So, why and how am I finally going to stick to this agreement? Good question because of my backsliding history. I’m internally famous for making resolutions and fantastically sticking to them for various periods of time. I got my shadow’s attention and proved my worth when I kept an impossible intention of being a renunciate for two years and eight months. No one saw that coming! I know my shadow was aghast and astounded by my force of will and had to change his opinion of me. Up until then, he just saw an intelligent dude who was weak sauce. My shadow recognized my inner strength and crowned me because of it. He has subsequently let me figure out my path of transformation and how I wished to proceed. It’s been four years or so since then. I’ve figured it out. I know of my shadow’s presence and his intentions and I’m clear in my intentions. I’ve repeatedly tried to get my act together and can do well for a few months at a time but I always crash like an addict who can’t help himself. My shadow has seen it before and it is probably quite funny except for the fact I’m not getting any younger. In other words, it’s time to get this project moving because I’m past being able to say I’m just north of 50. In essence, he’s told me that in order to forge steel none of the constituent alloys that go into its making can be weak. He says this while directly addressing me. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link and the inference is I’m the questionable link.
Part of the process is giving up identity to which I have lately written about ad nauseam in this blog space. I’ve experimented with it as I make my life a bit of a mystery to those around me plus I changed my online name a few years back and raised some eyebrows. It’s a process, with the idea being to start giving it up little by little and stop identifying with your past, your successes and failures, how you make a living, your style, well pretty much everything you hang your hat on. I know to be in the world requires an identity. To access my money and security I need that identity, so dropping an A-bomb on this part of me is not currently in the cards.
As I’m writing this I just remembered something I haven’t thought about in a long time. When I first encountered my shadow in a plant medicine ceremony almost eight years ago, I experienced the symbolic loss of identity. I became paranoid in ceremony that my passport and credit cards were being stolen and I’d be stuck in the jungle without any money and any means of identifying myself! Holy shit, he started on me right away though I didn’t know what was up. I remember at the time being freaked out by this scenario and the prospect of losing my identity. Later that dreadful evening, this scenario played out all based on my identity where if people discovered what a true low-life I was then all the respect and trust I had earned from them would be gone in a flash. I was being shown how attached I was to identity though I didn’t know it at the time. I just thought yes, I’ll be a good boy and maintain my facade. Re-reading my account of that original encounter is fascinating. My shadow took my life that was bound to identity and flipped it around as metaphor in a story where it was the jungle that was to enslave me. I’d be trapped in service to who knows who eating tasteless food and doing menial work, never to escape because they control everything. I was so paralyzed with fear I couldn’t see it as metaphor though obviously the visions and thoughts were slyly referencing the world at large and not some rickety jungle camp! It is funny how we initially interpret visions and then with context we see them completely different. Now, I realize the answer being provided to me was let go of identity and be free. Don’t be reliant upon others to shape who you are and force you to remain a prisoner of their making. I did chalk this horrifying experience up to ego death via psychedelic substance ingestion, which was what happened. It was the worst night of my life and scarred me for quite some time. Curiously, the mental beatdown and upheaval is the major reason for my transformation as it stands today and why I’m writing this as a pretty content human being about to enter in a new phase of his peculiar transformation into who knows what but I assure you it will be glorious!
I have experienced a similar loss of identity with subsequent use of plant medicines, though not as catastrophic as the first one. With Huachuma, I sat in the Mesa just prior to inhaling the sacred Vilca and experienced a dissociation with whom I was. I had a dream like vision in which I entered into a closet full of suits, which I knew were various identities I could wear. I was shown I always pick the same suit even though the choices were multiple. Vilca in turn has revealed to me my fundamental nature of being composed of light energy that can radiate love. If that’s the template to follow, and I think it is, then I’m down with it. The steel being forged will produce a radiant light, pulsing through the energetic spectrum, welcoming those who seek out this transformation. Sounds pretty cool. In this biological lifetime? I don’t know. I guess the question is: Are my psychedelic experiences trivial or do they reveal questions and answers of past, present, and future? Look, I’m a pretty intelligent and rational guy. If I thought it was nonsense I’d stop. This blog space isn’t advertised or monetized. I’m not trying to enchant you into taking plant medicines but instead this is just a sounding board for my experiences. The continuing path I am travelling is a commitment; not only financially but it is hard work at times to progress on the path. Like any student, you don’t have to do the reading or studying. You can just party the whole time, get wowed by trivial kaleidoscopic visions, and let it all fall by the wayside when you tire of it. I get it; I want to chase desires as well and get that hit of pleasure and transient fulfilment it brings before dealing with the low. However, I do sense something amazing along this path and I’ve seen it; I’ve interacted with it; I’ve been instructed and guided by it. I’m ultimately curious and will do what I can to proceed.
I wrote this mind dump this morning because of the dream I had last night. Some dreams resonate with me so deeply that I have little trouble remembering them in the morning after I wake up. As you no doubt know, most are transient and slip through conscious grasping much like thoughts do as I get older. I record into my phone, or write down a great deal of my original thoughts now, in order to expand on them later because if I don’t I will forget them. Anyway, to get back to the dream it was simply this: I dreamt I got laid off from my job. It was quite unnerving losing a big part of my identity and source of financial stability. I know why I dreamt it. It all goes back to the agreement I made with my shadow and he’s forcing me to come to terms with shedding identity. Eight years later the class in identity resumes in earnest! Little by little I lose myself until I can cut the cord.
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