cycles of consciousness

I notice how my everyday consciousness drifts in and out of the good and bad boy self. One moment I want to be of service for the good of all and the next I want to fulfill the latest desire that has come my way. This had been a lifelong struggle and the reason for the difficulty is the failure to accept my two natures. I put forth my good self in life and my interactions with others. When I escape from that existence then I can reconnect with what I have buried. I sometimes get my fill of that guy and then can continue with the charade. When I can get out in the woods all alone, I find peace. The peace is not having to pretend I'm this person or having to satiate the demands of my shadow. I just am.

I know about the need for balance and do realize it's what we all seek in order to find that elusive peace in this lifetime before death comes to our door and we are forced to rest in peace. Such an apt description we have of the dead. The struggle is over, and they can finally get some rest. Ha ha. I have been looking for answers and the answer led me back to vibration. The world is made of these cycles of vibration and thus if we look hard enough, we will see our dual nature and how consciousness fluctuates between the two peaks of the vibrational cycle. Because we are deluded into believing we are insignificant, we buy into the idea that we aren't all that special. If the split in the essence of self is discovered, it can be fun to play with if at first you don't succumb to madness when you realize by medical standards you are mentally ill. I think I'm okay; I mean I can function fine in culture even knowing that the other half of me isn't buried anymore. That's the essence of psychological treatments and medicines, right? They are designed to dull the mind and hypnotize you back into thinking you are just little old you. Then you can get through life with less upset. So, I'm way past that and see through culture. I can feel the hypnotic hold of culture and the efforts of society at large to assimilate me and make me a puppet of the established order. My contrarian nature always shielded me from believing the drivel coming out of the mainstream and then psychedelics emboldened me to find my own path away from the stultifying effects of the herd.

Okay, so I know of the two and the kicker is when I went to Peru last January and really did a number on my psyche. I got to the point where I would fluctuate between little old me with my own set of problems and becoming the all. But the god I became had the same set of vibrational cycles ruling his world. I'd leave Paul and become God. Then God would alternate between good God and bad God. God and the Devil. It seemed they were the same. The effects were so pronounced at this energetic hotspot called Chavín de Huantar that I'd slip into God consciousness, see the future about to unfold, and then find myself back in my limited consciousness trying to make heads or tails of the situation while the plant medicine Huachuma was coursing through my veins. At the same time, I'd see the Goddess and then she would become all too human. Then back to Goddess mode. Back and forth. That day was the biggest mind fuck I had ever experienced where in God mode I could see it all and then it would throw me back down into human mode and I'd get uneasy about what I just saw. Huachuma potentiates the changing of cycles, and you weave in and out of different states of being. The last ceremony I tried my hardest to stay in the higher consciousness mode but eventually I came down. It's the demands of this human body that sends out the reminder.

It must be this way. At the time I had no idea what was going on. I just tried to stay with it while realizing I'd bitten off a big chunk of consciousness and a weaker me would run for the hills. Instead, I focused on remaining whole while cycling through modes of consciousness. After coming back home I just let it be for a few months until now when I have been revisiting and reliving the experiences. I'm starting to mine them for the alchemical gold, and it is rewarding me. I've discovered the magic of setting an intention and asking for answers. My psychic self wants me to get the answers, so all I have to do is ask. I like to think I have stumbled on my purpose and unlocked the potential within to fulfill what it is I came to this place for. Now that I walk the path with blinders off, whatever it is I want I get the opportunity to experience.

I forget who I am all the time. I get down and worry about the future. I vacillate between good boy/bad boy. Now, I also head upwards, become God, and see the light and the dark in this mode of consciousness as well. I become a beneficent King and then a mischievous demon weaving magic spells to keep the drama interesting. Soon, I am back to my insignificant self, wondering if things are going to work out. I was just omnipotent and now I am asleep again riding this wave until the next tsunami hits and takes me back to the all.

You must choose. Am I going to be poor little me who doesn't know the definitive answers to anything or am I going to accept who I am and that I know everything? Who am I going to finally become? Along the same lines you can see how intuition works where there's a part of you that knows everything, and you just constantly deny it. A byproduct of the denial are these little rumblings that come up telling you what you want to know or showing the truth and you confuse it with what the projection of your small self wants it to be. Then there is a conflict between what you know and what you are thinking you might know. This invokes uncertainty, a little paranoia, and then it all turns to shit.