Wednesday, December 30, 2015

let go my ego

I view our existence, our place in it, and our perception of being separate due to not being able to see the big picture as being an incredible teaching tool that is designed to lead you on a path of self discovery and remembrance. I envision multiple incarnations as akin to being hit over the head with a hammer in wonderment of how much suffering you can endure until finally you will wake up to the realization and remembering of who you are and through this self discovery will find the light within and its connection to the light of the world and universe. We are assaulted by the darkness over and over again but we use this to gain knowledge and wisdom. The flame burns within all of us though for some it is but a faint flicker; a burning lost within this carnival of madness.

Looking back at things now this has really been eight years to get to this point. The whole exercise was in essence a preparation of the mind in order for it to accept this truth. If this had been sprung upon me at any other point in the path I would have not comprehended it or dismissed it. I stand guilty of exalting my mind. It is pretty strong and kind of remarkable at times. At first I was wary of meditation because I thought why would I want to shut off my mind? My mind is my go to; it is always there for me. I'm never bored or not at ease when I'm alone because there is no need to be when you have the mind I have. Instead you want and crave to be alone.

I had discovered a couple years ago how powerful my mind really is. I had some addictions and not so great accumulations from the business of life. I was taught by a Goddess who I met during a psychedelic experience how to control my thoughts. I used these teachings to shed my problem behaviour and the aberrant thoughts that controlled me as well as learning the importance of meditation to still the mind. In stilling the mind I discovered it was possible to connect to what is called your higher self. That moniker isn't the best name for this concept but more people will know what I mean when I say higher self. Higher self is your connection to the One. Living in a world of duality in which we can only perceive and classify by comparing, it's not easy to perceive this oneness, unity, whatever, because it has no comparison. It's the connection to the sphere of the divine. But either I'm crazy or I have to accept it is there. I don't think I'm crazy.

The creation of the universe and its evolution over many aeons is a product of the original separation of the one. Our physical world could not exist without this separation. But we also have to remember that creation is a result of the coming together of the dualistic, female and the male, in an ecstatic sexual embrace to form this unity we talk about. The subsequent physical separation after the embrace inaugurates creation and empowers us all to become co-creators, creation proceeding first through unity and then separation, the separation enacted by the addition of time into the mix; time being in essence the catalyst of what we call the big bang.

Around a couple months ago I wanted to see if I could silence the ego that I had come to define. It's that thing/voice in your head that is always whispering to you, comparing, criticizing, gossiping, amplifying those negative feelings or building you up in comparison to your peers, and also causing you to do things that you want to stop doing. It's what has become basically you over the course of your life.

The brilliance and popularity of Facebook is due to the ego. Facebook takes advantage of our yo-yo ego selves as we latch on to this tool, and other instances of social media, in order to build an identity, convey status, get others to "look at me", and then exalt in approval and likes or despair as you are summarily ignored and marginalized. It's as if we have all entered into a big online high school!

Ego is a virus of some sort that infects you when you are young. You start attaching things to your name and you build this artificial construct of who you are. It's pretty flimsy but it works because there is some truth to it and the rest of the acquired persona and traits that you want to represent you are maintained. Maintaining that appearance can cause much neuroses. It's a clever fraud though.

It's instructive to look at a corporation as an ego in order to get a handle on what is going on here. The modern corporation usually has some kind of bullshit mission statement establishing its motives for existing and from this it starts to build a 'brand' which is corporate speak for a personality. Greed lies at the heart of all corporations so it cleverly tries to mask this through community outreach and charity which puts a nice face on the sick colossus. The profitability and health of the company affects the mood of the employees and this affects whether the culture within the office is sick and toxic or casual and fun. Team building exercises are employed to brainwash the staff into putting in the extra effort for the corporation. These types of maneuvers work on most employees as they are carefully thought out psychological strategies that have been observed in the formation of ego in the human psyche. The ones that don't get with the program or fail at feigning enthusiasm are weeded out.

I couldn't do it; I couldn't shut the ego mind up because it filtered everything. The moment I would use a mantra to stop its behaviour it would pop up again regarding something else. It was attached to my mind and I felt defeated because I thought I was strong enough mentally to start shedding it. I went looking for answers why this is. I guess most advice was to be mindful of it and it was needed in order to function in the world. There were a few mentions of this movie called "Revolver" that was about the ego.

The movie was consensually rated as 'terrible' by critics (no wonder, as a critic embodies the ego in physical form). I bought the movie and sat down to watch it. As the movie started, this uneasy feeling came over me and did not leave me the whole time I was watching this psychological masterpiece. I have since watched it at least a half dozen times.

There's a mental parasite in all of us. I call it the puppeteer and it uses the construct of ego to control us.

-an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.

The world is a creation of this puppeteer and all the pain, violence, and suffering is the making of the ego that is subservient to him. We step out of line or do not fulfill expectations we get a shot of anxiety or depression. We do good and we get rewards, sometimes material or a strong feeling of illusory success. It's fleeting and we are on the look out for the next hit; the next hit of approval. Ego is the driving force behind the world of illusion - maya - referred to in eastern spiritual circles. We will do anything to protect these carefully crafted and fragile egos. The artificer behind the ego is a dark entity and feeds off of negativity - negative energy to be more precise. This puppeteer uses addictions to control you and your thoughts. Once ensnared you can be used and abused by this entity. It revels in its power that it has gained over you because at this point you have no idea who you are and the power you ultimately possess. In extreme cases it manifests as demonic possession.

The god of confusion has successfully obfuscated his presence in the depths of Babylon. Babylon is Confusion. The new old name of our present situation on earth is Babylon. The new name of my psyche is Confusion.

I've come across this entity though at the time I didn't realize what it was.

A true secret society is a sophisticated entity. That lesson is not to be forgotten. You can't find it because it operates within an open secret society that is created as cover for the prying eyes of the conspiratorial crowd. This entity uses the same tactics. It's a con that takes advantage of your fatal flaw - you're a smart guy and you think you can outsmart your opponent, so it keeps feeding you information that leads you down the primrose path. Gotcha!

The enemy within plays with the same spirit of deception used by the ultimate secret society. I can identify an ego and then struggle with trying to subdue this phantom. But that's not the real enemy is it? Hidden within the ego is another entity. This controlling parasite knows its opponent better than the opponent knows itself because it has executed the program called 'ego' which masquerades as an element of the self and the self then thinks ego is a part of them. Upon self reflection, we identify the ego and its machinations but we go no further. We identify what we think is the culprit, wave a white flag of acceptance at it, and then busy ourself with the trivial.

It was the second time I drank Ayahuasca and I felt myself pulled into a subterranean world that was very hypnotic and then appearing before me face to face sitting in the lotus position was this ethereal sleepy being that was male. He had dark hair and a thin moustache. When he started saying my name and I heard it out loud it sent me over the edge. The next time I drank Ayahuasca he was back but this time only speaking to me telepathically. He threatened to have me commit suicide if I did not stay on the path I was on, that path being very destructive. He encouraged me to continue doing things I thought were not healthy and these behaviours I had wished to get rid of. He then went on a misogynistic, money hungry, and bizarre rant. Finally he convinced me to go home and stop drinking this psychedelic brew. In retrospect I fully realize what it was now that I had confronted though at the time it just scared the crap out of me. I later encountered this voice again after I had decided to go back to Peru to confront my fears; this entity being a big part of my fear. As I was waking up one morning this entity threatened to kill me; in fact the voice clearly said "I am going to kill you on Monday." When I returned to Peru and drank Ayahuasca again he immediately came upon me and threatened me the whole night. Finally he said I wasn't leaving Peru alive and he was going to kill me. I said kill me if you must but I'm not listening to you anymore. I did not encounter him anymore after that but instead he went to work on the ego. I struggled the rest of the trip with the ego mind as I could only stay within my higher self for short periods of time before my ego mind would take over and confuse things. I became fully aware of this problem after coming home and rationally examining the experience. I intend to fully rectify the situation and as part of that I know I have to get a handle on the ego, hence my struggles with it lately.

I woke up in the early morning of December 23rd with my higher self telling me it's Paul that you are looking for in terms of locating this ego. I understood Paul as being the ego construct that has been fraudulently created. My parents gave me that name and then stuff got attached to it. I realized that is why the puppeteer addressed me by that name because he was speaking directly to this artificial construct. I went to work that morning with all this fresh on my mind. In a moment of synchronistic and curious happenstance, I went into the bathroom and playing on the radio was the song 'Symphony for the Devil' by the Rolling Stones. The lyrics as such are "Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste. I've been around for a long, long year stole many a man's soul and faith..." Now this kind of stuff has been happening to me a lot recently so I tend to take notice. Okay it's clear this puppeteer who controls us via the ego is what the western mind considers the Devil. Got it. Check.

This parasite embedded within my mind I can't define, control, or shed. It makes all of us fertile ground for its offspring - greed, lust, envy, gluttony, narcissism... This parasite doesn't understand art, poetry, and symbolism, but he's your best friend! The genius of this worm lies in its devious sorcery and its spell has you convinced it is you. Ego is the virus we all carry as a result of this parasite. Detach from its control and then strike the root. You can win the battle by outsmarting it. Use your wits and your cunning to shake it loose. Plant your own Trojan Horse within and then spring the trap. Use the weapons of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear upon your opponent. He can also dish this out, but can he take it? Start starving it so that desperation creeps in, then puff that sucker up and strike when it is exposed.

The next day, December 24th I'm off work and in the woods walking my dog. I take to heart my own advice about using the same tricks used on you right back at the ego and his puppeteer friend. I started screaming out loud bloody murder at the ego. I threatened to lay waste to him in a few months and told him the time is coming near when I am going to destroy you. I will surface you and then cut your fucking head off! Then for the first time in my life my mind went silent for a long time. Nothing. No thoughts creeping in. I had this inner peace for a good half hour. It was very surreal; it was nice. So that's what peace is.

With the ego I recognize it filters everything I do; I need to stop that and I think I can by being consciously aware of my thoughts and actions at all times and redirect them to the heart space until it becomes second nature.

Ultimately my higher self played the most masterful con and tricked my ego filtered mind into figuring this out. It's taken this long. My mind prides itself on being able to figure out anything if given enough time. So it was fed piece after piece and it in turn did all the work. Then in one quick fell swoop it was revealed to me who the enemy is. Like the analogy of chess used in the movie Revolver, my ego mind did all the hard work, it was fed pieces to keep going, and thought it was figuring out the game of life until it was checkmated. It was obsessed with trying to do this because it was such a challenge. Challenge accepted! Oh shit the ego just ratted itself out. This was pure genius on the part of the higher self as it knew I would be obsessed by the challenge and that I would finger an alien part of myself that had taken control as the ultimate culprit in this game. The enemy is within and it manifests collectively without. The madness of the world is a byproduct of allowing our minds to be controlled by the parasite.

The ego mind filter sustains the illusion we are separate. I can envision acknowledging a disconnection from wholeness with the understanding I am part of universal consciousness. The ego mind says no that is not so, you are unique and we have no common origin except our biological underpinnings.

The puppeteer, like the higher self, sees all and it is very good at co-opting whatever new identity you make for yourself. For instance make a new persona for yourself as a spiritually enlightened being and it will co-opt that in short order. You see it all the time with people running around on these weird ego trips because the ego attaches itself to everything. So that's what you have to always be on guard about. Stay mindful because it's going to happen to you. Call it out on its bullshit and then start using its tactics against it. The ultimate is to get it to turn on its master.

When you get to the point when you can transcend your base desires and see the light you will become transfigured and have no need to reincarnate anymore. This is the ultimate ego death and why its primary purpose seems to be to develop as many strategies to hold you back from that path that will ultimately end its existence because it is a product of time; time being synonymous with separation. This idea has as the result an ego with the number one goal being self preservation and will steer you away from the truth of who you are.