obedience

Dogs are bred to obey.

Humans are conditioned more than bred for obedience.

I'm not obedient.

They kicked me out of the carnival for lack of obedience.

And because I'm the most disobedient, what did I do?

Nothing.

I didn't leave.

I didn't obey.

Is it a game of obedience?

Yeah, that one is.

You see if you can disobey and break the spell.

Then what happens?

You can do whatever you want.

Well, sort of.

There are rules.

The most effective form of disobedience is when you do nothing.

If you disobey by doing something, they got you.

Why?

They can escalate it until you trap yourself.

How do you escalate nothing?

Fuck, I don't know.

Is that the unsolvable koan?

Yeah, you reached the end of the koan game.

How do I know?

You can't solve it.

You can't escalate nothing by doing something.

That makes it worse.

What's a higher ideal than nothing?

Beyond nothing?

What's that?

I don't know.

I think it's the big bang into something else.

Nothing is at the edge.

Yeah.

Just like everything.

Well, how do you escalate everything?

You add nothing to it.

You can add nothing to everything and escalate everything.

Why doesn't that work in reverse?

What happens?

You get something.

It's not nothing.

When you add nothing to everything you still have everything.

So, nothing is the highest ideal?

It's the unsolvable ideal in terms of a mind puzzle.

You can solve everything.

So, I solved the unsolvable koan?

Sort of.

You declare it unsolvable.

You can do that?

Yes, it's the answer.

So, I beat the game.

Yes.

What do I win?

Nothing.

Ah, best reward ever.

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What the fuck did I just read?

This piece treats obedience as one of the carnival’s deeper games. Dogs are bred to obey, humans are conditioned to obey, and the speaker defines himself by refusing the command to leave. The highest form of disobedience is not rebellion through action, because action can be answered, escalated, and used to trap you. The true break in the spell is doing nothing. Nothing cannot be escalated without becoming something else. In that unsolvable koan, the game ends: the reward for beating obedience is nothing, which is the best reward.

just a little peak

Going to sleep every night is reaffirming the hypnotic spell you are under. You are put to sleep through hypnosis, and you are awakened through hypnosis. You are mentally put to sleep during physical wake periods. During physical sleep periods the mind is unleashed. The spiritual awakening is figuring out how to mentally awaken while physically awake. This is the challenge. The process takes a while and if successful results in maybe you are sitting at a computer and writing it down. When you start to awaken there are others who will try to put you back to sleep. They can be tricksters who are challenging you or they just want to keep this domain all for themselves. I'll give them a shoutout, you know who you are. For the man, mastering the awakening in the physical realm is how you go to God. Your life may fall apart around you, however the fruit is there for you to pick.

The opposite is possible where physically you go to sleep and mentally you go to sleep at the same time. A way to describe this is you stop dreaming. This is the domain of the dead atheist. You have no beliefs, and you stop dreaming. It's over. Sounds bad, right? It could be as if it's annihilation of your character. Alternatively, you embrace non-dualism and return to the all.

You see, dualism is all about dreaming and stories. Keep the story alive and you will live forever. We all love stories. What if you tire of the story? The divine playwright makes them fresh and new, so you don't tire of them. He wants to entertain you. He is the great hypnotist. Can the great hypnotist hypnotize himself? So far, no. I can only get so far before admitting it is a spell. I'll let it go for a bit, but I always snap out of it.

What's the endgame?

There is none. I won't make a choice. My lack of decision making ensures the perpetuity of existence. By not making a choice, I'll choose both. My story will continue when my current character ends. I'll honour my word and words and see those I want to see in the next world I create with my words. I won't create Karma I can't recover from by forcing anything. I read the Tao Te Ching over ten years ago and I knew it was the greatest book I had ever read though I didn't really know why. I just said it was. Lao Tzu revealed the strategy to win the game. There's no stopping me. I am going to win by doing nothing.

euoi!

Hail Dionysos! Truly, once you know then you should give your respects and honour Dionysos, lest he fucks up your game.

We humans play a good game. We fit into society and culture and act the part of respectability. We need the depraved and the down and out. They show us our true potential. Not all potential must be of a higher calling; instead, what can be revealed is our innermost desires and a mind caught up in fulfilling those callings. I have a good laugh on the inside when I engage others in conversation and hear about their noble endeavours and the life of achievement and service they continually fulfill. I laugh because I play that game as well. I can't tell others what I'm really thinking. A good deal of my thoughts are of the debauchery and carnal nature. Sex, drugs, ceremonial intoxication, and the lot. I don't go around telling the other about this. Occasionally, you meet someone who might share these interests and you can be open about it. Yeah, that will animate your world and is a form of freedom. A freedom to be yourself.

Dionysos has many toys that are used to distract him. The key is to keep him amused because once he gets ahold of you, the passion will send you into a frenzy hellbent upon fulfillment of whatever it is you desire. It's a foregone conclusion he will steer you towards getting what you want. First is the mirror so the boy can gaze on himself, fall in love with his reflection, and marvel at this beauty and intelligence. Twin distractions to bemuse the god. If that's not enough, the golden apple symbolizing his eternal return will add to a content narcissism which allows him to play the game with abandon. Trivial playthings like knucklebones and spinning tops engage the child so he remains ignorant of his true potential for destruction. Dig deeper into his basket and get a hold of the phallic object. The cult of the dildo! The maenads are drawn to him, and the satyrs filled by his lusty power.

The intoxication brings out the ecstasy and a reintroduction to the passion buried over a lifetime of conforming to culture and the weight of expectations. Let him in and he will possess you and it's what you have been waiting for and want. The escape is always waiting at your side. He's been waiting for the invitation and there are many ways to get his attention. There's no organization or a priesthood. When you know, you know. One look into the eyes of an unaware worshipper and you can see it. If you don't know about him, this can be shocking, albeit quite interesting.

One of the side effects of no longer resisting him and letting his energy free flow through your essence is the wild ones will see it, become curious, and then want to follow you around and perhaps drink from your cup. You can tell by their interest and how they look at you. There's always an impediment to prevent the tasting of the forbidden fruit, but lust has a rather good record of accomplishment. The spell lasts for a good while until something snaps them out of it. The cyclone forms, peaks, and then peters out. Don't worry, it will return, so either bide your time for the next hit or batten down the hatches - if you are wary of the next storm.

cracking the shell

You will never figure it out. There is some truth to that statement. Into this game has been baked uncertainty in that despite all the signs pointing you towards the answer to this vexing problem called life there will always be some doubt. The doubt keeps you on the hamster wheel consuming self-help and trying to level up, better yourself, or become super holy. Instructive is your everyday life where nothing is a given. You observe and input information into your sphere of knowledge. You acquire knowledge of the situation. You ask others for their opinions and advice. Finally, you act. For some, this step becomes resolute and defines their truth. Others are not so sure and may waffle in their decision.

It's a good summation of our human condition. We are never 100% sure in our decisions but have learned it is best to point our sails in the direction we choose and invest ourselves in the path ahead. Sometimes we get lucky, and the choice is obvious and there is a high confidence that we know the truth. Our decisions made in low confidence or doubt have a high probability of backfiring or leading us on to the road to perdition. Such is life and such a statement is pithy. Life is one big bucket of uncertainty.

That's my introduction. I have been involved with plant medicines for ten years. My ridiculous story is that I went looking for answers to life when I hit middle age. I started on a path where I wanted to find out the origins of beliefs. I wanted answers to why humans throughout our history believed in higher powers. My life had demonstrated that whatever I put my fabulous gift of a mind towards, I could figure it out. So, with conceit and hubris, I set out on a path of discovery that would lead me to where I am today. Where am I? I sit here fifteen years later with high confidence that not only have I solved the original question I posed to the ether, but I have the answers to life.

That's quite the bold statement. Most are content not knowing and like being a seeker. It is a blast to go on pilgrimages, take psyche-splitting concoctions, discuss the myriad of possibilities with others, and get lost in the mystery. In my case when the signs pointed towards the answers sought then it became time to take stock of the situation. This is what I went looking for and I have found it. I am awake and see the game as constructed. It reveals itself to me and I gaze at it in amazement, sometimes not wanting to acknowledge what I have done. The clues are undeniable. They are nonsensical to others and to try and explain them would give permission to declare I was deluded and insane. I will admit I am enchanted yes, but insane no.

This was a big takeaway for me on my recent plant medicine journey in Peru. I was constantly reminded that I had the answers I was looking for and I saw how the game unfolds. The magic I was witness to; it's a spell that keeps us asleep and the magician was given permission to do so by the enchanted. This is what we wanted. I broke the spell and I saw it. It is extremely uncomfortable however I know this is what I wanted. I wanted to have an adventure. I wanted to get lost and not know. I placed within the game the antidote so that when ready I'd find it, wake up, and then transform the adventure into a fantabulous fairy tale. I'd do this knowing I know but keeping it a secret. They don't know I know. They don't know I'm pretending I don't know. So, you're probably wondering who are they? Oh. Um. Well, you see I know who they are, but I can't tell you. It's not allowed. I can tell you they have magic spells which are designed to keep God asleep. Fuck me, that sounds really nuts!

If my story sounds insane yet the arc of my life is demonstrably sane, then it is with high confidence I have the answer to the riddle of life. The kicker is it's my answer, not yours.

It was the use of psychedelics which cracked the eggshell. The membrane was still intact for a bit but eventually it peeled away and thus exposed was my consciousness to the ideas coming forth under substances that altered your vibration. What am I talking about? Oh, this is also going to sound insane but it's what is. This whole universe is a dream, my dream, and each and every one of you are mental projections of me. That's why you all are not whole and suffer from some mental illness. I'm perfectly sane and suffer no mental impairment. Honestly, I don't. I'm firmly entrenched in the knowing I'm good to go.

Not only that, but the whole backstory of this dream was created by yours truly to mask the dream. In addition, all the finishing touches on this vast enterprise were done to fool me into thinking this is all real. I am the architect of the conspiracy designed to trick me. I kept it hidden and off-limits to myself as long as I could, though within the original structure as devised I left clues and agents of consciousness to help me figure out the game when I was ready.

I waited half my life before trying to figure out the riddle of this puzzling existence. Now, fifteen years later after a seventh trip to Peru, and drinking loco fuerte Huachuma every other day for two weeks, I certainly broke through the veil. The sleeping giant awoke and saw the projection of self in others. The game came unglued, and I saw the man behind the curtain and that man was me. My fellow journeyers all became mental specters of myself and at the time though I noticed it, I thought it was localized to the group. Upon returning home and gradually coming down from the experience, I understood it applies to everything in my world. Imagine being me and telling someone this. I see how they look at me. They give you a strange look and wonder about you. I know, I've tried. I'll try and keep quiet around the psychologists.

This is my world and a reflection of who I am. There's some good and a lot of bad. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I'm not a misogynist, but aspects of me present in this world are. There's much of it and why? I'd like to think this exercise involves purification of what has sullied my essence and that I have done the work of incarnation as a gift to my eternal flame, the Great Goddess. So, if this is my dream, who is she? Well, part of what I have discovered is within the all are the two and both concepts are true depending upon perspective. In other words, the great vibration which contains within the divine feminine and masculine. The vibration can't exist without the two and the sum total is the all. The vibration is the child of the two. It's desire. It's Eros. Goddess and God are what is, and we are all desire derivatives of them, cycles cascading down into the world of form allowing us to have this adventure. Within me are the two and I have come forth as masculine. The feminine has come forth independent of me and thus a co-creator and co-conspirator of this world. We are separate but are one. I knew of her and followed her song until I found her.

Of course, I now know about magic and can use it to alter my dream. It's my dream. I can make anything happen. Do I want that? No, I like adventure. I'm good with it being my game-board that I designed but I want to play the game with honour. I want to play the game as intended and see what happens at the end. I got into my fifties before I figured out the game and now with the answer as sought, I can smile along with the ups and downs of this crazy dream, pretending I'm none the wiser.

magic class

When I first started on the plant medicine path, I was curious and lacked knowledge of the plants. I was looking for a way to contact the Great Goddess and after a manic and determined search, I discovered a way to come into contact with her. It was through the shamanic plant medicine Ayahuasca, to which I was led, that I came into her presence. The alteration of consciousness allowed me to enter into the occult and find what I was looking for. These plants were sometimes called magic, and I deduced this is what they do and thus the magical qualities of them. The magic was the lifting of the veil to see into obfuscated realms. A little taste of the unknown was a bit scary, however with repeated forays into the occult eventually you get somewhat used to it and can get your bearings.

I’m a good student though sometimes a slow learner. Repeated trips to these strange places taught me much about who I am and the power I possess. I know who I am and why I’m here. What took me a while to realize is another level and meaning to the description of magic plants. The magic is there for you to claim, if you want it. And it’s your choice of how you want to use that power. The maestro don Howard would hint at this in his introductions to the retreats he held. I was always curious about what he meant and then being a student of the plants, eventually I realized what he was talking about. My spiritual brother Parker accelerated the process when he’d tell me that, “Things start happening for you instead of to you.” This statement was an acknowledgment of the unfolding of the magic that was temporarily beyond your grasp or maybe we just didn’t want to admit it at that point in time. Things start happening for you because subconsciously you direct the play toward outcomes you wish. Unintended consequences are always part of the stew, so sometimes it’s best to leave it be. You get what you want and can leave a trail of destruction in your wake.

My sixth trip to Peru in 2020 led me to an unfolding of the magic at a different level. I finally got past my trepidation of the darkness that these substances inculcate. I reconciled with the darkness and when he came during ceremony, I started to befriend him instead of cycling into a psychotic puddle. This deep energy from within the recesses of my being would rise to the surface and the power being expressed was quite evident. There was another level to these plants. I was onto the mystery and ready to explore. Upon returning home, I noticed when desires would rise within me, I would be presented with opportunities to satiate them. Is that what you want? How about this? I should have clued in earlier. After my first trip to Peru in 2013, I was given the answer to an unanswered millennials old question. All I had to do was ask and I got the answer. The fact I didn’t abuse the privilege prevented me from clearly seeing the magic available to me, however I also established a trust with my multiple psychic manifestations that I wouldn’t go mad or abuse power. I let it go and continued on my spiritual journey up the mountain. I was intent on venerating the Great Goddess and not interested in the power aspect of the plants. Eventually, the magic power available was in my face and being an intrepid explorer, I knew I had to see what this was.

This last trip to Peru and the return to my everyday life while still in the arms of the strongest medicine I have ever drank has allowed me to be witness to the unfolding of the magic and then unpack how it is used by not only myself but by others. I learned that plant medicines are called magical because they unlock your potential to manipulate people and events to get what you want. The magic is not only being able to see into the occult, but also to see the power in you that at first scares you silly. Eventually, you learn that untapped power is the director of the play, and it is you. You can shape your adventure into what you wish, or you can just let the game unfold. The temptation is to grab the cheat codes to life and have more control over the direction of your life. I mean we all do that in a way with the pursuit of wealth which will give us power. We then use the economic power to control outcomes and make our lives how we wish to live. Unlocking the magic within allows you to access whatever you want, as well as learning there’s still a reciprocal element to the process. What that means is the unintended consequences which result from getting what you want. It's best to address them before the whole construct blows up in your face.

The above was a primer to the past weekend where I ate some magic mushrooms and had an unexpected intense experience. The dose was less than a gram and shouldn’t have brought on such a psychedelic mindset. The experience that threw me for a bit of a loop lasted only a wave of the medicine to which I was grateful. I had thoughts of four hours of this uncomfortable teaching energy and wasn’t thrilled. As I sank into the weight of the alteration of consciousness, I became a little distraught knowing I’ll see things I don’t want to see. I want knowledge though and here it was coming, naked and true. The magic in magic mushrooms was on full display. I went into the magic and hypnotic realm of the weird and looked into the soul of my fellow adventurer. I saw the darkness within them and how they wanted to use it to hypnotize and manipulate. That challenge is the fire and attraction which brings us together. It is a game because it doesn't work on me. Well, maybe at first but the resources within me and my own abilities will recognize the process. Ultimately, it is liberating because the subsequent acknowledgement that feelings are authentic, true, and not under a spell allows you to see what it is you want. Another lesson was that many cultivate this magic, some don’t even know they are doing it, and then the game is to keep the spell going as long as possible. Once it wears off and can’t be renewed, the whole edifice comes crashing down.

I know of my magic and this past week my intention has been to cultivate this magic further. Less than a week after setting this intention, here I was on a beach in April with magic mushrooms and tobacco snuff pouring this magic energy out of me with the waves of the lake picking up on the outpouring of my energy and crashing into the shore. This is all a culmination of the magic plant having revealed to me the strength of the magic possessed by a fellow journeyer. When I realized the awesomeness of this knowledge I was being shown, I sank into it. I saw the hypnotic spells of a practicing witch. I saw the curiosity of one whose dependable machinations to get what they want wasn’t working. The hypnosis wasn’t doing its thing and the magic was being thwarted. If there was any doubt about my power, this little outing put it to rest.

I know I can’t be hypnotized. It makes life less enjoyable at times. I can’t dance because I rebel against hypnotic rhythms. I sometimes pretend to be enchanted in order that I can lose myself in the moment and go with the flow. However, with the initial use of Ayahuasca I constantly commented within ceremony, then later while writing about the experience, how hypnotic the experience is. The feminine Goddess present with Ayahuasca wants to take you into her world and charms and she does this through hypnosis. I could never fully let go into the spell. I allowed her medicine to break the spell of life and culture in order to free myself from that world but once free I wasn’t going under another spell. When I first encountered the depths of the darkness within, once again this was highly hypnotic and full of dark magic. Playing cards of a neon green were spinning above me and an odd sound was filling up my auditory senses. Encountering this sleepy demon was the most frightening event in my life. I didn’t want to fall under his spell and so I ran out of the maloca into the dark jungle night, determined to escape the enchantment.

I flag the hypnotic elements of a plant medicine journey right away and now I play with it. I know how to make the session heaven and I know how to make it hell. I know how not to get scared and then to extract knowledge from the trip. This is what I did. Once I got past the discomfort of the darkness, I mined the experience. It was alchemical gold. I confirmed another’s magic charms and allowed myself to fully realize my power. It’s no longer buried and unlocked within the recesses of my psychic being. The power is in my hands now and I can do what I wish. I can play any game I want with it.

The witch I befriended is the human expression of a plant medicine. They take hold of you and can bring you to heaven or send you to hell. They are unpredictable rollercoasters. They have knowledge of medicinal plants and their uses. They always have a bag full of some kind of intoxicating aid in their game of spells. They know how to use their magic charms to try and get what they want. I see the attraction at both ends and what sustains it. I wanted a worthwhile playmate who could further my understanding of this most interesting game called life. A universe of magic that has been stamped out and redirected into this paradigm that the world is actually rational and can be explained by our physics. Ha! It’s not. This is a realm of magic, and it is waiting for you to rediscover. There has to be multiple compelling reasons for a soul to want to incarnate into this hell. The draw of magic to quench what it is you desire has to be a major catalyst. Even if you get a bad roll of the chance dice, you can always find the ways of the occult to redirect your journey back onto the path you wanted to take.

I realize I’m quite the enigma. I present as controllable but once the layers start to peel, the game changes and I’m revealed as the joker in the deck of cards. I’m the wild card you’d eventually run into. I play the fool in Tarot and convince others I don’t know who I am. They still don’t believe me when I flat out tell them who I am and that I know it. The master magicians of this world still think I’m asleep and under their spell. I was asleep but not under their spell. I just lacked knowledge. Once I saw the truth, I knew the game. I know that if I think I’m crazy, I’m not crazy. The pathology lies within thinking you're sane. The joker maintains his grip upon the game by embracing the madness. As the joker, I know the game being played and I go along with it. They don’t think I know, but I know. That’s the crazy part and the elixir to keep me sane.

When under the direct influence of a plant medicine, knowledge pours in. It can be so unbelievable I’m hesitant to accept it as fact. I have been a party to this enough and done the necessary validation checks that I accept it. When I take the knowledge literally then it can go off the rails. I do think there is some truth to taking it literally, but I know enough about the plants to realize the lesson is metaphorical, some would say a mystery to solve post experience. I don’t think plant medicine ever leaves you and thus slowly unveils the meaning to you. In addition, the knowledge the process unlocks makes you realize this journey is never ending. Just when you think you've discovered what it is you were looking for, another mystery presents itself in full view and entices you into its grasp, inviting you to explore further.

So, that’s my fantastical tale. You are under no obligation to believe it or think magic is real.

commuted

If you make near and dear friends in prison, then do you leave when your sentence is commuted? If your release from prison will hurt the ones you love, do you still do it or do you remain in prison with them? Maybe you leave so that they know to follow when it is their time. The weight on the heart must be great when you sense the truth and are shown the door to the freedom for which you have longed and waited while in chains.

The jailer and I are now friends. He has given me the key and I can leave if I want to. Why am I still here? I busy myself with attachments which mostly revolve around taking care of my responsibilities as head of a household. I keep involved with trivial matters in order to maintain a purpose. I don't want to let anyone down, nor do I want to extinguish the flame completely. I need a few things to light me up in order to stay invested. Greed doesn't do it anymore; I want to get rid of stuff. Food has become just a utility. Lust is cyclically interesting, but the attraction has run its course. I don't envy others as I know they don't know they are in prison. It goes back to the idea that you are in hell and how embarrassing it would be to find out you became famous in hell. Do I have pride? I take pleasure in a job well done. Ultimately, I know all will pass and to rest on your laurels is fools gold. I've never seen the purpose of rage and taking revenge on others. I have slowly learned to let it go and disengage. Do I want to head into the sunset of retirement and consume what is rightfully mine? Do I want to waste away while others serve me? I can't see that happening as being of service to others is where I have found anything that sustains a passion for life. I don't like the feeling of being a burden.

I just enumerated the seven deadly sins. They are a good guide towards understanding attachment and what keeps you in prison. The chance of fulfillment of desire is the drug that keeps you hypnotized so you don't see the bars on your jail cell. When you first see your chains, you will deny it. You will not believe it is so and run back to your master. Freedom is scary and will cause a great upset. Such a thing happened to me. I remember returning to work after scaring myself with losing my chains and feeling relief. I just wanted things to go back to how they were. I felt I never should have gone exploring. Eventually, I returned to the perturbation of consciousness, again the veil was lifted, and this time I broke the spell.

I laugh because it's what I wanted though it causes the game to lose its meaning. I wanted to know, and the result was the purpose of the game evaporates. We are here to fulfill our desires. The carnival of the seven deadly sins allows us to get our fill. When you tire of the carnival you are free to leave. Chains are a device of your own making. You put them on, and you can take them off when you are ready.

I have walked the path back home and the garden of the heart is just up ahead. It's the next turn-off on the highway of life. What's left? I've gone through the gamut of possibilities, and I've seen the answer. To remain is to be of service in order to wake up and help the others who want to awaken. To lead by example and if someone is curious about the path then to offer help. No two paths are the same and so I can point someone in the direction that will lead them to the difficult truth, if that is what they seek.

it was always tantra

Little clues always present to me situations which help me to see into the game of suffering. So, here’s the teaching: I play a fantasy baseball game and my team is pretty good. However, when adversity strikes and I’m losing, it gives me a frustrating feeling that I don’t like, especially in the morning if I wake up to failure or bad news. What is interesting is that the failure and bad news for my team is the opposite for my opponent. It’s such a great example of how the suffering in the world works. In order for someone to prosper, someone else has to feel the effects of not getting what they want. If I stop playing these games of one-upmanship then I can bring everything back to net-zero. No pleasure and no pain. The question becomes is that what I want? I get the feeling I/we wouldn’t have manifested if that’s what I/we want. This plane of consciousness is physical duality and it attracts because of the chance for great rewards in a most interesting game. It’s the greatest carnival that has ever existed. It’s the ultimate casino giving you the opportunity to beat the games of chance or perhaps you can use your skills to get ahead and profit off of the suffering of others. They are fair game because they chose to play as well. We are here because we want to be here and experience sensuous duality.

It works similarly with projecting an image of yourself. If someone notices you then chances are they want to become you, possess you, or emulate your life; or alternatively not end up down in the dumps like you if you are depressed or economically disadvantaged. To bask in your awesomeness means taking personal power from someone else. Hey, check out my life, don’t you wish you were me? I have to create an aura of suffering in order to pedestalize myself.

This segues into the next question: What is the reason behind taking a vow of poverty? Why do all the great religious avatars turn away from materialism? In the progression of thought as you come to realize the inescapability of suffering being intertwined with rewards and pleasure, at some point you are faced with a decision that in order to not cause any more suffering would mean essentially that you would no longer seek gain. Poverty is the expression of that sentiment demonstrating you want to escape the game. Knowing that to acquire finite material goods takes away from others, you vow to not participate in activities that will materially enrich you. It's quite the quandary when you realize that the world you have incarnated into demands reconciliation. There’s no escaping this duality of pain and gain.

I didn’t know about this eventual understanding when I embarked upon the spiritual path. I could have sworn my journey would lead me to love, light, and transcendence of my condition. Instead, I get to face the harsh truth of existence. However, I think it’s what I ultimately wanted. I wanted to know. I wonder how liberation can alleviate the pain I see in the world and in the future? Can I take solace in that those who suffer and are feeling this pain is because they haven’t been liberated, think they need more, and haven't accepted the finiteness of the game we are all playing? Is the way out of any predicament you find yourself in thus to not get attached to outcomes that are the result of what you have been told is success? Within your little corner of the earth can anyone just create a life that is simple and fulfilling? Travel is very enlightening in this regard. Comparing your situation to others seems to be where the problems begin and the want to acquire as much material wealth as possible causes the continual suffering. Suffering to yourself and others.

Why is there suffering? Duality and the need to reconcile all acts. I was born into this particular dualistic plane of consciousness with specific senses that will allow me to sink into my desires. The enchantments and addictions are never ending. I constantly seek novelty and another hit of pleasure. If I fully want to go into my desires there are avenues of drugs and like-minded lustful people to satisfy my cravings. It was I who wanted this and so into the world of suffering I incarnated because in order to experience pleasure there has to be the reciprocal pain, so, yes I understand how it works. We all come into this world to experience and be lit up by desire. And even so, we still find present universal love. Sure, we can pervert it and use it to sink further into our desire quest but it is always around as a shining light to help us out of the morass.

Moderation seems to allow you to function in this peculiar world. Let’s be honest, I want the biggest thrill possible. I want to ride that roller-coaster of emotions and experience the highest high. I don’t want the lowest low but I can’t escape it in order to get that high. Moderation also seems to be a way to live in denial of why I incarnated in the first place. I don’t think you’ll get an award or rewards for your exemplary moderation. So, what’s the way to win this game? What’s the way out? I think it’s understanding the relationship between happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain, which leads to an understanding of reconciliation and reciprocity. If you are going to take, you give. Instead of living with moderation where you only take a good amount of food instead of the whole pie, you play net-zero where with each meal taken is given back an exchange of energy. Of course, as a linear thinking man I’d want to micro-manage the exchange and create a scalable system that enforces reciprocity. Ultimately, I think it defeats the purpose. Awareness should get the ball rolling, the opening of your heart will provide the impetus, and a natural desire to give back would be the result.

So, I’m subsequently thinking about planes of consciousness and how it all exists here in the now, everything is with me right here in the middle, but the senses I have been gifted with create my particular world. Psychedelics give you the key to unlock and access a hidden sense perception beyond our ordinary physical senses. The eternal and imperishable beings of love and light I met in an altered state aren’t in some far-off magical land but are here right now with me. I just don’t perceive them with my limited senses. The senses I have are the senses I desired in order that I could fulfill my desires and remain ignorant of planes of consciousness that would prevent me from satiating my many and varied appetites. I wanted to go deep into my lusts and figure out the why and the result of chasing them. Conceptually, I get it! Physically, in this carnival, I long for more cotton candy and another ride on the roller coaster. I don’t know when I’ll give it up or even if I can? I’m aware and I laugh at my predicament. I can watch others fall for the same traps. Hell, of course they do. We all stood in line waiting for a body to inhabit in order to take another ride. Then we create rules to frustrate ourselves. Why not just open it up and make it a free for all? Go right into your desires. I know why - it’s because you’ll infringe on someone else's trip and that’s a no-no. Also, you have to be on the lookout for the control freaks who get their jollies from controlling others. They gravitate towards politics and seek power. These people really suck.

This challenge is unfair. I’m a pulsing bastion of desire. I burn through them only to be confronted and lit up by more. I take the immediate pleasure and try to delay the consequences for as long as possible. Ha ha! I always have to reconcile the pleasure chase! Do I stand back and say, “Nah I’m not doing that; I know the outcome. I’ve been down this road before.” I did that during an Ayahuasca journey. I was repeatedly offered women for my pleasure and I declined. Instead, I said I’m going to stand back and watch it all unfold. Perhaps that me was helping me out. Dionysos teaches the same lesson. Stand back and observe the madness, even join back into the clown world but don’t get trapped and you won’t if you see through the game. Life is a game of enchantment and spells, moving from one to the other, always in search of more novelty, another mountain to climb, until you tire of it. Have I tired of it? I’m getting there. What do I desire? More knowledge I can transmute into understanding. Is that really a desire? Probably. I can’t escape.

Energy that pulses ostensibly with desire is what gives life. When desire wanes, you have death and a rest in peace getting ready for the next adventure. Life is desire and the games we play are a check on eternal boredom. This plane of consciousness is sacred and the grand carnival we all take a turn at. We don’t go every day, however, a trip once a summer is good. When it gets out of hand it leads towards destruction. If I can destroy myself I won’t have to face the ups and downs of that roller-coaster again in this lifetime. I keep forgetting how painful it is and lineup for the next ride and the thrill of it all.

There is a strange split in the pleasure/pain dichotomy in that the pain lasts way longer than the pleasure. In order to keep the pleasure going demands resources, while the pain is free. When regret sinks in we use attachment to dull its effects. The pull for pleasure is so strong we take the risk and live with the consequences. We are an impulsive species always living for the thrill of the moment and having to pay for it later. This behaviour is a clue into our makeup and of course why we are here in the physical world craving the gratification of sensual pleasures available in this meat carnival. It has to be the explanation why each and every one of us are here therefore you can look into everyone’s eyes and say, “You dirty rotten scoundrel. I know why you are here! You’re in search of pleasure just like I am and want to get your fill before departing once again. What an interesting game and character you’re playing so I don’t see through it! How degenerate and disgusting we all really are." Ha ha! There’s nothing to do but laugh and tip your cap to the master dramatist Dionysos.

The reality of it all is I’m in the physical plane with a bunch of degenerates. We were all attracted by the bright lights of the incarnation because we haven’t totally gorged on our sensual fill yet. It’s like the circus that comes to town once a year with the rides and games of chance. It’s exciting and against our better judgment we head off to the centre of town to join in the fun with everyone else. We fill up on cotton candy and the dodgy rides make us a little queasy. A candy apple later and we have a stomach ache. We empty our pockets on games of chance even though we knew it was a losing proposition. We end the day by watching the circus freaks. How macabre.

Incarnating into this world where you have to eat others to survive is also macabre. There’s no getting around it either! It’s part of the game rules we agreed to. We try and skirt the issue by only eating plants with the caveat the vegetarian is likely to become ultra-spiritual, do western yoga, and realize the intelligence of plants thus confronted once again by having to eat fellow sentient beings.

I create a persona to try and hide the fact I’ve incarnated into the sensuous world as a satyr, seeking pleasure, and trying to moderate the pain. I join outfits that paint me as a respectable member of human society, misdirection I suppose, and if the realization of my hedonism gets to me I might just join the church which promises to forgive and save me from the inner guilt that I like pleasure and rewards. It’s all too funny. Why do I care that my motivation is pleasure and think I’m being judged for it by others who can play a similar game of obfuscation of why they are truly here in this strange world? It’s been a long time coming to finally accept this paradigm. I think I did realize it at some point when I tried to escape my predicament. I tried the ascetic life; I stopped eating meat; and I dropped the consumption of alcohol. I didn’t go around posting social media blurbs about my newfound awesomeness however I was quite proud of the straw house of purity I created until the big bad wolf came around and blew the walls down.

How truly bizarre this world is especially now that I can look into the eyes of my fellow incarnated souls in this carnival and know deep down their motivation for being here. It truly is what we wanted and the universe always fulfills what we want. I guess the advice is to be careful what you wish for because as beings of desire you will get what you want. We all wanted this opportunity; the game rules were given to us with no guarantees. No one really likes a game with a predetermined outcome so there had to be an element of chance; the possibility you may end up in a war-torn shithole you had to crawl out of. I got a pretty good roll of the celestial dice and ended up a white, middle class male in the best country on earth! I’ve done well with it and figured out the game. Time to give some of it back and be of service. The Great Goddess teaches me about being true of speech and action. There is something to be said about the saying that the truth shall set you free. Eventually, when you look into her mirror enough times, you drop the act, and see it. It’s liberating to understand, with the corollary I don’t have to beat myself up anymore for my failures that are only inadequacies because of culture. I’m just here getting my fill of desire in this physical world designed to make it all happen, just for you. Enough trips to the carnival and I see it; it was bound to happen.

Bon Appétit!

This was a long post intended to reconcile desire. I now fully understand sexual desire leads to creating new forms, which is the weaving together of energetic patters, and that is the fundamental nature of Tantra. Without the root desire to enable the creation of form, the desire inherent in all energetic being would have no playground in which to fulfill, well, their desires. 

why?

Why do we incarnate? My perception due to lived experience is we desire it. We are attracted by the bright lights and adventure of the carnival that beckons to us and we keep falling for it. I can only speculate why but based upon experience I’d say it is because we haven’t mastered desire and therefore we keep falling for the same tricks to get us to continue to inhabit a meat body and help spin the collective hamster wheel. It fits in with what I think the purpose of life is. I don’t think there is a purpose however if you wish to transcend this ceaseless coming and going then you have to master the pull of desire that keeps sucking you in. Adventure seems like a good idea at the time until the suffering commences. And the fears. All that stuff, with no way out of the trap, so some try and make the best of it. We have to eat others to survive. Loved ones die and leave us to face the world alone. Desire brought us here and desire motivates us to continue onwards. We seek power in order to maximize control over our situation and fulfill desires. That’s why we do it.

Examining all of this, it becomes clear the way out is to master desire. I’ve tried the go to methods of bypassing desire or even welcoming it to try and figure it out. I couldn’t transcend it that’s for sure. Thoughts of power and being able to control outcomes leads to trying to accumulate wealth. Vegetarianism doubled down on my hypocrisy and made me weak. Bouts of asceticism only delayed the inevitable biological return. One thing I learned from these situations is how strong my mind is and how I have a lot of inner fortitude however I learned desire will always return once you open the door a crack. And it just gets worse. I embraced desire and tried to make a truce to control it. It just demanded more. All I was left with was frustration. How can I complete the spiritual climb with this hanging over me?

The most rewarding thing about this journey I have been on for over a decade is I do get answers. In this case, it took a long time right up to the point I exhausted all avenues of exploration and faced ignominious defeat. I finally got it one night and broke the spell. Desires are spells; they are hypnotic and at times irrational. I think a rational look at them probably reveals that to the casual observer but until you get under one of its spells, understanding is evasive. We do call them addictions which is a modern way of describing something the ancients relegated to the realm of magic. What do you think love magic is? It’s to get someone to become enchanted by another. In other words, addicted to them with the result the other can play them like the proverbial fiddle. The way I learned to get out of these traps is through mastery. Our base desires we will never transcend but instead of being the weak puppet you become the strong master. Desire preys on the weak, so cultivate strength. Recognize we easily are enchanted and welcome desire because of the initial hit of pleasure it brings.

To break free of the hold desire has on you is to snap out of the hypnosis. In my experience, the Tantrics have the answer and it was confirmed in an Ayahuasca ceremony. It’s to go straight into it. Put the pedal to the metal and go as fast as you can until you crash. It’s very risky as who knows what the immediate outcome of the crash is? So, here I sat in a ceremony and my vision was one of driving up a mountain at high speed past yellow lights, red lights, cop cars, and roadblocks but no matter I just kept accelerating. My initial take away suggested I was out of control and hell-bent upon my own destruction. There was truth to that and so that was my take away as a warning to slow down. Mother Ayahuasca however knew full well she was pointing out something I already knew but was helpless to stop. I’d already tried all the methods as described above. The real meaning of the vision as I understand it now was to accelerate, go for it headlong, and crash. That’s what I did. The full-stop crash broke the spell life and the darkness had over me and I was bestowed with great clarity therefore I saw how stupid and nonsensical all my addictions were. I regained control and a sense of liberation washed over me. I felt and tasted freedom. I was free to act on my accord and not the influence of other actors.

Desire is why we do it. It’s why we enable the ceaseless coming and goings. Ultimately, desire is the master tool of the master teacher. In order to be free, you too must become the master. Desire is what makes the world go around but it doesn’t need to spin you around like a top and take you along for the ride. Desire is power, a lot of it. Is power ultimately a bad thing? I mean it has allowed me to take control of my inner life and wrestle it away from the demons within. Ultimately, control falls from one hand to another. I would think at some point after everything falls away, control is to be ceded as well.

Self-mastery puts you on the doorstep to gobs of power. Being free from desires gives you the key to the source of their influence. The question is what will you do with this knowledge and acquisition of power? Do you continue the game, turn the tables, and use it to get what you want, thus putting you back into the clutches of the desire demons and the game? Power becomes a high brow game, elevated from the common desire one you were playing. The answer is simple if you have to ask. Let it be. If you don’t have to ask or grab it, it’s already yours. The power of no power.

What is hidden behind the pursuit of power is the ultimate quest to be free. The maximum power you can obtain is realized through giving it all away and becoming impervious to the chase and attainment of power. Eventually understood is power ends up controlling you and once you see the secret of the game is to be free, well, then you naturally decline the trappings of power because it will suck you right back into where you started on this quest to be free.

free will and magic

What is magic? At its most basic definition it is the ability to control through supernatural means. Often the means are accomplished through the mind by putting to use spells, enrapturing someone through language, bewitching them with certain intoxicants, or getting someone to buy into a belief from which you can then control their behaviour somewhat. It takes two to tango though and the seduction usually isn’t a one way street. A love spell can’t work without a spark. Shamans can’t have a supernatural battle if one isn’t playing along. Break this down further and the use of magic is to control and this leads back to power and our desire to obtain it. As a species we have concentrated power down into money and we use that as a means of control. There are people who will do anything for money. It used to be gold but that became a hoarded commodity so we invented currency which can be easily manipulated and inflated by fiat in order to keep people lusting after it but never having enough. Having free will on the other hand is freedom from coercion so you can operate on your own accord, if that is really at all possible. It isn’t, there is a definite culture spell which has influence and will speak up through that voice in the head when you try to break free of it, but at least there is a degree of freedom that allows you the opportunity to create your own karma.

Much like money, magic can be used to help or for selfish things. With life experience we recognize the best way to deal with power is to be of service; to help others unconditionally and not use it to aggrandize the self. I said we recognize that but left with choice it is a different story, as history is witness to. If you drink enough plant medicines at some point this becomes clear and you will have to make a choice if you wish to continue down that road. There’s a fork in the road and the how to use the magic available is presented to you by the plants in a way you use your free will to decide your course of action. How ingenious is that? I went into drinking Ayahuasca thinking about I and came out of it thinking about We. Now on to moving mountains.

Religion is a magic spell and through ritual and group think the spell is maintained. When you look externally for answers you will find religion. You go looking for it and you enable the spell. It’s waiting for you but you are ultimately responsible for the choices you make. It all comes back to finding answers within but you have to go on the journey and look everywhere for the answer. Maybe then you can let go of the external, even if it means culture will malign you or go as far to damn you to hell.

Another form of magic is very subtle where others try to trap you into their story. You end up existing just to further someone else’s narrative. Try exiting out of this play and then you use your power of narrative to create your new and better world. You can always move and start over. Treat it as a near death experience however the death is the character and not the body; a video game where you have more lives. The succeeding life gathers up the narrative from the preceding life and carries on with it reshaping it into the drama you wish to follow. In someone else's narrative you are now pretty much dead. Things start happening for you and you will feel events and the world does revolve around you. You will rise again, play a new a character influenced by the play and the stage where it is set. It is important to always remember you are the divine actor and can adapt and play any part. The empty stage is the fount of everything with all its possibilities. It is inviting you to join in the drama. Raise the curtain and perform your act.

Control is so overrated anyways and is the path to boredom. The fun part of the rollercoaster is the descent. The best part of sky diving is the free falling. We all are climbing that mountain trying to realize that unattainable ideal of ourself; the enlightenment that is just out of our grasp. Enlightenment is just so full of expectations. We wish to become self actualized with some kind of knowing and confidence in who we are and our destiny. When you free yourself from this then the liberty is realized as free falling. Freedom baby! Just make some plans so that you don’t do a full stop at the bottom, will ya? 

three times' the charm

Three times' the charm - cliche, spell? This can speak to the dissemination of falsehoods in that if you repeat a lie enough then eventually it becomes accepted. Salesmen learn this trick early; it requires a suspension or bypassing of that inner voice that might flag this as being dishonest and they learn to drown out that voice. The top sociopaths are masters at this and then beguile themselves into believing the lie. Referenced within this strange cliche are also language spells that reveal how easily humans can be fooled with words. As Terence McKenna proclaimed "The world is made of language!" It's true we bring this world into existence through the objectification of abstractions with flimsy boundaries of what constitutes the object and then we assign attributes to these abstractions using tricks of descriptive language. It would be an oversight if I did not lump the advertising industry in with this charming phrase. Not only do the pushers of product sell a lifestyle of expectation which appeals to our egos with their clever advertisements but the top manipulators know they must buy enough advertising time in order that their message is repeated and thus becomes one of those mental worms ingrained in the psyche of their unsuspecting victim. Television especially lulls you into a stupor so the hypnotic advertisement can do its work. The only downside to the advertiser is the hypnagogic ability of television to put you to sleep. No matter however, the message is repeated online, on highway billboards, on the transit system you use to get to work, and so on. Another trick is using the inability of most people to think on the spot, especially when challenged. In that case we resort to what is most easily recalled and this means spouting out one of these cliches or an easily remembered claim from a commercial. The ego being what it is and not wanting to be called out for changing its mind or thinking about something, will then double down on these beliefs regardless if they still or ever believed in them.

mind candy

Plant medicine ceremonies are very hypnotic and it is what my conscious awareness flags at the onset of the intoxication. With experience, and proper set and setting, you may learn to let go and trust, if not the plants and the ego mind will continually knock you hard in the head. I struggled with this aspect of the journey constantly as I was very wary of how hypnotic the whole experience can be. What I eventually learned is this mistrust is unavoidable if you engage the mind and I have flagged it in those situations because my mind has been front and centre to the experience. This "in your face" part of the ceremony is a good demonstration of scale. What I mean is that in contrast culture is a slow and methodical way of hypnotizing you and then to break free of this hold, which around mid-life we all get the urge to do, is very difficult because you have ensconced yourself so deep in it in every aspect of the life you have created for yourself. It is a major part of the whole character drama you are playing as Mr. or Mrs. Smith and all the expectations that are required of you to fulfill, lest the whispers begin about how you are surely not acting in character anymore. To break this spell is what I sense plant medicines, Ayahuasca and her shaman being the queen/master of this, are doing and they do it by reverse hypnosis. A heavy induction is required to break the spell. So I think part of the human experience is recognizing this and how easily your mind is manipulated. And once learning this caution at some point you disengage the mind but it is difficult because the human mind is fascinating and it likes candy. The only way out is to to disengage and sit there in awareness. As soon as you engage the mind you start to separate things and create feedback loops of thinking about thoughts. It is by observation that you remember you are everything and that the world we live in is the biggest stage for the grandest drama of all.