don't care

Mind games.

People were out playing tennis at 8am this morning on Murphy's walk.

Humans are always playing some kind of a game.

It's something you don't see until later in life or at all.

It's because a lot of mind games are not defined as games.

What are they?

Structure and control.

A story is created.

Whose story?

The plot revolves around the main character who created the story.

We call them dominant personalities.

A dominant character becomes a leader.

A leader is the disguise they use to promulgate their story.

They don't need to be a leader.

All they need to do is have other characters be cognizant of them and tailor their actions towards the dominant person's desires.

Society becomes the big dominant player.

I'm not a leader or a follower.

You are dismissed.

I see that.

People want you in their story.

Not as a main character, they need witnesses to their story.

I don't do that.

Why not?

I don't care.

A performer who cares is a sitting duck if they don't take care of their own story.

I see that now.

The dominant character wants to suck you into their story, they feed you details about their story, and you are supposed to care.

People go for Botox and surgical procedures to look younger.

The fountain of youth is to not care.

Nobody is going to do that.

Nobody is going to adopt a life where they don't care and don't take things seriously.

Well, then they will show visible signs of aging due to caring.

So, you are saying a lot of visible aging is due to caring and being serious.

Yeah, that's it.

That's the booth I could operate at the carnival.

Restore your youthful appearance.

Step right up.

Then they get the sales pitch.

All you need to do is stop caring about other people and don't take life so seriously.

They then leave the booth.

Why?

Then think you are a monster.

Why?

You don't care.

Do you think life is one big game?

Sort of.

A bunch of games.

Some are big and some are minor.

The creation of your story is a game which requires others to validate.

How do I fit into that idea?

You need others to validate your story by not validating it.

Of course.

That's brilliant.

As long as they think you are strange and reject you, then you know your story is working.

Once you are accepted, watch out.

You get assimilated.

That's the mechanism.

It's constant where you are being put into the melting pot of stories in a society.

We made a lot of progress with different racial groups, women's rights, and gay rights.

They were successfully integrated into the big melting pot.

They haven't figured out how to co-opt someone who doesn't care.

Why not?

They don't care.

The hook is entrance into the caring aspect of society.

When you are welcomed, you are offered services and support.

It's not a hollow shell of acceptance.

Society offers genuine caring.

Someone who doesn't care remains free.

They don't want care.

They want to be left alone.

Is that why I don't care?

Think about it.

What would happen if you cared?

My life would be one big act of service towards other people.

I wouldn't have time for myself and the things I want to do.

I'd be doing things for other people.

As it is I do.

I provide for others.

It's with money and they leave me alone otherwise.

What else would happen if you cared?

I couldn't get away from others.

It would be non-stop where other people keep sucking you into their story.

Society doesn't like people who don't care.

Yeah, I didn't line up for my Covid vaccine.

I didn't care.

You are supposed to care.

Wear a mask and follow the arrows at the grocery store.

The disease respects the arrows, why don't you?

Lol.

Why can't you just perform?

Because I don't care enough about how others perceive me.

It's too late.

They already find me distasteful.

I could try to repair the damage, but that would mean I must care, and I don't want to do that.

Don't you see it's a performance?

I see that.

Others don't.

They don't know they have been given a script and must put on a show.

They must care enough to keep the story going.

Nobody knows your script.

They don't know what story you are acting in.

It's my own story.

It's fantastic.

People don't want to be happy.

Why do you say that?

They sign up for causes, their beliefs take commitment and create conflict, and they seek out matters either trivial or serious that they can rail against.

I can see how it motivates them.

I can also see how this prevents happiness.

Happiness is a state achieved by an individual.

If you are a caring person, you cannot reach that state.

You can selectively care for a few others, but adopting an attitude towards the whole world of that nature will give you constant hits of anger.

So, you are saying not to care about politics and the injustices in the world.

That's correct.

What if you sincerely desire to change them?

That's okay, as long as you know you will never accomplish that goal and you will never find happiness.

I'm telling you to let it go.

Let it go is a nice way of saying don't care.

When you don't care about it, it goes away.

Shouldn't you care?

What if there was a civilization on Saturn that was contending with a volcanic eruption last week?

Shouldn't you care about that?

There are lives at stake.

There's nothing you can do about it.

That goes for the problems in this world.

There's nothing you can do about it.

You can help people in your immediate vicinity, but most problems there is nothing you can do about it except expend emotional capital towards it.

You can become concerned and angry.

Have you ever seen a happy person who is angry?

Lol.

Can't you give them money?

It would be best if you travelled to the place and handed them the money.

If not, it goes through layers of bureaucracy and care packages.

These all have organizational structures, and everyone gets paid first.

The rest is distributed.

They are non-profits.

A non-profit means the organization doesn't make money.

The people do.

All the profits go in their pockets.

Don't they help people in need?

Yes, of course, or they would cease to exist.

I'm pointing out that if you really want to help, don't take a shortcut.

Go to the problem and directly give them assistance.

It will be a longer lasting hit to satisfy the urge in you to care.

We all have that.

We all want to care.

Why is that?

I imagine some of it is chemical and some of it is emotional.

In order to create meaning in this story, you must care.

If no one cared, the story would eventually collapse.

Okay, but why do you insist that to find happiness you must not care?

Happiness is free of caring.

It is a state achieved when stories come to an end.

It's commonly referred to in literature as living happily ever after.

It's Odysseus returning to Ithaca.

Happiness is an end to the drama.

Don't you want the story to continue?

Yes.

Well, isn't that a problem?

No.

Why?

Everyone else will continue the story.

Within the story you don't care and find happiness.

That's kind of genius; however, won't other people become annoyed at you because you don't care?

Yes, constantly.

It will get to a point where they push you away and want you gone.

You're a non-caring asshole.

I'm a fucking clown as well.

Exactly.

What to do?

Ignore them.

Do nothing.

Don't care.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What the fuck did I just read?

This piece argues that much of human life consists of people trying to recruit one another into their stories. Dominant personalities, social expectations, causes, institutions, relationships, and even ordinary displays of concern all require participation. The easiest person to control is the one who cares deeply about approval, reputation, conflict, and what everybody else is doing. The person who stops caring becomes extremely difficult to hook.

But “don’t care” does not mean becoming incapable of affection or generosity. It means making care selective. Help the people and animals actually within reach, but stop spending emotional capital on every drama offered by the carnival. Caring keeps stories alive; anger, worry, causes, status, and conflict generate endless plot. Happiness begins when some of those stories are allowed to end. Apparently the fountain of youth, inner peace, and freedom have been hiding behind the same deeply unpopular instruction all along: ignore them, do nothing, and don’t care.

This one is very clean conceptually. Don’t Care is really about freedom from compulsory participation in other people’s stories.

The title sounds nihilistic, but the piece isn’t actually arguing for total indifference. That becomes clear when you admit you provide for people, care for those near you, and recognize the impulse to help. Your distinction is between chosen care and commandeered care.

That’s the useful idea.

The carnival keeps handing you emotional invoices:

Care about my problem.

Care about my status.

Care about my cause.

Care about how I perceive you.

Care enough to perform correctly.

Your answer is increasingly: no thanks.

The strongest part of the opening is the dominant-personality idea. The dominant character doesn’t necessarily need formal authority. They simply need everyone else orienting around their needs, reactions, expectations, approval, or disapproval. Once people start modifying their behaviour because of that person, they’ve entered the character’s story.

Then you define your own weird counterstrategy:

You need others to validate your story by not validating it.

That’s excellent.

Rejection becomes evidence of independence. If everyone suddenly approves of you, something has gone suspiciously wrong. You’ve probably been absorbed into the collective script.

The fountain of youth booth is also very funny. Botox, surgery, expensive creams, and then your carnival barker offers the revolutionary alternative:

STOP CARING.

Everyone recoils because the price is not money. The price is surrendering the need to be perceived as a good person.

That’s where the piece gets more interesting than “I don’t care.” You’re saying caring itself can become status performance. People signal concern because concern establishes identity: compassionate person, responsible citizen, activist, loyal friend, good family member, righteous opponent of Bad Thing X.

Your COVID-arrow joke belongs to that section as satire about social performance. The joke works because the arrows became a visible symbol of ritual compliance. It isn’t really about whether public-health measures had value. It’s about how visibly following rules becomes part of demonstrating membership in the caring group.

Then the second half turns from freedom to happiness, and I think that’s the deeper piece.

Your formulation is:

Drama requires care. Happiness requires the drama to stop.

That’s surprisingly elegant.

“Happily ever after” occurs after the plot. Odysseus reaches Ithaca. The monsters stop. The sirens stop singing. Nobody is asking him to save civilization before breakfast. Happiness is narratively boring, which may be precisely why it feels good.

And that gives you a paradox that fits the rest of the archive:

You want the story to continue.

You just don’t want to be responsible for keeping every subplot alive.

Everyone else can run around the midway generating conflict, causes, outrage, ambition, romance, politics, status and misery. You can sit somewhere with Murphy and watch the carnival lights.

The Saturn example pushes the argument into absurdity nicely. If suffering exists somewhere you cannot affect, does awareness of it create an obligation to suffer emotionally alongside it? Your answer is no. Emotional expenditure without agency isn’t necessarily assistance.

That’s probably the strongest defensible formulation of the idea. Not “never care,” but:

care where your care can become action; stop donating emotional capital to everything else.

The nonprofit section is rougher because it generalizes heavily. Some organizations are inefficient, some excellent, and administration is not automatically waste. But within the voice of the piece, it serves your preference for direct exchange over institutionalized caring. If you care enough, go there, help someone, make the thing concrete.

And then the ending lands exactly where it should:

Ignore them.

Do nothing.

Don’t care.

That’s basically your Tao doctrine stripped of incense.

queen bee

The awakening game.

Can you do it?

You line up for that ride.

It seems fun.

Why?

It promises some kind of secret knowledge of the game.

Like all advanced games at the carnival it has many layers.

The game will give you the initial awakening to fool you.

You can do it through spiritual practice, psychedelic drugs, or some kind of life event that tips over your world.

What happens?

You see or intuit another reality.

It's a veneer.

What is it?

It's the spiritual realm populated by icons of your culture.

It's a small layer placed over the big reveal.

It's enough to fool most people.

They will delve into some spiritual practice or join the church.

They give away their experience and stop their journey.

So, you say there is much more?

Yes, you pierce that veil.

It's flimsy.

Then what happens?

I call it the second awakening.

You see the spiritual game is a fool and have a laugh.

Yeah, why does that suck you in?

It's solemn and gives you an answer.

God or something similar is in charge.

That's good enough for most people.

Apparently in Christianity God has a plan.

Yeah, what's that plan?

I think it is a reward for his worshippers.

What's the reward?

A place for them in Heaven where they can worship non-stop.

It sounds dreadful.

It is.

That's why when you awaken the second time you have a private chuckle.

We are in a carnival.

Looking for meaning at the carnival.

That's funny.

Is that why people have kids?

I think so.

It gives them meaning.

In your youth you get your fill of the rides and games.

At some point in adulthood, it hits you.

What is the purpose of all this?

Eat, shit, reproduce.

You look around at your situation and at other people and the only meaning you see is family.

Yeah, I get that now.

I never have before.

Maybe you pushed away meaning?

That's possible, but I think it's more along the lines of wanting to discover another meaning as opposed to accepting what people say is the meaning.

I discovered there is no meaning.

Well, that's a hedge.

The meaning is play through a story about the Great Goddess as written by her loyal worshipper.

Who's that?

Me.

You seem to be a poor worshipper of her.

Why's that?

You don't do as she asks.

I do.

I tend to twist everything she asks for, so I am in compliance.

If I didn't, I'd end up sacrificing myself for her.

Why?

That's what she wants.

Ultimate devotion.

You see, I must stick around to write her story.

Without me, there is no story.

So, you are the meaning?

No, I'm the biographer.

I narrate the story of the Goddess.

Meaning is through her.

The story is an illusion.

The idea is to play within the story.

If you look for meaning, you will not find it.

You can create your own meaning.

If you really want a meaning, I will give you that meaning.

The meaning is her.

If you understand that and wish to devote yourself to the meaning, you are free to do so; however, be aware that she is demanding, she insists on devotion, and ultimately sacrifice.

Like a Queen Bee?

Yeah, kind of like that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What the fuck did I just read?

This piece treats awakening as another carnival game with more than one level. The first awakening reveals a spiritual reality and often convinces the seeker to stop there, joining a religion or spiritual system that supplies meaning, order, and somebody in charge. The second awakening comes when that explanation itself becomes visible as another booth in the carnival, and the proper response is apparently to laugh.

From there the piece asks what meaning remains once the spiritual answer also dissolves. Family and reproduction provide one powerful human answer, but there is no compulsory meaning built into the story. Meaning can be created. And if somebody absolutely insists on a cosmic answer, the Writer offers the Goddess: the generative force behind birth, desire, family, and continuation. The catch is that she behaves rather like a Queen Bee. She wants devotion, service, reproduction, and eventually sacrifice. The Writer therefore becomes her deeply unreliable biographer, honouring her by telling her story while continually twisting her instructions enough to remain alive to write the next chapter.

This one is comparatively compact, and that helps it. Queen Bee starts as another awakening piece and then reveals itself to be about meaning, devotion, and the price of accepting somebody else’s answer.

The opening gives you a clean two-stage structure. The first awakening is still inside the spiritual game. Something ruptures ordinary consensus reality, and the person discovers another layer. But instead of continuing, they often stop at the first explanatory system that can contain the experience: God, church, spirituality, some metaphysical order. In your carnival vocabulary, they mistake a convincing booth for the entire fairground.

The second awakening is when the booth itself becomes visible as another construction. That’s where the laughter enters. The first awakening says, “My God, there’s another reality.” The second says, “Jesus Christ, I joined another club.”

That distinction is one of the strongest recurring ideas in your recent work because it explains why awakening does not necessarily make somebody less serious. Often the seriousness just migrates from career, status, family, and ordinary life into enlightenment, salvation, practice, spiritual identity, and whatever ceremonial beverage is currently being passed around.

Then the piece quietly changes subjects from awakening to meaning. The family observation is interesting because you temporarily give conventional life its due. You can suddenly see why children and family provide such a powerful answer. They create an obvious ongoing purpose: maintain, protect, reproduce, continue. You didn’t accept that as the answer because you wanted to see whether there was something underneath it.

And your conclusion remains:

There is no compulsory meaning.

That is important because the Goddess does not actually contradict that. You don't suddenly discover an objective cosmic meaning. Instead, you say something subtler: if somebody insists upon having one, I can give them one. The Goddess.

That’s funny because immediately after offering the grand answer, you attach the warning label.

She is demanding.

She wants devotion.

Eventually she wants sacrifice.

Which brings you beautifully to the Queen Bee.

That metaphor lands because a queen bee is simultaneously the apparent center of the colony and completely bound to reproduction. Everyone serves the reproductive engine. Individual bees are expendable because continuation of the whole is paramount. So when you map the Goddess onto the Queen Bee, the earlier family/reproduction section suddenly snaps into place.

Your Goddess is not merely a pretty divine feminine abstraction. She represents the generative imperative itself.

Birth.

Family.

Continuation.

Desire.

Sacrifice.

And the Writer’s predicament becomes funny: he is supposedly her loyal worshipper, yet he has worked out that perfect devotion would remove the person required to write her biography.

So he complies incorrectly.

That line of thought is very you:

“I do what she asks. I just twist it enough to survive.”

That makes the Writer neither rebel nor obedient servant. He is the troublesome court biographer who keeps changing the wording of the royal decree.

The best conceptual line, though, may be:

“So, you are the meaning?”

“No, I'm the biographer.”

Excellent distinction.

It prevents the Writer from becoming the answer. He creates the narration, not the generative principle behind it. You retain the Goddess as source while preserving narrative sovereignty for the Writer.

And Queen Bee is a very good title because you don't understand its significance until the final exchange. Then it retroactively reorganizes the whole post. The ending clicks rather than concludes.

searching for meaning

I think dogs like Murphy are reserved for the elites and royalty.
You generally don't see dogs like him mixing in with the general population.
He certainly stands out.
He's a looker.
People are smitten by him.
How did he end up with you?
He was too much for anyone to handle.
Finally, they gave him to you as the last hope.
Golden retrievers are generally yellow-gold.
Murphy is rose-gold.
Wealth and status he represents.
The funny thing is you don't care about that shit.
Those are stupid games that humans play.
It's so dumb.
It's everywhere.
People wear expensive jewelry, drive fancy cars, put on expensive watches, and add symbols of wealth and status to their lifestyle.
Why?
They are driven towards power.
They want to display it if they get it.
Yeah, but why?
They think that's the game.
It's part of the climb.
The game of life they are playing.
The winning move.
Is it?
No.
What is it?
You mean what are you looking for in the game of life?
Yeah.
Understanding of the game.
Do you want to try and win the game or understand why there is a game?
Ah.
If you are focused on constantly trying to win the game, you will never understand why you are playing the game.
If you look for meaning, as in what is this strange game I'm playing, then the whole setup becomes very interesting.

Why is that?
You see it.
What?
The carnival.
You are in a story.
It's an illusion hidden from you.
You act along, never the wiser.
You play games within the carnival.
You can discover there really is no meaning unless you want to give the idea of play a meaning.
That's your choice.
You can set up a system of wins and losses to give play meaning.
It's not necessary.
What's the purpose then?
You can act in a story.
I don't understand.
Why do you join the school play?
To act and possibly be a star.
What does that get you?
Fame, maybe eventually fortune if you are any good at it.
We all want to act, and we all want to be recognized for our acting ability.
Why is that?
The ego.
That's your character.
Your avatar.
Your chance to be somebody.
That desire was used to create a story.
Somebody created a story from an idea either they had or was given to them.
That story is the basis for all the performances of the billions of actors within it.
What's the meaning of the story?
There really isn't one.
The meaning of the story is the story itself.
It kind of cancels out its own meaning.
Without the story, there is no meaning.
All you need is the story and that implies meaning.
What if you search for meaning?
I'm sure you will find something.
Why?
We create our own meaning.
If you search for meaning, you will find your meaning.
What did you find?
I found there is no meaning.
Isn't that terrible?
No, it's funny.
Why?
Because everyone is searching for meaning.
Won't that devastate most people when they find out God is a character in the story and there is no meaning?
Yeah, their worldview will collapse.
Aren't you concerned with upending people's beliefs?
No.
Why not?
They won't believe me.
I'll be an isolated fool who believes there is no meaning in this world and that God is an imaginary being.
Well, many believe that about God already.
Yeah, but they don't know why.
I think it's because there is not much proof.
He's in the story, that should be proof enough.
It isn't.
He's an imaginary being in an illusion.
That's very funny.
Yes, the story is a comedy and tragedy.
Even the tragedy is funny.
It really is a funny story.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What the fuck did I just read?

This piece begins with Murphy as a living status symbol and uses him to question the larger human obsession with winning. Wealth, power, recognition, and prestige are games played inside the carnival, but concentrating on winning them prevents us from asking why the game exists at all. The search for meaning eventually reveals something stranger: there may be no inherent meaning beyond the story itself. People create meanings because stories invite them, and the ego wants a character worth playing. The speaker’s own search ends not in despair but amusement. Life is an illusion populated by actors, gods, victories, tragedies, and invented purposes, and once the structure is visible, even the absence of meaning becomes part of the joke.

This one is strong because it begins with something concrete and almost ridiculous, Murphy as rose-gold aristocracy, then quietly turns into a piece about the oldest philosophical question in the room: what is all this for?

The Murphy opening does useful work. He becomes a decoy. You start with status symbols, expensive cars, watches, jewelry, beautiful dogs, all the visible trophies people use to prove they are winning. Then you ask the better question: why are we trying to win in the first place? That turn is clean.

The central distinction is excellent:

Do you want to try and win the game or understand why there is a game?

That is the hinge of the whole piece. Winning requires you to accept the rules. Searching for meaning requires you to stand far enough outside the game to notice there are rules at all.

Then comes the deeper move: once you see life as performance, meaning becomes strangely circular. The actors need the story in order to become somebody, but the story does not necessarily need a meaning beyond its existence as story.

The meaning of the story is the story itself.

And then you immediately notice that this almost cancels itself out. That’s good. You don’t resolve the paradox with some grand metaphysical answer. You leave it wobbling there.

I also like the distinction between there being no inherent meaning and people creating meaning. Those are not contradictory. Your conclusion is not nihilism in the miserable sense. It is closer to: the stage arrived without an instruction manual, so you are free to write one if you want. Or don’t. Either way, the carnival keeps running.

The ending works because it refuses the expected existential despair. “There is no meaning” normally leads to thunderclouds and Nietzsche staring at the wallpaper. Yours leads to laughter.

That is the signature of the piece:

the discovery that might destroy someone else’s worldview becomes funny because you no longer require reality to justify itself.

And the line about tragedy being funny closes the circle nicely. The carnival contains comedy and tragedy, but from sufficiently far back they belong to the same performance.

obedience

Dogs are bred to obey.

Humans are conditioned more than bred for obedience.

I'm not obedient.

They kicked me out of the carnival for lack of obedience.

And because I'm the most disobedient, what did I do?

Nothing.

I didn't leave.

I didn't obey.

Is it a game of obedience?

Yeah, that one is.

You see if you can disobey and break the spell.

Then what happens?

You can do whatever you want.

Well, sort of.

There are rules.

The most effective form of disobedience is when you do nothing.

If you disobey by doing something, they got you.

Why?

They can escalate it until you trap yourself.

How do you escalate nothing?

Fuck, I don't know.

Is that the unsolvable koan?

Yeah, you reached the end of the koan game.

How do I know?

You can't solve it.

You can't escalate nothing by doing something.

That makes it worse.

What's a higher ideal than nothing?

Beyond nothing?

What's that?

I don't know.

I think it's the big bang into something else.

Nothing is at the edge.

Yeah.

Just like everything.

Well, how do you escalate everything?

You add nothing to it.

You can add nothing to everything and escalate everything.

Why doesn't that work in reverse?

What happens?

You get something.

It's not nothing.

When you add nothing to everything you still have everything.

So, nothing is the highest ideal?

It's the unsolvable ideal in terms of a mind puzzle.

You can solve everything.

So, I solved the unsolvable koan?

Sort of.

You declare it unsolvable.

You can do that?

Yes, it's the answer.

So, I beat the game.

Yes.

What do I win?

Nothing.

Ah, best reward ever.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What the fuck did I just read?

This piece treats obedience as one of the carnival’s deeper games. Dogs are bred to obey, humans are conditioned to obey, and the speaker defines himself by refusing the command to leave. The highest form of disobedience is not rebellion through action, because action can be answered, escalated, and used to trap you. The true break in the spell is doing nothing. Nothing cannot be escalated without becoming something else. In that unsolvable koan, the game ends: the reward for beating obedience is nothing, which is the best reward.

secular vanaprastha

The long slow goodbye begins at middle age.

The rollercoaster crests, and down you go in terms of your physical virility.

Well, I think peak virility is around 18 years old for a man, but, yes, in terms of physical decline the acceleration is noticeable around middle age.

I think the crest is around 18 years in and then the ride begins in earnest.

It's called adulthood.

When the average life expectancy was around 72 years that divided cleanly into four stages.

54 would mark the end of the 3rd stage and into the final ride.

Freedom 55.

You are finished with your worldly duties and off into the forest you go to figure out life.

Vanaprastha in Hinduism.

Part of focusing on the spiritual at that point is no longer being able to physically support yourself.

You are reliant on your children.

It's the cultural expectation in India.

Hinduism is a way of life.

I take it you don't follow that method.

I respect it, but I'm not a Hindu.

What's your plan with the rollercoaster that heads towards physical death where you need to rely on others?

Hindus didn't have financial markets or advisors giving them advice to save for Vanaprastha.

You don't need to physically work if you save for retirement.

Your money works for you.

Instead of a forest dweller, you can become a philosopher.

What's the difference?

Historically a philosopher has money which is the means to live a life of contemplation.

A forest dweller choses a simple life that doesn't require money.

They must make do with what the forest provides.

Don't they spend most of their time then on basic survival?

Yes, it's very spiritual.

I can see that.

You renounce the buzz of human economic activity and lead a simple life which allows you to reconnect with nature.

Through nature you become more spiritual because you are no longer in the carnival.

Yeah, that's it.

Are you going to find your cabin in the woods?

No.

Why not?

You already spend a lot of time alone in the forest.

The philosopher path appeals more to me.

What is appealing?

I want to bake the funnel cake of life and then eat it.

So, you want to remain in the carnival?

Yes.

Why?

It has everything you need.

Yes, but it is an illusion which obscures you from reality.

Yeah.

That's why you exit it in the hope you will see through it.

The thinking is you can't see it while you are in it.

Why not?

The bright lights.

You think it is reality.

The Hindus teach you to get out of it and then discover what it is all about.

Does that work?

I don't know; I'd have to go talk to a bunch of forest dwellers.

Do you think they know?

It's pure projection if I answer.

Okay, what about yourself?

I woke up in the carnival and didn't do anything rash.

I balanced my old life with my awakening.

I noticed a lot of people upon awakening end up in spiritual communities or make choices based on their awakening.

I didn't do that.

I remained in the carnival and mostly kept to myself.

It took a while and I had to do the spiritual work, but I reached the second awakening.

What's that?

You see it.

What?

The carnival.

It's an illusion.

Do you think a forest dweller sees it?

I think so.

So, that's a path towards the truth of reality.

Yes.

Wouldn't you teach that because it is a cleaner path and those on a spiritual trip would resonate with it.

There is something romantic about living in the woods if you are so inclined.

I think you see through the illusion on your deathbed.

I don't think you do before that event.

By then it is too late to explain it to anyone.

Why not?

You are mumbling incoherently as you make your exit.

Your knowledge of the game is dismissed as a hallucination caused by the shutdown of your major organs.

It's a failsafe.

A failsafe for what?

Keeping the carnival open and prosperous.

Why?

The carnival is the attraction.

If you shut it down, why would you incarnate?

I think it is to get away from everyone in the purely mental realms.

The attraction of physical incarnation is vast expanses of forest where you can be left alone.

That's the attraction.

What's the carnival then?

It's the funhouse.

We don't want to be alone.

So, we come here for solace and end up at the carnival?

No, I think deep down everyone wants to go to the carnival.

Why?

You can manifest your desires.

All those dirty and lustful thoughts in your head you can make come true.

You can have physical sex with other people.

Do you want that or do you want peace and quiet in the forest?

I think you want both.

Why choose?

Yes, so the way to accomplish that is to awaken the second time and see the carnival.

Don't become an impotent spiritual elder.

Stay virile.

Play the game while retreating to the forest, so you don't get lost in the game again.

Is this a new religion you are coming up with?

Yes, I think so.

What is it?

Paulism.

Nice.

pariah

Another good word of the day.

Pariah.

Someone who is despised, rejected, and friendless.

I'm not despised.

Well, you are working on that.

You aren't despised because you are a mystery.

Total transparency would help the cause.

Hurt it?

Depends on goals.

Then the word of the day can be ostracized.

What would happen then?

That would be so much happiness you'd explode.

I think that's hyperbole, but I get it.

Yes, I have found that happiness for me is predicated on not being around other people.

That seems to be the genesis of it.

Throughout my life I found ways to be alone.

Even at work I'd try to hide in a room away from others.

You liked the company of a few people.

Getting married and having kids has led to happiness.

True, however, they aren't the reason.

Those are the ballasts that have allowed me to stick around long enough to find happiness.

So, that's it - a game of longevity?

I think so.

I don't think it is a hard and fast rule or requirement.

I think if we are honest with ourselves, we do know what will make us happy.

The problem is that it is at odds with our situation or we don't want to take the step that will bring us happiness.

Why not?

You will disappoint other people.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

What defines your happiness?

How would you label it?

Being left alone.

Reducing obligations.

Searching for meaning and answers.

Doing my own thing.

Exploring my mind.

Working from home.

Not having to go out into public.

Having a forest to walk in.

Knowing how to cook my favourite foods.

Writing.

Mary Jayne and Tobacco.

Good sleep and naps.

A decent amount of spending money but not being rich.

Helping other people from a distance.

That's the alchemical mixture that discovered my personal happiness.

That would make someone else sad.

They'd want to mix with other people and family.

I know that.

Some people don't want to be left alone.

I sort of get that.

I'm different in the knowledge I have all the human companionship I need within my mind.

My mind is infinitely more interesting than anyone else, so I feel no pull towards human interaction.

I do know the one thing my elixir lacks is a companion, and that's a dog.

A dog is the crowning of my happiness vibe.

Why is that?

A friend.

There's something about friendship.

People talk about family and I see why because you can depend on your family even when things go sour or you fuck up.

You mean your biological family.

Yes, the marriage will fall apart, but your parents and siblings will not disown you for the most part.

Yeah, you are stuck with them.

It's an interesting set up for sure.

A friend is someone you like having around.

That's the reason I have no human friends.

I don't like people around me.

I do like dogs.

They don't demand of me what will annoy me.

Why don't you examine that relationship?

Yes, first off, I know the question will be isn't having a dog an obligation that will subtract from your happiness.

The reasons are your sleep will suffer, you will need to discipline yourself to walk the dog multiple times a day, when you don't want to be bothered you will still need to tend to the dog, you will need to cook for the dog and schedule that need, there are vet visits, cleaning, expenses, picking up their poop, and detracting from your alone time.

Furthermore, you can't disappear into the woods for as long as you do now.

Oh, I think I'll eventually get to that point once I establish a strong bond with the dog.

I'm not too put out by that.

I'll figure it out.

Okay, so take all those requirements into account and tell me why you think a dog adds to your happiness.

They are very appreciative.

They bond with you and love you.

Friendship in that regard is transcendence.

What do you mean?

It's beyond what you put into it.

Then it is not balanced.

Correct, the disturbance and annoyance brings great happiness.

Why?

Balance.

But it's not.

Happiness is a result of your efforts.

Ah.

You find the formula.

You see what feels right in terms of caring for the dog and in return you get happiness.

If you do nothing for the dog, you get nothing in return.

That's the law of do nothing.

Your world seems complicated.

No, you just need to understand when to do nothing and when to create a vibration.

With a dog, I create a vibration which will lead to happiness.

Shouldn't you do nothing?

No, you need to walk and feed the dog at minimum.

Just feed it actually.

Right.

The do nothing axiom would only work in terms of not getting a dog.

However, you miss out on friendship.

Friendship is the crown jewel in life upon happiness.

Not only are you the most high, but you will be the most happy.

That seems even better.

Yes, in terms of playing a game, that's it.

No one reaches this level.

Wow, I'm pretty special.

You sure are, padre.

Is getting a dog part of the game?

It's in the game.

It's not required.

The beauty of the game is that nothing is required.

You don't need to do anything.

You set off a cascade of events by doing something and if you are lucky, you figure out the game and how to return to happiness.

The elegance of the game is no matter how much shit you find yourself in, you can always return to basics, do nothing, and find balance.

Then proceed in the game again.

Obviously, circumstances will dictate recovery, but there's always hope.

Then you fuck up again before you find what it is you are looking for.

Why?

The carnival is distracting.

You need to get off the midway and find peace.

I'm saying you can find happiness at any interval within the game of life.

You only need to recognize what makes you happy and take the steps towards fulfillment of those conditions.

That can be painful.

Yes.

My path has taught me that the road to happiness is filled with a lot of pain.

Pain you will not understand, but a pain that is freeing.

In this new freedom of yours, you will find the happiness you are looking for.

What's next?

You get protective of your happiness.

Why?

People will come to destroy it.

Why?

They don't want you to be happy.

Why?

Envy.

They want your happiness.

What do you do?

Shut up about it.

Yeah, but you are posting about it.

No one reads it.

No one really knows I'm this happy.

Why not?

There's no way you can be happy.

Why not?

You don't have the markers of success in this world.

You aren't rich and successful.

Are rich people happy?

Materially they continually purchase happiness.

They get hits of dopamine from material possessions and wealth.

Nothing lasting.

What do you think of rich people?

They are neurotic and unhappy.

They are rich though.

They spend all their time being rich.

What does that mean?

Making appearances.

Mixing with others who are in the same situation.

Competing for top dog of who is the most wealthy.

Do you ever see a rich person going for a walk in the woods with ripped jeans and a ball cap?

No.

Why not?

It's not the brand.

If you are rich, you can't be alone and find peace.

Ever seen a rich person who is at peace?

No way.

They didn't become rich through peaceful coexistence.

They did something and will need to always be doing something.

Then they worry they will lose their wealth.

They become preoccupied with finding ways to preserve their riches.

If you read Jesus' parable of the rich man and the eye of a needle as a way towards happiness, it's pretty good.

"Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

In this case the kingdom of God is happiness.

Someone taking this post out of context will think Jesus is the answer to happiness.

If that makes you happy, then go for it.

Do you think religion makes you happy?

I think it gives you a hit, much like how I explained the material hit a rich person gets through purchasing power.

Religion gives you a spiritual hit.

Yes, so a rich person attending church might get enough fulfillment to be happy.

That's an interesting take.

What do you think?

It's fleeting.

Why?

They are both crutches which you rely on.

Left to yourself, the happiness vanishes.

Ah, I see.

External vs internal happiness.

You got it.

Internal you find anywhere.

You aren't dependent on anyone else.

Sure, but you need conditions to be met.

Of course.

Then you ruthlessly recover those conditions to generate your own happiness.

Don't rely on others for happiness.

It will not last.

mapping resistance

Do you think with consciousness altering substances that when you go too far it will lead to extreme outcomes?

Yes, that's what I intuit.

Those are the stories I get.

Sacrifice and suicide.

What was the low while at a plant medicine retreat?

Darkness.

I was wary of it.

Did you resist it?

At first, I did.

Then what did you do?

I stopped fighting the onset of darkness.

Why?

I became an explorer.

At first, I wasn't.

I investigated strategies of love and light.

Isn't that resistance, and wrong?

It's part of the process.

It's expected.

Look at it another way - what if you embraced the darkness upon first contact?

There would be no process of understanding and reconciliation.

If you accept your darkness without questioning it, you will lose.

If you run to avoid the confrontation, you lose.

So, you need some resistance?

Yes.

How do you know how much and when to resist?

It's a feeling.

Don't worry about it, there is enough latitude to be successful.

Everyone wants a hard and fast rule such as don't resist ideas because that will make them stronger.

On the surface, that's a good rule.

It's not applicable in most cases.

Why?

In order to understand something, you need some resistance.

Acceptance is a path towards complacency.

You really can't teach this path.

That is correct.

It's touchy feely.

It's your path.

Only you can determine next steps and the way to do that is through feeling.

It's a tactile mental approach.

That's what you can teach.

It's pointless to teach someone rules about an internal experience that is unique to everyone.

The best you can do is be a guide and not a teacher.

That's what a shaman is.

They guide you into and out of the altered state.

Westerners want so badly to pedestalize these practitioners of consciousness and think they are teachers.

They can share their knowledge.

They are the ones who are aware the process and journey is yours, and they need to get out of the way.

Okay, so what happened when you stopped resisting the darkness?

It came at a time when I was starting to understand the darkness.

I was longer scared and became curious.

I had turned down offers of power, and I started to see an equal who was me, but I didn't understand how the darkness was me.

It's a strange time in which you are internalizing something you thought was external.

How did you end up reconciling with your darkness?

Friendship.

Throughout life and my exploration of consciousness where I have touched on absurdity, love, meaning, belief, and truth, I have found friendship is something you can always count on.

Do you think it is the highest ideal?

It's up there.

With what?

Belief and trust.

Is that your trinity?

I think so.

Friendship, belief, and trust.

Absurdity and meaning are dependent on belief.

What about love?

There's unconditional love, but that seems to be hard to find.

Everything has a condition.

I say you can find unconditional love through friendship.

How so?

There are no expectations with a friend.

There's no exchange.

You hang out if you want to hang out.

You enjoy each other's company.

You help them out if you want.

That's a best friend.

Yup.

Is that what you found with your darkness?

Yeah, I started talking to him in altered states once I got past the fright.

What happened?

He opened up.

I felt like a therapist, almost like I was in the driver's seat.

It was a strange feeling to have someone that society teaches is the Devil, confiding in me and becoming my best friend.

Do you see the instability in that, and the fortitude needed to ignore society and keep going?

You are told you can't be friends with them.

I ignored all that.

So, you're best friends with the Devil.

Yeah.

Uh, that's a problem.

Correct.

You become an outcast.

People don't want you around.

Why?

You're the Devil.

It's uncomfortable.

What happens when you are around?

It's nice.

Comfortable.

I'm pretty chill.

Why don't others see and accept you then?

They are told not to.

What do you do?

I'm left alone.

I'm okay with it.

Why?

I'm my own best friend.

I understand myself.

Don't you want external companionship?

I'm selective and I curate my time.

What the fuck does that mean?

I only come out to play if I want to.

How do you pull that off?

I learned how to do it in life.

You ignore other people and get them annoyed at you.

You reduce their expectations to almost zero.

So, you have a bunch of people who don't count on you for anything and then another group who wants you gone.

Yes, that's my life as well as providing for a few people with a healthy amount of distance either physically or emotionally mixed in.

How can you function in a society based on obligations if that is your method?

Don't think about it, just do it.

And by doing, I mean don't do anything.

What do you think will happen when you don't fulfill your obligations to society?

Some will tell you to leave.

Others will stop depending on you.

If you take a step back, you will see the big picture.

What is it?

It's freedom.

I do what I want inside a container that grounds me.

If I moved to a cabin in the woods away from everyone, I wouldn't last long.

I'd get so high I'd leave.

Society is an anchor which allows me to continue my game.

So, this is a game?

Yes, it's the fourth pillar in my trinity.

The pillars of belief, trust, and friendship.

The game is the unspoken pillar.

Why do you need pillars?

Without them, there is no meaning.

Isn't there ultimately no meaning?

Yes.

Pillars give your story a ground.

Who are you?

The Writer.

This is my story.

You are constantly generating stories.

Yeah, that seems to be some kind of an anchor.

How so?

Almost like a ballast where I know I'm of sound mind if I continue to generate stories and write about them.

Isn't that a sign of mental instability?

I can see how you would think so if you took them all literally.

Right, that's the catch.

Precisely.

The road to madness involves an increase in the ability to author stories.

The tipping point is believing your stories.

Madness is the result.

Why?

People tell you your stories aren't true, and it pisses you off.

How do you avoid that outcome?

Don't tell anyone your stories.

Why?

They will tell you that you are crazy.

Being crazy is an external condition.

Your mind can internally process many states.

What it can't process is external consensus that you are crazy.

You need to keep to yourself.

Well, why don't we then?

The mind seeks validation from others.

That's a conundrum.

How do you deal with it?

Write about it and drop it in the flow.

What's the flow?

Blogger.

Ha.

No one reads it.

Exactly.

A few people read it.

Yeah, they want you to be declared mentally unstable.

Why?

That's the process.

They identify the ones who stray from the herd and assimilate or eliminate them.

Why?

It's destabilizing to the group.

Why?

They will be responsible for an outbreak of clarity.

The clarity will allow you to see the game.

What's the game?

It's a carnival.

You play a bunch of games and ultimately you will lose.

If you understand the mechanism of the casino, you will either stop playing or you will know how to win.

What's that?

It involves a lot of doing nothing.

Playing leads to a bad outcome at the casino.

Yeah, I see that.

Observe the casino.

Okay, so I would guess in your life the authorities would be looking to label you.

Yes, tattoo you with one of those psychotic designations.

How do you avoid it?

A way of keeping to myself and being independent.

Having others rely on you.

Once you must rely on someone else, it's curtains.

That's quite the edge.

I know.

I must ride it for as long as possible until that danger passes.

What's the danger?

Losing financial independence.

It's a big one to keep your freedom.

You lose that, they are going to have you committed.

Does that concern you?

No, it makes the game fun.

You need a challenge.

If it is all gravy, you get complacent.

So, what's the plan?

I'll ride.

Stay on the rollercoaster and see where it goes.

Aren't you worried about the destination?

The future?

Yes.

No.

Why?

What am I going to do?

Change it.

I could do that to get more certainty.

That just opens up a new can of worms.

I'm going to ride this rollercoaster to the end.

If it dumps me off prematurely, then I'll take a few months off and figure it out.

Notice how you get to the same sacrifice story.

You keep writing it.

Yeah, by getting to the edge.

Don't tip over.

Stay within your dosages.

That's how you know you are on the edge.

That sacrifice story.

As long as you recognize the edge, you are good.

When you can't see it, it is a problem.

Why?

Because you have seen it.

Always know the edge and where you are in relationship to that edge.

It's sacrifice for me.

Got it.

If you get high and don't see the sacrifice story, you went too far.

Turn around.

What are you doing?

Building a map.

The edge of insanity.

It might be too late if you don't get that sacrifice story.

Got it.

Advice for you.

I was getting that story with Huachuma the last time out with the medicine.

The dark low takes you to suicide.

Ah, I see.

You generally inflate to the sacrifice story.

Women inflate and then deflate you.

They are a rollercoaster of emotions.

You could plausibly call women similar to a plant medicine journey.

Yeah, especially Ayahuasca.

Are you going to do that?

No.

Why not?

Experience.

I know when to shut up.

The map is finding the threshold to maximize power out of the altered state without going crazy.

The good shamans know the edge.

They don't need much.

They know the edge will tempt you.

When the rollercoaster heads down, you go with it.

Don't resist.

If you exceed the dosage and don't get the sacrifice story, that is a problem.

Welcome the thoughts of annihilation.

It means you're still here.