For my first mushroom experience, I picked the night of the crossroads; an homage to the magic of the Greek Goddess Hecate and the tri-fold nature of the moon. I chewed 2 grams of dried mushrooms as the midnight hour came and went while I turned 54. I had read the mushrooms don't taste all that great and people have different strategies of mitigating the chewing and swallowing. So, with a little uneasiness I bit into the mushroom and took the head and half a stem into my mouth. They were mild and tasted like a mushroom. Really, this is a problem for people? Ayahuasca is disgusting; Huachuma is slimy and gross though a bit easier to drink than Ayahuasca. Peyote tea is earthy, strong, and so tough on the stomach; therefore, you can only drink a tablespoon of the decoction at a time. Shrooms are a walk in the park. I thought well, that was easy as I chewed and swallowed the rest. I felt peaceful. I should mention I bought a Tarot deck a few weeks ago and have been doing readings on myself. The process is hauntingly accurate and I pulled a card earlier in the day to make sure my plan of a consciousness journey that night was an auspicious choice. I pulled a reversed 10 of swords. The image is of a dead man with ten swords in his back but the fact it was upside down suggested rebirth and regeneration as the knives of culture are removed and I re-awaken to the truth of this whole strange game. It is knowledge I seek and this reassured me of a worthwhile endeavour as opposed to a trippy carnival of shiny happy people and funny shapes. I wasn't interested in the funhouse aspect of a mushroom trip but rather, as per usual, I wanted introspection and a dive into the deep end.
You know, I started with 2 grams because the literature said it's enough to have a psychedelic experience without going too far and losing your grip. Since I have dozens of trips behind me, this seemed like a good jumping off point with the intention future trips I'll adjust dosage as per experience. My expectations were the effects would come on after 40 minutes to an hour; so, I completed my nightly rituals and then sat in quiet meditation, lotus style, while listening to the music of the visionary artist Anilah. When Anilah sang "Warriors live gracefully" I felt the tingles throughout my body and they stayed like a prolonged orgasm we wish we could all have. From then on I was immersed in the intoxication. The first alteration of perception I took note of was that she started to sound much younger, going from a heavy deeper voice to a purer and more youthful vibe. I noticed a spatial separation of instruments where instead of the music being a harmonic combination of all the instruments they were delineated which made them sound less impressive. The sum of the parts is truly greater than each individual. Certainly before 40 minutes, my vision started breaking apart as I looked at my jaguar tapestry and it became more defined before starting to change shape and colour, becoming more desaturated. Within no time I felt the familiar hypnotic pull of the intoxication. When I intuited the presence of my shadow I felt there was the all too familiar attempt at possession; he wants control over me. It's the strong hypnotic pull of both the visuals and the pulsing strength of the medicine that is trying to put me into a trance. I have mapped out this part of the alteration of consciousness journey so it's expected. The elapsed time seemed to mimic the onset of Ayahuasca I have experienced multiple times. In fact, the visions and hypnagogic strobing were the exact same as I initially encounter with Ayahuasca. Without prior experience, I'd have internally flagged this as the beginning of a bad trip due to irrational fear and things would spiral out from there. But here I am, over eight years later, welcoming my old friend tryptamine back to the party. That's where I am now in this life journey. I know too much. Alright, we are going to do this. The intoxication was strong and I was glad I held at 2 grams. Imagine if I had taken 5 grams ala Terence McKenna? I remembered the lessons of heaven and hell from the teachings of the great Huachumeros and having to steer my ship through the rough waters as I faced what is called ego dissolution. I'm a veteran of this nonsense as I felt the disdain of culture and the hatred of those who cannot control me fall away. I held on to the wheel and kept this ship on the straight and narrow as the visions and uneasiness increased. I reasoned that if I get past these rough waters then it's exploration time!
The experience was hyper-cyclical in that the intoxication would come on strong in waves, at time squeezing my innards like it was trying to take something from me. Subsequently, I would be released, feel free, and think the power games were over only to once again resume. I would slump over the side of my oversized chair resigned to riding out this phase of the experience. Then would come the threats of now I got you and I could kill you. It's getting old hat. I remembered I was responsible for my mind state and knew ultimately it was I who was in the driver's seat. This allowed me to endure just how intense and powerful everything that I was feeling and not flip out about it. If I was a novice I would have been scared and ran to who knows where? Soon afterwards, I'd close my eyes and the visions were classically psychedelic in that they were just kaleidoscopic undulating patterns. At one point, they turned into large grey mechanical objects that were filling up the room I was in. Opening my eyes easily released me from the visions and allowed me to get an understanding of the strange and powerful hypnotic nature of substances related to tryptamines. For instance, the large jaguar tapestry I was looking at would be transforming into different shades of colour, the contours of the design would become sharper, and then the image would return to normal. My body naturally is trying to return to a default state while being flooded with chemicals that are causing the altered reality and this seems to create the rhythm that I define as hypnotic.
I'm hyper-aware of attempts to hypnotize. It's why I have a hard time with life, culture, and salespeople lol. I see through the bullshit. I'll go along with it for a while but eventually will have to take my leave. I'm not complaining as I prefer it this way. I mean it's the you do you and I'll do me philosophy. I'll be here when you awaken from the hypnosis but do not expect me to participate.
The ego dissolution process of the mushroom laid bare the split of me and my shadow. There was no happy time to be gleaned tonight from the magic mushroom. Instead, my shadow was revealing himself fully to me. He created the world to get my attention and approval. I said you don't have to do that, I love and respect you. My shadow, the magician par excellence, uses magic and control to try and win favour with me. There's a child-like psychological need for recognition. On the other hand, I just want to be left alone. I escape to the forest with my dog and people still seek me out. They want me to tell them what's wrong with them. I have such clarity so I tell them. Neurotics are attracted to me because I'm so inviting and charming. I will solve their problems or at least tell them what's wrong. My calmness soothes their tortured soul. I'm the antidote to my shadow's neurosis.
The intoxication wouldn't let up. I was like okay great, I get it - tryptamine based substances break down the veil between me and my shadow and then I have to put up with his ramblings.
I had a deep dive into something I have been slowly realizing over the past couple of months. Psychologists are attracted to the field of psychology because they are the most impacted by mind states and seek to understand why they are the way they are. Psychologists become psychologists because they need someone to talk to. The people most in need of psychotherapy in our culture are therapists. They want to lay their trip on someone else and project their pathology onto the other and try and figure out why they are so fucked up. Take Jordan Peterson for example. He is one of the most brilliant minds on this planet and the lightweights that go up against him are easily dispatched. However, it's clear he has many demons and recent history bears witness to this as his shadow, which gives him this strength of mind, tried to snuff him out. He turned to the psychiatrist's tool box of drugs to try and quell the demon within but in turn he almost died from the addiction. I don't know if he has reconciled with his shadow; however, if he wants to talk I'm here.
I think the musical genius Anilah wrote her music under the influence of psilocybin. The rhythm and vibes are syncing up perfectly with the pull of the shadow. Next up is Nahko. He succumbed to the trappings of power. The rumours, the deviant behaviour, and the hidden rage that follows people around are clues to what they chose when offered power. Hey we are human; let's forgive. Ah Trevor! Love this man. Trevor Hall is a saint. He was offered the power along with fame and fortune and he stayed on my path, not succumbing to the pull.
My dog is my rock. She appeared when I needed some comfort and a connection back to reality, at first knowing to just let me be. The intoxication wore off a bit. Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Turned off the stupid music and laid down. He wants to talk. Oh, for fuck sake. I want to sleep. You ruined my night. I'm done with the tryptamines. What a headache. I got to listen to this nut job go on and on about his sad predicament. Oh, poor me. Whatever. I've told you the way out. I love you. I'm giving you a 50/50 split. You want to sleep on it? He tells me I always complain about this exact scenario where I want to gather my wits about me during these trips and explore so now is the chance. True. I'm in the intoxication, annoyed by it, but I should explore. And explore I did! I think I figured out life. Ha ha. No, seriously.
Power without its opposite is too much. It needs to pulse on and off or it will drive you insane. Power makes you mad. Literally. The amount of power coursing through your veins drives you insane and the outlet is to continually create and destroy. My shadow seeks approval; I guess you could say love. I dispassionately follow all his endeavours and offer peace. I'm the calm one and I can enchant and soothe. He needs me but doesn't want to give up the power. But it's driving him mad. I will give him the keys to the car and share the throne of self but instead we keep playing this possession game.
Overall, the word that comes to me is peace. The mushroom lifts the veil between me and my shadow. We are one, living within this conscious body as provided by the Goddess. The mushroom, for me anyway, allows for a one on one with my shadow without the presence of the Goddess. The Ayahuasca experience retains the connection to the feminine. The confrontation with my shadow is what I asked for and I was ready despite my initial dispassionate response. I wasn't scared; rather, I was annoyed. I wanted to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. He wanted a hug and to be told he is loved and respected as well as forgiven. I get it. He told me he created the whole universe and this world just for attention. He was seeking approval. I told him he doesn't have to do this. I will always love him and there will always be a place at the table for him.
I have physically felt the manifestation of power he is talking about. He explains imagine that feeling 24/7. Holy fuck man, no wonder you rage and are mad. He goes about creating and destroying to try and abate the madness. It's clear I'm the antidote he seeks. I'm unbelievably calm to the point of not caring about life. My voice and demeanour are enchanting and in truth I'm the hypnotist. I calm the tortured soul. That's my magical power. I know that's why I attract people and can charm them with my vibe. They want to exhale and I give them permission to do so.
I get it. My shadow lashes out at me. Calls me names and does things to try and make me feel like shit so I'll seek out his help to get revenge. Nah, just leave me be. Unleash your shit storm. I'll clean it up. Then leave me alone. You never leave me alone! You call mom names as well and lock her up. I'll wait. I'm always here. You create these worlds and I come along and make the best of it. You create these amazing technological wonders to enchant and delight and then frustratingly I find a dog, a piece of forest, and live my quiet life that way while you work out your issues. I'm so unappreciative of your ability to materially manifest anything you choose. But really, I am impressed. It's spectacular but ultimately, I want peace.
I'm intrigued by the magical power of my shadow. It's very amusing and adds spice to life. That's my problem. If left to my own devices, I'll withdraw and go live in a cabin in the woods with my dog; content to live out my life that way. I won't engage. My shadow gives me the juice to seek out my fellow game players and see if I can make a difference. You know, use my power for good. This tendency to withdraw creates the problem where my shadow acts out to get my attention.
I have the elixir that will bring peace to my shadow. I know this; he knows this. The problem is he has to give up power and control or at least temper the current and learn to exist in harmony with all. I asked him how much longer do you want to be driven to the edge of madness with no escape? You've tried suicide. You have tried killing the other. I only return. You have raged at the Goddess. Whatever you do, the result is the same and you exude this power load that continually drives you mad. What you haven't tried is harmony and reconciliation within the heart space. The balance I remind you of every night. This is the reason I acquiesced and used these mind-altering substances in the first place. I went the way into the inner sanctum and all its pitfalls, bullshit, and traps to wake myself up, do the hero's journey, complete the quest, and then be left wondering what is this all about? I eventually saw it. I saw how my polar opposites enable creation through objectification and awareness of the split and my extremes are responsible for all the suffering in the world. The ultimate gambit worked where this process of self-reflection called the universe allows me to look at myself, see my failures, and then use this opportunity to understand self to figure out how I'm going to solve the problem of self. The Goddess gave me the answer. The seven-fold chakra system gave me the answer. The stone idol at Chavín de Huántar gave me the answer. Don Howard gave me the answer. The axis mundi stares me in the face until it's undeniable. The answer is found in balance and reconciliation. To mediate all extremes into the centre. The midpoint. The fourth chakra. The heart. The extremes of the shadow's darkness go to centre while you see the quest of enlightenment is fool's gold. At Chavín, the rivers Mosna and Huachecsa flow into the middle of the valley plain and the lanzon is placed in the centre of centres to continually remind all who understand that the answer to the riddle of the game of life is to find balance within oneself and then reconcile all to centre to be one once again with mom and dad - serpent and jaguar.
I'm so small ha ha. Look at me! You're everything. All of creation is powered by you and the spirit of your life force. I'm just a tiny little fuck but you need me and I need you. I need my shadow and he needs me. Without him, I'll just go to sleep and fade away. Without me, there's no hope for him. Permanent insanity. I have flipped the tables on him. When I started on this journey of discovery, he tried to enslave me. He wanted me to sign my life away to him. He offered me the power and all the glory I wanted. He wanted to capture my balancing power to soothe his troubled mind and calm his tortured soul. I turned him down, went on a journey of discovery, found the answers, and well here we are. Now, I know the game and know what he needs. I'm here to offer love and balance. It's freely offered with no expectations.
My shadow is asking for my help. I know that's why he keeps leading me towards methods of consciousness exploration. It's why he goes out of his way to give me gifts and tries to make me happy. I've witnessed his magic over and over again. I marvel at his power. I need to reciprocate.
Damn it - I so love the insights from the psychedelic journey, especially after I use a day to recover. The first day is a bit of a write-off because I'm exhausted. I tried to write some stuff down the next morning however the following day the revelations started to flow and I was musing, "crap I learned so much I'll probably have to do this again even though at the time of the experience I was like I'm done with this." While I was tripping I was telling my shadow you always find a way to trick me and get me to take some substance that brings me back into direct contact with you. With mushrooms, I was like I'm going to try them because it will be a great experience, and I'll feel this great connection with all and so much love, and then a half hour into it I'm like ah fuck you're back, here with me again, and I have to deal with you and your bullshit. You always figure out a fucking way that entices me into doing something consciousness altering and then you're in my face. It's the same situation if for instance I ever do the toad medicine Bufo, I'll be like oh, I want to try that, I'll get so much enlightenment from it and then as soon as I hit that fucking pipe you'd be fucking there and I'd be like ah fuck leave me alone. It's non-stop. You always figure out a way. Next, you'll get my friends to tell me I should try ketamine, ketamine's the shit man; then I'd try it and I'd be like goddamn it, there you are again.
Well, my immediate reaction to mushrooms after the experience was I don't want to do that again. The chief reason was I'm getting old and I value my bedtime! Fuck that's funny. Seriously, I was like alright leave me alone so I can sleep. When the clock advanced past 5 am I was like ok we're done now. I'm going to sleep. I'll probably do them again at some point. The day after was kind of tough, similar to Ayahuasca where you are just drained. There's always a smaller dose but I don't think that's what I'm after. The trivial isn't enough to get me to do this again. If I intuit a breakthrough in my relationship with my shadow then I'll enter into the intoxication and see what's up.
I kind of feel the same way about Ayahuasca. It's the tryptamine trip that I'm no longer keen on. I'm good with Huachuma; there's no tryptamines with that journey. I can do that. There's ego dissolution and a lifting of the veil but without the hypno-visions.
What about tobacco? It's a connection to the power so there's an outlet for the coursing internal source. I had questions about tobacco. I didn't get clear answers. Well, I got the answer that the power I feel when smoking is the effluence of the Goddess which is him. It's a way to connect. I wanted to know of my future studying tobacco and becoming a tabaquero. There's a strong relationship with power and tobacco. I think the path is to take the power and put it to use in service to heal. I think that's the path forward as I see it.
Okay, so even though I may be painting a picture of my shadow as this fucked up and neurotic needy part of me, in all due respect he is the maestro. He taught me to be a warrior. He gave me the strength I needed to vanquish my enemies plus my fears. These teachings that transformed me were then used reciprocally by my shadow to enact his transformation. He could have rubbed me out and I'm so passive I would have gone to my grave; however, he taught me how to fight and I think ultimately, he wants to change. Having a worthy adversary was the most important thing. That's why he did everything for me and why he wanted me to become a warrior. He needed someone to fight him and lead him to the light. That's what I'm doing.
I love my shadow. I always will and will always hold open the offer of reconciliation when he is ready to transform. You don't have to rage anymore. I got your back. We're brothers. I love you.
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