love and light

I was preparing for an upcoming trip to Peru and was recalling my prior use of a psychedelic substance called Vilca. A good blast up the nose promises a consciousness journey you will not soon forget. The second time I participated in this ritual, I endured a chaotic experience, complete with a sense this was it, and I wasn't going to make it through the trip. I persevered until a point where it did really feel like too much and then the upset stopped. Everything got peaceful and I found myself in this dark warehouse on an industrial elevator which let me off at the top. There was the sound of dripping water from old pipes. These beings of light then populated the area and welcomed me. They were shining, kind of like a diamond, though they were multi-dimensional to the point I have no words available to describe them. Light was cycling through them, representative of the colour spectrum. They explained to me they were made of love and powered by light. They told me this was my essence as well. These dazzling beings then instructed me to do what they were doing. Raise and lower your light vibration, as this is what makes you eternal within the container of love. I then practiced this behaviour, lit up the room, and the scene gradually faded away.

Five years later, I got the full teaching. Imagine how dense sometimes we can be? It is very funny now that while I was preparing for this upcoming journey, I realized they were telling me to practice being love and light not only with them at the time, but to do this back in my consensus reality. The advice was simple - be a balance of love and light, that's all. Of course, I knew I was love and light and to that state of pureness I would someday return, but they told me I already am this and to practice being it. Oh, I get it! I mean Earth is the toughest course of them all, reserved for the overachievers. If you can fully embrace love and light while in the pressure cooker of life, then the eternal exam you write on the path of the heart is aced.

Love is unity and light is separation. Balancing these two ideals opens the path of the heart home. The mesa of the great pre-Columbian shamans of the Andes mountains teaches this balancing act as the way towards wholeness. The seven-fold chakra system of the ancient Indus valley demonstrates the same principle where found in the middle chakra is the heart.

The celebration will be top notch when you return home. Everything now is making sense.

If I'm on the duality trip, I will retain the sense of a self. I think about living forever because I'm in the dimension of time which is fostered by objectification. When my body dies, my energetic signature remains as long as I maintain the illusion of separation and I access my many comings and goings. I reunite with old friends and laugh at our adventures. I see those close to me and discuss roles. Oh wow, in that incarnation you were my mother. Before that you were my lover. My brother was my son and so on. Was I once someone's daughter? We all take as many trips as necessary in order to learn the lesson being taught. Ultimately, we are given instruction on Love and are shown the path of the heart. We are to show each other the way home after our sojourns within duality. When ready, we dissolve back into the one, becoming whole and unified in love. The fount of all is love, outside of time. When ready, all becomes separate once again, and we renew the vow of love. We demonstrate that despite all hardships and suffering, love is the sauce that will free us and allow us to overcome any obstacle thrown our way. And so it is, until we all get the message and put it into practice. The University of Duality remains until we all go.

As unified energy, we don't re-engage the dualistic adventure until we all are ready. It's another long haul; a cleansing within the waters of incarnation. The measurement of time fills our senses with the acknowledgement of repetitive cycles of motion which seem to go on infinitely. The appearance of energy within the container of the universe is the long game, not be entered into without expectations of loneliness, suffering, hardship, adventure, exhilaration, and triumph. A celestial celebration worthy of a Queen and King awaits your return from the Earth game, the hardest of all the love courses. You are not going to get a perfect score, and failure is expected. Failure and suffering will teach you what you came here to learn. The course revolves around love and finding the path of the heart home. Walk the path, feel the truthfulness of what you have discovered, shine your light, and embrace the great mother. Help those who are looking for guidance. That's all.

It doesn't seem all too difficult. Love all and tell the truth. As don Howard told me, it takes courage to live your life this way. Logically, I feel it shouldn't be hard, but the human game makes it so. We want to fit in and so lose some authenticity. We live lives of deception in order to blend into the fabric of society. Our culture is based upon appearance and demonstrating you are successful. Being successful in the culture requires a certain level of ostentatiousness. We become programmed by the prevailing establishment and our thoughts aren't really our own. It's a definite struggle to break free of control and go it alone. A puppet always has a certain affinity for the master puppeteer. He gives him food and shelter in exchange for subservience. You are a pawn on a chessboard obscuring the reality you are not only royalty, but you designed the game. This is your trip!

The challenge of your lifetime awaits. Can you find the way home?

storyline

If you were all powerful, omnipotent, and could make anything happen at a snap of your fingers what would you do? Well, first of all to be in this situation means you have no adversary, no antagonist, no playmate, and you are it. There is nothing else but you. An adversary keeps the drama moving along. Without the antagonist, life becomes settled, we become bored, and wish to shake things up. What’s worse: boredom or depression? I see how constant suffering can lead to depression when you give up. The suffering is intended to give you a reason to fight. To be in the fight is certainly not boring. So, eventually being all powerful you surmise that it would be great to have a playmate; someone who acts independent from self. As a child we seek out playmates, as living within our own imagination only takes us so far before we want some unpredictability. The process eventually leads to gambling all control away for the maximum adventure and thrills. We surrender total control and create a grand game such as the one we are currently playing. The caveat is our tendency to love puzzles and become a seeker of the mystery. We search to discover the architect of the game which in my culture we call God. The seeker who is successful despite all obstacles placed in their path can discover the underpinnings of the mystery. It’s the ultimate quest. Many are called and then subsequently are sidetracked, lose their way, deny the truth of what they are shown, block out the initial information they were given, or don’t have the courage to continue. The secret has been buried and a big sign is placed upon its gateway that says, “Beware! Turn back now.” Those who do keep going either are repelled by attachments, inner obstacles, black magic, or lose their sanity along the way. Only the intrepid hero can enter the dragon’s lair and through courage and bravery return with the secret knowledge.

Prior to even incarnating, we individually create our meaning of life and everyone has a different trajectory to tell their story. Our individual peculiarities and what drives us forward in life are disparate and we pursue our own path thus creating the variety of life. We naturally bury the part of us all that knows all as we come of age. Our imaginary childhood playmate becomes a casualty of culture and in a way, it is predestined because this drama to be of any compelling storyline needs an adversary. The playmate becomes the adversary as we head into adulthood and our friend goes dark. The darkness within becomes the adversary, rebels against parents and societal structures, while chafing at the demands of culture. Nobody likes being replaced. As adults, we blame all our faults upon him and he plays along. Desires we can’t control that bubble up to the surface are not our fault and subsequently are projected onto an external scapegoat. The darkness' trick of hypnosis, an altering of consciousness, is used to make us follow activities that light us up since we no longer play with him. Addictions to stimuli further our spiral into the depths of despair while insecurities keep us in fear of the unknown future which are all devices used to control us. We must learn liberation from the chains of culture plus the bonds of our fellow man and remember to play.

Plant medicines helped me cut the last cord tying me to a story that wasn’t mine. Through breaking free I saw into the game and the drama started to unravel. All along, it was I who created this predicament and I was very clever so that I wouldn’t figure the ruse out this time. I criminalized natural growing plants that wake us up from culture and re-establish a relationship with the familiar spirits of Goddess and God. Basically, I created a world where if you wanted to discover the mystery you might instead get locked in a cage for twenty years. Wow. That’s pretty heavy. I wanted to keep the game of ignorance going for as long as possible.  Make it really difficult this time. I had to travel into the depths of the Amazon jungle, replete with poisonous snakes and roaming jaguars in order to access the elixir I needed. My fellow game players, as in upholders of the life we are told to lead, thought I was nuts. Well done! You wake up from the dream and realize you are in charge. The power accessed becomes another dilemma and you are tasked with figuring out your true intentions. If you are the director of the play where do you want the arc of the storyline to head? It’s tempting to become king of the world and enjoy the fact you figured it out. But I think I’ve been in that position of omnipotence before and that’s why I gave it up. Determinative outcomes are fleeting and only temporarily satisfy before becoming boring and predictable. I don’t want that. I want the puzzle. Yeah, so I solved the riddle but I can still keep it going by not interfering. I can know, yet let things unfold as they may. See where this plays out instead of baking in the successful outcome. I can steer the trajectory of civilization in a different direction to heighten the drama. That seems like a cool twist to the storyline. I think I’ll do that and see where it takes us. Free will is left intact with just a little stirring of the pot by yours truly before I take my ladle out of the brew.

If you seek power the old-fashioned way through skulduggery you will have to make deals in order to acquire it. Sometimes the deals are nefarious or sometimes they are on the up and up. The easy way into power is to do the old Faustian bargain with the devil and as recompense you’ll surrender something of value in return, whether that is your soul or your firstborn or maybe both? Human desires have no hard limits. There is always someone out there who will do whatever it takes to get what they want. Ever notice what people will do for money? How far will you go seems to be the question the devil poses to you.

I remember sitting in an Ayahuasca ceremony and the dark lord was offering me whatever I wanted in exchange for my soul. I could conquer the universe! He had the contract all drawn up. Acquiring power means you are supposed to exchange it for wealth and suzerainty. Culture inculcates the thinking that the game is to acquire as much material rewards as possible. When I refused, he threatened me with death but still I didn’t capitulate. I was only willing to sign if he left me alone and in retrospect that doesn’t work for him so we continued the battle of wits. The whole reason I was on this journey was to discover the secrets of the feminine divine I had come across in ancient Egypt and had no use for this spiritual sideshow of power games I’d uncovered in my dalliance with plant medicines. I was wonderfully naive when it came to the question of power and how much I wanted.

I eventually became interested in this sideshow; the constant darkness that harangued me, scared me, threatened me with death, and chased me home out of the jungle. I kept coming back for more because of the Goddess but eventually in turn I had to deal with this darkness and why it would not leave me alone. The darkness is two-fold. It drives away the weak and makes the strong inquisitive. I never became corrupted by Diablo's power because I wasn’t seeking it. And then I got to stand back, observe it, and connect the dots. Power is the domain of the divine masculine; the great Alpha male. I do not have to seek it out; nor do I have to do whatever it takes to acquire it. No, instead I realized I am him. I am power. I stepped into my birthright and my destiny.

So, what about making a deal with the devil for power? I am power. There’s no deal needed. The irony is you will give up everything you value and cherish to acquire something that is already yours.

I have to now learn compassion and understanding for others. They haven’t seen it yet and so I could easily frighten them or scare them away with my speech. Nothing gives others a creepy vibe more than talk of the occult and Satan. You learn to shroud it in the mysterious and not give away the goods. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. On this path if they do drink then I have to be a rock for them, guiding them through the experience lest they run, hide, and never return or on the other hand caution them about the pitfalls of power. I sat in this class more than once and listened to the maestro go on about power. First time, I was wondering, "What the hell is he talking about? I'm just here to drink Ayahuasca and have some more visions." Drink enough and the power is palpable and the consequence of your actions is not front of mind unless you paid attention in class.

My shadow friend is wonderfully wily and remains a mystery. Even those that think they can figure out his identity will eventually get sidetracked and will let it be. He hides in plain sight. This is the mystery school and you can see now why the path must remain a mystery. There are levels of knowledge and understanding needed until the great reveal. I wouldn’t have it any other way. In my world, this is what makes it real for me and the path I wish to follow. These obstacles on the path must be faced, whether they be cultural roadblocks or palpable fear. The original understanding of my eventual eternal teacher after the first meeting was one of horror, recoil, and a need to run away from him.

When I get still I can feel the power of my friend and teacher from the shadows. It’s an awesome trembling rising up from my depths piercing through each energetic centre. Little by little, he made his way into the well of understanding and prepared for the reunion. The Goddess taught me love so I think I got this. I’m good. When the lessons are completed, the finals and grading come in an awful hurry. And if you understand the syllabus it all starts unfolding in no time. I stand now at my Mesa and tremble as the god envelops me. I become power. It’s intense and I stand at my Mesa enraptured. I’m going to let the power flow, trust, and await the next step.

remnants of the mystery

The mystery further unravels. First, I had to discover and uncover the power within. Feeling that power for the first time is a rush and since you have no idea what it is, it’s pretty unnerving and you want it to stop. Personally, new experiences are pretty daunting and I usually fail them with aplomb and need time to figure them out. This template was active for my work with plant medicines. At first, they scared the hell out of me and sent me running for cover. However, they were intriguing enough that I came back to explore. This perseverance amounts to the best decision I have ever made. Since I kept at it, the modus operandi of my life predicted I’d figure them out and if I kept at it long enough I’d master the process. I’m not there yet but I see it’s attainable.

You can do physical exercises to rouse and move the energy around. In the end, it isn’t transformational. What is transformational is realizing how to naturally generate the power without tricks of posture. If you wish to open your heart chakra then love everyone. It really is that simple. I’ll repeat: If you wish to experience love energy which radiates from the chest then love all. Just like if you want to feel sexual energy go look at porn. It generates energy for sure. If you are unsure about what I’m referring to, start with sexual energy, as it is the easiest to unlock in order to understand the power that resides within you. Essentially, the energy centres designated as chakras are letting you know of all the available power within, not just the titillating and dirty power! Once the connection is understood, you can start making changes in your behaviour that will unlock each and every power centre. Tell the truth! The throat chakra will pulse with a renewed vigour as telling the truth sets you free and unlocks the rest of the story once you give up the limiting narrative which gives your power away. I am reminded about a story Ram Dass tells when he asks his guru how to get enlightened, expecting a detailed plan to achieve his goal. Maharaji simply told him, “Love all and tell the truth.” Imagine that! Imagine being given that instruction and being bewildered. What? I’m to get enlightened by loving all and telling the truth? Later on in life after this simple teaching, Ram Dass started the Love Serve Remember foundation. Each of those core principles will potentiate chakra energy and lead to unlocking the energetic potential within our sacred vessels. The love will radiate. Through service we will forgo the personal power to control found in the blossoming of the third chakra, and by remembering we will remember Goddess and God and direct our passionate energy towards union with the divine.

So, what have I figured out since I’ve done my fair share of exploring via plant medicines? The power within that’s activated by the reconciliation of the feminine and masculine powers. When you bring them together it lights your being up with power; it rises and there are options of how you wish to channel the energy. I can activate the power with the tobacco maestro Mapacho, potentiate it at my Mesa, and subsequently the union rises up within me.

So, what’s the big deal? It’s the evolution of consciousness; the forging together of this power with consciousness and the next stop on the evolutionary ladder is a multi-dimensional being made of the love of the feminine and powered by the ever-transforming light of the masculine. The two powers as separate need each other or they remain potential. The love of the feminine creates form however she will lapse into smothering and darkness without the masculine. The light of the masculine separates and brings the universe to life however this power will become destructive if not tempered by the love of the feminine. When the two powers combine and are reconciled into the centre then the power rises on up through you and you blast off; greater than the gods as you are the child of the two greater powers and you become free as a bird while riding the wind like a butterfly.

Ancient civilizations taught this to their adherents however we have lost their knowledge. The remnants of the mystery remain somewhat in Hindu chakra practices with the propitiating of the feminine Kundalini serpent by the masculine power. She ascends through the seven energy centres within the body before exiting through the crown chakra into the astral plane. Faints echoes exist in ancient Egypt where we have records of night time dancing, singing, drumming, and intoxicants used to gain favour with the serpent Goddess Wadjet, who was a representation of the Great Goddess Hathor, at her temple in Dendera. She was exhorted to come forth and rise; enlivening and renewing life in all she touched. A representation of this process is also found in the pre-Columbian civilization at Chavín de Huántar where the Lanzón acted as the axis mundi in the centre of centres. The Andes mountains valley plain of Chavín comes from the Quechua word chaupin which refers to the centre from chaupi which is the heart space much like in the chakra system the mid-point of the energetic journey, both acceleration and deceleration, is found in the heart chakra. The stone idol is made of the feminine serpent form and powered by the masculine jaguar energy. This strange artistic creation is the pure genius of a civilization that successfully depicted non-duality in stone in contrast to the Hindu non-dualists who were able to articulate in their language this concept. The reconciliation of the opposite powers is found in the centre and from this undifferentiated form projects out into the universe the multitude of objects that are differentiated by the light of the rising power. The combination of rising energy and consciousness leads to the metaphor of the liberated eagle flying free in the heavens as a representation of the process of the evolution of consciousness. It is a reconciliation of the opposites of feminine and masculine, ignited with the rising power. The final stage of the journey culminating in blasting off into a heavenly realm with extremely limited access. At the ancient site of Chavín, the catalysts for accomplishing this journey were the plant medicines Huachuma and Vilca in combination with the practice of the Mesa. The Mesa exoterically presents to you the reconciliation of the opposite powers of feminine and masculine, life and death, light and dark, upper and lower worlds, water and sky, and brings them all into the centre in the middle world where we are now. Esoterically, the practitioner of the Mesa channels the power coming forth from this construct into their being as an accelerant for the journey ahead. The plant medicine Huachuma activates the power within and additionally floods you with sensations of love. The plant medicine Vilca is the final step; a nitro boost that takes you the last step beyond the body for a glimpse of your destiny.

I’ve been there and have put two and two together. I invite you to explore with me. 

divine lineage

The divine feminine and masculine come together in the centre of the grand Mesa at the axis mundi here in the symbolic expressed by the lanzon from Chavín de Huantar.

Brought together are the left and right hand paths of the feminine and masculine along with the lower and upper worlds of these energies. All is absorbed back into the representative of the Chavín god. Everything is reconciled into the centre. It is also expressed as the serpent and the jaguar. The serpent as the feminine creates the form and the jaguar as the masculine is the life force that roams this form. They are the two eternal energies that make up the sum total of all. The multi-dimensional reflection of the non-differentiated form is from these two. You can’t see one without two and centring yourself allows you to see one, two, and the many. The many collapses into the one just as the two through sexual union becomes an expression of the one.

Standing with this knowledge at the Mesa will eventually lead to understanding. We are conditioned to believe chaos is bad and can be demonstrated in expressions of madness and unpredictability. I think that’s true. Psychologically, we relegate the feminine to chaos and the striving of the masculine energy to order and reason. The great intellect of Jordan Peterson even wrote a book on this paradigm called “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” and in turn riled up the feminist class amongst us. Well, he is a master of controversy and is in turn misunderstood as we looked towards our developed prejudices and fail to look into the heart of the matter. I also wondered what were his intentions in writing this book? Getting to know his persona through the internet, I certainly didn’t detect misogyny, instead a refreshing honesty.

Feminine energy is chaos. Masculine energy tends towards order. Just ask Apollo, the Greek god of light and reason. Within the sum of ourselves are the interplay of these two gendered energies, so it is not mutually exclusive to either sex of the species. Knowledge is a great tool but understanding is divine. Taking the sum total of all I know and feeding it into my central processor, the brain, allows me to synergize the whole set up. Late at night, I stand there in front of my Mesa performing ritualistic acts that allow me to re-centre myself. Sometimes the epiphanies come. Epiphanies are the computer spitting out the punch card with the results. I see the sum of all energy at the axis mundi and then scattered throughout my Mesa and refracted through the prism of my mind are expressions of this energy. The one and the many. It is indeed I who brings this Mesa to life! I take unity and objectify that energy thus creating the world. I use my masculine powers to separate and behold reality!

Now back to centre. This form in the centre is non-differentiated. Aha! That is chaos and I intuitively knew it to be so. The non-differentiated energy has no order and no separation. We assign that condition to being a bad thing but it is in fact the reflection of order. What is the correct state or reality of energy? Is it the feminine unity or masculine separation? Many esoteric and Eastern traditions will tell you that because we are the ones that objectify, it is actually the spiritual truth that we are all one. Is that the truth? Is it the truth because from our perspective of dominate masculine energy in the culture we erroneously think the opposite spiritual state is true? If you want to stop the world it is true. However, the interesting part of the equation is that we live in a verb. Consciousness and existence as we know it is a wave vibration. Existence is defined by motion, which creates the illusion of time and separation. So, stop the motion and we have the truth. If we stop the motion then we have nothing. Just potential, which is the other side of coming forth. Is that really true? Why do you think the static trumps motion and motion creates illusory outcomes? Why do you think feminine chaos contains more truth than masculine objectification? Is it unsettling to have your prejudices laid bare? Yes it is because my spurious foundations are revealed once again. My understanding lies on a foundation of shifting sands. What if you can’t have one without the other? The dependency of the two creates the whole. The truth is if you see the two energies not in a sexual union then you see multiplicity. If your universal view is a sexual metaphor then we are indeed all one. Maybe Einstein was on to something with the whole relativity claim? It makes claims of truth and fanciful chasing of said truth very funny, if not frustrating.

Looking back into history, we see many budding civilizations grappled with this origin question and the dominance of each energy pole. At first, it was the feminine asserting her power which allowed creation to flourish however we are now living in the order of the masculine. Looking into my crystal ball reveals the logical outcome is pathological order which becomes tyranny. The system then collapses. Gazing back into the past, in the Mesopotamian basin the triumph of the masculine energy was mythicized as Marduk defeating the water serpent Tiamat, who personified the feminine chaos. In order for civilization to take hold, she had to be defeated. In the opening chapter of Genesis in the Bible, we see hints of this very thing as Yahweh takes the chaos and adds some light into the mix in order to separate things. Here are the passages from the King James Version.

1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

In the beginning nothing was differentiated until the masculine energy came along and started dividing things up. The Old Testament is also a great primer on the actions of masculine energy not tempered by the presence of balancing feminine energy. Fire and brimstone indeed and Jewish mythicists got that one spot on! In Greek mythology, Apollo comes along and kills Python, the enemy dragoness. This act occurred at Delphi which was considered the centre of the world. With the triumph over the feminine serpent, the Greek god of reason enabled a new consciousness in humans that celebrated the rise of individual differences. Apollo was victorious however reason still called upon the oracle at Delphi in the form of the prophetess called the Pythia. She had the gift of vision - something the mind clouded by logic and reason had to discard in order to rule. In addition, in ancient Egypt we have the god Re and his association with the cycles of time created by the sun, continuing along daily in a sun boat that is forever threatened by the chaos serpent Apophis. This battle is enacted daily and motion is eternally perpetuated by victory over chaos with the help of the strong masculine energy personified in the god Set.

Back to my Mesa. Look at how I intuitively set it up, though I didn’t know what I was doing.

The axis mundi is in the centre and the table is full of differentiated expressions of this energetic centre. However, overlooking this whole construct is this image of a jaguar within the form created by a serpent. Somehow, I knew the archetypal two lay at the head of what just is and I left it in place to discover at a later date in my journey to nowhere. The two become one and the one becomes the many. This is the divine lineage from which we all come. 

within the one is found the two

The spiritual chorus preaches the one. Everything is derivative of the one and all of creation can be folded back into the one. To express this one, us humans have come up with a bunch of terms, including the polarizing concept of god which we in turn fetishize and transform into an object of worship and sometimes assign to an ideal that is used for human pursuits of power and monetary gain. The understanding of your place in all of this is your connection to all, in that not only are you a product of the universe but you are indeed the universe and from your perspective you are a point of that universal consciousness that is looking out upon itself. It is not only an empowering vision of creation but it also lowers anxiety about what happens to you when the body dies. If you like adventure then I wouldn’t worry about what happens next. You can go even further with this concept and discard the one. Grasping at the one is still objectifying and truthfully there are no objects. We delineate what just is, conjure duality, and selectively take subjective forms of energy and solidify them into objects.

Okay, I think the above is a pretty good explanation of what heady spiritual people preach, if I do say so myself. In our culture, science is king and therefore in modern spiritual pursuits we try and reconcile the two. Using core concepts of Eastern philosophy allows us to bridge the gap and transform the woo into nuanced metaphysical speculations that allow consensus and eschews wishful thinking. This is all well and good however I like to push the envelope past the chains of what others think. I want experience and subsequently I want to put the experience through my filter and come up with my own concepts.

I have walked the desert sands of Egypt and explored their pyramids and majestic temples. I’ve sweated in the jungles of the Amazon basin. I’ve climbed mountains in the Andes and visited valley temples. I’ve spent a night out in the arid and unforgiving wilderness of the American southwest. I’ve ingested multiple plants that have altered my consciousness enough that I know there are many dimensions to this magical mystery tour we call life. I’ve tried to figure it all out. I’ve tried to grasp this elusive enlightenment. I’ve wondered where do I get my certificate telling me I’ve made it?

I understand the philosophy and I feel the universal connection. It’s undeniable. My experiential journey suggests instead of the one, all truth lives at the door of two. We are a reductionist culture and because of this, one is the holy grail. For me, it’s two and everything is derivative of the two. I’m talking about the divine feminine and divine masculine and their coming together creates the one which then reflects back out as a multiple duality of many twos. Envision this construct that comes from the mind of a human, if you will. It is a centre-point that contains two polarities. As a flow chart, the two as the divine feminine and masculine come together into the one which brings you to the unified centre-point. From the centre-point flows out all of creation into multiple instances of this duality into creation. The two must become one before they become the many.

I see this in ancient Egypt as the great mother and her son, who is also the father; this peculiarity known as kamutef, the bull of his mother. In their literature and on temple walls, I see it also expressed in the concept of creation emanating from an androgyne source that contains the sacred two. In the Ennead of Heliopolis, of which this dual-sexed god Atum is at the head, it is said that the masculine light source Shu and the feminine water source Tefenet are always with and are Atum. The androgyne is the combination of the two and there is no getting around it. Even in the word hermaphrodite is presented in clear view the union of two great deities in the Greek wisdom god Hermes and Aphrodite, the goddess of love. These two go back into the hazy scrolls of history to the beginnings of Egyptian thought and the primordial beginnings of the Ogdoad at Hermopolis where the Egyptian counterparts of these two, Thoth and Hathor, stand at the head of all creation that comes forth from the primordial swamp of 8-town. The concept of union and attempts at artistic expression is depicted on temple walls such as this painted relief masterpiece inside the Khonsu Temple at Karnak temple.

The dual-sexed Kamutef

I see this concept in the sacred mesa of the Andes where the reconciliation of the two gendered polarities brings everything back together into the centre at the axis mundi. The great stone idol of the Chavin temple, the lanzon, brings together the feminine and masculine in this depiction of the sacred world centre.

Lanzon in the temple of the jaguar at Chavin

The temple grounds are made up of dualistic constructs such as the set of black and white limestone stairs leading to the temple as well as finding dualistic principles in the raised and lowered opposite hands of the idol in which the masculine points to the upper world and the feminine to the lower world. The temple grounds rest at the meeting point of the coastal and jungle civilizations in a valley where two great rivers merge into one. This reconciliation of all was called tinkuy. Achieved is balance and from this position the healing can be empowered and love for all can flow. In the jungle are the symbols of the feminine serpent and the masculine jaguar. There are exoteric and esoteric understandings of the two.

Those that live off the land and in primitive dwellings we culturally denigrate as simple. Simple people paradoxically have the most profound symbolism. The modern symbolism from our culture of excess is bereft of ideas and suffering from malnutrition. Hidden in the jungle is the most profound teaching accessed by the brave and the courageous. I’ve searched high and low but never have I come across such a direct communication of what it is all about. Obviously, the serpent is feminine and the jaguar is masculine and they are ubiquitous symbols of the jungle. It’s a pretty simple exoteric depiction of life, creation, destruction, and renewal.

There were big teachings this last time through Peru earlier this year in the jungle that carried on into the Andes mountains. It included the direct experiencing of and understanding of the life force common to all, that connects us all, that originates from a common feminine and masculine vibration symbolized as the serpent and the jaguar. The serpent creates the vibrational body that undulates from on to off and the jaguar traverses this path. The jaguar moves freely. As visualized and communicated by Hindu adepts of yesteryear, when you raise your consciousness and enlighten all the subtle body chakras, energetic touch points you break free of, you meet the jaguar who roams the chakras as an expression of the power of the kundalini serpent which in the pre-Columbian South American religious thought are the three shamanic worlds. And finally you become the jaguar.

Everything comes from this one vibration with vibrations within each vibration. It pulses from off to on. Creation is the pulse with two extreme states and everything in between. From a holistic point of view it is one vibration. Within the one is found the two. The one can’t be without the two. The two always have their opposite. Try it; try to cut off the bottom end of a piece of string. What do you end up with? For the feminine and masculine there is no one. There is always the pull to rejoin your opposite, like a magnetic pull that creates the constant oscillation that creates life. How’s that for the esoteric? I’m so humbled by this knowledge that gives me the power to transcend any thoughts of annihilation and head straight into the gale force of life, full of courage and resolve. As the hero, I set out to rescue the princess; my feminine polarity. They seek each other and afterwards separate once again to keep this all going. It’s universal and timeless.

It's as close to the truth as I can get. There is a serpent and a jaguar and that’s it. The serpent’s body represents the pulsing form while the jaguar is the energy rushing forth along this serpentine highway. It also dawned on me the ancient Egyptians had something close to this idea in their great mother goddess Hathor and her son Ihy. The serpent lady would give birth to the wild bull Ihy, who would also be described as the perfumed effluence coming forth from her body. The rattling of a sistrum, an energetic vibration, much like the shacapa of the shaman in the Amazon, brought forth the Goddess and the power scent she gave off is the naked child come forth in wild abandon.

The clever adept proclaims non-duality. It all just is. It’s true. Within all, the is-ness is consciousness and once the pond is disturbed, duality becomes king through objectification. Trying to define non-duality is trying to define a state of existence; like taking a snapshot in time. Whatever it is we are living in, one thing for sure is it is constantly on the move and in motion therefore beyond definition. From the perspective of the realization of the one, being at the centre, where you become the axis mundi you see it all splinter into shards of duality made up of the feminine and masculine polarities. When I stand at my mesa, I envision I am the lanzon, the centre, the chaupi. I am everything. I look to my left and I see the feminine. I look right and it’s the masculine. I see everything. Lower world, upper world, and then back to self. My mesa represents the self, my self, and the totality of everything that comes from me. It’s all me. I am non-dual and I see it all break down into duality. All aspects and qualities of existence, psychologically and biologically, contained within it all. Which is the correct perspective? Is it from the standpoint of non-duality or does it originate from duality? What are your prejudices?

I look up at the sky, see the clouds, and I am stunned by the vastness of it all. I come to the realization it is the image of mind I am looking at. This vastness is consciousness. I am privileged and privy to having the ability to image mind and see how creation is the representation of the twinning pattern of consciousness and energy, yin and yang, feminine and masculine, serpent and jaguar.

The game is fascinating and I have a fascination with the game. It’s like being at the beach and grasping a handful of hot, white sand. It just slips through your fingers.

fairy tales and magic

After a couple weeks in the jungle it was time to head up into the heavens in the Andes mountains located in the vicinity of north central Peru.

I was eager to continue my lessons with Huachuma as I had fallen in love with the medicine and wasn’t ready to let go. It’s curious how everything works out. Parker is fond of saying that when you let go of old paradigms things start happening for you instead of to you and this is exhibit A. When I started thinking about making this trip to Peru after don Howard had passed away, I wanted to make a pilgrimage to Chavín de Huántar as he had talked so much about it and based his shamanic practice and lineage upon their culture. I mentioned it to Parker and asked if he had time to make the journey out with me to which he eagerly accepted and actually had a contact out that way that don Howard highly recommended. Well things got a rolling from there and before I knew it we had secured not only a seasoned guide but a shamanic practitioner of the highest order! We eventually made plans to spend eight days in the mountains with four more ceremonies of Huachuma at hallowed and sacred sites. In the run up to the trip a friend of Parker’s confirmed he would join us and then while at SpiritQuest we added one more traveller to make it a foursome. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of travelling companions and once again it all just came together in my favour; like it was happening for me. Such good fortune and it’s not lost on me how much of a blessing the whole experience is and the pull to give back to that bank of ayni is strong.

Day 16, Friday February 28th

Our group made it to the town of Chavín early in the morning after a twelve hour overnight bus ride from Lima.

I slept sporadically however the excitement and anticipation of a plant medicine ceremony on the grounds of the fabled Chavín de Huántar at the temple of the jaguar was enough of an adrenaline kick to get me through the day. We met up with the maestro don Martín at 9:30am and he took us to his wonderful store in town which was full of his hand carved stone replicas of Chavín treasures. Then we headed off to the archaeological site of Chavín de Huántar.

The shaman led us down to the river bank where he set up his Mesa amongst the roar of the Mosna river.

The maestro had an impeccable ceremony, punctuated by an offering of coca leaves to Pachamama and then burying the leaves into her womb in the earth. The four of us in the group plus don Martín took turns drinking the filled to the brim cup of Huachuma.

The maestro's preparation of the brew is less reduced and refined than what I was used to via SpiritQuest. It was bright green in colour, there were some chunks of cactus within the cup, and the consistency is more in line with the kind of pulpy and slimy nature of the cactus you would expect. The taste was rather indifferent and probably the easiest of any plant medicines I have drank, though the cup that was filled to the brim was daunting by just looking at the task ahead. After drinking, we separated and went off to a spot along the roaring river.

I dipped my toes into the river, which was very cold, and then admired the scenery while contemplating the ancient connections to a great civilization and the sacredness that this place exuded. Huachumita came on gradually over the next hour and then I felt everything get very relaxed and dreamy while the sounds of nature became clearer. My ask for this round of medicine work was three fold: first I wanted to continue to explore the dream world and the nature of energy that powers creation. Second of all I wanted to continue the Huachuma teachings of heaven and hell as a continual reminder to stay in the heart space. Plus I wanted to continue to explore my passions and desires that seem to rise up whenever I explore my inner true self or ignore my dark side. The effects came on stronger when I closed my eyes so I went with that modality and entered into a dreamlike malaise. Huachumita started teaching me about the carnival and how our energy consciousness enters into lower forms of energy, such as the meat body, and we experience creation as such. We subconsciously glorify these concepts with our language such as the word carné in Spanish for meat and world cultural celebrations of Carnival such as in the Caribbean and Mardi Gras in New Orleans where unabashed hedonism and revelry are the order of the day. We as energetic beings enter into the created world and are in theory free to make of this opportunity what we will. I then explored the ability I have to take something I think about in this dreamlike state and then let the visionary take hold and expand upon this energy my consciousness has brought forth. It re-emphasized the idea we create our own reality both through how we choose to view our predicament and then by also enabling thoughts and events we wish to manifest. This also was in alignment to the teachings of heaven and hell where if I engage the mind and think negative thoughts, the medicine will take these mind creations and play them out to the extreme. The lesson is to be careful of what you do cultivate within the mind if you must be in that space. I then got up and walked around and felt a calming peacefulness within before we re-gathered around don Martín’s portable Mesa about two hours after we first drank. We were all offered more and all downed a second cup. This time the intensity hit quicker and amped everything up another notch. I walked around in the grass while the hot sun beat down upon my exposed skin as the familiar energy started quickly pulsing through me, signalling the approach of the god. The energy was very serpentine and I swayed to its rhythms that were enveloping me. I took notice of the agave plant and went over to feel the serrated edges of its leaves while admiring its unique appearance. It dawned on me that the serpentine nature of its leaves is related to the image I see when I feel the passion and lust of the medicine coursing through me. In the Amazon it always appeared both reptilian as well as plant like and I realized the agave plant here in the Andes mountains I had been foreshadowing. I then started seeing this plant everywhere as once again I explored the rising desires that are sexual in nature and are part of my true nature. This part of the medicine stayed with me the rest of the day and came on in intense waves of lustful energy. I started to fully realize the reason behind why this energy would sometimes amp up. It goes back to an exploration of divine feminine and masculine energy back in late 2017 and how the coming together of the two gives rise to the sum in the form of the coming forth of the god. This energy was the culmination of everything I’d learned and the magic was real. I sat with this for a while while also realizing the strength of the sun at this high altitude was both energizing me as well as cooking my skin during this day full of the sun’s loving rays. Don Martín then took us on a walk through the temple grounds where he had privileged access to all the spots normally unavailable to tourists. He guided us to special energy centres within the space while I continued to work with my pulsing energy.

Eventually the lesson of heaven and hell became present once again and I started wondering about human sacrifice at Chavín and I concocted a far fetched story in my mind putting myself in the role of a modern day sacrifice. I eventually moved past this mental hell but it was a good reminder to keep a leash on the wanderings of the mind. We visited the underground crypts and labyrinth where the stone idol called the Lanzon is situated.

The idea of this god is it depicts our divine nature in that the figure is an anthropomorphic amalgamation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper worlds represented by the serpent, jaguar, and eagle. Within the temple the god’s height encompasses over 16 feet and touches the subterranean, the earth, and protrudes out from the temple in order to touch the sky and reveal its function as an axis mundi. The left hand is lowered with the back of the hand visible while the right arm is raised and open palm is visible; all this representing a coming together and mediation of opposing forces. When you alter your consciousness and the god comes to you, then is seen these truths and the knowledge and identity of the central idol of Chavín is revealed. The uninitiated and casual observer is left perplexed at this strange figure. It is always interesting to acknowledge the deep psychological knowledge of ancient civilizations that we tend to dismiss as primitive when in fact they were representing our lower self, self, and higher self within the temple grounds and idol here at Chavín. Not only that but they combined it with the need to reconcile the feminine and masculine energies and all this they represented in the Andean cross called the chakana. I wonder why our intellectual disciplines of anthropology, archaeology, psychology, and comparative religion don’t synergize towards a greater understanding of the human condition but instead remain separate disciplines disconnected from these truths? The layout of the temple is practically screaming out these answers but instead it's treated as a curiosity of long ago while now hosting groups of ignorant selfie-stick tourists. You could feel the deep reverence don Martín has for the place and also within his soul you can see the sadness over what this place has become. We will never reclaim what was lost here. It will take a catastrophic event that would send our civilization back to the Stone Age where we start over. Access to the Lanzon was blocked by a glass door which in my reverence I banged into, not realizing it was there. I felt the power of the central idol and felt its snarling presence. As I stood there mesmerized I remembered to enter into the heart space and the snarl turned into a smile. Later don Martín got us full access and we all gathered around the Lanzon and felt its healing power envelop us, much like the Mesa at SpiritQuest. Don Martín managed to get us into other privileged places such as a crypt that was about four storeys underground where I experienced the deepest and quietest meditation of my life.

The intense energy continued to fluctuate through my body in waves and I gave up on having anymore thoughts and just examined the impact on my body. We went for dinner and feasted on seafood before calling it a night. Another lifetime in a day.

Day 18, Sunday March 1st

We drove almost two hours up into the mountains to Huascarán National Park and made our way to Laguna de Purhuay at an elevation of about 12,000 feet.

Our shaman knew the area like the back of his hand and led us on a path that culminated in entering through three small passageways into a circular enclosure that housed a pit filled with rocks.

The three circular enclosures represented the upper, middle, and lower worlds. The pit at one time was filled with water and the ceremony was to represent water, the Yacumama mesada. He set up his portable Mesa and then we splashed perfume upon ourselves before making an offering to Pachamama with coca leaves which we then buried under the rocks in the pit. We took turns drinking a full cup of Huachuma and I was the last to drink. The maestro immediately offered us more and he gave me three quarters of a cup as the second person to drink this time. I drank it all down but then came pretty close to vomiting it back up. I miraculously held it back and then just sat there trying to regain my composure. We were then sent off to explore for the next four and a half hours. I climbed up an incline on the path and sat down on a rock however soon afterwards I started to feel sick so I got up and paced around until eventually I puked up the whole brew. Though my stomach felt much better I was disappointed I’d be pretty much out of the medicine all day. I lay down on the rocks and had a pleasant time with my eyes closed just taking in the sounds. With my eyes open I could see the energy around me but that was as far as I got with the effects of the medicine. I got up and went for a long hike on the different paths which reminded me of going on hikes with my dog in the woods where I bring my Mapacho and make a connection with my higher self.

It’s almost like that was the lesson in that I knew from the last ceremony that I didn’t need to be in the medicine anymore to have teachings because if I go to a quiet place or do walking meditation I make the connection and do have profound revelations and insights. I have known this for a while and so the day was another way to practice this while I was away from the direct effects of the medicine. I was trailed on the hike by a pack of dogs that were loud so I still had my usual canine companions following me. 

I started going through my dark side traits and since I had reconciled with them in the final Ayahuasca ceremony, I was just once again going through them and bringing them into the light as it is a good exercise to not bury them any longer. I sat down under a shelter when it started to pour and just started laughing at myself again. It had taken me 52 years to finally reconcile with who I am and just accept it. I thought of a deck of cards and how there are 52 cards in the pack and felt this had a connection to where I am in my life and how I can spend the rest of my lifetime as a wild card just like the joker. I then thought of the comedian Bill Hicks and this disturbing routine he would do where he would become the lustful ‘goat boy.’ He had clearly reconciled with his dark side and wasn’t afraid to bring it out into the open in a comedic and baring his inner most thoughts kind of way. I felt respect and gratitude for him just because he said fuck it, this is who I am. This was all I needed from the day to feel content in this gorgeous location. We ate fruit and smoked Mapacho before heading back, stopping along the way for some trout soup.

Once again a talk with Parker helped me clarify what I have learned on this latest probing of my consciousness. I was telling him of my dark side and my discoveries of it being my true self while he reminded me that my higher self, my light side I bring out into the world, is just as big a part of me as my dark side. It allowed me to clearly see the harmony of self and how unique we are to embody these two halves that combine to make the self. I thought about the flimsiness of the character we play as ego and how that can be shattered in a blink of an eye, especially if the dark side leads us down a path of recklessness that becomes an albatross to maintaining a respectable identity. Funny thing this life is, where we need to put the brakes sometimes on our passions and desires. I thought of my first Ayahuasca ceremony this trip where I was racing past police cars, yellow lights, and then red lights in a seemingly out of control manner. It all started to make a great deal of sense.

Day 19, Monday March 2nd

Butterfly Lessons

Ever since discovering my hidden feminine half I've had a special affinity with the butterfly. The first time I remember it as an omen was my initial trip to SpiritQuest where after a difficult ceremony a butterfly appeared and then the following ceremony was an appearance of the Goddess in her tower which was a ceremony for the ages. When I went to SpiritQuest in March of 2019 the symbolism and appearance of the butterfly was off the charts representing the female sex organs. Once again during this round of my most recent Ayahuasca ceremonies, the butterfly appeared as I chased after the Goddess. During the second Huachuma mesada ceremony at SpiritQuest this year a flock of butterflies appeared as I found the key to heaven. Finally revealed at Chavín I got the lesson of proximity of energetic fields through the synchronization of two butterflies in flight.

There is a connection of the butterfly to the intense sexual energy I perceive with Huachuma. I have drank Huachuma enough now to be able to sit with this energy and figure out what potentiates it. For sure when you drink Huachuma you feel this energy but for me on some of my journeys this energy becomes next level and so intense. I have labelled it serpent power and the kundalini rising up within. Lately it has been taking over my body with this intense fluttering as well as when I close my eyes this intense sexual passion and energy appears as these hot and smouldering colours. Words don’t do this justice.

During the Huachuma ceremony at Chavín I was feeling this energy when I spotted two yellow butterflies flying around coming closer to each other and almost touching and then flying off. They would continually repeat this behaviour in my presence. It started to dawn on me that their proximity to one another was in essence a union of the two, a harmonic convergence, forming a connection that was probably similar to the feelings I get with plant medicines. I remembered my studies of ancient Egypt where the male gods depicted as frogs in the Ogdoad all needed the power of the Goddess as the serpent to be effective. It points to a metaphor of the polarity of a battery and the two poles of feminine and masculine to release the charge. Each power on its own is dormant until they come together.

So I had my answer and looked back on my Huachuma ceremonies where I have felt this power. In all these ceremonies is the setting and presence of strong feminine energy. The proximity of the goddess energy, like the example of the butterflies, is what charges the energy within me and sends me to the heights of energetic bliss.

Day 20, Tuesday March 3rd

We left Chavín early at 6am and made our way towards Huaraz, stopping after a three hour ride at a spot in the Cordillera Negra mountain range called Hatun Mache which is a Bosque de Rochas that translates as forest of rocks.

We were led to a natural cave by don Martín where he set up his Mesa and then blew into his conch shell which echoed off the natural amphitheater into the breathtaking views of the mountains.

I told the maestro I only wanted to drink one cup and then wait for a bit before drinking a second cup in order to limit the chances of vomiting it back up again. The shaman’s brew doesn’t taste awful, it is a little bit mucous like, and with an empty stomach the first cup set pretty well. I went for a walk and explored the rock forest before finding a place to settle. The scenery of the forest was fantastic and I lamented the fact I left my camera back at the cave. The first hour and a half with the medicine was peaceful and dreamy though I wasn’t feeling energetic. I returned to don Martín’s Mesa, drank another cup, and then grabbed my camera to photograph the rocks as we were given twenty minutes before we would move on. Little did I know don Martín was going to lead us on an epic adventure through the rock forest. The rocks were beyond belief and their grandeur was heightened by the effects of Huachumita taking hold.

We hiked quite a distance through this strange and magical place that was seemingly endless. We were so high up, close to 14,000 feet, that we could see the clouds roll in around us.

The maestro had us stop at this surreal place with towering cliffs and menacing rocks for two hours as the medicine’s effects ratcheted up.

I laid down on the rocks and just witnessed the energy grow with intensity until I started to hear a choir singing in the heavens around us and then a clap of thunder interrupted the performance. I thought of angels and dragons as the clouds finished rolling in which completely encased us in a fog. It was like a scene in some kind of enchanted fairy tale and I became the hero of the story, full of courage, who ventures into the heavens to find and slay the dragon. The dragon is full of pride and wants to be known as the strongest and smartest of all. I knew I could never defeat him by challenging him to a fight but I knew I could outsmart him which really pisses him off. He could take me out with one blast of his breath but he has honour and will engage in this battle of wits. I have known since I started drinking plant medicines that the quest I am on would come down to this: I’d seek out the dragon and then take him down. Here I was in the heavens realizing this was all really true. I couldn’t believe it because it is the stuff of fantasy even though my plant medicine journeys would continually reveal this quest to me. So here I was in the heart space and now fully believing in this fairy tale and it was happening, basically the culmination of this seven year journey. In an interesting and unexpected twist, Huachumita took metaphor and presented it as reality. The next ceremony at Heaven's Gate has become very intriguing to say the least. I sat on a rock, full of courage, and contemplated the completion of my hero’s journey as it was all coming together at this very moment. I felt the magic in the world and smiled at this dreamworld we live in. This all coincides with this book I have been researching and writing for the last several years which is reaching its conclusion as well and it is all about defeating the dragon. This life has become reality shrouded in fantasy.

The clouds had completely enveloped us by this time as we began the trek back to the entrance.

Without don Martín’s guidance I would have been lost forever in Medusa’s stone forest. In fact I’m not sure this place exists. I think it re-appears every morning at daybreak before disappearing once again in late afternoon. The drive back to Huaraz was full of the energy ebbing and flowing. My music was heavenly and seemed to be playing at a slower speed. The four of us went for dinner, we were all still so high and feeling the love, while the medicine stayed strong. We talked until 11pm and then feeling a reprieve in the energy, settled in for a good night’s sleep as the last page in the fairy tale turned over.

This was undoubtably the most strange and incredible journey I have had with Huachuma. The sum of my medicine journeys have prepared me well to face any adversity with an open heart and courage and to stay clear of engaging the mind. Just let it flow. I learned the lessons well and was the ultimate hero today in facing something so much more powerful than me and chiding the dragon by telling him I will outsmart him in the end. During past journeys with Huachuma I would have been reduced to a heightened sense of fear at what was all transpiring before me; now I know enough to stay in the heart centre and face whatever comes at me. The battle is won with courage and it is something don Howard would reference when he’d ask “Where do you think courage comes from?"

You can’t make this stuff up.

Day 22, Thursday March 5th

I have completed sixteen Huachuma ceremonies over the course of the last five years with the final one of this latest round of work a bit later this morning. I think I can speak with some sort of clarity on the effects of the medicine.

Number one is that it is not a hallucinogen. Visions are sporadic if you get them at all. Instead Huachuma is a clarigen that amplifies everything, whether that is realizing the beauty of nature, feelings, your open heart, your distrusting mind, sounds, and energy. The connection and harmonization between two energy polarities such as feminine and masculine is also laid bare if you take notice.

Along the same line, Huachuma is a potentiator of the energy in your body. Everything becomes more focused and clear and as you start to work with the medicine you pick up on this and discover what is happening in a way that makes it undeniable. Your consciousness is elevated to the point where you are seeing and feeling a different perspective of what you have always been perceiving and this allows you to see things in a new light.

If I am around something such as the beauty in nature or someone I am attracted to then the pull of the energy is undeniable. I have witnessed this enough to see that just being in the setting of and the energy being expressed leads to a harmonization of the two energy fields and this joining leads to an incredible feeling of pleasure throughout the body that could be thought of as a full body orgasm. It can come on as rising energy that makes you flutter and at first experience you can be taken aback by it however when it continually happens you take notice of why it is happening and then you can relax and enjoy its power.

Today marked the last ceremony of this epic trip and my proverbial cup is full. I had no asks for this ceremony and just wanted to be a conduit for the energy that flows through me, always amplified by the Huachuma medicine. We drove about three hours from Huaraz to Laguna de Llanganuco, otherwise known as Heaven’s Gate which is part of the Huascarán National Park located in the Cordillera Blanca mountain range. About half the drive was up the mountain on a bumpy dirt road that felt like a rickety wooden rollercoaster. The drive was more than worth it as we reached an elevation of 13,000 feet and were greeted by a crystal clear turquoise lagoon and soaring mountain tops.

We hiked along the water’s edge, past the tourist trails, and into a secluded area that was hidden by some brush that the shaman told us was don Howard’s favourite spot.

The maestro conducted another breathtaking and flawless ceremony and I downed a cup of the medicine with ease on my empty and fasting stomach.

The others in the group downed two cups but I didn’t want to take a chance of purging so don Martín gave me an hour before I would drink a second cup. During the first hour once again the senses became alert and sharpened. I surveyed the beautiful scenery and noticed clouds covering the snow capped Huascarán mountain peak.

I wondered if the dragon was veiled by the clouds and if I would see him when the clouds lifted? I spent some time taking pictures of my fellow travellers as the medicine gave me a peaceful and calm feeling. The hour passed by relatively quickly and I drank another full cup with relative ease. Within five minutes I was feeling the intense energy and coming of the god that envelops me while we all went our separate ways. At this point in our multi-ceremony journeys we all pretty much practice the STFU method and so for the next two hours we just all sat or stood alone with the medicine.

The energy load was strong and I felt like a conduit for all the energy in our world. Through belief and desire I realize I shaped my world through the choices made as the energy is then directed into whatever is chosen. I was reminded of my light and dark sides and how the energy vacillates between the two extremes, creating the self at the midway point of the crest and trough of the energetic wave. All is vibration, as the Goddess explained to me the first time I ever drank Ayahuasca. The knowledge download of the light and dark sides of me being a wave pattern was such a great revelation and should allow me to just reconcile with myself and live a more accepting and peaceful life, not wanting to bury parts of me I shun anymore because of culture and expectations. Without both polarities there is no life; instead everything would come to a standstill and without motion there is no life. To live a pure and holy life is to cease to manifest.

I also pondered those who chase an adrenaline rush where the energy we carry around is amplified by putting oneself in a situation where the adrenaline increases the energy load within. Huachuma for me is doing this and also transforming the energy into the power that is behind all of life that consists of the all encompassing love of the feminine source and the consciousness of the masculine source.

The intensity of the medicine increased and the next wave hit as a blast of sexual energy. I became quite fidgety and paced around as it kept growing stronger. I wondered how much of this my body could handle? Parker lent me his sunglasses so I could look directly at the sun which was so high and radiant in the sky and shining with a glorious intensity. By just staring at the sun the energy subsided and I felt a peaceful calm wash over me. I had laid down to stare at the sun as up to this point in today’s journey I had remained upright because the Huachuma settles better in my stomach while upright. Now it felt way more enjoyable to remain lying down even after I gave Parker his sunglasses back. The waves of intense energy returned as I rolled away from direct contact with the sun. At this point Kylie walked past me and grabbed my outstretched hand. The act of holding her hand allowed my energy to transfer to her and I felt a reprieve. It was a double edged sword though as the more I felt her touch the waves of energy intensified and this went on for a while.

The maestro had prepared another ceremony, this time with Pachamama, the great spirit of Mother Earth. He dug a hole in the ground and made offerings of coca followed by corn mixed with grains. We all had a turn to make an offering and I thanked the great Mother for all she had done for me, for this magical day I was currently in love with, and how she created this playground for her children, who are the manifestations of the feminine and masculine energies that pervade all of creation. She created the world in order that we may experience life in a conscious body and play games such as the one I am playing where I will slay the dragon while seeking to free my other half in some extended chase and teasing foreplay divine scenario. I had no more to ask of her as she has done so much for me and I affirmed I’d forever be in her service and need to step up my game in regards to calling out the destruction of this amazing planet we all share. We all took turns with our offerings and then we took the dirt in our hands and covered the offerings while giving thanks. It was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I’d ever had the privilege to be a part of.

After a fruit explosion in our mouths, we cuddled up against the cliff of the mountain and don Martín told us the story of the two great mountains of the lagoon as star-crossed lovers who express their eternal love as the two mountains who in their grandeur face each other for eternity.

We started the hike back to the passenger van with Kylie, Cain, and myself taking our sweet time keeping up with the rest of the group as we drank in as much of the experience as possible. Feeling elated, we kept stopping for pictures. Eventually we caught up to the group at a prime spot for taking pictures against the backdrop of the lagoon and Heaven’s Gate, so-called that because there was no way to determine when the earth merged into heaven. The reminder of don Howard became clear when he said, “you don’t find heaven, you realize it.” A big assist goes out to Huachumita for giving me the key to heaven. As the moon made an appearance the backdrop became all the more surreal.

We became local celebrities as some of the Peruvian tourists wanted to take their picture with us gringos dressed in ponchos. It was quite hilarious.

The bus ride back to Huaraz was so memorable while our hearts were wide open. It rekindled in me what it was like to make connections with people and share a moment of really enjoying their presence. I had long forgotten these feelings and to experience all this once again was a gift beyond measure and I’m so grateful for the opportunity. It was ultimately a lesson in learning that love comes not from an external source but has been in your heart all along. Instead of looking for it, express it. I was energetically wide open with gratitude for my heart, Pachamama, Huachumita, the shaman, and my hermanos and hermana. It was another gift from another lifetime in a day that just keeps on giving.

We went for dinner with the maestro on this last night with him with the energy still present and returning in waves. I eagerly ate my first meal of the day and we ended staying up talking and laughing until 1:30am before calling it a night.

This whole three week adventure has been a gift beyond any conceivable expectation and has allowed me to just accept myself for who I am and learn to stay high and in bliss is the path of the heart while realizing that to engage the mind more than necessary will lead to a hellish existence.

Day 24, Saturday March 7

We are back in Lima and being in a big and bustling city has brought me back to reality. I've had some pangs of home sickness throughout these three weeks I have been away but now it is full on and the prospect of being in Lima any longer than I need to seems to be unwelcome. I’m scheduled to leave early Monday morning but I think I will try to change it to early Sunday morning. It will be good to get back Sunday as it is my dog Luna’s birthday. She probably thinks I’m dead.

I have a lot to unpack mentally from this trip and integrate. Every thing I asked for I believe I have received an answer and now I just have to connect all the information and synthesize all I have learned. One big take away is to stop pretending or striving to be someone you are not. I was shown I have a dark and light side and that is what energizes and enlivens my self. To deny one is to affect and nullify the other. Also I was shown that in order to stay high and in a state of bliss then you need to live in the heart and limit engagement of the mind. I asked for this lesson repeatedly from Huachuma and I was given it which allowed me to fully understand it. I went from experiencing the constant cycling between a state of being in heaven to a trip to hell enough times to really grasp that it is all about choice and how you wish to live and perceive your surroundings. It was a lesson that had to be experienced over and over throughout many years and ceremonies in order to finally get it to sink in which it did fully and completely after don Martín’s mesada at Chavín. I knew after that one I didn’t have to play that game anymore. One constant for me concerning plant medicines is how they amplify everything and that’s how you learn from them. Huachuma’s potentiation of energy just takes every feeling and super-charges them so you can extrapolate their subtle effects you don’t normally realize and see how they actually do affect you and those around you on a grand scale. My energetic aura must shine on a subtle scale that when I drink Huachuma just elevates it into an energetic tour de force. It is really quite incredible to experience how intense the energy is within, how it emanates, and how I can share it with others. When I find another being I can then harmonize my energy with then the connection is magical and a power radiates from that connection that puts you in a state of such sharing and pleasure it is heavenly. I need to ponder if that is what life is all about on all levels? Is it finding a connection with another energy form that electrifies and lights you up? Now that I have found it and experienced it enough I wonder if the energy fields I resonate with are limited or if there are plenty of fields out there you can share the experience with? There’s always more so the journey is far from over and there’s is more to explore. From a personal standpoint I wish to go way deeper into Huachuma. I can’t honestly say I want to continue with Ayahuasca at this point but I do realize there is a synergy with Huachuma when done first to heal and purify so I will respect that modality and synergy between the two plant medicines.

There are also a couple take aways from working with the medicines this time around. One is to be not only a shining example of their ability to transform you into a fully integrated human being but also to be a grounded ambassador to the plants and be more vocal about the benefits and profound discoveries that are available and can be gleaned from working with them. In addition I made a promise to Pachamama to be a champion in terms of environmental concerns. The earth is our home, our sustenance, and our playground which allows her children, the divine female and masculine, that have come forth to experience her bounty in a physical form. We are ignorant and dismissive of her unconditional love and destroying her gift. We as a species are cognizant of this but we need to sense the urgency and enact change. This can be accomplished through awareness and ceremony along with the teachings of plant medicines.

I used to conclude my plant medicine journey recaps with some kind of declaration that I will probably be moving on from that modality of exploring my consciousness. I have stopped doing that as first of all if hasn’t been the case but also because I’d be foolish to stop. I’ve come this far and feel currently that the working relationship I have with them is next level and that is the exciting part I wish to keep exploring. In terms of Huachuma this trip the gate was wide open, I went in and found not only answers I was seeking but the magic available when we break out of mundane consciousness and raise our vibration. I’m ready to go headlong into this exploration.