Monday, December 28, 2020

return to ancient Egypt

The main reason I started writing in this blog space was a fascination with ancient Egypt due to my obsession with their religious beliefs. As I have progressed along my own spiritual path, it has remained a bedrock for me though I have followed a trajectory that has led me towards other civilizations and their myths and archetypes; all which I have found useful as I formed my own beliefs. I am actually a little bit proud I never fell for any of the systems out there in the spiritual supermarket trying their best to pull me in but instead focused on developing my own story and version of the truth of existence. I wouldn’t take my word for it or even believe what I have to tell you but as a narrative of my own construction I am quite content with all I have learnt and now understand. It’s quite amazing that here I am over twelve years later and I’ve circled back to ancient Egypt because of just how profound is the myth of Horus and Set. The ancient Egyptian ideas of the Ba and the Ka, as represented by the warring deities Horus and Set, have been a constant on this path I travel. The iconic ancient Egyptian narrative of this mythic battle called, ‘The Contendings of Horus and Set’ lays bare the inner psychological battle for mastery between the light and the dark that manifests into your everyday life.

The Greeks defined this dualistic notion of the conceptions of life as bios and zoë. Biological life is the idea behind the resurrection and the new sprouting grain at the beginning of the growing season. It is victory over death that has become the heart of a great deal of religious traditions in the west. This power in ancient Egypt is inherent in Osiris, who is killed by his brother - this monster Set, and then is resurrected in order to impregnate his wife Isis, who in turn births the son Horus. Horus grows up and battles Set in order to avenge his father as well as battle for the crown of his father. This story is enacted over and over again in the cultural milieu of ancient Egypt. The son Horus becomes the father and impregnates the mother who gives birth to the renewal of life and the chain of heredity lives on in the Pharaoh, warts and all. This power inherent in Osiris is then subjugated to the underground realm and gives impetus to the renewal and coming forth of all biological life. Where you find the presence of the conditions for life in combination with indestructible life, the zoë, you will have the rise of biological life.
In the myth, why does Set kill Osiris? If Set is the personification of the indestructible life force why does he naturally kill Osiris as representative of biological life? It is because the power of Set propels creation along through motion which creates the illusion of time. Time is lethal to all biological life. All forms, harbingers of biology, disintegrate through natural decay.
Humans are greedy, needy, and want to cling to this transient life we lead. The truth and conception of biological life is perverted in western religion into a concept of a resurrection of the body and subsequent immortality. That’s not science! Isn’t that funny; I’m invoking science into religion, ha ha. No, seriously, when biological life expires then the conception of who you are is dead. Kaput. See ya. The energy pattern that defines you in biological terms, if it is to continue on, will do so in your offspring and so forth. Your progeny carries on with your energy pattern, along with all your ancestors. That is undeniably biological life. For some that is a blessing and for some it is a curse.
That sounds cool but what about me? I want to live forever! You already do. You’re indestructible. Each biological manifestation of your Ka is called in ancient Egypt your double made from your master Ka. This is the zoë or as the ancient Egyptians called it, the Ka. It is represented by the ridiculously strong, powerful, and magical god Set. In the myths, Set is fighting for supremacy with the representatives of the Ba power who are Osiris and Horus. Eventually, Set is defeated and forced to leave the empire. What is surprising is this is reflected culturally in Egypt at the time as the downfall of their 3000-year empire. Seriously, when Set became anathema to Egyptian society, it eventually fell apart and collapsed. So, what is this power? It’s the life force that gives rise to all forms created by the feminine creative power. Where and how do I find and recognize this power? It’s your shadow; that voice deep within that is your master teacher, misunderstood and relegated to the demonic, that is teaching you to become the ultimate warrior through stress and challenge. He has no qualms about killing you if he must because he knows life is indestructible. Why do I want this? What’s in it for me? You want to live forever, right? This is your vehicle to enable that. Your shadow, the master teacher, is your boat that will sail you on into eternity and beyond. That’s right you can live on in perpetuity in two modalities: through bios and zoë. The ancient Egyptians even recognized this combination and called it the Akh.

It is a luminous being; today we would recognize it as a concept of enlightenment. What is being shown in this iconography is the merging of bios and zoë into a new power. From my standpoint, it looks like a conception of how to achieve conscious eternal life. The reason I say that is it seems that biological life is conscious but perishable. Indestructible life, the zoë, is subconscious and uses biological life to gain a foothold into consciousness. In the advanced thinking of the spiritual masters of ancient Egypt, they seem to have envisioned a vehicle that combines the two.
It presents to me with an interesting conception of the word enlightenment that we throw around nowadays. If you’re awake, preach love, and declare we are all one that usually gets you into the E-club though some celebrity and followers help back up your claim. Sorry about my sarcasm here. Anyways, I’m intrigued by this conception of enlightenment that my spiritual journey and probing into understanding what life is all about has unearthed. What do I know? It took me a while to admit it but I’m fully comfortable with the demon within; I’m bipolar and I have progressed in my journey from being scared and wanting to get rid of him into understanding he is my master teacher who means well in a very peculiar way. He’s transforming me into the ultimate warrior. So, I can see now that if we are to combine into this luminous being, he needs to forge steel out of the raw material I gave him to work with.
A favourite intellectual game of mine is to challenge prejudices and hierarchies. The life force is dominant and biological life cannot exist without this power. Because of this knowledge, my natural inclination is to believe that the king is the life force. Shouldn’t Set be one up on both Osiris and Horus in the ancient Egyptian pantheon because he is not subject to death? Not so fast… The life force is indestructible power however to come forth as self-aware it requires the manifestation of biological life. This is how the energy expresses itself and because the energy is a pulse, biological life by nature repeatedly comes and goes into consciousness. Biological life coming forth thus births two entries into conscious form: The bios and the zoë, imagined in ancient Egypt as the brothers Osiris and Set. To play the game they need each other. Without each other they are but potential. This is one of my favourite images from ancient Egypt, found in the Papyrus Jumilhac, because it explains so much. The bull depicted here is the life force as Set and this powerful animal is carrying Osiris as biological life. The two are exoterically opposed but secretly in the esoteric mystery, they need each other. In the far left panel is the son Horus with his father Osiris to his left, inert on a bier. Horus stands on a hippopotamus with his spear in dominant fashion. The hippo represents Set. The image is reminding us how we use the life force to give rise to our biological form and then subjugate and bury this power henceforth why I found it buried within the shadow. The middle frame shows Osiris without his phallus; the phallus being the representative of the masculine life force power.

Indulge me if you will because I want to show you how this myth is my story and it’s your story.
The masculine voice that talks to you when altering your consciousness is your shadow; it’s the hidden and indestructible zoë. The nature of psychedelics that is among the most frightening experiences within this human existence, at least for me, is the ability to access the darkness that lies within. There’s nothing to prepare you for it; nor can I try and explain or teach you how to approach this aspect of self. We all will react differently as a first timer. The game is on. It’s a game that can last years if the initial foray is not game over for you. Running from the fear is totally understandable. Fighting back is heroic. Understanding what is going on is next level. Suffice to say, this entity is your master teacher. Do with this information what you will. Approach with caution.
Some of my early Ayahuasca visions and encounters make a lot of sense now almost eight years later. My first foray into the unknown was an encounter with the sacred feminine who wanted me to come away with her. I understand it now as motherly instinct to protect; knowing that what I was going up against could kill me so she wanted to shield me from this situation. When I protested and said I was not done with my earthly incarnation and voyage, she offered me a cloak of protection against my enemies and told me I could call on her at any time. I didn’t know what she meant or why she was offering these items. The second ceremony I quickly learned why as the darkness came and steamrolled me. It was the worst night of my life; a thorough beat down. The third ceremony, the masculine voice came again and showed me paths: Paths to power and a path out of this predicament where I would just drop the idea of plant medicines. I declined the path to power and ran home where I mulled my options. I like adventure and I like knowledge. The fear activated within counselled me to drop the plant medicine path; my inner fortitude beckoned me to continue.
I enlisted the help of the Goddess and got up off the mat. Slowly, I regained my composure and set off to once again engage the subconscious. On came the attacks; the fits of panic and doubt; and the thoughts to stay away from the experience. I returned and I battled. Once I got a leg up, was a vision where the Goddess told me to take up my sword and go after this darkness. She then revealed this darkness was her husband and he kept her locked away in this castle made of gold. I made plans to defeat this enemy, eventually concluding the enemy was a part of me. I also couldn’t understand why she married this guy in the first place? I think there was a Star Wars moment in here somewhere where I realized the darkness was my father and I came to defeat him. I kept developing my new-found strength and soon within a ceremony I transformed into a jaguar, thus revealing that within me was now the recognition and available power of the life force along with my biological life. One of the most important concepts I learned on this path to power was to open the heart and run everything through the heart. This is paramount and without these lessons power will destroy you.
From this point forward in time, I had mastered fear and a four-year period ensued where I developed an amazing clarity of this game. The culmination occurred in the last few months where I put all the pieces together; added it all up and realized this darkness within, the shadow, is the master teacher and the holder of a vast reservoir of power available to me if I so choose to take it. The master teacher gives lessons in becoming a man, a warrior, and is a fount of wisdom. As I said earlier in this piece, it is through biological life that the zoë manifests. It is through my vessel that the master can transmit his traits. He does it through jaguar training school. If you choose to enrol, it can become a game of life and death and there are no training wheels to be offered. I can’t recommend it because it can be deadly.
It is hard to accept what I have learned on this path I chose. I became a man of knowledge and this knowledge can be a little unnerving and hard to both acquire and come to terms with. Cultural indoctrination runs deep and the natural inclination is to deny what you are being shown. My run in with my buried shadow, a man stomped out by culture, I never expected to turn out this way. He was a bad man who scared the shit out of me. I was shocked to learn of his identity and to learn of his methods for teaching me to become a warrior. To be like the master.
So, that my friends is the journey where the Ka, as the life force, uses the Ba for the manifestation into consciousness of its power. The relationship is symbiotic and necessary in order for actualization of the potential that lies within the life force. It’s why as a teacher this power is relentless and accepts only mastery. Who you may think is your greatest enemy could be in fact your greatest teacher. A previously unfathomable outcome is now within reach.
I returned to the teachings of the sages of ancient Egypt from a time long ago because as the knowledge turns into understanding I have come to realize that what they taught is what I have independently verified. The myths of Horus of Set and their constant fighting mirrors my own internal struggle and recently I was able to separate it out into the bipolar nature of my being that were in essence my biological life and the universal life force behind life which the Greeks called bios and zoë and from a masculine point of view are the Greek Apollo and Dionysos. What the masters of ancient Egypt taught was you can harmonize these two into one called an Akh. I haven’t reached that point and I can’t verify if it is true however I have no reason to not believe them because what they have taught up until now on my path has been remarkably the real deal, if you can understand metaphor and throw off cultural misconceptions. When I researched this concept of Akh further, I came across the identification of the bird to which it was most likely referring and that bird is a heron. Observing a heron in the wild you will notice its call is a penetrating, “ack, ack, ack.” I’ve heard it before and I have commented to myself it sounds like a dinosaur. Anyway, as my understanding increases the omens take form. Around the pond where I walk the dog at night, a heron has taken up residence, calls out in the night time sky, “ack, ack, ack,” and glides to its nest over top of me. Of course it does, I thought to myself. I’m on the verge of its secret.
The butterfly comes forth from the caterpillar in this lifetime. It is interesting to project this transformation out among say many lifetimes and think about our own lives. If you view our energetic form as constructed as eternal then reincarnation into different biological containers becomes a plausible idea. What would be the purpose behind reincarnation? For fun and adventure? Possibly. Desire? That’s a big one. Or are they all elements of the game and the game is transformation along the lines of the example set by the butterfly. Eventually, we will transform our biological impetus in combination with the eternal life force that powers us up into the shining radiant entity called the Akh. Perhaps this is all fanciful speculation but I do know the butterfly is the most common symbol I come across when I access altered states of consciousness. Its behaviour must be pointing me towards something I can figure out the more knowledge I synthesize on this incredible journey.

Monday, December 21, 2020

liberation and love

What is unconditional love? Is the path towards liberation a result of love or is liberation needed in order to love unconditionally? Is suffering love? Is desire love? Are death and despair forms of love? By these questions I’m trying to get at the root of existence and why is there what we perceive as negative outcomes. In order to love unconditionally, you must remove the conditions affecting love. That seems pretty straightforward from a intellectual point of view. The way to shed conditions is to stop ceding control of your life to external influences which includes culture and those who surround you, as well as losing yourself continually to internal desires. Only through self-mastery will you ever be able to love without conditions and it is an interesting thought experiment to see how this works. Think of your worst enemy and how they can in a flash destroy your life. If you can find it in your heart to forgive them then this is unconditional love. From this situation you can make sense of the following:

In this strange world we live in where we eat other sentient beings to survive and can suffer from debilitating bouts of anxiety and depression, is it all created as a supreme act of love? Is the master teacher, who will kill you if you can’t rise out of the morass of the deep dark depths, doing this as an act of supreme unconditional love in order that you will be liberated and subsequently can experience unconditional love? I thought this was preposterous. I have realized my teacher is forging steel and it’s a process that is tough love but once my thought progression suggested this is the ultimate form of love, I had trouble accepting it. The teacher’s idea of unconditional love involved threatening my well-being and very existence? Love involves death and suffering? Love involves allowing people to sink so deep into their despair they perish? It’s hard to let go of presumptions we hold dear that enable us to cling to our worldview.
Yes, it’s true. The way out towards liberation of the spirit is to continually hammer this home. Chase desires and be beholden to culture and you will suffer endlessly in the cycle of metaphorical eternal damnation come to fruition as a hell of your own making. Incarnation is on repeat and the situation keeps resolving with the same result. Snake eyes! Don’t you eventually want to try something different? Isn’t the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over again with the same outcome? Isn’t that what we are doing? We keep re-creating the hell. To help you out of this trap, the master teacher offers some non-ordinary and harsh methods. It’s a hard path to follow unless there’s some motivation to do so such as self-actualization through liberation. You can run, you can hide, or you can choose to numb consciousness at this juncture. Always wanting control, once again we lose sight of the way out.
The master teacher must know the worst outcome for existence is to not have your freedom and therefore he relentlessly pushes the need for liberation. He forces me to continually confront my demons. Avoidance and abstinence are not an option. Okay, so think about it - how do you become a master teacher? It’s certainly not through book work and theory but instead experience. This being undeniably true, I realized my teacher knows the outcome of a path where you are controlled by external influences. He teaches how you must sometimes fall on your own sword to win your freedom. In order to re-create unity within this universe of separation, there must be freedom where unconditionally all come together to create wholeness. This solution of liberation must be the answer; my teacher has played it out to its end and knows this is the final answer. In response to this knowledge, his teachings become the ultimate course in self-destruction where first you take back yourself from others and once you hold this freedom in your hand, you then destroy the concept of self in order to find unity.
As a father would you not want to teach your son the same lesson? The father, my teacher, is the spirit of the masculine divine. I am of that spirit incarnated within the form provided by my mother, the feminine divine. Pretty much every parent wants what is best for their children and wants them to surpass the heights they experienced. There is nothing greater than these two and the gift they have bestowed upon each and every one of us is the ability to play within these conscious biological forms. My father teaches me how to master this ability; to forge a steel so impenetrable by the pitfalls of biological life. What is the steel? It’s the union of feminine biological life with that of the spirit of eternal energy as defined by the masculine polarity within existence.
You are eternal and therefore you can do this. You can face up to the hardest of hardships and make it through. Temporary setbacks, including death, are part of the course. The clock ticks for us all; we will eventually run out that clock if something else doesn’t get us first. Look at it as opportunity. The result is to become greater than the gods. No kidding.
Our incarnation of energetic form upon earth is an opportunity to sign up for the master class. Free will is in play, so it’s not necessary to take the class, however it’s an opportunity I’d recommend embracing. Eventually, if you want off the hamster wheel, is a need to sign up and embrace the curriculum. Not coming to terms with all the suffering in the universe is a form of avoidance. We turn away because it’s easiest to create our own bubble and place reality on the fringe of civilization.
To be free, one has to accept suffering. A big reason why we chase power and control is our attempts to control outcomes so we don’t suffer. Biologically, we eventually reach the end and can longer control what is happening to our life form as we head towards death. This downhill ride is full of suffering and is the one act common to pretty much all of us who get that far. So, using this example you can see why we all seek control and power and enter into societal constructs where we give up our individual freedoms and power in exchange for collective power. This makes us feel safe and secure though in reality the government abuses that power to obtain more power and sometimes engages in acts that send your sons and daughters off to war which isn’t safe at all but is sold to us as necessary. We have bought so far into the cultural line that we acquiesce to its wishes. From these examples you can see how if you are liberated you lose all these social protections; you lose access to easily available food and shelter; no healthcare and you lose access to a comfortable retirement that will make sure you get the care you need as you slip into feebleness. This freedom thing is a tough sell. I add up all the dollars in my account and wonder if I can become free but still have the finances to pull it off. I’m not sure I’m getting the lesson? On the other hand, I don’t want to be homeless. It’s quite the dilemma though who said homelessness and poverty are conditions of freedom. Can you engage the system and then exit when you don’t need it anymore? At this stage of my life I’m not wanting to run out the clock. I don’t want to work up until retirement age and then putt around the house until I die.
All suffering is grace. Read that line again. All suffering is grace. Get out of here; that’s not right! We need to relieve suffering, don’t we? Relieving suffering is ideal but the suffering itself is grace. Suffering leads to exploration of one’s condition. Being cold forces us to seek heat. Living in darkness rouses within us the impetus to seek the light. This exploration leads towards liberation as one gets to understand the why of the suffering. We may have an idea of how much suffering is considered humane; the master teacher may disagree and give you what you need and not what you want.
So, is all the suffering a form of unconditional love? From all I’ve learned I’d have to answer yes. Tough love and hurting those you love in order to free them is the supreme act of unconditional love.

Monday, December 14, 2020

paths of meaning

I’m exhibit ‘A’ in regards to the dangers of psychedelic drug use. Everything in this blog space I have written from 2013 and on is tinged with the results of taking these drugs. You should sit down and read it all; some crazy stuff! Time to put a lid back on these substances for sure! I’m just fooling with ya. If you are interested in opening your mind, expanding consciousness, delving deep into your fundamental makeup, learning that love is all that matters, or engaging in an affair with nature, then possibly these agents of consciousness might be for you.

From a personal standpoint, I declare the plant medicine path the greatest life course available to a human being looking to get at the root of what this all means. Your results may differ and you may find a more serene path towards what it is you spiritually seek. I was so ensconced in my logic and reason that I needed the heavy dose in order to ‘see.' We all come at it from different backgrounds and experiences, ensuring that a similar outcome for all cannot be baked into the cards however I do know that you will gain much knowledge of self and the world at large. What you subsequently do with that knowledge and the path you pursue is your choice.
Taking substances that alter your consciousness is not looked upon favourably by society. Agents of consciousness are repressed and banned out of fear. The fear is that it will alter the way we perceive reality and change the way we think about how a society should operate. It’s true; they will do exactly that by freeing you from the hold culture has upon your thinking and actions, especially the power and control games. Society and its culture need you to play their game or it doesn’t work. Every society exists by sending out a narrow vibe that we all lock to in order to be like-minded and share values and customs. This in turn allows us to create extended tribes that become nations. We are subsequently duty bound to our group. Being like-minded breaks down your natural pull towards independence and you become easier to herd and control. Culture has established the canon of available and acceptable mind spaces we have the ability to traverse and has validated the fully awake, focused, alert, and problem-solving state as the ideal. Dreaming is dismissed as frivolous, the psychedelic experience is considered deviant, the day dreamer is scorned, and silent contemplation, reflection, and thought are looked upon with suspicion. Trivialities of pop-culture are presented to us in order to prevent any further inquiry. Culture is a non-stop attempt at distraction that largely succeeds. Acting outside the norms leads to being sent to a psychiatrist to figure out why you aren’t fitting in. In extreme cases, you get locked up in prison or a mental institution. The majority, who play within the bounds of the accepted frequency, are shielded from the crazies who are trying to tell them something. In order for society to have staying power, it must control access to any agent of introspection and change.
One way to suppress these substances is to demonize and assign psychedelics to the forces of darkness. I have heard the talk about the chemicals and how some view them as demonic, some say they will make you go crazy, some say they foster escapism from the realities of life, some say it gives you a false sense of enlightenment, and so on. I’ll agree and say there is validity to all those concerns. Crazy by whose standards? Isn’t it crazy to live out your life following the same dull and lifeless routine over and over again? Isn’t existence more than that modality? I’ll admit I’m very interested in the demonic aspect of them. The second time I altered my consciousness, I had the proverbial bad trip. It scared me beyond my foundations and it was dark. I met a demon hidden deep within my being. I totally concur these substances can lead to the demonic; in other words, they can help you confront your demons. What you do with that opportunity is your business. Most will run, hide, and deny it. That is also the intention of the darkness within because it is one of the first tests to reveal your intentions and subsequent fortitude. At some point, anyone who takes a psychedelic is going to scare the shit out of themselves. It’s a given. The choice usually becomes do I give up the agents of consciousness or continue on and embrace strategies that lead to the high of love and light? With the high comes the low. When you alter your consciousness, especially as a beginner, you roll the dice on where you are headed. With experience, you can mitigate the lows and develop strategies that allow you to move past the darkness within. Eventually, you regress the experience to the mean; in other words, the crazy days of exploration are over. Due to the implementation of strategies used to control the experience, the exploration of consciousness will be severely curtailed. Chasing the temporary high will work and you can further bury the darkness and the opportunity you had for confrontation and learning. I’ll admit to a little bit of that behaviour though I was always cognizant of and harangued by this demon and the darkness. It became obvious that surrender was the option to take if the course was to continue.
I exhausted the path towards love and light. I know the answer is love. The teacher of inclusion explained it very well and it is my duty to project that out into my life. You can’t live within ceremony for the rest of your life. Eventually comes graduation and you are sent out into the world. But school was so much fun! If you want to continue on this life journey then the master’s degree involves self-mastery. Self-mastery is the domain of the darkness and the hold your desire demons have on you. Your deepest, darkest adversary is your greatest teacher. Make of this what you will but I’m telling you straight out, no punches held back, and giving you the truth. I didn’t initially write or talk much about this part of my experience because I wasn’t comfortable with it. I wasn’t sure if it was just me? Eventually, I accepted the darkness instead of trying to vanquish it. Thus, began a transformation of my relationship with the demon within.
When I learned that love is the answer, I knew I didn’t have to keep searching anymore. There was no doubt about it and I knew that knowledge was just a sideshow at this point and the only thing that mattered was love. Knowing this, I decided I wanted to continue on in my journey aboard this ship of fools that has no destination and as far as I can tell it never ends. Acquiring knowledge gets me out of bed in the morning. I know the sequence: Acquire objective knowledge, synthesize the information, and get understanding. Like a flower, subjective intuitive wisdom blossoms. So, I have kept at it and have gone farther along on this path. The plant medicines schooled me and let me know I have to completely surrender if I’m going to get anything out of the experience. It was clear I could navigate the experience however steering my ship away from the abyss meant I’d never find out what’s in the abyss. If you keep searching, eventually the dark caverns of self beckon and you have to make a choice: Do I explore or sail on past, missing out on something available to me? As this realization has come to me, I look back now on a few recent Ayahuasca ceremonies with a little regret because nothing really happened. One of them, the energy load was the strongest I’ve ever felt but there were limited visions. Ayahuasca delivered a potent message. Eventually, I always get the message. Do you want to let go and dive deep or just be content with always being in control? It was clear that if I did not let go then the ship will stay in port.
The last Ayahuasca vision of February 2020 was the Goddess in a cage. The cage opened and I flew up to greet her. Over half a year later I know exactly what she was showing me. Let her be free and she will take me to what it is I seek. She has shown me visions of her being held prisoner in a castle made of gold and shut up in a bird cage. From these situations, she has implored me to take up my sword and defeat her husband who imprisons her. After much soul searching, I came to realize I am that man; the hero and the villain. She armed me with the tools and inner fortitude needed to defeat the monster of my own making. For maximum efficacy, she needs to be free. I wasn’t ready until now for the next step with Ayahuasca. It involves a complete surrender and letting go. Past scars were still holding me back. I had walked up to the precipice of the deep and dark cavern and I peered in. I saw the darkness but didn’t want to jump. I know I’m going back and I’m going to jump.
Within the depths of self, I found the monster of my own making. He was me and I manifested him in altered states as a demon. After taking up my sword and battling him to a draw, I finally realized I had created the whole situation. I buried him and in turn he locked up the Goddess. I realized my inner life had played out just like the exterior life we lead. I rebelled from my parents, moved out of home, and went my own way. I broke free of my father’s grasp and my mother’s smothering. I demonized his controlling nature and caged the spirit of my mother. The bravery, courage, and wisdom of masculine archetypes I eschewed while the unconditional love of the mother I rejected. She was always waiting for me to return and my eternal father was waiting to teach his son to become a warrior at any cost. To gain my freedom, I imprisoned those who gave me life. It’s time to rectify the whole situation. It really does all start with liberation.
I understand this is all hard to accept or even believe. Personally, I avoided for seven years the reconciliation of this knowledge I had unearthed in my depths. If I want to free myself on this path, I have to go into the meaning of all I have been given access to and to not deny anymore the darkness, what it has revealed to me, and what it teaches me.

Monday, December 7, 2020


Why do we incarnate? My perception due to lived experience is we desire it. We are attracted by the bright lights and adventure of the carnival that beckons to us and we keep falling for it. I can only speculate why but based upon experience I’d say it is because we haven’t mastered desire and therefore we keep falling for the same tricks to get us to continue to inhabit a meat body and help spin the collective hamster wheel. It fits in with what I think the purpose of life is. I don’t think there is a purpose however if you wish to transcend this ceaseless coming and going then you have to master the pull of desire that keeps sucking you in. Adventure seems like a good idea at the time until the suffering commences. And the fears. All that stuff, with no way out of the trap, so some try and make the best of it. We have to eat others to survive. Loved ones die and leave us to face the world alone. Desire brought us here and desire motivates us to continue onwards. We seek power in order to maximize control over our situation and fulfill desires. That’s why we do it.

Examining all of this, it becomes clear the way out is to master desire. I’ve tried the go to methods of bypassing desire or even welcoming it to try and figure it out. I couldn’t transcend it that’s for sure. Thoughts of power and being able to control outcomes leads to trying to accumulate wealth. Vegetarianism doubled down on my hypocrisy and made me weak. Bouts of asceticism only delayed the inevitable biological return. One thing I learned from these situations is how strong my mind is and how I have a lot of inner fortitude however I learned desire will always return once you open the door a crack. And it just gets worse. I embraced desire and tried to make a truce to control it. It just demanded more. All I was left with was frustration. How can I complete the spiritual climb with this hanging over me?

The most rewarding thing about this journey I have been on for over a decade is I do get answers. In this case, it took a long time right up to the point I exhausted all avenues of exploration and faced ignominious defeat. I finally got it one night and broke the spell. Desires are spells; they are hypnotic and at times irrational. I think a rational look at them probably reveals that to the casual observer but until you get under one of its spells, understanding is evasive. We do call them addictions which is a modern way of describing something the ancients relegated to the realm of magic. What do you think love magic is? It’s to get someone to become enchanted by another. In other words, addicted to them with the result the other can play them like the proverbial fiddle. The way I learned to get out of these traps is through mastery. Our base desires we will never transcend but instead of being the weak puppet you become the strong master. Desire preys on the weak, so cultivate strength. Recognize we easily are enchanted and welcome desire because of the initial hit of pleasure it brings.

To break free of the hold desire has on you is to snap out of the hypnosis. In my experience, the Tantrics have the answer and it was confirmed in an Ayahuasca ceremony. It’s to go straight into it. Put the pedal to the metal and go as fast as you can until you crash. It’s very risky as who knows what the immediate outcome of the crash is? So, here I sat in a ceremony and my vision was one of driving up a mountain at high speed past yellow lights, red lights, cop cars, and roadblocks but no matter I just kept accelerating. My initial take away suggested I was out of control and hell-bent upon my own destruction. There was truth to that and so that was my take away as a warning to slow down. Mother Ayahuasca however knew full well she was pointing out something I already knew but was helpless to stop. I’d already tried all the methods as described above. The real meaning of the vision as I understand it now was to accelerate, go for it headlong, and crash. That’s what I did. The full-stop crash broke the spell life and the darkness had over me and I was bestowed with great clarity therefore I saw how stupid and nonsensical all my addictions were. I regained control and a sense of liberation washed over me. I felt and tasted freedom. I was free to act on my accord and not the influence of other actors.

Desire is why we do it. It’s why we enable the ceaseless coming and goings. Ultimately, desire is the master tool of the master teacher. In order to be free, you too must become the master. Desire is what makes the world go around but it doesn’t need to spin you around like a top and take you along for the ride. Desire is power, a lot of it. Is power ultimately a bad thing? I mean it has allowed me to take control of my inner life and wrestle it away from the demons within. Ultimately, control falls from one hand to another. I would think at some point after everything falls away, control is to be ceded as well.

Self-mastery puts you on the doorstep to gobs of power. Being free from desires gives you the key to the source of their influence. The question is what will you do with this knowledge and acquisition of power? Do you continue the game, turn the tables, and use it to get what you want, thus putting you back into the clutches of the desire demons and the game? Power becomes a high brow game, elevated from the common desire one you were playing. The answer is simple if you have to ask. Let it be. If you don’t have to ask or grab it, it’s already yours. The power of no power.

What is hidden behind the pursuit of power is the ultimate quest to be free. The maximum power you can obtain is realized through giving it all away and becoming impervious to the chase and attainment of power. Eventually understood is power ends up controlling you and once you see the secret of the game is to be free, well, then you naturally decline the trappings of power because it will suck you right back into where you started on this quest to be free.