pure and holy

What is the meaning of becoming pure and holy? Because of my cultural upbringing, I envision this state as being embodied by one who has transcended all worldly desires. A holy man is a renunciate and an ascetic. Basically, you self-hypnotize in order that the siren calls of the flesh are bypassed. If the adoration of the masses for your beatitude isn’t fulfilling, at least you know that you have a modicum of control over your degenerate self and can run out the clock on this human experiment. You’ll get your reward later.

That’s a pretty crass take on the spiritual path and its propensity for creating hypocrites. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with my own multiple failures? I’m guilty; hell, I still have desires that rise from my depths. What to make of them? That’s a tough one to sit with because I do tend to think they are not rational however they sure do make me feel alive. Suppressing them because of cultural constraints or because of the expectations directed towards one walking a spiritual path seems to go against what I preach. What do I preach? Liberation. Break free of others and their hang-ups they are putting upon you. They are in the same boat but through projection and transference they escape and create an aura around themselves that is impenetrable. You pay the price for the guilt trip they lay upon you. Bad vibes, man.

Being brutally honest is a great exercise. I say give it a try. I walk this path and the signs keep reminding me to be of service. It’s for the good of all and I made a promise to this effect. How much is enough? Really, I’m asking. I can generate wealth and I share it among family members. I’m the rock that keeps that construct rolling. Without me it falls apart. I give without much complaint though I reserve the right to occasionally grumble. I house a pet dog who really has no monetary value and instead I perpetuate her good life through unselfishly giving up my time and wealth to give her comfort. I once thought I was selfish because I’m not 100% of service. There are many paths of service. I think a good rule of thumb is to try and not be an asshole. Our natural tendency to help then blossoms. It’s true - people love to help. Even the stranger stuck on the highway with a broken-down vehicle will have a Good Samaritan stop to help. It’s funny when you look at your life and realize the great sacrifices you have already made for many others. Perhaps a kind word here or there now that you’re an elder will suffice. Sometimes, that is all someone needs for their flower to blossom.

Anyway, what the hell am I getting at in this observational piece? It has to do with becoming pure and holy. I think I have some kind of answer. The answer is to chase and fulfill your desires. Fill your plate full of shrimp at the buffet and gorge on them until you puke. This a method that works because desires come and go like the addiction to the song that is playing in your head. Eventually you tire of it. For sure, you then move on to the next addiction. I understand that’s what we do. Can you see why now that we repeatedly incarnate? The desire is too strong, and we haven’t fulfilled all that tempts us to return. That’s why I’m wary of walking the holy man route. They are going to come back, and the pulse of desire will be even stronger. I say becoming holy and pure is achieved through desire fulfillment. The path I walk is a path of power; well, the paths all lead to power, however one direction results in you using it for gain and fulfilling all your worldly desires. It’s quite the siren call when you see it. A deal with the devil and a surrendering of autonomy will result in your shadow putting you on the path towards self-glorification and acquiring great gobs of power. Imagine given that opportunity! The other path leads toward you becoming power. It’s a longer climb and the road is sometimes foggy. But you are free, and this freedom becomes power. There’s no need to use this power to fulfill desires. Power is no longer a commodity to be used; instead, you are power; you are it.

Knowing you are it leads to another important concept to grasp on the meandering trail. It involves stopping the consuming of self-help and step into your power. There are many kiosks and road-stands set up for you as you walk the spiritual path. For the most part, they contribute to the knowledge base which is very valuable; however, they don’t have the answer and ultimately, they are biased towards their path. The problem is you aren’t walking their path. You’re walking yours. Having a belief in someone else’s beliefs isn’t going to do you a lick of good. What it is you seek is your truth. Your truth is as unique as each falling snowflake. The only way to get to it is to look within yourself and from your perspective you will get the answer. You may not like it, but the destination reveals the truth. The obstacles placed in your path, sometimes in the form of religion, force you to liberate yourself through whatever means necessary. Without this freedom, you never arrive at your truth.

Being pure refers to power lit up by desire; desire being a raging fire that has burned off the dross in the furnace of hell. Power becomes the calm lake at dawn before the events of the day stir up the waves. So peaceful and pure. Being holy is the gift of love from the Goddess. Love tempers power and thus why I walk the pure and holy path to that power.

edge of the cliff

The plant medicine journey has made me aware of culture, its hold on me, and my internal cry for freedom. The journey is gradual and methodical as you slowly wake up and realize how ingrained and entrenched you are in the system. The most fascinating part of this whole journey is that immediately upon entering into this occult world I was shown how enslaved I was. I reacted negatively and just wanted the alteration of perception to end. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the comfort of my world where I toiled in obscurity for someone else, got my three-square meals a day, and a comfortable pillow. The truth was too much to take all at once. I ran home. Two years later, I re-started the intensive phase and this time I have peeled away the layers of the onion one by one until there is nothing left. I stand at the end of the road where all that remains is the precipice where you make the decision to jump or to turn back and bend the knee to your master.

I'm the one leading myself into a situation where I will be forced to reap all I have sown. I have to do it. I can't stay working at a job that drains me of my will to do anything about what I know and to walk that path forward in life. I'm just running out the clock on my life and I'm soon going to be too old to make the difference in the world I wish to make. I waste my days doing a job I really don't need to do. I have what I need. I can let go. Sure, it is life changing and involves risk but deep down I know it is what I want and I'm inexorably headed in that direction. My shadow and I both want this. The only way he was going to extricate me from the long and slow descent into oblivion was to yank it away from me. So, here we are. My sword is the freedom sword.

The greater good. What a devious psychological trap. The masquerading superego writ large. The weight of cultural conformity coming for all those who don't bend the knee. No matter the crisis, real or imagined, the forces of control will always seize the opportunity and use the confusion to further sink their claws into you. Reclaim your power. Whatever the original crisis was, it's over. This is a psychological battle for control between the puppeteer who modulates your behaviour and rewards you so as to condition you versus the force within you longing to be free. It's frustrating because I bide my time waiting for people to wake the fuck up. Being obedient doesn't allow you to reclaim your freedom from an entity that doles it out. Freedom is taken by being rebellious.

Instead of the greater good which involves the sacrifice of self to another controlling entity, there's another way. It's called for the good of all. What's the first stop on the road to service? Heal thyself, grasshopper. If you are still sick, you can't help another; you will just infect them will the same bullshit that sullies your light. For the good of all, wake up, free yourself of your chains, and then offer yourself in service to others who are on the path of awakening.

Your master gets you to bend the knee on the regular to inculcate and remind you of whom you serve. You do it so often that eventually it becomes ingrained and you learn to love your imprisonment. The Russian philosopher George Ivanovich Gurdjieff succinctly summed up the human condition with this quote:

“You are in prison. If you wish to get out of prison, the first thing you must do is realize that you are in prison. If you think you are free, you can't escape.”

Additionally, he recognized the forces within society that keep you down and in turn make you love your servitude.

“In order to awaken, first of all one must realize that one is in a state of sleep. And in order to realize that one is indeed in a state of sleep, one must recognize and fully understand the nature of the forces which operate to keep one in the state of sleep, or hypnosis. It is absurd to think that this can be done by seeking information from the very source which induces the hypnosis."

I like my job and willingly give away the best of myself so that my masters can profit off of my gifts. I am given controlled compensation that allows me to reap the rewards which culture offers me. I get a nice place to live, can raise a family, and use some of my money on leisure and entertainment while being mindful of saving for when the time comes and I'm no longer of use to my cultural masters. Gurdjieff continues:

".... One thing alone is certain, that man's slavery grows and increases. Man is becoming a willing slave. He no longer needs chains. He begins to grow fond of his slavery, to be proud of it. And this is the most terrible thing that can happen to a man.”

This has always been in the back of my mind; however, I was scared to take the step to walk away. I was destined to run out the clock on life and take the easy way into my eventual demise. Change seems daunting and I'm not sure about what is behind door number 3. I can have some degree of confidence in what life will look like if I continue to toil for my master and I can get more of a handle on the future. If I stay asleep and in chains things will be easier.

The second time I drank Ayahuasca way back in 2013 part of the mental beatdown I received concerned the weight of culture and how I was in chains. I clearly saw my role in culture and how it could all come crashing down within moments if people found out about my flaws. All of the good will and social credit would disappear in mere seconds. It was like my secrets were being used to keep me in line so I'd stay in the game. Then I had a vision of how I was a slave. I lived in a run-down hut in some far away land toiling away for a master and this situation had followed me through many lifetimes. I misread the vision and thought I was going to enslaved in the jungle when instead Ayahuasca was showing me how that in my life back home I was a slave through metaphor. I remember being so beaten down by my first exposure to plant medicines that I just wanted to go home, return back to my former life, go back to work, put the chains willingly back on, and never do this again. Wow! Trying to break free of the hold of culture and the superego is monumental. I was being shown I'm in bondage and I was frightened. I just wanted to return to my master. Talk about Stockholm syndrome. The integration of plant medicine experiences is a multi-year project and little by little I came to understand all the while embracing freedom and clearing out space for that liberty to blossom in my life. The flower has come forth and it's beautiful.

I have many times in this blog space written about my shadow. He is the great magician and controls the material outcomes of this world. I could ask him for anything and he will grant the wish and in return ask for a favour as recompense. I get what I want, fulfill my desires, and he then gains control over me. That's his role in this adventure of life. There's a shortcut to get out of your predicament which is available to you once you discover this guy. I found him and saw how I can serve my cultural corporate masters or I could serve him. Either way, I'm not free. I have been fortunate to be wonderfully naive when I first stumbled onto this power and side-stepped it. Then I was drawn to a great maestro who taught me about the trappings of power while concurrently learning about cultivating and protecting your freedom at all costs.

I'm not really sure why I became enthralled with the idea of freedom? Maybe it is from cultivating the voice within that doesn't like being told what to do? We all have that but soon learn in life to pick our battles and if someone is paying you, you shut up, and just do your job. I'm good at that while retaining an inner fire that still burns with a longing to be free. I've never been happy working but have instead hypnotized myself into accepting this is just how it is.

I remember in my youth the first time I rebelled against being told what to do. My dad told me I needed to cut my hair shorter or I wouldn't be allowed to participate in his church anymore. No more playing on their sports teams. The carrot was dangled in anticipation I would give in and learn to accept authority over myself. I don't know why but something in me said no and I stood my ground. I was 16 at the time and I remember it set off an internal chain of events that had me looking towards leaving home and setting off on my own, no matter how difficult it would be. I was determined to be free.

I stand at the same crossroads and see the pressures of my corporate masters wielding the same knife over me to conform and reaffirm my servitude. I am a really good employee so the battle of wits should get interesting. I know what awaits and I have reconciled with the outcome. I talk a good game of freedom and eventually it is time to act.

It's so funny. I write about freedom all the time. I write about integrity. I champion these values. I'm a worthy foil to my shadow and I know he marvels at the fact I continuously choose freedom over his offers of gobs of power. I mean who does that? I could have it all. I know it. I stand above the crowd and could become uber-successful and win the culture game. I maintain a little freedom over my condition and hide within the corporate world. My shadow is the master teacher and he has taught me to become a warrior. I already had the freedom gene and now he forged steel by adding in some courage and bravery. He has prepared me for the next lesson. The time is now. The lesson is in my face now. Do it. Take back total freedom and escape the prison you have acquiesced to. Fulfill your destiny.

It's coming soon. I had a bunch of time off and realized how much happier and healthier I am while not giving away my life force to some corporate entity that will callously throw me to the curb once I have expended my usefulness to them. I snapped out of the hypnosis and see the enslavement. I have this feeling of hatred of my master that grows every day. I have returned to the feeling of my youth where I knew I had to plot my escape.

My shadow has brought me to this moment, letting me make the continual choices along the way so I can be assured it is my decision. His magic put the necessary events into motion knowing full well what it would take to get me fully awakened and then take the final step into freedom. I trust his guidance and I marvel at watching the narrative crumble. He's the best. Time to enjoy the show.

Concurrent events coalescence into the end of a teaching, graduating, and moving on to the next stage in the course of your life. Failing the semester means you remain trapped in the world, serving another, knowing you struck out in the quest to become free. This whole set up is intriguing. I mean the pandemic has different meanings for everyone and alters the course of their life in different ways. How it will affect me and be part of my curriculum is different than yours. I think the pandemic was something I created because I needed a way to rip myself away from this waste of time called a job. I needed something to wake me up, force me to take stock of my life, and realize I didn't need to do that ridiculous grind anymore. I could take back my freedom.

Time to jump. 

it was always tantra

Little clues always present to me situations which help me to see into the game of suffering. So, here’s the teaching: I play a fantasy baseball game and my team is pretty good. However, when adversity strikes and I’m losing, it gives me a frustrating feeling that I don’t like, especially in the morning if I wake up to failure or bad news. What is interesting is that the failure and bad news for my team is the opposite for my opponent. It’s such a great example of how the suffering in the world works. In order for someone to prosper, someone else has to feel the effects of not getting what they want. If I stop playing these games of one-upmanship then I can bring everything back to net-zero. No pleasure and no pain. The question becomes is that what I want? I get the feeling I/we wouldn’t have manifested if that’s what I/we want. This plane of consciousness is physical duality and it attracts because of the chance for great rewards in a most interesting game. It’s the greatest carnival that has ever existed. It’s the ultimate casino giving you the opportunity to beat the games of chance or perhaps you can use your skills to get ahead and profit off of the suffering of others. They are fair game because they chose to play as well. We are here because we want to be here and experience sensuous duality.

It works similarly with projecting an image of yourself. If someone notices you then chances are they want to become you, possess you, or emulate your life; or alternatively not end up down in the dumps like you if you are depressed or economically disadvantaged. To bask in your awesomeness means taking personal power from someone else. Hey, check out my life, don’t you wish you were me? I have to create an aura of suffering in order to pedestalize myself.

This segues into the next question: What is the reason behind taking a vow of poverty? Why do all the great religious avatars turn away from materialism? In the progression of thought as you come to realize the inescapability of suffering being intertwined with rewards and pleasure, at some point you are faced with a decision that in order to not cause any more suffering would mean essentially that you would no longer seek gain. Poverty is the expression of that sentiment demonstrating you want to escape the game. Knowing that to acquire finite material goods takes away from others, you vow to not participate in activities that will materially enrich you. It's quite the quandary when you realize that the world you have incarnated into demands reconciliation. There’s no escaping this duality of pain and gain.

I didn’t know about this eventual understanding when I embarked upon the spiritual path. I could have sworn my journey would lead me to love, light, and transcendence of my condition. Instead, I get to face the harsh truth of existence. However, I think it’s what I ultimately wanted. I wanted to know. I wonder how liberation can alleviate the pain I see in the world and in the future? Can I take solace in that those who suffer and are feeling this pain is because they haven’t been liberated, think they need more, and haven't accepted the finiteness of the game we are all playing? Is the way out of any predicament you find yourself in thus to not get attached to outcomes that are the result of what you have been told is success? Within your little corner of the earth can anyone just create a life that is simple and fulfilling? Travel is very enlightening in this regard. Comparing your situation to others seems to be where the problems begin and the want to acquire as much material wealth as possible causes the continual suffering. Suffering to yourself and others.

Why is there suffering? Duality and the need to reconcile all acts. I was born into this particular dualistic plane of consciousness with specific senses that will allow me to sink into my desires. The enchantments and addictions are never ending. I constantly seek novelty and another hit of pleasure. If I fully want to go into my desires there are avenues of drugs and like-minded lustful people to satisfy my cravings. It was I who wanted this and so into the world of suffering I incarnated because in order to experience pleasure there has to be the reciprocal pain, so, yes I understand how it works. We all come into this world to experience and be lit up by desire. And even so, we still find present universal love. Sure, we can pervert it and use it to sink further into our desire quest but it is always around as a shining light to help us out of the morass.

Moderation seems to allow you to function in this peculiar world. Let’s be honest, I want the biggest thrill possible. I want to ride that roller-coaster of emotions and experience the highest high. I don’t want the lowest low but I can’t escape it in order to get that high. Moderation also seems to be a way to live in denial of why I incarnated in the first place. I don’t think you’ll get an award or rewards for your exemplary moderation. So, what’s the way to win this game? What’s the way out? I think it’s understanding the relationship between happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain, which leads to an understanding of reconciliation and reciprocity. If you are going to take, you give. Instead of living with moderation where you only take a good amount of food instead of the whole pie, you play net-zero where with each meal taken is given back an exchange of energy. Of course, as a linear thinking man I’d want to micro-manage the exchange and create a scalable system that enforces reciprocity. Ultimately, I think it defeats the purpose. Awareness should get the ball rolling, the opening of your heart will provide the impetus, and a natural desire to give back would be the result.

So, I’m subsequently thinking about planes of consciousness and how it all exists here in the now, everything is with me right here in the middle, but the senses I have been gifted with create my particular world. Psychedelics give you the key to unlock and access a hidden sense perception beyond our ordinary physical senses. The eternal and imperishable beings of love and light I met in an altered state aren’t in some far-off magical land but are here right now with me. I just don’t perceive them with my limited senses. The senses I have are the senses I desired in order that I could fulfill my desires and remain ignorant of planes of consciousness that would prevent me from satiating my many and varied appetites. I wanted to go deep into my lusts and figure out the why and the result of chasing them. Conceptually, I get it! Physically, in this carnival, I long for more cotton candy and another ride on the roller coaster. I don’t know when I’ll give it up or even if I can? I’m aware and I laugh at my predicament. I can watch others fall for the same traps. Hell, of course they do. We all stood in line waiting for a body to inhabit in order to take another ride. Then we create rules to frustrate ourselves. Why not just open it up and make it a free for all? Go right into your desires. I know why - it’s because you’ll infringe on someone else's trip and that’s a no-no. Also, you have to be on the lookout for the control freaks who get their jollies from controlling others. They gravitate towards politics and seek power. These people really suck.

This challenge is unfair. I’m a pulsing bastion of desire. I burn through them only to be confronted and lit up by more. I take the immediate pleasure and try to delay the consequences for as long as possible. Ha ha! I always have to reconcile the pleasure chase! Do I stand back and say, “Nah I’m not doing that; I know the outcome. I’ve been down this road before.” I did that during an Ayahuasca journey. I was repeatedly offered women for my pleasure and I declined. Instead, I said I’m going to stand back and watch it all unfold. Perhaps that me was helping me out. Dionysos teaches the same lesson. Stand back and observe the madness, even join back into the clown world but don’t get trapped and you won’t if you see through the game. Life is a game of enchantment and spells, moving from one to the other, always in search of more novelty, another mountain to climb, until you tire of it. Have I tired of it? I’m getting there. What do I desire? More knowledge I can transmute into understanding. Is that really a desire? Probably. I can’t escape.

Energy that pulses ostensibly with desire is what gives life. When desire wanes, you have death and a rest in peace getting ready for the next adventure. Life is desire and the games we play are a check on eternal boredom. This plane of consciousness is sacred and the grand carnival we all take a turn at. We don’t go every day, however, a trip once a summer is good. When it gets out of hand it leads towards destruction. If I can destroy myself I won’t have to face the ups and downs of that roller-coaster again in this lifetime. I keep forgetting how painful it is and lineup for the next ride and the thrill of it all.

There is a strange split in the pleasure/pain dichotomy in that the pain lasts way longer than the pleasure. In order to keep the pleasure going demands resources, while the pain is free. When regret sinks in we use attachment to dull its effects. The pull for pleasure is so strong we take the risk and live with the consequences. We are an impulsive species always living for the thrill of the moment and having to pay for it later. This behaviour is a clue into our makeup and of course why we are here in the physical world craving the gratification of sensual pleasures available in this meat carnival. It has to be the explanation why each and every one of us are here therefore you can look into everyone’s eyes and say, “You dirty rotten scoundrel. I know why you are here! You’re in search of pleasure just like I am and want to get your fill before departing once again. What an interesting game and character you’re playing so I don’t see through it! How degenerate and disgusting we all really are." Ha ha! There’s nothing to do but laugh and tip your cap to the master dramatist Dionysos.

The reality of it all is I’m in the physical plane with a bunch of degenerates. We were all attracted by the bright lights of the incarnation because we haven’t totally gorged on our sensual fill yet. It’s like the circus that comes to town once a year with the rides and games of chance. It’s exciting and against our better judgment we head off to the centre of town to join in the fun with everyone else. We fill up on cotton candy and the dodgy rides make us a little queasy. A candy apple later and we have a stomach ache. We empty our pockets on games of chance even though we knew it was a losing proposition. We end the day by watching the circus freaks. How macabre.

Incarnating into this world where you have to eat others to survive is also macabre. There’s no getting around it either! It’s part of the game rules we agreed to. We try and skirt the issue by only eating plants with the caveat the vegetarian is likely to become ultra-spiritual, do western yoga, and realize the intelligence of plants thus confronted once again by having to eat fellow sentient beings.

I create a persona to try and hide the fact I’ve incarnated into the sensuous world as a satyr, seeking pleasure, and trying to moderate the pain. I join outfits that paint me as a respectable member of human society, misdirection I suppose, and if the realization of my hedonism gets to me I might just join the church which promises to forgive and save me from the inner guilt that I like pleasure and rewards. It’s all too funny. Why do I care that my motivation is pleasure and think I’m being judged for it by others who can play a similar game of obfuscation of why they are truly here in this strange world? It’s been a long time coming to finally accept this paradigm. I think I did realize it at some point when I tried to escape my predicament. I tried the ascetic life; I stopped eating meat; and I dropped the consumption of alcohol. I didn’t go around posting social media blurbs about my newfound awesomeness however I was quite proud of the straw house of purity I created until the big bad wolf came around and blew the walls down.

How truly bizarre this world is especially now that I can look into the eyes of my fellow incarnated souls in this carnival and know deep down their motivation for being here. It truly is what we wanted and the universe always fulfills what we want. I guess the advice is to be careful what you wish for because as beings of desire you will get what you want. We all wanted this opportunity; the game rules were given to us with no guarantees. No one really likes a game with a predetermined outcome so there had to be an element of chance; the possibility you may end up in a war-torn shithole you had to crawl out of. I got a pretty good roll of the celestial dice and ended up a white, middle class male in the best country on earth! I’ve done well with it and figured out the game. Time to give some of it back and be of service. The Great Goddess teaches me about being true of speech and action. There is something to be said about the saying that the truth shall set you free. Eventually, when you look into her mirror enough times, you drop the act, and see it. It’s liberating to understand, with the corollary I don’t have to beat myself up anymore for my failures that are only inadequacies because of culture. I’m just here getting my fill of desire in this physical world designed to make it all happen, just for you. Enough trips to the carnival and I see it; it was bound to happen.

Bon Appétit!

This was a long post intended to reconcile desire. I now fully understand sexual desire leads to creating new forms, which is the weaving together of energetic patters, and that is the fundamental nature of Tantra. Without the root desire to enable the creation of form, the desire inherent in all energetic being would have no playground in which to fulfill, well, their desires.