enlightenment travel agent

There's a life balance towards which we all have to pay heed. By this assertion I'm describing our incarnation which involves fulfilling our dreams. Dreams are code for desires. There is a reason we are all in the beautiful freakshow and if you look within you will certainly find it. The balance I am mentioning is due to a concept called reciprocity. We make deposits in this cosmic bank which gives us the capital to pursue our desires. This is a process I've discovered that is never ending and as you progress through life, it just becomes a little more highbrow.

Let me explain further: I went on a spiritual trip at middle age and fell for it hard. I sidestepped the tentacles of culture that are set up to ensnare - you know the church, the eastern disciplines run by westerners, the new age scene, the guy on YouTube with the pretty eyes and all the answers - you know, the whole lot of them. I'm not a joiner and prefer the lone wolf gambit, I'll figure out my own path. It's uniquely for me and I'm not in your shoes so don't take my words or actions as gospel. I became a repository of knowledge and have all the receipts for the accumulation of gobs of knowing. Like a good stew, I then let it marinate while continuing to explore. My path took me from books to getting out in the world and then going into my inner world. I highly recommend the adventure and can help you with a similar itinerary if you wish. I can be your enlightenment travel agent.

There's no certificate for enlightenment. Oh, maybe there is. Perhaps some establishment will give you a piece of paper extolling your spiritual accomplishments after you give them a chunk of change. The point I'm making is if you have an independent streak, no one is going to bestow the title of enlightened upon you and furthermore because it is so nebulous and undefined, you'll always be twisting in the wind wondering if you can now mingle with the holy set. Allowing others to anoint themselves is bad for the spiritual business. As with all human endeavours, we need to appeal to an authority with the power to bestow honourifics.

What I'm getting at, tongue in cheek, but with a lot of truth based on my journey is that intuitively you will know when you know. What is it that you know? You know who you are. You know why you are here. You know the path forward. You want to help others see it and allow them to progress at their own pace.

A cold plunge isn't going to bring you to enlightenment. You know what will? Sinking into your many faults and making the mirror so present you will see it. Overload yourself with what makes you repeatedly fall down to the point you finally acknowledge it. Then the real work can begin where you transform those faults into strength. You walk through the fire and before perishing you turn yourself into a woman or man of steel.

I'm writing about this because the time is at hand. I have wanted to be of service and give back. I didn't know how to do this. I'm not an extrovert and struggle playing the game of wanting to help groups of people. Frankly, I suck at it. I couldn't start a men's club or a spiritual group. I'd hate it and look for a way out.

I wrote this a few months before my recent trip to Peru. I re-read it recently and it sums up my path of service:

I live a good life. Giving back involves service. I have gifts I can share with those who are looking for answers. I can give them knowledge and understanding and steer them in directions which will help them find what it is they are looking for. I've been through the fire and came out the other side. Fulfillment of the spiritual path is the most difficult undertaking of your lifetime, propelling you through challenges and encounters with the darkest of the dark. Making good choices always works out. Once you see the answer to the multitude of tests, you can let go of the fear and find your way.

I have life capital I can use to invest in others. I can hoard what I have as security against whatever is coming my way, or I can start spreading it around now. I can die with millions in the bank or Be Here Now in service. I've discovered the secret for my happiness. It's to be free. You need some coins to be free, but not a lot. The road ahead is well illumined. That's the startling point of this whole trip. I expected a trip into the fog of not knowing and mystery. The clarity is razor sharp.

My path forward is one of service for those who want to know. Service to the Great Goddess and to show the way towards healing and fulfillment of desires. You are free to call those desires your life mission. I will be a guide and point the way towards wholeness of self.

access to power

You can create an axis mundi, which is an access to power, anywhere on the earth. It’s the genius of the spherical shaped planet we call home. The potential to become power is always present but unless you discover and figure it out, you’ll go to your grave oblivious to its secret. At Chavín de Huántar, the axis mundi was designated at a spot where two rivers meet in a valley plain. The stone idol worshipped at Chavín, we call the lanzon, is an amalgamation of all the forces in the universe into the one.

The artistry is peculiar and unique to not only the era but also the modern human. Form is present though all is encapsulated within the one image. It is an ingenious way of depicting chaos; chaos being non-differentiated unity and this structure represented crystallized power at Chavín. The unleashing of the power was the coming forth of the god as a jaguar. Placed in an underground labyrinth, the god's height allowed them to inhabit a representation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper regions. In addition, the lanzon's placement was such that on the solstices the rising and setting sun would enlighten the large lance-like monolith. It is truly the temple of the jaguar and ceremony was performed where the adherent would transform into the jaguar as the power was unleashed within. Chavín de Huántar was at the time one of the most powerful places upon earth.

The axis mundi is the mythological tree of life. Eternal life is the secret it holds; however, be aware the chalice of immortality is guarded by the dragon. To access power is to slay the dragon. The path will take you inwards to the ultimate conundrum which is that you are the dragon. The Goddess gave me the strength and courage to pick up my sword and continue on in this journey where I would slay the dragon. That’s what she told me but she knew all along the process of discovery would lead to discovery of the identity of the dragon and a subsequent liberation of both her and the adversary I entered into battle with. The access to power is the stuff of what could be termed magical. It’s not instantaneous and takes time, patience, discipline, and understanding. Who would have thought magic involved the disciplinary arts? Isn’t it all instantaneous hocus pocus? You set up your axis mundi, slowly build upon it, get to know all the pieces on the game board, and come to understand the interplay of the opposites and the roles they play in this great drama. You let go of preconceived notions, prejudices, and cultural blocks. The blocks to clear are the cautions to stay away from the occult and the dark forces of magic. From this point you need a catalyst. The catalyst is something that will activate the power within. For me, it is Mapacho Tobacco. The great teacher unlocks the power within my form. Subsequently, at my Mesa I perform ceremony and ritual which potentiates the energy at this most holy power centre. The power envelops and rises within my form. The load on my body is electrifying. I am but a novice so I haven’t fully learned to channel the energy as of yet. Honestly, I’m amazed at how I have freed the power within my Mesa which is based upon what the great maestro don Howard, Otorongo Blanco of the Upper Amazon taught me. It’s been a multi-year project where I did not seek out power but was instead faithful to respect and ritual at my Mesa. 

The gift of conscious awareness comes from the Goddess and her birthing of forms. She then takes away awareness through death and dissolution. The hidden path is the journey of discovery and subsequent combining of your consciousness to your energetic signature. It is the forging of steel through the union of awareness and energy in the fires of this hell tempered by the love of the Goddess. My eternal vibration will become inexorably aware. Eternal life for conscious awareness is what I'm up to. My shadow I discovered is this divine masculine energy. He is God. He is power. He is only a shadow because I denied and buried him deep. Recovering the knowledge of his presence and guiding hand is healing. My super power is consciousness. The divine masculine offers indestructible life. This is the essence of my destiny and my path going forth for the rest of my life. I accessed the fount of power but somehow knew enough what to do with it thanks to the lessons from the feminine divine.

So, I was standing at my Mesa last night lit up with power — both the Mesa and myself. I thought back to the origins of this journey I am on. The path I’m walking was an invitation presented to me by the Great Goddess whom I discovered in Egypt. She invited me to find her. I found her in the Amazon jungle. Once found, she implored me to free her. Take up your sword and slay the dragon! Here I am. I went after him and he beat me into a pulp. I retreated, regrouped, and came back. I didn’t chase his power even though there was lots of it offered to me. I kept true to my word and went after him as I promised the Goddess. Eventually, my noble intention was honoured. The dragon let me into his inner circle. I wasn’t after power. I sought liberation and knowledge. I had the antidote to the chains of both Goddess and God. Through discovering it was I who was the dragon, I freed the Goddess and myself.

As the rising power rippled through my being last night I thought of don Howard; primarily, his example and subtle words. He would sit a group of us down and talk about power. Having access to it and being tempted and seduced by its call; like he knew something about this journey we were about to undertake. He never showed his cards. I think he relied on the medicine to reveal what he hinted at and was preparing us for the choice. As part of the lesson he would talk about ayni. Everything is this world is connected and thus reciprocal. You take and you give back. It’s the scales of reciprocity. When you apply this lesson to power you clearly see why power corrupts. The siren song of taking the power offered will get you. Every time. When you take power as offered you are in debt and then come the interest payments and requirement to offer something back in return. We were instructed to set intentions and thus make grandiose promises but soon we are monetizing our newfound access to power and figuring out how we are going to take advantage of our boon.

To be liberated is to live in obscurity. Don Howard kept a low profile and he was the greatest man I ever met. Seriously, that man sat on a goldmine and had knowledge and know how that dwarfed all others yet he was in service to the greater good. He made a promise to raise consciousness for the good of all and did not waver from that promise. His legacy lives on in the spirit of those whom he touched and got the message. I’ve been fortunate enough to surround myself with some of those people. I looked back last night on the journey and realized I could not have done it without him. My Mesa I stand in front of in service is a direct result of don Howard. He showed me the set up; explained the principles; and sent me home with my interest piqued. I gradually assembled my Mesa and in this last year placed the Lanzon in the centre and thus discovered the secret of its power. My Mesa is lit.

sacrifice

There’s always something to master. I embarked upon a spiritual path about 14 years ago and I have answered the majority of the questions that I wondered about. I am cautiously proud of myself for seeing the journey through, for forging onwards when the journey got very difficult, and for not falling into any of the myriad of pitfalls placed along the path. Always having something to master is frustrating. I would have thought spiritual mastery and seeing through the game would be the ultimate achievement. I’m pretty much at this point, yet I am incredibly frustrated at my inability to master some basic life skills. My otherworldly teachers must shake their heads as never before have they had a student that could complete the spiritual journey like I did considering my starting point as a beta male in a western material world. Worldly power and rewards did not capture me. Cultural pitfalls sure to trip anyone up, I sidestepped. Heavy doses of fear, I overcame. Threats of death I ignored and soldiered on. Many magicians posing as teachers reached out for me however I stuck to the dead teachers of yesteryear and ignored the parasites that attached themselves to their teachings. Ha ha I did it! I won! I see with a clarity like no other how it all works. Yet, my life isn’t perfect. Desires and thought patterns I know I can break free of I remain a slave to. I think I should turn my attention towards them much like I did with the spiritual path. I need to quell the frustration within.

Liberation involves sacrifice. When you are ready to go full on into freeing yourself from all that holds you back then you have to start giving up some things that will cause you suffering or in some cases it’s sacrificing some pleasure to forego that subsequent pain. Ice cream will give you some immediate mouth pleasure however the obesity and diabetes may not be worth it in the end!

I wanted to write a blog post about sacrifice in order to better understand it. My knowledge concerning sacrifice immediately leads me to stories in the Bible concerning sacrifice for ablution of sin and the story of Abraham’s obedience to Yahweh concerning sacrificing his firstborn son Isaac. In that case, it’s a pretty good study of what was valued the most in that period of time and to Abraham it was his son Isaac who would inherit his worldly possessions gained by his accomplishments. The test was to see if he would give that up for his god. Similarly, the idea of sacrificing your best bullock to your god is a big deal. We’d all prefer to give up the small and sickly animal and the idea of ancient sacrifice involved paying a heavy price. A nice reward from your chosen deity isn’t free.

What is the limit of credulity? What can you get humans to do in order to obtain power? Do they have a limit as to how far they will go? For some, there doesn’t seem to be a line they wouldn’t cross. Is that the lesson of the absurdity of the backbone of some religions? If you give up what is the most valuable to you, besides your own life, then you will be rewarded. The sacrifice is a symbol of your depravity and the extremes you would go to get what you want. Would you sacrifice your firstborn to gain favour with your god? When the bastions of power within society come for your children for profit and the subsequent power it brings, do you let them have your children or do you stand up at great risk to life and livelihood?

Sacrifice of life in order to go on living is a necessity. Daily involuntary slaughter of life so that we survive. That reality is something I don’t like thinking about. What is survival and why do I have to take life to live? Why do I trap myself in a belief that in order to attain my spiritual bona fides I need to become a vegan and not take animal life? What is the reward that is sought? Are you not upsetting the god of the plants? Why this paradox and this question I can’t satisfactorily answer? For animal life forms, the game is designed so you have to eat others or perish and eventually in turn be eaten. Them the parameters of the game, if you choose to play. Limit the suffering, move on towards the next level, and don’t get caught.

This kind of answers the question about ancient practices of taking life as ritual and sacrifice. Since there was no way out of the trap, in turn it was made holy. The life was offered to the god, including the best fat of the animal, and in turn you got your fill.

There’re also stories, not only in the Bible, but throughout antiquity of sacrificing the firstborn with a prohibition concerning this practice in the Bible confirming that it was practised in ancient times to gain favour with a chosen god. Ultimately, the substitute sacrifice for the firstborn is transferred on to the Lamb and reaches its fruition in the New Testament crucifixion and sacrifice of Christ to save humankind from its sins. The backbone of Judeo-Christianity is sacrifice of the firstborn.

I could go on and on about this and have even written a book about this very idea however it’s not the scope of this post. What I’m really trying to get at is the concept of sacrifice. At its core, sacrifice seems to be the idea that in order to gain something from your god or perhaps gain favour there has to be a transactional exchange. This struck a chord with me because it sounds like the concepts of reciprocity and reconciliation. We are playing a zero-sum game and for every gain for someone there is a loss for others. In a community where resources are all shared, if someone suddenly has way more material goods than another then somewhere along the line someone had to suffer a loss in order for the wealthy to have acquired their goods.

Spiritual paths of antiquity all had elements of sacrifice in them. You gave something up of value to the gods in exchange for a boon or forgiveness. In a way, it speaks to reconciliation and reciprocity where in essence you are trying to even out your karma so the evil eye of others’ jealousy does not cast a spell on your good fortune.

The concept of reciprocity as found in pre-Columbian South America was called ayni and operated on the simple concept that for everything you take you must give back an equal amount. I’ve seen it at work in my exploration of plant medicines. You can ask for a favour or a healing from a plant however there is an offering to be made. In other words, a sacrifice. It’s an honour system where the plant medicine will give you the boon you asked for and then await fulfillment of what you promised in return. This is where reconciliation comes into play. If you work with plant medicines enough you will see that if you do not fulfill your promises, eventually they leave you. The internet is rife with stories of selfish humans claiming the plants abandoned or turned on them; all said in earnest without a clue that the problem may lay with you and the fact you are all take and no give.

So, what I’m getting at is the concept of sacrifice parallels with the idea of reciprocity. Giving up something to get something. Reciprocity and reconciliation. The ultimate sacrifice was when you originally gave up knowledge of self for a ticket to the carnival of life. To return, I must sacrifice the rewards and pleasures of this life I have earned and grown accustomed towards. It’s such an interesting wheel of fortune. Give it all up to advance on the big game board. Give it all up for a new roll of the dice. Start over with nothing and play that earth game until you accumulate a new-found fortune. And then to return home, you once again give it all away. The ticket to ride always involves sacrifice.

You sacrifice omnipotence in order to play the game of life. Finally, you sacrifice the self and everything you accumulated in order to return to what it was you originally sacrificed. Therein lies the rub: Do you wait until the catastrophic full stop of death or do you beat the game and do it now?

fairy tales and magic

After a couple weeks in the jungle it was time to head up into the heavens in the Andes mountains located in the vicinity of north central Peru.

I was eager to continue my lessons with Huachuma as I had fallen in love with the medicine and wasn’t ready to let go. It’s curious how everything works out. Parker is fond of saying that when you let go of old paradigms things start happening for you instead of to you and this is exhibit A. When I started thinking about making this trip to Peru after don Howard had passed away, I wanted to make a pilgrimage to Chavín de Huántar as he had talked so much about it and based his shamanic practice and lineage upon their culture. I mentioned it to Parker and asked if he had time to make the journey out with me to which he eagerly accepted and actually had a contact out that way that don Howard highly recommended. Well things got a rolling from there and before I knew it we had secured not only a seasoned guide but a shamanic practitioner of the highest order! We eventually made plans to spend eight days in the mountains with four more ceremonies of Huachuma at hallowed and sacred sites. In the run up to the trip a friend of Parker’s confirmed he would join us and then while at SpiritQuest we added one more traveller to make it a foursome. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of travelling companions and once again it all just came together in my favour; like it was happening for me. Such good fortune and it’s not lost on me how much of a blessing the whole experience is and the pull to give back to that bank of ayni is strong.

Day 16, Friday February 28th

Our group made it to the town of Chavín early in the morning after a twelve hour overnight bus ride from Lima.

I slept sporadically however the excitement and anticipation of a plant medicine ceremony on the grounds of the fabled Chavín de Huántar at the temple of the jaguar was enough of an adrenaline kick to get me through the day. We met up with the maestro don Martín at 9:30am and he took us to his wonderful store in town which was full of his hand carved stone replicas of Chavín treasures. Then we headed off to the archaeological site of Chavín de Huántar.

The shaman led us down to the river bank where he set up his Mesa amongst the roar of the Mosna river.

The maestro had an impeccable ceremony, punctuated by an offering of coca leaves to Pachamama and then burying the leaves into her womb in the earth. The four of us in the group plus don Martín took turns drinking the filled to the brim cup of Huachuma.

The maestro's preparation of the brew is less reduced and refined than what I was used to via SpiritQuest. It was bright green in colour, there were some chunks of cactus within the cup, and the consistency is more in line with the kind of pulpy and slimy nature of the cactus you would expect. The taste was rather indifferent and probably the easiest of any plant medicines I have drank, though the cup that was filled to the brim was daunting by just looking at the task ahead. After drinking, we separated and went off to a spot along the roaring river.

I dipped my toes into the river, which was very cold, and then admired the scenery while contemplating the ancient connections to a great civilization and the sacredness that this place exuded. Huachumita came on gradually over the next hour and then I felt everything get very relaxed and dreamy while the sounds of nature became clearer. My ask for this round of medicine work was three fold: first I wanted to continue to explore the dream world and the nature of energy that powers creation. Second of all I wanted to continue the Huachuma teachings of heaven and hell as a continual reminder to stay in the heart space. Plus I wanted to continue to explore my passions and desires that seem to rise up whenever I explore my inner true self or ignore my dark side. The effects came on stronger when I closed my eyes so I went with that modality and entered into a dreamlike malaise. Huachumita started teaching me about the carnival and how our energy consciousness enters into lower forms of energy, such as the meat body, and we experience creation as such. We subconsciously glorify these concepts with our language such as the word carné in Spanish for meat and world cultural celebrations of Carnival such as in the Caribbean and Mardi Gras in New Orleans where unabashed hedonism and revelry are the order of the day. We as energetic beings enter into the created world and are in theory free to make of this opportunity what we will. I then explored the ability I have to take something I think about in this dreamlike state and then let the visionary take hold and expand upon this energy my consciousness has brought forth. It re-emphasized the idea we create our own reality both through how we choose to view our predicament and then by also enabling thoughts and events we wish to manifest. This also was in alignment to the teachings of heaven and hell where if I engage the mind and think negative thoughts, the medicine will take these mind creations and play them out to the extreme. The lesson is to be careful of what you do cultivate within the mind if you must be in that space. I then got up and walked around and felt a calming peacefulness within before we re-gathered around don Martín’s portable Mesa about two hours after we first drank. We were all offered more and all downed a second cup. This time the intensity hit quicker and amped everything up another notch. I walked around in the grass while the hot sun beat down upon my exposed skin as the familiar energy started quickly pulsing through me, signalling the approach of the god. The energy was very serpentine and I swayed to its rhythms that were enveloping me. I took notice of the agave plant and went over to feel the serrated edges of its leaves while admiring its unique appearance. It dawned on me that the serpentine nature of its leaves is related to the image I see when I feel the passion and lust of the medicine coursing through me. In the Amazon it always appeared both reptilian as well as plant like and I realized the agave plant here in the Andes mountains I had been foreshadowing. I then started seeing this plant everywhere as once again I explored the rising desires that are sexual in nature and are part of my true nature. This part of the medicine stayed with me the rest of the day and came on in intense waves of lustful energy. I started to fully realize the reason behind why this energy would sometimes amp up. It goes back to an exploration of divine feminine and masculine energy back in late 2017 and how the coming together of the two gives rise to the sum in the form of the coming forth of the god. This energy was the culmination of everything I’d learned and the magic was real. I sat with this for a while while also realizing the strength of the sun at this high altitude was both energizing me as well as cooking my skin during this day full of the sun’s loving rays. Don Martín then took us on a walk through the temple grounds where he had privileged access to all the spots normally unavailable to tourists. He guided us to special energy centres within the space while I continued to work with my pulsing energy.

Eventually the lesson of heaven and hell became present once again and I started wondering about human sacrifice at Chavín and I concocted a far fetched story in my mind putting myself in the role of a modern day sacrifice. I eventually moved past this mental hell but it was a good reminder to keep a leash on the wanderings of the mind. We visited the underground crypts and labyrinth where the stone idol called the Lanzon is situated.

The idea of this god is it depicts our divine nature in that the figure is an anthropomorphic amalgamation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper worlds represented by the serpent, jaguar, and eagle. Within the temple the god’s height encompasses over 16 feet and touches the subterranean, the earth, and protrudes out from the temple in order to touch the sky and reveal its function as an axis mundi. The left hand is lowered with the back of the hand visible while the right arm is raised and open palm is visible; all this representing a coming together and mediation of opposing forces. When you alter your consciousness and the god comes to you, then is seen these truths and the knowledge and identity of the central idol of Chavín is revealed. The uninitiated and casual observer is left perplexed at this strange figure. It is always interesting to acknowledge the deep psychological knowledge of ancient civilizations that we tend to dismiss as primitive when in fact they were representing our lower self, self, and higher self within the temple grounds and idol here at Chavín. Not only that but they combined it with the need to reconcile the feminine and masculine energies and all this they represented in the Andean cross called the chakana. I wonder why our intellectual disciplines of anthropology, archaeology, psychology, and comparative religion don’t synergize towards a greater understanding of the human condition but instead remain separate disciplines disconnected from these truths? The layout of the temple is practically screaming out these answers but instead it's treated as a curiosity of long ago while now hosting groups of ignorant selfie-stick tourists. You could feel the deep reverence don Martín has for the place and also within his soul you can see the sadness over what this place has become. We will never reclaim what was lost here. It will take a catastrophic event that would send our civilization back to the Stone Age where we start over. Access to the Lanzon was blocked by a glass door which in my reverence I banged into, not realizing it was there. I felt the power of the central idol and felt its snarling presence. As I stood there mesmerized I remembered to enter into the heart space and the snarl turned into a smile. Later don Martín got us full access and we all gathered around the Lanzon and felt its healing power envelop us, much like the Mesa at SpiritQuest. Don Martín managed to get us into other privileged places such as a crypt that was about four storeys underground where I experienced the deepest and quietest meditation of my life.

The intense energy continued to fluctuate through my body in waves and I gave up on having anymore thoughts and just examined the impact on my body. We went for dinner and feasted on seafood before calling it a night. Another lifetime in a day.

Day 18, Sunday March 1st

We drove almost two hours up into the mountains to Huascarán National Park and made our way to Laguna de Purhuay at an elevation of about 12,000 feet.

Our shaman knew the area like the back of his hand and led us on a path that culminated in entering through three small passageways into a circular enclosure that housed a pit filled with rocks.

The three circular enclosures represented the upper, middle, and lower worlds. The pit at one time was filled with water and the ceremony was to represent water, the Yacumama mesada. He set up his portable Mesa and then we splashed perfume upon ourselves before making an offering to Pachamama with coca leaves which we then buried under the rocks in the pit. We took turns drinking a full cup of Huachuma and I was the last to drink. The maestro immediately offered us more and he gave me three quarters of a cup as the second person to drink this time. I drank it all down but then came pretty close to vomiting it back up. I miraculously held it back and then just sat there trying to regain my composure. We were then sent off to explore for the next four and a half hours. I climbed up an incline on the path and sat down on a rock however soon afterwards I started to feel sick so I got up and paced around until eventually I puked up the whole brew. Though my stomach felt much better I was disappointed I’d be pretty much out of the medicine all day. I lay down on the rocks and had a pleasant time with my eyes closed just taking in the sounds. With my eyes open I could see the energy around me but that was as far as I got with the effects of the medicine. I got up and went for a long hike on the different paths which reminded me of going on hikes with my dog in the woods where I bring my Mapacho and make a connection with my higher self.

It’s almost like that was the lesson in that I knew from the last ceremony that I didn’t need to be in the medicine anymore to have teachings because if I go to a quiet place or do walking meditation I make the connection and do have profound revelations and insights. I have known this for a while and so the day was another way to practice this while I was away from the direct effects of the medicine. I was trailed on the hike by a pack of dogs that were loud so I still had my usual canine companions following me. 

I started going through my dark side traits and since I had reconciled with them in the final Ayahuasca ceremony, I was just once again going through them and bringing them into the light as it is a good exercise to not bury them any longer. I sat down under a shelter when it started to pour and just started laughing at myself again. It had taken me 52 years to finally reconcile with who I am and just accept it. I thought of a deck of cards and how there are 52 cards in the pack and felt this had a connection to where I am in my life and how I can spend the rest of my lifetime as a wild card just like the joker. I then thought of the comedian Bill Hicks and this disturbing routine he would do where he would become the lustful ‘goat boy.’ He had clearly reconciled with his dark side and wasn’t afraid to bring it out into the open in a comedic and baring his inner most thoughts kind of way. I felt respect and gratitude for him just because he said fuck it, this is who I am. This was all I needed from the day to feel content in this gorgeous location. We ate fruit and smoked Mapacho before heading back, stopping along the way for some trout soup.

Once again a talk with Parker helped me clarify what I have learned on this latest probing of my consciousness. I was telling him of my dark side and my discoveries of it being my true self while he reminded me that my higher self, my light side I bring out into the world, is just as big a part of me as my dark side. It allowed me to clearly see the harmony of self and how unique we are to embody these two halves that combine to make the self. I thought about the flimsiness of the character we play as ego and how that can be shattered in a blink of an eye, especially if the dark side leads us down a path of recklessness that becomes an albatross to maintaining a respectable identity. Funny thing this life is, where we need to put the brakes sometimes on our passions and desires. I thought of my first Ayahuasca ceremony this trip where I was racing past police cars, yellow lights, and then red lights in a seemingly out of control manner. It all started to make a great deal of sense.

Day 19, Monday March 2nd

Butterfly Lessons

Ever since discovering my hidden feminine half I've had a special affinity with the butterfly. The first time I remember it as an omen was my initial trip to SpiritQuest where after a difficult ceremony a butterfly appeared and then the following ceremony was an appearance of the Goddess in her tower which was a ceremony for the ages. When I went to SpiritQuest in March of 2019 the symbolism and appearance of the butterfly was off the charts representing the female sex organs. Once again during this round of my most recent Ayahuasca ceremonies, the butterfly appeared as I chased after the Goddess. During the second Huachuma mesada ceremony at SpiritQuest this year a flock of butterflies appeared as I found the key to heaven. Finally revealed at Chavín I got the lesson of proximity of energetic fields through the synchronization of two butterflies in flight.

There is a connection of the butterfly to the intense sexual energy I perceive with Huachuma. I have drank Huachuma enough now to be able to sit with this energy and figure out what potentiates it. For sure when you drink Huachuma you feel this energy but for me on some of my journeys this energy becomes next level and so intense. I have labelled it serpent power and the kundalini rising up within. Lately it has been taking over my body with this intense fluttering as well as when I close my eyes this intense sexual passion and energy appears as these hot and smouldering colours. Words don’t do this justice.

During the Huachuma ceremony at Chavín I was feeling this energy when I spotted two yellow butterflies flying around coming closer to each other and almost touching and then flying off. They would continually repeat this behaviour in my presence. It started to dawn on me that their proximity to one another was in essence a union of the two, a harmonic convergence, forming a connection that was probably similar to the feelings I get with plant medicines. I remembered my studies of ancient Egypt where the male gods depicted as frogs in the Ogdoad all needed the power of the Goddess as the serpent to be effective. It points to a metaphor of the polarity of a battery and the two poles of feminine and masculine to release the charge. Each power on its own is dormant until they come together.

So I had my answer and looked back on my Huachuma ceremonies where I have felt this power. In all these ceremonies is the setting and presence of strong feminine energy. The proximity of the goddess energy, like the example of the butterflies, is what charges the energy within me and sends me to the heights of energetic bliss.

Day 20, Tuesday March 3rd

We left Chavín early at 6am and made our way towards Huaraz, stopping after a three hour ride at a spot in the Cordillera Negra mountain range called Hatun Mache which is a Bosque de Rochas that translates as forest of rocks.

We were led to a natural cave by don Martín where he set up his Mesa and then blew into his conch shell which echoed off the natural amphitheater into the breathtaking views of the mountains.

I told the maestro I only wanted to drink one cup and then wait for a bit before drinking a second cup in order to limit the chances of vomiting it back up again. The shaman’s brew doesn’t taste awful, it is a little bit mucous like, and with an empty stomach the first cup set pretty well. I went for a walk and explored the rock forest before finding a place to settle. The scenery of the forest was fantastic and I lamented the fact I left my camera back at the cave. The first hour and a half with the medicine was peaceful and dreamy though I wasn’t feeling energetic. I returned to don Martín’s Mesa, drank another cup, and then grabbed my camera to photograph the rocks as we were given twenty minutes before we would move on. Little did I know don Martín was going to lead us on an epic adventure through the rock forest. The rocks were beyond belief and their grandeur was heightened by the effects of Huachumita taking hold.

We hiked quite a distance through this strange and magical place that was seemingly endless. We were so high up, close to 14,000 feet, that we could see the clouds roll in around us.

The maestro had us stop at this surreal place with towering cliffs and menacing rocks for two hours as the medicine’s effects ratcheted up.

I laid down on the rocks and just witnessed the energy grow with intensity until I started to hear a choir singing in the heavens around us and then a clap of thunder interrupted the performance. I thought of angels and dragons as the clouds finished rolling in which completely encased us in a fog. It was like a scene in some kind of enchanted fairy tale and I became the hero of the story, full of courage, who ventures into the heavens to find and slay the dragon. The dragon is full of pride and wants to be known as the strongest and smartest of all. I knew I could never defeat him by challenging him to a fight but I knew I could outsmart him which really pisses him off. He could take me out with one blast of his breath but he has honour and will engage in this battle of wits. I have known since I started drinking plant medicines that the quest I am on would come down to this: I’d seek out the dragon and then take him down. Here I was in the heavens realizing this was all really true. I couldn’t believe it because it is the stuff of fantasy even though my plant medicine journeys would continually reveal this quest to me. So here I was in the heart space and now fully believing in this fairy tale and it was happening, basically the culmination of this seven year journey. In an interesting and unexpected twist, Huachumita took metaphor and presented it as reality. The next ceremony at Heaven's Gate has become very intriguing to say the least. I sat on a rock, full of courage, and contemplated the completion of my hero’s journey as it was all coming together at this very moment. I felt the magic in the world and smiled at this dreamworld we live in. This all coincides with this book I have been researching and writing for the last several years which is reaching its conclusion as well and it is all about defeating the dragon. This life has become reality shrouded in fantasy.

The clouds had completely enveloped us by this time as we began the trek back to the entrance.

Without don Martín’s guidance I would have been lost forever in Medusa’s stone forest. In fact I’m not sure this place exists. I think it re-appears every morning at daybreak before disappearing once again in late afternoon. The drive back to Huaraz was full of the energy ebbing and flowing. My music was heavenly and seemed to be playing at a slower speed. The four of us went for dinner, we were all still so high and feeling the love, while the medicine stayed strong. We talked until 11pm and then feeling a reprieve in the energy, settled in for a good night’s sleep as the last page in the fairy tale turned over.

This was undoubtably the most strange and incredible journey I have had with Huachuma. The sum of my medicine journeys have prepared me well to face any adversity with an open heart and courage and to stay clear of engaging the mind. Just let it flow. I learned the lessons well and was the ultimate hero today in facing something so much more powerful than me and chiding the dragon by telling him I will outsmart him in the end. During past journeys with Huachuma I would have been reduced to a heightened sense of fear at what was all transpiring before me; now I know enough to stay in the heart centre and face whatever comes at me. The battle is won with courage and it is something don Howard would reference when he’d ask “Where do you think courage comes from?"

You can’t make this stuff up.

Day 22, Thursday March 5th

I have completed sixteen Huachuma ceremonies over the course of the last five years with the final one of this latest round of work a bit later this morning. I think I can speak with some sort of clarity on the effects of the medicine.

Number one is that it is not a hallucinogen. Visions are sporadic if you get them at all. Instead Huachuma is a clarigen that amplifies everything, whether that is realizing the beauty of nature, feelings, your open heart, your distrusting mind, sounds, and energy. The connection and harmonization between two energy polarities such as feminine and masculine is also laid bare if you take notice.

Along the same line, Huachuma is a potentiator of the energy in your body. Everything becomes more focused and clear and as you start to work with the medicine you pick up on this and discover what is happening in a way that makes it undeniable. Your consciousness is elevated to the point where you are seeing and feeling a different perspective of what you have always been perceiving and this allows you to see things in a new light.

If I am around something such as the beauty in nature or someone I am attracted to then the pull of the energy is undeniable. I have witnessed this enough to see that just being in the setting of and the energy being expressed leads to a harmonization of the two energy fields and this joining leads to an incredible feeling of pleasure throughout the body that could be thought of as a full body orgasm. It can come on as rising energy that makes you flutter and at first experience you can be taken aback by it however when it continually happens you take notice of why it is happening and then you can relax and enjoy its power.

Today marked the last ceremony of this epic trip and my proverbial cup is full. I had no asks for this ceremony and just wanted to be a conduit for the energy that flows through me, always amplified by the Huachuma medicine. We drove about three hours from Huaraz to Laguna de Llanganuco, otherwise known as Heaven’s Gate which is part of the Huascarán National Park located in the Cordillera Blanca mountain range. About half the drive was up the mountain on a bumpy dirt road that felt like a rickety wooden rollercoaster. The drive was more than worth it as we reached an elevation of 13,000 feet and were greeted by a crystal clear turquoise lagoon and soaring mountain tops.

We hiked along the water’s edge, past the tourist trails, and into a secluded area that was hidden by some brush that the shaman told us was don Howard’s favourite spot.

The maestro conducted another breathtaking and flawless ceremony and I downed a cup of the medicine with ease on my empty and fasting stomach.

The others in the group downed two cups but I didn’t want to take a chance of purging so don Martín gave me an hour before I would drink a second cup. During the first hour once again the senses became alert and sharpened. I surveyed the beautiful scenery and noticed clouds covering the snow capped Huascarán mountain peak.

I wondered if the dragon was veiled by the clouds and if I would see him when the clouds lifted? I spent some time taking pictures of my fellow travellers as the medicine gave me a peaceful and calm feeling. The hour passed by relatively quickly and I drank another full cup with relative ease. Within five minutes I was feeling the intense energy and coming of the god that envelops me while we all went our separate ways. At this point in our multi-ceremony journeys we all pretty much practice the STFU method and so for the next two hours we just all sat or stood alone with the medicine.

The energy load was strong and I felt like a conduit for all the energy in our world. Through belief and desire I realize I shaped my world through the choices made as the energy is then directed into whatever is chosen. I was reminded of my light and dark sides and how the energy vacillates between the two extremes, creating the self at the midway point of the crest and trough of the energetic wave. All is vibration, as the Goddess explained to me the first time I ever drank Ayahuasca. The knowledge download of the light and dark sides of me being a wave pattern was such a great revelation and should allow me to just reconcile with myself and live a more accepting and peaceful life, not wanting to bury parts of me I shun anymore because of culture and expectations. Without both polarities there is no life; instead everything would come to a standstill and without motion there is no life. To live a pure and holy life is to cease to manifest.

I also pondered those who chase an adrenaline rush where the energy we carry around is amplified by putting oneself in a situation where the adrenaline increases the energy load within. Huachuma for me is doing this and also transforming the energy into the power that is behind all of life that consists of the all encompassing love of the feminine source and the consciousness of the masculine source.

The intensity of the medicine increased and the next wave hit as a blast of sexual energy. I became quite fidgety and paced around as it kept growing stronger. I wondered how much of this my body could handle? Parker lent me his sunglasses so I could look directly at the sun which was so high and radiant in the sky and shining with a glorious intensity. By just staring at the sun the energy subsided and I felt a peaceful calm wash over me. I had laid down to stare at the sun as up to this point in today’s journey I had remained upright because the Huachuma settles better in my stomach while upright. Now it felt way more enjoyable to remain lying down even after I gave Parker his sunglasses back. The waves of intense energy returned as I rolled away from direct contact with the sun. At this point Kylie walked past me and grabbed my outstretched hand. The act of holding her hand allowed my energy to transfer to her and I felt a reprieve. It was a double edged sword though as the more I felt her touch the waves of energy intensified and this went on for a while.

The maestro had prepared another ceremony, this time with Pachamama, the great spirit of Mother Earth. He dug a hole in the ground and made offerings of coca followed by corn mixed with grains. We all had a turn to make an offering and I thanked the great Mother for all she had done for me, for this magical day I was currently in love with, and how she created this playground for her children, who are the manifestations of the feminine and masculine energies that pervade all of creation. She created the world in order that we may experience life in a conscious body and play games such as the one I am playing where I will slay the dragon while seeking to free my other half in some extended chase and teasing foreplay divine scenario. I had no more to ask of her as she has done so much for me and I affirmed I’d forever be in her service and need to step up my game in regards to calling out the destruction of this amazing planet we all share. We all took turns with our offerings and then we took the dirt in our hands and covered the offerings while giving thanks. It was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I’d ever had the privilege to be a part of.

After a fruit explosion in our mouths, we cuddled up against the cliff of the mountain and don Martín told us the story of the two great mountains of the lagoon as star-crossed lovers who express their eternal love as the two mountains who in their grandeur face each other for eternity.

We started the hike back to the passenger van with Kylie, Cain, and myself taking our sweet time keeping up with the rest of the group as we drank in as much of the experience as possible. Feeling elated, we kept stopping for pictures. Eventually we caught up to the group at a prime spot for taking pictures against the backdrop of the lagoon and Heaven’s Gate, so-called that because there was no way to determine when the earth merged into heaven. The reminder of don Howard became clear when he said, “you don’t find heaven, you realize it.” A big assist goes out to Huachumita for giving me the key to heaven. As the moon made an appearance the backdrop became all the more surreal.

We became local celebrities as some of the Peruvian tourists wanted to take their picture with us gringos dressed in ponchos. It was quite hilarious.

The bus ride back to Huaraz was so memorable while our hearts were wide open. It rekindled in me what it was like to make connections with people and share a moment of really enjoying their presence. I had long forgotten these feelings and to experience all this once again was a gift beyond measure and I’m so grateful for the opportunity. It was ultimately a lesson in learning that love comes not from an external source but has been in your heart all along. Instead of looking for it, express it. I was energetically wide open with gratitude for my heart, Pachamama, Huachumita, the shaman, and my hermanos and hermana. It was another gift from another lifetime in a day that just keeps on giving.

We went for dinner with the maestro on this last night with him with the energy still present and returning in waves. I eagerly ate my first meal of the day and we ended staying up talking and laughing until 1:30am before calling it a night.

This whole three week adventure has been a gift beyond any conceivable expectation and has allowed me to just accept myself for who I am and learn to stay high and in bliss is the path of the heart while realizing that to engage the mind more than necessary will lead to a hellish existence.

Day 24, Saturday March 7

We are back in Lima and being in a big and bustling city has brought me back to reality. I've had some pangs of home sickness throughout these three weeks I have been away but now it is full on and the prospect of being in Lima any longer than I need to seems to be unwelcome. I’m scheduled to leave early Monday morning but I think I will try to change it to early Sunday morning. It will be good to get back Sunday as it is my dog Luna’s birthday. She probably thinks I’m dead.

I have a lot to unpack mentally from this trip and integrate. Every thing I asked for I believe I have received an answer and now I just have to connect all the information and synthesize all I have learned. One big take away is to stop pretending or striving to be someone you are not. I was shown I have a dark and light side and that is what energizes and enlivens my self. To deny one is to affect and nullify the other. Also I was shown that in order to stay high and in a state of bliss then you need to live in the heart and limit engagement of the mind. I asked for this lesson repeatedly from Huachuma and I was given it which allowed me to fully understand it. I went from experiencing the constant cycling between a state of being in heaven to a trip to hell enough times to really grasp that it is all about choice and how you wish to live and perceive your surroundings. It was a lesson that had to be experienced over and over throughout many years and ceremonies in order to finally get it to sink in which it did fully and completely after don Martín’s mesada at Chavín. I knew after that one I didn’t have to play that game anymore. One constant for me concerning plant medicines is how they amplify everything and that’s how you learn from them. Huachuma’s potentiation of energy just takes every feeling and super-charges them so you can extrapolate their subtle effects you don’t normally realize and see how they actually do affect you and those around you on a grand scale. My energetic aura must shine on a subtle scale that when I drink Huachuma just elevates it into an energetic tour de force. It is really quite incredible to experience how intense the energy is within, how it emanates, and how I can share it with others. When I find another being I can then harmonize my energy with then the connection is magical and a power radiates from that connection that puts you in a state of such sharing and pleasure it is heavenly. I need to ponder if that is what life is all about on all levels? Is it finding a connection with another energy form that electrifies and lights you up? Now that I have found it and experienced it enough I wonder if the energy fields I resonate with are limited or if there are plenty of fields out there you can share the experience with? There’s always more so the journey is far from over and there’s is more to explore. From a personal standpoint I wish to go way deeper into Huachuma. I can’t honestly say I want to continue with Ayahuasca at this point but I do realize there is a synergy with Huachuma when done first to heal and purify so I will respect that modality and synergy between the two plant medicines.

There are also a couple take aways from working with the medicines this time around. One is to be not only a shining example of their ability to transform you into a fully integrated human being but also to be a grounded ambassador to the plants and be more vocal about the benefits and profound discoveries that are available and can be gleaned from working with them. In addition I made a promise to Pachamama to be a champion in terms of environmental concerns. The earth is our home, our sustenance, and our playground which allows her children, the divine female and masculine, that have come forth to experience her bounty in a physical form. We are ignorant and dismissive of her unconditional love and destroying her gift. We as a species are cognizant of this but we need to sense the urgency and enact change. This can be accomplished through awareness and ceremony along with the teachings of plant medicines.

I used to conclude my plant medicine journey recaps with some kind of declaration that I will probably be moving on from that modality of exploring my consciousness. I have stopped doing that as first of all if hasn’t been the case but also because I’d be foolish to stop. I’ve come this far and feel currently that the working relationship I have with them is next level and that is the exciting part I wish to keep exploring. In terms of Huachuma this trip the gate was wide open, I went in and found not only answers I was seeking but the magic available when we break out of mundane consciousness and raise our vibration. I’m ready to go headlong into this exploration. 

balancing act

There is at times this ceaseless chatter in my head spinning all awareness. It's tainted by culture to a large degree. It analyses and speaks in English which kind of gives it away as a product of the language and customs of my local surroundings. It molds my behaviour, points out when I fit in, and warns when I am beyond the pale of expectations. It directs me to lash out at others in anger when it is not respected. Acting on desires will bring with it castigating shame and contempt from this entity as a form of control. Travel to an extent is quite liberating in this regard as being an outsider allows you to transgress their cultural norms and being free of your own expectations is therefore a boon to self. Then there is me who is kind of a puppet to the ceaseless chatter guy but kind of just acts on impulse. That’s the real me! I think. Then there's this part of me that is seemingly on auto pilot though acting like a servant. This guy keeps everything functioning without even asking or reminding him. Breathing, digesting, growing my hair, and so on. Who is this? Who created the universe and keeps it running? Who is the energy behind the stars? Same guy. I wonder if he is the one pushing desires into consciousness? I limit myself to my conscious awareness, and even then I’m split, and because of this I don't realize that the part of me replenishing my cellular structure is me as well. The energy system responsible for the maintenance of you and the universe is the same worker. It is all you. And by it I mean you are it. You do this. We focus on the stream of drivel running through our head as being who we are when it is just a part of it and one that shouldn’t be in the driver’s seat.

That’s the thing that is difficult to move past when I try to identify who I am. The problem is trying to identify who I am because it seems kind of impossible. The advice I usually give to myself is if there is no solution to a problem then by definition it isn’t a problem. It has become a problem because of the insistence on trying to solve it. There really is no I, however long I wish and insist on propagating that notion. At best I am a field of energy that is definable based on others, their feedback, my body shape, and this chatter in my head that tells me I am this guy. I don’t know why I have exalted the chatter in my head guy above the silent worker who keeps this all intact and running and left the guy affected by desire twisting in the wind. I guess if you aren’t loud and get noticed then you get taken for granted and largely dismissed.

Part of why I want to believe I have a higher and a lower self is I have met this higher self. I know it is me but I still can’t reconcile that my localized conscious awareness is not the only me. Damn it, I want exclusivity for what encompasses me in consensus reality and I want it to be the definition of me. So I come to the realization on this spiritual journey I have a higher self but that he stands above me so I separate the two. And then this higher self connects me with everyone else because they have the same one and if they access it then they too are in touch with this universal consciousness. They get tripped up by it as well. How can it be me if it is you?

I look at myself in consensus reality as the controlled looking to break free of the dominance and usurp the power of the controller in my head. In psychological terms it is the ego making a play to become the superego and hopefully breaking free of being the controlled and becoming the puppet master. The puller of the strings is aware of this gambit from the beginning and has tried to prevent me from getting too far in this journey. He scared me, threatened death, and tried to get me to turn back.  I proved my worth, I had the courage to continue, and I was given passage up the mountain. In fact he really helped me to get to the destination. I didn’t stay on top of the mountain and instead chose to come back down. We all seek to be the king of the castle. Our internal drive beckons us to purge the surroundings of our enemies and competitors once we triumph. For the man it is power and the love of women, specifically the feminine divine who is mother and lover, being the ultimate prize. At first she is mother but as we climb the mountain she becomes lover. The underpinnings of everything is desire and this attraction at the level of the sacred is off the charts. Just a hint of her power and the chase is on. In psychology this desire to overthrow the father and capture the mother becomes Sigmund Freud's 'Oedipus complex.’ Delving into ancient Egyptian mythology it was recognized in the form of kamutef ‘bull of his mother' and this motif is also found in ancient Greek mythology such as the overthrow and castration of the King of the Titans, Ouranos, by the son Cronos. In turn Cronus, now the father, waits to devour his children at birth while their mother Rhea goes behind his back and saves the youngest Zeus from this fate. Zeus goes on to defeat Cronus and the Titans and then Zeus becomes the most high and mythologically becomes an asshole. He eats his first wife, the titan Metis, so she wouldn’t give birth to their second child, a prophesied son, who would overthrow him. It’s all an elaborate metaphor of the struggle for mastery within the male psyche and the same outcome is continually the result. The son overthrows the father, gets the girl, and then becomes just like his father and locks her away again. He tries to consolidate and maintain his power. The union of the two powers, the King and the Queen, creates the next iteration of the lower self and he needs to go on the hero’s journey to rescue the princess from the father who has developed dragon like tendencies. And on it goes. How does this cycle break? I think an answer is found in Pre-Columbian shamanism. The process involves taking the two halves of man and mediating them to the centre position. They called this process 'tinkuy.’ Tinkuy is a Quechuan term denoting the joining together of complementary opposites through ritual mediation. It's all about bringing everything into the centre, the in between space, to find balance. This place was called the 'chaupi' and the central axis in this common territory was called the 'chhimi' which means the heart. Once balance is achieved, the complementary opposites are ready for the sacred marriage to the divine feminine who has undergone a similar trial by fire; a figurative burning of the dross. The perfect union ensues when everything is in balance.

Part of being balanced involves recognizing in our psyche this ego and superego that are in a power dynamic. The superego needs a lower self in order to know he is the controller. There’s no superego if he doesn’t have an ego to control. Or to put it in a different way: if you insist on dividing up your psyche then all these pieces must be present in order to create the psyche. They must exist. Well they must as long as you insist on labelling things. It is like the universe. The universe is one enormous energy system. It is us who divide it up and label patterns of contiguous energy as things and then we believe in the things we have given recognition to. For the most part it is arbitrary though there's logic to our categorization. Once we divide things up you can realize that the universe cannot exist without that thing; it is quite illuminating, especially if you ever wonder what happens when this human body gives out and perishes. Your energy is part of the total sum of the universe; in other words there is no universe without you. If there was no you then there would be no this. That’s pretty awesome. I realized because of this that everything is transactional. For instance I transfer energy from my body into a drum skin via a stick and I produce a noise which is another form of the energy. Knowing this, it is then understood there will be a release and transmutation of your energy when you physically die.

Another way to look at this energy process is realizing the ineffable sacredness of what is going on and the opportunity available to act unconditionally and be of service. Plants have mastered this universal precept. They take in their energy from the sun and nutrients from the soil and water without having to take life. Conversely we take energy from others in order to survive, whether it is through taking life and ingesting other plants and animals for energy or by burning wood in order to transfer it into saving heat. The underlying process behind all life is the transfer of energy that enables survival. When we take from others we can offer something in return instead of a constant greed and focus on self. Cultures that are in a symbiotic relationship with their environment realize this and have words in their language for it. In Andean culture it is called 'ayni’ in their Quechuan language, which means reciprocity. This is realizing the energy exchange involved and offering up something in return.

I think I deviated a bit from the original intent of the idea of this split within our localized minds. I was trying to point out the need of a lower ego self in order for the higher controller self to know he is in charge. So when my lower self, with all his warts, embarks on a journey to improve himself and become the model of what his superego wants him to be where does the puppet master eventually go? There's no room for two at the top. Is there a coup, an overthrow of the dominion of this energy field called me? I guess there has to be. So how does the superego self react to this journey? Well at the start I imagine it is made difficult. If you insist on continuing, you know polishing that armour and training for the battle, then various paths will present to you, baiting you to take one of them so you will sidestep the journey to the top. But what if you continue on in the journey to self? You overthrow the father, take what he has including the Queen, and you rule in his stead. But wait a minute. You are destined to repeat the same drama because you assumed the higher position. So there's a new lower self that forms and that needs refining. It's metaphorically the next shit that bubbles to the surface that is not your ideal of what your newly defined self is. It’s a new you with a whole new set of problems! Or perhaps the same desires that frustrated your previous self never went anywhere and will now harangue the new you. Another desire causing havoc to the better man. The cycle begins again and this lower self is going to overthrow the new king unless the incumbent can throw him off the task at hand. This never ends. There's always something that needs improvement. This is the eternal masculine problem. How do I maintain balance once I reach the top?

Oh my god. That's it. That's why I am here. To find out the answer why; why this continual cycle?

What's the answer to this continual problem? Wisdom tells me that an insoluble problem is not a problem at all. The problem is you trying to solve it. As long as you insist you have a separate superego and your ego needs improvement then you must play this game. I wrote about belief a couple weeks ago and I have been empowering this split within myself because I refused to accept responsibility that I am the total package and instead live a life of disintegration with an insistence upon myself being comprised of parts. Accept and recognize what it is that is me without feeling I need to do anything about it. It’s the same way we are fooled into thinking we are isolated from the universe as a whole. There's nothing you need to do. You are already it so instead of trying to improve your lower selfish self, become fit for service and be of service to others and help them. Focus your efforts on improvement of others. Lift them up so they can reciprocate and lift others up and on it goes. If you are at this point in your journey then you can see you don't need to improve yourself, you just need to recognize your own diversity and find balance. In that divine harmony you will acknowledge all that makes you you and and take from each the strengths that will counteract the weaknesses and bring balance into the equation which enables you to become fit for service. Then bring this balance into the world at large. Attaining higher consciousness doesn't mean climbing the mountain and becoming the most high as if you are trying to be the most enlightened in some spiritual contest. Higher consciousness involves Love and forgiveness for yourself and others. It is recognizing your strengths and your weaknesses and that you will never be infallible. Stop trying to make the two ends of a stick, the top and bottom, be the same point. It can't be done. Transform yourself from a stick into a circle. Wherever you are in the circle is perfectly balanced.