educated

It sure doesn’t seem like a long time and to have made a commitment of this length would have been a non-starter to begin with. I’m talking about my awakening. It started just shy of my 40th birthday in late 2007. The reason I know this is Google search history! I started poking around the internet in 2007 for answers. I decided to take my superior logic and reasoning atheistic brain that was supremely confident in its ability to eventually figure out any problem presented to it and apply my gifts towards a perplexing human phenomenon which was: Why do we believe in these non-rational god beings and ultimately, what is the origin of beliefs? It’s been quite the trip. I started with something close to me, which is Christianity, and progressed through world religions before delving into what we know about ancient belief systems. I became fascinated with ancient Egypt and saw it as one of the bedrocks of what has passed on into our modern-day religions. I was soon obsessed and learned all I could before serendipitously being gifted with an opportunity to spend ten days exploring Egypt in 2009. I took the opportunity and further increased my obsession to the point where I could formulate my own coherent reason why people and societies had the beliefs they do which had to do with observation of nature, natural phenomenon, the stars, and the mystery of death. However, something still bugged me. Why would you waste valuable resources and human capital on constructing soaring and unfathomable pyramids and majestic temples? Well, maybe a few of these structures, however they are everywhere! And they are confounding to a modern such as myself. There has to be more to this equation. They had to know and therefore I had to know. Eventually, I figured out they were altering their consciousness through drugs, ecstatic dance, and ritual. Off I went in search of a modality that would allow me to do the same. I discovered shamanism and I found where it is still practised today in the Amazon basin. After close to five years searching for the origin of beliefs, I drank a cup of Ayahuasca and within twenty minutes I had the answer directly in front of me.

And so began the second phase of my education.

 

I know exactly why I made the original decision to go down into the Amazon jungle and drink plant medicines. I was chasing the Goddess I came across in my obsession with ancient Egypt and I was quite confident that by altering my consciousness I could get into contact with her. It turns out I was correct in my intuitive assumptions which is important because along this path you will face many twists and turns and you have to sort out fact from fiction. The need to do this discernment stems from the mind’s ability to spin a narrative. It is important at times to take a step back and try to piece it all together which means eliminating spin. This means separating what you hope and want to believe from what has repeatedly happened and the direction it is leading you. When I first went down into the jungle, I also had a secondary intention which was to confront the darkness that lay within my being. As I traverse this long and winding road, I can always return to these original two intentions and find the answers to why this journey has transpired in the way it has gone down.

 

Recently, I have been asking myself what possessed me to continue on with this journey, especially after the original beatdown I endured from my shadow the second time I drank Ayahuasca. Within the first two plant medicine ceremonies, the game was on. First, I met the mysterious and captivating Goddess and subsequently I was pummelled by the darkness that lay within. It was so severe and unnerving it made me panic and endure much paranoia, including hearing a voice afterwards for days. I returned home shell-shocked, wondering what happened? I fully admit to a defeat in that battle and I could have given up on the quest. It took me a while but I eventually did get up off the mat and made a return for round two. I took the blows and persevered, eventually to the point where I did get the upper hand and it opened up so many avenues of exploration on this most magnificent journey. Still, I have been trying to understand just exactly why I did choose to continue after my shadow made it clear to stand down and go away, lest I face the consequences and a gruesome outcome.

 

One of the reasons I continued was that to be in the presence of the Goddess was the most intoxicating moment of my life. It was enough of an otherworldly encounter I’d risk everything to get back into her company. Taking that chance allowed me to once again face up to my demons and I remember clearly the night I stood my ground and got through the blows coming at me in all directions. It was a fantastic feeling of exhilaration and relief when I survived the night and something definitely shifted within me which eventually led to acquiring an unbelievable amount of courage. Looking back, I was never one to accept defeat, as temporary failure would just make me double my efforts to figure out the game. It is clear that’s what I did however naive that may well be.

 

Armed with this strength and courage I set off to explore, all the while transforming within ceremony into a jaguar and being lovingly wrapped in the embrace of a giant green boa constrictor. I have been preparing for the third phase for a few years now. I have a feeling it isn’t going to be easy but I’m as ready as I will ever be. I’m going into the darkness without a flashlight or a rope to get out. It calls out to me and I will answer the call. Just like I intuitively knew I could get into contact with the Goddess in this lifetime, I know I can stand before my shadow, tall and proud. A student eternally grateful for the transformation in this incarnation through a process that would break most. I know he’s my teacher and all this he has done to make me a warrior. Others are not so lucky. Culture has conspired to make this journey and meeting pretty much near impossible. Nobody dares do this or approach the darkness. In 21st century earth life, it is now summarily hidden and forbidden. Onward ho! I kind of know I’m going back to Peru as soon as I can. Just recently the owl appeared to me three times to signal it is time for the next step. Yesterday kind of sealed it; this pandemic notwithstanding. So, I was returning from a walk in the nighttime woods with my dog and the owl was waiting for me. Always an omen, this one was perched atop a pine tree and multiple loud hoots came at me. It sees the energy emanating from me and said, “I see you.” I thought about it; I know the owl is connected to death. My focus is liberation and the advice I got from my peculiar shadowy friend last time down was he told me to kill myself in order to live. I think that will be my motto for the next adventure. The omen of the owl lets me know I can see into this darkness with clarity and that I’m ready to undertake this journey.

 

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. This John Lennon lyric from the Beatles’ song ‘I am the Walrus’ describes my current understanding of my shadow. We really are one but currently live split due to the situation where I, conscious me, took the part of me not sanctioned by the cultural super ego and buried it in the shadows henceforth I call him my shadow. He’s my unconscious me. By rejecting this part of me, I tossed away a lot of power and instead I am a puppet controlled by culture and others, who basically want to use me for their personal gain. Thus, the shadow teaches liberation because if you break free of the hold culture and of other’s expectations of you then you can reclaim that power.

 

I’ve invited the shadow back into my life. I can do that because I went on a path of discovery and I know exactly who he is and therefore can directly address him with the knowledge that yes I know who you are and in addition I’m not scared. I won’t run or lock you away again. He’s taught me a couple huge lessons in the last couple of months. First of all, I don’t need to seek power because I am power. I just need to reclaim it. Secondly, my goal of shedding desire I can never achieve and transcend because power is desire and you are desire. You can't transcend what fundamentally you are. I went through the process of the reductionism of self until I was left with a biological form that upon severing of the umbilical cord tasted a freedom for a very short period of time until I was named and subsequently brought up within my culture. So, I wonder who was that little guy? I found out he was once again the coming forth of desire after the mother and father got together to complete a sex act that was driven by desire. Cupid shot his arrow and then appeared in human form shortly thereafter. Most of Eros I bury and he becomes the shadow. What I don’t toss into the darkness is sanctioned by culture and become my drives as in a drive to succeed in this perverse game of life we all play. What does the winner get? All the toys? A mouth full of escargot and expensive liquor? How about you figure out it’s not how you play the game instead you know it’s a game and even go further and know that you created the game. Then you hold in your hand all the power and win the championship. Or, you just leave it at that and watch the game unfold while re-entering back into the game. There will be a definite reduction in stress, anxiety, and depression.

 

I have always been a contrarian and have been able to see beyond limiting cultural beliefs and how they direct your thinking into silos. It’s because of this default mode that I was able to see my shadow friend for whom he really is. We are conditioned throughout life to avoid the darkness and dare not explore it. The figure of a great and scary devil is presented to us so we stay away. Did we do this our self or is our shadow complicit in this conspiracy? Based on my journey, I’d hazard a guess the darkness contributes to this situation. It becomes a path travelled only by a few and then further whittling down this group it becomes a select gathering. The seduction of power will make the group go its separate ways. I can taste the power; sometimes I feel it in my hands. I did not seek it out therefore I’m still standing. I know it’s mine. For coming this far you could say it’s a reward. However, I’ve learned my lessons well and I know with power comes the temptation to control and my intentions revolve around liberation. In order to be free, you let it be.