You will never figure it out. There is some truth to that statement. Into this game has been baked uncertainty in that despite all the signs pointing you towards the answer to this vexing problem called life there will always be some doubt. The doubt keeps you on the hamster wheel consuming self-help and trying to level up, better yourself, or become super holy. Instructive is your everyday life where nothing is a given. You observe and input information into your sphere of knowledge. You acquire knowledge of the situation. You ask others for their opinions and advice. Finally, you act. For some, this step becomes resolute and defines their truth. Others are not so sure and may waffle in their decision.
It's a good summation of our human condition. We are never 100% sure in our decisions but have learned it is best to point our sails in the direction we choose and invest ourselves in the path ahead. Sometimes we get lucky, and the choice is obvious and there is a high confidence that we know the truth. Our decisions made in low confidence or doubt have a high probability of backfiring or leading us on to the road to perdition. Such is life and such a statement is pithy. Life is one big bucket of uncertainty.
That's my introduction. I have been involved with plant medicines for ten years. My ridiculous story is that I went looking for answers to life when I hit middle age. I started on a path where I wanted to find out the origins of beliefs. I wanted answers to why humans throughout our history believed in higher powers. My life had demonstrated that whatever I put my fabulous gift of a mind towards, I could figure it out. So, with conceit and hubris, I set out on a path of discovery that would lead me to where I am today. Where am I? I sit here fifteen years later with high confidence that not only have I solved the original question I posed to the ether, but I have the answers to life.
That's quite the bold statement. Most are content not knowing and like being a seeker. It is a blast to go on pilgrimages, take psyche-splitting concoctions, discuss the myriad of possibilities with others, and get lost in the mystery. In my case when the signs pointed towards the answers sought then it became time to take stock of the situation. This is what I went looking for and I have found it. I am awake and see the game as constructed. It reveals itself to me and I gaze at it in amazement, sometimes not wanting to acknowledge what I have done. The clues are undeniable. They are nonsensical to others and to try and explain them would give permission to declare I was deluded and insane. I will admit I am enchanted yes, but insane no.
This was a big takeaway for me on my recent plant medicine journey in Peru. I was constantly reminded that I had the answers I was looking for and I saw how the game unfolds. The magic I was witness to; it's a spell that keeps us asleep and the magician was given permission to do so by the enchanted. This is what we wanted. I broke the spell and I saw it. It is extremely uncomfortable however I know this is what I wanted. I wanted to have an adventure. I wanted to get lost and not know. I placed within the game the antidote so that when ready I'd find it, wake up, and then transform the adventure into a fantabulous fairy tale. I'd do this knowing I know but keeping it a secret. They don't know I know. They don't know I'm pretending I don't know. So, you're probably wondering who are they? Oh. Um. Well, you see I know who they are, but I can't tell you. It's not allowed. I can tell you they have magic spells which are designed to keep God asleep. Fuck me, that sounds really nuts!
If my story sounds insane yet the arc of my life is demonstrably sane, then it is with high confidence I have the answer to the riddle of life. The kicker is it's my answer, not yours.
It was the use of psychedelics which cracked the eggshell. The membrane was still intact for a bit but eventually it peeled away and thus exposed was my consciousness to the ideas coming forth under substances that altered your vibration. What am I talking about? Oh, this is also going to sound insane but it's what is. This whole universe is a dream, my dream, and each and every one of you are mental projections of me. That's why you all are not whole and suffer from some mental illness. I'm perfectly sane and suffer no mental impairment. Honestly, I don't. I'm firmly entrenched in the knowing I'm good to go.
Not only that, but the whole backstory of this dream was created by yours truly to mask the dream. In addition, all the finishing touches on this vast enterprise were done to fool me into thinking this is all real. I am the architect of the conspiracy designed to trick me. I kept it hidden and off-limits to myself as long as I could, though within the original structure as devised I left clues and agents of consciousness to help me figure out the game when I was ready.
I waited half my life before trying to figure out the riddle of this puzzling existence. Now, fifteen years later after a seventh trip to Peru, and drinking loco fuerte Huachuma every other day for two weeks, I certainly broke through the veil. The sleeping giant awoke and saw the projection of self in others. The game came unglued, and I saw the man behind the curtain and that man was me. My fellow journeyers all became mental specters of myself and at the time though I noticed it, I thought it was localized to the group. Upon returning home and gradually coming down from the experience, I understood it applies to everything in my world. Imagine being me and telling someone this. I see how they look at me. They give you a strange look and wonder about you. I know, I've tried. I'll try and keep quiet around the psychologists.
This is my world and a reflection of who I am. There's some good and a lot of bad. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I'm not a misogynist, but aspects of me present in this world are. There's much of it and why? I'd like to think this exercise involves purification of what has sullied my essence and that I have done the work of incarnation as a gift to my eternal flame, the Great Goddess. So, if this is my dream, who is she? Well, part of what I have discovered is within the all are the two and both concepts are true depending upon perspective. In other words, the great vibration which contains within the divine feminine and masculine. The vibration can't exist without the two and the sum total is the all. The vibration is the child of the two. It's desire. It's Eros. Goddess and God are what is, and we are all desire derivatives of them, cycles cascading down into the world of form allowing us to have this adventure. Within me are the two and I have come forth as masculine. The feminine has come forth independent of me and thus a co-creator and co-conspirator of this world. We are separate but are one. I knew of her and followed her song until I found her.
Of course, I now know about magic and can use it to alter my dream. It's my dream. I can make anything happen. Do I want that? No, I like adventure. I'm good with it being my game-board that I designed but I want to play the game with honour. I want to play the game as intended and see what happens at the end. I got into my fifties before I figured out the game and now with the answer as sought, I can smile along with the ups and downs of this crazy dream, pretending I'm none the wiser.
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