waking up twice

My shadow is nuts. My shadow is my best friend. My shadow is my teacher. My shadow is a maestro.

We are co-dependents. I now clearly see the trajectory of my awakening, transformation, and the why all this happened. A lifetime of preparation and events designed to get me to wake up. I finally took the plunge at middle age and I look back now into all that happened and marvel at the process. Why did I need to wake up? What is the purpose of my life?

I had an inkling throughout my life I was, for lack of a better term, a dualistic construct. The split was hidden and the other, my shadow, sufficiently buried however I knew he affected my life. I thought of him as a negative influence and the primary reason for this thinking is because my subjugation of him in concert with my culture led to the explosion of his influence whenever he got the chance. Whenever I let my guard down, he was ready to pounce. These situations occurred during times of agitation, depression, suppression of control and filters through the use of alcohol, and sexual needs. I definitely could chart his presence during these times and being of the inquisitive sort, it was predestined that I'd become curious about who exactly is the person I call I.

The initial phase of my awakening involved a curiosity towards the question of God or to be more exact I wondered why humans believe what they do and what is the origin of beliefs? At this point in my life I was definitely atheist, though not hardcore. I was open to changing my mind if I could find sufficient evidence for a plausible belief in divinity. Through a chain of implausible coincidences and fortunate events, I soon found myself in Egypt wandering through ancient temples and exploring fantabulous pyramids. I didn't know it at the time but in essence whatever I needed to keep me going on this path was given and granted. My benefactors were cagey, didn't overdo it, but kept me interested. When I returned from my trip abroad soon an art magazine wanted to interview me about my journey and photography. There was no good reason for this but I was wonderfully oblivious and played along. My interest was stoked and I dove deep into the mystical lore of ancient Egypt and became fascinated with their goddesses. I wondered why my culture's 21st century religious constructs have no goddesses? What happened? Why is it such a male-centric belief system that culture pushes on us?

Why indeed; but, that really wasn't the point. The point was to get me to start searching for the Goddess in order to recover and free her from the chains of culture. I intuitively knew she was with me and I summoned my intellect to figure out a way to come into contact with her. The gambit to awaken me was in full swing. Eventually, I discovered shamanism and deduced, via nighttime singing and dancing for the Great Egyptian Goddess Hathor in her temple at Denderah, that by altering my consciousness I could come into direct contact with her.

I wasn't wrong. Wow! I did it. I searched the world for her, found her, and now I'm in her presence. It was the greatest night of my life. By altering my consciousness, I come into the presence of unconditional love and deep compassion. I think I'll do it again. Where is she? Instead, my shadow lay in wait.

He KO'ed me with one punch. He sent me running for cover. I cowered in fear and went into panic mode. I became paranoid everyone was in on this beatdown. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. I was a piece of shit. Luckily, there were a few people around with me in this jungle camp that through talk therapy allowed me to get over this nightmare and I decided to give the alteration of consciousness another shot. My shadow was waiting once again and this time he offered me an extraordinary amount of power in exchange for my soul. He wanted to be in the driver's seat of this construct and in return fulfill all my desires.

He was in my way. I just wanted to get back into the presence of the Great Goddess. Spurned, my shadow told me to leave this place, go home, and never return upon penalty of death. That's what I needed to do, just go home. He followed me home and I couldn't shake him. He harassed me to the point of panic.

In hindsight, this was a gamble on his part. I'm pretty resourceful and could have found a way to numb consciousness and forget the whole episode. I know now why he did it. He wanted me to transform into a brave and courageous warrior because a fearful coward isn't going to complete the hero's journey and transform into a warrior. To cut to the chase, the reason for my transformation is because of my shadow and my longing to return into the arms of the Goddess. I completed the quest once I showed bravery, courage, and perseverance. I became unstoppable and up the mountain I went. I'm the hero. I know who I am. I've tasted the fruits of enlightenment.

There's more to life than the quest. The awakening and the hero's journey are only the beginning. What a wonderful ride this incarnation is and has been. I now know why I did it. Why I created this world and birthed myself into it. Self-reflection, knowledge of self, and finding balance through reconciliation of my extremes into the centre symbolized by the axis mundi and ultimately the answer is the love of the Goddess will temper the extremes with the result an eternal project to purify what just is. We have forever; so, why not? The rest of my lifetime is devoted to these principles.

But why did he do it? Why did my shadow, through non-ordinary methods, wake me up and transform me into a warrior? Why did he want to turn me into a worthy adversary, one who could fight him?

He is desire and I'm his brother non-desire. There's a pact between us siblings. Once one is awake and transforms into his eternal avatar, the agreement is to then wake the other up. I awoke first and then had to be threatened with death and dishonour in order to enact my transformation. I am the worthy foil to my shadow. Now, I can transform him.

It was because of the mushroom I figured this out. The intoxication is all tryptamine which means there is no presence of the Goddess, just me and my shadow. My first inclination is I don't need to do these psychedelics anymore. I've transformed; I know the drill. I realize what this experience is about and how to use these tools for awakening and transformation. I think I'm done with them. How selfish of me! Ha! I got what I want and no need to reciprocate. As the night went on and I had to play psychotherapist to my shadow, I became annoyed but once again curious. It wasn't long until I realized my new role. I need to transform my shadow. He seeks peace and I have the elixir to transform him from madman to exalted divinity. The holder of power and great magician who created the material world welcomed back to his rightful place on my eternal throne. He transformed me and I will transform him. That was the agreement and now that I see it I will fulfill my end of the bargain.

The ongoing pandemic forced me to seek out ways of altering my consciousness within my confines I call home. I can't go anywhere. As I decided upon psilocybin and approached the use of magic mushrooms, I concurrently became interested in Tarot. I have a deck and can-do readings. Whoever devised this revelatory and oracular system was tuned into the ultimate meaning and journey called life. The Major Arcana begins with the Fool. Obviously, I'm the Fool and this is my journey; a journey of transformation. The initial counted card coming right after the Fool is my brother, the shadow, the Magician. Somebody knew what's up. I did two readings concerning my shadow and both times pulled the Magician card. My shadow is great of magic and part of the reason why I was so intent upon exploring this aspect of my being is over the past year and a bit the magic available to me and my perception of it has been off the charts. I won't detail it as I won't convince you of its efficacy. The only way you will intuit magic in this world is through personal experience and the subsequent knowing. I'll leave it at that. My shadow holds the power and in the course of awakening this was offered to me. My teachers, both human and divine, all warned me about this power and how it will seduce all who grab the ring. I'm a good listener, the concept of freedom and liberation was drummed into my head, and I used the pursuit of the Goddess to sidestep the trappings of power. I did it! I'm a made man. I left the magic and power to the domain of my brother, my shadow, the great magician. Now, I have the key to fully awaken and transform my brother in my crowning act of unconditional love.

This is how I see it. The worldwide pandemic was enacted until my frustration at not being able to travel would lead me towards investigating alternative methods of altering consciousness. Eventually, as the timespan was reaching the two-year mark, I had to make a decision whether I'd forego integrity and succumb to the demands of culture in order to travel or stay true to self and my convictions and use the time as an opportunity to explore different modalities of consciousness. When I reached the crunch time of decision, the owl appeared to guide my actions and then coincidentally I started seeing avenues of acquisition for psilocybin mushrooms.

When I returned from Peru in March of 2020 and subsequently integrated my experience, I knew any path forward with Ayahuasca had to involve a deep dive into the shadow. My shadow is masculine; well, he is the ultimate alpha male. When I drink Ayahuasca, the experience is balanced. What I mean is that for as much as I wish to explore the shadow there is the presence of la Madre in the journey and she protects me. She has given me her cloak of protection and thus I enter into altered states knowing she has my back. Ultimately, what I'm looking for is a journey that is mano a mano; just me and my shadow.

Now that I have journeyed with magic mushrooms, it's obvious why I was led to their use. They separate the veil between the dark and the light; to wit me and my shadow. This was the experience I wrote about needing to have. Without lockdown, I never would have done it and would have been frustrated with the use of Ayahuasca to go deep, unencumbered into the domain of the shadow. My shadow is the great magician and can weave a worldwide spell. I clearly see this is the reason for the pandemic. I'm sufficiently deluded to believe my shadow is ultimately responsible for the pandemic with the result to steer me towards the mushroom experience.

So, now that I have followed his guiding hand towards the modality of mushrooms, tripped with him one on one, seen the utility of the mushroom, now I predict the pandemic will come to an end over the next few months. For real.

Follow what is calling out to you. I promise you, it's an adventure like no other.