pain first

Simulation and fantasy baseball lessons.

If you don't play, you can't be disappointed.

Embrace disappointment if you play.

Cherish it as part of the game.

Without it, there is no game.

Welcome it.

When you acquire power, you rig the game in your favour.

You become a tyrant.

That's what people are doing.

Climbing the ladder.

Getting to the top and rigging the game so they win.

They play a game that is cruel.

It is a game which stops the game.

We seem to all play that one.

What's the answer?

Celebrate a loss.

It's part of the game.

Looking back, what do you think of all your losses?

It's a win.

Why?

I won the game I was looking to win.

What was it?

Get to God, or some kind of spiritual game I was playing.

You aren't sure.

I was up to something.

Those losses gave me the win.

If you win all the time, you won't win the big game.

The advice is to play, not win.

Play keeps the story going.

Winning ends it.

What about a loss?

It ends the game and motivates you.

The worst thing for play is to win.

You stop playing.

What do you think of the game?

I kept playing after I got to God.

People leave after that step.

You get to that place and it's game over.

Yes, but now I'm God and I know I'm not all that special.

I wanted to figure out the game.

I didn't care much for getting to God.

I want to play.

Like I said, I'm happy now.

I feel like playing.

I figured out how to cook my favourite meals.

I know how to have fun.

I like playing spiritual games.

Knowledge and writing.

I'd like someone to play with.

Dion is great.

Others get scared of me.

You are a little much.

Yeah, I know.

It's hard to play with others.

You must avoid the pitfalls and traps.

Why?

They want to beat you.

So, interactions are games.

Yes.

Family is supposed to be a safe space except the two at the head hooked up.

That means it's a game, however it is supposed to be a place of refuge.

You overthink everything with Mary Jayne.

It's the balance to her stoning you.

She addicts you to her stoning, so what she does is you play a game where you overthink everything and then crash out to being stoned.

You love being stoned, so at the outset of the trip your mind crashes out, and you enter the blissful state you were craving.

When she loses her hold on you then you start getting anxious because you can no longer crash your mind out.

Is that what happens to some who think MJ turned on them?

Yes, they could no longer get stoned, and their minds raced.

They must take a break.

They go back to MJ because they healed their mind to the effect they can be stoned once again.

Now, I know you want to examine your relationship with MJ.

Yes, I don't get stoned therefore my mind is in overdrive.

How do you feel about that?

It's great.

You seek out the opposite effect of MJ.

Yes, she is a teacher.

If you were stoned by MJ, you wouldn't like it.

Correct.

Well, if you ever get to that point, then you know you are addicted.

I don't think that will happen.

Why?

My mind won't crash out.

I know it could if I took more.

That's what people are doing.

They take a dose which can short circuit their mind.

They get to that place of happiness and joy.

Exactly.

That's the addiction.

Then they feel free to do what gives them pleasure.

I see that.

Thus, the comment about how strong your mind is.

You don't get stoned.

Hypnotized.

I saw that with Ayahuasca where she was very hypnotic; however, I wouldn't fall under her spell.

Why not?

Whatever the dose is, I didn't get there.

Huachuma was similar where I had a big dose over and over, and I did at times get to a place of cosmic love for all.

I remember those feelings.

It wouldn't last.

Do you think Huachuma came the closest to getting you in a state of permanent bliss?

Yes, I'd say so.

What stopped you?

My mind.

It's too strong.

I know I could take more MJ and be fine, however I have found the doses which are teaching and that's the reason for my use of MJ.

Isn't that addiction?

It could be.

I see that I return for knowledge.

I also return for stories and my friends.

I also like the heightened feelings and awareness.

Isn't that addiction?

Sure.

I mean because you like something, does that make it an addiction?

If so, you can't avoid it.

I think you need to clarify what an addiction is.

Something you feel powerless to stop.

Is it because it's bad for you?

Not necessarily, it could be good or pleasurable.

What about balance?

That would be part of the addiction where you are aware of the boomerang, however you still do it.

You would return to the addiction even though you know of the toxic boomerang.

Is that part of the definition of addiction?

An addiction is something you are powerless to stop even though you are aware of the consequences which can be positive or negative.

Addiction is an awareness of balance and still doing it.

Is that why some people will get addicted to something destructive?

Yes, say a drug they know will cause them pain.

They will do it for the pleasure.

The opposite is at work, and it seems to be the same thing.

Yes, you'd drink alcohol for the pleasure even though you know you will suffer for your choice.

Isn't that the mechanism for drugs?

Yes, however some people want pain.

Why?

To reap the benefits.

Remember we discussed BDSM and how you receive pain first.

It's because the lasting memory in that case is pleasure when it's over.

The reward is at the end.

So, you're saying the smart choice is to take the pain first.

If you feel you must make a choice.

So, don't play?

No, that's boring.

So, do play?

Yes.

Don't you make a choice for pain first then?

No, you don't make the choice.

Your playmate does.

How does this work with MJ in that she will stone you or make your mind race?

You let her make the choice.

She doesn't stone me.

That's not from a lack of trying.

Got it.

What about you?

I am present.

So, I'm not addicted to her?

You are playing.

That's how you play.

You let the other choose and you will win.

If you don't want the game to end, then don't run up the score but know you can win if you want.

You win by going with the flow.

Same with MJ where you go for a walk and don't force the issue.

When you force the issue, you are vying for control over the game.

Trying to get control over the game will eventually cause pain because once you get control, you will direct the adventure to what you want.

Obviously, you want to win the game, so that's why you seek control to get the outcome you desire.

I'm telling you that is how you lose.

You let your opponent take power because they will make a mess of it.

They will choose to take advantage of power and not realize the coming boomerang.

Is this how I keep winning in life?

Yes, you go with the flow and don't seek power.

By doing this it is recognized you are power.

Power does not seek power.

Power has no need for power.

Why would power need power?

What would power do with power?

Give it away.

When you give it away, you get it back.

You can't hang onto it.

All who seek power wish to then hang onto it and therefore lose it.

You give it away, and it returns.

pain fuels the rise

You seem to get what you want.

I get a taste of it.

You don't want riches.

No.

You want to sleep in and work from home.

That's a good one.

You wanted to taste some fruit.

I did.

You wanted to fulfill others' wishes and make them happy.

I did.

You wanted freedom.

Knowledge.

No more misery.

Where are you now?

I'm free.

I received the knowledge.

The cup overflows.

Trying to possess that fruit would give you misery and lack of sleep.

True.

Lost chance at freedom.

Did you want that?

No.

Did you get what you wanted?

Yes.

What about the pain?

It fuelled my rise.

You're very smart.

You take your time figuring things out and you get there.

Pain fuels the rise.

Mentally and physically.

Where are you now?

I'm headed to the top.

Where were you last year at this time?

I got dumped into the abyss and had to find my way out.

What saved you?

I carried on.

I internalized the pain and made supper.

The hurt forged steel.

Diamond mind.

Do you think you are crazy?

My mind is lit.

It's working well.

There's a newfound gear.

Is it pure?

No.

Knowledge and lust are mixed.

The Greeks didn't serve unmixed wine.

You can approach purity.

I have been taught you can get to the edge but don't go over.

Don't be a superman.

Stay humble and fit in.

You need people to think you are crazy and weird.

That will keep you grounded.

If they tell you that you are God, it will go to your head.

You need those psychic projections to belittle you.

In your mind you are then safe to go to God and sit on your throne.

What happened to Parker?

He went over the edge.

He saw the danger but knew he'd be alright.

He had no one to tell him he was crazy.

They encouraged him.

You need others to tell you that you are crazy.

A psycho.

He didn't have that, so he went over the edge.

Embrace those who remind you of your humanity.

Humanity is crazy.

Humanity expends time and resources in order to convince the other they are not.

Do you think humanity is crazy?

Look around.

What do you think?

Collectively, we are crazy.

What about individually?

We hide it.

What happens when you get to know someone?

You see they are crazy.

They put on a good performance to hide it.

Truth is a good strategy.

Truth is best when it is balanced.

What do you mean?

Tell the truth.

The truth is you tell the truth to yourself.

Fuck the others.

That seems wrong.

Why?

You should tell others the truth, shouldn't you?

Why would you give them that advantage?

Let them figure it out if they are so smart.

The advice is to tell yourself the truth.

Ask the tough questions of yourself and don't deceive yourself.

You can deceive others because they are walking deception machines.

Everyone is living a lie.

Would you tell a liar the truth?

No.

Then why would you tell anyone the truth?

Because I think it's the right thing to do.

Do they tell you the truth?

Sometimes.

They do the thing that the news does.

They mix the truth with their deception.

They figure out the formula.

The formula to fool people is to mix your lies with truth.

People fall for it all the time.

It's a secret to the game.

You manipulate people by telling the truth.

We all want to hide the real truth, so we give them a little bit.

This causes confusion because you told the truth.

You must be honest and trustworthy because you tell the truth.

The winner of the game of life doesn't always tell the truth.

Do you want to win?

I just want to be happy.

So, you don't want to win?

You can be happy knowing others can beat you at the game of life?

Well, not this game of going to God.

I won that game.

You wanted to win the ultimate game, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

I let the others have their fun and I won the big prize.

I kept my eye on the prize and figured out how to do it.

What do you get for winning the game?

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I get knowledge.

That's what I wanted.

Knowledge is power and yet I don't want power.

Seems balanced.

Yeah, I know.

I have sat with power, and it doesn't move the needle.

I don't need others to serve me.

I'd rather serve others.

Sometimes that's a strategy to buy freedom.

Yes, they leave you alone when they know you are a good servant.

You mean slave.

Yes.

I fool them by fucking around.

It works.

It's a balanced relationship.

I like it.

You don't want power?

I prefer freedom.

The darkness doesn't bother you anymore, so we're going to give you light as a teaching.
That's not true.
The darkness still bothers me a bit.
I don't look at it as a negative.
I look at it as something that is necessary.
Without it, you're all light.
That's not duality.
There's no separation.
The dark, which is duality, you push away.
That's what creates the separation.
Darkness manifests duality and you see two instead of one.
The fear from the darkness activates a pushing feeling.
That's what that is.
In order to have duality, you need fear.
Duality cannot exist without fear.
If you're no longer afraid of the dark, then you lose the sense of separation.
It's a way to get more light into your life.
Then it's a question of how much light is too much.
You learn to balance light and dark.
If you don't, the darkness will separate.
If you go too much to the light, you will smother.
It's simple.
When you get too dark, people run from you.
When you head to the dark, you give people feelings.
When you head to the light, you charm people.
You don't go full on into both.
I did.
From a mental knowledge standpoint, I know I'm both.
I even wrote it down.
Yeah, but you don't physically play that out.
So, what does that mean?
You could play one of those extremes if you want.
You could make a choice to do one of them.
That's what all people on this path do when they get to this point.
They choose one of them.
They become a healer or a sorcerer.
They forgot their training.
What's the training?
You know it, you're trying to fool me.
First of all, don't pick a side.
Don't become a healer or a sorcerer.
Before that you should do nothing.
Don't get involved.
I waited half of my life before getting involved.
Once you have gotten involved you know to win you must choose both.
Don Howard knew the answer.
He said to reconcile the opposites.
He didn't tell me.
He's not allowed to.
He told Parker and then Parker told you.
That's how he got around it.
See how he's a healer and a scoundrel.
He found a way around.
All he did was put the idea in your head.
You might have found it on your own because magic teaches you to reconcile the opposites.
The Mesa shows you this as well.
Don Howard was giving you a nudge.
He planted clues, so you would listen to him.
Ancient Egypt clues.

The game is to get to God without destroying yourself.
To do that, you must get to the Devil at the same time.
Do you think you did it?
Yeah.
What are you doing now?
I'm learning about it and writing the story.
Your story's going to be stupid.
Yeah, but hopefully one day somebody who knows will be able to declare it the masterpiece that it is.
So, you've gone and rewrote the backstory?
Yes, I had to adjust your first part of the story.
Once you get to forty, it's self-explanatory.
I had to add context to all your experiences prior to that.
So, we're here now.
Yes, I've caught up.
I finally finished rewriting the past.
We're meeting now.
Yeah, that's why there's two of us.
Remember I showed you there's two of us?
Yes, I remember.
We're both contributors to the future story.
Yes, though obviously the subconscious writer is the better writer.
You're the editor who takes out some of the material that doesn't work.
Yes, that's what I do.
I have a good handle on what will work and what might not go over well.
I sit with myself for a few days and then I take out some stuff, add to it, and clean it up for export.
That's it.
Anyone can edit.
See, you're in the perfect profession.
Can we not think about your job?
I agree, move on.