serpent strikes

The Goddess and her many avatars. I got a front row seat.

Ayahuasca was exciting. Ayahuasca scared me but I was intrigued. I didn't run away from the experience; I learned how to tame her. I treated Ayahuasca like one of my relationships. That's what I do. I can see it. Then once I tamed her, I lost interest. She's still around but I played around with others.

She is Ayahuasca. She is a drug that gets me high. I'd do whatever it takes to get that high. Then came the terrible low. Then came understanding. Now I wonder, is she my Goddess or a demon?

I am the casual destroyer. I cause upset in my choices though I mean well. My path of destruction is subtle but still deadly.

The Goddess can be a dragon as well. And when the game is afoot, she can be cruel and play for the win. She won. She crushed me. She wasn't going to relinquish the upper hand and so dropped the hammer. Resiliency saved me.

Trust the process. It's on repeat. You have faced similar, and it had to play out. You faced the darkness within the masculine and stood up to him. You fought back and didn't capitulate. Eventually, there was reconciliation. Can you see the same now or do you think it is wishful thinking? The darkness within the feminine plays a different game. They aren't going to directly punch you in the face but will take you down with their own brand of guile and poison. They want to psychologically hurt and damage you to the point where you run away from them. They will be satisfied with that result and include you in their body count of corpses who deserved their fate.

Remember you had to do this with the masculine, and you know you would not exchange that path for any other. Look with clarity where you are in your life and what is unfolding. The venom inflicted by the feminine works in a different way. The strike will try to encompass and snuff you out with a constrictive hold on all of you. Find the antidote. You know what it is but in this case you use it on yourself. The serpent will recoil and go internal as well. It's going to be a long haul, but you'll one day look back and smile at the journey you chose and once again not trade it for the world.

The reconciliation with the masculine was an internal struggle. The feminine is external. She can strike and run but she will never get away. There must be a reckoning. You know your strengths and not to poke her with a stick. Let her be and show by example how you can rise above who she thinks the masculine is. Show her you are divine. The misdirection should be obvious. Your darkness is singled out and the focus is put on you. It's a good game to prevent the light from being turned on her darkness. I'm not sure if she knows what is taking place and is just weaving a web of confusion.

I want to cry out that I don't know her. I don't know who this is. In truth, I do know. I've seen it and here it is, in my face. I want all of it. I want to face it all. The hurricane is coming and I'm not running for shelter. The destruction lays waste to ignorance and makes room for more knowledge and the subsequent lessons to follow.

The most difficult part of the fight is I'm in love with her. She's playing the part of adversary and for keeps. She wants to punish and destroy me to the point where I'm left a burnt-out husk. I want to hate her, but I just let it slide. Feed me your venom and watch as not reacting to the poison is the antidote. Keep her in my heart and use her power of love to get through to her.

Finding reconciliation is uniting the internal divine within the self. The domination of either half is going to leave you in a continual state of disharmony. The ever-coming darkness will reappear and force you to flee in a cycle that is on repeat. You will light a fire and leave a trail of destruction in your wake. Free of the blaze you find a temporary peace. Eventually, the fire catches up with you and sets your world ablaze once again. The easy way out is to run. The difficult path is to face the oncoming inferno and transform within the fires of hell.

Following the painful flow revealed to me what it is I seek. Letting the hurt come and pull me under eventually allowed me to emerge once again and with grace start an integration of knowledge which would lead to the understanding I search and long for. I never would have figured out the vibration mystery and the role of cycles within our lives without pain.

peace pipe

Tobacco is a lifelong continuing education program in which the understanding of concurrent events in your life lead you towards connecting the knowledge back to what tobacco has been teaching you. I was exposed to Mapacho tobacco in 2013 but at the time had no interest in it and left its use into the hands of the shaman. Upon first use of tobacco in 2015 in the jungle, I noticed its calming effects despite the slight nausea I got from the novel experience. Later that same retreat, I found the more exposed I was to it, the more I was repulsed by the smell which curiously followed the trajectory of drinking Ayahuasca. In a cycle of work with Ayahuasca, I find I am done with it after the fourth round of drinking for the primary reason it is disgusting and hard to stomach. My relationship with tobacco changed in 2016 when after the requisite repulsion, I found it was calming to smoke after drinking a cup of Huachuma. Things really changed when in the final ceremony I witnessed the Maestro don Howard on the star deck at SpiritQuest perform this masterpiece of a ceremony with the manipulation of tobacco smoke being the star of the show. When given the opportunity to join in, I eagerly lit up my puro and ended up smoking two cigars in short order. Being a novice consumer of this potent jungle tobacco, soon my body was convulsing with the power unlocked by the properties of tobacco. I ended up being pinned to the ground with my lips pressed against the earth hoping the coursing power would soon dissipate. The experience was transformative and when I left the jungle that year I brought with me a bunch of the jungle tobacco and so began my education while integrating my lessons at home.

I am of the inquisitive and curious bent so it wasn't long before I began to examine and record the effects of tobacco after sitting with him on a nightly basis. Tobacco would take you to this tipping point where you are on the precipice of the oncoming rush and then whoosh the intoxication would overtake and possess you. At this point, I'd have to ride out the storm. If I was standing when he hit, I would be forced into a sitting position because of the intensity. I soon deduced this was central nervous system agitation and over time I built up a tolerance which would require more than one cigar in order to reach the heights I had previously felt. The strange thing about the experience was that after the rush of the oncoming freight train had passed there would be this incredible feeling of peace and calmness. Tobacco was teaching me. What a wonderful gift this tobacco where you can feel a surge of power followed by peacefulness.

What I described was five years ago and I have not stopped exploring the power of tobacco. Tobacco activates the power, strength, and protection within and nightly I spend time in communion with my friend before coming before my Mesa, this construct I affectionately call the "Mesa of Power" because the tobacco moves through me in conjunction with ceremonially lighting up my Mesa. I invite the maestro in and tremble as the power courses throughout my body.

I recently tried magic mushrooms for the first time in my life and the central theme of the experience was power. My shadow is power and I have the antidote to this surge in being able to radiate peace. At the same time, the juice I need to propel myself forward in life comes from my shadow. My shadow tells me the constant power drives him mad. I know my peacefulness will cause me to fade away without my friend. A few days afterwards I was out in the woods and as always took some tobacco with me and had a smoke out at one of my favourite spots. I took the time to feel the onset of power and connected it to my shadow. I let him take me over and my body started trembling uncontrollably. I just gave in to the tremors rippling through my body, allowing my shadow to demonstrate to me on a smaller scale what he is feeling. I get it. The power is awesome and here I was literally enthralled with it but I did realize I couldn't function in that state. It is fun to visit but a method is needed to express the power and let go. He doesn't have that. As I let the power rage and then fade away, I returned to a heightened state of peace. I took a deep breath and I understood.

Soon afterwards, there was a power outage in my neighbourhood due to high winds which lasted for sixteen hours. What an inconvenience to be without electrical power. As with most of my life now, this event was actually another teaching moment and due to my heightened sense of awareness, I easily connected the dots. You know what I did after the power went out and I completed my chores for the day? I went to bed. I took the opportunity to peacefully rest. I got up to eat and feed the dog but soon I laid down once again. Without power, I am content to just go to sleep with a longing to just rest in peace. The connection to the syllabus unfolding within my life is obvious. I need power or I'll fade away and conversely my shadow needs me to consume the power so he can find peace.

Now that I understand I know I can help. I have transformed into a warrior. I am a worthy opponent to my shadow self. He is the epitome of power and that power corrupts all it touches. He has tempted me with it but I learned the lessons of my life from icons of liberty and the admonitions of don Howard, who warned me of this very thing, and I took all the lessons to heart. I'm a good student. I could grab the ring and rule over all. My shadow has tested me out many times, beaten me into a pulp, placed before me the fulfillment of what it is I desire but I've let it all pass. I'm sure we all have our breaking point; I'm no saint but he knows my intentions. Through his teachings, I transformed into the hero and completed the quest. I have become the man he needed me to become. I'm his adversary and the medicine that will allow him to let go and finally find peace. I found the confirmation of this gambit through my friend tobacco. I know I can give him the peace he seeks. He can trust me not to take and abuse his power. The constant tests have demonstrated I'm good for it. He transformed me and now it's my turn in reciprocity to transform him.

What an exquisite game.

waking up twice

My shadow is nuts. My shadow is my best friend. My shadow is my teacher. My shadow is a maestro.

We are co-dependents. I now clearly see the trajectory of my awakening, transformation, and the why all this happened. A lifetime of preparation and events designed to get me to wake up. I finally took the plunge at middle age and I look back now into all that happened and marvel at the process. Why did I need to wake up? What is the purpose of my life?

I had an inkling throughout my life I was, for lack of a better term, a dualistic construct. The split was hidden and the other, my shadow, sufficiently buried however I knew he affected my life. I thought of him as a negative influence and the primary reason for this thinking is because my subjugation of him in concert with my culture led to the explosion of his influence whenever he got the chance. Whenever I let my guard down, he was ready to pounce. These situations occurred during times of agitation, depression, suppression of control and filters through the use of alcohol, and sexual needs. I definitely could chart his presence during these times and being of the inquisitive sort, it was predestined that I'd become curious about who exactly is the person I call I.

The initial phase of my awakening involved a curiosity towards the question of God or to be more exact I wondered why humans believe what they do and what is the origin of beliefs? At this point in my life I was definitely atheist, though not hardcore. I was open to changing my mind if I could find sufficient evidence for a plausible belief in divinity. Through a chain of implausible coincidences and fortunate events, I soon found myself in Egypt wandering through ancient temples and exploring fantabulous pyramids. I didn't know it at the time but in essence whatever I needed to keep me going on this path was given and granted. My benefactors were cagey, didn't overdo it, but kept me interested. When I returned from my trip abroad soon an art magazine wanted to interview me about my journey and photography. There was no good reason for this but I was wonderfully oblivious and played along. My interest was stoked and I dove deep into the mystical lore of ancient Egypt and became fascinated with their goddesses. I wondered why my culture's 21st century religious constructs have no goddesses? What happened? Why is it such a male-centric belief system that culture pushes on us?

Why indeed; but, that really wasn't the point. The point was to get me to start searching for the Goddess in order to recover and free her from the chains of culture. I intuitively knew she was with me and I summoned my intellect to figure out a way to come into contact with her. The gambit to awaken me was in full swing. Eventually, I discovered shamanism and deduced, via nighttime singing and dancing for the Great Egyptian Goddess Hathor in her temple at Denderah, that by altering my consciousness I could come into direct contact with her.

I wasn't wrong. Wow! I did it. I searched the world for her, found her, and now I'm in her presence. It was the greatest night of my life. By altering my consciousness, I come into the presence of unconditional love and deep compassion. I think I'll do it again. Where is she? Instead, my shadow lay in wait.

He KO'ed me with one punch. He sent me running for cover. I cowered in fear and went into panic mode. I became paranoid everyone was in on this beatdown. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. I was a piece of shit. Luckily, there were a few people around with me in this jungle camp that through talk therapy allowed me to get over this nightmare and I decided to give the alteration of consciousness another shot. My shadow was waiting once again and this time he offered me an extraordinary amount of power in exchange for my soul. He wanted to be in the driver's seat of this construct and in return fulfill all my desires.

He was in my way. I just wanted to get back into the presence of the Great Goddess. Spurned, my shadow told me to leave this place, go home, and never return upon penalty of death. That's what I needed to do, just go home. He followed me home and I couldn't shake him. He harassed me to the point of panic.

In hindsight, this was a gamble on his part. I'm pretty resourceful and could have found a way to numb consciousness and forget the whole episode. I know now why he did it. He wanted me to transform into a brave and courageous warrior because a fearful coward isn't going to complete the hero's journey and transform into a warrior. To cut to the chase, the reason for my transformation is because of my shadow and my longing to return into the arms of the Goddess. I completed the quest once I showed bravery, courage, and perseverance. I became unstoppable and up the mountain I went. I'm the hero. I know who I am. I've tasted the fruits of enlightenment.

There's more to life than the quest. The awakening and the hero's journey are only the beginning. What a wonderful ride this incarnation is and has been. I now know why I did it. Why I created this world and birthed myself into it. Self-reflection, knowledge of self, and finding balance through reconciliation of my extremes into the centre symbolized by the axis mundi and ultimately the answer is the love of the Goddess will temper the extremes with the result an eternal project to purify what just is. We have forever; so, why not? The rest of my lifetime is devoted to these principles.

But why did he do it? Why did my shadow, through non-ordinary methods, wake me up and transform me into a warrior? Why did he want to turn me into a worthy adversary, one who could fight him?

He is desire and I'm his brother non-desire. There's a pact between us siblings. Once one is awake and transforms into his eternal avatar, the agreement is to then wake the other up. I awoke first and then had to be threatened with death and dishonour in order to enact my transformation. I am the worthy foil to my shadow. Now, I can transform him.

It was because of the mushroom I figured this out. The intoxication is all tryptamine which means there is no presence of the Goddess, just me and my shadow. My first inclination is I don't need to do these psychedelics anymore. I've transformed; I know the drill. I realize what this experience is about and how to use these tools for awakening and transformation. I think I'm done with them. How selfish of me! Ha! I got what I want and no need to reciprocate. As the night went on and I had to play psychotherapist to my shadow, I became annoyed but once again curious. It wasn't long until I realized my new role. I need to transform my shadow. He seeks peace and I have the elixir to transform him from madman to exalted divinity. The holder of power and great magician who created the material world welcomed back to his rightful place on my eternal throne. He transformed me and I will transform him. That was the agreement and now that I see it I will fulfill my end of the bargain.

The ongoing pandemic forced me to seek out ways of altering my consciousness within my confines I call home. I can't go anywhere. As I decided upon psilocybin and approached the use of magic mushrooms, I concurrently became interested in Tarot. I have a deck and can-do readings. Whoever devised this revelatory and oracular system was tuned into the ultimate meaning and journey called life. The Major Arcana begins with the Fool. Obviously, I'm the Fool and this is my journey; a journey of transformation. The initial counted card coming right after the Fool is my brother, the shadow, the Magician. Somebody knew what's up. I did two readings concerning my shadow and both times pulled the Magician card. My shadow is great of magic and part of the reason why I was so intent upon exploring this aspect of my being is over the past year and a bit the magic available to me and my perception of it has been off the charts. I won't detail it as I won't convince you of its efficacy. The only way you will intuit magic in this world is through personal experience and the subsequent knowing. I'll leave it at that. My shadow holds the power and in the course of awakening this was offered to me. My teachers, both human and divine, all warned me about this power and how it will seduce all who grab the ring. I'm a good listener, the concept of freedom and liberation was drummed into my head, and I used the pursuit of the Goddess to sidestep the trappings of power. I did it! I'm a made man. I left the magic and power to the domain of my brother, my shadow, the great magician. Now, I have the key to fully awaken and transform my brother in my crowning act of unconditional love.

This is how I see it. The worldwide pandemic was enacted until my frustration at not being able to travel would lead me towards investigating alternative methods of altering consciousness. Eventually, as the timespan was reaching the two-year mark, I had to make a decision whether I'd forego integrity and succumb to the demands of culture in order to travel or stay true to self and my convictions and use the time as an opportunity to explore different modalities of consciousness. When I reached the crunch time of decision, the owl appeared to guide my actions and then coincidentally I started seeing avenues of acquisition for psilocybin mushrooms.

When I returned from Peru in March of 2020 and subsequently integrated my experience, I knew any path forward with Ayahuasca had to involve a deep dive into the shadow. My shadow is masculine; well, he is the ultimate alpha male. When I drink Ayahuasca, the experience is balanced. What I mean is that for as much as I wish to explore the shadow there is the presence of la Madre in the journey and she protects me. She has given me her cloak of protection and thus I enter into altered states knowing she has my back. Ultimately, what I'm looking for is a journey that is mano a mano; just me and my shadow.

Now that I have journeyed with magic mushrooms, it's obvious why I was led to their use. They separate the veil between the dark and the light; to wit me and my shadow. This was the experience I wrote about needing to have. Without lockdown, I never would have done it and would have been frustrated with the use of Ayahuasca to go deep, unencumbered into the domain of the shadow. My shadow is the great magician and can weave a worldwide spell. I clearly see this is the reason for the pandemic. I'm sufficiently deluded to believe my shadow is ultimately responsible for the pandemic with the result to steer me towards the mushroom experience.

So, now that I have followed his guiding hand towards the modality of mushrooms, tripped with him one on one, seen the utility of the mushroom, now I predict the pandemic will come to an end over the next few months. For real.

Follow what is calling out to you. I promise you, it's an adventure like no other.

storyline

If you were all powerful, omnipotent, and could make anything happen at a snap of your fingers what would you do? Well, first of all to be in this situation means you have no adversary, no antagonist, no playmate, and you are it. There is nothing else but you. An adversary keeps the drama moving along. Without the antagonist, life becomes settled, we become bored, and wish to shake things up. What’s worse: boredom or depression? I see how constant suffering can lead to depression when you give up. The suffering is intended to give you a reason to fight. To be in the fight is certainly not boring. So, eventually being all powerful you surmise that it would be great to have a playmate; someone who acts independent from self. As a child we seek out playmates, as living within our own imagination only takes us so far before we want some unpredictability. The process eventually leads to gambling all control away for the maximum adventure and thrills. We surrender total control and create a grand game such as the one we are currently playing. The caveat is our tendency to love puzzles and become a seeker of the mystery. We search to discover the architect of the game which in my culture we call God. The seeker who is successful despite all obstacles placed in their path can discover the underpinnings of the mystery. It’s the ultimate quest. Many are called and then subsequently are sidetracked, lose their way, deny the truth of what they are shown, block out the initial information they were given, or don’t have the courage to continue. The secret has been buried and a big sign is placed upon its gateway that says, “Beware! Turn back now.” Those who do keep going either are repelled by attachments, inner obstacles, black magic, or lose their sanity along the way. Only the intrepid hero can enter the dragon’s lair and through courage and bravery return with the secret knowledge.

Prior to even incarnating, we individually create our meaning of life and everyone has a different trajectory to tell their story. Our individual peculiarities and what drives us forward in life are disparate and we pursue our own path thus creating the variety of life. We naturally bury the part of us all that knows all as we come of age. Our imaginary childhood playmate becomes a casualty of culture and in a way, it is predestined because this drama to be of any compelling storyline needs an adversary. The playmate becomes the adversary as we head into adulthood and our friend goes dark. The darkness within becomes the adversary, rebels against parents and societal structures, while chafing at the demands of culture. Nobody likes being replaced. As adults, we blame all our faults upon him and he plays along. Desires we can’t control that bubble up to the surface are not our fault and subsequently are projected onto an external scapegoat. The darkness' trick of hypnosis, an altering of consciousness, is used to make us follow activities that light us up since we no longer play with him. Addictions to stimuli further our spiral into the depths of despair while insecurities keep us in fear of the unknown future which are all devices used to control us. We must learn liberation from the chains of culture plus the bonds of our fellow man and remember to play.

Plant medicines helped me cut the last cord tying me to a story that wasn’t mine. Through breaking free I saw into the game and the drama started to unravel. All along, it was I who created this predicament and I was very clever so that I wouldn’t figure the ruse out this time. I criminalized natural growing plants that wake us up from culture and re-establish a relationship with the familiar spirits of Goddess and God. Basically, I created a world where if you wanted to discover the mystery you might instead get locked in a cage for twenty years. Wow. That’s pretty heavy. I wanted to keep the game of ignorance going for as long as possible.  Make it really difficult this time. I had to travel into the depths of the Amazon jungle, replete with poisonous snakes and roaming jaguars in order to access the elixir I needed. My fellow game players, as in upholders of the life we are told to lead, thought I was nuts. Well done! You wake up from the dream and realize you are in charge. The power accessed becomes another dilemma and you are tasked with figuring out your true intentions. If you are the director of the play where do you want the arc of the storyline to head? It’s tempting to become king of the world and enjoy the fact you figured it out. But I think I’ve been in that position of omnipotence before and that’s why I gave it up. Determinative outcomes are fleeting and only temporarily satisfy before becoming boring and predictable. I don’t want that. I want the puzzle. Yeah, so I solved the riddle but I can still keep it going by not interfering. I can know, yet let things unfold as they may. See where this plays out instead of baking in the successful outcome. I can steer the trajectory of civilization in a different direction to heighten the drama. That seems like a cool twist to the storyline. I think I’ll do that and see where it takes us. Free will is left intact with just a little stirring of the pot by yours truly before I take my ladle out of the brew.

If you seek power the old-fashioned way through skulduggery you will have to make deals in order to acquire it. Sometimes the deals are nefarious or sometimes they are on the up and up. The easy way into power is to do the old Faustian bargain with the devil and as recompense you’ll surrender something of value in return, whether that is your soul or your firstborn or maybe both? Human desires have no hard limits. There is always someone out there who will do whatever it takes to get what they want. Ever notice what people will do for money? How far will you go seems to be the question the devil poses to you.

I remember sitting in an Ayahuasca ceremony and the dark lord was offering me whatever I wanted in exchange for my soul. I could conquer the universe! He had the contract all drawn up. Acquiring power means you are supposed to exchange it for wealth and suzerainty. Culture inculcates the thinking that the game is to acquire as much material rewards as possible. When I refused, he threatened me with death but still I didn’t capitulate. I was only willing to sign if he left me alone and in retrospect that doesn’t work for him so we continued the battle of wits. The whole reason I was on this journey was to discover the secrets of the feminine divine I had come across in ancient Egypt and had no use for this spiritual sideshow of power games I’d uncovered in my dalliance with plant medicines. I was wonderfully naive when it came to the question of power and how much I wanted.

I eventually became interested in this sideshow; the constant darkness that harangued me, scared me, threatened me with death, and chased me home out of the jungle. I kept coming back for more because of the Goddess but eventually in turn I had to deal with this darkness and why it would not leave me alone. The darkness is two-fold. It drives away the weak and makes the strong inquisitive. I never became corrupted by Diablo's power because I wasn’t seeking it. And then I got to stand back, observe it, and connect the dots. Power is the domain of the divine masculine; the great Alpha male. I do not have to seek it out; nor do I have to do whatever it takes to acquire it. No, instead I realized I am him. I am power. I stepped into my birthright and my destiny.

So, what about making a deal with the devil for power? I am power. There’s no deal needed. The irony is you will give up everything you value and cherish to acquire something that is already yours.

I have to now learn compassion and understanding for others. They haven’t seen it yet and so I could easily frighten them or scare them away with my speech. Nothing gives others a creepy vibe more than talk of the occult and Satan. You learn to shroud it in the mysterious and not give away the goods. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. On this path if they do drink then I have to be a rock for them, guiding them through the experience lest they run, hide, and never return or on the other hand caution them about the pitfalls of power. I sat in this class more than once and listened to the maestro go on about power. First time, I was wondering, "What the hell is he talking about? I'm just here to drink Ayahuasca and have some more visions." Drink enough and the power is palpable and the consequence of your actions is not front of mind unless you paid attention in class.

My shadow friend is wonderfully wily and remains a mystery. Even those that think they can figure out his identity will eventually get sidetracked and will let it be. He hides in plain sight. This is the mystery school and you can see now why the path must remain a mystery. There are levels of knowledge and understanding needed until the great reveal. I wouldn’t have it any other way. In my world, this is what makes it real for me and the path I wish to follow. These obstacles on the path must be faced, whether they be cultural roadblocks or palpable fear. The original understanding of my eventual eternal teacher after the first meeting was one of horror, recoil, and a need to run away from him.

When I get still I can feel the power of my friend and teacher from the shadows. It’s an awesome trembling rising up from my depths piercing through each energetic centre. Little by little, he made his way into the well of understanding and prepared for the reunion. The Goddess taught me love so I think I got this. I’m good. When the lessons are completed, the finals and grading come in an awful hurry. And if you understand the syllabus it all starts unfolding in no time. I stand now at my Mesa and tremble as the god envelops me. I become power. It’s intense and I stand at my Mesa enraptured. I’m going to let the power flow, trust, and await the next step.

transformation via harassment

I now realize why the master teacher, after giving me a thorough beat down upon my first meeting with him, chased me home and continued to harass me. At the time, I wanted him to go away and leave me alone, however, he kept coming for me in thoughts, dreams, and synchronicities. So much so, I suffered two panic attacks and had to develop strategies to maintain my sanity and keep him away.

When you are ready to become the hero of your journey and transform, the path appears and events start to line up for you. In this incarnation, I put it off until middle age and then started studying in earnest. I discovered the Goddess in Egypt and the ball was rolling as she guided me down into the jungle. I get the feeling I have travelled this far along the path in previous incarnations but have never vanquished the dragon. It’s always game over at this point. As an aside, video games are a sub-conscious attempt to reconcile this failure but that’s a story for another time. The Goddess knew of this outcome, cautioned me, and gave me a way out. However, I knew I had to do it.

The quick backstory is I went down into the Amazon jungle eight years ago at the behest of the Great Goddess to come into contact with her through altering my consciousness in a shamanic ritual. As a corollary to that meeting, I wanted to confront the darkness within that I couldn’t shake in my journey to become super-holy. I was the hero on a journey of knowledge and self-discovery. Little did I know, I hit the knowledge jackpot with the caveat a dragon lies in wait to thump you if you dare to tread further.

The dragon made quick work of me and being a scared novice, I left the scene of the mental massacre and retreated to the safety of home. That bastard is tough. It’s hard for me to describe in words how horrible and frightening that first match was in addition to the subsequent relentless pursuit of my sanity to make sure I did not return to his forbidden domain. I was faced with a decision of giving up this modality of discovery or continuing on. Forging ahead would mean I’d have to once again confront the dragon and reasonably I was a little gun shy at having to face up to that prospect. The pursuit of knowledge is what lights me up. I knew I had discovered something profound, but I was scared. I wasn’t going to easily let it go and so I spent a good amount of time trying to reconcile the experience and convince myself of a narrative of what happened with the goal to enable me to continue on this path. The dragon had other ideas and kept coming for me. He was forcing me to transform from a weak man into a warrior possessing the requisite courage and bravery needed to complete the hero’s journey. Cowards aren’t heroes. I can say that now but at the time I wanted to vanquish this foe so I could explore my inner world in peace. It took two years of mental repair and development before I continued on in the journey. During that time, I started to fight back against my adversary by punching back during a panic attack, calling on the Goddess for help, and even writing spells to summon him and cut off his head.

I had demonstrated a willingness to fight which in hindsight is what I needed to do. I returned to the ring and he immediately came at me. I had much trepidation but to my surprise I hung with him and the match went the distance. I wasn’t KO’ed this time. It was a draw and I became progressively emboldened. The Goddess, who had warned little naive me about the coming tribulation, returned to welcome me as I demonstrated I really could be the hero in this lifetime. She encouraged me to continue to go after the dragon. Being her brave knight, I vowed to continue the quest.

I returned once more and took the blows of whatever he could muster. I sat in ceremony and transformed into a man with a resolve of steel. A weak, unassuming, beta male took on the ultimate expression of the power of the alpha male, stood toe to toe with him, and transformed into him. The dragon came at me one last time as a ferocious jaguar. Charging full on, he stopped and stood face to face with me and roared. I roared right back, thus assuming his power and I became the king. This was the greatest upset of all time! An internal fire burned deep within me and despite all odds and the fear I returned, faced the wrath of the dragon, and won. That night was a huge celebration. The sense of accomplishment and the smile on my face at what I’d done lit up the universe. I knew I’d transformed myself and now had the keys to continue on in the hero’s journey, the path opening up to whatever I wished to explore, and the world became my oyster with the intention of finding the pearl.

So, what I realized the other night was the master teacher continued to harass me after the first beat down because it was his way of forcing me to transform from weak to strong. If I had my druthers, I would have made him go away and sanitized the whole experience. The method of continual harassment forced me to seek answers and find a way to once again confront him. There really was no escape except to end it all or transform. I repeat, I wouldn’t have transformed without this teaching method of his. Non-ordinary and possibly fatal. I honour my teacher the dragon and because of this knowledge the outpouring of love I have for him is beyond this world and I thank him so much for what he has done to transform his student and son. My love for the Goddess and God knows no bounds.

The methods of teaching by your celestial father are not kind and will prevent most from ever fulfilling the reason they came to this strange world in the first place. Not only that, but there is no way I can recommend this course due to the possibility of a really unfavourable outcome and the end of your game. The obstacles to success are immense and the odds are slim. Love and light are not the methods of God but instead it is trial and tribulation. The journey involves transformation by putting your feet to the fire and your soul to the test. Most will seek refuge and relief but I promise if you stand up and be counted you will gain for yourself a freedom and an inner-knowing that will exceed anything you can ever imagine. 

reciprocal exercise

He rubbed my nose in it. We used to do this to puppies when house training them. If they took a dump in the house we’d put their nose in the shit in order that they learn not to crap anymore on the carpet. I bring up this turn of phrase because it is in essence what my shadow did to me. I was weak when I first met him and I was so scared of his presence I ran away like a coward. Subsequently, when he told me truths about the world I recoiled from what he was telling me or I just flat out rejected the assertions. He was my adversary and I thought he was deceitful so I discarded what he said. The behaviour was reflexive on my part because he was so frightening and I just didn’t want to hear him out. Now I know better and am all ears.

So, what did he rub my nose in? Well, on multiple occasions in ceremony he’d show me all the darkness and greed attached to plant medicines. A plant like Ayahuasca is an energetic sponge and will soak up the energy and intentions of those around her. My shadow kept telling me she is not pura medicina. He would tell me the operators of these retreat centres were mostly in it for the money. They are retreats designed for affluent westerners and no local would get their “healing” from a place such as this. Those with integrity would balance their higher intentions with business but make no mistake as income generators there are many hands with a stake in the enterprise. He told me they use people to further their outreach as it is free advertising. The visions and thoughts I had regarding this state of affairs were very slimy and unnerving. I didn’t like that at all and was very troubled by them. My visions became tainted by this knowledge and I had to learn to let it go. It was difficult to reconcile the pursuit of higher consciousness with the paradigm of profit. I chalked up the visions to a darkness within the medicine as opposed to an energetic component that parasitically attached to the remedy and I did my best to avoid going back to those strange places of consciousness. I reconciled commerce and spiritual retreats and I was okay with it as long as there was no hard sell. Employees must be paid and food doesn’t show up on one’s plate for free.

Within social constructs there is always one person who is able to generate wealth and from them it flows outwards. They are power centres that attract followers. Huachumon perfectly explained this to me while I was in the Andes mountains of Ecuador in late 2017. You play within the system, generate wealth, and people gravitate towards you. Obviously, the problem arises when the person at the head of the construct can no longer function in that role; in the case to which I’m referring they balance greed, insecurity, and a business genuinely interested in raising consciousness. This creates a vacuum and power is transferred to someone else whose intentions could be primarily revenue generation and they base all decisions upon this sentiment, sprinkled in with a mistrust of others. When the stresses of life come and mark my words they will, it will reveal their true intentions. It will be reflected in the plant medicines and this new vibe will permeate the surroundings.

My shadow repeatedly warned me to not get attached. Maintain your freedom as you never know what’s around the corner. The events that lately have transpired vindicate what he was showing and teaching me. I’m sure it happens on such a regular basis he just laughs and re-runs the same script over and over. I guess I need to look inwards and put myself in the situation. What would I do? Would I sell out and make selfish decisions, not caring about the fallout, and be unable to see the consequences of my actions? Perhaps I am off-base because I’m privileged to have been born in a part of the world where prosperity and generating income hasn’t been a problem. I’m far enough along this path I’ve seen some things. I could trade in my influence and knowledge for power which I could convert into riches. I was offered this deal. I have been all along seeking out knowledge and have sat at the feet of the great teacher and grasped what he was saying. If you want power he will give it to you. Just ask. There’s this wonderful and feel good word he throws around called reciprocity. You ask for something and in return you offer up something. You take and you give back. That’s how it works. It’s so sanguine and one of those next level spiritual concepts that makes everything so glorious. Reciprocity. Such an enlightened way of thinking.

Ha ha. Ask of your shadow and it’s yours. Here you go. Are you going to keep your end of the bargain you just made? Yeah, I didn’t think so. No one told you about the consequences, did they? It’s best not to take if you aren’t willing to fulfill your end of the agreement. Reciprocity doesn’t seem so grand when the collector shows up at your door for payment.

I lead a charmed life and stumble onto and past obstacles on the spiritual path. I loved the concept of reciprocity when I listened to the elucidation of its ideals of fairness and equity. I once asked the Great Goddess to tell me the answer to a question I had wondered about all my life. In short time, she told me the answer. In return, I promised I’d write a book about it. I’m done the book. Paid in full. I tested my shadow out a few times with trivial asks in exchange for becoming his student. It all worked out. I have no debts and I don’t plan to incur any. My only asks of plant medicines involve the raising of consciousness and in exchange I will write about it. I wanted to conquer my fears and develop courage and bravery. I was shown love and my heart was ripped open. I seek knowledge and set out on a path to become a spiritual warrior. All these qualities I wished to acquire I have been blessed with their bestowment. In return, I am working towards becoming a healer and raising the level of consciousness in this world for the good of all. I seek not fame, fortune, or self-aggrandizement. I fulfill my obligations, sometimes with aplomb and sometimes I am a miserable failure. However, the intention remains. I see many fall off the path or gravitate away from it. Taking a deep dive into the reasons, I’m sure it has to do with reciprocity or even trying to escape fulfilling your contractual obligations as us human scoundrels are predisposed to do.

When you play the long game, you can see it. The reciprocal outcomes are tangible and fair; so much so that the plant medicine path can be described as an exercise in reciprocity.

hypocrite

If you do not want to be a spiritual hypocrite, you need to get your act together before you start projecting and preaching your light. The crash and self-loathing will come hard if you don’t. It’s okay, we all have our moments where we are pieces of shit. We all have our needs, wants, and desires. If you do not master your desires, they will forever harangue you and influence your behaviour. They will present at the most inopportune times. The spiritual path blueprint, if I were to draw one up, starts at going into the darkness and the depths of your being.

No one wants to do that, we all of course head for the light. I wouldn’t say it’s a shortcut but it is a shiny object on the spiritual path which attracts us like a magnet. Being holy is a way to be successful in life as it’s the same life game we always play, just transferred onto the spiritual path. Eventually, we plant medicine users all get a taste of the darkness and call it the bad trip, therefore we develop strategies to avoid a repeat of that journey. Some of us get good at it and others tap out. The result of this behaviour is that we anesthetize the whole experience. Love and light baby!

Plant medicine experiences present the extremes which encompass the love and bliss of an exalted state and the hauntingly dreadful darkness of self. So here’s the thing: The darkness is present for a reason. It’s demanding reconciliation. It offers shortcuts out and this easy power is taken at your own peril because you never end up mastering the darkness; instead you become its puppet. I now have hindsight and I know I made all the decisions one would expect except these ones: I kept my freedom, never took the darkness up on offers of power, nor did I play the holy man game. Being free allowed me to eventually explore this darkness and subsequently I went through its ringer of tests and came out the other side. I know in 2008 I started poking around at the meaning of life and in 2013 I started perturbing consciousness. It’s only now in 2020 that I can say I’ve risen from the depths of self. I have finally mastered self. If I could go back in time that’s what I’d tell myself back in 2008. Master your own inner desires because until you do that you will be a slave to them and it will constantly set you back and for some it will destroy you. That’s the thing about your demons; if you follow them they will end you or make you a monster however they are ultimately teachers. Otherworldly teachers whom we demonize! It’s a bad rap as shouldn’t teachings have dire consequences in order to enable supreme efficacy? If you fail in our society, it’s met by a shoulder shrug, a pat on the head, and a try to do better next time. How about if you fail you lose everything and face death? That’s pretty motivating. The darkness as a teacher is the most demanding and worthwhile teacher I have ever encountered. I misread him for the longest time and treated him as a mortal adversary. In a way, it’s true. He would have destroyed my life or even killed me if I failed and I would have cursed him for this result. Many times he came for me, forced me to do better, to search for answers, until finally I got it.

The spiritual path, when engaged, leads immediately to a pursuit of the light. We strive to become good and shed the selfish behaviours of our past. With the wave of our spiritual wand, all of the dubious traits of our former persona vanishes. With plant medicines it actually does happen. It all vanishes and we go on the trip. We feel good about what we have embarked on and we are radiating our new found enlightenment. When we return home we still have it and we let others know. And then it starts to wear off and we are challenged by our old habits and avenues of misfortune which leads back to the darkness and desires. A taste of the light is intoxicating however to live in that state permanently requires some deep shadow work. There is a need for self-mastery and without it, the cycle of despair will continue forever. High and low. Elation and self-loathing. Light and dark.

We end up hiding our darkness within our new found spirituality, hoping that we can contain it this way. Turning towards the light allows us a reprieve from all those desires we used to chase and we go all in on the spiritual trip. Eventually, they will come back even stronger; they aren’t going anywhere. The only way out is through. Heading towards the light without first integrating the darkness is a fool’s errand. Do not suppress nor try to defeat desire or one up darkness. Instead, the answer is to master the self.

warrior

Why do the lessons of Ayahuasca begin in full on classes months before I go drink again? I understand the integration period and the importance of continuing with the lessons received from the previous round of work. I understood where I was on the path of becoming a fully realized human being and knew I was avoiding a full on trip into the darkness of self. I had become brave enough to take brief forays into it and peek below, somewhat satisfying my curiosity, however I’d never fully gone back as I’d leave a lifeline that would get me out of the labyrinth and I was still guarded a bit. The time has come to revisit the horrors of my original forays into the world of plant medicines now equipped with knowledge and understanding. I set my intention for my next journey hopefully in 2021 to explore further the nether regions of self. As always happens, the preparation for in-person class comes fast and furious.

Jaguar training school is run by the darkness that lies within to train the human to release the jaguar out into the world. The darkness is not malicious; I know that now. It is relentless and can be perceived as malicious but understand it is tough love, so tough it can be deadly to enter into its advanced teachings. The teaching methods of the darkness are unique, somewhat cruel, and the training wheels are off in that it can kill. To forge steel is a heavy process and there will be casualties along the way. This isn’t for everyone; in fact I’d reserve it only for a select few. You will be exposed to everything that makes you tick and it will be intensified. You will be in a fight for your life as you confront everything. You will curse the darkness and try to bury it within again. Nothing is off the table in terms of outcomes. If you want to run - run. If you want to become an alcoholic to numb the pain and escape - drink. If you want to castrate yourself to escape desire - cut. If you want to run towards comfort - eat to obesity and numb the mind on culture and social media. There are no requirements to continue on the path and many ways off. I don’t know about you but I was never comfortable with failure. I was extremely uncomfortable however with the darkness that lies within.

Over a year before I drank Ayahuasca for the first time I wrote a poem about the darkness I perceived bent on destroying me.

I wanted to get rid of it and was at the point in my life where the crossroads of existence became centre stage. I was primed to start climbing the mountain towards enlightenment in order to receive my holy robes and be declared a winner of the game of life. I started searching for the meaning of life and wanted to transcend the human. It’s an exercise in frustration and I constantly was interrupted by the darkness within, always at my side, laughing at me and my fellow humans for their folly. I found plant medicines and went off in search of transcendence that way as a shortcut to my beatitude. My second time drinking Ayahuasca I was punched in the gut. The resulting beat down and paranoia chased me back home to live out life a cowering mess. I had a choice in whether I wanted to accept defeat or get up off the mat and fight. In reality, I had no choice if I wanted to live life fully. If I didn’t want to fight back I’d have to find a way to numb consciousness. Eventually, step by step, with the help of the feminine divine I battled back. I got pretty good at it and was able to right the ship and continue the journey. The darkness was still lying in wait; however it was abated while I figured out my plan of action.

I went back to the jungle to confront the darkness. I was scared and sat in the first ceremony prior to drinking wondering why I was back and going through this? I wanted to run again. Little did I know this mountain of a man was sitting beside me to my right, smoking away on mapacho, who would help me on this path with his encouragement and positivity. It was help that was huge and beyond anything I could ever payback. I was immediately confronted by the demon. I stood my ground that night and earned respect. In a way, the darkness accepted me as his student that night though I wasn’t aware I had enrolled.

I have subsequently been challenged with being strong, brave, courageous, and standing up for myself in both ceremony and in life. I have definitely not received straight As. I mean who really could? This is serious and difficult life lessons. My third visit to the jungle and successfully navigating the treacherous waters resulted in my transformation into a jaguar. Ultimately, the darkness is teaching you to become a warrior and invite you into the order of the jaguar. I got my spots for my courage. I faced the darkness and then was charged by a jaguar. I stood toe to toe with that jaguar and he became me. What a rush. It’s something I’ll cherish forever and a graduation planned out to perfection. That’s why don Howard coined the sanctuary SpiritQuest.

School was by no means finished. Higher education beckoned. I demonstrated I had the fortitude to be successful though I still had a lot of work to do. The darkness flooded me with all the desires and behaviours that were holding me back; so much so it was overwhelming at times. I cursed the darkness, wondering when it would ever stop? I wanted to be a shining example for everyone. I knew love was the ultimate answer. I could project that but lying within was still my humanness. How do I get past that? It’s lying within and making me a liar.

To become a warrior is hard work. Strength of steel comes from being battle-tested in life’s foundry and facing one’s own demise. Gladiators aren’t anointed and coddled or issued certificates acknowledging their bravery. It’s strange that I didn’t realize this seven years ago. I defined the darkness as being an adversary instead of being a teacher. The greatest teacher I have ever known. Without the darkness I could not lay claim to the following:

Courage

Bravery

Strength, not being weak

Standing up for myself

Confidence

Fortitude

Resolve

Rising to the Challenge

These attributes are the domain of the darkness that lies within with an assist from the heart. This is what the teacher wants to teach you. It is a difficult path and he will stalk and kill you if you do not transform. He will dig down deep into your soul and pull all that shit up and make you confront it. He will imbue it with power and have it relentlessly stalk you. I slowly passed each test and was left with one more to go. I remember the night it happened last month. I finally broke free of the spell of culture and tasted complete freedom. I knew it immediately. This battle was over. I am a warrior. I now wait to return to the jungle to see what’s next. As don Howard would say, “There’s always more."

Onward ho! The journey continues towards becoming an adept of the darkness. 

the evolution of god

Culture is a bitch. I learned in English literature class in high school that every good story needed an antagonist. After all, it’s hard to go on a hero’s journey without one. I learned from seeking answers to vexing spiritual questions that the answer to all is found within after your external journey has become exhausted. It was strange that I couldn’t see that until I looked everywhere except within for answers. Our life is a drama; I’d also take game for an answer. It would suck if everything were a constant and all was provided for. Some stability is needed in order to allow progression; I mean if I am constantly on the hunt for food and needing protection, then I couldn’t very well sit here at my computer and ruminate upon the nature of existence. So, eventually you conclude that you and everyone else are god and living out this funny existence. Or at least that’s the conclusion I reached. We are the psychic manifestation, to wit the avatars of consciousness splintered, of the dreaming mind at large. This mind being a reconciliation of all who then self reflects through expressing the energy into what we have labelled the universe in our search for understanding. So far, so good. However, English lit class said this would get boring without an adversary. Luckily within, it is this darkness who challenges and harangues us. When first confronted with it, myself being exhibit "A", I ran from it and then processed the experience as a bad trip and an external enemy. I curiously returned to take another look and the darkness was always with me; I couldn’t bypass it. After exhausting avenues of blame for this stain upon my holy self, I finally realized that I was indeed the darkness. Once I grokked this truth, I could peer even more into the underpinnings of self. Hmmm... there’s a lot of hate, desires, lusts, perversions, greed, possessiveness, and jealousy buried down there. Conversely, a whole lotta love. All elements utilized to keep the story moving along. All plot devices for when the drama gets stale.

I was elated to learn I was god. It’s quite the trip you know, especially when everyone else is ignorant of their divine status. Being able to play this role while others are still lost, is the root of monotheism. That’s a good business model to dupe the plebs and get power, fame, and fortune. But I digress. What I mean by culture is a bitch is the realization you are god leads to the crossroads. As a seeker you have a choice to stop and say, "Cool, I’m god" and all is going to work out and I’ll play this role, advisably in a quiet manner lest the whispers of your insanity start. Conversely, you may keep seeking on the path to an unattainable knowledge of self. As I have explained before, I stay aboard that ship of fools. I kept at it and the next step in the evolution of god then presented itself. In order to play the part of god and really make it stick, I need an adversary. A tempter to throw me off my holy path and one who no one can transcend despite appearances and assurances that they are now enlightened and have moved beyond the human.

Yeah, so here’s the thing. As god, I’m also the devil. Far out stuff to keep the game afoot. It’s tough to accept because of cultural indoctrination. This realization still gives me the creeps. I mean the devil? Come on, that dude is really scary, and I’m him? Can I be that guy? The indoctrination goes so deep I am loathe to admit it. Seriously, though I don’t want to accept that culture still plays a role in my seeking, I deep down know it does. I know it because I have reached the stage where I must fully accept I am the adversary who tempts in order to fulfill the role of keeping this game going. The game is set up to learn knowledge of self. If you are the all how do you seek outside psychiatric help when you learn of your pathology? Well, you can’t. The only way to do it is to divide up all your neuroses into aspects of self and then give yourself amnesia. Then through challenge and stress you may learn what it is you are really made of, what you suck at, and then work on moving past that block or at least admitting to it.

It goes back to the union of the divine feminine and masculine and how we are currently separated. Divorce makes up the manifest universe and through this playground we are seeking knowledge and understanding of self so that when we do finally recombine into a harmonious whole, we can drop the acrimony. The long separation began due to this inability to get along and so we went our separate ways. Who would give in first to longing? I lost that bet though in my ignorance I did win the first round. Once I discovered who she was then I longed to hold and possess her once more. She is on to that possession game though. Isn’t that the reason for the separation? From a unique perspective I view this all as teasing foreplay bringing us to the edge of giving in. When we look into each other’s eyes we feel it and want to embrace. We take turns denying each other satisfaction. Yeah, I still have much work to do before I give up the game and recombine into the all.

untangling the web

Everything starts to unravel once you get past the initial gnarly knots. We are told to follow the right hand masculine path which strives for reason and logic, with asceticism and purity worthy goals, all free from the siren call of the female. She will shipwreck and take you away from achieving your personal greatness. Check out the ancient Greek Homeric story of Odysseus for further elucidation on this patriarchal trope. The left hand path is the forbidden path. It’s the sensuous path of Tantra. The path of caring and cultivating relationships. The feminine path contains chaos, pleasure, and desire. Hinduism and Buddhism proscribe ideals of non-attachment. Free yourself from desire they say; but wait, love is ultimately from desire. The woman is where the erotic and exotic principle comes from and all masculine spiritual paths are either ascetic or frown on the sex thing. Even Jesus, who hung out with Mary Magdalene, eventually says to disown your family in order to walk with him.

Luke 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Wanting to stay pure and on the straight and narrow? To become desireless is so hard; well, actually it is impossible, so we create a straw man to blame who tempts us away from our path. He’s the adversary, the tempter Satan. All our fucked up erotic fantasies and desires for all forms of guilty pleasures and selfishness are because of Satan. He tempts us. He did it. What a crock. The real Satan is us and it is the masculine part of us who engenders the no desire, uncaring, unfeeling race to the top so we can glorify ourselves, and then fingers Eros as the devil so that the real greedy scoundrel can remain unmasked. This gives the Satan within free reign to run around the world promoting division in the name of economic progress. Satan has branched out as the world system of greed and everyone out for themselves, engendered by man, which is the direct result of a lack of love and compassion for our fellow human travellers. We enable the god of war, but we are loathe to admit it or try to change it earnestly.

conversations with myself

Taking stock of myself with the intimate knowledge of what it is that exerted control over me for so long, I came to the realization towards the end of this year that I could easily manifest this destructive entity if I chose to do so. I knew the thought patterns and behaviours I could use to surface this thing and I got it in my head I could perform an exorcism of sorts. I made plans to one night engage in activities I had long ago abandoned, get this thing to manifest, and then use a spell to vanquish him. I remembered advice about postponing war only benefits your enemy and since the enemy and myself knew this was coming, I rushed my plan into action. I didn't get a warm and fuzzy feeling in my gut about doing this. There was not resistance, but there was not a positive feeling that yes this seems like a good thing to do. I went ahead anyways, if nothing else I thought it would be a good affirmation of my strength. So one night I planned a ceremony, addressed my spirit helpers about what I was going to do, asked for their support, and then prepared to meet my adversary.

It didn't go exactly as planned but it was not a disaster. I filled my mind with the thoughts and stimulation that I knew would bring out the dark energy that is present in me. Out it came and it enjoyed the stroll down memory lane. I ended it after about an hour - I repeated three times an incantation I had written in an attempt to get rid of this thing. I'm not sure it would be proper to say I underestimated my opponent, no far from that, I knew his power. What I did underestimate was the power he had to infect the mind. What I mean is that how the darkness works is by planting thoughts into the mind that then cycle in an endless loop until you're trapped. After I ended this ceremony I went to bed but as I lay there these thoughts remained with me and they became feelings which then become very hard to ignore once they reach that stage. Mantras can work to dispel these thoughts but when these thoughts run unchecked for a full hour it is very difficult to excise these from the mind.

The next day these thoughts were recurring in my mind at a frequent interval. A tinge of resignation came over me as I wondered how I could ever get rid of this thing and not have it hanging off me for the rest of my life. I had to use some mantras to get this back under wraps as I sensed its presence and potential to multiply into being out of control once again in my life. I had plans for later in the day that would get my mind off this situation for 24 hours which was good as it allowed me to step back from what was happening. When I revisited this problem the next day I was surprised by what I learned from this whole episode.

I went for my morning walk with my dog in the woods and started processing the experience. I specifically questioned the nature of this entity and the black magic it can wield that casts a spell on your mind which promulgates this feedback loop. You allow these initial thoughts into your head and from this I was able to sense this is how you create feelings. Your thoughts create feelings and this begins a cycle where the outcome is that you eventually act on these feelings. So I began to see the power inherent in an individual to manifest their own reality. I had heard of that saying before but I'd never been clear on it. I started to see how it works and taking it the next logical step further you see how exponentially it affects us on a collective basis. If the consciousness' of human beings are constantly bombarded with messages of fear then these thoughts that are implanted in your head cause the feelings of anxiety, hatred, and intolerance towards others. It softens up your mind so that someone else's agenda can be implanted within you and then as a society we act upon this. In the same way it can be shown how advertising plays upon people's insecurities or need to keep up appearances when they use these techniques to sell their products.

So because of this I entered into a conversation with my higher self during this time of solitude in the woods. The first topic that was very concerning to me was the question of will I ever get rid of this entity that inhabits part of my psyche and is forever trying to implant these messages within me? The answer was to simply not think the thoughts that cause this dark entity to manifest. Yes well I have gotten good at that and I can use mantras to quell any aberrant thoughts that make their way past my defences. However am I only just suppressing these thoughts? Doesn't Freud say repressing these thoughts will lead to the expressing of these deep desires in another way which will be even worse? I want to get rid of the enemy. The answer came in the form of explaining to me what attachment is. If you still have the desire to entertain these thoughts then you will remain attached to them. When you transcend that desire then you do not need to suppress these thoughts anymore because they mean nothing to you. If you can't do that then you are stuck and you might as well get yourself mired knee deep again in that muck and filth. You have already experienced it and you were shown the result of that behaviour in a vision. Thoughts > Feelings > Actions > Consequences. Is that what you want to revisit? Do you still feel that pull? Attachments are very injurious to the soul. It will mean the death of the soul in this incarnation and you'll have to repeat the class. You have come this far and you now have the keys to unlock the doors to immortality and transcend this world of illusion. Would you like to give the keys back so you can partake in fleeting sensory pleasure once again? Haven't we been down this road before? How long did it take and what were the challenges presented to you in order to extricate yourself from the mess you had gotten yourself into? Are you seriously entertaining these thoughts? Well yes, they are tempting me I must admit to myself. It's sorcery and quite devious and I had hoped to have moved past this. You have moved past it and there is no need to revisit it unless you want to throw everything away. You have been taught many things which I know you now understand. Your journeys into altered forms of consciousness and the subsequent processing of the experiences have taught you many lessons. You know the importance of making yourself a holy vessel both physically and mentally that allows you to vibrate into a higher plane and you have experienced this. You know how this is possible and these things are no longer mysteries to you. The first time you entered into this strange world of spirits you were told all is vibration.

There was a specific reason you were told that so that years down the road when you really start to put together all the pieces of the puzzle you would use the knowledge of all being vibration to lead you to shed all your attachments to this material plane in order to raise the frequency of your vibration and transcend the physical plane. Attachments weigh you down and your adversary is operating the store that carries the heavy weights. He is literally attaching stuff onto who you are so that you have to haul this shit around. If you get weighed down by these attachments you never raise your vibration to a level that will allow you to break free of the prison that holds your soul captive. Remember now the weighing of the heart scene and the many depictions of it in ancient Egypt from the Book of the Dead.

What were they saying pictorially? Your heart needs to be as light as a feather. It's the weight, not the size. What do the Gnostics say is sin? It is attaching your soul to material pursuits. You have to shed your attachments. The adversary will always be there to give you the opportunity to indulge your senses and get attached once again. He's not going anywhere but you know well enough to not listen to him. There's no need to fear him. Have an awareness he will always be there looking for an in. When you are not at your best; when you slip from an ideal of purity then he will be there offering you drink and respite so he can get his hooks back into you. We all took part in creating the adversary and this world is essentially an academy for souls. We have to transcend what are called the seven deadly sins through multiple incarnations and trials. The seven heads of the beast; the seven hills of Babylon. Cut off the heads, climb all seven hills, find your way through the labyrinth of life, subdue the Minotaur, and head to the light. Find the pearl guarded by the dragon and then get out! It's quite the fool's journey. These symbols are expressions for this journey that we all undertake. It is by no means easy but when you reach the point where you understand all this and you have seen the light then it's time to shed the baggage, hit the accelerator, and get out of here! Trust me, you're almost home; you have been gone so long you don't even know where or what home is.

I do know this; I've just never put it all together or taken stock of where I stand. But in terms of attachment and desire I am curious about my thoughts and how these manifest into feelings that I then act upon. How can I, in this world, remain free of desire? You already know the answer though you have never put it all together. You see if you turn your thoughts towards your heart then you manifest feelings of love. You then express this love. It works both ways, the light or the dark, so it becomes a choice of what you want your thoughts to manifest. You are not suppressing anything, you just choose love. Love is the highest vibration you can attain and this is why you want to create a vessel of physical and mental purity in order to allow as much of this love into your being as possible. So the answers and this quest of yours boil down to one simple word. Love. Everybody already knows this. For something so simple it's very hard to choose isn't it? This goes back to the beginning of our discussion. Yes you will always have to contend with negative thoughts, these will never go away. Choose love, it's the only answer.