motel at the crossing

I sense that I may finally be ready. Ready for what? To walk the path of the heart in earnest. It has something to do with desire fulfillment; in essence getting my fill. The process had to play out to its completion and I had to repeatedly make a choice in what path I wished to follow. There have been multiple forks in the road which required a choice. For instance, with plant medicines I had to choose between the right-hand path of elevating the self and becoming a spiritual leader of renown or taking the dull left-hand path, doing the work, and becoming of service. For the most part, the narcissist within is not a problem and therefore I do not seek fame. I prefer to remain anonymous, get my alone time in the forest, and let my actions speak for me. Don Howard would tell us to allow our light to shine. There's no need for a hype man or to acquire followers.

I parked my vehicle at this intersection of choice for a while because I wasn't ready to make the commitment. I'd do a day trip along the path of the heart but would always return to the motel at the crossing. I still wanted to get more of the carnival so I'd pack my bags and venture off into the funhouse for more of the pleasure hit. After the last candy apple, I'd get a stomach ache and return to my room. I'd remember the path of the heart and as Ram Dass would say, "Get my Bkahti hit." My spiritual practice would be invigorated because I drained myself of the material impulse.

I haven't been ready to commit to either path. I enjoyed my time waffling on the edge while the hidden magician within would tempt with more rides. Looking back, I clearly see the temptations and at the time I was aware of the consequences. I never took the last step. If I would have taken that step I would have fucked up my game! I wouldn't have been able to find my way back to the motel. The point was being made that I wasn't ready to make a choice and I had to come to the natural conclusion of desire fulfillment. The magician has been kind to me, knowing when to withdraw the temptation. I'm human and everyone has their breaking point so I know he'd take me to the edge and let me peer into the abyss. The situation would then resolve after I made my choice and I'd go back to my lonely room. I know I purposely seek out temptations in order to get a material hit and remind me I still got it; not being sure what "it" really is. That's the thing about the human predicament. We want to be wanted and to know we are worthy, so we seek out the validation in others who are curiously fighting the same battle.

As a teenager and a young adult, I enjoyed going to the amusement park and going on the rides. Nightclubs were exciting and staying up all night was fun as well. Eventually, we grow older and tire of those thrills and move on to different pastimes which allow us to get to bed before midnight! The same paradigm seems to be at work in the spiritual journey when there comes a point that the choice can be made because the love of the carnival just naturally falls away. My last few trips to the carnival have been pretty short. I'll always have a fondness for the water log ride but in the end, it isn't any more worth the trouble. I do feel the desire waning for the thrill. I never thought I’d get to this point in my life.

I know of the path of the heart and the bliss entailed by walking the trail. I've never followed it for long; always turning back after a few days and returning to the comforts of my lonely room. I'm ready for a long adventure and more importantly I am curious about what I will discover. I've done the work on self and the last few years of forced reconciliation of self has been a tremendous boon for self-knowledge. The path of the heart is inviting me to explore and it's a very exciting opportunity. I've never felt this way before; always viewing the path of the heart as dull and a form of resignation of life. I get the feeling the dull and lifeless entrance is a facade. It keeps the pretenders away.

This has been a tough lesson. I stand ready yet I still want one more trip to the carnival. For sure the duration is becoming shorter and shorter. I step into the circus ring and already I want to leave and go back to the motel.

Time will tell if I truly am ready. The lesson of the light and the darkness within me are ending and I know from experience I will shortly write the exam. When you are ready, the curriculum is accelerated. I remember when I wrote the courage and bravery exam it was shortly after I displayed the necessary amount to be successful in the hero's journey. There was no waiting around and basking in my up-levelling. Instead, within no time I had to write the final exam and get ready for the next lesson. The same scenario is now unfolding. I've completed the lesson of the two brothers within this container of self and the heart lessons await. Let's get to it!