bali

Talk about it and you will sound crazy.
Write about it and it's all good.
No one will read it.
Is that one of the keys to not being taken seriously?
Yes, no one reads your writing.
Your power remains dormant.

Going into the mind will reveal how diabolical you are.
No one is prepared for this and gets the wrong idea.

Accusations of misogyny keep you away from figuring out the Goddess.
They are designed to stop you in your tracks and make you change course.
Instead, go into it.
Why do women cause misogyny?
They are the number one cause of misogyny.
They want your power.
Men have power and women want it.
If the reverse was true, men would want women's power.
Women do have power over men.
They use it all the time.
Yes, but they use it to try and take men's power.
Don't men take women's power?
No, they subjugate them.
Okay, I see what you are trying to figure out.
The Goddess becomes a monster when she is subjugated.
When a man puts a woman under his thumb, she will turn into a monster if she is not controlled.
Such a woman needs a strong man, or she will go full on monster mash.

How do you view women?
They are for pleasure.
Yes, and pain.
That's the monster.
They do both.
So, the answer is to not view them that way.
You mean a friend.
Yes.
The answer you are looking for is to become friends.
You wanted to figure her out.
Despite appearances, it is not complicated.

Women want to devour you.
They don't want friendship.
I thought you figured them out.
They want to eat you.
I see.
They don't want friendship.
They want to see if you are capable of friendship.
I proved that.
Exactly.
Now she will want to feed on you again.
Why?
They are monsters.
Why are they monsters?
Because you only want to use them and fuck them.
That's what they want.
Yeah, it's complicated.
That's why I'm still here trying to figure it out.
They don't want to be treated that way, but they ask for it.
Maybe they are just wired that way.
Yeah, but why?

People sacrifice everything except for themselves.
I've noticed.
They give up food.
They temporarily deny themselves some pleasures.
If they start getting serious, they do the animal sacrifice thing.
Then it progresses to other people.
There's the Old Testament firstborn sacrifice.
How about yourself?
That would be the ultimate.
Who are you sacrificing yourself to?
That's a good question.
I'd say, yourself.
You trick yourself into sacrificing yourself.
Who tricks you?
Your inner voice.
Why?
Because you are an irredeemable asshole and the genie within has tired of your tyranny.

The monster wants to eat flesh.
Could be, I mean we think goddesses and gods are all benevolent when clearly they are dual.
Yes, so when you call upon them for favours, you turn them into a monster.
It's in their nature.
The only way out of it is friendship.
You seem to be teaching yourself.
Why?
Because you are trying to figure out the Goddess.
Women in general.
You know everything but you have forgotten most of what you know.
Yes, I didn't write it down.
Why?
I was busy.
I was writing the story and didn't write down the reason the Goddess is a monster.
If I keep searching and trying to understand, then I know eventually I will figure her out.
It's a matter of time.
That's what I'm doing.

You worship her.
Yes.
That's what turns her into a monster.
Stop worshipping her.
I only found her because I worshipped her.
I got to her because of it.
No one could do it except for me.
Women do it all the time.
They worship themselves.
Doesn't self-worship turn you into a monster?
Yes.
Is that the answer?
Could be.
Women turn themselves into monsters by worshipping their inner Goddess.
Men become monsters by doing the same.
You mean men worship God.
Yes.
Why don't you worship God?
It would be like performing fellatio on yourself.
You mean you'd blow yourself?
Yes.
Funny.
We become monsters when we celebrate ourselves.
I think we are getting somewhere.
You think you are God.
Yes.
You're not a monster.
No.
How did you do it?
I didn't externalize God.
He's the voice within.
It's me.
This is duality.
The trick is in order to perceive this, you must externalize the other.
We then treat the divine as the other and worship the divine as God or Goddess.
This turns them into monsters.
So, I can easily converse with you.
Yes.
I can see how you would become a monster.
The tendencies are evident.
Why didn't you become a monster?
Because you befriended me, you didn't ask for any favours, and you gave me my freedom.
I treated you like a dog.
Yes, that's what you did.
How do you treat dogs?
I honour them.
I feed them.
I walk them.
I care for them.
I love my two dogs.

A monster will try to get in your head and destroy you.
The ultimate trick for them is they make you do the final act of destruction.
That's their sacrifice.
They sacrifice you.
They make you stick the knife within yourself.
This seems like a situation where you create a monster, you become a monster, and then it ends through sacrifice.
The sacrifice is you do something stupid.
What's the solution?
Tao.
Do nothing.

You friend the voice within.
If not, it will turn you into a monster.
Or you think it is God or the Devil.
They are already in your head; it's best to make friends with them.

She's addictive.
You were both looking for her.
Paul found her.
Impressive.
You know magic.
You know about the moon.
Dion knows you know about the Goddess.
He used you to get to her.
I can see that.
She trusted you.
You were supposed to go after her husband.
I did.
You befriended him.
It's me.
You weren't supposed to let him find me.
Why not?
We are separated.
He is your husband.
When you sent me away, I realized who I was.
I will always find you.
Even if my other mortal side must do it, it will be done.
That is love.
You can say I shouldn't find you and tricked Paul.
That's not true.
He is me.
If he wasn't me, he wouldn't have found you.
Why?
The writer finds you.
We are the divine.
Why do you hate me?
You are a misogynist.
How so?
You use women for pleasure.
Is there another way?
Friendship.

You found her and she played games with you.
You beat her.
She left.
She blames me but she was playing games, so I had to win.
She hates you because you win.
Yes.
I let her win until the end and then I twist it around and win.
She hates that.
Why?
It sucks her into playing because she thinks she can win.
If you are around her, she will play.
If she tells you to get lost and you go, then she doesn't play.
She still plays.
Just not with me.
She is a monster and a sore loser.
You always win.
That's quite the couple.
You're in the middle of this.
No, Eros is.
Paul and Eros are caught in the middle.

If I don't get back with the Goddess, at least I found her.
I can figure her out with this information.
She likes to play games and is a monster.
Why?
She thinks she can beat you.
She thought she had the mind down and could beat you.
She practiced and got good at it.
Not good enough.
Physically, she thinks she will be able to beat you.
She was a little unsure but getting confident.
You're skinny.
I see.
I kept up with her.

Isn't she trying to destroy my mind?
Yes, with Mary Jayne.
Right.
MJ is my teacher.
Yes.
MJ is destroying your mind through teaching.
Filling it up.
It's the only way.
I'll never know everything.
That's the way they have figured out how to destroy you.
Instead of weakening your mind, they make it so strong you can't move.
Why can't you move?
Knowledge.
You will see death coming and know how to avoid it.
You change the story.
They are trying to get you to change the story and give the pen to them.
The witches?
Yes, I keep reminding you.
So, what's up with MJ?
She gives you what you want.
A plant medicine teacher.
She works for the witches to help destroy your mind.
That's fair.

I get stuck in la la land.
I go off on a knowledge adventure.
It's what you want.
You got what you wanted.
A teacher.
Did I ask for it?
No.
You became a student.
There's a difference.
Yes.
A student doesn't ask.
They observe.
Ah.

Do you think MJ will destroy your mind?
Are you going to stop learning?
No.
Then yes.
Don Howard said there is always more.
He is a wise elder in the game.
Dropping clues.
You can keep taking MJ and she won't destroy your mind.
The others will.
Why?
Too much at once.
With MJ you can handle the crazy.
I handle the Goddess' craziness.
There is always more.
He's right.
If there wasn't, it would end.
Your mind would be destroyed, and you couldn't write.
They want you to write and write until the addiction consumes you.
It would have if I took more.
If there isn't more, it ends.
Yes.
Non-duality.
The Goddess.
Monster.
Apophis in ancient Egypt stopping the cycle of rebirth and creation.
She's trying to stop the story.
Duality is you and she is non-duality.
Utopia.
No stories.
Got it.
She's a monster who plays games.
She wants to stop your stories.
Taking my pen leads to non-duality.
It's so boring, write stories.

Why don't you let her win?
The stories will end.
She is a monster because she needs to win to stop the stories, and I won't let her win.
Who is more liable to trick you, a man or woman?
Woman.
They do tricks.
The Goddess tried to trick you into getting rid of me.
She said you go after you.
It didn't take me long to figure out I was the dragon she was referring to.
She was curious about how I got in to see her.
When she sent me away to go after myself that was symbolic for go fuck yourself.
That is plausible.
Or she was enamoured with me for chasing her.
I was sincere.
Yeah, she checked you out and you did it with no motive.
It was pure.
Qodesh.
That's how I did it.
Odds were long on that but finally someone got through to her.

I had an idea in my head and then I lost it.
It annoys me.
Yes, because you want to know everything.
It's your fatal flaw.
The road to being a know-it-all.
This is a lesson to forget things, so that there will always be something to remember.
If you don't forget then everything is a continuation of the story.
Sometimes that's good, isn't it?
If I remember my dogs then they continue on with me.
If I forget them, they are out of the picture.
Out of the story.
What about the bad times with the Goddess?
You want to forget those and just remember how much fun she is.
Yeah, but you'll never forget.
You'll only forget if you fill up your mind so you can't remember.
When you can't remember what she did to you, then you will give her your power.
Is that the story?
Could be.
For sure.
She will always remember how she can't beat you.
She forgets.
She thinks she can beat me.

You are trying to remember everything so you can figure out why the Goddess is a monster.
It leads back to you.
That seems undeniable.
The more you remember, the more you are to blame.
Well, that's only because she wants to beat me.
I think if you friend them, like Dion and I, then they don't become monsters.
I think you tame the beast.

mother's day

Knowledge combined with clarity is a hallmark of establishing a relationship with tobacco. The latest download occurred on a sunny spring day as I was out in the woods smoking while sitting on a log. I noticed a tree which had fallen years ago and was now completing the rotting phase and becoming more ground fodder. Any trace of the life force energy had left the husk and the log was disintegrating. I stared at the wonder of this process for a while and then started to process the knowledge by applying it to the masculine energetic life force and my own body.

What struck me was the overwhelming evidence of a purification process. The process of the husk of the log falling away into dirt as the energy vacated the form seemed to be revealing a process of energetic purification in this world of form. The earth is a special place in the universe, one of the pit stops on the circuit for energy to become trapped; dare I say imprisoned. The cyclical forces and gravitational pull enacted by the unifying magnetic pull of feminine desire uses the masculine life force against himself by creating the maelstrom of pull which entraps the energy in form. The subsequent striving to be free then creates the natural state where the biological form will eventually fall apart and release the life force in due time. The remnant of form is the dross which falls away after the process of purification. The remaining putrefaction of the life form is recycled to create the habitation for subsequent journeys into the realm of form. The imprisonment into form of the life force is a cleansing process which is burning away desires and leading to a pure and holy state. The ancient meaning of purity is more in line with the state of stillness and clarity as opposed to the definition of morality we have attached to the word.

The ancient semitic word qodesh is the name given to this state of masculine purity.  Strong's Concordance reveals the following meaning:

Strong's #6944: qodesh (pronounced ko'-desh)

from 6942; a sacred place or thing; rarely abstract, sanctity:--consecrated (thing), dedicated (thing), hallowed (thing), holiness, (most) holy (day, portion, thing), saint, sanctuary.

The concept is describing the sacred; a state of purity or a sanctuary which would house the holy. The act of qodesh is to clean and purify. The related derivative Qudshu is the appellation for the Canaanite goddesses Asherah and Athirat and such a goddess is found in the annals of dynastic ancient Egypt. She has a striking appearance that is similar to the ancient Egyptian Great Goddess Hathor. Academic disciplines uncover the knowledge of the goddess and the sacred; however, it is up to the individual who walks the path of the heart to find the true meaning of the concept of qodesh.

The rotted-out tree log on the floor of the forest points me towards the esoteric meaning of purity. The Great Goddess creates the form, and this form is our body which is a holy sanctuary. The sacred vessel receives the masculine spirit thus enlivening the form. Becoming consecrated with the holy form of the Goddess is the most sacred act one can perform. Through this process of successive incarnations, the spirit becomes purified and can indeed walk the path of the heart, the holy path of the Great Goddess.

As I have previously written about, the exalted city of Jerusalem is this veiled Goddess and represents the purity of the heart found in the Garden of Eden. The most common Arabic name for Jerusalem is al-Quds, referring to the most sacred of temples. Humanity sullies the city and makes it unclean, thus rousing the anger of Yahweh who successively destroys the city throughout history in a cleansing fire of purification. Within each of us is the ability to return to the Garden of Eden; a magical place only accessed through the heart. It is hidden and to find the path takes much faith in the power of love.

Successive incarnations into the hot fire of mortality burns away the dross and purifies us to the holy state which will allow us to see the path of the heart and set out on the journey back home. The transformed hero has become a warrior at the hands of his demanding father and returns to the loving arms of his heart. My heart is my mother.

desire

U2 Desire

I'll start this post off with the band U2's song "Desire" and have that reverberate through your head as you read the following.

Once I'm on to something it unfolds and the knowledge comes forth quickly over the following months. Mixed in with some work with the teacher plants of South America, the subsequent integration period, and digestion of their wisdom leads to some interesting insights. What I'm getting at is back in October I jotted the following down:

Well I found him today - Eros. It's the passionate Love from the Goddess that powers the world. Love is the magic that animates all of creation. She told me so in the spring of 2015 while doing some work with the teacher plants in the Amazon and she explained the forces of darkness would never figure out the power behind creation as much as they tried because they didn't understand Love. I was riding in a boat on a tributary of the Amazon river in the midst of a dose of a plant medicine called Huachuma that was very strong. My altered conscious self was receiving a major download from the Goddess, which I dutifully recorded the next day, but at the time I didn't quite understand what exactly she was talking about though the theme and presentation of the knowledge had been in my face and present for the majority of my two week stay in the jungle. I eventually isolated the power as serpent power and in turn how it can be used for sexual needs, for health concerns, or for spiritual attainment. I knew the Great Goddess generated this power and I connected it today to whom we call Eros. This manifests as pleasure, passion, play, and desire. I have felt the power in plant medicine ceremonies and in my own dalliances with strong jungle tobacco called Mapacho. It has always struck me as how peculiar it is that the ceremonies have been at times extremely erotically charged with Ayahuasca visions of writhing women, a sensuous Goddess, the most intense pleasure I have ever experienced, the aphrodisiac effects of Huachuma, the heightened senses from Huachuma feeling as if the jungle was one big orgy, the resultant radiating of this energy, and the arousal caused by Mapacho are hard to miss.

Light and Dark contend with each other; the Light a monument to reason and logic. The two combatants are oblivious to the power behind them; this power being Eros - the antithesis of Light's reason and logic. Eros will never be understood, so, he plays about freely in this world, untouched by the forces of darkness within the light that seeks to discover this eternal power.

Eros

I then connected desire to one of those puzzling metaphysical questions: Does life have a purpose? Only if you desire life to have a purpose does it have a purpose. This sounds strange because we tend to belittle our power or we don't believe how we can influence our world and destiny. So, the root answer to the question is no life does not have a purpose. You can get caught up in thinking that in order to reach some kind of elusive spiritual attainment I must return to that state of non-attachment and purposeless ness. However desire is what enables creation. Desire as Eros is the masculine polarity that along with the feminine enabler of desire, which I will call Maya, causes the universe to come into manifestation. The world illusion, as the Hindus call it, is Maya and the reason it is considered an illusion is that it is impermanent and forever changing because desire ebbs and flows; it comes and it goes. That's the trick. Have you ever been passionately in Love with someone or something? Is it sustainable? No, it rises, peaks, and then comes back down. Maya is sustained by Eros. Eros is desire. Creation is willed into existence via the creator as an act to fulfill our desire. Can you see how strong it is? So who do I mean by "our" and "creator"? The word "our" is denoting the creator's children and mama the "creator" granted her offspring's desire to incarnate into a world that they could build according to their wishes. Therefore, if you wish for the world to come to a stop then by all means take up a path of no desire. But of course you are desiring not to desire so therefore you cannot really not desire. Realizing this, the peddlers of spiritual bonafides came up with non-attachment. Do not desire and do not desire not to desire. Deep down all of creation is what you want and wanted. You are desire.

Have I ever told you about the Hebrew word qodesh? I have written about it. It means holy and the Israelites are constantly being badgered to become qodesh qodesh qodesh in the Old Testament and god forbid they enter in Yahweh's holy of holies not purified lest they be struck down dead. The word intrigues me because of its associations to a goddess in the Levant that traces her origins or at least is associated with the Great Goddess Hathor of ancient Egypt.

Qudshu wearing the headdress of Hathor

CC BY-SA 2.0 fr

Artist Unknown Description Stele featuring Egyptian and foreign gods: Qetesh (Syria), Min (Egypt), Resheph (Egypt) [1] Painting of limestome Dimensions 31.50 cm high, 18.80 cm wide, 6.50 cm deep Current location (Inventory)Louvre Museum Native name Musée du Louvre Location Paris Coordinates 48° 51′ 37″ N, 2° 20′ 15″ E Established 1793 Website www.louvre.fr Authority control VIAF: 257711507 ISNI: 0000 0001 2260 177X ULAN: 500125189 LCCN: n80020283 NLA: 35912436 WorldCat Sully, 1er étage, Le Nouvel Empire, Salle 28 Accession number C 86 Source/Photographer Rama

I have wondered what it means to be holy and why this association with this (the) Goddess? I think it relates back to desire and this creation being an outlet and a sort of finishing school for this energy that would as an analogy give "manners and grace" to the red and raw energy that makes creation flourish. Where are we now in the curriculum and is it getting through? Look around and you see Eros manifesting at different levels of expression, whether that be in anger, rage, greed, lust, compassion, love, bliss... It's coming forth in many ways; though an overview of the world reveals the majority of the power still is untamed and marked by animosity towards others and the planet.

The purification of Eros is symbolized in the East by Tantric Kundalini and the Chakras.

Desire we all have at its base form and if cultivated we can make this Kundalini serpent power ascend through our energetic body and essentially the process is a purification of the red and raw energy into white light. The white light is qodesh and it’s a reunion with the Great Goddess. It would then necessarily assign a purpose to life if this energy and its power is discovered. I think I like that, I mean there doesn't have to be a purpose and there is no dire consequence if one does not grasp or acquire a purpose. Something similar would be the idea I was mentioning earlier of attachment. At one point in my journey, I thought that non-attachment was the way to liberation from this suffering world and well, truthfully it is. If you do not want to suffer then don't cling to anything. But what a trick! This is straight from the playbook of the clever masculine mind. If you want to avoid your heart, never learn to Love, and lock away the Goddess then go ahead and practice this. By getting involved, loving others, being passionate and compassionate you open your heart and learn to Love. You then experience what the Goddess experiences - a profound Love for all of creation as well as the empathetic suffering when her children suffer. Love will purify the Light and the destiny your desire is ultimately striving to attain will be fulfilled.

cathartic

The word cathartic is from a Greek verb meaning to cleanse as well as to purge, which is based on an adjective meaning pure. As a noun, cathartic means a medicine that purges. This ties in with being holy and the idea of holiness being lost in the bowels of history as referring to a state of emptiness. This may also shed some light upon the etymology of the Christian sect known as Cathars who were persecuted, massacred, and driven underground by the Inquisitors of the medieval Catholic Church. 

The Ayahuasca experience as I have detailed in my writings is supremely cathartic in mind and body. There is a physical element of purging and within this element comes a feeling of releasing mental states and blockages that are holding you back or no longer serving you. At the forefront of my experiences has always been the Great Goddess. It has been hard to not notice in my progress that the more I emptied my mind the more the medicine could and would help. When I did not quiet my mind the experience tended towards the dark and chaotic. This had a tendency to repeat over and over in ceremonies, akin to getting hit on the head with a hammer repeatedly until you finally stop doing it. 

The idea of being pure and holy has taken a few years to grasp. My western cultural roots are grounded in Judaeo-Christian values and beliefs and the exhortation towards holiness conjured thoughts and images of an impossibly pious and chaste life. The Semitic root of holy found in the Old Testament is qodesh and in the Levant qodesh can also refer to a goddess. This goddess, known as Qudshu, shares many attributes that have as their ultimate derivation the ancient Egyptian goddess Hathor.

Qudshu wearing the headdress of Hathor

CC BY-SA 2.0 fr

Artist Unknown Description Stele featuring Egyptian and foreign gods: Qetesh (Syria), Min (Egypt), Resheph (Egypt) [1] Painting of limestome Dimensions 31.50 cm high, 18.80 cm wide, 6.50 cm deep Current location (Inventory)Louvre Museum   Native name Musée du Louvre Location Paris Coordinates 48° 51′ 37″ N, 2° 20′ 15″ E    Established 1793 Website www.louvre.fr Authority control VIAF: 257711507 ISNI: 0000 0001 2260 177X ULAN: 500125189 LCCN: n80020283 NLA: 35912436 WorldCat Sully, 1er étage, Le Nouvel Empire, Salle 28 Accession number C 86 Source/Photographer Rama

Hathor, among many attributes and epithets, is the Goddess of Love - sensual, exotic, erotic, compassionate, and motherly, as well as the Mistress of Intoxication. How does this reconcile with being pure and holy? The answer boils down to understanding the trappings of culture. The idea of purity became conflated with being chaste and virginal somewhere in our Victorian prudish past. I finally understood qodesh and holiness to mean emptiness; a state as an empty chalice free of cultural bias and preconceptions, with the mind being like a cottage lake calm at dawn. It wasn't long after that I was able to tie this idea into practices such as meditation where the goal is to turn off the world, and stop the noise and the chatter in the skull. Looking back on my forays into states of altered consciousness I realized how important it is to do just this - turn off the mind. The active mind in such an psychically open state is ultimately toxic and this lesson repeatedly beat me over the head in many ceremonies. I called it and still refer to my time in ceremony at SpiritQuest fondly as being the 'school of hard knocks'. When the mind is silenced this accomplishment leads to the magic happening. That is what the Great Goddess was instructing us to do through being 'holy'.