initiation

Do you think you went through some kind of initiation ordeal?

I intuit a journey of some sort.

I call it the Hero's Journey, and there are touchstones which seem common and point towards the idea of an ordeal.

The plant medicine path is based a lot on surviving ordeals.

Drinking Ayahuasca is an ordeal that is somewhat romanticized.

The positives are stressed, and the negatives are downplayed.

At a retreat you can see participants tapping out after the third of four ceremonies.

That's enough.

I get that.

After the beatings from the first two you are hesitant for the third.

After that psychological struggle your mind says, "no mas."

Plant medicines are a part of the whole journey.

There are monsters to overcome.

Witches who appear in disguise with their methods and potions which are designed to capture and neutralize you.

You also must sail your ship on past Sirens and other attacks on your well-being.

They manifest in life as financial problems and difficult situations.

No one will understand, so it's useless to talk about it.

Another pilgrim will share your struggle, but they are immersed in trying to keep their head above water.

The limited understanding by close ones will flag you as having lost your mind and the remedy is a mental health professional who by the standards of their profession will immediately seek to disarm you through sedating drugs so that you will go back to sleep and fit into society.

You have lost your mind, so they aren't wrong.

It's the ego mind you are losing which tethers you to society.

The chains are loosened, and everyone can see that.

You escaped all that by keeping to yourself and avoiding the medical professionals.

There are sorcerers on the path as well.

They appear as well-intentioned friends on the path.

No one appears as who they really are.

If you are looking for a witch that plays the part, good luck.

Everyone has a weakness and if you stay strong, you can survive.

The way you lose this game is because of your own mind.

You will defeat yourself.

The obstacles on your path are excuses.

They are convenient ways to quit the game.

As long as you don't quit, you will be successful.

That's a difficult piece of knowledge to convey.

A monster or problem might seem insurmountable, but if you keep yourself in the game, you will conquer all.

In essence, the hero is fighting themself.

Yeah, it's ingenious.

Why do you want to do this?

At first, it's a calling.

What's the allure?

The calling.

Why?

Curiosity.

That's the hook?

Yes, because it offers a chance to figure out what life is all about.

Life is mundane and repetitive.

What's the point of all this struggling?

The constant pulse of life which has any meaning is reproduction and building a lineage.

Your biological signature lives on in your offspring.

You aren't physically around to see the fruits of your endeavours.

We all wonder what's the point?

Then you get a hint of something else.

It starts to appear in your life at non-intervals and soon blossoms into a calling.

You then heed the calling, or you return to your cultivated life.

If you have made a nice life for yourself, the calling will in all likelihood remain a curiosity you let be.

That seems like a fork in the road.

Yes, it's decision time.

Do I let go of my life and go all in on what is calling to me, or do I remain building my life within society?

At that point some people drop out, move to a place where there are other souls trying to figure it out, and form a spiritual community.

You did neither.

I chose both paths.

I kept my toes within society and headed out on the journey.

You can get away with it for a bit before it starts to become a little at odds with society.

You are placed under suspicion.

It's going to get worse the longer you continue your non-standard deviation from the herd.

The Covid pandemic helped me out a lot.

Yeah, others did not have a day to day alarm of something being off with you.

Instead, there were distant encounters where they would see it, but no follow up.

By the time the emergency had passed, you had stepped through the fire.

Well, I was irrevocably changed.

There was no going back.

I am that same person and I'm not that person anymore.

The essence is still the same.

The code is the same code.

The pattern is different.

The ones and zeroes are arranged differently to form a new pattern.

The ingenious part is I still look the same.

People look at me, see the same person as before, and notice something is different.

Humans are good at spotting anomalies and slight changes.

Why?

So, it can be rectified or expelled from the herd.

You are then asked to leave.

If that doesn't work, you are told to leave.

What do you do?

Some people leave.

They find the other outcasts and form a community.

There are a bunch of places to go.

What did you do?

Nothing.

Isn't that difficult?

For most, yes.

Why?

You are ostracized.

How did you manage this?

I was never involved with the community.

I kept to myself.

It was business as usual.

People went from being kind assholes to just being assholes.

It's always conditional acceptance.

As soon as you step out of line, they show their true colours.

I did my best to avoid people prior to awakening, and this served me well afterwards when I became ostracized.

It's great.

People leave me be.

Aren't you lonely?

I have myself.

Who are you?

Two minds.

I call them Dion and Paul.

Writing about it is a pressure release.

To me the conversations are so fascinating I feel compelled to record them.

Why?

They are out of this world.

Nobody talks about this stuff except for myself.

People are boring and have no depth to them.

Okay, so what's the point of all this?

The calling and knowledge.

Did you get to where you needed to be?

Yeah.

It was all initiation.

Why do you need to do it?

To see your intentions, to measure your fortitude, and to see if you can be trusted with the knowledge of magic.

Failure is expected.

So, you think you are the only one who can successfully pass this course?

Yes.

To pass is hard.

You fail a bunch of tests.

Sometimes you run.

Retreat.

You must know when to fail.

That's a test.

Failure sometimes is the only option, and this gets the overachievers and perfectionists.

They fail by refusing to fail.

So, you passed by failing?

Sometimes.

Where are you now?

I passed the course.

I graduated.

I completed the hero's journey.

What does that make you?

I'm the most high in the game.

You sound like you have delusions of grandeur.

For sure, is it a problem?

Yes, you think you are better than everyone else.

That's true, I am guilty.

Society doesn't want you to think that.

Why?

They control narrative and hierarchy.

If you step out of line, you are labelled as in psychosis.

Crazy.

Ah, I get it.

Freedom comes with a cost.

Yes, to have a free mind is to accept the consequences of being an outcast from society.

Get out and go live in a cabin in the woods.

I haven't done that.

How do you manage to remain in society?

I don't care.

It doesn't affect me.

Remember, I told you that only your own mind can beat you.

Yeah, why is that?

You will tell yourself a story and believe it.

The story you tell is of the conquering hero.

next level

They tried to physically kill you.

That didn't work.

Later in life they try to mentally kill you.

Who?

Society, culture, all that.

When you are younger and you don't fit in, the herd tries to get rid of you.

You are a danger to society.

When you get towards finishing the game, they try to mentally pressure you to leave.

A corporation exists because of its records, building, and people.

It can be virtual as well.

Without proof it exists, it doesn't exist.

It vanishes.

That's one way to disappear.

Society is hyper-focused on identity.

Without means of numbering and recording you, the system doesn't work.

They give you a name, number, and register you.

Before computers, they would keep a lot of records and count citizens.

It was easier to disappear.

In this reality you need the body, everything else is baggage.

It's personal history that holds you back.

Well, it grounds you.

I know what you're saying in that if you want to be free you would need to drop those attachments.

I see the game.

If you want to be the most high and soar, you would do that.

You can't do it.

Why?

You'll exit.

Becoming that free will lead to your removal from the game.

There's only so high you can get in this world.

It's what spiritual people don't understand.

You must stop at a certain point because if you keep going to Heliopolis you'll exit the game.

Ram Dass knew that.

That might be what you want.

Do you think that's what Parker wanted?

Not directly, but it was certainly where he was headed.

Don Howard was of service which kept him around.

Parker kept losing his opportunities to be of service.

He didn't want to stay.

Do you blame him?

No, subconsciously he did what he did.

Examine your life and you can get an idea of its direction.

What about you?

I don't want to be of service.

I'm tired of the spiritual game.

I got high, really high.

I got to the exit and saw it.

I got really low and saw that one as well.

I've done the Heaven and Hell thing.

I've seen it, and I know what happens when you do that.

To win this game is to get to one of those exits.

It's an impressive feat to do while in the body and not leave.

It's a spiritual accomplishment of the highest order.

People will get recognized for how great a player they are, and then they stupidly leave the game.

You get convinced it's the way to go.

Well, yeah, the pressure to go is insurmountable.

How did you not succumb?

I hate people, I avoided those clowns, and I did nothing.

I'm still here.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Do you want to disappear?

I play on the periphery.

Why?

Something to do.

Seriously?

It's a game.

I'm the best.

Paul is the best with help from Dion.

Is that why you don't have a Health Card?

Yes.

I mean you should have one, and it's not a big deal to go get one.

I don't want the identifiable baggage.

I must do my taxes, or they will lock me up.

To be free would mean not to do your taxes.

They will find you and lock you up.

It's a paradox.

To remain partially free is to burden yourself with the overtures of society.

Taxes ground you here in this reality.

You are explaining realities to yourself and how to go between them.

Yes.

When you get the most high in this world you are to exit with no way of returning.

It sucks because you see the game, go through the portal, and can't come back.

You see the game and the power to write your own story, however you left it on the table.

I thought only you have the power?

That is true.

How do others get that power?

They must believe they have it.

They don't believe it until after they walk through the portal and by then it's too late.

This is quite the fucking story.

I couldn't have made this up.

I experienced it and now I'm writing it down.

People won't believe me.

That's fine.

I'm going to end up in the bargain fiction bin.

Perfect.

You have seen the game, you know how to exit the game, and you know what keeps you here.

What about these different realities?

You get high and low and see them.

This ties into drugs and stories.

Yes.

You wanted to examine why you are attracted to Mary Jayne.

She shows you different realities by taking you up high and bringing you down low.

She's a rollercoaster.

I know women like that.

These realities become inviting to your mind and are another way you are pushed towards the exit.

It's part of the aging process which helps you leave when the body fails you.

Got it.

With drugs, you get there before your time.

Where is there?

The doorway to different realities.

Society programs two into you, which are Heaven and Hell.

I see that.

Those are two portals of high and low.

I'm guessing there are more.

Seven would be my guess.

Realities, yes.

There's infinite, but let's go with 7.

The ones at the top and bottom are Heaven and Hell.

Then there are the tweeners.

Can you go into and out of those realities?

No.

They must remain fantasy.

Why?

You will go crazy.

Your mind will be blown.

That sounds like fun.

A mind blow job.

Exactly.

Do you think you can do it?

Yes.

Why?

My mind can handle it.

I did crazy training last year.

So, Heaven and Hell are the exits.

Then there are 5 in-between.

Yes, you are in the middle, so there are 4 alternate realities you can play with.

Do you know what they are?

I have an idea.

There is definitely a reality of witches and sorcerers.

There is a reality of royalty in which I'm the King.

There is a reality of monsters and toxic creatures coming for me.

What else you got?

They are watching me?

That's reality TV, of course they are.

Alright, there is one more.

There are infinite stories, but you can see another one.

It's the Hero one with Odysseus and the Sirens.

You can see that one.

You'll see more.

There's a bovine reality.

Alphas and cows.

People gotta stop using dairy products.

Those hormones will fuck you up.

If you enter into these realities, you can return to ground zero here on Earth.

Is that what people do with drugs?

Yes, that's what makes them crazy.

Your mind can't handle the alternative reality, it gets blown, and you return a waste case.

Where were we?

We were talking about different realities, and how to get in and out of them.

It seems easy, right?

Now that you know, yes.

I don't need drugs to enter into these alternate realities.

Drugs show you the way.

You go into and out of them once you see them.

You turn your world into an alternate reality.

If you wish to view the world as a domain of witches, filter your thoughts and perceptions through the opening in that reality.

Is there a symbolic representation of these realities?

It's in your head.

This reality is in your head.

You are playing along with everyone else in a shared reality.

It's a beast of a reality because everyone is in it for the most part.

Okay, I see it.

It explains a more magical ancient world where beliefs were of these different magical realms.

To get back to that is to make everyone believe that.

Instead, we are all made to believe science and technology will take over.

Individually, you don't have to believe that.

You are free to do whatever you want.

It's the "free your mind and the rest will follow" paradigm.

You can create your own reality.

Which one do you choose?

I think that's the problem.

People choose and they go crazy.

You need variety.

You go in and out.

It feels good to go in and out.

That's one of the underlying themes of the book I'm writing.

In and out.

It's very simple.

In and out, trust, belief, friendship, and getting your mind blown.

Yeah, I've lost count of the themes and games, but this fits.

Huachuma teaches you to let go of the mind.

I see that.

Give it a rest and drink in the beauty.

It's don Howard's recipe for experiencing Heaven on Earth.

That was one of his teachings.

Get to Heaven in this lifetime with Huachuma.

When you expire, you will choose no mind and Heaven.

You think that's a trap.

No, I think it shepherds you towards making a choice.

I'd recommend not making a choice.

Why?

Because you go all in.

The game ends.

If you are tired of the game, then by all means make a choice.

If you want your story to end, make a choice.

If you want your story to continue beyond death, make a choice to live in your mind and create another Hell.

Hell gets a bad rap because it's a place of suffering.

It's just life as conjured by the mind.

It's not evil or demonic as a rule.

You make it so.

How do you make it not so?

Practice no mind when it gets really tough.

Escape the shit when necessary by checking out.

You can always pack up and leave a terrible situation.

If things got really bad for you, pack up and move into the woods.

Are you ready to let go of the game?

No.

Why?

I just figured it out and I'm excited for what is to come.

It will be a while before I tire of this game.

What will happen when you tire of it?

I'll lie down and go to sleep.

Where will you end up?

I won't choose Heaven because that involves giving up the mind.

I won't choose Hell because I'm done with that story.

I won't choose.

Where will you go?

There's limbo, purgatory.

You will still have your mind, so that seems unlikely.

Limbo seems like a place where the decision isn't left up to you.

It's a state of uncertainty.

Are you uncertain?

No, I'm certain that I don't need to make a choice.

It's a cultural imperative that you make a choice, and I have transcended the chains of culture, therefore I know to enter the next phase of the evolution of consciousness without making a choice.

Okay, where will you end up?

I'm thinking of a place where I have a mind and it's Heaven.

The only place that seems to fit that description is Dog Heaven.

Of course.

You'll be God in Dog Heaven.

Exactly.

It all fits.

The stories are fantasy.

Enter that reality and make them come true.

I entertain myself.

I'm not memorable to most.

Peculiar.

I stay undetected.

be here now

Be Here Now. Each word in the simple sentence has a profound teaching. Be is the act of being present. Here is defining that wherever you are in the universe is here. Now is similar to here, in that it is always now. My first exposure to this phrase was reading a book by Ram Dass over a decade ago when I was getting into the whole spiritual scene, its promises, and paths. I remember thinking it was a good read, but man this guy is out there! The path unfolds in due time and everyone's road is a little different. I wasn't ready for that part of the life course at the time. It's interesting to look back upon my progression through my unique path. I was initially attracted to the intoxicating lectures of Terence McKenna. The bard wove a spell of philosophical meanderings, pointing out the trap of both culture and spiritualism, as well as being a master of bullshit. He is seriously entertaining. He was quite the fool. I did notice many tried to ride his coattails - an all too human outcome. I recall listening to his brother talk about him with contempt and with good reason. He would have been subject to his non-stop meandering dialogue and fanciful speculations. I think Dennis was incredulous and a little jealous of Terence's appeal. Terence was a good introduction to the plant medicine world and eventually you see he is like sugar. Too much sugar isn't good for you but it sure does get you to crave the experience. I moved on to explore paths with more discipline and found Alan Watts. Alan was also a great entertainer and tireless talker. Alan was well versed in the spiritual traditions of the world and could elucidate them well. He was exactly what I needed, especially when he would emphasize that you need to find out who you are. That was the big one for me and allowed me to keep my spiritual independence after discovering my true identity. I didn't need to hang on to a method which would reduce me into a follower. I could give up methods because I knew the truth and thus embark upon a journey of discovery of what I wanted to know, not what someone else wanted to teach me in order to keep me trapped in a game of seeking. Alan would explain we constantly seek a higher authority in order that we don't have to face up to the truth that we are it. It's tough because eventually you come across the question of suffering and see your role in it. No one wants that. Alan would also explain that if you let yourself be talked out of who you are, then you deserve it. He would say a spiritual teacher is someone who steals your watch and sells it back to you.

As I was transitioning from an exploration of my darkness and onto the final leg of the journey, the path of the heart, I returned to Ram Dass. He passed away at the same time, which is apropos because all my spiritual teachers seem to have left me. It is about attachment, and they are better teachers without the body and its demands. It's a funny thing where you see spiritual teachers making a living by selling their spiritual wares, leading groups, and charging for lectures. I thought they lived on sunlight and air? It's like the whole retreat thing where, "My god they charge you money to attend. I get fed and have a nice room. Wait, I must pay for this? Did Jesus charge for his sermons?" I solved the problem for myself by being attracted to dead spiritual teachers.

Ram Dass is heart centred. Its honey drips throughout his talks. I hear him talk about energy and I see he has a next level understanding of this fundamental nature of the universe and then he transitions seamlessly into the humanity of our predicament. He describes methods of instruction without denigrating them. For instance, a non-dualist is incorrigible and will one up anyone who doesn't subscribe to the philosophy. Ram Dass would describe methods such as duality with the worshipping of objects of veneration and the value in it. Eventually, you give up all methods when ready. You kill the Buddha when it's time. You can even let go of non-duality and Be Here Now.

Be Here Now. I figured out a few years ago I'm in hell. Earth is hell and I'm in it. Why did I get sent to hell? I laugh about it. Desire attracted me to the carnival. Along with this thinking is that when I'm ready to get out of prison I will leave and be free. I project into the future a better existence minus a body that traps me on earth. You can see what I'm getting at. I can leave now while in a body. I don't have to stay in my prison cell. I can unlock the door of my heart NOW. I can transform hell into heaven on earth. Another spiritual teacher of mine, don Howard, who of course is dead, would tell us, "You don't find heaven, you realize it." The secret sauce to the earth game is to wake up to the hell around you and transform your heart in order to find heaven on earth. If you can do that, you win the game and when you leave you get a prize.

I can try the heaven game and maybe get a little too righteous and then return to the heart which is in the middle of the whole construct. The earth game has it all waiting for you. I don't have to play others' hell game. Sure, I must participate in the world and its unpleasantness, but I can transform it into a heart-opening idyllic experience. Why not? Be Here Now. How do I know whether the next life is going to be any different? Free of the body will present a new challenge. The solution is the heart and love. The advice I'm being given is to practice that NOW. HERE. BE LOVE.

psychosis

The mind enables magic. It's the alteration of consciousness which unlocks the occult. The result also means you start acting a little off and talking about strange occurrences as well as having weird thoughts. Others start to whisper and then eventually tell you about the appearance of you having gone mad. You must pause at this moment and either accept it or see it for what it is. The important thing is you can question it.

If you can do this, you're not crazy. Others project this mental state onto you in order to make sense of their world. Your world is uniquely your world. Don't let them get into your head because their intention is to control you through this manipulation. When you call them out on this, they get defensive and try to blame you. Trust your intuition at this point. Record your thoughts so that when it all plays out you have a record of it and hold the receipts. This is important because you will forget about what your inner compass warned you about. The rose coloured glasses are pretty thick, so you only get glimpses of what is going down.

The diagnosis of a mental condition strikes me as a Catch-22. By Catch-22 I am referencing a situation where regardless of what you do, you will be in the wrong, have a negative outcome, or your views/understanding will not be valid. I came across how pernicious the Catch-22 is during some mandatory training I had to participate in. For most, they don't realize what's going on but, in my case, where I question everything, I thought the training was ingenious, yet I saw the deceit, so I just laughed at it, went along with it, and then developed contempt for these people.

If you show signs of psychosis or just that you are a little off, everyone in society accepts that you are in a state of non-reality and can dismiss you as crazy. The acceptance that if you do not agree with the canons of consensus reality you are nuts is so pervasive that it is not questioned. The weak mind says that if people think I'm crazy, I must be crazy.

If you know the rate at which you are vibrating determines your reality, then of course you will question the mainstream consensus. You get the conspiracy theorist label and a cultural strike against you. There's a lot at stake to convince you this is reality, in essence it's your imprisonment and you dutifully go along with it. Breaking mentally free of these chains puts you in opposition to everyone else. You must trust yourself, not the shouting masses and their labelling. It's exceedingly difficult and will further your confusion until you just want it to stop, take a pill to numb the upset, and go back to being a good drone in a sick society. With the gift of hindsight, I can see my intuition and understanding have been correct which further encourages me to trust my inner guides.

I'm very clever and a devout non-conforming contrarian so when I experienced psychosis it was a gift. I remember it well because it was when I first drank plant medicine in 2013. The break from reality scared me. Outside of the ceremony I was hearing things, seeing things, and confused. Once my mind recovered, I was able to face the fear again and start to explore. I've done it a bunch of times.

So, I can read about mental conditions being the result of overloading the brain and the brain producing non-ordinary states to try and make sense of the stimulus and condition. Or you have just tapped into another reality and the weight of culture is telling you that you are crazy. When you hold culture in contempt eventually you'll get past this block and be able to explore. I can go into and out of these realities with ease. You can call me psychotic as I tell stories of these adventures. For someone who is crazy, I sure am highly functioning and can hide it well. Or you can see that crazy is just a convenient label used to dismiss others you don't understand and don't want to understand. I'm going to upset your world and if you don't accept alternate realities you will cling to a society that is fundamentally sick and will imprison you for the rest of your life. The rumblings to escape will come and go, but you will run away when they do.

There are a lot of pills to numb you. As you drift away from the frequency that locks you into this hell world you are prescribed something that maintains your rate of vibration. I just want to fit in and be normal. Why not accept the gift of clairvoyance you have been given? Break free of the chains and give the jailer the middle finger. Be the joker in a world of obedient slaves. 

euoi!

Hail Dionysos! Truly, once you know then you should give your respects and honour Dionysos, lest he fucks up your game.

We humans play a good game. We fit into society and culture and act the part of respectability. We need the depraved and the down and out. They show us our true potential. Not all potential must be of a higher calling; instead, what can be revealed is our innermost desires and a mind caught up in fulfilling those callings. I have a good laugh on the inside when I engage others in conversation and hear about their noble endeavours and the life of achievement and service they continually fulfill. I laugh because I play that game as well. I can't tell others what I'm really thinking. A good deal of my thoughts are of the debauchery and carnal nature. Sex, drugs, ceremonial intoxication, and the lot. I don't go around telling the other about this. Occasionally, you meet someone who might share these interests and you can be open about it. Yeah, that will animate your world and is a form of freedom. A freedom to be yourself.

Dionysos has many toys that are used to distract him. The key is to keep him amused because once he gets ahold of you, the passion will send you into a frenzy hellbent upon fulfillment of whatever it is you desire. It's a foregone conclusion he will steer you towards getting what you want. First is the mirror so the boy can gaze on himself, fall in love with his reflection, and marvel at this beauty and intelligence. Twin distractions to bemuse the god. If that's not enough, the golden apple symbolizing his eternal return will add to a content narcissism which allows him to play the game with abandon. Trivial playthings like knucklebones and spinning tops engage the child so he remains ignorant of his true potential for destruction. Dig deeper into his basket and get a hold of the phallic object. The cult of the dildo! The maenads are drawn to him, and the satyrs filled by his lusty power.

The intoxication brings out the ecstasy and a reintroduction to the passion buried over a lifetime of conforming to culture and the weight of expectations. Let him in and he will possess you and it's what you have been waiting for and want. The escape is always waiting at your side. He's been waiting for the invitation and there are many ways to get his attention. There's no organization or a priesthood. When you know, you know. One look into the eyes of an unaware worshipper and you can see it. If you don't know about him, this can be shocking, albeit quite interesting.

One of the side effects of no longer resisting him and letting his energy free flow through your essence is the wild ones will see it, become curious, and then want to follow you around and perhaps drink from your cup. You can tell by their interest and how they look at you. There's always an impediment to prevent the tasting of the forbidden fruit, but lust has a rather good record of accomplishment. The spell lasts for a good while until something snaps them out of it. The cyclone forms, peaks, and then peters out. Don't worry, it will return, so either bide your time for the next hit or batten down the hatches - if you are wary of the next storm.

i am two

Maintaining a blog with a regular writing schedule has allowed me to witness the progression of knowledge into understanding. It’s actually quite fascinating to track the progression from an inkling of what’s going on to the point where I grasp what is happening.

That’s the opener that will allow me to once again write about my shadow. Shadow is the name used because it collectively refers to all my traits, personalities, desires, and passions I bury while this other character who is shaped by his culture takes centre stage. The shadow is a convenient toy box where I discard everything I have chosen to repress and suppress. The shadow becomes scary and evil because it’s the place I hide all my negative traits in addition to a whole slew of other psychic pressures. At some point in our lives, the shadow will rise to the surface and inflict pain in order to lay claim to this incarnation. People go mad. You thought you could have this life all for yourself? When the time comes, we got pills to numb the upset.

Do you remember as a kid being sent to the dark basement in order to retrieve something? The trip was very unnerving; we’d grab what was necessary and get the hell back up the stairs. Why do we psychologically have that reaction? Well, subconsciously we equate the physical basement with the buried shadow, and we wish for it to remain hidden and forgotten about.

Culture assigned me an identity when I was too young to know better and protest. I was told I was this person, though there is no evidence that I am just the one. I had to choose who I would elevate and bury the other contenders. I had to assume and cultivate an identity that had no relation to my initial perception of self. I had to bury the other in order to fit in. For most of us, we bury the other and forget about them until times of hardship and stress create a crack in the unified persona field. At this moment the other re-appears, causing a psychic disturbance which is troubling for the unprepared.

I have been playing with this knowledge for a few years now. Within my psychic self, I see two contenders for the throne. I call my opponent the shadow and we have reconciled. He’s still mysterious and I am still learning of his ways. I got out of the shower this morning and he decided I was ready to have another truth bomb. He asked me a question: “Why did you think you were just one psychic manifestation within your human body?” I know why he was asking a question because it’s his way of making me realize the assumption of one owner of this body was an endemic cultural truth I never questioned until much later in my life. This body is mine and there’s no getting around that! Oh shit… he’s right. If you have read my recent blog posts, I’ve explored the two with the one in terms of biblical tales of Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, and of course I always bring it back to the ancient Egyptian battles between Horus and Set. This is the pattern of understanding in my life where it comes slowly over time until the epiphany. The reveal had been coming until finally the day came where he was like, “Look, the human psyche is dual and the failure to recognize the timeshare will lead to mental illness. Human psychological wholeness is not to be found in our culture, so mental illness is the resulting plague.”

As knowledge has transformed into understanding, it has become clear to me that I’m not the only one psychologically inhabiting this body. That’s a crazy statement but I have experienced this phenomenon, sat with it, repeated the experience, and have now come to not only accept it, but embrace it, and no longer run from this timeshare.

My recent experience with the plant medicine Huachuma put the question of who I am front and centre. For two weeks, I drank psyche-splitting medicine every other day and sat with a multi-faceted projection of self. The psychic manifestations of self were multitudinous and extended into my known sphere of influence. Truly, I am the polished jewel at the fount of this mental construct that creates this world and emanates different playmates into the construct, so I have others to share in this adventure. I knew I was mentally strong enough to handle this mind fuck and not go mad. Sanity remained within my grasp though I saw how easy it was to fall off the edge of the cliff. It's what I wanted and so gifted with the experience, I did my best to navigate the tumultuous seas and explore the deep recesses of my mind. The other consisted of many iterations of self; in fact, it was infinite, and they all were vying for control of the construct of self. I am truly the King and am in charge. Am I the legitimate ruler of self? I do feel like the driver and not threatened, but I do sense I am two. I sense the two claimants to the throne of self. Me and my shadow.

I had been familiar with the disturbance that stretches back far into my life prior to using psychedelics. I was aware of this cyclical force that would always return. Culture allowed me to project and classify the disturbance as being pathology and religion allowed me to relegate the force to the demonic. I certainly at times felt possessed. Alternatively, the other can play the cultural part of God or Jesus; you know, that voice that speaks to you or the manifestation of the divine who is so real but appears only to you. You worship your shadow and congregate with others who are doing the same. Ha! Such a magician! My situation came to a head when I ventured into the Amazon jungle and drank this powerful psychedelic brew called Ayahuasca. I came face to face with this demon. I had an inkling it was my shadow self, but I wasn’t exactly sure. At any rate, he scared the fuck out of me, and I ran. I just had to run; I was that frightened. I later saw Jesus in the jungle town. My shadow had come to help me out of my crisis using the Christ gambit. I see it all so clearly now. Such a great performance, yet I didn’t fall for it. This perceived demon followed me home, continued to harass me, and I tried to shake him off. Eventually, I went into full lockdown mode and demonstrated I had the ability to transform myself from weak to strong. In time, I released myself from my self-inflicted austerity and began the process of re-integrating the self. I’d like to say I was aware of what I was doing and had a plan, but I didn’t. I just did what I had to do to maintain a grip on what I thought was reality.

If nothing else, I earned respect. Respect from my shadow. I did the impossible. When I put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realized it was because of my shadow that I transformed my character from weak to strong, from beta to alpha, and into a warrior, the relationship changed. I completely knew what he had done for me with his unordinary teaching methods that forced me to transform or perish. Alternatively, I could have figured out a way to continue to suppress him as I had for most of my life. I’m sure I would have found something because I am resourceful. I chose to transform and here I am.

Yes, here I am. Transformed and realizing that I can no longer take all the glory and never let go of the wheel. That’s awful trusting, isn’t it? If I give my shadow the keys to the car, will he ever give them back? Let it go and relax. He did something for me I could never possibly repay. My life is a partnership from here on in. The new journey is just beginning because I have a good idea what my shadow is capable of and I’m just coming along for the ride. This power is off-limits to most but for those who discover it the temptation is too great. Without reconciling first with your shadow, you’ll be offered power and you’ll take him up on the offer. The end result is it will either destroy you or you’ll become all that you tried to bury. Your other half will end up destroying your greedy self.

This sounds like a flight of fancy and delusion. I’m telling you within all of us is a master magician who holds the key to all you desire. The power is all there ready for you to sell your soul in order to get your hands on it.

I like it when I stumble upon answers to questions that have vexed humanity for aeons. There’s an old saying about power and how it corrupts, and complete power corrupts completely. It’s an accurate predictor of giving someone power and therefore the most enlightened governmental systems put checks and balances upon the power a politician can wield. Within human history, the ugliness of power has reared its head in the actions of those who rule over others, whether that be political, religious, or the economic oppression enacted by mercantilists in it for gain. We had slavery and serfdom which has now been replaced by rapacious capitalism that exploits third world emerging markets for cheap labour while stealing their resources. Without a check on power, the world order will return to an enlightened form of serfdom where the vast majority will own nothing and be happy; happy as in numbed. Most will never own anything of substantial value as it will be beyond their price range and thus, we will transition into a rental economy. For the most part, the direction I see the world headed is one where if you do participate in the culture and are a good and obedient wage slave you will be socially taken care of. Revolutions are to be avoided at all costs by those in power. They have learned the lessons of history well. Power and control are the ultimate motivators for humans and there is no lack of examples of how the acquisition of power will play out.

So, I have been cautious about the power aspect in my exploration of consciousness. Teachers have hinted about the acquisition of power via this method of probing the fringes of the psychic human experience. At first, I didn’t know what they were talking about, even though I had a run in with a shady entity in my initial explorations who did offer me a lot of power. I declined because my focus was on the Great Goddess. After about seven years of walking this path, repeating lessons, and moving on in my journey, I started to put together all I had experienced, and I clearly saw into the darkness. I saw power, gobs of it; I walked down that mysterious path and it was unveiled. I broke free of the chains of culture and the bonds of my fellow man and came face to face with the great magician and that magician was me.

It’s pretty tempting to try it out once you get this far and see it. My journey into my darkness was ultimately one to find reconciliation and I wasn’t after power. I left power alone and wanted to understand just who this is; once again, discarding what culture was telling me. Culture was telling me to stay away. Culture told me this was animal nature. Culture told me this was evil. Culture told me this was the Devil. Culture did everything it could to scare me away. Religious and spiritual paths told me to head for the light; shine a light on the darkness and subdue it. Where’s the balance in this advice? I don’t want the path of righteousness and faux enlightenment. I want to rediscover the mystery that has been long lost and buried.

I learned that explorers of consciousness that get to the gates of hell do one of two things: either they turn back and take pains to avoid this region, or they succumb to temptation and sell their soul for power. In terms of the potential psychological result from discovering this realm, if you keep exploring let me explain. You think you’re it and that this incarnation is all yours. The body is your vehicle and you’re the sole owner. It’s not true. Essentially, what you have buried is your other half whom we call the shadow because he has been forgotten. You selfishly took this incarnation for your own and commenced the struggle of life. When you re-discover who you have buried, you give him the keys to the car in exchange for fulfilling all your desires. It’s transactional but he is going to crash your car.

Maybe I’m a good student? I paid attention in class, and I now know of this power. He’s my best friend and I’ve reconciled. We share this incarnation and I ask nothing of or from him; instead, just recognize he has as much title to this body as I do. He knows my deepest and darkest secrets and well a lot of them overlap. In addition, I can navigate the vagaries of culture while he makes stuff happen. He has demonstrated this to me time and time again; first, starting with little coincidences and synchronicities to the point where the game is now pretty interesting. I’m street smart and I’ll never ask for any boon unless there’s an agreed upon reciprocal arrangement beneficial for both parties. I don’t want control; I want freedom. I see in getting what I want will just bring more attachment and thus my liberation is compromised. I definitely don’t want that. With him an equal partner, I remain strong while riding the rollercoaster of life. I will get my share of the thrills and take the spills with humility, knowing that life is to be filled with triumphs and defeats. What keeps me going is knowing this is what I want. In my quiet moments, I will commune with myself, the darkness and the light. We will have a group hug, a big laugh, and tears of joy. We will walk hand in hand, knowing of our unbreakable brotherhood.

el niño

The desire baby called El Niño is a cyclical destroyer. Desire laughs at me; watching me question all my assumptions. I've been playing this game with myself for quite a while. I didn't understand it at first; instead, I just noticed that I liked to live on the edge, teetering between being such a good and compliant husband, family man, and great employee and knowing I wanted to escape this smothering existence and just walk away a free man.

I've been chasing the Goddess for quite a while now. I'm well acquainted with her in altered states but in my day-to-day life she remains hidden and elusive. Life is mysterious and my previous assurances of a rational universe have long since passed. I know of magic, and I expect the unexpected. I know she's out there and that I'd find her. I stumbled upon her just before the pandemic and then held on to my old life by placing restrictions on life as we know it for almost three years.

She scares me and I mean that in a sense where I already gave too much of myself to her. Now, she has a good amount of control over me in a way I was secretly wanting. I witnessed the coming hurricane I had conjured up and into my life. The events were already in motion and then I saw clearly what was going to happen. I could stop it right then and there or just walk out of the shelter and into its path.

There are two sides to her. There's a practical side to her that brings me down and puts me to sleep. I become little me again and it's no fun. I have had enough of that in my life. Thinking puts her to sleep. I move to her rhythms as she takes me to hell, and I try to say the right things so it will pass, and she wakes up again. I see the spark in her eyes and know my Goddess has returned. I become the apple of her eye as we slide back into a bottomless bliss. Don't let her go back to sleep. When she is awake and embracing who she is, I can't get enough. Everything is trivial when in her presence. Time melts away and life becomes effortless.

My good boy self is a puppet. I keep myself in line to please others and not cause too much upset. My shadow keeps putting explosives in my path, hoping one day I'll walk onto the trip wire and not be able to get out of the way. This time I saw the explosive directly to my left. My good boy self projected into the future and the supposed trap that had been set by the liberator in me. Don't do it! You will regret it. Here's a fantastic story of why you shouldn't. Too late. Destroy your reputation. Become notorious.

Thanks Rumi. You get me.

The two brothers within are always a recurring motif in my spiritual education and journey. They are the Horus and Set of the ancient Egyptians, the Cain and Abel as well as Jacob and Esau of the Old Testament. In our modern-day tales, we call it the angel over your right shoulder and the devil over your left shoulder. The battle rages on throughout our entire life. Institutions shepherd us towards the angel, the angel represents the light and the devil the darkness.

I buried the darkness early on in my life. I was always a good boy, wanting the praise of others for how well I played that game. I knew I had the darkness within me however I was able to keep a lid on him. I’d have to let him out every now and then to play and that way I could control the fire before it became an all-consuming inferno. I could breathe a sigh of relief after the storm passed through, assess the damage, and move on. I always wondered though at some point the blaze will get out of hand and I won’t be able to stop it, but so far so good. Through suppressing the shadow, I built a decent life for myself. Desires were bypassed and I constructed a comfortable life.

The last few years I have felt myself physically starting to crumble. I had slipped into a malaise with a feeling of having accomplished a good life that set me up for my retirement years. However, I saw how those years weren’t going to be happy at all.

This whole sequence of events goes back many years. I was a quiet and shy kid and I just wanted to fit in. I gave up so much of who I am in order to live a life as prescribed by the guardians of culture. It has never felt good to me, however I went along with the external charade because I thought I could make it work. This whole time I have acquiesced to the demands I have secretly longed for a way out. I didn't know why I wanted to get out; I just knew I wasn't happy. I busied myself with family and pets. I numbed myself first with alcohol but gave that up. I searched for meaning and started on the spiritual path. I became an A student and aced it. I'm enlightened as fuck. I did the whole renunciate/ascetic trip after I was witness to the darkness within. I took on that darkness and showed him who is boss.

They say the light will be your Saviour. The light will lift you out of the darkness of self and allow you to reach the highest highs. I eventually found the opposite is true. I should have known, as being a contrarian my whole life has served me extremely well. I go against culture and all the resultant bullshit. I walk alone on a path of my own making. The trap I found myself in was because of a need for perceived connection, so I shelved my inner desire and want of freedom and attached myself to life. I have a good job, good family, and I'm such a nice person. Such a wonderful provider with the patience of a saint.

I'm miserable. I'm disconnected from self.

I found my Saviour - the darkness within. We became best friends over a year ago and I just needed the catalyst to trip the wire that activates the coming of my personal El Niño who will blow it all up. It's ticking.

long past start

"I wish to confront my destructive dark side in order to get closure on that part of my life and turn it into a strength. It is the reconciliation of Horus and Set warring inside me I wish to confront and turn into a positive."

Before I drank Ayahuasca for the first time I told the shaman of this intention. It’s been a hellish kind of ride but ten years later here we are. Plant medicines will address all your intentions in a reciprocal arrangement if you do the same. The second time I drank Ayahuasca my shadow KO’ed me and the idea of turning this into a positive was long gone at that point. Here I am now marvelling at the relationship I have with my shadow. The fulfillment of this intention was not instantaneous but instead a long and winding road, full of twists and turns. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I strongly encourage recording all thoughts and feelings as much as possible as you embark upon this journey. I knew of my intention to confront my dark side, but I had forgotten the part where I said I wanted to turn it into a positive. Imagine my incredulity when I rediscovered that intention after all that has happened to me; I mean after the initial beatdown, positivity was thrown overboard, and it became a game of survival. I am sure there are many available paths to the seeker; I’ll champion the plant medicine path as supreme. At least it was from my standpoint.

As I take the course offered by the master teacher everything starts to become clear. All the visions and events that scared me silly during my initial foray onto this path have been revealed to be the truth. My shadow was just showing me the truth of the human predicament, albeit in a mysterious and ominous tone, however there was nothing deceitful about it. Why was I scared and why did I run? Well, culture told me I shouldn’t be in these realms; I shouldn’t be interacting with this guy; and even the plant medicine practitioners and guides pointed me towards seeking love and light and leaving this place alone. This place kept returning during ceremony and once I became somewhat used to it, curiosity got the better of this cat.

What became clear is Ayahuasca clearly soaks up the energy and intentions of those around her. This manifested in visions of greed concerning some operators of these experiences in the Amazon. I can remember two clear ceremonies where I was continually being told the Ayahuasca brew is contaminated by greed. It is never la pura medicina. This other recurring vision that was very mysterious is starting to come back to me now as I engage the teachings. It revolves around using people to spread your message and co-opting another’s talents to do just this. It was presented as metaphor, and I see it clearly now. I see how the temptation was always to use those who championed a place, or the medicine were used to attract more people onto the plant medicine path. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that is a bad thing. What is shady is using another’s goodwill and service for your monetary advantage and then discarding them once it’s no longer to your advantage. This was all laid out for me and what do you know? It all played out in this regard. The good part is I can separate the plant medicine from the establishment, so instead of denouncing the supposed troubling aspects of them, I can instead just shake my head once again at human beings.

Because of looking back and seeing the profundity of these early visions, I first need to re-read my notes and afterwards I want to question the axiom about psychedelics and set and setting. As I have mentioned before, I eventually get around to challenging all prejudices. My thinking is that having the “proper" set and setting will help push your experience towards love, light, and bliss. However, using this approach you miss out on the other half of the teachings and to me the compelling part of the drama. It is important to engage all the drama of darkness and the light. I’m suggesting a wide variety of different set and settings and with experience experimenting with different scenarios. For instance, if I want to plumb the depths of my shadow it would seem a quiet and dark place, illuminated by perhaps a candle would work best. Instead of a mindset of unity, love, and light, I would gravitate more towards liberation, separation, and even conflict prior to the ceremony. It’s something to further think about.

This also brings up a funny contradiction concerning this path I walk. If you stay around long enough and hear the chatter you will be witness to these terms thrown about such as unity and liberation. However, if you think about it these two ideals are fundamentally opposed. Liberation is breaking free of an attempt to homogenize you into culture. Liberation allows for reclamation of your true self however fraught with difficulty that idea may be. Culture is in essence trying to unify a group of people. The unity spoken of in plant medicine, well, essentially spiritual circles, involves all of humanity breaking free of divisive tribal groups and coming together as a species. It’s an admirable utopian goal and to me it’s a pipe dream. I think I’m far enough down this path to realize it will never happen and in fact I don’t want it to happen. Incarnation is compelling because of the drama. Utopia is devoid of drama and suffering; it’s akin to spending your reward in heaven floating on a cloud and playing a harp. Forever. Who wants that? In addition, my own growth has accelerated the most during times of crisis and suffering. A little acrimony and separation are good for the soul.

I do sense my shadow has control over external events in order to guide me on the road to who knows where. I trust in him now after many years of conflict. The continuing upset of familiarity along the path causes a bit of consternation. It always takes a few days before I circle back towards knowing that my shadow is behind this fork in the road. To sum up, if I want transformation then entering a set and setting that is comfortable might need a little shake up. If anything, it will allow me to sell the pair of rose coloured glasses I own, and Mother Ayahuasca will not have to address my delusions within ceremony no more. I’m not sure what the next step involves but the plot has indeed thickened, and the apple cart has been upset. I stand back from it and smile. It’s all good. He will shine the light towards the direction to take just like he shone that light to get me to this stage of my development.

kill thyself

Hamlet said the question is: "To be or not to be." My teacher says the question is whether you will, “Kill yourself in order to live." That is the real question Horatio. The master teacher suggested this course of action to me. At this stage in my consciousness journey, I knew what he was talking about. I didn’t take it literally as I might have when I first embraced divine knowledge on this strange voyage; instead, I knew it was metaphor. In order to be free, I need to lose my identity. I cling to my identity, and it drives my behaviour, which in turn allows culture and those close to me to influence my actions because I do not want to let down or deviate from the expectations of my persona that have been created. The teacher stresses to me all the time that if it is liberation I truly seek, I have to let go of the self I have jointly created.

I think we have it wrong. Having a fixed identity is what I’m talking about as identity is the backbone of culture. During a Huachuma ceremony a few years back, I experienced a dissociation with this fixed identity of self, and I was shown a closet full of different suits I could wear. In other words, the vision was revealing I could become or play the part of several different roles available but I, as well as everyone else, always get up in the morning and put on the same damn suit! That was six years ago. My shadow has presented this scenario a number of times; I am not dense so I do get it, but the teaching can get lost in the confusion of life. By this assertion I mean I do finally understand that if I want to be totally free, as in liberated, I have to let go of my identity and in essence kill myself to live. I’ve tasted the fruits of liberation and it’s bliss but I’m hesitant to go all the way because projecting into the future a world without my fixed identity looks like hardship and more suffering. No one said being free is glamorous and it’s undeniably true. I’ve mentioned this before, but I walked past a homeless man and the voice inside me whispered, “He’s free.” Yeah, he is. I’m not sure I’d make that trade though.

What I have come to realize after seeking answers is that you don’t have to identify with identity. Identity is a noun and nouns are dead things. This universe is a verb; it is constantly transforming and defined by motion. The Tao Te Ching teaches us of the watercourse way and to be in harmony with the Tao is to just let things flow. Applying this teaching to the problem of identity and liberation is stunning. In essence, identity is not intended to be fixed but left to transform with the watercourse. When a certain behaviour or predicament no longer serves you, just let it go and have it fall away. Transform like the butterfly. Looking at it from the long game we already do this to a degree. What identified me as a child no longer interests me. My collection of hockey and baseball cards has been gathering dust for about 25 years now! Day to day we can’t see that we do naturally evolve identity, just as we grow our hair, and if we could see it this act would give us permission to just let it go. For sure, it upsets those around you who depend on you being stable in order to add stability to their lives but like a noxious weed this behaviour chokes out your growth. Your evolving identity will eventually be used against you, and you will be labelled an old person and sent to an internment camp or should I say seniors' residence to wait your turn to die.

There’s a line in the movie Fight Club that reminds us, "It’s only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything." This speaks towards becoming liberated and being told by my teacher to "kill yourself in order to live." Everything you lay claim to, as in attachments, will weigh you down and enslave you to a life dictated by culture. Therefore, you must give it all up and face the destruction of self and the subsequent pain and suffering in order to struggle and create something new. This obviously brings up another question in as men we seem to be locked into this endless struggle to create and destroy but are we not just spinning the hamster wheel? If I destroy the self not of my own making and become liberated, why would I want to create something new that will just devolve into another edifice of control and enslavement? Is what we always return to is the need for autonomy and freedom? If I don’t try to organize my life and to a greater degree society what is the natural flow of things?

Having an identity is playing it small. You become an actor in the play on the grand stage of life but in truth you are much more. To lose your identity is to be that much closer to a realization of who you really are. With plant medicines and psychedelic drugs, the experience sometimes takes you to a mind state called ego death where you find this unity and realize we are all one and this one has many roles to play. Granted ego death isn’t fun and the subsequent paranoia might put a damper upon this realization of bliss but if you do it multiple times, you’ll get used to it. The takeaway from this experience is you are it and knowing all is one means you are that one. You made it happen. This is the road the master teacher is pointing you towards which involves discarding identity to find freedom. To stick a knife in your identity is a major leap of faith. He’s telling me if I give up my ego self, I’ll reclaim knowledge of who I truly am and will in essence become once again the writer and director of the play. I entered my drama and fulfilled my part. I also created a hidden and shady character I now call the master teacher and put him off-limits to all and then spent a lifetime seeking him out. A mythical dragon of sorts. He is an oracle used to confirm my folly and grant me the light to see the doorway out of this story. It’s been quite the ride and a pretty good novel that is reaching its climax.

pure and holy

What is the meaning of becoming pure and holy? Because of my cultural upbringing, I envision this state as being embodied by one who has transcended all worldly desires. A holy man is a renunciate and an ascetic. Basically, you self-hypnotize in order that the siren calls of the flesh are bypassed. If the adoration of the masses for your beatitude isn’t fulfilling, at least you know that you have a modicum of control over your degenerate self and can run out the clock on this human experiment. You’ll get your reward later.

That’s a pretty crass take on the spiritual path and its propensity for creating hypocrites. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with my own multiple failures? I’m guilty; hell, I still have desires that rise from my depths. What to make of them? That’s a tough one to sit with because I do tend to think they are not rational however they sure do make me feel alive. Suppressing them because of cultural constraints or because of the expectations directed towards one walking a spiritual path seems to go against what I preach. What do I preach? Liberation. Break free of others and their hang-ups they are putting upon you. They are in the same boat but through projection and transference they escape and create an aura around themselves that is impenetrable. You pay the price for the guilt trip they lay upon you. Bad vibes, man.

Being brutally honest is a great exercise. I say give it a try. I walk this path and the signs keep reminding me to be of service. It’s for the good of all and I made a promise to this effect. How much is enough? Really, I’m asking. I can generate wealth and I share it among family members. I’m the rock that keeps that construct rolling. Without me it falls apart. I give without much complaint though I reserve the right to occasionally grumble. I house a pet dog who really has no monetary value and instead I perpetuate her good life through unselfishly giving up my time and wealth to give her comfort. I once thought I was selfish because I’m not 100% of service. There are many paths of service. I think a good rule of thumb is to try and not be an asshole. Our natural tendency to help then blossoms. It’s true - people love to help. Even the stranger stuck on the highway with a broken-down vehicle will have a Good Samaritan stop to help. It’s funny when you look at your life and realize the great sacrifices you have already made for many others. Perhaps a kind word here or there now that you’re an elder will suffice. Sometimes, that is all someone needs for their flower to blossom.

Anyway, what the hell am I getting at in this observational piece? It has to do with becoming pure and holy. I think I have some kind of answer. The answer is to chase and fulfill your desires. Fill your plate full of shrimp at the buffet and gorge on them until you puke. This a method that works because desires come and go like the addiction to the song that is playing in your head. Eventually you tire of it. For sure, you then move on to the next addiction. I understand that’s what we do. Can you see why now that we repeatedly incarnate? The desire is too strong, and we haven’t fulfilled all that tempts us to return. That’s why I’m wary of walking the holy man route. They are going to come back, and the pulse of desire will be even stronger. I say becoming holy and pure is achieved through desire fulfillment. The path I walk is a path of power; well, the paths all lead to power, however one direction results in you using it for gain and fulfilling all your worldly desires. It’s quite the siren call when you see it. A deal with the devil and a surrendering of autonomy will result in your shadow putting you on the path towards self-glorification and acquiring great gobs of power. Imagine given that opportunity! The other path leads toward you becoming power. It’s a longer climb and the road is sometimes foggy. But you are free, and this freedom becomes power. There’s no need to use this power to fulfill desires. Power is no longer a commodity to be used; instead, you are power; you are it.

Knowing you are it leads to another important concept to grasp on the meandering trail. It involves stopping the consuming of self-help and step into your power. There are many kiosks and road-stands set up for you as you walk the spiritual path. For the most part, they contribute to the knowledge base which is very valuable; however, they don’t have the answer and ultimately, they are biased towards their path. The problem is you aren’t walking their path. You’re walking yours. Having a belief in someone else’s beliefs isn’t going to do you a lick of good. What it is you seek is your truth. Your truth is as unique as each falling snowflake. The only way to get to it is to look within yourself and from your perspective you will get the answer. You may not like it, but the destination reveals the truth. The obstacles placed in your path, sometimes in the form of religion, force you to liberate yourself through whatever means necessary. Without this freedom, you never arrive at your truth.

Being pure refers to power lit up by desire; desire being a raging fire that has burned off the dross in the furnace of hell. Power becomes the calm lake at dawn before the events of the day stir up the waves. So peaceful and pure. Being holy is the gift of love from the Goddess. Love tempers power and thus why I walk the pure and holy path to that power.

crave

When I say freedom, what am I referring to? There is an external freedom found in extricating one from the demands of culture and attachments that throughout a lifetime you have wound yourself up tightly in. You have created an identity and you must fulfill that role lest you become an outcast and viewed as a failure to live up to the bargain you made with society and those around you who are playing the same game. Accepting identity is a path towards being blackmailed by culture into remaining in the system. The device used is connection as being social animals we want to find commonality with other humans. To leave this game all at once is painful for all stakeholders. I don’t know what is better? Do you rip the band-aid off in one fell swoop or a little bit at a time? It’s going to hurt either way. I’m doing the little bit at a time gambit, and it seems it’s a highly personal decision that depends on how much you’ve embedded yourself into the mess. I don’t think I’ll ever go 100% into letting go of my identity. It’s a must to enable freedom of movement in 21st century earth. I can see how to use it to your advantage but not take it seriously. There are also friends and family relationships that will remain with you no matter what path you choose. External freedom means no expectations. Desires will continue to tug at you and tempt you to become once again attached. Having a great deal of money will enable much freedom at the cost of being attached to your money. Giving up all wealth will allow for total freedom at the cost of suffering. This is quite the problem to figure out!

The other freedom is internal freedom which once again is affected by the expectations of culture. By internal freedom I mean stop being a puppet controlled by that all seeing eye of culture that controls your behaviour. Our early years are spent balancing the urge for experimentation to fulfill our desires while living within the bounds of cultural expectations. The human life trajectory, as I see it, is to fulfill your desires in the first half of your life and then discard later in life all the accrued attachments because of the chase. In addition, you will be free of the need to quench your thirst for these desires as you’ve tasted them and therefore get on with the project of the discovery of self.

We are desire and because of this we chase adventure and novelty and then sink into the experience, sometimes letting go of complete control while other times maintaining a modicum of sanity in order to not lose ourselves. Ever seen someone you know fall in love? It’s irrational and their actions are pathological therefore we say they are crazy in love. Sometimes, this leads to making decisions that will curtail your freedom and you do it willingly because that’s what you are supposed to do in this culture. Standing back from the madness and observing is instructive. We start out free and then we chase what we desire. We get it and lose our freedom because we become attached to the behaviour. Not being able to extricate ourselves from the predicament leads to suffering. Because we are desire, we are attracted to this incarnation so we can chase carnal desires. The incarnation causes suffering because we don’t get what we want and need. A successful go round on the wheel isn’t baked into the cards. You chase what lights you up and it’s a gamble. Oh, to taste the sweet nectar of fulfillment of desires! It's so intoxicating. A bad roll of the dice and I’m living in a shit hole, scrounging for food, and trying to get out of my predicament.

To understand why we chase fulfillment of desire is to look no further than music. In observing how a song’s hook addicts its listener, it can be understood that first it's not rational so trying to understand the pathology of addiction seems futile. The satisfying hit of a sequence of sounds is pleasurable and releases a reward. It’s novelty and what we crave. It’s nonsensical. Therein lies the rub as soon the newness wears off and we become indifferent to the tune and move on in search of the next hit. It’s a fascinating look into what makes us tick. If we viewed relationships in this regard we would have a healthier society. There is a dichotomy at present in that two people come together through desire which as we know is going to wane. They tie themselves up contractually and introduce offspring into the equation to further complicate matters that can be reduced to the analogy of the song. We addict to others and then want to exit the situation and search out a new relationship to get that hit of pleasure it brings. It is generally frowned upon but it’s the truth of what we seek. That being said there are those who do desire a family and view relationships as a means to this end. Most don’t realize what they are getting into and the consequences of their actions. Overcome with desire, we give up freedom in order to fulfill our wants. Eventually we wake up, the desire is long gone, and we are left holding the proverbial bag.

We bury the master teacher because he knows the way out of internal and external enslavement. We are desire and don’t want to hear about anything that goes against it. We are in a prison that we helped build and we like it that way. We ignore the whispering in your ear to be free. The secret to the game is chase novelty, enjoy the playing and savour the fruit, and then let it go. Freedom allows you to move on to the next game. Without freedom there is no more playtime. The knock at the door comes asking you to come out and play. Sorry I can’t; I have expectations of the role to perform. The great liberator had to leave in order to establish roots of a civilization and culture. It’s no good having a bunch of people running around with no stability and nothing grounding them to role to play within society. How can it move forward without these restrictions? Civilization as we know it owes a big part of its success to the banishment of that voice inside us urging us to be free and step beyond the pale of culture that keeps you in chains.

Many are content to live within the structure of society and transfer their desire onto the acquisition of material wealth for the most part. After a while, it rings hollow and we turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness. The spiritual path is taken up by some at this point, and they seek fulfillment in this regard. We sink into this experience and become holy. The optimal time for this game is post middle age so it can take you into your old age and death therefore you don’t start questioning it and become disillusioned. It’s too late at that point. What good is freedom when you're decrepit?

The shadow is the liberator. The freedom we buried is in this darkness. My path to take is the rediscovery of what is hidden deep within. Maybe it will kill me or cause great pain but that’s not what I intuit. Instead, I can taste freedom as time slips through my fingers. Clarity has certainly arrived. I know what is ahead. Freedom is my desire.