pain first

Simulation and fantasy baseball lessons.

If you don't play, you can't be disappointed.

Embrace disappointment if you play.

Cherish it as part of the game.

Without it, there is no game.

Welcome it.

When you acquire power, you rig the game in your favour.

You become a tyrant.

That's what people are doing.

Climbing the ladder.

Getting to the top and rigging the game so they win.

They play a game that is cruel.

It is a game which stops the game.

We seem to all play that one.

What's the answer?

Celebrate a loss.

It's part of the game.

Looking back, what do you think of all your losses?

It's a win.

Why?

I won the game I was looking to win.

What was it?

Get to God, or some kind of spiritual game I was playing.

You aren't sure.

I was up to something.

Those losses gave me the win.

If you win all the time, you won't win the big game.

The advice is to play, not win.

Play keeps the story going.

Winning ends it.

What about a loss?

It ends the game and motivates you.

The worst thing for play is to win.

You stop playing.

What do you think of the game?

I kept playing after I got to God.

People leave after that step.

You get to that place and it's game over.

Yes, but now I'm God and I know I'm not all that special.

I wanted to figure out the game.

I didn't care much for getting to God.

I want to play.

Like I said, I'm happy now.

I feel like playing.

I figured out how to cook my favourite meals.

I know how to have fun.

I like playing spiritual games.

Knowledge and writing.

I'd like someone to play with.

Dion is great.

Others get scared of me.

You are a little much.

Yeah, I know.

It's hard to play with others.

You must avoid the pitfalls and traps.

Why?

They want to beat you.

So, interactions are games.

Yes.

Family is supposed to be a safe space except the two at the head hooked up.

That means it's a game, however it is supposed to be a place of refuge.

You overthink everything with Mary Jayne.

It's the balance to her stoning you.

She addicts you to her stoning, so what she does is you play a game where you overthink everything and then crash out to being stoned.

You love being stoned, so at the outset of the trip your mind crashes out, and you enter the blissful state you were craving.

When she loses her hold on you then you start getting anxious because you can no longer crash your mind out.

Is that what happens to some who think MJ turned on them?

Yes, they could no longer get stoned, and their minds raced.

They must take a break.

They go back to MJ because they healed their mind to the effect they can be stoned once again.

Now, I know you want to examine your relationship with MJ.

Yes, I don't get stoned therefore my mind is in overdrive.

How do you feel about that?

It's great.

You seek out the opposite effect of MJ.

Yes, she is a teacher.

If you were stoned by MJ, you wouldn't like it.

Correct.

Well, if you ever get to that point, then you know you are addicted.

I don't think that will happen.

Why?

My mind won't crash out.

I know it could if I took more.

That's what people are doing.

They take a dose which can short circuit their mind.

They get to that place of happiness and joy.

Exactly.

That's the addiction.

Then they feel free to do what gives them pleasure.

I see that.

Thus, the comment about how strong your mind is.

You don't get stoned.

Hypnotized.

I saw that with Ayahuasca where she was very hypnotic; however, I wouldn't fall under her spell.

Why not?

Whatever the dose is, I didn't get there.

Huachuma was similar where I had a big dose over and over, and I did at times get to a place of cosmic love for all.

I remember those feelings.

It wouldn't last.

Do you think Huachuma came the closest to getting you in a state of permanent bliss?

Yes, I'd say so.

What stopped you?

My mind.

It's too strong.

I know I could take more MJ and be fine, however I have found the doses which are teaching and that's the reason for my use of MJ.

Isn't that addiction?

It could be.

I see that I return for knowledge.

I also return for stories and my friends.

I also like the heightened feelings and awareness.

Isn't that addiction?

Sure.

I mean because you like something, does that make it an addiction?

If so, you can't avoid it.

I think you need to clarify what an addiction is.

Something you feel powerless to stop.

Is it because it's bad for you?

Not necessarily, it could be good or pleasurable.

What about balance?

That would be part of the addiction where you are aware of the boomerang, however you still do it.

You would return to the addiction even though you know of the toxic boomerang.

Is that part of the definition of addiction?

An addiction is something you are powerless to stop even though you are aware of the consequences which can be positive or negative.

Addiction is an awareness of balance and still doing it.

Is that why some people will get addicted to something destructive?

Yes, say a drug they know will cause them pain.

They will do it for the pleasure.

The opposite is at work, and it seems to be the same thing.

Yes, you'd drink alcohol for the pleasure even though you know you will suffer for your choice.

Isn't that the mechanism for drugs?

Yes, however some people want pain.

Why?

To reap the benefits.

Remember we discussed BDSM and how you receive pain first.

It's because the lasting memory in that case is pleasure when it's over.

The reward is at the end.

So, you're saying the smart choice is to take the pain first.

If you feel you must make a choice.

So, don't play?

No, that's boring.

So, do play?

Yes.

Don't you make a choice for pain first then?

No, you don't make the choice.

Your playmate does.

How does this work with MJ in that she will stone you or make your mind race?

You let her make the choice.

She doesn't stone me.

That's not from a lack of trying.

Got it.

What about you?

I am present.

So, I'm not addicted to her?

You are playing.

That's how you play.

You let the other choose and you will win.

If you don't want the game to end, then don't run up the score but know you can win if you want.

You win by going with the flow.

Same with MJ where you go for a walk and don't force the issue.

When you force the issue, you are vying for control over the game.

Trying to get control over the game will eventually cause pain because once you get control, you will direct the adventure to what you want.

Obviously, you want to win the game, so that's why you seek control to get the outcome you desire.

I'm telling you that is how you lose.

You let your opponent take power because they will make a mess of it.

They will choose to take advantage of power and not realize the coming boomerang.

Is this how I keep winning in life?

Yes, you go with the flow and don't seek power.

By doing this it is recognized you are power.

Power does not seek power.

Power has no need for power.

Why would power need power?

What would power do with power?

Give it away.

When you give it away, you get it back.

You can't hang onto it.

All who seek power wish to then hang onto it and therefore lose it.

You give it away, and it returns.

ambrosia

Hang out on the edge of lust.

The feeling is indescribable.

The most intense one yet.

Then it got a little bit ruined.

Because you like the ruin.

You like a little bit of pain.

We have it all for you here at lust's bend.

The cyclical farce of the spiritual trip leads back to the sexual.

To sit in bliss and rapture is to taste the ambrosia of the gods.

To be divine and watch the drama of Dionysos unfold with your cup of lust in hand offered freely by the Great Goddess.

I now understand meditation so you can observe the pleasure.

The spiritual man eventually folds in on himself, back to a state of primal bliss, with not a care in the world.

I sense the shortcuts to a taste of bliss through narcotics are meant to tempt and destroy.

The natural way to this realm of ecstasy seems to be the goal of the spiritual trip that is well hidden from view.

With narcotics, the siren call leads to your demise.

I know the way in with stories.

Maybe a good story is the ultimate drug?

It's a combination of the divine feminine and masculine.

The feminine has the lust drug and the masculine writes the story.

Together, they are what you are looking for.

I see why the adepts ran away up the mountains and became hermits.

The holy sect wanted to go into rapture for as long as possible.

The distractions of civilization will constantly bring you out of the state of pleasure, so you find a place on a mountain where you can be alone for weeks at a time.

It makes sense now.

We think they are in communion with the divine.

They are spiritual jerk offs.

It is a state of bliss.

It is a state of indescribable pleasure.

It is communion with the divine that is highly sexual and that conflicts with my notions of the divine.

I must let my preconceived ideas fall away.

My stories take me there and then I must let them go and stop the play, so I can just sit with pleasure.

The tempting aspect is finding the story that does it for you, takes you to the edge, and then you wonder, is this the story I will act out in my life?

Can I then get double the pleasure?

From this you see pathology, fetishes, and the unexplainable explained, though I'm not sure the victim of lust is aware of what's going on.

I have awareness.

I see how powerful this lust drug is.

You were supposed to be spiritual, and you ended up sexual.

It's because they're both the same.

If you take the spiritual path full circle, it becomes sexual.

heart magic

The latest road I have traveled is teaching me about the writer. I already had the knowledge, I just had to coalesce all into understanding. His dual nature spawns awareness as he observes his avatar and writes the next chapter. The writer puts his likeness into situations to see how he will react to learn about self. The observer is the divine masculine scientist. The writer has access to magic and for the intrepid explorer this is always dark at first. Discovering a part of you that can manifest your desires and have a semblance of control over events is intoxicating for the vulnerable human. Running this experiment repeatedly gives predictable results. Eventually, you want to introduce more variables into the equation and see what the result is - if you are the curious cosmic scientist with clipboard in hand.

What would be a good variable to insert into the acquisition of power via magic? I am referring to love and this is why: I have found on this path of knowledge that what I seek is balance, however all discoveries at first are heavily tilted in one direction. For instance, something as noble as a quest for spiritual enlightenment becomes biased towards a right-hand path which leads to the glorification of self. It becomes another ego trip. It's so easy to see. Just go on the internet and seek out these spiritual personalities. My advice is to adopt a teacher who is dead or at least find someone whose personality is unassuming.

Another example would be discovering sex when we hit puberty. We want to bathe in that feeling of pleasure without understanding the sacredness of it. It can be easy to divorce sex from love and get your fill, however finding a partner to share in a union is way more fulfilling. Also, when we discover we have an advantage over someone due to knowledge or intellect, it is tempting to take advantage of that relationship and monetize it. It's the way of the world mixed in with external mind control. We are all puppets, triggered by repetitious adverts that direct our lives.

I have walked a curious path; a path laid out for me that awaited discovery. Free will made it so I would take up this path of my own accord and the experiment could be run in a fashion that was as pure as possible. I took the step into the labyrinth of self in middle age. Eventually, I learned about magic. I remembered my lessons. I knew how to bring all to centre and into balance. Heart Magic.

I'm part of this experiment. I know I can get what I want, and I've seen it at work. I've always had a perceived free will, and my strange path to this power went through the heart. My stumbling unto the path of magic and power was because of a quest to contact the Great Goddess. I lacked understanding of who she was, but I felt her calling and followed the path to her doorstep. Subsequent understanding revealed she is my heart. She is the principle of love within this universe. When presented with the opportunity to get what I want, I soon had to reconcile this with my truth. My magic can be of a path to power if I so chose. It's black magic and I can fulfill all my wishes and damn the consequences. I know from the teachings of the maestro and the Mesa that with this power one must reconcile the opposites or else you will destroy yourself and others. I know the goal is to bring all into the centre, which the pre-Columbian masters in the Andes called the chaupi. It's the centre of centres and this place refers to the heart. The transformational process is called tinkuy. The physical location is Chavín de Huantar in the Peruvian Andes. The temple is designed to remind you to reconcile all opposites to centre.

This is the test. I'm an avatar of the divine masculine given knowledge and power. I have to understand it first. And then how am I going to use it? I cleared my mind and knew what I wanted. I saw back into my childhood and early life, and I know my mission in life. I know if I don't try to fulfill that mission I'm going to wither away. The path towards what I seek has been revealed to me and then I was presented with a challenge. I could dull the pain and get temporary relief by casting a spell. I could grab what I want, or I could elevate the experience into one which involves the heart. The tempting solution is instant gratification which I know will lead to a rocky future. I've learned some lessons in this life and the big one is to use the magic of love. Not a crass form of desire fulfillment through love magic but to send out the vibration of the heart and in turn form a balanced love. I want this to last and stand the test of time. I can temporarily get what I want but eventually she always leaves me when the spell wanes. It's like a timer starts counting down the moment the Goddess is back in my arms. The lesson is on repeat and finally I have to change my ways and approach this using what I know. I can get what I want but what do you really want?

Selfishness dissolves away and I offer myself in love.

questioning spirituality

Our brains are linear. They have been conditioned in this regard. It's how we think and make sense of our world. If you discover a method which allows release from this modality, then different avenues of cognition open to you. I have been looking for a way to explain being able to see into the future. It's been a few years since I realized time is a dubious human discovery. Because we have senses and delineate, this allows us the power of observation. We are objectification machines, and we use it well. We track and mark the movement of objects and thus create a system of time. Our system of time is based on the sun. Days and the year are the cycle of the sun. The seven-day week and the months owe their genesis to the moon. Our conditioning forces us into patterns of thought which cannot break free of an orderly and linear design of the universe which marches through time.

Without the ability to objectify, time would not exist. This plane of consciousness we inhabit with our senses is a world of duality and thus time governs us. Time is a lazy jailer as it doesn't have to do anything to keep us imprisoned. We create the jail cell ourselves and lock ourselves in. If we stray from the prison yard, the inmates rat on us. They first use the tactic of shame and make us question ourselves. You're crazy! They poke around and find out what is the cause of you straying from orthodoxy. Don't think for yourself. Leave complex matters for experts. Drugs are bad. Stay away from them as it is a blot on your good character. If you get past the gates of society then will come you've changed accusations and drugs are making you crazy. As society progressed and we became intellectually enlightened, we took it upon our collective self to criminalize agents of consciousness. If you wanted to escape the mental prison, you risked being locked up in a physical prison. The game is designed so you will not escape. For most they won't even try to run. They will just accept it. The runner must be resolute in their decision and willing to leave it behind.

This trip since middle age has been utterly fascinating. I never dreamed I would get to these points of awareness. I had no idea of what awaited discovery. I had to unlock modes of cognition to proceed.

Earth is a school for awareness. Your energetic signature unlocks awareness through incarnation. You add this skill to your sum. How about that answer to the meaning of life? We come here to make sense through our senses. Time creates order out of chaos. We crave this order in our masculine world. Order comes from chaos, light from darkness. A unique perspective reveals a whole new way of perception. In this world there is time, and eternity reveals itself from moment to moment. In the world of chaos, everything just is, it has already happened and to reveal it just needs a structure. We create a timeline which allows us to make sense of it all. The clever seeker in a world of form will realize this and then be able to poke holes in the fabric of being.

The modality to do this must be discovered and then comes the need to stop listening to others' interpretations and advice. At first, culture set up religious institutions to keep people away and it worked for a long time. As a species we were obedient and bequeathed our inquisitive nature to an intermediary. We allowed those who wanted to keep us imprisoned to be responsible for our freedom. Thus, we remained locked up. When you break past these barriers it isn't over. There is always a spiritual element to the game and an appeal to some concept of a higher self. When you are onto the game, the cultural shepherds are still waiting for you. The final boss awaits. You've seen past the veil so now what? Attached to discovery is altruism. For some strange reason if you approach the big secret, then the ego requires you to cultivate a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You become of service and therefore the game can continue for others as you are neutered.

What a crock! I know so many people who are doing just this. The spiritual trip is so fun and allows you to abrogate the responsibilities of incarnation. They all knew this earth game we are playing is toxic and looked for a way out. They peeked behind the curtain and faced the dissolution of preconceived thought patterns. Then we all face the big question: What do I do with this knowledge? The default is you become spiritual! I feel like intellectually raging at this golden chain. I remember Ram Dass giving a lecture about the idea of the golden chain of righteousness. Spirituality leads to this golden chain where you must put on airs and graces and avoid scandal. Why is there this connection to unlocking universal secrets and being good?

One answer that jumps out at me is love. I've come across it a lot in my journey and in terms of resonance I understand love is what we seek. A taste of love is bliss. So, the question becomes what is the best method towards getting people to that place of love? The path I chose will allow you to touch that love to which I refer. That's when the next wave of trouble begins and we become spiritual. However, look around you. We live in a place of ungodly suffering. You can't escape it. If love is the ultimate answer, then why does this hellhole called earth exist? The universe can be cruel. To live one must cause suffering. In turn we suffer. Suffering is the path towards finding the love you seek. When all else fails, a good dollop of suffering will snap you out of whatever ails you and direct you towards love.

Plant medicines showed me a world of spirituality and I got a great understanding of it. I'm not sure they made me spiritual. They showed me where I wasn't spiritual for sure and I followed a path which revealed I was no Jesus in a white robe. I saw Goddess and God. I saw who I am. I don't feel a need to become holy because of it. I am at the point now in my "spiritual" journey where I laugh at people who become spiritual because of psychedelics and plant medicines. I laugh because of experience. These substances reveal who you are, and for most of us it's hard to accept the truth. Deflecting your degeneracy through embracing spirituality is a smart play. You can postpone the realization for a bit.

For me, the realization has come. The Great Goddess laid it on thick. Here's what you do and the results of your actions. You're special. You got quite the game going on to get you the thrills you need to control your vibration. You know how to smooth it out and go searching for the hit every now and then. Apollo is brilliant and figured it all out!

I've got redeeming qualities. I like helping people. I like doing things for people. I like seeing people happy. I like making animals happy.

I know what she is going to teach me next. Purity and vibration. She is going to show me how pure true love is. If you want to stay high and never come down, love is the pure substance you are looking for. Without it you are forever trapped in the cyclic vibration of high and low. So, if you want off the wheel, you gotta come to love. Simple!

I'm not interested in utopia. We do-gooders try to usher in an altruistic paradise in hell. I don't want to create a world of love. It's all perfect. I want there to be suffering on this earth. My selfishness that keeps me going to know all leaves a trail of indifference, destruction, and suffering. If I were a great and loving being, I would have been stopped dead in my tracks. The dragon in me propels me along a path of discovery which is what I've desired all along.

I don't want to be spiritual. I don't want to think I must be of service or have integrity. Reciprocity should just flow and not be a conscious duty. Those qualities I will demonstrate by my actions and let the chips fall where they may. They are a byproduct of my life. The other may judge how successful or what a failure I am regarding these principles. I don't want a white robe or an acknowledgement of transcending the morass of humanity. My animating path is a quest to discover it all. It's a never-ending ride on the cosmic wave of being.

stories

I am locked in a life puzzle where I'm trying to figure out the reason why something happened. Given enough time I can run through the gamut of possibilities and this exhaustive search also contains the part where I let go of my bias and see the situation free of my own denials. I then can whittle down the possibilities to say four reasons why the situation unfolded in the manner it did. After this process I use my inner computing power to select a reason. I'm aware there're other influences on that reason which may include the other candidates, but this satisfies my inquiry.

I practice a form of meditation called mindfulness where I just clear my mind and let the thoughts come to me. I try not to spin them but just observe. This process is valuable because the answers with the strongest vibration are what makes it through the noise. When I did this with the life puzzle at hand, the vibrations that made it through presented the different scenarios as the answer. We are conditioned to only accept one answer and discard the rest. This creates our reality.

Where this got fun is I chucked my preconceived notions of reality. The use of psychedelic drugs has expanded my consciousness and within this awareness is a grasping of different planes of reality. These different frequencies of manifestation all deal with the same energy with the caveat being the energy is perceived in a different form on each level. So, if at one level Goddess and God are separated, in our level this means creation flourishes. If at one level God remains asleep, then at this level our universe continues as it is but a dream. When he wakes up then we will be witness to the destruction of our world. If God wakes up slowly, we will observe little pockets of the calamity to come until he gets out of bed and the world blows up. I don't know how many levels there are. I've read about seven but one thing I have learned on my fantastic voyage is to verify everything through experiential means. In other words, don't take anyone's word for it. If I experience it, then I will try to bring that back into my world using words to try and understand it. I have been witness to a level where all is one. Undifferentiated and within is contained all possibilities. A level below that is Goddess and God. The first pair. I see them as serpent and jaguar. From these two is created a child who is Eros. Desire then makes our world come alive. A frequency below my world is a realm of mystery and magic. So, that's five I count.

That's a way I make sense of what I have experienced and have no expectations anyone will accept or care about what I have come to understand. It should be that way because you need to experience this yourself. Where things got interesting for me lately is in the way of perspective. So, I can be witness to multiple planes of reality, but I also started to realize that within my normal frequency of perception there are multiple ways to interpret the presentation of events. If I change my perspective viewpoint, I can see the answer differently. This means that all the possibilities I considered are true depending on how I approach the situation. I saw multidimensional reality within a container that also is multidimensional. The only way to gain temporary understanding is to compartmentalize because the possibilities are endless if you don't. If you aren't selective, you will just drive yourself crazy. There is a need to settle on an interpretation and then focus on an answer based on that reality.

I recently started to figure this out. I knew I had to heal the hurt in parallel dimensions and then it would make sense. At the time it didn't make sense. The viewpoint I had made created a lack of understanding. The fissure is multidimensional. I needed to alter my vibration and be open to the knowledge that pours in. Why is this happening? What is the reason as revealed in a higher dimension?

I used to laugh at the airhead new agers when they would talk about frequencies and dimensions. It's different since my last trip to Peru. The flighty were witness to it but couldn't articulate the experience without sounding like they were nuts and full of woo. I should be able to explain it. I think this explanation will encompass why things are happening here at this level.

I now know how to change my vibration and enter different dimensions of energy, creating multiple dramas. I have made that my intention when working with plants and the experience was surprising in that I was going to be patient. They say patience is a virtue and thus I'm the most virtuous person in the world. I can have the patience of a saint though I freely admit I have put myself in situations where that patience is a silent killer. I want a resolution now and to get on with things! I internalize this and wait, sometimes dying a slow death. So, in this case I wasn't expecting the answer right away but as with a lot of my seeking I already had the knowledge and the answer. It was just a matter of remembering and applying the answer to my question.

When I first drank Ayahuasca I realized it was through changing vibration that I accessed obfuscated forms of consciousness. The Great Goddess even told me so. After frightening myself, I eventually returned to the Great Goddess, and she let me into her castle made of gold. She was locked away in this fortress; a prisoner of her husband the dragon. I wondered why she would marry such a monster? She sent me away to slay the dragon and I dutifully obeyed. My quest revealed to me that I was the dragon. It's really a multidimensional story when you have a hard think about it. I did the work, opened my heart, and freed the Goddess.

Adapting to a way of thinking multidimensional is cool because I can accept all answers to the life problem I faced. They are all valid and I was satisfied with that knowledge because I saw in each solution kernels of truth and now, I don't have to toss out any of these theories. Within the tight frequency I operate in, there are multiple stories emanating from them. I'm free to pick which story I want to craft my reality. I must admit at this stage of my level of consciousness exploration the supernatural one is a good drama. This gives my life adventure and thrills. Within this life event I saw this drama play out, but I kept it on the periphery because it isn't accepted in our world. It's a flight of fancy. The thing is I saw it go down in real time. I wrote about it and I knew it was true. When my life story spiraled out into a crash, I let that story go and clung to a more mainstream idea of why I experienced the failure I did. I'd like to revisit that and re-write the chapter. I'm going to draft a magic story. This should be fun. Here it is.

A crack in reality opens the door. Once I get a glimpse or a small look into the nature of something it becomes a matter of time before the dam breaks. You see this with the collective human intellect throughout history. Once we get a small understanding of something, eventually it will blossom into revealing the inner workings of the universe. In my personal exploration of the subconscious, a small bit of understanding will reveal itself fully in the days to come.

The epiphanies come out of the blue and lately I've requested them. I wanted more knowledge, so I asked. How about this one: Life experiences are clues to the game. The major happenings in your life have the most potential to awaken you though not always. Sometimes I've gone about this in the wrong order. I've understood spiritual concepts and then it unfolded within my life. I saw the separation of Goddess and God on a higher plane of consciousness and realized this separation was the impetus behind creation. The divorce created duality and the fruit from their union was a child who is the universe. In my little life on earth, I searched for the Goddess and found her. I couldn't hang onto her and she left me again. The clues all align. The coming child calms the dragon, so he won't destroy the world.

My experience in this lifetime reveals I've done a similar journey. The goal of my spiritquest was to find her and then see if you are ready to solve the puzzle and beat the game. I can now get to the point in the game where I know how to find her, get in her presence, and have a relationship with her. I haven't figured out how to beat the game. She always leaves. I got really close this time. I think I know the answer. It's because the goal of the game is to make her mine and that's what drives her away. The goal of the game is different than what I think it is. My block is to do with possession as opposed to an equal partnership.

It's a startling video game analogy I'm dealing with. Do I use my available health to continue and try to get past this level that keeps tripping me up? I drove her away. I don't know if it is even possible or if I have made the game impossible now. If it is impossible then I'm going to destroy the world. I'll hit reset on the gaming console. I'll blow it up next year and start the game again. I'll have to get to the point where I find her again and somehow not screw that one up. I'm surprisingly good at the game now, so I can find her around pyramids but then I must try something different. I've put so much time into this life I must exhaust the possibilities before I hit reset.

The above is a good story. We all tell stories. It's how we make sense of the world. In my current life situation, I have about five stories on the go to find an answer for why things are happening the way they are. Then I'll watch a TV program or read something on the internet that has a connection to the events I've experienced, and I'll weave into the drama the latest ideas I have come across. I just did it and laughed. I whispered to myself, "stories." Magic can be fulfilled by getting another to lock to your story. It's a huge clue into the inner workings of magic and not surprising it took a lifetime to see it. I have been aware our lives are a story we tell ourselves and that so much of society is based on getting you to buy into the dominant narrative. It's constant. I see with incredulity why it is done. That's all we have at the end of the day. A story. So, guess what? I have a good story I want to write. The drama is going to be phenomenal.

I'll call it the sorcerer and the witch of the north. 

state of no mind

Life rolls along and my spiritual journey rolls with it. When the heat was turned up way back in 2013 and I faced a healthy dollop of fear, I didn’t think things would ever compare to what I faced. The fear was direct and tangible from which I had to spend almost a year recovering. I learned self-mastery because of walking through the fire and then like all fallible mortals, I let the mastery slide. However, when faced with the challenge, I rose to the occasion and got past my fear, which of course was a necessity if I wished to continue enrolled in the master class.

Once I sailed on past fear, I started to experience some things that were new to me. I encountered this feeling of cosmic love, which engulfed me. The love was bliss, yet so strange. Never had I felt this way before, and it was clear love was the answer and the way to live our lives. I wasn't at the point in the course where I was to walk the path of the heart back home; instead, I was given a taste of what is to come. I still thirsted for knowledge, and I had to reconcile with my darkness, all before walking home.

The great gift of meditation or any modality that quiets the mind is in the process of becoming pure awareness. Stopping the spin puts you into the state of pure consciousness. Subsequently, you can engage the mind and see you'll never walk the path of the heart through the mind. Aha! That's how I will find the way back home. The state of mind flipped to the state of no mind. Did you know that the Quechua word for Huachuma, the sacred cactus of the Andes, means “no head”. It is said the cactus gives you the keys to heaven. Pretty good clue!

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru Maharaji-ji telling him to "Love all and tell the truth." This sent him for a mental loop because the truth was he didn't love everybody. The teaching was at odds with what he perceived and caused a mental meltdown. Love all and tell the truth is a master kōan. The design of the request is meant to force you to tie yourself up in a mental knot trying to achieve spiritual mastery. For sure, if I'm enlightened, I have to love all and tell the truth. The dissonance between the truth and reality that you don't love everyone is a pretty tough swallow and deep down we all know we are spiritual frauds because this one is the showstopper.

The heart course requires you to experientially learn the lessons. The mind spins and creates falsehoods. As long as you engage the mind, you will never reconcile love and truth. When you release yourself from the grip of the mind, you clearly see love and truth are inexorably intertwined. Awareness just is. What just is, is the simple truth. A simple and profound truth. The truth behind the veil is the one begets the many and thus the question of love and forgiveness of self. Do you love you? This is all me.

I can see another crossroads coming up in the distance. The game is unravelling before my eyes. I have figured out the cosmic joke and can now laugh about it. I'm in hell and I'm a co-creator and co-conspirator of the cosmic game board which when I rolled snake eyes, I found myself in the lower regions. I've racked my brain trying to figure out why I'm here. What did I do to get myself sent to hell? For sure, I'm not like the others. I've always felt an outsider while wondering how people fit in so easily to culture. I've always wanted to be left alone and create my own bubble. The situation does not add up. I’m different. This must be a mistake.

Yeah, I know, it's not a mistake. My attachment to desire and the requisite suffering is clear. Sure, I've polished my gemstones and am nearing the end of the curriculum of incarnations, but the glass isn't pure as of yet. Desire has waned and my life has taught me the consequences of my actions and the suffering I perpetuate upon not only myself but the world. I know I won't change the world overnight but I know I can work on myself and polish up that old chestnut so it shines and go from there.

This world is meant to cause suffering as the result of our choices and actions. Or the opposite. The cycle is on repeat, and the heavy hammer of suffering keeps banging us over the head to no avail. Eventually, some will wake up. It's a given. You do what you can to relieve suffering while knowing it must be this way. As Ram Dass would explain, "All suffering is grace" and he would qualify the statement by saying it sure is a stinker and tough to swallow.

The path of the heart is the toughest course of them all. The intense fear of the spiritual novice is no longer present, and I can't lose myself in extricating myself of that challenge. The quest for knowledge with its frustrations and unbelievable exhilaration has been quenched. The reconciliation with my brother, the other, the prince of darkness, has happened and I accepted who I am and what I can do. I hold the power in my hands and can manifest whatever it is I desire. I knew enough to let it be, both subconsciously and by my own blundering self. I sat at the feet of the maestro warning me of power and how we all seek it out. I learned his lesson plan and though tempted by power and control, it's not what I wanted. I knew my path was the path of the heart. Ever since I found her in Egypt, I knew I would walk home to my mother. It is the reason I have done this trip.

So, I see it approaching in the distance. I can let go of the attachments. I know they weigh me down and keep me here on earth. I keep tempting myself with more and more fulfillment of various desires, yet the path of the heart is now lit up; so, even if I veer off it, I can easily re-find it. I've boiled it down to making choices; choices that I make with free will in which I know of the consequences of the actions I take. My choices are tilted towards the heart, and I see the weights that are keeping me here are being lifted. As they fall away, I see the beauty and the ugliness of the present. I'm aghast at the insanity and suffering found here on earth and I can't shake this feeling anymore that I've done most of the work and I'm getting ready to leave. Giving the heart wings to love all unconditionally without attachment shows you the way out. I know now death is the doorway.

I see the exit. The choice is to leave or take the bodhisattva vow and become of service to help others find the way out.

I shed the attachments that imprison me and will open myself to all. I am to become of service; however, not become attached to the other or the outcome.

The world is a carnival of delights with the madhouse inviting you in for a ride. I'm weary and wary of the roller coaster and I'm not keen on the prospect of ever returning. Yet, I see what is needed more than ever are beings of service who can teach awakening and point the way towards the truth and the heart. I don't have to wait until the next incarnation. I'm at the point where I can do this now.

good trip bad trip

Plant medicine experiences run the gamut of human extremes. In other words, a trip can be very enlightening or paradoxically it can send you into the darkest depths of your soul. The yo-yo is hard to take and is a major reason why a lot of seekers will give up the use of mind-altering substances on the spiritual path. They will develop a narrative which obfuscates the real reason why they eschew the plant medicine modality. After your first taste of the light and the dark with the master teachers, the clock starts ticking, the hour glass is flipped over, and you have a short time to reconcile the madness. You can run but you cannot hide and to continue with the plants demands one become a warrior. Strange enough, once you pick up your sword your courage multiplies exponentially and the game of good trip, bad trip becomes something to look back at and smile upon. What an exquisite game!

The plant medicine path is a path of reconciliation. The first obstacle is presented as the polar extremes of light and dark which come at you as good trip, bad trip, and without passing this test you are done. Failed the class and now the decision to retake the test or drop out. It's an ingenious way to determine if there is a hint of courage or bravery within the epidermis of self. Without the warrior mentality, failure is assured. Advancing beyond the fear grants one the opportunity to explore and in the process of searching for the answers, which originally led you to the plants, you develop a clarity that allows you to see beyond the veil and discover who you are and why you are doing this.

Good trip/Bad trip was the primer. Clarity reveals the creation of your world is the result of this paradigm where the objectification of your polar extremes enables the mind to go into default separation mode and bring the world to life. You know light and dark, hot and cold, happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain and everything in between. Life is made possible through separation and the experiences that populate the journey from one extreme to the other. All is well and good except that it isn't. The extremes that bring the game to life lack love and compassion.

The first part of the plant medicine journey which involves fear of the unknown is akin to the archetypal hero's journey. It's an adventure that takes you around the world in exploration to find the meaning of life and eventually the signs point towards going within. Upon exploration of your inner world, soon you encounter the dragon and this astronomical fear from the beatdown demonstrates that you are no hero. You are no warrior; just a soft human being living on the periphery of life ensconced in some mental adventure buoyed by books and the tales of others. This game is for keeps and this hero certification isn't handed out like a weekend workshop demonstrating you are good to go. Oh, hell no! You have a lot of work ahead of you and you have to demonstrate you are worthy or get out of the way and let someone else give it a go.

Crunch time asks the questions: Why are you doing this? What are your intentions? You start to see the available power and most take up the offer to enrich their human life. The majority of potential heroes fall by the wayside and the remainders still on the path are a scant few by this point. Your intentions are necessarily pure and have to revolve around a creed of service or there is actually no way to make it this far. Your choices determine your status along the path in a way that no flowery turn of phrase could fool the gods. You are an open book.

What does this service entail? At the core of service is the leading of one towards the knowledge of God. The knowledge of God is discovered by going within, walking through the door of knowing that is beckoning you to enter, and finding what you are looking for by yourself. One in service will point the way and support you in your journey. The knowledge of God is designed to transform by showing you that hurting the other is to hurt yourself. The suffering in the world is the result of this otherness. Love everyone, serve everyone, and remember God.

The hero's journey is the path of awakening. Bring forth the light within. Burying the light creates the suffering in the world. Your solemn duty is to cultivate and bring forth the spark that lies within you which has been buried by concepts of identity and culture. The hero's journey is essentially the quest to find God. Once found, we get down to business and the meaning of life. The meaning, if there is one, is to take our polar extremes which manifest creation and temper them with the love of the Goddess. God awakens and then searches for her. She is the one who makes him complete and transforms the metal into gold. It's the long way around to re-discovering that love is indeed the key to life.

access to power

You can create an axis mundi, which is an access to power, anywhere on the earth. It’s the genius of the spherical shaped planet we call home. The potential to become power is always present but unless you discover and figure it out, you’ll go to your grave oblivious to its secret. At Chavín de Huántar, the axis mundi was designated at a spot where two rivers meet in a valley plain. The stone idol worshipped at Chavín, we call the lanzon, is an amalgamation of all the forces in the universe into the one.

The artistry is peculiar and unique to not only the era but also the modern human. Form is present though all is encapsulated within the one image. It is an ingenious way of depicting chaos; chaos being non-differentiated unity and this structure represented crystallized power at Chavín. The unleashing of the power was the coming forth of the god as a jaguar. Placed in an underground labyrinth, the god's height allowed them to inhabit a representation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper regions. In addition, the lanzon's placement was such that on the solstices the rising and setting sun would enlighten the large lance-like monolith. It is truly the temple of the jaguar and ceremony was performed where the adherent would transform into the jaguar as the power was unleashed within. Chavín de Huántar was at the time one of the most powerful places upon earth.

The axis mundi is the mythological tree of life. Eternal life is the secret it holds; however, be aware the chalice of immortality is guarded by the dragon. To access power is to slay the dragon. The path will take you inwards to the ultimate conundrum which is that you are the dragon. The Goddess gave me the strength and courage to pick up my sword and continue on in this journey where I would slay the dragon. That’s what she told me but she knew all along the process of discovery would lead to discovery of the identity of the dragon and a subsequent liberation of both her and the adversary I entered into battle with. The access to power is the stuff of what could be termed magical. It’s not instantaneous and takes time, patience, discipline, and understanding. Who would have thought magic involved the disciplinary arts? Isn’t it all instantaneous hocus pocus? You set up your axis mundi, slowly build upon it, get to know all the pieces on the game board, and come to understand the interplay of the opposites and the roles they play in this great drama. You let go of preconceived notions, prejudices, and cultural blocks. The blocks to clear are the cautions to stay away from the occult and the dark forces of magic. From this point you need a catalyst. The catalyst is something that will activate the power within. For me, it is Mapacho Tobacco. The great teacher unlocks the power within my form. Subsequently, at my Mesa I perform ceremony and ritual which potentiates the energy at this most holy power centre. The power envelops and rises within my form. The load on my body is electrifying. I am but a novice so I haven’t fully learned to channel the energy as of yet. Honestly, I’m amazed at how I have freed the power within my Mesa which is based upon what the great maestro don Howard, Otorongo Blanco of the Upper Amazon taught me. It’s been a multi-year project where I did not seek out power but was instead faithful to respect and ritual at my Mesa. 

The gift of conscious awareness comes from the Goddess and her birthing of forms. She then takes away awareness through death and dissolution. The hidden path is the journey of discovery and subsequent combining of your consciousness to your energetic signature. It is the forging of steel through the union of awareness and energy in the fires of this hell tempered by the love of the Goddess. My eternal vibration will become inexorably aware. Eternal life for conscious awareness is what I'm up to. My shadow I discovered is this divine masculine energy. He is God. He is power. He is only a shadow because I denied and buried him deep. Recovering the knowledge of his presence and guiding hand is healing. My super power is consciousness. The divine masculine offers indestructible life. This is the essence of my destiny and my path going forth for the rest of my life. I accessed the fount of power but somehow knew enough what to do with it thanks to the lessons from the feminine divine.

So, I was standing at my Mesa last night lit up with power — both the Mesa and myself. I thought back to the origins of this journey I am on. The path I’m walking was an invitation presented to me by the Great Goddess whom I discovered in Egypt. She invited me to find her. I found her in the Amazon jungle. Once found, she implored me to free her. Take up your sword and slay the dragon! Here I am. I went after him and he beat me into a pulp. I retreated, regrouped, and came back. I didn’t chase his power even though there was lots of it offered to me. I kept true to my word and went after him as I promised the Goddess. Eventually, my noble intention was honoured. The dragon let me into his inner circle. I wasn’t after power. I sought liberation and knowledge. I had the antidote to the chains of both Goddess and God. Through discovering it was I who was the dragon, I freed the Goddess and myself.

As the rising power rippled through my being last night I thought of don Howard; primarily, his example and subtle words. He would sit a group of us down and talk about power. Having access to it and being tempted and seduced by its call; like he knew something about this journey we were about to undertake. He never showed his cards. I think he relied on the medicine to reveal what he hinted at and was preparing us for the choice. As part of the lesson he would talk about ayni. Everything is this world is connected and thus reciprocal. You take and you give back. It’s the scales of reciprocity. When you apply this lesson to power you clearly see why power corrupts. The siren song of taking the power offered will get you. Every time. When you take power as offered you are in debt and then come the interest payments and requirement to offer something back in return. We were instructed to set intentions and thus make grandiose promises but soon we are monetizing our newfound access to power and figuring out how we are going to take advantage of our boon.

To be liberated is to live in obscurity. Don Howard kept a low profile and he was the greatest man I ever met. Seriously, that man sat on a goldmine and had knowledge and know how that dwarfed all others yet he was in service to the greater good. He made a promise to raise consciousness for the good of all and did not waver from that promise. His legacy lives on in the spirit of those whom he touched and got the message. I’ve been fortunate enough to surround myself with some of those people. I looked back last night on the journey and realized I could not have done it without him. My Mesa I stand in front of in service is a direct result of don Howard. He showed me the set up; explained the principles; and sent me home with my interest piqued. I gradually assembled my Mesa and in this last year placed the Lanzon in the centre and thus discovered the secret of its power. My Mesa is lit.

greater than the gods

I’m greater than the gods! Got your attention, didn’t I?

Why do we need to go into our shadow? You know, shadow work. The primary reason is to explore what you have buried, life traumas, issues you have not come to terms with, or haven’t accepted nor integrated into your life as of yet. Childhood traumas are a huge issue for a great deal of adults. There comes a great catharsis, relief, and letting go from acknowledging, coming to terms with, forgiving, and letting go of these energetic holds upon your condition. I lay claim to none of that as my childhood was relatively happy and I have no issues to explore from that period of my life that need closure. For sure, like every human on this planet, I have had some slights or difficult situations that have influenced the shaping of my life. I don’t talk about them but I haven’t buried them. Instead, I have chalked them up to experience.

So, personally examining shadow work is wanting to explore what makes me tick. When I reach deep down and need courage, or motivation, or to rise to the occasion to whom do I call on? When I need someone to blame for my shortcomings, who is there to take responsibility? Society? My parents? My shadow? These desires that keep tripping me up - where do they come from? Must be my shadow, right? The shadow is the toy box where everything is dumped into at the end of the day. There’s something comforting about having a reliable punching bag, holder of repressed emotions, and general scapegoat to lay off all my inadequacies.

The shadow is present within all life forms however it is only us humans that bury this part of us. Shadow is a misnomer; he is the divine masculine energy that pulses throughout the universe, enlivening the forms constructed by the divine feminine. So, it stands to reason that when you go off on a journey to find yourself you will encounter this god, entity, being, spirit, dragon, jaguar, adversary, and so on. And the same situation will occur with the feminine in the form of a goddess, lover, maiden, succubus, and fairy. This I write with some authority as I have experienced them both on this journey and they are conceptually my cosmic parents though it goes much deeper than that recognition in that as a gendered male I am both father and son. What I’m trying to get at in this musing is that every one of us human forms is a distinct biological form containing within them the same two spirits as mentioned above. The shadow I can discover, who at first meeting will scare the shit out of you, is the same spirit within all of us and it's my connection along with the Goddess to everyone on this planet. This knowledge lets me understand the basic makeup of everyone I meet, what they are going through, and at what stage of this discovery and awakening they are at. This puts me at a great advantage.

What is fascinating about our biological condition is that the all, the combination of feminine and masculine, has succeeded in creating a new entity that has autonomy. What I mean is that you are unique. You contain the signature of mom and dad however you are a blank slate; free to make of the opportunity with what you will. You consist of immortality and mortality. Through constant transformational magic of the masculine and re-birth magic of the feminine you transform mortality into immortality or as a sage would say, “ceaseless coming and going.” Another sage would explain this is the wheel of incarnation to which you would look for a way out through enlightenment.

The way out is to become greater than the gods. How would one go about that process? It involves combining conscious biological life with the eternal life force; in essence having the eternal energy become aware. That’s the divide. The separation of the two is found in the awareness. As a biological entity, I am aware of my surroundings; I am conscious. Energy is omnipresent but is not aware unless it has a vehicle to become aware much like light doesn’t shine unless it has a vehicle to allow for the condition of transformation from energy to light. The biological life form is what allows for a degree of consciousness of the energy, think of consciousness as light, however the biological form claims it all for themselves as opposed to an even split with what we eventually determine is our shadow. Consciousness as the light casts a shadow that we choose to not recognize. The divine energy that we do not recognize is the shadow. It’s the shadow because we buried that half of us as we became accepted into our human society and peculiarities of culture. And then we attached all desires and emotions we did not want to deal with to the shadow. We are the architect of the monster. To return to what was, we have to re-discover, come to terms with, and acknowledge the shadow. Apologize for our disregard and malice. Once re-integrated, the human partnership project can resume.

In totality, we contain in our form the essence of all there is. Waiting to be discovered is a goddess and a god; your celestial parents. The mother is love and wisdom who will do anything for her children. There is also jealousy and desire that arise from separating the feminine from the masculine. The father is courage, strength, valour, and reasoning allowing you to use your mental faculties to solve any problem put before you. He is also a dragon that rages and a rampaging jaguar that dominates and destroys those in his way. Coming forth as a man, I meet the father in the depths as my shadow. When I get to know him and re-discover this hidden relationship he becomes my teacher; teaching his son how to become a warrior and master his domain. The mother teaches me to love, play, and to help others in need. In addition, I discover my hidden soulmate; the maiden who makes me whole. The coming together of our being into one is beyond description. The attraction is intense and the fire burns within to explore this relationship.

When I look at my dog, I see the energetic powers of the universe having come forth in a biological form. My dog operates upon instinct for the most part. She has awareness, yet the differences between her species and mine is I can think about thinking and create constructs out of these intellectual feedback loops until I bring the concepts to life through desire.

I was thinking about this because I have a secret. I know I can become greater than the gods and by this, I mean my celestial parents; the divine feminine and masculine to which I refer from whence all comes forth. Humans are unique in that we are the result of the fount of the eternal energies that created the universe and we have conscious awareness and an intellectual capacity to understand that we know that we know. I’m not sure my dog knows she is aware or can conceptualize her situation but for the most part runs on instinct which in a way is a pre-programmed set of instructions activated by biological need. Animals don’t think about thoughts or sit down to meditate in order to give their thinking mind a break. What I mean about becoming greater than the gods is I am unique in that I am aware. I also know of the power within that animates all of creation yet operates in a shadowy world, obfuscated from the consciousness of biological life. The power, my parents, exist as a twinning of feminine and masculine that I have interacted with and have invited to come forth within the vehicle of self. This is a fancy way of saying that I no longer need to seek power; instead I am power. I can shine with the light of man and express the love of the woman. I can rescue both from the shadowy world where they were left buried in order for my biological form to take centre stage for the majority of my life. The downhill ride of my life span has allowed me to let go and enjoy the gravitational force that propels me along on the path. I don’t have to do the difficult climb up the mountain anymore. That part of the journey is in the rear-view mirror. I let it go and allow the divine part of me to come forth. A goddess and a god that are conscious, aware, and eternal. I’m the good son. 

man of steel

On Tuesday December 29th, 2020 I finally made an agreement with my shadow to start in earnest the process of forging steel. It will be the coming together of my conscious awareness with his power, strength, and magical abilities of transformation. My spiritual path has been going on for over twelve years; so, the process really isn’t starting but let’s just say it will be next level. On the path I travel, I hear a lot about levelling up and self-improvement. In the movie Fight Club, Tyler Durden’s shadow calls self-improvement masturbation. You know, he’s right because the trick in my case is to destroy the sense of self fostered throughout my life and embark upon a new construction project. Self-improvement will just perpetuate the shaky foundation upon which identity rests. In other words, on this journey you are trying to destroy the concept of cultural identity which manifests in our notion of ego. To improve that facade is counterproductive on the quest towards knowledge of self.

So, why and how am I finally going to stick to this agreement? Good question because of my backsliding history. I’m internally famous for making resolutions and fantastically sticking to them for various periods of time. I got my shadow’s attention and proved my worth when I kept an impossible intention of being a renunciate for two years and eight months. No one saw that coming! I know my shadow was aghast and astounded by my force of will and had to change his opinion of me. Up until then, he just saw an intelligent dude who was weak sauce. My shadow recognized my inner strength and crowned me because of it. He has subsequently let me figure out my path of transformation and how I wished to proceed. It’s been four years or so since then. I’ve figured it out. I know of my shadow’s presence and his intentions and I’m clear in my intentions. I’ve repeatedly tried to get my act together and can do well for a few months at a time but I always crash like an addict who can’t help himself. My shadow has seen it before and it is probably quite funny except for the fact I’m not getting any younger. In other words, it’s time to get this project moving because I’m past being able to say I’m just north of 50. In essence, he’s told me that in order to forge steel none of the constituent alloys that go into its making can be weak. He says this while directly addressing me. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link and the inference is I’m the questionable link.

Part of the process is giving up identity to which I have lately written about ad nauseam in this blog space. I’ve experimented with it as I make my life a bit of a mystery to those around me plus I changed my online name a few years back and raised some eyebrows. It’s a process, with the idea being to start giving it up little by little and stop identifying with your past, your successes and failures, how you make a living, your style, well pretty much everything you hang your hat on. I know to be in the world requires an identity. To access my money and security I need that identity, so dropping an A-bomb on this part of me is not currently in the cards.

As I’m writing this I just remembered something I haven’t thought about in a long time. When I first encountered my shadow in a plant medicine ceremony almost eight years ago, I experienced the symbolic loss of identity. I became paranoid in ceremony that my passport and credit cards were being stolen and I’d be stuck in the jungle without any money and any means of identifying myself! Holy shit, he started on me right away though I didn’t know what was up. I remember at the time being freaked out by this scenario and the prospect of losing my identity. Later that dreadful evening, this scenario played out all based on my identity where if people discovered what a true low-life I was then all the respect and trust I had earned from them would be gone in a flash. I was being shown how attached I was to identity though I didn’t know it at the time. I just thought yes, I’ll be a good boy and maintain my facade. Re-reading my account of that original encounter is fascinating. My shadow took my life that was bound to identity and flipped it around as metaphor in a story where it was the jungle that was to enslave me. I’d be trapped in service to who knows who eating tasteless food and doing menial work, never to escape because they control everything. I was so paralyzed with fear I couldn’t see it as metaphor though obviously the visions and thoughts were slyly referencing the world at large and not some rickety jungle camp! It is funny how we initially interpret visions and then with context we see them completely different. Now, I realize the answer being provided to me was let go of identity and be free. Don’t be reliant upon others to shape who you are and force you to remain a prisoner of their making. I did chalk this horrifying experience up to ego death via psychedelic substance ingestion, which was what happened. It was the worst night of my life and scarred me for quite some time. Curiously, the mental beatdown and upheaval is the major reason for my transformation as it stands today and why I’m writing this as a pretty content human being about to enter in a new phase of his peculiar transformation into who knows what but I assure you it will be glorious!

I have experienced a similar loss of identity with subsequent use of plant medicines, though not as catastrophic as the first one. With Huachuma, I sat in the Mesa just prior to inhaling the sacred Vilca and experienced a dissociation with whom I was. I had a dream like vision in which I entered into a closet full of suits, which I knew were various identities I could wear. I was shown I always pick the same suit even though the choices were multiple. Vilca in turn has revealed to me my fundamental nature of being composed of light energy that can radiate love. If that’s the template to follow, and I think it is, then I’m down with it. The steel being forged will produce a radiant light, pulsing through the energetic spectrum, welcoming those who seek out this transformation. Sounds pretty cool. In this biological lifetime? I don’t know. I guess the question is: Are my psychedelic experiences trivial or do they reveal questions and answers of past, present, and future? Look, I’m a pretty intelligent and rational guy. If I thought it was nonsense I’d stop. This blog space isn’t advertised or monetized. I’m not trying to enchant you into taking plant medicines but instead this is just a sounding board for my experiences. The continuing path I am travelling is a commitment; not only financially but it is hard work at times to progress on the path. Like any student, you don’t have to do the reading or studying. You can just party the whole time, get wowed by trivial kaleidoscopic visions, and let it all fall by the wayside when you tire of it. I get it; I want to chase desires as well and get that hit of pleasure and transient fulfilment it brings before dealing with the low. However, I do sense something amazing along this path and I’ve seen it; I’ve interacted with it; I’ve been instructed and guided by it. I’m ultimately curious and will do what I can to proceed.

I wrote this mind dump this morning because of the dream I had last night. Some dreams resonate with me so deeply that I have little trouble remembering them in the morning after I wake up. As you no doubt know, most are transient and slip through conscious grasping much like thoughts do as I get older. I record into my phone, or write down a great deal of my original thoughts now, in order to expand on them later because if I don’t I will forget them. Anyway, to get back to the dream it was simply this: I dreamt I got laid off from my job. It was quite unnerving losing a big part of my identity and source of financial stability. I know why I dreamt it. It all goes back to the agreement I made with my shadow and he’s forcing me to come to terms with shedding identity. Eight years later the class in identity resumes in earnest! Little by little I lose myself until I can cut the cord.

laxative

Smoking Mapacho tobacco is like a laxative for the mind. Ever sit down on the toilet, take a good dump, and then afterwards you feel so empty? I feel really good after that because all the food the was taken in over say the previous 24 hours you purge and you start again from zero where of the food you processed you kept the nutrients needed to survive and then there’s a huge amount of the crap that you then eliminate. I have found the same kind of principle at work with Mapacho where if I go out in the morning on a walk with the dog in the woods I’ll take some Mapacho along with me and I’ll stop along the river and I will smoke my Mapacho which quiets my mind like a meditation cheat, unless it is really racing. I have also learned that drinking coffee is not really helpful where it does the opposite and makes your mind race, so if you drank coffee and you go out into the woods with Mapacho you are going to have to smoke a lot of it to get to that point where you can empty out the contents of your mind. Ideally you go out into the woods with your Mapacho and within one maybe two puros, you’ll notice your mind will blank out in a peaceful calmness and you’ll start hearing the birds chirp, the wind through the trees, and the water as it ripples off of branches that are in the river. It’s a cheat but for me I was in that state this morning and I noticed it is the same thing as taking a big crap where I have just emptied out the contents of my mind and I feel really good. I don’t have a thought in my head and I’m just looking around and enjoying being aware, not taking in anything and trying to analyze it or any thoughts coming into my head that I have to do this or that. It is just this peace where I’m like oh yeah I’m getting ready to spend the next 24 hours taking in awareness and spinning it and reading about this and watching that and absorbing all this information and some of it I will keep because it is beneficial and nutritious. I like learning and I love knowledge however I have realized there has to come a point where you have to dump it and use Mapacho as a laxative for your mind.

prism

Within unity you can find self. You just have to objectify and then within the collective consciousness all instances eventually separate and objectify which gives birth to the material world. This is the same as when I see unity while separate because I am unable to separate myself from the environment, so I no longer see separate objects. The opposite must be true. Unification would want to find separation and through this desire will once again separate in order to know its many selves. One and the many. By changing perspective we can see both. Now.

So it’s all here and now. There is no place I have to go to see either viewpoint. I just need to change my conscious awareness to see it at anytime. My consensus reality prism is a separator much like a prism refracts the pure white light into its constituent spectral colours which are all the colours of the rainbow. Consciousness is King and run through a great prism separates into many instances of the whole. We as a species double down on the objectification and separation of consciousness. A perturbation of consciousness is the way on through the doors of perception. There are many modalities available to do just this, just do an internet search. Our natural inclination is to fight the change in consciousness and return to our normal waking state. For instance the other morning my seasonal allergies were peaking and so when I got out of the shower I grabbed some toilet paper to blow my nose. A piece of the paper stuck to my face just below my eye. I was locked in my routine so I did not remove it though it bugged me for a bit. Eventually I just ignored it until I looked in the mirror. I sat down a bit later with a tea, a great form of meditation, and contemplated the fact that at first I reacted with annoyance that my perception changed and I was seeing things with the tissue paper getting in the way. In order to get back to the default comfortable state I just started ignoring it. Isn't that what we do all the time? We ignore so many things in our environment in order that everything conforms to our worldview. If something feels out of place, we work to fix or remove it. I then started noticing my nose in my line of sight. It's always there but I just ignore it now because it is commonplace. Once I started noticing it, then it started bugging me, and I wanted to go back to ignoring it.

The overall lesson is that you can change your consciousness simply by being or becoming aware of environmental happenings that we just take for granted. It's hard to do though because our default state is to ignore or dismiss common occurrences and get locked into patterns of perception. As humans, it’s probably the reason we are attracted to novelty because it changes our consciousness and gets us out of locked in and mundane everyday experiences. However the novelty soon wears off and we seek out something new. As well we are easily distracted and though we may become aware of something, we soon return to our default view. So that's why seekers use agents of consciousness to perturb their consciousness. Examples of this are meditation, breath work, physical exertion, chanting, drumming, and plants or substances that alter consciousness. All these modalities then have the ability to show you other states of consciousness that are always with us, we have just filtered them out. It doesn't have to be psychedelic, it can be as simply as sitting in the forest and hearing the wind, the chattering of the birds, the frogs and crickets singing, the sun's rays glistening on a spider web, insects busily flying about, the heat of the day, the chill of the air, and so on.