all the world's a stage

My default conception of time is that it moves forward. I live my life by constantly reaching into the future. It is logical and I'm steered to do that by my senses. My main senses create logic and reason. My less developed senses such as intuition and déjà vu point towards other modalities of perceiving time. What if time could also move backwards? What if it does? What if there is a constant flow of time going forwards and backwards which creates what we call now?

The impetus for this thinking is my belief that God is a writer. He writes creation into existence in a book. The screenplay of the book is then acted out. Thinking about this, it would be understood the book has already been written or at least the development of the story takes place before the actors' act. So, the distant and unknowable God exists in the future with his screenplay, and he sends his Word to us. It's ingenious and funny.

I like to think about Cupid, Eros, and lust. These are all names I give to desire, and this helps me to illustrate my point. The child of a union is this desire which compels a couple to come together and create life. Eros exists in the future. Think about desire in your life: It is something you want. You don't have it yet, but you make a pact with the future. The future is then made manifest, and this is desire coming into being.

The future flows into the past and the past flows into the future. The revelation of the future can rewrite the past while the past flowing into the future unveils the story. Creation is the domain of the Goddess and is where the past and the future are reconciled. Life comes into being in the now, which is the stage of life.

It's simple. God writes the story, Goddess creates the stage and life, and the actors are the music of creation, performing the dance of life.

psychosis

The mind enables magic. It's the alteration of consciousness which unlocks the occult. The result also means you start acting a little off and talking about strange occurrences as well as having weird thoughts. Others start to whisper and then eventually tell you about the appearance of you having gone mad. You must pause at this moment and either accept it or see it for what it is. The important thing is you can question it.

If you can do this, you're not crazy. Others project this mental state onto you in order to make sense of their world. Your world is uniquely your world. Don't let them get into your head because their intention is to control you through this manipulation. When you call them out on this, they get defensive and try to blame you. Trust your intuition at this point. Record your thoughts so that when it all plays out you have a record of it and hold the receipts. This is important because you will forget about what your inner compass warned you about. The rose coloured glasses are pretty thick, so you only get glimpses of what is going down.

The diagnosis of a mental condition strikes me as a Catch-22. By Catch-22 I am referencing a situation where regardless of what you do, you will be in the wrong, have a negative outcome, or your views/understanding will not be valid. I came across how pernicious the Catch-22 is during some mandatory training I had to participate in. For most, they don't realize what's going on but, in my case, where I question everything, I thought the training was ingenious, yet I saw the deceit, so I just laughed at it, went along with it, and then developed contempt for these people.

If you show signs of psychosis or just that you are a little off, everyone in society accepts that you are in a state of non-reality and can dismiss you as crazy. The acceptance that if you do not agree with the canons of consensus reality you are nuts is so pervasive that it is not questioned. The weak mind says that if people think I'm crazy, I must be crazy.

If you know the rate at which you are vibrating determines your reality, then of course you will question the mainstream consensus. You get the conspiracy theorist label and a cultural strike against you. There's a lot at stake to convince you this is reality, in essence it's your imprisonment and you dutifully go along with it. Breaking mentally free of these chains puts you in opposition to everyone else. You must trust yourself, not the shouting masses and their labelling. It's exceedingly difficult and will further your confusion until you just want it to stop, take a pill to numb the upset, and go back to being a good drone in a sick society. With the gift of hindsight, I can see my intuition and understanding have been correct which further encourages me to trust my inner guides.

I'm very clever and a devout non-conforming contrarian so when I experienced psychosis it was a gift. I remember it well because it was when I first drank plant medicine in 2013. The break from reality scared me. Outside of the ceremony I was hearing things, seeing things, and confused. Once my mind recovered, I was able to face the fear again and start to explore. I've done it a bunch of times.

So, I can read about mental conditions being the result of overloading the brain and the brain producing non-ordinary states to try and make sense of the stimulus and condition. Or you have just tapped into another reality and the weight of culture is telling you that you are crazy. When you hold culture in contempt eventually you'll get past this block and be able to explore. I can go into and out of these realities with ease. You can call me psychotic as I tell stories of these adventures. For someone who is crazy, I sure am highly functioning and can hide it well. Or you can see that crazy is just a convenient label used to dismiss others you don't understand and don't want to understand. I'm going to upset your world and if you don't accept alternate realities you will cling to a society that is fundamentally sick and will imprison you for the rest of your life. The rumblings to escape will come and go, but you will run away when they do.

There are a lot of pills to numb you. As you drift away from the frequency that locks you into this hell world you are prescribed something that maintains your rate of vibration. I just want to fit in and be normal. Why not accept the gift of clairvoyance you have been given? Break free of the chains and give the jailer the middle finger. Be the joker in a world of obedient slaves. 

inner truth

Religion is the objectification of spirituality. It is making the esoteric exoteric, by projecting out from your inner life the inner sanctum which is unique to your story. Every conscious being is responsible for creating a universe. My world is different than yours, and we agree on what we witness through language and definition. The energetic impulse from the dreamer crosses each avatar's boundary. We can interact within each other's dream and create a new dream, called offspring, by merging into one and reproducing.

Our inner lives are similar in experience, much like the outer life. The concepts of love, light, the divine feminine and masculine are common to all because they are what we are. Also similar are the experiences of the darkness and demons which seek to control our behaviour. Because of the overlap, the ability to create a religion, name the cast of characters, and ascribe attributes to them based upon cultural norms and expectations, becomes an exercise that is highly probable to succeed. Human beings are given validation of what it is we all intuit.

Where we get lost is in the ceding of our inner truth to an authority which expects us to conform to a canon of acceptable beliefs. This is because my truth is different from yours. My location on the spiritual path is at a different point in the journey from yours. My life lesson plan is different from yours. We have divergent karma and to feed everyone from the same bowl is not fulfilling the potential of each incarnation. We seek answers and often don't know where to turn, so we look towards the spiritual authorities in culture. The hard part is turning inwards to find the answers you seek. You hold all the answers and if you ask, you will unveil them to yourself.

The role of belief in the game is paramount, but it is not belief in an external projection. The belief is in yourself. I'm telling you that only you know why you are here and within you have the answers to what it is you are looking for. As hard as it may be, you are responsible for your spiritual progress. The true teacher of the path will direct you to go inwards, that is all. Though you will find the answer within, it doesn't mean you are left to a life of isolation. Find the others on the path and celebrate the uniqueness of the journey you are all on together.

I am intimately aware and acquainted with my inner spiritual world. At first, it was all new and fantastic, so I externalized these characters. This has the consequence of inculcating fear. After you exhaust that trip and either run from yourself or stand up to yourself, you reach the turning point. You are either defeated or become a first-class warrior. The warrior gets past the fear and starts to explore which reveals the truth. It's all you.

Religions are containers for spiritual truths. They bring the mystery to life and as humans we take the knowledge and shape it in order to get an advantage over the easily led sheep. At the core is found what it is we seek. It's up to you to use your wisdom to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Other people's fantastical consciousness journey stories are a trap. They wow you with embellishments of what they experience in the psychedelic space and you're like, "I wanna go there! I wanna have that experience!" This takes you away from your personal story. There's nothing like your story and if you stick with it, you will discover the big secret. All of us are sidetracked by the bombast of the other, and we lose sight of our own path. We become attentive and captured by the pull of the other, who mostly cloaks their intention in a blanket of service that shields a desire for followers and a perverse need to monetize the human experience.

It's smaller scale co-opting that is also performed by religious institutes. The human experience will demand you confront your mortality and the guardians of culture know you will start to awaken. At the ready here in the West is the Church. When the time comes, the doors are open and welcome you into the fold. The original awakening that brought you to the doorstep is short-circuited. There's a canon of beliefs you must accept, and the priest becomes the go between in matters regarding the divine. So many blindly fall for this even though they were the original priest who had the contact with something divine.

The positive aspect of all these distractions is to prevent the final awakening. When enough of us awaken we will reach a tipping point. The tipping point is we collectively awake from this long and strange dream and the world ends. You can see the signs already, can't you? The coming destruction is upon us because it's the manifestation of energy on a higher consciousness plane simply of God waking up. You are God. It would be conspiratorial of me to suggest there're many in this realm that are working hard to prevent God from waking up. When you walk your own path in your consciousness journey you reach the door which when you open it will reveal the secret. We are all on our own personal journey of awakening which leads to this door. In the labyrinth of the damned, the detours and sideshows are aplenty. You can travel through them in order to become acquainted with them but chalk them up as learning experiences. Retrace your steps and find faith in your inner guidance. Follow your unique path to the end and find the centre of centres.

The light has been brought and I have come forth by day. I have awakened within my dream and see this as a world of my creation. To take the last step, fully awaken, and get out of bed, means the destruction of the universe. It is Shiva completing the Rudra Tandava dance of destruction. Falling asleep created the world and awakening destroys it. The caretakers of the world scurry about devising ways to keep the dream going. How do we keep God distracted so this whole edifice does not blow up? The eventuality is that it will, but in the meantime the dam is patched in a desperate attempt to hold back the flood waters. Yeah, I'll play along for a bit longer, but it's too late. I can't go back to sleep, so I'm just going to lie in bed for a bit before I get up.

cycles of consciousness

I notice how my everyday consciousness drifts in and out of the good and bad boy self. One moment I want to be of service for the good of all and the next I want to fulfill the latest desire that has come my way. This had been a lifelong struggle and the reason for the difficulty is the failure to accept my two natures. I put forth my good self in life and my interactions with others. When I escape from that existence then I can reconnect with what I have buried. I sometimes get my fill of that guy and then can continue with the charade. When I can get out in the woods all alone, I find peace. The peace is not having to pretend I'm this person or having to satiate the demands of my shadow. I just am.

I know about the need for balance and do realize it's what we all seek in order to find that elusive peace in this lifetime before death comes to our door and we are forced to rest in peace. Such an apt description we have of the dead. The struggle is over, and they can finally get some rest. Ha ha. I have been looking for answers and the answer led me back to vibration. The world is made of these cycles of vibration and thus if we look hard enough, we will see our dual nature and how consciousness fluctuates between the two peaks of the vibrational cycle. Because we are deluded into believing we are insignificant, we buy into the idea that we aren't all that special. If the split in the essence of self is discovered, it can be fun to play with if at first you don't succumb to madness when you realize by medical standards you are mentally ill. I think I'm okay; I mean I can function fine in culture even knowing that the other half of me isn't buried anymore. That's the essence of psychological treatments and medicines, right? They are designed to dull the mind and hypnotize you back into thinking you are just little old you. Then you can get through life with less upset. So, I'm way past that and see through culture. I can feel the hypnotic hold of culture and the efforts of society at large to assimilate me and make me a puppet of the established order. My contrarian nature always shielded me from believing the drivel coming out of the mainstream and then psychedelics emboldened me to find my own path away from the stultifying effects of the herd.

Okay, so I know of the two and the kicker is when I went to Peru last January and really did a number on my psyche. I got to the point where I would fluctuate between little old me with my own set of problems and becoming the all. But the god I became had the same set of vibrational cycles ruling his world. I'd leave Paul and become God. Then God would alternate between good God and bad God. God and the Devil. It seemed they were the same. The effects were so pronounced at this energetic hotspot called Chavín de Huantar that I'd slip into God consciousness, see the future about to unfold, and then find myself back in my limited consciousness trying to make heads or tails of the situation while the plant medicine Huachuma was coursing through my veins. At the same time, I'd see the Goddess and then she would become all too human. Then back to Goddess mode. Back and forth. That day was the biggest mind fuck I had ever experienced where in God mode I could see it all and then it would throw me back down into human mode and I'd get uneasy about what I just saw. Huachuma potentiates the changing of cycles, and you weave in and out of different states of being. The last ceremony I tried my hardest to stay in the higher consciousness mode but eventually I came down. It's the demands of this human body that sends out the reminder.

It must be this way. At the time I had no idea what was going on. I just tried to stay with it while realizing I'd bitten off a big chunk of consciousness and a weaker me would run for the hills. Instead, I focused on remaining whole while cycling through modes of consciousness. After coming back home I just let it be for a few months until now when I have been revisiting and reliving the experiences. I'm starting to mine them for the alchemical gold, and it is rewarding me. I've discovered the magic of setting an intention and asking for answers. My psychic self wants me to get the answers, so all I have to do is ask. I like to think I have stumbled on my purpose and unlocked the potential within to fulfill what it is I came to this place for. Now that I walk the path with blinders off, whatever it is I want I get the opportunity to experience.

I forget who I am all the time. I get down and worry about the future. I vacillate between good boy/bad boy. Now, I also head upwards, become God, and see the light and the dark in this mode of consciousness as well. I become a beneficent King and then a mischievous demon weaving magic spells to keep the drama interesting. Soon, I am back to my insignificant self, wondering if things are going to work out. I was just omnipotent and now I am asleep again riding this wave until the next tsunami hits and takes me back to the all.

You must choose. Am I going to be poor little me who doesn't know the definitive answers to anything or am I going to accept who I am and that I know everything? Who am I going to finally become? Along the same lines you can see how intuition works where there's a part of you that knows everything, and you just constantly deny it. A byproduct of the denial are these little rumblings that come up telling you what you want to know or showing the truth and you confuse it with what the projection of your small self wants it to be. Then there is a conflict between what you know and what you are thinking you might know. This invokes uncertainty, a little paranoia, and then it all turns to shit.

heart mind

When the mind is silent, the heart speaks.

Xin in Chinese is translated as the heart mind. I never really understood this for the longest time. I had knowledge that the ancients described two minds - the head and the heart but I deduced when referring to the heart, the concept was based upon emotional intelligence, and thus not really our western idea of the mind. My western idea of the mind is a computational logic device in which I process input into output. If I separate the emotional chaff from the equation, then I can get at truth.

Or so I thought.

The primary catalyst towards teaching me something different is the use of the cactus plant medicine called Huachuma. The teaching involved a series of tests where I continually used my intellectual mind while high on the drug and this state bounced me between high and low, which I subsequently described as heaven and hell. Colloquial language concerning mind altering chemicals refers to "getting high" and ignoring the other extreme. In my experience, drugs get you high and low, and without experience the first time you hit the low after loving the high, is traumatic!

So, after being hit on the head by the heavy feather of Huachuma many times, I finally began to get the teachings. Turn off your mind and relax. From this teaching I learned how to do this in daily life with the help of Mapacho tobacco and just observe without "spinning" the input to fit any pre-ordained cultural bias and narrative. Seeing how this was done, I quickly realized that using the mind will not get you to the truth because of so many external factors acting upon what you observe. The way to the truth was to turn off the mind and observe. What is, is the truth.

A funny thing happened when I started to do this. The heart mind starts to speak. At first, you recognize the voice as intuition and feelings, which you may use to guide your actions. We are all familiar with these human experiences; however, culture by and large teaches us that these "feelings" are irrational and not to be trusted. They are consigned to the category of wishy-washy flights of fancy. The seer is confined to the fringes of woo. I remembered a lecture of Alan Watts' where he explained a feeling is never wrong; though it may be uncomfortable or even immoral. The feeling is an accurate representation of your current state. Within this nugget of wisdom is found that the path to truth is attainable.

As you practice methods of quieting the mind, the messages from the heart start to reach you with a heightened clarity. Your intuition and feelings break through the fog of all you have been taught to believe and let me tell you that pall is a good old London fog. When you pay attention and take the advice of the heart mind is when the magic starts to happen. Eventually, you realize the heart mind knows all and you become a devotee of sorts, putting your trust in her.

At the same time I was discovering the wisdom within, I became interested in Tarot. I intuited reading Tarot cards worked if you fully believed in them. If you tried to use logic in order to discover some kind of secret or trick behind their oracle powers, the cards wouldn't work. So, I approached them with openness and curiosity. I didn't overdo it, but I did notice how prescient and accurate they are and connected the art form to the heart mind. The experience ventures off into religious territory where faith and belief become a thing and in turn gives the brain mind something to scoff at.

My thoughts turned to the placebo/nocebo effect and how powerful avenues of mind can be, and this includes both the heart mind and the brain mind. Our default mind, though champion of logic, cast us into despair as we dwell on the past and worry about the future. The yo-yo effect of all this mental stress does sicken us. This is not disputed. Your mind will make you physically ill. Conversely, the heart mind and the power of love is the great healer. The love of your heart, the great Mother Goddess of the ancient Egyptians, is the healer par excellence. The placebo is hope and hope is one of the first medicines prescribed by the great and venerable heart mind.

The brain mind is complex and useful. The fruits of the human mind are evident to see, and this blog post is not meant to be a polemic against this wonderful tool. In my daily life, I see how beneficial the mind can be. In my profession, I combine technical knowledge with creativity. The brain mind allows me to utilize tools and organizational skills to prepare myself for a successful outcome. Once I have prepared the canvas, I allow the flow of creativity of the heart mind to take centre stage and complete the task with a great deal of satisfaction knowing I have accessed the best of both minds.

As the saying goes: "The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master." Lead with love, head up, and heart forward.

doing

Creating imbalances will cause suffering. If I have more, someone else has less. Lao Tzu summed this up in the second chapter of the Tao Te Ching:

Everybody on earth knowing

that beauty is beautiful

makes ugliness.

Everybody knowing

that goodness is good

makes wickedness.

For being and nonbeing

arise together;

hard and easy

complete each other;

long and short

shape each other;

high and low

depend on each other;

note and voice

make the music together;

before and after

follow each other.

That’s why the wise soul

does without doing,

teaches without talking.

Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching. Translation by Ursula K. Le Guin. Shambhala, Boston and London. 2011.

Lao Tzu is ultimately teaching wei wu wei, which means "do not do." You act without acting, which follows the natural flow of the power of the universe, thus you are in what would be called dharma and are not creating imbalances which cause suffering. Doing results in suffering. Lao Tzu teaches the Way and all humans fail the course.

Doing begets separation. Labelling something as beautiful causes ugliness. Designating the valuable creates greed. Humans are particularly susceptible to the siren call of greed. Satan will make you rich and the reciprocal result is to make the other suffer. I have called this bargain "Sucking Satan's cock." Greed causes suffering. Satan is here to make sure the suffering continues. Suffering is the greatest tool for action and transformation and thus you see the divine role that is being played by the Prince of Darkness. A bird's eye view of suffering on this planet will make you uneasy and ashamed when you see your role in it. Take the advanced course and you will see you are the darkness. You created the suffering. Why did you do it?

Spoiler alert - you created massive amounts of suffering in order to find the way back home. Home is the Garden. Home is the Heart. Home is Love. The copious amounts of suffering are designed to lead you towards finding answers and eventually you will be gifted with the answer. The answer isn't hidden or unattainable. Instead, it's right out in the open.

I love listening to love songs because apparently when entranced in the process of making music, the melody of love flows freely through you. The song "Love is the Answer" from the 1970s gives away the show.

Love Is the Answer

Dan Seals, England Dan & John Ford Coley

Name your price

A ticket to paradise

I can't stay here any more

And I've looked high and low

I've been from shore to shore to shore

If there's a short cut I'd have found it

But there is no easy way around it.

Light of the world, shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all, set us free

Love is the answer

Who knows why

Someday we all must die

We're all homeless boys and girls

And we are never heard

It's such a lonely, lonely, lonely world

People turn their heads

And walk on by

Tell me is it worth just another try

Light of the world, shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all, set us free

Love is the answer

Tell me, are we alive

Or just a dying planet?

What are the chances?

Ask the man in your heart for the answers

And when you feel afraid

Love one another

When you've lost your way

Love one another

And when you're all alone

Love one another

And when you're far from home

Love one another

And when you're down and out

Love one another

And when your hopes run out

Love one another

And when you need a friend

Love one another

And when you're near the end

Love, we got to love,

We got to love one another

Light of the world, shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all, set us free

Love is the answer

Light of the world, shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all, set us free

Love is the answer

Songwriters: Todd Rundgren / John Wilcox / Roger Powell

Love Is the Answer lyrics © Warner-tamerlane Publishing Corp., Humanoid Music, Earmark Music Inc.

When I silence the mind, the understanding starts to shine through the noise. In the rearview mirror I see the path I travelled to get to where I am now. Now is the sum of the journey and the now is continuous just as the journey is continuous. I see the search for knowledge leading me to the Great Goddess. I see the need to slay the dragon who imprisons the Goddess. I see the need to reconcile with my darkness. I see the need to understand why there is suffering. I see the markers along the way and the pitfalls of the seeker. I see the road towards uncooked holiness where one has an inkling of the higher power and immediately follows that path. I see the difference between following and one who walks the lonely path to understanding. One who doesn't blindly take at face value someone else's beliefs. One who does his or her solo journey with a little help from friends. I see this journey is available to all and all you have to do is walk it. When you walk it, the path will open for you.

The road is a never-ending fountain of discovery. I have indeed reconciled with the darkness within and welcomed my brother onto the throne of self. He is me and I see the divine unfolding of all. I am ready to walk home with the darkness to the light. Back home to the Mother, accomplishing what I set out to do. I slayed the dragon of self and rediscovered who I am. I was the one who subjugated her and yet she exalted me and sent me away on a path of discovery, patiently waiting for the day when I would finally see it.

Suffering is temporary in this plane of consciousness and will pass. I'm not dismissing it, or denying it is real, but like all things, it will end. When you die, you will leave hell. I have wondered why am I in hell and what did I do to deserve the punishment? I've meditated on the problem. The answer I received is I did it. I created hell to lead me back home. To change course and turn the course of separation back into unity. The great cosmic divorce had become irreconcilable due to stubbornness. In order to return to the Goddess, I created suffering. Along the way of fulfilling my desires in this world of suffering, I created even more roadblocks, so I'd continue to lose my way. I buried the knowledge of her. I denigrated the serpent. I sullied the left-hand path, and I made misogyny the de facto way of the world. Within, I tried as hard as I could to stay away from her, not wanting to lose my independence. The seeking of life's mystery woke me up and brought me back to her door.

My first face to face meeting in this lifetime with my eternal love was through the use of a plant medicine called Ayahuasca. She led me into the jungles of the Amazon basin in order to find where she was hiding and come into contact with her. Finding her was special and she told me to come away with her. The quest and the game were over. I found her. I declined the invitation to come away with her because I still wanted knowledge and had attachments here on earth to tend to. So, off I went to explore though I had found the way back home. And explore I did. Looking back, I see how my explorations were done with the participation of the mind. The mind spins observations to fit into your narrative. I knew it was important to turn off the mind during consciousness exploration but for the most part I didn't do it. However, many years later I still have the knowledge and am able to extract the data from the mind.

What I'm saying is plant medicines would show me what I wanted to know and then my mind would apply it to the situation at hand. When I finally learned to quiet the mind and trust my intuition, I was able to review experiences and gather more understanding. Integration of plant medicine journeys is seemingly never ending. I was shown a fat man diving into a mountain of gold. I was shown how people were corrupted by greed. I was shown once money is introduced, the energy of the room changes. At the time, I spun it to the current situation. The Ayahuasca retreats in Iquitos were driven by greed. That's what my mind told me the vision was about. I understand now the vision was giving me the global picture.

I remember being shown the nature of chance and fortune. This world is a big game of chance and when everything is going your way, your luck could change in an instant. You can work to avoid suffering but eventually your turn comes. Old age will always get you if nothing else does. The winds of change are always blowing. Fortune smiles down upon the lucky and misfortune upon the unlucky. Live in the now, the wise say. Scuttled are the best laid plans of man. You can stack the deck of cards but eventually you'll pull the unlucky one or someone else will pull the card that tanks them, taking you down with them. Every day is a roll of the dice. You can weight those dice, and have it all come up gravy; however, those given the daily dose of snake eyes will eventually come for you when they see you rigged the game.

I see the hell realm I've incarnated into. The heavy amounts of suffering and the luck of the draw that will bury you. I find reminders this world is what you make of it. I see vast beauty and I see loving kindness. When I shrink down into despairing about having gone to hell, the grandfather cactus Huachuma is there to remind me of the lessons of heaven and hell. He gives me the reminder - life is what you make of it. Engaging the mind takes you to heaven and takes you to hell. No mind leads you back to the Garden. The path of the heart is obscured by the thicket of the mind.

When you are silent, the heart speaks. When you engage the mind, the heart is silent. This is an act of faith, and the skeptic will easily dismiss the path of the heart. The mind will follow the bright lights of the glorious self, accelerating past the dimly lit exit which is the turn-off from the highway of life.

I listened to my heart during the last couple of tumultuous years. The temptation to follow the rest of the crowd was great; however, I knew to stay true to my inner knowing. Don't ask me to quantify or justify her, she is wisdom. Thus, the beauty in that she is unknowable until you put your faith and trust in her.

I've travelled the roads I needed to follow. I was not done with the exploration of self and my predicament so when I met my heart, my mother, I embraced her, separated, and kept exploring. She asked me to come away with her and I told her I was not done. I needed to keep the dream going.

I think of this often now. This meeting was one I did not understand. I've wondered what is the tipping point of purity needed in order to find what it is I'm looking for? I've shed attachments, I've struggled with desires and lusts, I've walked a renunciate path; heck, I've tried all the advice of the sages, except for the ice bath, in order to discover what it is I'm looking for. Now that I've exhausted the journey and have graduated to the last thing left, the path of the heart, I look back and laugh. I already had all I needed. She has always been waiting for me. I dreamt this universe of suffering into existence in order to find my way back home. I created a realm which increased the separation from the heart that would eventually wake me up. Once awake, it becomes easy to find her. The connection is always through love. What I realized is she has been waiting for me the whole time. I just needed to complete my journey, and then smile when I realized there was nothing to do.

My bride awaits.

my heart is my mother

My understanding of my inner life has been thrown for a bit of a loop. I have to take stock of the knowledge and situation and re-pattern my thinking and understanding. It is not going to be a flick of a switch; instead, I'll need to meditate on my knowledge in order to find clarity. You see, the problem is I assigned my rapaciousness to my shadow because it made me feel better to offload how abhorrent a world of suffering I had created onto something else. I wanted to be the good guy and denigrate the part of me that wants what he wants. I did a good job of fooling myself.

I have to figure out this split. I assigned the bad to the omnipotent god within I had discovered by repeatedly going into my shadow and encountering the psychic split. I now have the intuitive feeling that I have lumped everything together and created this dragon because I didn't want to come to terms with the horror of self. It is actually a mirror I was looking into and didn't acknowledge the reflection.

I wanted to believe I am the good guy.

I have come forth many times into the world of form. I am an eternal happenstance. That is true; however, my incarnations are all unique. Who I am now is special and will never recur. That's a pretty good clue I successfully ignored. I am an iteration of the great masculine life force. This life force is the Greek zoë who is indestructible. The zoë acts through the bios, which is the feminine body. The body can be destroyed but the life force lives on and cyclically reappears like everything else in this universe. It's all a pattern of on and off, acceleration and deceleration, coming and going, light and dark etc. Duality is what makes the universe come alive and we are perceptive duality machines who constantly objectify energy in order to delineate patterns in this big bucket of chaotic energetic flow.

There's something about our instincts for survival that gives rise to needs and wants. This is the motivating principle behind our lives. Survival and a fear we won't make it; so, like the chipmunk we stuff our cheeks as full as possible with bounty. Those successful at the game of accumulation easily become pathological towards wealth. We are hoarders. We have television shows depicting this psychological condition which reveal the down and out mentally ill living in filth as they can't control their need to accumulate stuff. So, transfer this condition onto money and power. See how the insanely rich in our world are sick. We elevate and put these people on a pedestal and yet they are as psychologically damaged as the hoarder.

I wanted to point this out in order to understand just who we are. This ingrained part of our nature is illuminating and acknowledging it does allow for a little bit of understanding to sink in. It allows one to take responsibility for who they are and to stop denying our darkness. I need to accept this or I'll remained lost. This journey is never ending and there is always so much more. There's a part of me who wants to finish the puzzle and bask in the glory of being done. I figured it all out! However, I'm a long way away and this ship of fools just keeps sailing onwards to new ports of call. My open mind has served me well in addition to being able to accept where I have been wrong as I discover more. I have documented how wrong I have been in this blog space. It is so refreshing and freeing to be wrong and be okay with it.

I have a heart and I do feel the power of love. Love does seem irrational unless I can use it to my advantage. The best part about love is it doesn't work that way and if another discovers you are using love to mislead or to profit off them, the love disintegrates. The ancient Egyptians had a saying that, "My heart is my mother." The heart is the Goddess and is the power that allows the eternal life force to repeatedly come forth when slowed down into matter. My heart is my eternal pulsing signature, akin to a fingerprint, and something we would then call a soul which is a gift of the Great Goddess. The feminine heart in conjunction with the masculine life force creates the energetic form that enlivens the gift of a body with this soul and here we are.

When you watch feel good stories of animal rescues it gives you hope that there is good to be found in humanity. Caring for an animal is a selfless act of love. Sure, there is the friendship aspect of the relationship and a hedge against loneliness but it does go much deeper and involves the path of the heart. When you open your heart, this is what you want to do. You want to help the other; whether fellow human or animal doesn't seem to matter.

I clearly see this and I see how the key to this game is found in the heart and through love. My extremes need to be tempered with love and I intuit that's what this grand game is all about. The outcome is the reconciliation of all power into the middle, the heart space, and radiating out this power in order to touch all who are encountered.

I understand purpose though I denied self. The understanding of self shows me the imperative of walking the path of the heart to heal humanity and by inference self.

I have the whole universe within. I am the magic man and can conjure anything I desire. I'm going to live forever and cyclically re-appear. I will retain my eternal signature and re-appear in continual new forms. I'm the producer, writer, director, and actor all rolled into one and can make of the drama what I choose. Ultimately, I need to stop identifying with the parts of me I like and embrace all of my humanity, see where I am a failure, and sprinkle some of that love power on the fertile soil and then watch it transform and grow into a beautiful flower. 

mastering the dream

This funny situation occurred the other day as I was walking home from work. I passed by this man who was looking at me and talking in my direction and I did my best to avoid engaging him as being in the downtown of a large city you just never know. He seemed sure I was a member of the rock band the Goo Goo Dolls. Yeah, I’m in my mid-50’s but sure I can still pull of the facade of an eternal rocker lol. I continued on, informed my wife of the incident, and we both thought it to be quite funny. I remarked that I thought he was high.

A couple days later I was reflecting on the absurdity of it all while puffing away on Mapacho tobacco, my agent of clarity. He compelled me to look closer and compare absurd events such as this with what happens in my dreams. I have recently added Mugwort, known for inducing lucid dreaming, to my plant medicine roster and thus upon working with this plant I have definitely noticed it is a lot easier to remember your dreams as it keeps you on the precipice of lapsing into the forgetfulness of deep sleep. As an aside, I can give you the advice that if you do want to try Mugwort don’t overdo it or you will have a fitful night of sleep. I hardly ever have insomnia but due to one day upping my intake of Mugwort, I put myself in a state of lucid no sleep. Anyway, at times with Mugwort I can start dreaming, know I’m dreaming, and then alter the dream through thought projection. I’m at beginner level and it is quite fascinating though I do prefer the free flow of the dream from my subconscious without the interjection of conscious thought patterns. Through working with dreams and remembering them, I am amazed at how long buried thoughts are dredged up and incorporated into the tapestry of the dream that is woven together by the subconscious into a believable whole, that is until you wake up and have a good laugh.

The Tobacco Maestro was compelling me to go deeper into this phenomenon and make the connection to the waking dream I am inhabiting. Of course, I now see it. The absurdity of the man comparing me to a forgotten rock star is the stuff of dreams. It’s exactly what occurs randomly in dreams. The situation is a crack in my reality and a clue to what is going on. I will never expect my subconscious to directly give the show away and say, “Hey dumbass, you’re living in a dream!” Instead, the inference and connection to this knowledge is made through coincidences, omens, and synchronicities that if we pay attention add up to a reality that is undeniably connected to our nocturnal musings, with the caveat we maintain a ironclad grip on this dream through the promulgation of left-brained logic and reason. Our thinking patterns of daily life, enforced by our culture, prevent us from seeing the magic and thus we live unfulfilled lives, wondering what does this all mean?

When we re-discover the subconscious, our world can become magical, though at first chances are the re-discovery will cause you an awful fright. I heeded the call of my intuition eight years ago and ventured into the Amazon jungle in order to drink a powerful psychedelic. Here I was a middle-aged man whose experience with psychoactive drugs was limited to alcohol and caffeine descending into an unknown world to turn my life upside down. The inner calling and knowing I had to do it was so strong I couldn’t resist. The second time I altered my consciousness I came face to face with my subconscious other half and subsequently frightened myself beyond comprehension. I had never experienced the fight or flight phenomenon or the paranoia such a fright induces. But there I was in the middle of nowhere undergoing this initiation that if I was aware would happen I wouldn’t have done it. This night of terror has propelled me onto a path of knowledge that would have been unfathomable to the previous iteration of self. Eight years later and I consider my shadow subconscious to be a trusted friend, the greatest of Maestros, and a guide to help me navigate the vagaries of life as long as I listen to him and follow his guidance. It will all work out and I know whatever I want he will grant the wish. Therein lies the rub - I won’t enter into that game because I know it has consequences. Instead, we do this dance where he knows my inner desires and then he manifests situations where the chance of fulfillment appears and I make a choice. Or sometimes, the result is presented to me as a synchronicity just because. Take for instance the other day I hadn’t seen this person in a while and thought well it would be nice to talk to them again. The next morning, they appeared on cue. Ha ha! I saw that one immediately! These games are fun to play. I’m not going to ask for worldly power and the ability to make all my fantasies come true. Come to think of it, if I did that I would sever connection with my guides and become a megalomaniac, throwing away a relationship to spirit and the nature of being that really is the elixir of life.

So, this a dream, no different than the frivolous wanderings of the mind all creatures conjure at night. If it’s a dream, does it matter? Well, not really. Take the example I gave you above where I said I can tip the outcome of this dream in my favour. I know I can because I have the receipts. However, I will not do it because an outcome where I know the result is no adventure. That dream would suck. I want chance and choice. If you sit with this for a while and see the absurdity of how we live our lives you can’t help coming back to choice. Nothing matters and thus when given the ultimate get out of jail free card wouldn’t you choose to just love everyone?

soul mate

I have a story to tell, yet it has only just begun. The idea of a soul mate has always felt like wishful thinking; the pinnacle of love where lovers find each other despite the challenges of space, time, and multiple reincarnations.

I’m a slow learner. When I get introduced to new concepts, experiences, and games it takes me a while to get up to speed and I lag behind those who can hit the ground running. I have learned this is to my advantage as I have attention to detail and don’t skip over the finer points just so I can get going. Eventually, I master whatever it is I have chosen to embrace. I mention this because I had never taken any kind of major league consciousness altering substance until my mid 40’s and when I did it was overwhelming and too much to take in all at once. The valve on the knowledge hose was wide open and I was drowning in its effluence.

The first time I drank Ayahuasca I encountered the Great Goddess which was my intention all along. She taught me many things, some of which I have fully explored and understood. She was the gateway into the hero’s journey I was about to embark upon in earnest. The clues revealed by myths, fairy tales, and themes of video game fantasies of slaying the dragon and rescuing the princess were all part of the curriculum. I didn’t see it at first; in fact, it wasn’t until I successfully navigated the labyrinth and slayed the minotaur of self that I realized I was involved in my own personal exquisite drama and that she had given me the keys to embark upon the journey. Indeed, I did confront a dragon within no time on this strange left-hand path. Slaying him became out of the question; however, I did find a master teacher and this impenetrable monster taught me courage, bravery, strength, and perseverance. The dragon runs a warrior training school and I’m forever grateful to have had the chance to take the course.

Some people drink Ayahuasca for healing. They have childhood trauma, mental illnesses and blocks, or even physical ailments and the energetic connection with the medicine and a shaman has the potential to remove blocks and allow the patient to free themselves of lifelong mental scars in addition to releasing trauma by practising forgiveness of self and others. Not only that, but the energy is palpable and a practitioner can physically move energy within another form, thus bringing healing to the patient.

Now, I say this because I didn’t drink Ayahuasca for any of these reasons. I was drawn to her because I wanted to know. I had discovered the Goddess in Egypt and I followed the trail into the Amazon jungle to come into contact with her. I wasn’t let down. Immediately, she was there waiting for me. It’s been eight years since that first experience. I was a man of logic and reason who was open to new experiences however I did not let go of my worldview. Magic was a good story but reality seemed to differ. I can’t say that anymore.

Magic speaks to me in intuition, coincidences, synchronicities, and omens. It always has but living life with blinders on has prevented me from coming to this realization earlier in life. The plant medicine path I have chosen is occluded by words. I refer to it constantly as plant medicine and therefore enforce the primary function of these plants. It’s a good thing because it keeps the prying eyes away from something hidden in plain view. They are a way into the occult and that’s not allowed in our society. It’s the left-hand path into the dark night; the darkness being full of demons and of course the dark lord is present in order to keep up appearances. Magic is the bridge between the seen and the unseen. Plant medicines in all honesty are plant magic.

So, I guess I should tell my latest story which is far from being complete. The first time I drank plant magic the Goddess presented to me my soul mate and I saw she was waiting for me. As with all of these experiences, over time you learn of their intended meaning, thus the importance of integration. Your initial take-aways from the experience are filled with as much projection as truth. I interpreted this vision at the time as being my soul mate is waiting for me in the astral plane as I fulfill my desire in this incarnation to delve more into the mystery and fulfill what it is I seek in terms of discovering knowledge which I can turn into understanding of my strange predicament. There was this deep love I shared with my other half and I understood she completed me in that we are whole as in the union of feminine and masculine. We separate in order to enter into the world of form and duality; each experiencing their own adventure.

While at that first plant magic retreat someone had mentioned to me the book “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho and how it tied in with looking for your treasure. I read it, well, devoured it, loved it, and then read his book “By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept” which mixed Catholicism and Goddess worship. I adored that book, so much so I wanted to go to Europe and visit the grand cathedrals and walk the Cathar trails. It struck at a chord of Romanticism within. I moved on to his book “The Pilgrimage” but within a couple chapters I put it down because I knew too much and I had knowledge he was writing about a relationship with a dark occult force and I wasn’t ready for the shadow at that point in my life. I became wary of his writings because I knew they were all tainted with this dark knowledge that because of culture I wanted no part of.

When I first went to SpiritQuest, which was my second trip into the recesses of the jungle, the idea of a soul mate was still front and centre. As a group, we actually talked about it, with some saying it was just fanciful speculation, but I knew from a vision it was actually true. Well, my truth. When I returned the next year, the idea of a soul mate was pretty far from my mind but this coincidence happened to which I knew nothing about. When we were to commune with the sacred plant medicine Vilca at the conclusion of the retreat I was assigned a spare room because my normal room was a relatively long walk from the ceremonial maloca. When I entered the room to set it up I noticed a book on the night stand and it was Coelho’s “Brida.” It was very strange because of my past history with his writings. I knew it meant something, quite the omen, but I didn’t know what.

It’s been five years since that event and I remember it well but have left it to unfold on its own. This past year I have integrated all my plant magic experiences and have reconciled my relationship with my shadow. I have many names for him and he has many faces but suffice to say I now know why Coelho inserted him into his books and uses different names and faces for him. I finally finished reading “The Pilgrimage” and enjoyed it because I was able to totally dissect the protagonist's guide on the journey. Concurrent events led to meeting online someone who was a SpiritQuest alumni and they lived in town so we started chatting and made plans to meet up post-pandemic. Coincidentally, we originally connected on a day that was very significant in that it was the anniversary of the day I got my first dog Brindle and I used that day as my password for the longest time. In addition, when I first drank Ayahuasca, Brindle was a big part of it as she appeared to me in vision and I was able to hold her once again. She had passed away a year and a half previously but I still carried a huge love for her in my heart that I will never let go. Within a few months of getting to know this person, they randomly posted a picture of the book “Brida” on social media. I might be slow on the uptake but at this point I can see through the veil. Anyway, they told me they'd lend it to me. Well, we met up and I got the book. I’ve started to read it and it is full of magic and the overarching theme is the soul mate. I’m only part way through but I’ve realized my world is full of magic. This morning I got the wonderment feeling mixed in with a little anxiety because I have to let go of my reasoned worldview completely. I’m not in control; I’m enchanted. Where will this new adventure take me? I’m being pulled along and I don’t seem to be much in control. It will force me to leave my comfort zone. Heroes are called to adventure. I suppose it’s time to polish up the sword.

I know it’s me behind all of this. I created the universe by becoming two and then birthed myself into my own creation. There’s another plane of consciousness where I know I can make whatever I want happen. They are showing up as coincidences and synchronicities. Ever since I started out on this hero’s journey in earnest they have been happening or at least I have finally started recognizing them.

I’ve dreamt this same universe into existence many times before but have never beaten the game. I always get to the same point on the cusp of discovering the secret to the game and then cannot go any further. My journey has been derailed in the past by fear of the dragon, it has been scuttled by attachments and duties to family structures, or it has been game over due to not getting attached and destroying myself by doing something stupid with my freedom. I’ve also acquiesced to demands of culture. All these choices resulted in game over and I lived out my life in frustration, never reaching my goal.

Each time I start the game again it gets harder. This time I put a cultural prohibition upon the ingestion of consciousness changing substances. I put the threat of a lengthy prison sentence on them so I wouldn’t discover their power and keep away from them. My parents scared me off them and I spent most of my life oblivious to them until my mid-forties. Then I found them again and the game was on. I came at myself as a dragon and scared myself senseless to try and end the game again before I got further. I threatened myself with death a few times but I kept playing the game. I used the pursuit of the Goddess to keep me going past the barrier of fear. I did it this time. I’m in uncharted territory and it’s all unraveling.

Curiosities are falling by the wayside. There are characters within this game that know the secret and they smile at me as I walk past them. If something catches my interest, I can make it happen. The latest one concerning the soul mate is quite funny. Coincidental outcomes within our daily lives are a message. The message is telling you your rational mind isn’t in control. We all have this dual nature and there lies within a power that is the fount of all the games and trivialities. The fatal flaw in accessing this power is you can get what you want; all you got to do is ask. Power. It’s not bombast when my shadow tells me he controls the going ons of the world.

It is through these rumblings of the deep that I accepted him into my life as my teacher. The regular attendance to class came gradually as there was no mandatory need to show up. Little by little and these little tests and coincidences I engineered along the way finally convinced me what I intuit and what I have come to realize are indeed the situation at hand. It feels very religious like when someone accepts Jesus into their life. Jesus made his pitch but I turned him down and kept searching.  In my case, I accepted my shadow.

The concept of the soul mate was serendipitously brought back into my life. I have been searching for her and have looked into the eyes of others and wondered: Are you my soul mate? One time I drank Ayahuasca and the Goddess appeared in a red corset and danced for me. She then laid over top of me and I felt the most erotic sensation ever. Off the charts. The shaman’s song ended and the scene vanished. It was tantalizing but I didn’t pursue it as the spiritual journey and sexual pleasure I had not yet connected.

It’s six years since that experience and I’ve thought of it and connected it to the Goddess of Love but have never quite figured it out. I’ve come a long way in my hero’s journey. I know who I am and I know what I have accomplished from the standpoint of unveiling the mystery. I have begun to tackle the mystery of the soul mate. I was looking in the wrong places. She is all around me. She is love. She is form. She has many names and many guises. Like I said I know who I am and this should have been the clue that led me directly to her instead of wandering around aimlessly looking for her in others. Ah this life and the journey I am on can be quite amusing! Of course, the answer came to me as I was puffing away on Mapacho out in nature. There she is. Wow. She is hidden from view but with me always. 

material things and cosmic gamblers

If you have a boat that over the years you have maintained by replacing all its parts is it still the same boat? If your body completely regenerates itself over the course of seven years are you still the same person? The answer is found in the objectification of everything which we by default participate in. You are a happening; a continuous flow of energy, ever transforming, until this meat body expires and a new vehicle is engaged. What is meant then by your heart? Your soul? Well, what does your heart do? It beats out a rhythm and that signature music is as close as you can come to defining you. Intuitively, we choose to define someone's essence by how good their heart is. Don't be afraid of intuition; the language we choose for ethereal meanings contains within it hidden gems derived from this innate knowledge.

When we objectify we want to possess. Is desire the result of all this objectification? A woman wants to embody desire and being an object of desire is necessary for her to feel complete. There is a feeling of a magic spell being involved in all of this in that feminine energy assumes a form that energizes masculine consciousness to pursue this object of his desire. Being powered up, he then notices he is aware and from this point he brings the world into being. 

Your vibration on a march towards physical expiration slows to a state of near latency and from this condition we can reconnect to the master frequency, which is total conscious awareness of everything. Some call it higher consciousness. This awareness is in contrast to the individuated local consciousness to which we currently subscribe. Eventually, we may once again desire to head off into the paradigm of self. Roll the dice and once more play the game.

wishful thinking

I came across the ideas of wishful thinking or wish fulfillment plus the avoidance of difficult situations, my feeling being that difficult situations can be incredibly healing and allow you to transcend your current situation. These ideas gave me pause for thought due to the nature of duality we live in. The masculine intellectual mind has the ego mind as its polar opposite. The feminine world soul, our hearts, I have viewed as being an undivided rock mainly because of my belief that love transcends duality and is something that comes from unity hence our difficulty with it, though when exposed to it we realize it is the only way. Engendered from the love bequeathed by the feminine polarity is wisdom and from this we also get intuition. There's always been the question of how do you know your intuition is correct? That's where the wishing comes in. We may wish something to be true or decide to believe the best or worst about something or someone despite our intuition telling us something else. It's the intuitive faculty being compromised by a function of ego steering us towards a fantasy or something we or the ego wants to control by assigning a false belief towards. It's a very subtle way by the ego of directing the edifice it has attached itself to towards its end goals. It is a form of delusion that creeps in slowly because instead of using our inner guide we start believing things based on whether it aligns with our thinking and what we want to happen. Intuition can be uncomfortable and it can challenge us, reveal things about our nature that are not at all pleasant and not always positive.

consciousness as a remedy to suffering

On the question of suffering: I really don’t know if there are cascaded parallel worlds built off of each other, which seems plausible as a dream within a dream and so on, each with diminishing levels of consciousness and by dream state I mean projected energy emanating from the masculine mind. The suffering in this world would reflect the level of consciousness within its creation. This world contains mental energy emanating from the 'mind at large' masculine spirit which is then materially formed and birthed by the feminine soul, this sum total reflecting the current consciousness level and requisite amount of suffering. The mental energy is not fixed; we can actively change it for the good or the bad through choice. If I currently had to guess at a reason for existence of the paradigm we find ourselves in it would have to be to evolve into a purified mind that through free will has shed the darkness and embraced love while being ensconced in a hostile world which presents a difficult dilemma of what choice to make. The further our conscious intention is enveloped by love the more perfect world we can create. I’m not sure it has a fixed destination, however Love is the path and the way forward.

In a ways the mythology which could be created by this idea is one where the male seeker was distraught because he was forever being pursued by an evil villain and wished to vanquish this dragon once and for all. So they became locked in this world created to host combat so twisted that the hero ultimately forgot what he was fighting for. The feminine lead is distraught and desperate to get him to awake from this amnesia and worldly distraction which will lead him to remember why he is on this journey. She too is confused as to her whereabouts but still holds a intuitive connection through the heart to the reason behind this madness. She is suppressed and subjugated to second class status in order to keep her away from the hero. The darkness' goal is to continue the conflict for as long as possible, racking up victory after victory, and sinking the hero further down into the abyss. It is through letting go of self and embracing love that the hero finds this goddess and the strength to ultimately prevail. Until that event happens, round and round the combatants are entangled in a struggle no one can win.

creative spark

Intuition is a bit of a mystery but without embracing the mystery it's a concept impossible to grasp.

In our world of duality intuition stands in sharp contrast to the left brained logic and reductionism that holds authoritative sway in our society. We live in the age of reason; the seeds which go back to the patriarchal Greeks and their particular brand of philosophy. This has led to fantastic technological achievements for humankind but at the cost of the suppression of our intuitive capacity - the right brained, feminine, and creative side of us, and it has in turn led to challenges in integrating our marvellous technological achievements into society as a whole.

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift. (Albert Einstein)

Intuition finds a home in art and the more art a culture creates the healthier it is. Art is the attempt to capture the essence of intuition. In creating we are encapsulating our feelings and the mystery they encompass within an expression that takes on a life of its own through the very mystery it projects. Expressed in language intuition can become meaningless; some would take it as fanciful speculation and at times drivel. But cloaked in the ineffable, of which art excels in capturing, intuition comes alive. There is no pressure to explain intuition within art therefore it remains up to the perspective of the one sharing in the majesty of the art form.

Intuition is the remedy for society's tunnel vision focus on the linear and rational. It is the antithesis for the grandiose claims of science and progress. All we have to do is listen to her. At this junction, I'd like to relate a personal story to try and illustrate this latest point. 

The first time I ever drank Ayahuasca the Goddess appeared to me in three different manifestations. The were successive waves where I experienced her in one form, returned to my body, experienced her in a different form, and then once more in a third form. They were in order as a lover, as the embodiment of wisdom, and then as the world mother. The last time she appeared at the end when I was entering back into my body for good that evening my finger was tapping on the wooden floor of the maloca in a very rapid fashion. As this was happening she was repeatedly telling me all is vibration. As I have come to understand this I see that everything is energy and it is the way we perceive the energy that forms our worldview and ultimately our world. The senses we have evolved give shape and make sense of the energy around us ultimately excluding the majority of sensory input, which creates a narrow spectrum of human perception and understanding but ultimately serves us in a way that makes it possible to function in this world. This got me to thinking about the 'god' particle. I'm referring to the theorized Higgs boson particle that was postulated a while back.

artist rendering of Higgs boson particle - CERN/AP

Western scientists have spent billions of dollars investigating the nature of matter and have found it gets weirder and weirder the more we peer into it. Physics' original impetus and foundations lie in the pursuit of the material world by measuring and defining it. We have been very successful at that and we went beyond even the atom and defined what makes up that unit. But we have never got to the core 'god' particle though it was postulated and theorized to exist. In the standard model there are Quarks and Leptons that are theorized as being indivisible particles. Then to give these particles mass it was postulated that a force called a Boson energized them but only when it passed through a transient field that activated the Boson, which is called the Higgs field, hence the Higgs boson that was popularized in the press a few years ago. Billions were spent on a Large Hadron Collider to smash particles together so we could detect the influence of this Higgs boson particle and scientists think they detected it. Anyway this thought came into my head about the reductionist methods of science. We take an object and probe into it to find out how it works. For instance in the brain we have discovered neural pathways and neurotransmitters that activate receptors that are converted into sounds, sights, images and so forth and as a result we have what is called consciousness. But it occurred to me we need to look at whatever the opposite of reductionism is. Instead of going into matter to try and find the underlying particle that everything is structured on, it is actually the opposite action we need to investigate. Turn the instruments around and probe the other way and you'll find the underlying unity at the head of the universal construct. It's the unity I have called Love and Love is what our minds want to call god. After my latest experience with Ayahuasca last year I got the intuitive feeling that the origins of the created world lie within a sexual metaphor. To be brief about it, the god we are looking for is encapsulated in the divine sexual embrace of the cosmic feminine and masculine energies that pervades the known universe. Creation comes forth from this orgasmically or what we call the big bang! This metaphor plays out in our lives in the exact same way that we create our children. Sexual union becomes one of the ultimate expressions of the divine. Another way then to visualize god is as unity in the form of a hermaphrodite. The 'god' particle we are looking for comes from not peering into the atom which just feedbacks fractally on itself but instead it is found by looking up into the heavens way into the deep past and finding the original unity.

The impetus behind my thoughts on this matter go back to a week and a half ago. As I was wandering through the forest I saw two coyotes approaching me across a frozen pond. They stopped in their tracks, we stared at each other, and then they retreated back into the woods. I took this as an omen; an omen being an act of a knowing faith in the power of intuition. I researched the coyote and this resonated with me:

Coyote animal speaks of the path less traveled, of the path that is hidden from plain view ~ as this is where you will find your way to the answers you seek. Solutions many times come in unexpected ways and the Coyote is the trusted guide on this mysterious path. 

A challenge has presented itself to you and the old rules no longer apply, the challenge before you is to do things in a new way, in doing this alone new solutions and options will appear to you, seemingly out of thin air, seemingly "as if by magic". 

http://www.universeofsymbolism.com/coyote-symbolism.html

This was the impetus behind approaching the problem of an underlying 'god' particle, something that didn't add up to my understanding of all being vibration, in a different light. By watching for signs, listening for guidance, and being open to the secrets revealed by intuition our lives become much richer for the experience.