motel at the crossing

I sense that I may finally be ready. Ready for what? To walk the path of the heart in earnest. It has something to do with desire fulfillment; in essence getting my fill. The process had to play out to its completion and I had to repeatedly make a choice in what path I wished to follow. There have been multiple forks in the road which required a choice. For instance, with plant medicines I had to choose between the right-hand path of elevating the self and becoming a spiritual leader of renown or taking the dull left-hand path, doing the work, and becoming of service. For the most part, the narcissist within is not a problem and therefore I do not seek fame. I prefer to remain anonymous, get my alone time in the forest, and let my actions speak for me. Don Howard would tell us to allow our light to shine. There's no need for a hype man or to acquire followers.

I parked my vehicle at this intersection of choice for a while because I wasn't ready to make the commitment. I'd do a day trip along the path of the heart but would always return to the motel at the crossing. I still wanted to get more of the carnival so I'd pack my bags and venture off into the funhouse for more of the pleasure hit. After the last candy apple, I'd get a stomach ache and return to my room. I'd remember the path of the heart and as Ram Dass would say, "Get my Bkahti hit." My spiritual practice would be invigorated because I drained myself of the material impulse.

I haven't been ready to commit to either path. I enjoyed my time waffling on the edge while the hidden magician within would tempt with more rides. Looking back, I clearly see the temptations and at the time I was aware of the consequences. I never took the last step. If I would have taken that step I would have fucked up my game! I wouldn't have been able to find my way back to the motel. The point was being made that I wasn't ready to make a choice and I had to come to the natural conclusion of desire fulfillment. The magician has been kind to me, knowing when to withdraw the temptation. I'm human and everyone has their breaking point so I know he'd take me to the edge and let me peer into the abyss. The situation would then resolve after I made my choice and I'd go back to my lonely room. I know I purposely seek out temptations in order to get a material hit and remind me I still got it; not being sure what "it" really is. That's the thing about the human predicament. We want to be wanted and to know we are worthy, so we seek out the validation in others who are curiously fighting the same battle.

As a teenager and a young adult, I enjoyed going to the amusement park and going on the rides. Nightclubs were exciting and staying up all night was fun as well. Eventually, we grow older and tire of those thrills and move on to different pastimes which allow us to get to bed before midnight! The same paradigm seems to be at work in the spiritual journey when there comes a point that the choice can be made because the love of the carnival just naturally falls away. My last few trips to the carnival have been pretty short. I'll always have a fondness for the water log ride but in the end, it isn't any more worth the trouble. I do feel the desire waning for the thrill. I never thought I’d get to this point in my life.

I know of the path of the heart and the bliss entailed by walking the trail. I've never followed it for long; always turning back after a few days and returning to the comforts of my lonely room. I'm ready for a long adventure and more importantly I am curious about what I will discover. I've done the work on self and the last few years of forced reconciliation of self has been a tremendous boon for self-knowledge. The path of the heart is inviting me to explore and it's a very exciting opportunity. I've never felt this way before; always viewing the path of the heart as dull and a form of resignation of life. I get the feeling the dull and lifeless entrance is a facade. It keeps the pretenders away.

This has been a tough lesson. I stand ready yet I still want one more trip to the carnival. For sure the duration is becoming shorter and shorter. I step into the circus ring and already I want to leave and go back to the motel.

Time will tell if I truly am ready. The lesson of the light and the darkness within me are ending and I know from experience I will shortly write the exam. When you are ready, the curriculum is accelerated. I remember when I wrote the courage and bravery exam it was shortly after I displayed the necessary amount to be successful in the hero's journey. There was no waiting around and basking in my up-levelling. Instead, within no time I had to write the final exam and get ready for the next lesson. The same scenario is now unfolding. I've completed the lesson of the two brothers within this container of self and the heart lessons await. Let's get to it!

waking up twice

My shadow is nuts. My shadow is my best friend. My shadow is my teacher. My shadow is a maestro.

We are co-dependents. I now clearly see the trajectory of my awakening, transformation, and the why all this happened. A lifetime of preparation and events designed to get me to wake up. I finally took the plunge at middle age and I look back now into all that happened and marvel at the process. Why did I need to wake up? What is the purpose of my life?

I had an inkling throughout my life I was, for lack of a better term, a dualistic construct. The split was hidden and the other, my shadow, sufficiently buried however I knew he affected my life. I thought of him as a negative influence and the primary reason for this thinking is because my subjugation of him in concert with my culture led to the explosion of his influence whenever he got the chance. Whenever I let my guard down, he was ready to pounce. These situations occurred during times of agitation, depression, suppression of control and filters through the use of alcohol, and sexual needs. I definitely could chart his presence during these times and being of the inquisitive sort, it was predestined that I'd become curious about who exactly is the person I call I.

The initial phase of my awakening involved a curiosity towards the question of God or to be more exact I wondered why humans believe what they do and what is the origin of beliefs? At this point in my life I was definitely atheist, though not hardcore. I was open to changing my mind if I could find sufficient evidence for a plausible belief in divinity. Through a chain of implausible coincidences and fortunate events, I soon found myself in Egypt wandering through ancient temples and exploring fantabulous pyramids. I didn't know it at the time but in essence whatever I needed to keep me going on this path was given and granted. My benefactors were cagey, didn't overdo it, but kept me interested. When I returned from my trip abroad soon an art magazine wanted to interview me about my journey and photography. There was no good reason for this but I was wonderfully oblivious and played along. My interest was stoked and I dove deep into the mystical lore of ancient Egypt and became fascinated with their goddesses. I wondered why my culture's 21st century religious constructs have no goddesses? What happened? Why is it such a male-centric belief system that culture pushes on us?

Why indeed; but, that really wasn't the point. The point was to get me to start searching for the Goddess in order to recover and free her from the chains of culture. I intuitively knew she was with me and I summoned my intellect to figure out a way to come into contact with her. The gambit to awaken me was in full swing. Eventually, I discovered shamanism and deduced, via nighttime singing and dancing for the Great Egyptian Goddess Hathor in her temple at Denderah, that by altering my consciousness I could come into direct contact with her.

I wasn't wrong. Wow! I did it. I searched the world for her, found her, and now I'm in her presence. It was the greatest night of my life. By altering my consciousness, I come into the presence of unconditional love and deep compassion. I think I'll do it again. Where is she? Instead, my shadow lay in wait.

He KO'ed me with one punch. He sent me running for cover. I cowered in fear and went into panic mode. I became paranoid everyone was in on this beatdown. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. I was a piece of shit. Luckily, there were a few people around with me in this jungle camp that through talk therapy allowed me to get over this nightmare and I decided to give the alteration of consciousness another shot. My shadow was waiting once again and this time he offered me an extraordinary amount of power in exchange for my soul. He wanted to be in the driver's seat of this construct and in return fulfill all my desires.

He was in my way. I just wanted to get back into the presence of the Great Goddess. Spurned, my shadow told me to leave this place, go home, and never return upon penalty of death. That's what I needed to do, just go home. He followed me home and I couldn't shake him. He harassed me to the point of panic.

In hindsight, this was a gamble on his part. I'm pretty resourceful and could have found a way to numb consciousness and forget the whole episode. I know now why he did it. He wanted me to transform into a brave and courageous warrior because a fearful coward isn't going to complete the hero's journey and transform into a warrior. To cut to the chase, the reason for my transformation is because of my shadow and my longing to return into the arms of the Goddess. I completed the quest once I showed bravery, courage, and perseverance. I became unstoppable and up the mountain I went. I'm the hero. I know who I am. I've tasted the fruits of enlightenment.

There's more to life than the quest. The awakening and the hero's journey are only the beginning. What a wonderful ride this incarnation is and has been. I now know why I did it. Why I created this world and birthed myself into it. Self-reflection, knowledge of self, and finding balance through reconciliation of my extremes into the centre symbolized by the axis mundi and ultimately the answer is the love of the Goddess will temper the extremes with the result an eternal project to purify what just is. We have forever; so, why not? The rest of my lifetime is devoted to these principles.

But why did he do it? Why did my shadow, through non-ordinary methods, wake me up and transform me into a warrior? Why did he want to turn me into a worthy adversary, one who could fight him?

He is desire and I'm his brother non-desire. There's a pact between us siblings. Once one is awake and transforms into his eternal avatar, the agreement is to then wake the other up. I awoke first and then had to be threatened with death and dishonour in order to enact my transformation. I am the worthy foil to my shadow. Now, I can transform him.

It was because of the mushroom I figured this out. The intoxication is all tryptamine which means there is no presence of the Goddess, just me and my shadow. My first inclination is I don't need to do these psychedelics anymore. I've transformed; I know the drill. I realize what this experience is about and how to use these tools for awakening and transformation. I think I'm done with them. How selfish of me! Ha! I got what I want and no need to reciprocate. As the night went on and I had to play psychotherapist to my shadow, I became annoyed but once again curious. It wasn't long until I realized my new role. I need to transform my shadow. He seeks peace and I have the elixir to transform him from madman to exalted divinity. The holder of power and great magician who created the material world welcomed back to his rightful place on my eternal throne. He transformed me and I will transform him. That was the agreement and now that I see it I will fulfill my end of the bargain.

The ongoing pandemic forced me to seek out ways of altering my consciousness within my confines I call home. I can't go anywhere. As I decided upon psilocybin and approached the use of magic mushrooms, I concurrently became interested in Tarot. I have a deck and can-do readings. Whoever devised this revelatory and oracular system was tuned into the ultimate meaning and journey called life. The Major Arcana begins with the Fool. Obviously, I'm the Fool and this is my journey; a journey of transformation. The initial counted card coming right after the Fool is my brother, the shadow, the Magician. Somebody knew what's up. I did two readings concerning my shadow and both times pulled the Magician card. My shadow is great of magic and part of the reason why I was so intent upon exploring this aspect of my being is over the past year and a bit the magic available to me and my perception of it has been off the charts. I won't detail it as I won't convince you of its efficacy. The only way you will intuit magic in this world is through personal experience and the subsequent knowing. I'll leave it at that. My shadow holds the power and in the course of awakening this was offered to me. My teachers, both human and divine, all warned me about this power and how it will seduce all who grab the ring. I'm a good listener, the concept of freedom and liberation was drummed into my head, and I used the pursuit of the Goddess to sidestep the trappings of power. I did it! I'm a made man. I left the magic and power to the domain of my brother, my shadow, the great magician. Now, I have the key to fully awaken and transform my brother in my crowning act of unconditional love.

This is how I see it. The worldwide pandemic was enacted until my frustration at not being able to travel would lead me towards investigating alternative methods of altering consciousness. Eventually, as the timespan was reaching the two-year mark, I had to make a decision whether I'd forego integrity and succumb to the demands of culture in order to travel or stay true to self and my convictions and use the time as an opportunity to explore different modalities of consciousness. When I reached the crunch time of decision, the owl appeared to guide my actions and then coincidentally I started seeing avenues of acquisition for psilocybin mushrooms.

When I returned from Peru in March of 2020 and subsequently integrated my experience, I knew any path forward with Ayahuasca had to involve a deep dive into the shadow. My shadow is masculine; well, he is the ultimate alpha male. When I drink Ayahuasca, the experience is balanced. What I mean is that for as much as I wish to explore the shadow there is the presence of la Madre in the journey and she protects me. She has given me her cloak of protection and thus I enter into altered states knowing she has my back. Ultimately, what I'm looking for is a journey that is mano a mano; just me and my shadow.

Now that I have journeyed with magic mushrooms, it's obvious why I was led to their use. They separate the veil between the dark and the light; to wit me and my shadow. This was the experience I wrote about needing to have. Without lockdown, I never would have done it and would have been frustrated with the use of Ayahuasca to go deep, unencumbered into the domain of the shadow. My shadow is the great magician and can weave a worldwide spell. I clearly see this is the reason for the pandemic. I'm sufficiently deluded to believe my shadow is ultimately responsible for the pandemic with the result to steer me towards the mushroom experience.

So, now that I have followed his guiding hand towards the modality of mushrooms, tripped with him one on one, seen the utility of the mushroom, now I predict the pandemic will come to an end over the next few months. For real.

Follow what is calling out to you. I promise you, it's an adventure like no other.

god is unknowable

Did you know God is unknowable? Just when you are spiritually on the cusp of knowing your chosen idol, the guardians of religiosity will drop the hammer on you. Silly you, God is unknowable! He is far off, unfathomable, and unreachable. Christians thus point to Jesus as a way to get to the father. I have written this before and I’ll say it again because it is provocative and loses me followers: Jesus is an avatar for the weak. If you get a hint of whom this God is, the descriptions in the Old Testament of patriarchs approaching him with fear and trembling are accurate. Moses telling the Israelites on the mountain at Sinai in Exodus 19 (King James Version) to not climb the mountain to the abode of God or they will perish is good advice.

16 And it came to pass on the third day in the morning, that there were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of the trumpet exceeding loud; so that all the people that was in the camp trembled.
18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.
21 And the Lord said unto Moses, Go down, charge the people, lest they break through unto the Lord to gaze, and many of them perish.

Coming into direct contact with God will send you scurrying for cover. Who dares to approach and survive the encounter? Not many, that’s for sure. The fright, panic, and subsequent harassment will confound, confuse, and cause you great upset. Pay heed to the advice of cowards and keep him afar and unknowable. If you are going to do it despite this caution, I’d suggest first practice the ability to enter into a state of meditation that allows you to quiet the mind and re-centre. If not, it will be game over in a hurry.

I’m here to help; so, I’ll give you the advice you need however you’ll forget it when you are in the eye of the storm and the fight or flight response kicks in. After you run, depending upon cultural background long haired Jesus may appear, smiling and inviting you to become his follower. Maybe you’ll dream of him and confirm to yourself he is the way and the light.

Jesus stops you in your tracks. He is a roadblock on your path to discovering what is available to you. Thank Jesus and move along.

The unknowable, unreachable, and unfathomable God that is off-limits is you. This whole construct is you as God trying to get to know thyself so you trick yourself into thinking you aren’t who you are and then make many iterations of self in order to be able to self-reflect by looking at the behaviour of others. Everyone is like a mirror and through creating this world you get an idea of what you are made of. The trick is to make sure no one wakes up to the ruse or the experiment is compromised. If enough wake up then the illusion is compromised.

There is an unpleasant side-effect to waking up. As the creator, the suffering of the world you cause and it’s your responsibility. It’s clear. I’m aghast at all the suffering in the world but my actions reveal otherwise. I participate in an economic system that divides the world up into haves and have nots and I make sure I monetize my gifts so I get a piece of the pie and live in modest comfort, never at a lack for food and shelter. I do all this knowing that for the extra I take someone goes without. I use motor vehicles to travel distances each and every day knowing full well I am contributing to the pollution of the world. I heat my home with natural gas that has pipelines leaking poison into our water supply. I support companies that are exploitative like Apple, Amazon, and the like. I invest in the Nasdaq which is home to some of the greediest and power-hungry companies upon the planet. The conditions on earth are all my fault. If we want systemic change, platitudes will not suffice; instead, you have to live the life you point towards. It’s pretty simple. Protests and demonstrations of rage are like pissing into the wind; it’s the easy way out. Become the change you want to see in the world.

That is the answer to the puzzling question that is always posed: If there is an all-loving god then why did he create and allow the suffering? Why does he allow it to continue? Why does he allow the innocent child to get stricken with cancer? This is the world you created. A world of duality that reconciles pleasure and pain and for everyone who hoards resources there are many that have nothing in order to even it out. Everything is reconciled. The cost is suffering. The answer lies at your feet. This is the world that you as God have created. That’s a tough swallow. As long as there is suffering the universe will continue on. Can you see it? Suffering creates our world. Until there is a grand reconciliation, this world of form will remain as a reminder of who you are and the work to be done on self. Love is the way out. To end the suffering, open your heart.

God is unknowable because you can’t see yourself. The invention of the mirror was a boon for narcissists. Similarly, the ingenious device of the one becoming the many acts as a proverbial mirror so you and I as God can psychoanalyse and understand our self. We made the impossible task of self-knowledge a reality through our cunning and ability to hypnotize self into not knowing who we are. Those who start to wake up and question this construct are few and thus the charade can continue merrily along. We can remain in the experiment and observe the actions of others and see how we react once we know. That’s a lot of responsibility to take on; it was probably better when I didn’t know.

If I want a loving universe then I should practice unabashed love. As it stands, the universe is a reflection of me. The suffering, greed, and environmental destruction reflects my attitude and malaise towards them. That’s pretty heavy. This whole construct was a step in the direction of healing and an admission to the Goddess that her path of the heart was always the way. It’s hard for a man to admit he is wrong, especially to his eternal wife. Contrition through self-reflection of my true nature sure hits like a heavy feather.

service as the way forward

Without the pandemic, I would have gone on collecting experience and attempting a reconciliation during ceremony with the darkness within. Who knows where this would have led? I can speculate after frustration it would have led me towards the much-maligned visionary plant that is called toé in the Amazon. I am familiar with this sacred plant from my first foray into the world of plant medicines which has progressed from being scared of the plant to becoming curious due to understanding where the magic leads. The spirit of toé is prevalent the world over and maintains a connection within the roots of all the interconnected species. I say that experientially; when I returned home from the Amazon the first time, I was running scared and I remember walking past a bush of brugmansias in the dead of night and hearing this whistling in my direction. I know it sounds insane but it happened! Toé is an accelerant into the deep darkness and madness of self; ultimately leading towards a reconciliation with the god within. I reconciled with my darkness within through intensive integration forced upon me by this pandemic, helped by Mapacho tobacco; tobacco being the grandfather of the nightshade plants. The intended path forward to fully understand my darkness with more plant medicine ceremonies was instead all revealed and reconciled simply through integration. I had all the answers and just needed to add them up to enact understanding. The pandemic forced these insights upon me and made me alter my plans and the route forward on this magnificent journey.

My journey and intentions coalesced into understanding and brought me to the next crossroad. I have all the answers I seek and I am forever grateful. I did not see a path forward with the main plants I had been in communion with as they had taught me all I need to know. I feel a responsibility to close my relationship with them for now but I know I have to take my leave. At the same time, I was given the answer to the darkness within and I realized my path forward because it was through tobacco I was able to integrate all my lessons. It was because of tobacco that I received strength, protection, power, and the ability to calm the mind and add up all my experiences. Staring me in the face was my destiny; a destiny revealed in 2016 during a Vilca ceremony. I am to heal through the use of tobacco.

How utterly preposterous! No wonder the plants teach you to break free from culture. The first stop is liberation and it is gained by dropping the stories of self and telling the truth. Without these twin pillars of experience, you are destined to remain a puppet of your tribe. You must set yourself free with the tools given to you. Once free, what was once preposterous becomes truth. Tobacco is a magical plant. Tobacco is a dangerous plant. Tobacco demands respect. Tobacco is humanity’s greatest ally.

My nightly ritual involves giving thanks. I embarked upon this spiritual journey of awakening fourteen years ago and everything I asked for I have received while all the time reminding myself to continuously give back and honour the grace I have received.

I don’t think I’m alone in being impatient. What I mean is when I have asked for boons from the plants there is a part of me that thinks the reward should be immediate. In the ensuing weeks the disappointment sets in. I asked for the secrets of the universe to be revealed to me. Why didn’t Mother Ayahuasca come within ceremony and show me how it all works? Isn’t this what is supposed to happen? I asked her to show me and expected results that night.

I haven’t been greedy and maybe I should have asked for more; I mean it’s all available so I could have. The Goddess told me when I first directly met her in an Ayahuasca ceremony that I could ask her anything and she’d give me the answer. I kept my asks from the plants pretty light. I wanted to understand how the universe works. I wanted to know my destiny. And from a curious standpoint, I wanted to decode the Book of Revelation as it was something that fascinated me in my teens. I’m at the point now where I have received all the answers and was guided by the plants along my path of awakening. You have to put in the work and the work is rewarded. My own personal hero’s journey was a necessity if I wished to understand how the universe works and my destiny. In conjunction with self-knowledge is dropping the narrative you tell about yourself and live in truth. It all intrinsically ties together and without self-knowledge you cannot fathom the understanding of the nature of the universe. In other words, all unfolded as it should and the answers I sought were revealed in time.

This blog space is a testament to what I have received from the plants and the eternal spirits I have encountered. Everything I have asked for has been delivered to my door. I have in turn kept my end of the bargain. The promises I made in reciprocity I have fulfilled or am in the process of fulfilling. I made a promise to be of service to the great Mother and to be of service to the plants. The call is strong within and the fulfillment is coming. I couldn’t sidestep this calling even if I wanted to. The strong current of the river of life pulls me along towards my destiny.

My journey of self-knowledge has been fulfilled. I know it will continue on and I’ll never know everything until I return to the vibration of omnipotence however I see now what happens to one who embarks upon an intimate relationship with the plants. There’s an upcoming fork in the road and ultimately the choice is to give the plants up while appreciating and integrating their lessons into your daily life or to be unconditionally of service to them. Alternatively, you could stall out, turn back, and continue unconsciously with them, perhaps being enchanted with ceremony or wowed with fireworks, in essence, taking a conscious path and turning it into the time-honoured path of trivial visionary thrills. Anyway, I have learned so much through this pandemic that has forced me into integrating and reconciling all my plant medicine experiences that I could take these lessons and live a fulfilling life, leading by being a shining example for someone who has levelled up their consciousness. To continue on the plant medicine path is to become of service. I don’t see any other way once you reach this crossroad.

I don’t have the option to choose my path. The calling is loud to continue along the path of service. It’s the only way I see forward and this path obviously involves tobacco as what was revealed to me in a Vilca ceremony five years ago. So much has been subsequently revealed to me about the healing properties of tobacco and the fire burns within to learn all I can and bring the symbiosis back to humanity to reduce suffering. I know by way of past experience whatever I take up in earnest I am successful at and will eventually excel at and master. It’s my calling and I will honour the call.

In early 2020 in the northern highlands of Peru, I participated in a Huachuma ceremony that honoured Mother Earth, Pachamama. The ceremony was one of the finest experiences of my life. So moving and I felt her warm embrace and renewed my pledge to be of service to her. My way forward is to be of service to the Great Goddess. It’s my act of reconciliation and why I dreamt this world into existence, realized it through the form created by the feminine, and how I will ultimately demonstrate my love for her. I discovered my soul mate and Mother Earth she is. Through tobacco I will leave behind the morass of selfishness, be of service, and I will lessen the suffering in the world. That is the way forward. I’m not going to completely heal the world but I will make an impact through service and example and hopefully inspire others to do the same. Love is the lesson. Love is why I’m here.