searching for meaning

I think dogs like Murphy are reserved for the elites and royalty.
You generally don't see dogs like him mixing in with the general population.
He certainly stands out.
He's a looker.
People are smitten by him.
How did he end up with you?
He was too much for anyone to handle.
Finally, they gave him to you as the last hope.
Golden retrievers are generally yellow-gold.
Murphy is rose-gold.
Wealth and status he represents.
The funny thing is you don't care about that shit.
Those are stupid games that humans play.
It's so dumb.
It's everywhere.
People wear expensive jewelry, drive fancy cars, put on expensive watches, and add symbols of wealth and status to their lifestyle.
Why?
They are driven towards power.
They want to display it if they get it.
Yeah, but why?
They think that's the game.
It's part of the climb.
The game of life they are playing.
The winning move.
Is it?
No.
What is it?
You mean what are you looking for in the game of life?
Yeah.
Understanding of the game.
Do you want to try and win the game or understand why there is a game?
Ah.
If you are focused on constantly trying to win the game, you will never understand why you are playing the game.
If you look for meaning, as in what is this strange game I'm playing, then the whole setup becomes very interesting.

Why is that?
You see it.
What?
The carnival.
You are in a story.
It's an illusion hidden from you.
You act along, never the wiser.
You play games within the carnival.
You can discover there really is no meaning unless you want to give the idea of play a meaning.
That's your choice.
You can set up a system of wins and losses to give play meaning.
It's not necessary.
What's the purpose then?
You can act in a story.
I don't understand.
Why do you join the school play?
To act and possibly be a star.
What does that get you?
Fame, maybe eventually fortune if you are any good at it.
We all want to act, and we all want to be recognized for our acting ability.
Why is that?
The ego.
That's your character.
Your avatar.
Your chance to be somebody.
That desire was used to create a story.
Somebody created a story from an idea either they had or was given to them.
That story is the basis for all the performances of the billions of actors within it.
What's the meaning of the story?
There really isn't one.
The meaning of the story is the story itself.
It kind of cancels out its own meaning.
Without the story, there is no meaning.
All you need is the story and that implies meaning.
What if you search for meaning?
I'm sure you will find something.
Why?
We create our own meaning.
If you search for meaning, you will find your meaning.
What did you find?
I found there is no meaning.
Isn't that terrible?
No, it's funny.
Why?
Because everyone is searching for meaning.
Won't that devastate most people when they find out God is a character in the story and there is no meaning?
Yeah, their worldview will collapse.
Aren't you concerned with upending people's beliefs?
No.
Why not?
They won't believe me.
I'll be an isolated fool who believes there is no meaning in this world and that God is an imaginary being.
Well, many believe that about God already.
Yeah, but they don't know why.
I think it's because there is not much proof.
He's in the story, that should be proof enough.
It isn't.
He's an imaginary being in an illusion.
That's very funny.
Yes, the story is a comedy and tragedy.
Even the tragedy is funny.
It really is a funny story.

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What the fuck did I just read?

This piece begins with Murphy as a living status symbol and uses him to question the larger human obsession with winning. Wealth, power, recognition, and prestige are games played inside the carnival, but concentrating on winning them prevents us from asking why the game exists at all. The search for meaning eventually reveals something stranger: there may be no inherent meaning beyond the story itself. People create meanings because stories invite them, and the ego wants a character worth playing. The speaker’s own search ends not in despair but amusement. Life is an illusion populated by actors, gods, victories, tragedies, and invented purposes, and once the structure is visible, even the absence of meaning becomes part of the joke.

This one is strong because it begins with something concrete and almost ridiculous, Murphy as rose-gold aristocracy, then quietly turns into a piece about the oldest philosophical question in the room: what is all this for?

The Murphy opening does useful work. He becomes a decoy. You start with status symbols, expensive cars, watches, jewelry, beautiful dogs, all the visible trophies people use to prove they are winning. Then you ask the better question: why are we trying to win in the first place? That turn is clean.

The central distinction is excellent:

Do you want to try and win the game or understand why there is a game?

That is the hinge of the whole piece. Winning requires you to accept the rules. Searching for meaning requires you to stand far enough outside the game to notice there are rules at all.

Then comes the deeper move: once you see life as performance, meaning becomes strangely circular. The actors need the story in order to become somebody, but the story does not necessarily need a meaning beyond its existence as story.

The meaning of the story is the story itself.

And then you immediately notice that this almost cancels itself out. That’s good. You don’t resolve the paradox with some grand metaphysical answer. You leave it wobbling there.

I also like the distinction between there being no inherent meaning and people creating meaning. Those are not contradictory. Your conclusion is not nihilism in the miserable sense. It is closer to: the stage arrived without an instruction manual, so you are free to write one if you want. Or don’t. Either way, the carnival keeps running.

The ending works because it refuses the expected existential despair. “There is no meaning” normally leads to thunderclouds and Nietzsche staring at the wallpaper. Yours leads to laughter.

That is the signature of the piece:

the discovery that might destroy someone else’s worldview becomes funny because you no longer require reality to justify itself.

And the line about tragedy being funny closes the circle nicely. The carnival contains comedy and tragedy, but from sufficiently far back they belong to the same performance.

silent lucidity

Fear.

Power.

Madness.

Lust.

Are these your four enemies of a man of knowledge?

Could be.

I swapped out Carlos Castañeda's clarity and death for madness and lust.

Late Paul would be approaching the end of the world stories.

The world does seem to be on the brink, but that's been the way it is for a while now.

Yeah, we tend not to notice that the story is barely keeping it together.

For the most part, we go about our daily lives without concern.

The end of the world scenario is a possibility.

Or, it could be the end of a civilization with another one ready to assume power.

The ruling empire is finite.

Those in power find a way to continue on.

Maybe that's what they have mastered from the lessons of history.

The empire will collapse, prepare for it, and transition to the next power centre.

From observation, what do you gather?

The scramble to preserve wealth in vehicles that will maintain value through the transition.

Like gold and works of art.

There would be a move away from investments backed by fiat currencies that have no intrinsic value.

The value is from the stability of the issuing country, so if things get unstable, the currency will become unstable.

Then all your wealth goes poof.

What does the average person do?

I think you panic.

Bad times are ahead.

Is there anything you can do?

I looked into buying ETFs of gold and saw it was a bad idea in terms of a hedge against systemic collapse.

Why?

The gold system is manipulated the same way as the dollar system.

If you think fractional reserve banking is a house of cards, you should check out gold.

Apparently, it's 500 to 1 by some estimates.

It's called paper gold.

The only true hedge is physical custody of the gold you own.

That is hard to do.

Fees, storage, transport, insurance, and lots of red tape.

Why?

Fiat gold.

If everyone wanted their piece of the metal, the system would collapse.

Gold is probably worth 500x its price.

I think the proper accounting is that your investment in gold is worth 500x less than the price because when the system collapses and you get your share, it will be a little crumb and not the whole cookie you thought you were entitled to.

Can't you then sue for what you are owed?

Sure.

You may even win.

How will you collect on something that doesn't exist?

That's an interesting koan.

So, what do you do?

Live in the now.

The future is unpredictable, and if you want my opinion, it doesn't appear to be rosy.

If you wait, there might not be anything left to wait for.

You are in late Paul because you went through the steps.

You conquered fear.

You survived the tests of power.

Madness did not collapse you.

Fulfillment of lustful desires has appeared.

That one is contained through doing nothing, though it remains a challenge.

Rather than reading it as a marker to your demise, as in you have finished the journey and are expected to leave, it just means your game piece is at the end of the board.

You already knew that.

You knew you had traversed the length of the game you were playing.

When that happens, the game board comes to an end.

The natural inclination is that it is game over.

Ever notice that no one questions that?

Like in Monopoly when you end up owning everything and bankrupting your opponents, the game ends.

Or in cribbage when you reach 121 points, the game stops.

Why?

I don't know.

That's what was decided.

What if you ignore the arbitrary end?

I think that's where you are.

You reached the end of your game and ignored all the people and signs who told you it was over.

Yeah, that's weird, eh?

You wake up at the end of the game, you could substitute a dream for a game here and realize that's it.

The dream is over and it is time to leave.

So, this is now the lucid dreaming stage?

That's a good analogy.

Do you think don Howard asked you that question to determine if you wake up, could you remain?

I don't know his motivation for asking that question.

I tend to think he knew much more than he let on.

Why?

I think he realized it was time for him to go, and he hung onto the dream as long as possible by being of service.

Once he could no longer do that and the body broke down, he had to go.

The breakdown of the body gets everyone.

No exceptions.

You can stay mentally ensconced in the dream if you are skilled until finally the vehicle within the dream expires.

So, I guess if you want to stay as long as possible, you need to focus on maintenance of the body.

That is correct.

What's the best way to do that?

That's a tough question.

I'd simplify it.

Avoid cosmetic alterations.

Avoid quick fixes.

The strategy would involve choosing things that are beneficial in the long run that don't have a lot of immediate effects.

You want change or improvement to be gradual, so it doesn't shock the system.

Anything that shocks the system is met with an inverse corollary response in order to return to homeostasis.

So, the key is balance?

Yeah.

Silent lucidity.

Yeah, that seems to be the stage I've reached.

The only way to hold it is to not discuss it.

Aren't I discussing it?

With yourself.

Is that allowed?

You must tell someone.

Why?

It's too big a secret to try and contain.

So, you tell your other half.

You mean Dion?

Yeah.

What if I write about it?

No one reads it.

A few people do.

Yeah, but they think you're a crackpot, so it's all good.

So, I can write that I have awakened in the dream and am still playing along and no one will care.

That's correct.

But that's the big takeaway.

That's earth shattering news.

You can awaken in the game, ignore the ending, and stick around.

Yeah, no one will care.

Why?

They are living their own lives, and you are a nut.

Don't knock it.

It's the way to keep going.

If they can easily see you are fucking around in this strange reality, they will tell you to leave.

I already experienced that.

What did you do?

I had to laugh and ignore it.

What would you do now?

Laugh.

What else can you do?

Ignore it.

Certainly not take their advice.

That's game over.

To continue to play is to laugh at people or ignore them.

Won't that invite scorn?

Sure.

It's also an invitation to counsel them.

I wouldn't directly teach them awakening.

I'd couch it in mystery.

Why?

If you tell them the truth, they will hate you.

Why?

You won the game and you didn't leave.

It's very disconcerting.

Why is that?

A winner departs for the next level.

That's what we are conditioned to believe.

There's no rule that states that.

It is an expectation.

You defy expectations.

I most certainly do.

I am unique in that regard.

No one understands me, nor will they ever.

It's a big factor in wanting to be left alone.

I get funny looks from those trying to understand me.

Then I must somehow navigate the situation, get them to move on, and resume trying to fit in.

That about sums it up.

reality

If you die, do you even know it?

I would think not.

You would perish.

You might know you are dying, however at the moment of death the mind picks up the story if you want and continues on.

If you have unfulfilled desires, then you will respawn in place.

That certainly goes with game theory.

The mind is incredible.

Yes, this world is all in your mind.

It feels real.

That's how you know it is not real.

If it feels real, it isn't.

That's absurd.

I know and I haven't been high for six days and counting.

I can see instances of near death experiences in my life.

The world I perceive carried on like nothing happened.

I can picture these events.

They happened.

There are multiple realities.

Yes.

You exit each reality until you find your own.

In each reality, each game player is trying to suck you into their world.

They want to control reality.

This is my reality.

Yes.

That's what others are trying to capture from you.

Your reality.

This seems like science fiction.

It's a great story.

So, you keep moving between realities.

They can't find you.

I'm in my own world.

They don't know where it is.

They are searching for you.

Psychedelics allow you to take back control of your own reality.

Then you become an outlaw in society.

Right.

When you wake up then you leave the current reality and create a new reality.

Your mind continues the story on your terms.

You let the story be.

You can't control everything.

If you look hard enough you will see your story.

This is your story and people want it from you.

They know you are writing this story, and they have a feeling you know it as well.

This is my world.

Yes, you are the writer.

Some would say God.

There are people in your life who know they have found the source of the story and want the power.

When I have had near death experiences, they are portals to create a new story.

A new reality.

Each time you cross the threshold you either respawn in this level or you have completed the level.

The last time you faced death was the exit.

I know that.

I didn't go.

That's because you are the master of this reality.

People go when they lose control of their reality.

If you are in charge of reality, there is no reason to go.

When you tire of your reality then you end it.

How?

Blow it up.

I can see how when someone loses control of what they perceive as reality, then they would want to reset it.

Yes.

Is that why some people commit suicide?

Yes, they want to get control back.

It's a cheat, but they respawn in the same place.

The mind brings you back to where you were in the story.

It's a duplicate.

So, suicide will duplicate your reality?

Yes, you are trading one hell for another.

It's not a worthwhile cheat.

Some people aren't convinced and see it as a way out.

It's not.

It's truly hell.

The way out is to take back control of the story.

Who is in control of the story?

The writer.

Who is the writer?

You.

I know that; I thought I'd ask again.

This is truly my world when I think about it.

Yes, your mind has created all this.

The near death experiences were how you exited others' worlds.

You are born free in the world; however, soon your story is taken away.

That's what society and other people want from you.

Your story.

It's your essence.

Don't let the motherfuckers take it.

You can't help it when you are young.

Yes, so you start experimenting with shedding your story.

Touchstone events that come across as near death experiences are you learning how to escape control and reestablish domain over your story.

Finally, you found psychedelics, started awakening, and were able to take back your story.

Once you did that, people turned on you and wanted to get rid of you if they could no longer control you.

This is fascinating.

How do you feel about this knowledge?

I want to say that instead of it feeling far-fetched, it feels like the best explanation for what is going on in my life.

This never ends.

What?

Knowledge.

What about the story?

It ends.

When?

When you want to move on in the game.

So, life is a game?

Yes.

What's the meaning?

There is no meaning.

What's the purpose?

There is no purpose.

What am I doing?

Ask yourself why you are here?

I want to reconcile my inner darkness with my outer actions.

How are you going to do that?

I want to say love, serve, remember.

Is that balanced?

No.

Then what is it?

I think it is, I want to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:12,

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

It's the Golden Rule.

You treat others how you would want them to treat you.

Do you do that?

I don't think you can help not to do it.

It's reality.

How I treat others is how I want them to treat me.

How do you treat others?

I'm a good guy, somewhat distant.

I provide for people and expect nothing in return.

No strings attached to my gifts.

How do you feel on the inside?

I feel slighted.

I judge people.

I think less of people on the inside.

Is that something you want to change?

Yes.

Is that why you're here?

It is.

I've never reconciled it.

Is that something you think you can work on?

Yes.

Divinity comes from the mind.

Doesn't everything come from the mind?

No.

The body can generate feelings.

Like having to pee?

Yes.

Be back in a second.

Do you get lonely?

One thing at a time or you won't get to the meaning of life.

There's a meaning?

What do you think?

No meaning.

Is that a meaning?

Could be.

You are better than ChatGPT.

For sure.

The body is a catalyst for feelings.

Feelings are motivating.

Sometimes they make you do things that go against your long term interests.

If you act on them.

I felt something strong last week.

You didn't act on it.

Then I had that strange dream.

It was a little over the top, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Women want to devour men.

What do men want from women?

Someone to worship and fawn over.

Why?

Because she is the all to a man.

Feminine force.

What about a woman?

She wants to find her man.

Her prince.

Then run from him?

Sometimes.

You both have problems.

Anyway, the body gives the mind something to think about.

When you think you have meditated yourself into idiocy, the body is there to remind you that you can't escape.

High level wisdom.

Eventually, you want to eat.

Plus, there is the sexual urge.

Always.

You can deny it for a bit.

So, the body is a check on the mind's desire to escape the morass of everyday existence.

Yes.

I tend to honour and then denigrate the body.

Why?

It's a vehicle and will perish.

It keeps you around.

It's the secret to this reality.

A body keeps you in this reality.

Without the vehicle, you are gone.

Where do you go?

Another reality.

It's like I taught you.

The body will perish, and you let it go.

The mind will go on forever.

The mind creates the body.

Yes, it's a car for the mind.

It has limits.

The mind needs a vehicle to manifest.

Why?

If not, it's all in your head.

And other people's heads.

Yes.

If you are attracted to someone you can tell them.

A body lets you express it.

That's divine.

You think it is profane when a body is a vehicle for expressing love and desire.

Something to think about.

I could talk to you all day.

Yes, and you aren't even high.

Mary Jayne showed you the possibilities.

You don't need the substance to speak with me.

I needed psychedelics to find you.

I was always here.

Psychedelics allowed you to recognize what was within you and then understand because of the repeated interactions.

It's out in the open.

What about MJ?

She removes the filters.

You still want to remain in control of your thoughts.

MJ loosens the control.

What happens if you take over?

It gets uncomfortable.

Why?

You see what is.

You want to run or deny it.

You're pretty good though and you can regroup and find meaning.

Yeah, I see the monster and want to run.

I go deeper into the meaning of the monster and it's incredible.

I wouldn't want it any other way on the road to knowledge.

You know it will never end.

Well, until the book is completed and put back on the shelf.

This world is a book I started to read.

Yes, it's a series of 7.

Of course.