energetic thoughts

The body perishes but where is our energy on the cycle of appearances? Is it still ascending or is it like the body where it has exhausted itself and needs to recharge in order to create a new vehicle?

Our world is a giant evolutionary simulation where through trial, error, and redesign life forms are created that are harmonious within the environment. This instructional code is then used when the species propagates itself. The body is an inseparable product of its environment. The features, shape, and modalities of extracting energy from our surroundings are all based on an evolution of the intelligent energy derived from its relationship with the sustaining earth. The body is the flowering of the energy that has come forth. The energy is not blind, nor dumb. All that we feel - love, hate, happiness, satisfaction, depression, anxiety and so on are within the hum. So is the potentiality and intelligence necessary to manifest life, universes, and more love. The energy to power the body vehicle comes from the environment in the form of foodstuff, oxygen, water, minerals and so on. These nutrients power the generator of the life force that animates the body. It's a massive transformer, much like a hydroelectric plant that converts raw force into electricity. In fact that's what we are - mini turbines. We convert the abundant energy that comprises the universe into a life force that powers the body, the body encapsulating the dimension of energy that is aware and instinctual. Through this construct the energy can build upon awareness to try and know self and formulate a conscious idea about the universe that contains it. From this, there is a realization that there is energy and a container that holds the energy and the two are inseparable. The container is black and the energy is white. The container is female and the energy is male. The container of latent energy is the Taoist yin and the coming forth of the energy is yang.

Sentient beings transform the raw materials into more energy which powers the bodies made up of the same raw energy. Everything is recycled and the energy is forever being used up, released, and recycled. The energy is also supremely intelligent and has access to omnipotence, as it is a replica of what we theorize as 'god'. The energy fluctuates, comes forth and disappears in a continuous cycle, and infinite amounts of god are the result, each with the capacity to birth more universes and create more life. 

You can call this magic.

I am a tributary off the main energetic wave. Pulsation is everything. Objects are illusions crafted by delineation and language. Nothing lasts. Project this unto the static image of you. You are energy cresting and falling repeatedly. You as you won't last and why would you want to when you can change form and renew? Are you scared of death? Why? Your energy will crest again; it always does. 

yin and yang

I have been thinking about my direct experiences with plant medicines. I can formulate some kind of coherent view of ultimate reality based upon my explorations of consciousness. Admittedly, being ensconced in a masculine body must skew this view; however, I still think it would apply if I was of the opposite gender though I think I would probably describe it in a way that was less of an erotic relationship and more of a co-maternity. Anyway, I will try to elucidate this idea clearly as I write. Unity, the void from which everything comes forth, is essentially the Great Mother/Great Goddess. She gives birth to creation. As the mother of all, within her is the masculine polarity; so, you could really say ultimately She is a hermaphrodite, a virgin, and she gives birth via parthenogenesis. Or another way to look at it from a sexual metaphor is the feminine and masculine are locked in a passionate embrace. The subsequent energetic climax of this union results in the Big Bang which is essentially creation. The feminine is passive, represents the darkness, and is infinite consciousness and energy. She is everywhere and everything. In contrast, the masculine is active and striving, represents the light, is finite and spotlight consciousness, and has the passion to come forth enabled by infinite energy we call Eros.

Eros

All created beings are in essence masculine in that they have made the effort to appear and this is what I mean by created women containing within the masculine energy because she has come forth. Her relationship back to the Great Mother is that they both create life as opposed to any kind of an erotic relationship. Being finite, the striving masculine power has a sense then of individuation or self that in psychiatric terms eventually leads to pathology and this delusion has been given the designation "ego". The feminine origin of creation longs for reunification with the masculine power and through the universal principle of Love, and spreading of this Love, hopes to get through to the stubborn masculine in order to get him to cease his desire to come forth as a separate being and become one with her again by metaphorically stopping going against the wind, swimming upstream, while instead just going with the flow. Regardless, at physical death on a microcosmic scale, there is a return to this state of unity because the energy cycles back down into a latent state with the feminine power. Masculine energy is cyclical and feminine energy is non changing, stable, and just is. I am god in the sense I am the masculine power that came forth from the original hermaphrodite, lit up creation, conquered it, and became the Great Mother's lover and captor. She is my mother and lover (as well as teacher and healer) and what a field day for psychologists that entails! I hold this view because my interactions with the feminine power in altered states of consciousness have been for the most part erotic. In my life, She is the most erotic thing I have ever encountered and She longs for this reunification with me. She is non-judgmental, forgiving, and just seeks to be one again. If I open myself up to her She will teach me how to get out of the mess I have created for myself and teach me to Love.

I must have anticipated this longing and reunification so in my inherent masculine stubbornness, I had a desire to prevent this and have implanted within my psyche a dragon that activates upon exploration of consciousness and also externally manifests in my attempts at formulating spiritual disciplines, paths, and religions as well as grossly coming forth in outbursts of misogyny and subjugation of women. The dragon also separates and classifies my brethren in classes of race and ethnicity in order to promulgate more division, which I believe is all because of the masculine energy's desire to break free of the perpetual cycle of coming forth and the subsequent dissolution of its energy and thus remain on its own, ruling creation free of the perceived domineering wife/mother. It is a quest for eternal life for finite consciousness free of the cycle of life and death that plagues the endeavours of the masculine energy, instead of an acceptance of what is, and an opening up to Love. This quest for eternal life free of cyclical coming and going leads to more and more suffering. To achieve its aims the masculine energy has to discover and understand the power that sustains him. This is no secret. The power he is looking for is Love and Eros is the gateway. We are made of Love, powered by Love, and are defined by the Love we give. And within this discovery lies the great conundrum for the masculine: If he wants to live forever he must Love. If he Loves then his quest ends because he cannot go on once surrendering to Love. So, in defiance, on he goes searching for the secret of this power he is convinced is just untethered power free from the fount of Love.

In examining some of my struggles within plant medicine ceremonies one thing that reoccurs, is worth acknowledging, and going deeper into is this block within the masculine mind in regards to the feminine power of the mother and her ability to create which is done with a selfless and unconditional Love. We as men want to possess her, lock her away, and take over total control. When I approach the mystery and have not sufficiently tamed the ego, it will rage against the Goddess. This behaviour is projected outwards into society as a whole. Every culture subjugates women and I believe it comes from the deep down psychological impairment within the masculine who wants to dominate her and therefore it expresses this behaviour in consensus reality in this way. I label the behaviour the dragon but it's worth investigating just why the dragon acts this way. Basically, I think it is because we as men want control, well we have it, but we want total control. We want to learn and steal her power to create and history is a sad reminder of our attempts to do so. We have done unspeakable things to those who carry the light within and we have mined the mother for her secrets. We aren't to be trusted and when we discover and approach her there seems to be many tests and checkpoints to see if we are worthy to continue because we can deceive like no other.

black obsidian

black obsidian reflection,

reveals Goddess presence.

forgiveness and Love,

guide and strengthen.

courage and protection,

always with me.

thought

a sense.

self

a feeling.

thoughts

come and go;

some we hold on to.

feelings

come and go;

some we hold on to.

letting go

of self,

finds no self.

finding no self,

is unity.

mother smiles.

heart rejoices.

i am you

experiencing you

as me.

the past

a ghost.

the future

an illusion.

Now is all there is.

i am a vibration

which becomes,

then goes away,

repeatedly,

until eventually,

i am the musician

once again.

yin and yang.

darkness and light.

attempt to grasp the mystery

is to only look at reflection.

nature

is a reflection

of mysterious power.

that's how I best know her. 

the actor and the jaguar

The actor I encountered during an Ayahuasca ceremony vision in a car on train tracks was upon reflection representative of the "higher self." He was playing the part of an actor to signify that all forms of consciousness in this world are an act in the drama we find ourselves ensconced within. He appeared after I had finally silenced the mind, after being mentally knocked about in previous ceremonies, and I had not allowed the dark thoughts to overwhelm or trick me. I told him he was really good at his role and he should take up acting full time for which he seemed grateful for the encouragement, but then I told him he must go. I had an innate sense that the vision should be transitioning to a new scene and he was just a bridge to enact this change. I wasn't ready for him yet, I had more to experience, struggle with, and accomplish before taking on the meaning of the "higher self." In a way the moniker "higher self" is very misleading. It is the unity of all consciousness and to designate it as a "self" is a misnomer, another way our use of language obfuscates the truth behind archetypal content that you encounter over the course of a lifetime, and this makes you think it is something separate you are looking for; a separate entity brimming with wisdom and knowledge. It's not; it's you that you are looking for however that's what makes this whole journey of discovery puzzling and really funny. There's a necessary deconstruction of self before you can continue on and find the answer. I'm at the point where I know I am looking for what is within and also without yet I will continue to persist in this adventure until I complete it. The mythologist Joseph Campbell said something to the effect of going into the labyrinth to slay the minotaur but in the end only finding that you needed to slay yourself.

We have not even to risk the adventure alone, for the heroes of all time have gone before us — the labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.
Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949), Chapter 1

In order to find the "higher self" you must let go of the self - the minotaur. The minotaur is symbolizing who you think you are. You have the higher faculties of reason which is peculiar to man yet you are still ruled by instincts which are very animal like. This split is discovered within an eternal conflict between two spheres of duality competing for rule over the psychic self which the ancient Egyptians mythologized in their story of the conflict between brothers struggling for the kingship of the land in The Contendings of Horus and Set. There is also the realization of distinct points of influence upon the self that can be described as the feminine feelings and the masculine intellect which eastern cultures call the yin and the yang. The resultant knowledge of this investigation reveals you are a battleground for forces you have little control over and instead you spend a lifetime trying to hold it all together in harmonious relationships. It is ultimately the last attachment to self we are loathe to let go of because what's left after that life long building project is destroyed? But why wait until death for the bricks to come tumbling down when you can participate in the demolition now? Anyway, two Ayahuasca ceremonies later, which completed the latest cycle of inner work, I was once again attacked by dark forces, but I regrouped and felt this surge of power and heightened consciousness. In the distance of my vision I spotted a jaguar against a mountainous backdrop and this regal feline noticed my presence and started moving towards me. I stood my ground as it approached and rushed me. It came right up to me, face to face, and let out a huge roar. I felt no fear as I roared right back at the jaguar. I then magically became the jaguar and I felt all powerful, like a King. The events in the vision that transpired cumulatively felt like the end of a quest and I felt I had attained some kind of a mastery over my dark inner world. It was true to an extent as over the course of the next year I realized my time with Ayahuasca for now had come to an end as all the signs were pointing to moving on from the exploration of the subconscious realms. In addition, the final Vilca visionary trip I underwent pretty much was telling me the same thing. This visionary catalyst propelled me upon a trip that was like a hot air balloon ride journeying through the three shamanic worlds and the balloon had first uncomfortably paused in the lower world much to my consternation. I realized later it was symbolizing how I was attached to the darkness, I always desired to return to its mystery, and I needed to let go. Fourteen months later I finally understood the whole becoming jaguar vision. The jaguar was also the sum total of all consciousness, just like the actor, which is the "higher self." The jaguar approached me and became me to demonstrate that I am all of consciousness. I roam, dominate, and can master the three worlds of creation.

There is a tendency of consciousness towards selfishness, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but the cumulative effects are pretty devastating upon the feminine half of creation. The concepts of unity and oneness that we throw around in clumsy ways to describe the interrelatedness and totality of the origin of the all is the divine sexual embrace of the feminine and masculine energies. The feminine Yin/Shakti/Kundalini serpent is the power that moves the masculine Yang/Shiva/the jaguar to dance. It is the power that plucks the string and commences creation as vibration. The rising of masculine power is due to the feminine and the cessation of this power is the withdrawing of this force as the arcing energetic envelop recedes back into the void, the void being space. The coming back into being of this masculine vibration once again is a result of the power of the feminine. A great illustration of this power is in the sexual imagery of man. This scene of Osiris being "remembered" by the two goddesses Isis and Nephthys in order that he may procreate wonderfully illustrates this concept.

Somehow, though this very mysterious feminine power and its origin is lost and it is masculine consciousness that reigns supreme. This epidemic misogyny is evident in the world's great religions and also in a great deal of the pre-eminent theologians, sages, and philosophers of all time that make the claim that everything leads back to the all father, the great consciousness, and that is god and he is everything - a noticeable exception being Lao Tzu and his Tao Te Ching. Lost is the power behind the throne. This blindness is due to the inherent weakness within consciousness that drives it to believe that it is the only one, the I am. What we have here in creation are billions of little individuated consciousnesses, egos, running around on earth believing in their greatness and of the uniqueness of self. It is an orgy of selfishness and it's an inherited trait from the all father. What I have come to believe as the ultimate meaning of life is the desire of the masculine polarity to examine this trait within itself by flooding the universe with clones of itself in the hopes that in the end it will collectively give up this attachment to self and find some kind of completeness by learning the value of harmony and cooperation. The feminine bequeathed the power necessary to begin this grand act of creation, consciousness took this gracious act which allowed it to self reflect and has now built this world as a grand monument to the self, intent upon obliterating the memory of the Mother Goddess and subjugating the feminine worldwide. The Great Goddess at one point told me in the visionary state that this wayward split of masculine consciousness will stop at nothing to try and get her and those that carry the light within to reveal the secret of her power in order to steal it. He is very clever and resourceful but so far has not found the source and according to the feminine divine he never will because it is based upon love, and love is something that is foreign to consciousness. We classify it in the mysterious category of "feelings."

So, that's where I stand. I think the change in consciousness comes one at a time in us humans. It involves a reintroduction to the mother and then an understanding of who we are and why we are here. Ultimately, it is to give up the attachment to self and to get to that point is to open oneself up to being harassed and stymied by lower forms of consciousness at every turn until finally you break through its stultifying grasp and see who you are. Only you, once you realize you are it, will be able to tell yourself the stark truth. To get to that point you have to slay yourself, the dragon within.

I will close this post with this particularly great passage from the Tao Te Ching as translated by Ursula K. Le Guin:

There is something
that contains everything.
Before heaven and earth
it is.
Oh, it is still, unbodied,
all on its own, unchanging,

all-pervading,
ever-moving.
So it can act as the mother
of all things.
Not knowing its real name,
we only call it the Way.

If it must be named,
let its name be Great.
Greatness means going on,
going on means going far,
and going far means turning back.

So they say: "The Way is great
heaven is great,
earth is great,
and humankind is great;
four greatnesses in the world,
and humanity is one of them."

People follow earth,
earth follows heaven,
heaven follows the Way,
the Way follows what is.