el niño

The desire baby called El Niño is a cyclical destroyer. Desire laughs at me; watching me question all my assumptions. I've been playing this game with myself for quite a while. I didn't understand it at first; instead, I just noticed that I liked to live on the edge, teetering between being such a good and compliant husband, family man, and great employee and knowing I wanted to escape this smothering existence and just walk away a free man.

I've been chasing the Goddess for quite a while now. I'm well acquainted with her in altered states but in my day-to-day life she remains hidden and elusive. Life is mysterious and my previous assurances of a rational universe have long since passed. I know of magic, and I expect the unexpected. I know she's out there and that I'd find her. I stumbled upon her just before the pandemic and then held on to my old life by placing restrictions on life as we know it for almost three years.

She scares me and I mean that in a sense where I already gave too much of myself to her. Now, she has a good amount of control over me in a way I was secretly wanting. I witnessed the coming hurricane I had conjured up and into my life. The events were already in motion and then I saw clearly what was going to happen. I could stop it right then and there or just walk out of the shelter and into its path.

There are two sides to her. There's a practical side to her that brings me down and puts me to sleep. I become little me again and it's no fun. I have had enough of that in my life. Thinking puts her to sleep. I move to her rhythms as she takes me to hell, and I try to say the right things so it will pass, and she wakes up again. I see the spark in her eyes and know my Goddess has returned. I become the apple of her eye as we slide back into a bottomless bliss. Don't let her go back to sleep. When she is awake and embracing who she is, I can't get enough. Everything is trivial when in her presence. Time melts away and life becomes effortless.

My good boy self is a puppet. I keep myself in line to please others and not cause too much upset. My shadow keeps putting explosives in my path, hoping one day I'll walk onto the trip wire and not be able to get out of the way. This time I saw the explosive directly to my left. My good boy self projected into the future and the supposed trap that had been set by the liberator in me. Don't do it! You will regret it. Here's a fantastic story of why you shouldn't. Too late. Destroy your reputation. Become notorious.

Thanks Rumi. You get me.

The two brothers within are always a recurring motif in my spiritual education and journey. They are the Horus and Set of the ancient Egyptians, the Cain and Abel as well as Jacob and Esau of the Old Testament. In our modern-day tales, we call it the angel over your right shoulder and the devil over your left shoulder. The battle rages on throughout our entire life. Institutions shepherd us towards the angel, the angel represents the light and the devil the darkness.

I buried the darkness early on in my life. I was always a good boy, wanting the praise of others for how well I played that game. I knew I had the darkness within me however I was able to keep a lid on him. I’d have to let him out every now and then to play and that way I could control the fire before it became an all-consuming inferno. I could breathe a sigh of relief after the storm passed through, assess the damage, and move on. I always wondered though at some point the blaze will get out of hand and I won’t be able to stop it, but so far so good. Through suppressing the shadow, I built a decent life for myself. Desires were bypassed and I constructed a comfortable life.

The last few years I have felt myself physically starting to crumble. I had slipped into a malaise with a feeling of having accomplished a good life that set me up for my retirement years. However, I saw how those years weren’t going to be happy at all.

This whole sequence of events goes back many years. I was a quiet and shy kid and I just wanted to fit in. I gave up so much of who I am in order to live a life as prescribed by the guardians of culture. It has never felt good to me, however I went along with the external charade because I thought I could make it work. This whole time I have acquiesced to the demands I have secretly longed for a way out. I didn't know why I wanted to get out; I just knew I wasn't happy. I busied myself with family and pets. I numbed myself first with alcohol but gave that up. I searched for meaning and started on the spiritual path. I became an A student and aced it. I'm enlightened as fuck. I did the whole renunciate/ascetic trip after I was witness to the darkness within. I took on that darkness and showed him who is boss.

They say the light will be your Saviour. The light will lift you out of the darkness of self and allow you to reach the highest highs. I eventually found the opposite is true. I should have known, as being a contrarian my whole life has served me extremely well. I go against culture and all the resultant bullshit. I walk alone on a path of my own making. The trap I found myself in was because of a need for perceived connection, so I shelved my inner desire and want of freedom and attached myself to life. I have a good job, good family, and I'm such a nice person. Such a wonderful provider with the patience of a saint.

I'm miserable. I'm disconnected from self.

I found my Saviour - the darkness within. We became best friends over a year ago and I just needed the catalyst to trip the wire that activates the coming of my personal El Niño who will blow it all up. It's ticking.