consequential game of chance

It's ridiculously obvious for me to say life is about making choices. We are constantly presented with scenarios where we must decide and at times these choices can be seriously life-altering. When faced with hard choices my default go to is to let others make the decision for me if it is to cause major waves. I've boiled this behaviour down to a psychological trick I've used my whole life that I stumbled onto early in my youth. I realized at some point that if I became a people pleaser and did what others wanted of me, I would get far in life and be able to convert it into capital which I could use to get what I wanted. It boils down to this: I can manipulate others to my advantage if I give them what they want out of me. It's transactional, and so far in life it has worked.

The hard part is when you hit a fork in the road in which no matter what you do to please, it is going to cause the other party to be upset or suffer. I have landed on that doorstep a few times in my life. Your reputation and life-long process of looking like a superior mortal in their eyes is to come crashing down. You can only hide for so long. Living with someone will reveal the other side, it's hard to keep that concealed. The game is a central part of the identity you build in your human career. I've played the game long enough to also see the result of inaction. If you don't choose, the choice will be made for you, and you will be stuck with the consequences. When others make the decision, you spare yourself the label of bad guy and the subsequent Karma. I've seen it play out before and the disappointment I have been able to move on from after compartmentalizing the hurt. Eventually, the time would come when I'm not sure I could get over the loss of something I wanted, had, and then lost because I couldn't be true to myself, make a personal choice, and deal with the fall-out.

I’ve noticed I can get what I want, but then a new set of variables is unleashed. I want this. I get it, and then come the unintended consequences. What is the better play of the two? To just let things be as they are? You also don't know the future of that action. We are always desiring and chasing what we want. The difference for the wizard is they get what what they want. We are all in the same boat; some can fulfill their desires while others are left on shore with desires unfulfilled. Outcomes are always going to be a wild card.

My desire is to eat healthy. The consequences are I live longer and consume more resources, taking away from the less fortunate. The effect on the scale of plenty is negligible but imagine a bunch of First World inhabitants such as us all desiring this. The effect is pronounced and for every gain is a loss. Who suffers? The poor. They go even more without the necessities. I'm trying to illustrate all actions have consequences. Nothing is exempt from this and though I have noticed acquiring power and getting what I want leaves a wake of unintended consequences, there were always going to be consequences to not getting what I wanted. We are in a consequential game of chance.

Life is full of constant challenges. If I mapped out an adventure to have, called life, surely, I'd want to eventually experience crossroads. I love the challenge that is presented to me. I don't love having to let go of the people pleasing default mode and see my identity and reputation get kicked to the curb. Deep down I know all is reconciled and you can only ride that edge for so long. Eventually, the spark to ignite a fuse would present itself and one time I wouldn't blow it out or allow it to flame out. Let's see what happens when it burns. The detonation I have avoided and, in this adventure, maybe it should blow and then I can take notes.

We all know Medusa, or else we wouldn't be here. We are good at not looking her in the eyes like we were told. In my contrarian life, of course the time would come when I'd seek her out and stare into her eyes. What secret is being kept from me? Tantra teaches the way out of your predicament is to head straight into the storm and go through the eye of the hurricane. If I were going to lead by example and show you the way, what would be my method? I'd use the stone to find freedom. Embrace it. I would plunge headfirst into the abyss and break through to the other side because I'm the stone. I would subconsciously demonstrate the way out of your prison cell once you have been released from your sentence. The jailer exclaims, "You can go," and yet we hang around and decide to become of service in the prison. Somebody must remind us that it's okay to leave prison. Turn me to stone and I'll use the solid rock to smash the four walls that imprison me.

Earth is a finishing school for wayward spirits and the best teachers of our purification are dead. They are telling us it's okay to leave when you get the message. We cling to our prison cells, embracing the comfort that comes from knowing this is your reality, while denying you fear the unknown. The spiritual teacher still with us is subject to the flesh, so we can use this against them. We can examine their life and find a reason they aren't ultra-holy. This way we can avoid the difficult path ahead which we face. They couldn’t do it, so why should I be any different?

If you figure out the game and are free to leave, would you? It's a choice. Duality presents choices. You can stay and be of service. A teacher. Someone who wakes others up. Wouldn't you want to balance that out? Why play the holy card all the time? If you knew the secret, wouldn't you want to play? Why the hurry to leave? Is there a time limit? I don't think so. I have examples to look towards. My friend Parker left because what he was chasing had already left. I have balanced the equation. Some of my friends have left and are waiting for me. I still feel the pull of this incarnation. If life gets you down, find purpose. That's the key. When you no longer feel wanted or needed in this world then the scales tip and you can jump with conviction.

You can also leave to escape the coming retribution and trashing of your reputation. It's still going to happen, and the coward runs from it. It's a game, and I'm proud of my fifty-six years. Fuck man, I have juggled this one like a pro. I haven't dropped the ball yet and I keep making it harder. If I believe in myself, I'll make it a great story.

The reveal of my character is freeing. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bury my nature in the depths no more. Kill yourself in order to live, indeed.

pure and holy

What is the meaning of becoming pure and holy? Because of my cultural upbringing, I envision this state as being embodied by one who has transcended all worldly desires. A holy man is a renunciate and an ascetic. Basically, you self-hypnotize in order that the siren calls of the flesh are bypassed. If the adoration of the masses for your beatitude isn’t fulfilling, at least you know that you have a modicum of control over your degenerate self and can run out the clock on this human experiment. You’ll get your reward later.

That’s a pretty crass take on the spiritual path and its propensity for creating hypocrites. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with my own multiple failures? I’m guilty; hell, I still have desires that rise from my depths. What to make of them? That’s a tough one to sit with because I do tend to think they are not rational however they sure do make me feel alive. Suppressing them because of cultural constraints or because of the expectations directed towards one walking a spiritual path seems to go against what I preach. What do I preach? Liberation. Break free of others and their hang-ups they are putting upon you. They are in the same boat but through projection and transference they escape and create an aura around themselves that is impenetrable. You pay the price for the guilt trip they lay upon you. Bad vibes, man.

Being brutally honest is a great exercise. I say give it a try. I walk this path and the signs keep reminding me to be of service. It’s for the good of all and I made a promise to this effect. How much is enough? Really, I’m asking. I can generate wealth and I share it among family members. I’m the rock that keeps that construct rolling. Without me it falls apart. I give without much complaint though I reserve the right to occasionally grumble. I house a pet dog who really has no monetary value and instead I perpetuate her good life through unselfishly giving up my time and wealth to give her comfort. I once thought I was selfish because I’m not 100% of service. There are many paths of service. I think a good rule of thumb is to try and not be an asshole. Our natural tendency to help then blossoms. It’s true - people love to help. Even the stranger stuck on the highway with a broken-down vehicle will have a Good Samaritan stop to help. It’s funny when you look at your life and realize the great sacrifices you have already made for many others. Perhaps a kind word here or there now that you’re an elder will suffice. Sometimes, that is all someone needs for their flower to blossom.

Anyway, what the hell am I getting at in this observational piece? It has to do with becoming pure and holy. I think I have some kind of answer. The answer is to chase and fulfill your desires. Fill your plate full of shrimp at the buffet and gorge on them until you puke. This a method that works because desires come and go like the addiction to the song that is playing in your head. Eventually you tire of it. For sure, you then move on to the next addiction. I understand that’s what we do. Can you see why now that we repeatedly incarnate? The desire is too strong, and we haven’t fulfilled all that tempts us to return. That’s why I’m wary of walking the holy man route. They are going to come back, and the pulse of desire will be even stronger. I say becoming holy and pure is achieved through desire fulfillment. The path I walk is a path of power; well, the paths all lead to power, however one direction results in you using it for gain and fulfilling all your worldly desires. It’s quite the siren call when you see it. A deal with the devil and a surrendering of autonomy will result in your shadow putting you on the path towards self-glorification and acquiring great gobs of power. Imagine given that opportunity! The other path leads toward you becoming power. It’s a longer climb and the road is sometimes foggy. But you are free, and this freedom becomes power. There’s no need to use this power to fulfill desires. Power is no longer a commodity to be used; instead, you are power; you are it.

Knowing you are it leads to another important concept to grasp on the meandering trail. It involves stopping the consuming of self-help and step into your power. There are many kiosks and road-stands set up for you as you walk the spiritual path. For the most part, they contribute to the knowledge base which is very valuable; however, they don’t have the answer and ultimately, they are biased towards their path. The problem is you aren’t walking their path. You’re walking yours. Having a belief in someone else’s beliefs isn’t going to do you a lick of good. What it is you seek is your truth. Your truth is as unique as each falling snowflake. The only way to get to it is to look within yourself and from your perspective you will get the answer. You may not like it, but the destination reveals the truth. The obstacles placed in your path, sometimes in the form of religion, force you to liberate yourself through whatever means necessary. Without this freedom, you never arrive at your truth.

Being pure refers to power lit up by desire; desire being a raging fire that has burned off the dross in the furnace of hell. Power becomes the calm lake at dawn before the events of the day stir up the waves. So peaceful and pure. Being holy is the gift of love from the Goddess. Love tempers power and thus why I walk the pure and holy path to that power.

mother's day

Knowledge combined with clarity is a hallmark of establishing a relationship with tobacco. The latest download occurred on a sunny spring day as I was out in the woods smoking while sitting on a log. I noticed a tree which had fallen years ago and was now completing the rotting phase and becoming more ground fodder. Any trace of the life force energy had left the husk and the log was disintegrating. I stared at the wonder of this process for a while and then started to process the knowledge by applying it to the masculine energetic life force and my own body.

What struck me was the overwhelming evidence of a purification process. The process of the husk of the log falling away into dirt as the energy vacated the form seemed to be revealing a process of energetic purification in this world of form. The earth is a special place in the universe, one of the pit stops on the circuit for energy to become trapped; dare I say imprisoned. The cyclical forces and gravitational pull enacted by the unifying magnetic pull of feminine desire uses the masculine life force against himself by creating the maelstrom of pull which entraps the energy in form. The subsequent striving to be free then creates the natural state where the biological form will eventually fall apart and release the life force in due time. The remnant of form is the dross which falls away after the process of purification. The remaining putrefaction of the life form is recycled to create the habitation for subsequent journeys into the realm of form. The imprisonment into form of the life force is a cleansing process which is burning away desires and leading to a pure and holy state. The ancient meaning of purity is more in line with the state of stillness and clarity as opposed to the definition of morality we have attached to the word.

The ancient semitic word qodesh is the name given to this state of masculine purity.  Strong's Concordance reveals the following meaning:

Strong's #6944: qodesh (pronounced ko'-desh)

from 6942; a sacred place or thing; rarely abstract, sanctity:--consecrated (thing), dedicated (thing), hallowed (thing), holiness, (most) holy (day, portion, thing), saint, sanctuary.

The concept is describing the sacred; a state of purity or a sanctuary which would house the holy. The act of qodesh is to clean and purify. The related derivative Qudshu is the appellation for the Canaanite goddesses Asherah and Athirat and such a goddess is found in the annals of dynastic ancient Egypt. She has a striking appearance that is similar to the ancient Egyptian Great Goddess Hathor. Academic disciplines uncover the knowledge of the goddess and the sacred; however, it is up to the individual who walks the path of the heart to find the true meaning of the concept of qodesh.

The rotted-out tree log on the floor of the forest points me towards the esoteric meaning of purity. The Great Goddess creates the form, and this form is our body which is a holy sanctuary. The sacred vessel receives the masculine spirit thus enlivening the form. Becoming consecrated with the holy form of the Goddess is the most sacred act one can perform. Through this process of successive incarnations, the spirit becomes purified and can indeed walk the path of the heart, the holy path of the Great Goddess.

As I have previously written about, the exalted city of Jerusalem is this veiled Goddess and represents the purity of the heart found in the Garden of Eden. The most common Arabic name for Jerusalem is al-Quds, referring to the most sacred of temples. Humanity sullies the city and makes it unclean, thus rousing the anger of Yahweh who successively destroys the city throughout history in a cleansing fire of purification. Within each of us is the ability to return to the Garden of Eden; a magical place only accessed through the heart. It is hidden and to find the path takes much faith in the power of love.

Successive incarnations into the hot fire of mortality burns away the dross and purifies us to the holy state which will allow us to see the path of the heart and set out on the journey back home. The transformed hero has become a warrior at the hands of his demanding father and returns to the loving arms of his heart. My heart is my mother.