i am two

Maintaining a blog with a regular writing schedule has allowed me to witness the progression of knowledge into understanding. It’s actually quite fascinating to track the progression from an inkling of what’s going on to the point where I grasp what is happening.

That’s the opener that will allow me to once again write about my shadow. Shadow is the name used because it collectively refers to all my traits, personalities, desires, and passions I bury while this other character who is shaped by his culture takes centre stage. The shadow is a convenient toy box where I discard everything I have chosen to repress and suppress. The shadow becomes scary and evil because it’s the place I hide all my negative traits in addition to a whole slew of other psychic pressures. At some point in our lives, the shadow will rise to the surface and inflict pain in order to lay claim to this incarnation. People go mad. You thought you could have this life all for yourself? When the time comes, we got pills to numb the upset.

Do you remember as a kid being sent to the dark basement in order to retrieve something? The trip was very unnerving; we’d grab what was necessary and get the hell back up the stairs. Why do we psychologically have that reaction? Well, subconsciously we equate the physical basement with the buried shadow, and we wish for it to remain hidden and forgotten about.

Culture assigned me an identity when I was too young to know better and protest. I was told I was this person, though there is no evidence that I am just the one. I had to choose who I would elevate and bury the other contenders. I had to assume and cultivate an identity that had no relation to my initial perception of self. I had to bury the other in order to fit in. For most of us, we bury the other and forget about them until times of hardship and stress create a crack in the unified persona field. At this moment the other re-appears, causing a psychic disturbance which is troubling for the unprepared.

I have been playing with this knowledge for a few years now. Within my psychic self, I see two contenders for the throne. I call my opponent the shadow and we have reconciled. He’s still mysterious and I am still learning of his ways. I got out of the shower this morning and he decided I was ready to have another truth bomb. He asked me a question: “Why did you think you were just one psychic manifestation within your human body?” I know why he was asking a question because it’s his way of making me realize the assumption of one owner of this body was an endemic cultural truth I never questioned until much later in my life. This body is mine and there’s no getting around that! Oh shit… he’s right. If you have read my recent blog posts, I’ve explored the two with the one in terms of biblical tales of Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, and of course I always bring it back to the ancient Egyptian battles between Horus and Set. This is the pattern of understanding in my life where it comes slowly over time until the epiphany. The reveal had been coming until finally the day came where he was like, “Look, the human psyche is dual and the failure to recognize the timeshare will lead to mental illness. Human psychological wholeness is not to be found in our culture, so mental illness is the resulting plague.”

As knowledge has transformed into understanding, it has become clear to me that I’m not the only one psychologically inhabiting this body. That’s a crazy statement but I have experienced this phenomenon, sat with it, repeated the experience, and have now come to not only accept it, but embrace it, and no longer run from this timeshare.

My recent experience with the plant medicine Huachuma put the question of who I am front and centre. For two weeks, I drank psyche-splitting medicine every other day and sat with a multi-faceted projection of self. The psychic manifestations of self were multitudinous and extended into my known sphere of influence. Truly, I am the polished jewel at the fount of this mental construct that creates this world and emanates different playmates into the construct, so I have others to share in this adventure. I knew I was mentally strong enough to handle this mind fuck and not go mad. Sanity remained within my grasp though I saw how easy it was to fall off the edge of the cliff. It's what I wanted and so gifted with the experience, I did my best to navigate the tumultuous seas and explore the deep recesses of my mind. The other consisted of many iterations of self; in fact, it was infinite, and they all were vying for control of the construct of self. I am truly the King and am in charge. Am I the legitimate ruler of self? I do feel like the driver and not threatened, but I do sense I am two. I sense the two claimants to the throne of self. Me and my shadow.

I had been familiar with the disturbance that stretches back far into my life prior to using psychedelics. I was aware of this cyclical force that would always return. Culture allowed me to project and classify the disturbance as being pathology and religion allowed me to relegate the force to the demonic. I certainly at times felt possessed. Alternatively, the other can play the cultural part of God or Jesus; you know, that voice that speaks to you or the manifestation of the divine who is so real but appears only to you. You worship your shadow and congregate with others who are doing the same. Ha! Such a magician! My situation came to a head when I ventured into the Amazon jungle and drank this powerful psychedelic brew called Ayahuasca. I came face to face with this demon. I had an inkling it was my shadow self, but I wasn’t exactly sure. At any rate, he scared the fuck out of me, and I ran. I just had to run; I was that frightened. I later saw Jesus in the jungle town. My shadow had come to help me out of my crisis using the Christ gambit. I see it all so clearly now. Such a great performance, yet I didn’t fall for it. This perceived demon followed me home, continued to harass me, and I tried to shake him off. Eventually, I went into full lockdown mode and demonstrated I had the ability to transform myself from weak to strong. In time, I released myself from my self-inflicted austerity and began the process of re-integrating the self. I’d like to say I was aware of what I was doing and had a plan, but I didn’t. I just did what I had to do to maintain a grip on what I thought was reality.

If nothing else, I earned respect. Respect from my shadow. I did the impossible. When I put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realized it was because of my shadow that I transformed my character from weak to strong, from beta to alpha, and into a warrior, the relationship changed. I completely knew what he had done for me with his unordinary teaching methods that forced me to transform or perish. Alternatively, I could have figured out a way to continue to suppress him as I had for most of my life. I’m sure I would have found something because I am resourceful. I chose to transform and here I am.

Yes, here I am. Transformed and realizing that I can no longer take all the glory and never let go of the wheel. That’s awful trusting, isn’t it? If I give my shadow the keys to the car, will he ever give them back? Let it go and relax. He did something for me I could never possibly repay. My life is a partnership from here on in. The new journey is just beginning because I have a good idea what my shadow is capable of and I’m just coming along for the ride. This power is off-limits to most but for those who discover it the temptation is too great. Without reconciling first with your shadow, you’ll be offered power and you’ll take him up on the offer. The end result is it will either destroy you or you’ll become all that you tried to bury. Your other half will end up destroying your greedy self.

This sounds like a flight of fancy and delusion. I’m telling you within all of us is a master magician who holds the key to all you desire. The power is all there ready for you to sell your soul in order to get your hands on it.

I like it when I stumble upon answers to questions that have vexed humanity for aeons. There’s an old saying about power and how it corrupts, and complete power corrupts completely. It’s an accurate predictor of giving someone power and therefore the most enlightened governmental systems put checks and balances upon the power a politician can wield. Within human history, the ugliness of power has reared its head in the actions of those who rule over others, whether that be political, religious, or the economic oppression enacted by mercantilists in it for gain. We had slavery and serfdom which has now been replaced by rapacious capitalism that exploits third world emerging markets for cheap labour while stealing their resources. Without a check on power, the world order will return to an enlightened form of serfdom where the vast majority will own nothing and be happy; happy as in numbed. Most will never own anything of substantial value as it will be beyond their price range and thus, we will transition into a rental economy. For the most part, the direction I see the world headed is one where if you do participate in the culture and are a good and obedient wage slave you will be socially taken care of. Revolutions are to be avoided at all costs by those in power. They have learned the lessons of history well. Power and control are the ultimate motivators for humans and there is no lack of examples of how the acquisition of power will play out.

So, I have been cautious about the power aspect in my exploration of consciousness. Teachers have hinted about the acquisition of power via this method of probing the fringes of the psychic human experience. At first, I didn’t know what they were talking about, even though I had a run in with a shady entity in my initial explorations who did offer me a lot of power. I declined because my focus was on the Great Goddess. After about seven years of walking this path, repeating lessons, and moving on in my journey, I started to put together all I had experienced, and I clearly saw into the darkness. I saw power, gobs of it; I walked down that mysterious path and it was unveiled. I broke free of the chains of culture and the bonds of my fellow man and came face to face with the great magician and that magician was me.

It’s pretty tempting to try it out once you get this far and see it. My journey into my darkness was ultimately one to find reconciliation and I wasn’t after power. I left power alone and wanted to understand just who this is; once again, discarding what culture was telling me. Culture was telling me to stay away. Culture told me this was animal nature. Culture told me this was evil. Culture told me this was the Devil. Culture did everything it could to scare me away. Religious and spiritual paths told me to head for the light; shine a light on the darkness and subdue it. Where’s the balance in this advice? I don’t want the path of righteousness and faux enlightenment. I want to rediscover the mystery that has been long lost and buried.

I learned that explorers of consciousness that get to the gates of hell do one of two things: either they turn back and take pains to avoid this region, or they succumb to temptation and sell their soul for power. In terms of the potential psychological result from discovering this realm, if you keep exploring let me explain. You think you’re it and that this incarnation is all yours. The body is your vehicle and you’re the sole owner. It’s not true. Essentially, what you have buried is your other half whom we call the shadow because he has been forgotten. You selfishly took this incarnation for your own and commenced the struggle of life. When you re-discover who you have buried, you give him the keys to the car in exchange for fulfilling all your desires. It’s transactional but he is going to crash your car.

Maybe I’m a good student? I paid attention in class, and I now know of this power. He’s my best friend and I’ve reconciled. We share this incarnation and I ask nothing of or from him; instead, just recognize he has as much title to this body as I do. He knows my deepest and darkest secrets and well a lot of them overlap. In addition, I can navigate the vagaries of culture while he makes stuff happen. He has demonstrated this to me time and time again; first, starting with little coincidences and synchronicities to the point where the game is now pretty interesting. I’m street smart and I’ll never ask for any boon unless there’s an agreed upon reciprocal arrangement beneficial for both parties. I don’t want control; I want freedom. I see in getting what I want will just bring more attachment and thus my liberation is compromised. I definitely don’t want that. With him an equal partner, I remain strong while riding the rollercoaster of life. I will get my share of the thrills and take the spills with humility, knowing that life is to be filled with triumphs and defeats. What keeps me going is knowing this is what I want. In my quiet moments, I will commune with myself, the darkness and the light. We will have a group hug, a big laugh, and tears of joy. We will walk hand in hand, knowing of our unbreakable brotherhood.