Monday, March 29, 2021

acceleration and deceleration

The dream I had a week ago Saturday night will leave me food for thought for quite a while as it was a full plate. During the day, the weather and sunshine contributed to the first spring like day of the year and I spent a great deal of time outside, all the while smoking away on Mapacho. For those unfamiliar with the tobacco maestro, he is a potentiator of dreams, always reminding me that Ayahuasca visions and dreams are of the same world.

So, here’s the dream: I had been hanging out with three other people in a remote location; the identity of the those with me were generic, no one familiar. This particular evening, I went to a sacred spot of visions. There was no catalyst needed; instead you peered into this darkness and it became visionary. With me during this occasion was one of the women. She peered in and then encouraged me to do so. The visions were kaleidoscopic and abstract in nature. I commented that I wished I could record what I am seeing through the auspices of my mind that is interpreting the energy in this portal. The woman with me was talking to me about these revelations and how she needed to show others this place of wonder. She then became part of the experience and started directly communicating with me without speech. I have previously experienced this modality of communication during Ayahuasca ceremonies with the Great Goddess. Eventually, I felt the woman I was in communion with merge into me until she squeezed my chest and heart so much I felt smothered and couldn’t breathe. I physically felt these sensations though I was dreaming which eventually woke me up. The suffocation stopped once I stopped struggling and accepted the hug. When I came to, I was in a wtf state for a bit before I started trying to comprehend the dream. I wasn’t scared though I had some adrenaline flowing from the experience and recurring tingles throughout my body because of the excitement. It was a bit of a shock however a testament to my experience on this path that I did not get frightened or have some kind of panic about what transpired but instead I experienced recurring chills in regards to how real it was. Mapacho makes the dream so real it makes me question the reality I live in. I have indeed dreamt before a dream that fingered Mapacho as the potentiator of the mental energy behind this reality we think is really real.

I have a few initial takeaways from the dream. The major one was the feminine spirit I felt merge with me and squeeze me like a constrictor. I tried to figure out who she represents but, in the end, I think she is an amalgamation of the feminine divine. The dream is showing me the underlying desire of the feminine to possess. They want to hold on so tight and sometimes it leads to smothering. Lately, I have been marvelling at the symbol of the serpent for the feminine because of how in life too much love can lead to feeling suffocated much like a boa constrictor would squeeze the life out of you. The way out is not to avoid love but to let it happen. Let the serpent constrictor have her embrace, celebrate her love, find balance, and proceed to once again disengage and go your separate ways. I also thought about the human custom of hugging and how it uniquely captures the instinct to love, squeeze, and possess. Further clarity on that dream is I remember an Ayahuasca ceremony in 2016 where the Goddess as a green boa entered into my body and took up residence in me. I’d have to believe then the woman with me at the visionary site was her. She was reminding me of the need to stay heart strong on this path.

Another takeaway is something intuitive where I have noticed the feminine has this occult power resident within that I’m not sure they even understand. It is magical and sends out vibrations that are intent upon enchantment. I say this because of certain women I meet who I know become interested in the vibe I put out and in turn they want to possess it. I don’t say this in terms of self-aggrandizement or wanting to give myself an ego boost but instead recognize it for what it is. Ultimately, I am walking a path that has to remember liberation is the key ingredient. I believe the dream represents an obstacle on the path being the tendency of the feminine to ensnare, not in a devious and plotting manner, but in a loving way and this makes you give up the path towards the answer to the mystery and parallel journey that calls out to you. You sacrifice the odyssey to tend to the needs of the feminine archetype which is to create family. In parallel, men also have an instinct to possess, we like to collect things, which in turn enslaves us. I remember a Ram Dass talk teaching the way out of this behaviour. It’s to treat all as the beloved instead of continuously collecting individual manifestations of the beloved. My first cycle of work with Ayahuasca in 2013 dealt with this very predicament. The masculine energy I was in communion with was presenting as a madman and was spouting off about the feminine in a very misogynist tone. I remember sitting there in the dark in the middle of the jungle listening to this and wondering what I had got myself into? I was being told the subjugation of the feminine was because of her charms that took the man repeatedly away from his reason for being here in form in the repeat of his incarnation. To walk the path of the hero was thwarted by settling down into domestic hell. I didn’t know it at the time but this appearance of a madman was just one of the ways the divine masculine can manifest in vision. Sometimes, he’s stark raving mad, pulsing with energy, and other times he’s a wise grandfather. I now celebrate them all. At that particular time, he came on in this way to teach me the lesson. Well, that and to chase me away to see if I had the courage and fortitude to return and take up my sword of liberation.

The thing about the hero’s journey calling out to you is that it leads to liberation of not only the masculine spirit within but will also free the feminine from the masculine’s desire to possess. When the masculine pursues the feminine he becomes a collector, and being the stronger of the two powers he ends up locking her up in a castle made of gold or in some cultures she is veiled and never let out without being escorted by her husband or brothers. The path of freedom leads to extricating oneself from cultural constructs and at the same time making this freedom available to all.

I also recall Ram Dass telling a story where his guru Maharaji-ji told him he should be alone. I don’t have a Maharaji but I do know I need to be alone. The pitfall is that if I spend too much time alone I become destructive so once again it leads me towards seeking balance. Then the scales tip in the other direction and I have to extricate myself out of the ensuing predicament. Ram Dass further explained this advice with the caveat that though he should be alone, contradictory he should be with others. What this advice is getting at are the subjects of freedom and attachment. You can be around others and enjoy them however do not get attached. You’ll sacrifice your freedom on the altar of possessive love or co-opt your ideals to fit in with the group and it’s game over. The journey comes to a sudden stop. Maybe next time you’ll beat the game. Therein lies the rub. There’s always a next time so we fall into the trap and say we have come far in this incarnation and we’ll get them next time. There’re no guarantees. I got a good roll of the dice this time around thus being on to the game, I think I should see it through to where it is leading me this time around.

Overall, the dream is forcing me to concretize what I already know. The impetus of the dream is to get me to examine the nature of the universe and develop my thoughts into a coherent structure that unlocks the mystery of just what is. It’s the next lesson on the path where I knew the masculine was energetic outpouring but the feminine was a mysterious power that entrapped the masculine in order to create form. I wasn’t sure of the mystery. I got it now. The epiphany followed the dream. The energy is masculine and feminine. The masculine is acceleration and the feminine is deceleration and that constitutes what just is. The masculine wants to go fast, to be free, to shine, to roam, and to be unencumbered. The feminine wants to slow it all down, hug it out, unity, love, and create form. Deceleration creates the world of form. Acceleration is the destroyer that seeks to liberate itself from form. That is the mystery.

This simple description of the pulse of energy being acceleration and deceleration plays out on the world stage in the behaviours of the man and the woman. I take a walk in the woods and look at the massive girth of a mature tree and just see decelerated energy that has taken on form. All biological life is this energy of the universe decelerated into innumerable patterns with the acceleration of the masculine polarity giving it life. Within our forms are the two gendered charges creating and destroying life in a continuous cycle. It’s so awesome, empowering, and at the same time comforting to understand this lesson. Even in the world of electronics, I see this concept at work in the idea of the computer replicating the biological life form where the divine feminine is the form of the computer and the divine masculine is the electrical power that gives life to the form. The makings of this construct is also witnessed in the animal kingdom where the instinct animals are said to run on, the law of the jungle and the survival of the fittest, are the traits of the masculine power. The feminine is the form and the traits of the great mother overtake the animal when they are flooded with estrogen during pregnancy and motherhood.

This knowledge I have been sitting with for a while but it’s only now the understanding has come. I have previously described all life as being a verb in the sense that nouns are objects and anything we can lay claim to that does not transform is dead. Life is transformation. Fighting transformation is useless and leads to suffering in the same sense that the Tao Te Ching teaches that swimming against the current leads to frustration and counsels you to go with the flow. Accept that the gift of life is enabled by transformation as opposed to fighting change and the requisite suffering. Once the body stops transforming it dies but the death of the vehicle leads to continual transformation of the energy sustaining that body; free once again to enliven another form. The ancient Egyptians perfectly understood this concept and assigned to the scarab beetle called Khepri the representation of this continual process of the universe. One of the regal names of the Pharaohs of the 18th dynasty included a variation of this theme of transformation. The Pharaoh’s name you see encircled in a cartouche, called the prenomen by Egyptologists, emotes this idea of transformation. The prenomen of Pharaoh Akhenaten is “Neferkhepure-Waenre” which recalling my knowledge of ancient Egyptian means something like, “beautiful are the transformations of light.” His son, the famous Pharaoh Tutankhamen, prenomen is “Nebkheperure” which translates to the “Lord of the transformations of light.” The ancient Egyptians were spiritual masters of the knowledge of energy and its continual transformations.

The masculine impetus of the eternal flame climbs the mountain of appearance. The power inherent in the speed of light accelerates to the top, suffers in his journey, and finally shines in grandeur for all to admire. The feminine deceleration of the energy takes the path of least resistance back downhill towards unity until the masculine leaves once again, fully rested, to seek out adventure.

This blog space is a testament to my journey of discovery where I don’t want to come across as having all the answers. I certainly did not and I can look back on my journey and see that it was a progression where I detailed what I needed at the time knowing that I had so much still to discover. As I have progressed upon the path so much has been revealed, a little at a time, and then I have to understand the knowledge. Once I understand the concept, I move on to the next lesson. The obstacles in the path are removed and I advance unencumbered to the next block of teachings.

Monday, March 22, 2021


It’s all an act. I’m such a good actor I don’t even recognize I am acting so how would I comprehend the masterful dramatic performance of the ultimate actor? I’ve seen the master teacher and marvelled at how he transcends time. How he multiplies coincidences to the point of absurdity. How he wakes me from dreams at his whim to give me food for thought. How he laughs as I curse him and tell him I’m going to destroy him. He then whispers in my ear as I wake, “I’m going to kill you.” He continuously challenges me and watches me fall down. He speaks to me with the voice of a madman, contributing to my psychosis. As with the Goddess, he never has given up on me, though his curriculum is deadly.

He plays multiple roles and wears different costumes; therefore, the subterfuge with the help of cultural indoctrination, originally caused me to identify him as an external entity. He sometimes scares the shit out of me while subsequently appearing as a struggling actor in a vision with the sole purpose of enacting a scene change and hinting at a new lesson plan. He has a recurring role as “god" though a great deal of the new generation are tiring of that one. Sometimes, he is red and has horns.

He’s the great jaguar. I’m so dense that when I transformed into a jaguar during an Ayahuasca ceremony I thought, “shit, I’m such a bad ass and so courageous that I earned it." Instead, the big lesson was you are him. Look. Can’t you see it? You’re just coming home. You’re the son of colossal power. The indescribable, unknowable, and indestructible energy of the universe - the masculine polarity defined as the zoë, underlies all these manifestations and is you too. The master class involves remembering that you are the jaguar.

Therefore, I’m really teaching myself. Teaching myself courage, bravery, and liberation. All this suffering is for liberation and transformation. The mass suffering is done out of a love so deep that it puts us all through hell so we will rise above it. It is the impetus for the hero’s journey. The master class teaches liberation in order to be free of conditions and act of your own choice and accord. If you want to discover whom you really are and the nature of this existence that seems to be an imperative.

After I returned from class in Peru in 2016, I had this very strange dream. I was in the maloca at SpiritQuest during a Huachuma ceremony. I was naked and don Howard poured Huachuma, the consistency of green slime, all over me. I smoked a Mapacho and put it out on the ceremonial floor to which I was chastised by don Howard for my lack of respect. It got even stranger but I’ll leave out those details because they’ll take away from the gist of this tale. Anyway, I have sporadically tried over the ensuing four plus years to figure out the meaning of this dream. It was one of those dreams that I had no trouble recalling the next day as opposed to the majority that just fade away, even while you are in the midst of recalling them. I think I finally figured it out.

In that cycle of work at SpiritQuest, I had succeeded in blowing past my fears and limitations and indeed within an Ayahuasca ceremony I raised my consciousness and transformed into a jaguar. It was a recognition of unlocking that power within and subsequently I have realized that jaguar was freed from deep within my shadow and he was accepting me into his training school. Jaguar training school, the order of the jaguar; I was enrolled!

It’s been a challenge for sure; I’ve skipped class numerous times however at some point I have also studied and learned so much knowledge which I have converted into understanding and wisdom. I get the feeling it’s hard to get kicked out of this school once you are accepted; instead, the heat is just turned up to see what you are made of and to force you to transform or perish. The course will probably last the remainder of my biological life. I’m an attentive student, though at times led away by distractions.

The last phase of the work in 2016 involved a ceremony with the sacred Vilca and my intensive phase of 2016 ended with communing with the curanderos and curanderas of renown. I was told that within I had the ability to heal and my primary method of healing involved the sacred tobacco Mapacho. In retrospect, apparently a magic wand isn't waved and you don’t automatically become an agent of healing. Instead, there is training through the adventure of life. I’ve incorporated Mapacho into my daily ritual and maintained a somewhat respectful attitude towards him while always treating him with reverence. I have repeatedly observed his effects and have definitely noticed that respect negates addiction. That lesson is alone worth the price of tuition. Mapacho can contain up to 20x the nicotine levels of a regular cigarette. I smoke regularly and have no cravings or withdrawal symptoms. I can go days or even months without smoking if it’s unavailable, like during this current pandemic. In other words, addiction to tobacco, the nicotine within the plant, is a result of behaviour that does not respect the plant. Tell that to a scientist or even someone you know. Watch them raise their eyebrow.

The effects of Mapacho involve heightening the senses and an energetic connection to your surroundings. The dosage level is admittedly tough as I enter into this new phase of my teachings. I have to sit down and find a quiet space, he is that intense. However, I can see the energy, I can feel the energetic connection, and I can hear sounds far off into the distance as the clarity envelops me. I have a feeling what this is leading to: Mapacho calls out to the Jaguar to come forth. The forging of consciousness and energy is the new lesson plan.

Anyway, back to the dream - the ceremony was obviously a consecration into the order of the Jaguar which involved taking an oath binding both of us. Don Howard presided over the ceremony and welcomed me into the order. The great Jaguar is the ultimate warrior, the alpha of all alphas, and the cosmic grandfather teaching me the ways of the wise. To Otorongo I earned my place as Otorongocito. 

Monday, March 15, 2021

reciprocal exercise

He rubbed my nose in it. We used to do this to puppies when house training them. If they took a dump in the house we’d put their nose in the shit in order that they learn not to crap anymore on the carpet. I bring up this turn of phrase because it is in essence what my shadow did to me. I was weak when I first met him and I was so scared of his presence I ran away like a coward. Subsequently, when he told me truths about the world I recoiled from what he was telling me or I just flat out rejected the assertions. He was my adversary and I thought he was deceitful so I discarded what he said. The behaviour was reflexive on my part because he was so frightening and I just didn’t want to hear him out. Now I know better and am all ears.

So, what did he rub my nose in? Well, on multiple occasions in ceremony he’d show me all the darkness and greed attached to plant medicines. A plant like Ayahuasca is an energetic sponge and will soak up the energy and intentions of those around her. My shadow kept telling me she is not pura medicina. He would tell me the operators of these retreat centres were mostly in it for the money. They are retreats designed for affluent westerners and no local would get their “healing” from a place such as this. Those with integrity would balance their higher intentions with business but make no mistake as income generators there are many hands with a stake in the enterprise. He told me they use people to further their outreach as it is free advertising. The visions and thoughts I had regarding this state of affairs were very slimy and unnerving. I didn’t like that at all and was very troubled by them. My visions became tainted by this knowledge and I had to learn to let it go. It was difficult to reconcile the pursuit of higher consciousness with the paradigm of profit. I chalked up the visions to a darkness within the medicine as opposed to an energetic component that parasitically attached to the remedy and I did my best to avoid going back to those strange places of consciousness. I reconciled commerce and spiritual retreats and I was okay with it as long as there was no hard sell. Employees must be paid and food doesn’t show up on one’s plate for free.

Within social constructs there is always one person who is able to generate wealth and from them it flows outwards. They are power centres that attract followers. Huachumon perfectly explained this to me while I was in the Andes mountains of Ecuador in late 2017. You play within the system, generate wealth, and people gravitate towards you. Obviously, the problem arises when the person at the head of the construct can no longer function in that role; in the case to which I’m referring they balance greed, insecurity, and a business genuinely interested in raising consciousness. This creates a vacuum and power is transferred to someone else whose intentions could be primarily revenue generation and they base all decisions upon this sentiment, sprinkled in with a mistrust of others. When the stresses of life come and mark my words they will, it will reveal their true intentions. It will be reflected in the plant medicines and this new vibe will permeate the surroundings.

My shadow repeatedly warned me to not get attached. Maintain your freedom as you never know what’s around the corner. The events that lately have transpired vindicate what he was showing and teaching me. I’m sure it happens on such a regular basis he just laughs and re-runs the same script over and over. I guess I need to look inwards and put myself in the situation. What would I do? Would I sell out and make selfish decisions, not caring about the fallout, and be unable to see the consequences of my actions? Perhaps I am off-base because I’m privileged to have been born in a part of the world where prosperity and generating income hasn’t been a problem. I’m far enough along this path I’ve seen some things. I could trade in my influence and knowledge for power which I could convert into riches. I was offered this deal. I have been all along seeking out knowledge and have sat at the feet of the great teacher and grasped what he was saying. If you want power he will give it to you. Just ask. There’s this wonderful and feel good word he throws around called reciprocity. You ask for something and in return you offer up something. You take and you give back. That’s how it works. It’s so sanguine and one of those next level spiritual concepts that makes everything so glorious. Reciprocity. Such an enlightened way of thinking.

Ha ha. Ask of your shadow and it’s yours. Here you go. Are you going to keep your end of the bargain you just made? Yeah, I didn’t think so. No one told you about the consequences, did they? It’s best not to take if you aren’t willing to fulfill your end of the agreement. Reciprocity doesn’t seem so grand when the collector shows up at your door for payment.

I lead a charmed life and stumble onto and past obstacles on the spiritual path. I loved the concept of reciprocity when I listened to the elucidation of its ideals of fairness and equity. I once asked the Great Goddess to tell me the answer to a question I had wondered about all my life. In short time, she told me the answer. In return, I promised I’d write a book about it. I’m done the book. Paid in full. I tested my shadow out a few times with trivial asks in exchange for becoming his student. It all worked out. I have no debts and I don’t plan to incur any. My only asks of plant medicines involve the raising of consciousness and in exchange I will write about it. I wanted to conquer my fears and develop courage and bravery. I was shown love and my heart was ripped open. I seek knowledge and set out on a path to become a spiritual warrior. All these qualities I wished to acquire I have been blessed with their bestowment. In return, I am working towards becoming a healer and raising the level of consciousness in this world for the good of all. I seek not fame, fortune, or self-aggrandizement. I fulfill my obligations, sometimes with aplomb and sometimes I am a miserable failure. However, the intention remains. I see many fall off the path or gravitate away from it. Taking a deep dive into the reasons, I’m sure it has to do with reciprocity or even trying to escape fulfilling your contractual obligations as us human scoundrels are predisposed to do.

When you play the long game, you can see it. The reciprocal outcomes are tangible and fair; so much so that the plant medicine path can be described as an exercise in reciprocity.

Monday, March 8, 2021


To be birthed by the Goddess gives rise to the ability to become greater than the gods. The child coming forth from her contains both the masculine life force and the feminine life form. Into consciousness we are birthed with the potential to harmonize both powers. Instead of harbingers of either power, we can combine them into a harmonious whole and realize the appearance of the indestructible life force into the conscious world of forms, eventually discarding the body and becoming a perfected being following the example of the caterpillar’s metamorphosis into a butterfly. Her powers of intoxication must be the key to discovering and achieving this synthesis. Through rhythm and dance, the song of our lives beats outs the time signature that implores us to become whole and make our mother proud. I rise from darkness, a miracle.

Contained within the spiritual journey is the discovery of the raw energy that animates all. It’s desire. It is Eros who lights you up and you chase the pleasure it brings. Life becomes a game of desire fulfillment and a drive and purpose for getting you out of bed in the morning. I’m all too familiar with this whole scenario I am writing out and I have tried to transcend desire in order to get my spiritual bona fides only to realize this was an impossible task. Later, I learned I cannot transcend desire because I am desire. Okay, I’ll embrace it then; well, not go full on tantric but learn to incorporate desire into my life and not let it over take my existence to the detriment of dominating my life. I didn’t have any idea how I was going to do that and not much of a plan.

My modus operandi is usually to stumble onto answers when I am ready for them. The page in the textbook is turned over and on to the next lesson. The strange part is I already have the knowledge but did not have the requisite experience to fully understand what I know. And here we are. I know desire is what manifests creation. It’s the magical elixir that brings the world into form. It’s raw and red masculine energy; to wit the animating principle that gives the feminine form the juice to allow her to weave her magic. This power can rise up through the body, piercing energetic blocks as it ascends. It’s the basis of kundalini yoga and the chakra system in Hinduism. The serpent is propelled by the energy up and out through the colour spectrum until it reaches the astral plane as purified white light. I have recently written about the ancient Egyptian conception of this purified white light as the Akh, a heron that is the vehicle for the unification of the energetic and conscious components within the human. Eros is the unbridled energy from your shadow who is ever present but relies on the conscious coming forth of the biological life form in order to play. Combining the two makes for a conscious and energetic form that upon realization of their predicament realizes they are all-powerful. It’s quite the rush, with the potential to be highly disruptive and destructive. The superman created by this union needs the power of the Goddess in order to temper the steel. This elixir is Love. Love of the woman purifies the man. This is the completion of the journey up and out through the body and into the astral plane as fully realized conscious energy. A new form birthed through the fires of incarnation that is the epitome of life’s journey. To become greater than the gods; welcomed by the Great Goddess, the mother of all who sacrifices everything for her children.

The first time I drank Ayahuasca I was lifted up and up through the Goddess’ castle until I reached the top. I was on a bed in the middle of her golden room, exalted, and in her eyes, I could do no wrong. Eight years later, I finally realized the initial meeting with the Goddess was a mirroring of the rising energy of kundalini through the chakras. The raising up was intended to propel my being into the realm of the Goddess. I was privy to experiencing the journey of energy towards a purification that leads you to her realm.

Wow, eight years to figure it out. I was awestruck at the time. Sometimes, I wish I could figure out what I’m being shown in vision on the fly as I have a good grasp of myth and belief however I do realize the knowledge is best left for epiphany when I finally grasp the concept. The clues left for me in my day to day life are extraordinary and I always have to be on the lookout for them. I have had friends recently implore me to look more into the chakras, which allowed me to see the connections.

What it has led me towards is something I have been sitting with at night for a bit. I conduct a ritual in the evening where I combine with my shadow. We come together to form a new entity at the head of my Mesa which is the combination of consciousness and energy. I use the example of the butterfly as it drops the body of the caterpillar in order to be free and flies uninhibited through the sky. In addition, is a skull on the table which reminds me that eventually I will drop the body in the circle of life. I envision the liberation of the energetic form. This combination of consciousness and energy creating a new being that is greater than the gods, forged through the fires of incarnation. The Goddess is at the head of this construct, tempering the steel, this all-new and all-powerful form, with the magical elixir of love.

This is a game like no other. It’s off-limits to pretty much all. The fires of hell forge steel tempered by the love of the Goddess. Power is infused with the elixir of the Goddess as a check upon self-destruction. Power and liberation without love is an orgy of destruction. Love without liberation is smothering. The constrictor will suffocate the life out of you. Welcome to the party.

Another lesson - the purification of the energy in the chakra system is demonstrating how we can raise our consciousness to what would be considered holy and is the meaning of spiritual holiness. We are here on earth creating gods and the Mother is teaching us to become holy and pure, instilling within us a higher consciousness. The human project reaches its fulfillment with the dropping of the body and the release of the spirit you have cultivated. If you are looking for a purpose to life, this is a pretty good calling.

Monday, March 1, 2021

hell has a gate

It was 2017 when I turned 50 that I completed the holy climb up the mountain and discovered love is the answer. It was the fifth year of my involvement with plant medicines and I knew after that trip that I didn’t have to search anymore. I could be content with what I had discovered. I saw the unity within us all and that the elixir to make us come together is love. There was no certificate handed out denoting my enlightenment however I was aware I had the answer. At any rate, the caretakers and bestower of enlightenment frown upon the shortcut of drug use to obtain the status. It’s best to sit in meditation for a quarter century, pay obeisance to the guru, sweep up at the ashram, and hope the grace of wisdom and understanding descends upon you. See, even after all I have been through I maintain my wit and sarcasm.

The importance of completing the climb up the mountain to the light is reflected in the second phase of my journey. I had a bit of a pause but decided I wanted to continue on. I’d seen the light but onwards I set sail for adventures unbeknownst to me. Really, I decided to continue on rudderless and see where this journey would take me. I guess if I really thought about it of course I would have realized after the light once again the destination is the dark. My ship headed back into the dark. The waters were relatively calm as I headed down the river Styx towards Hades. I’m currently at the gates of hell and I know the password. I guess I’ll see you on the other side.

Become the light? Become the darkness. Becoming the light is avoidance of the darkness. The path up the mountain to become a renunciate and a holy man is the pathological outcome of all the expectations placed upon you by culture. It’s another way to reach the top of the ladder of success. Instead of the financial power game, you instead went for the spiritual game and now await the praise of your peers for your exemplary holiness. What a fucking crock. Just let it go already. Becoming the darkness allows you to turn towards the light and reconcile all. The masculine strives for the light. He is born in darkness; the darkness of the feminine. He takes the light of reason and discovery and creates this world of separate objects. He builds and subsequently destroys. The feminine is darkness. Within the cavern she births new light from the non-differentiated chaos that is her essence. She is unity and love; it is light that separates and brings an end to her clinging and longing to hold her family together. The masculine spirit wants to explore and be free.

The masculine is the proprietor of the conditions that create duality and the self. The self is created by seeing differences in the environment and our fellow sentient beings. A difference is a condition. We create reality in that we can see differences or we can choose to see it all as one connected organism. To not see conditions is to just see all as is. To act unconditionally in a world you choose to see with differences is impossible however the striving towards this game of unconditionality is a non-starter without objectification. Unconditional love is based upon duality and can only be attempted because of the power of the masculine. The relationship of the two divine powers is contentious but ultimately, they need each other.

Nobody will find the answer because no one dares to tread the spiritual path into the basement of the soul. That’s left for the insane and the marginalized. Culture does not approve. The spiritual path is not populated by those who seek liberation from culture. Instead, they culturalize spirituality. They preach unity within the bounds of accepted dogma. I understand I have to go it alone and maintain my independence. This has to always be at the forefront of my seeking. Noted American libertarian Henry David Thoreau said, “Wherever you may seek solitude, men will ferret you out and compel you to belong to their desperate company of odd fellows.” These others desperately want you to join their enterprise in order to justify its existence. It’s a narrow path to walk in order to maintain autonomy over one’s spiritual path yet gain support in the way of friends. Life is tough without it. Recent events and the disappointment inherent in humanity has emboldened my thinking and resolve. I can count on myself, my inner guides, and as Ringo so eloquently states in Sergeant Pepper’s: “A little help from my friends."