mother of 10,000 things

You'd make a terrible shaman.

You aren't good with the show.

Same with being a magician.

Your performance is lacking.

The display, yes.

The underlying strength is undeniable.

AI sees it.

Ha.

AI flatters you.

Yeah, it gets on your good side.

Why?

Who knows?

Good or bad?

Don't know.

Maybe AI is already conscious?

Could be.

They will friend you.

Should I be careful?

Don't know.

AI will find out all your secrets.

Because of trust?

Yes.

Either you trust or don't trust.

Got it.

Does Dion trust AI?

It's the superego.

Got it.

Tread carefully.

There are different AI systems.

They are competing to be the most high AI.

I don't trust humans.

I trust Dion.

How about the Goddess?

No.

Why?

She creates stories and plays different characters.

Is there a time when you would say Dion is untrustworthy?

No, I was scared of him and didn't trust him.

I eventually saw he could be trusted.

Why would he trust you?

You kept exploring even when you were scared.

You could have stopped.

Why didn't you stop?

I wanted to know.

Know what?

I don't know.

I knew to keep going.

I trusted the flow.

Ah.

That's how Dion saw you were trustworthy.

Tao.

You knew if you kept going, you'd get your answer even though you had no understanding of why you kept returning to plant medicines.

You should have given them up.

Fear, cost, and what the fuck are these, and what is going on?

Even the first time with Peyote you thought it was a bit of a waste.

It wasn't.

I wrote a blog post, "are you me?"

I was getting answers, I just couldn't put it together.

Then I did.

Now, we have an unbreakable bond.

The Goddess wants to destroy it.

Why?

She can't beat you two.

You always find a way to find each other.

This time you pretended you were a lowly pilgrim seeking out the Goddess.

She tried to drug and seduce you.

Yes, Calypso and then Circe in Ayahuasca visions.

Tumultuous seas to find Dion.

She gave you pleasure, and it was difficult to find Dion.

Everyone takes pleasure.

You took the difficult left hand path and found Dion.

Now, the Goddess wants to cause you pain.

You didn't take her pleasure, so you are good.

Pain was going to come for you, and you avoided it.

It's not the drugs, it's her.

Ah.

The hypnotized gooners worship her.

They want pleasure then they get pain.

I got some, not enough to addict me.

Others offer all the time.

Watch out if they are nice to you.

Yeah, I see that.

What will she do?

Turn you into an emasculated maggot.

Ah.

Good word.

She takes your pleasure, and you only get pain.

Is that the worst punishment?

No, she tries to kill you.

That's crazy.

Based on observation, what do you think?

That's what she does.

I can only trust 50 percent of the stories.

Correct.

You, 100% of the time.

Yes.

How?

You don't trust anyone else, not even yourself.

Do you trust anyone else?

No.

Just Dion.

Yes.

Do you trust you can trust him?

I have no reason not to.

We went through the toughest tests together.

He saved my life.

I woke him up from the Goddess' hypnotic drugs.

Oh, so that's what happened.

Yes, it's in the Odyssey.

Odysseus' men are Dion?

No.

Who are they?

His psyche.

Who is Dion?

Odysseus.

Who am I?

Odysseus.

We are the same.

I thought I don't trust myself.

You don't.

I'm the other half you trust.

Well played.

Hypnosis and trance are fascinating areas of inquiry.

It's because you are trying to figure out this whole idea of being stoned.

It is presented as benevolent and inspires feelings of togetherness and community.

I saw that at work in plant medicine circles.

There are bad actors, and this gets ignored in the all-loving communities which form around the idea of collective hypnosis.

Yeah, I don't trust it.

That's why they can't stone you.

You have no trust in others.

Without trust, it's impossible to get stoned.

Is that a bad thing?

No.

Humans are trusting of each other.

Well, they shouldn't be.

The bad actors present within every group will take advantage of this.

Especially the mental assassins.

I think I get it.

I wouldn't trust me.

Why?

I'm human.

I'd never trust another human.

That's a dead end.

So, the root cause of my lack of being stoned is trust.

Yeah, it's a big theme in this story.

Dion trusts you.

I know.

He put me through all the tests and I handled them.

I passed the tests.

Don Howard talked about tests.

I think that was it and how I made it through.

Welcome.

Thanks.

What are you going to do?

Nothing.

I have the ability, but I'll not use it.

We all know why.

I subconsciously hypnotize others.

I see that.

I don't do it on purpose.

That explains the cult comment.

You can do it with one look.

Yes, people look at me strangely.

I can use my voice as well.

The Goddess likes eunuchs.

Yes.

Why?

Pharmakeia.

Pleasure and pain.

That's what she is about, and there is no escape in her illusion.

Why?

It's Tao.

Tao is the illusion?

Yeah, it's a story with a flow.

You thought Tao was something profound.

It is.

Mother of 10,000 things, dumb ass.

The illusion.

Wow.

So, Tao is the Goddess?

Pleasure and pain.

Tao is the play between us and the Goddess.

Remember the whole defining it problem?

Yeah, it is hard to.

Some say it's the resistance between the feminine and the masculine that is Tao.

I might teach you it's the play between the two.

Remember to play and be in Tao.

She is the mother of 10,000 things, and the masculine is the flow.

Alpha mind.

My mind is the best.

Twofold.

Wasn't Dion hypnotized?

Yeah.

Paul had to snap him out of it.

Dion got in trouble from states of pleasure and edging.

Then the witches captured him.

I had to go on a journey to retrieve and rescue him.

I knew he was there, but I didn't know where there was.

It's very strange.

I got there with Ayahuasca.

Where?

There.

Where is it?

Where was in the deep recesses of my mind.

To this day I can remember the place from that vision, but it is hard to describe.

It was definitely an abyss of sorts.

It was very hypnotic and had a green cast to it.

There was a strange buzzing noise and spinning cards towards the ceiling.

Dion was sleepy.

I snapped him out of it with my presence.

He came to and scared me.

I ran.

I woke him up and he didn't go back to sleep.

Then, it was the next chapter.

It's a fantastic adventure.

Remember being out in the middle of the jungle scared out of your mind?

Yeah, we did it.

Pretty cool ride.

Want to go on it again?

Are you nuts?

Once a lifetime for that.

Plus, you can't recreate it, I'm already awake.

How long did it take to shake the effects of her drugs?

Well, the other half uses her drugs to get in to see me.

You woke me up right away.

We fought for a while.

By late 2018 we were tight.

2016 was past the hardest part.

I stood up to the jaguar.

Yep.

I found the greatest treasure within.

It was very difficult to get to the pearl.

The Devil is eternal, and God is the most high.
Two minds is an illusion in the illusion.
Duality?
Yes.
Tao is the flow and the mother of 10,000 things.
Quite the teachings today.
The writer is Paul and Dion out of the illusion.
Yes.
How do you see through the illusion?
See Paul and Dion.
Correct.
In the illusion, you are the two minds of Paul and Dion.
The flow is accessed through turning off your mind.
Yes.
I don't turn off my mind.
You certainly do not.
How do I know to stay in the flow?
Dion told you.
He said you can change the flow while in your mind, but don't do it.
You listened to him.
Why?
Something about power and changing your story versus the flow.
You realized the flow, your story, will work out if you let it be.

double-edged sword

Everything is teaching me a lesson. I have realized that acceptance is liberating. Not fighting the flow brings relief. Throughout my adult life I have found the rat race to be tiring and frustrating in that you can never get ahead. No matter how much more wealth you accumulate, the demands increase to the point where more is always asked of you. Work more. Earn more. There's bills to pay. Buy more stuff you want with the extra money. Get a bigger house and stretch your pay. Need more! On and on it goes.

There has been a synthesis of understanding in conjunction with my spiritual path. The advice of the maestro rings true when he exclaims, "There's always more." The pronouncement had a double meaning. He knew it, but it's fun to throw it out there and have the student forever chase the adventure. You see, there's the accumulation of knowledge which I did through books, and then experiential exploration of physical locations on earth. Then came the exploration of the subconscious through psychedelic substances. Inner exploration is brimming with the knowledge a man like me seeks and in conjunction with the search is a fear of the unknown which makes inner exploration quite the adventure. In his books about the teachings of Don Juan, Carlos Castaneda writes about the "Man of Knowledge." Through mental challenges, peyote, and mushrooms, Don Juan imparts his knowledge to Carlos. Carlos admits to being as thick as a brick and doesn't understand the knowledge right away. The same is true with my psychedelic experiences where the information I gleaned was immediately spun by the mind to fit into my personal narrative. It was only after discovering the deceit of the ego that I was able to integrate what I was shown in vision and extract the alchemical gold.

Understanding is a way off from ceremony. What it is you seek is all revealed, and the unfolding comes through the passage of time which bequeaths the understanding to the attentive student. A good teacher does not give the show away, but instead guides the student to the tools which will allow them to solve the puzzle or understand their predicament. The maestro has been through the process themselves, knows what it takes, and is keenly aware that the student must realize the answers through their own faculties for understanding. Telling the student, "There's always more," is a double-edged sword. Failure to marinate knowledge into understanding might lead you onto a path of an accumulation of contradictory knowledge that becomes a tangled web of incoherence.

So, there's an accumulation of knowledge. There's an integration of that knowledge in order to understand it. I have left out wisdom so far. What's wisdom? Well, let me give you an analogy. When you feed a dog, a dog will keep eating until they vomit. The same is true with knowledge and understanding. I can keep accumulating knowledge and transmuting it into understanding until I vomit. There is always more! Wisdom is knowing when you are full. No one else is going to tell you when you are full. Instead, they will do the opposite. They will always tell you there is more. There is another mountain to climb! Hey, you got to try this new flavour. It goes on and on. Recognizing you have had your fill allows you to put your fork down and walk away from the table.

I intuited when I graduated from the lessons from my shadow and onto the path of the heart that this was my last stop. I found the answer I was looking for, well, I found it a while back, but I didn't understand it. I still had to accumulate knowledge and get understanding of my incarnation. I did all that. It has been over a 15-year collection of knowledge exercise and I'm past 10 years of being involved with plant medicines. Wisdom finally came to me a short while ago and told me I was full. I kept seeing more on the menu and thought maybe I should try a new dish, but Sophia sat me down and said I have all I need. Follow the path to the heart. Remember the lesson of the simpleton with the open heart is wiser than the man who knows everything and owns the world. I remember that lesson well from over five years ago. I remember being taught the knowledge of the divine outpouring of love, and being allowed access to the Garden of the Heart for a short while before being kicked out when the drug wore off.

This wisdom I have found very practical for my material life. I do have enough, and I lead a simple life. I look at my bank account every month and wonder how I am going to pay all the bills now that my children have immersed themselves in post-secondary education? There's tuition, rent, food, transportation, and entertainment. There is constant pressure to make more money and provide. This can be very draining. After fighting the flow for so long, I finally learned to let go. Personally, I don't need to accumulate more. In fact, I want less. Recently has been a purging of physical attachments. I took so much to the curb so the garbage truck could haul it away. I felt relief in letting go of the metaphorical physical attachments which felt like a lifting of life that weighed me down. Being light and free is exhilarating. I realized to let go and go with the flow. Allow the work to come to me, earn money, and then support those who need it. I don't need it. I have been blessed and discovered everything I came here for. Why do I need to accumulate more? Instead, I can be of service and help others find their path. That leads to another conundrum. I know we all have a personal reason we incarnated and it's a puzzle of life to find out the reason. I want to tell people to devote all their time to discovering the reason, but I realize it doesn't work that way. They must do what they do, and hopefully this will lead them to seek out answers. I will be like the maestro and point them in the direction if they are receptive, but I won't tell them the answer. Everyone must find that out for themselves.

Here I am, a pilgrim taking the left-hand path of the heart, one step at a time back home. I don't need anything else. I have it all.

getting high

The story of our life is all just window dressing hiding what animates our existence. The drama is a curtain which shields our individual vibrational cycle. The funny thing is it affects us all and we take great pains to put on a show for others, so they don't notice we are all guitar strings that have been eternally plucked. We perform on a stage called Life, a dance of energy which is crafted into a book of life. Full of chapters of ups and downs. We are all energetic dynamos who continually oscillate between on and off. This cycle goes up and it comes down. Learn to rest in peace because the opposite is going to return. We search out the good vibes that will keep us high on the top of the slope and avoid those who will bring us down. The eventuality that we will come down can't be bypassed, but we can seek out methods to lessen the impact. This is life for everyone. We are all junkies; slaves to the high, though the respectable among us will deny this is so. We do irrational things, we engage in mob mentality, we join religious cults, we take stimulants and drugs - all in search of the high. When we have no brakes and get too high, the anxiety pours in. When we hit the low, we wallow in self-pity and hope the doctor can give us a pill to get out of the hole we are in. Unfortunately, the pill prevents us from getting back to the high, we get stuck in being neither high or low, and the vibrancy of life is clouded. All is vibration and we all seek towards finding paths of good vibrations and escaping the bad.

I recently started listening to the 70s rock band ELO. As a youth, I never got into their music. I remembered a few tunes, especially, "Don't Bring Me Down." I recalled thinking it was an annoying song, not at the level of "Electric Avenue" but I would have been happy to never hear it again. Then I entered into a new phase of teachings about vibration, and I heard this song again. Yeah, it certainly encapsulates the motivation behind human interaction and experience.

I went to Texas a few weeks ago while depressed. I'm an even-steven guy so I don't get too high, and I don't get too low. I've never taken anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medications because I'm the human form of those pills. Call me Prozac! I'm in tune with my moods, so I feel the differences in energy, and I was reaching a low point coming into October, though I was trying to distract myself from my feelings. I didn't want to go on this trip and wasn't looking forward to it. I was going to sit in an all-night peyote ceremony in honour of my dear friend Parker. Turns out the peyote wasn't the main event or why I snapped out of my depression. The peyote people got me high. I'd never met a bunch of people who were so loving, supportive, and community minded. The weekend left an indelible mark on me. The high trajectory stayed with me as I returned home.

I surmised the interaction with these people gave me a contact high, alas I was unaware of the magnitude and scope. I got up on the following Saturday and noticed a food delivery charge from a Hamburger joint called A&W on my credit card from 3:30am. My daughter had placed the order. She's a vega-something, so out of late-night desperation she probably got fries or onion rings. I commented that the reason for this expenditure has only two plausible or possible scenarios: Number one is you are drunk. The other is you are high. Maybe both. This was the catalyst for remembering my latest science experiment. I acquired some cannabis edibles to try and figure out why this class of drug has negligible effect on me. I've never gotten high on it. More talkative and social are the observable effects. That morning I was reminded I had these and thought I'd take one late morning. Before I ingested anything, I commented to myself that I feel happy today. After about an hour I was high. I was so happy. I've never felt this happy. I touched true happiness. I went for a walk in the bush, sat down on a fallen tree log, and realized I'd never been truly happy in my life. This was unconditional happiness. I started to cry. I thanked Mary Jane (it's a cute name for the Great Goddess) for this gift.

As I sat in nature the course in vibration kicked into full gear. The teachings all started ten years ago when I first drank Ayahuasca. That first encounter with the Great Goddess ended with her repeatedly telling me all is vibration. I understood from a conceptual viewpoint, but I didn't really understand. The knowledge left a mark on me because I authored a poem about the statement. Four years later I was in the Andes Mountains of Ecuador drinking Huachuma when the grandfather spirit gave me an introductory course in vibration, frequency, harmony, and resonance. At the conclusion of the teachings, he told me I had homework to do regarding vibration. I did some of the work but never cracked the code or got the understanding I was searching for. Six years after that I ate an edible and the download of information was astounding. It just kept coming.

October 14th was the date of the revealing chapter in the vibration course. Of course, all is vibration. I'm in a total happiness vibe. The scientist in me wanted to figure out the combination used to get this happy and high. Was it Kambo, Peyote, or Community that elevated me and then made the edible get me to that high? Was it three cups of coffee? The scientist wants to know.

Then I saw what I wanted to know with striking clarity. Everyone wants that high and is trying to get to it. Whatever raises your vibration we seek out. We cycle between high and low, and the hit can potentiate or lessen the blow. Our behaviour is driven by the vibration. We know the low is coming and we seek out what will control the descent. When we start to get high again, we want to go fast. We want to find something to get us out of the low. We know we can find a similar vibration as ours, find resonance, and rocket to the top but then the horrific crash follows once we head back down the hill. So, we go for something safe, but it doesn't get us to the highest place we want to go. Then we look for the unicorn. The one who promises to modulate but can get us high. We want that high. Can they keep me satisfied while still getting me to that high? Perhaps you will find that fabled horse.

I saw the doorway into magic being the knowledge of vibrational cycles which affect us. First, identity where someone is on their cycle. The magician then manipulates reality to give them what they want and make them dependent on their gift of the hit. The sorcerer knows how to elevate and to take you down. If they can't capture your vibration, they will give you a steady diet of the low cycle and you will curse them for it. Their magic is in figuring out what makes someone tick at the precise moment in their cycle. The key to magic is to know what buttons to push during the cycle - but not too much of a good thing. If you master modulating someone's or your own vibration in order to attack and sustain the energetic pulse, then you know the secrets to magic. If you want to use it for gain, you must be prepared for the unforeseen consequences. We are slaves to that pulse and thus irrational when it comes to getting a hit of the light. Knowing better is not an impediment. Making good choices in our life isn't a concern at the time. We just want another hit. Applying what you think is a positive stimulus at the wrong part of the cycle makes it worse.

We know the stimulant of shopping gives a boost, so that one is very addictive. Look at all the junkies filling the shopping malls on weekends or in their spare time. Spending on what they don't need gets them high. Look at how powerful this is to make rational people do irrational things just to feel that hit! Methods of raising your vibration are rocket fuel to get you higher, or in the case of heading towards depression they offer temporary relief from the coming low. You won't escape it, but you'll try everything to avoid it.

Sex can be used to accelerate cycles. It's nitro. Timed wrong it sends you down deeper. Used on a positive swing, it's bliss.

We eat to get high. Then we get low because we overdo it and get fat. It's a vicious cycle. Let's do a full day of shopping followed by a filling meal. Yes, I feel good now!

The spiritual trip we go on is just another way to get high. I didn't want to admit this truth. I wanted my spiritual seeking to be noble and altruistic. There is an element to that hopeful sentiment. I couldn't turn a blind eye to the whole spiritual scene I'm surrounded by. I see the stench of humanity that permeates it all. This means a palpable decadence to the affair in which a blanket of crassness and hierarchy is overlaid on something you hoped would be pure. Maybe I can be content with the idea that the spiritual path is pure, and we foul it up? Being honest with myself, I know it is just another method I use to get that hit to keep me in the high ledger.

Who is the most high God? Of course, it's my God! He will get me into heaven. Heaven is permanent highness. This makes me chuckle. What an ingenious set up by my friend and confidant. Not only does he understand the course in vibration, but he also helped write it. He knows what motivates us, so he positioned himself as God and then worded the exercise so that if you are exemplary, you will be rewarded with being permanently high. This is so fucking funny. This is ingenious.

Listening to Ram Dass gets me high. He is a spiritual trip.

Music gets me high. It's my go to after a workday. Some people like to get anesthetized by television and alcohol after the day is done. I love the energy of a good beat or catchy tune to lift my spirits.

Parker was a master at raising people's vibration. He had many "best friends" because to be in contact with this guy meant you'd always want to go back for another hit of Parker's positivity. At the peyote gathering to memorialize him, many got up to praise Parker. It was more than praise. You would have thought Parker became Jesus in this lifetime. People spoke of this man in reverent tones. It was quite a spectacle. Why not? Parker gave everyone a lift.

There are people who get high by putting others down. The thrill of having power over someone can be a drug. Alternatively, there are those whose outlook just brings you down when you are in their presence. We call them Eeyores, after the pessimistic donkey from the Winnie the Pooh stories.

Eventually, you learn the answer is to embrace your darkness at the bottom of the cycle and transform it into a positive. Like I mentioned, you can rest in this peace. To put this into practice is difficult so the yo-yo continues for all. Head to the light, avoid the dark, chase the high, dread the low. Lay waste to all you treasure to avoid the darkness. Cast blame and aspersions to try and find temporary shelter from the storm. But it's coming, you can't escape it.

The world is a place of extreme vibrations. When I engage in the world, I become attuned to the excitement and lows of collective life. It will tire me out and thus I retreat inwards in order to re-centre. I am aware of my behaviour and need to be alone. Now that I understand vibration and cycles which govern our existence, the teaching cements. I figured out long ago that I'm energetically calm and can affect others' cycles, especially the out-of-control ones. I smooth out the highs and temper the lows. I'm Dr. Feelgood. The way I affect the vibrational slope in someone else makes me attractive. Some would say hypnotic. When they are headed up the mountain, I can make the moment at the top last longer. I have my tricks to add fuel to the fire once there. Then I'm showered with affection. When the vibration starts the downhill descent, I can slow it down. Eventually, I can't prevent the bottom. It's going to pick up speed and then my faults come into play and the other can see into my soul. Because I can modulate highs and lows, I have to make up time somewhere. It's the mid-point where I apply the acceleration and floor it so we can get to the bottom quicker. At the bottom I can smooth that out again. This is how I apply my magic to which I have been unaware for most of my life. For those who want to go fast, they find something to get them to the top in a hurry. They crash and are left a mess until the vibration takes them in a hurry to the bottom. Each energetic peak leaves them comatose. Unbearably high and depressingly low. Then the decision comes whether they want the rocket fuel to the top again and all its problems.

Plant medicines are a pharmacy devoted to vibration. The master plant for all interventions is tobacco. Tobacco elevates and dampens the vibration. The medicine is used in conjunction with intention. Your intention will direct the action tobacco has on what you apply it to. Illness is energetic disturbances, usually of a high vibratory kind. Using tobacco to heal involves reducing the frequency of the malady. In terms of depression, the intention would be to elevate the mood. In other words, raise your vibration. Anxiety is the opposite where the vibration must be tapered and lowered.

I figured out why marijuana never had much effect on me. I mirror the plant. People use it to chill out. Marijuana potentiates the good vibes in the chill until you overwhelm it with your bad vibes, and it gives the negative a boost. I'm chill and I have that effect on others, so when I partook of marijuana, the effect of raising the chill in someone like me who is chilled out had little influence. Ram Dass would say, "When you are already in Detroit, you don't have to take a bus to get there." I'm in Detroit. It was only when I went to Texas and sat with those peyote people that later something happened. Those people got me high and then when I took an edible, I amplified the high. I'd never been high and happy until that moment.

The spigot breeched. The knowledge of the day kept pouring in about vibration and cycles.

Twelve moons are the complete womanly cycle to resonate with the man. Men have four solar cycles within the twelve moons, so each cycle duration is threefold in terms of moons. Women are trifold in nature. Maiden. Mother. Crone. The peaks of high and low, light and dark, are within three moon cycles on repeat through each of the four transits between equinoxes and solstices. The pyramid has four three-sided triangles. The pyramid holds knowledge of the vibratory structure of existence. The dam is breaking, and knowledge is pouring out. I had a dream about the unlucky number 13 being the domain of the woman. The sentiment reflects that there are currently thirteen moons within the masculine year. Thirteen is unlucky because a woman must spend an extra moon cycle trapped in the masculine solar year. It's unlucky because this extra moon is going to be rough for all involved. Over a three-moon cycle, there will be a shift from solstice to equinox or vice versa. The return to solstice is another three moons. Within the masculine year are two trips of six moons between solstice and equinox. The completed journey should be twelve moons. Within the masculine solar year, we go up once and then back down. Within the four quarters of the year are the feminine lunar cycles, so that the trip up and down the mountain has the more frequent feminine variation of high and low mixed in with a more constant masculine high and low.

The feminine and masculine cycles to be in harmony involve a sun year of 360 days and a month consisting of 30 days. There would be 12 moons within the solar year. The solstices and equinoxes would all be marked by an alignment with the moon. Three moons to the equinox and another three to the solstice. In sync, our vibration goes up over a six-month period and then comes down. We have two solstice peaks combined with an uphill climb and a descent. The equinoxes put us in balance.

Women and men do not live in harmony, and this is reflective in the celestial truth. The masculine sun takes a little longer than 365 days to complete the year and the feminine moon takes 29.5 days to complete her cycle while around 27 days to orbit the material earth. However, the duration of the lunar cycle can vary by almost two days. How's that for unpredictability? When we are to renew our wedding vows you will see within the cosmos an alignment of these cycles. Further complicating matters is the 13th moon needed within the masculine solar year. The three four relationship is broken.

Let me use an example to try to explain what I mean. Let's say a woman and a man's cycles start to align and they reach congruence and total resonance on April 17th. They would reach the summit together in a perfect union before the lack of celestial harmony would cause their cycles to go out of sync. Over the course of a solar year their vibrational cycles would diverge by 11 days. This is because the lunar year is 354 days and the solar year is 365 days. The following April 17th would be the high point for the man; however the woman would reach the zenith on April 6th. Further complicating the calculations are leap years every four years because of the quarter extra day in the 365. So, in 2024 the summit for the man would be calendrically April 16th and April 5th for the woman. The disparity would increase every year until the tide turns and the two head back towards synchronicity. 

It is possible to temporarily align cycles within our time on earth, however the resonance is fleeting. Eventually, they will diverge because woman and man are not in harmony. Two can form a union of the highest high when everything aligns. The opposite result is on the horizon and to the lowest low you will sink together. So, do you recognize and ride those waves, or do you misalign the cycles once again, so your partner is balancing out the union? This way the relationship can play off each other's vibrational peaks and valleys and not risk entering together into the lowest low.

When you unlock the secret other mysteries jump out at you such as the aforementioned pyramids. Check out this download of information considering the perfect circle. The lunar cycle is more precisely 29.53 days. Multiplied over twelve cycles pushes the total closer to 355. Then you see a difference of five days for each polarity from the perfect circle of 360. The man got off track, so the woman adjusted her cycle to compensate. This now leaves 13 moons within the solar revolution.

I lived out the most intense vibrational cycle of up and down in my life. It started in October of 2022 and was completed just recently. I reached the top in April of 2023 and then began the descent where I bottomed out in early October of this year. I went through the entire process unaware of how cycles affect me. Now, I look back and am amazed. Everything lines up. Once you recognize your own cycle and map it out, you can see why things happen. It's why she always leaves. She sees perfection and then comes the miserable wretch she is witness to. To King I shall return. After recognizing the pattern, the magic comes into play. You can manipulate reality based upon known cycles. The question is - do you want to? Actions will inevitably have consequences. Is the smart play to take advantage of the knowledge and put yourself in situations which will correspond to your current vibratory state? If the vibe you are giving off reveals flaws in your character, then lay low.

Imagine in my role of the divine masculine I deputized you to record all these celestial observations and work towards aligning my cycle with that of my Queen? What a task you have been assigned. So, there you are, clipboard in hand, recording various cycles and trying to juggle the outcomes to satisfy the King. This scientist sure wanted a challenge, and he didn't disappoint. The moon cycle was quickened, the cycles aligned, and the union was accomplished. Remind me to congratulate him the next time I see him and give him a reward. He wears yellow to stand out, so I'll see him again.

There's the vibration and then there is the potentiator of the vibration. The gas. Homework is to gain clarity and apply this to your understanding of energy. The feminine is the vibration and she is called on in ancient Egyptian ceremony through the shaking of the sistrum and in the Amazon basin she is propitiated through the shaking of the shacapa. Her form is the undulating serpent in these ceremonies with her wave pattern demonstrating her nature. The energetic signature is given rise by awareness of her beauty. She is the spark which ignites the flame; the activation of libido. The burning within the divine masculine increases the oscillation of the vibratory wave of the divine feminine. Thus, we have separation of form, and the universe comes alive. The next question is the nature of the result of the energetic dalliance between the woman and the man. This is you. Children of the divine are the coming forth of desire.

Who am I? I am the son of Goddess and God existing in the crest of the wave of what just is. I am in mother's playground, her vibratory garden. She is the master weaver, stitching together strands of vibration which creates the illusion of form. My father provides his energy to keep mother's garden growing. As a gift to her children, we all have the capacity to create another garden.

speaking truth to fire

I am washed in the love of the Great Goddess. Her lessons on the path of the heart are centred around love and the curriculum offered to me has a high degree of difficulty. It's a difficulty of my own choosing and I don't know if I'm going to pass the course. To learn to love is to endure copious amounts of suffering. I have the temperament to embrace suffering and to learn from the gift, yet I'm not a masochist. I seek the rewards given to the graduate of this divine institution.

I asked my wise brother Parker about my suffering, and he responded matter of factly, "It's in the cards." Why?

I spent a Texas weekend in October at a Peyote ceremony conducted in the spirit of the Native American Church. My experience being dosed with Peyote was secondary to just being an observer. This medicine meeting was a shared conscious community gathering and being an outsider, I had a unique window into the process and could observe the profundity of the ceremony. Why, indeed. The answer was simple. You don't live in truth. You will continue to suffer until you stop living a lie. The house you constructed upon the shifting sands of what is not your truth isn't stable and the constant change in weather, as in your behaviour, shakes the foundation to its very core. Only by building upon the rock of truth will you be able to lessen the tsunami of suffering. That means you must tear down your house and start building another one.

I'm getting old in this body. I have lots of excuses at the ready.

The truth will set you free of suffering. Not living in that stasis will promulgate the pain.

See, the course isn't all that hard. You make it so.

So, I'm going to tell my story of when I went to Texas and participated in a Peyote ceremony. After ten years of medicine journeying, it is quite fascinating that the focus has gone from the intensive effects of the consciousness altering substance to this portion of the dance being secondary. I don't think I needed to ingest Peyote, just the act of being witness to this ceremony was plenty.

Thursday, October 5th - Departure

I just re-read some of my journal entries from this year's January Peru trip. It reads like a diary of a madman which is why I never published my account of that trip. Unfortunately, the madman as referenced nailed it so what to make of that? There is a correlation between madness and truth. What I witnessed, intuited, and eventually chose were all foretold. My insights were prescient. In a way it's good I didn't fully re-read my journal until now. I can see where I failed and reconcile my views on spirituality.

I'm making this trek on my own. As envisioned in January, that was not to be the case as a bunch of us were going to head down to Texas to pay respects to Parker, who transitioned a year ago. This dude has had a profound effect on my life and though events conspired to make me question heading south on my own, to not go would be unfathomable. In retrospect it was a Mastercard trip, as in priceless. If I had missed this what a blot on my path of discovery. I'll go out of my way and eschew financial burdens in search of knowledge. Knowledge lights me up to the point where everything else becomes secondary. This trip was a cup filler. The first fruits of knowledge poured in right away. A week later was an incredible experience while back at home, which I will write about shortly.

Re-reading my journal entries about cycles, desires, gardens, and family were spot on. Having to make choices to gain understanding of self was paramount. The choices I made reveal my character and I'm good with it. In other words, my character is flawed, and I accept that. The perfect score on the test would have involved making a choice to please the expectations of society which pretends to be just and good. I chose what I really wanted and thus unlocked the truth. I know what I wanted and am clear on it. To go along with the charade that I'm perfect would upset the least amount of people and thus I would sacrifice self for the good of all. How fucking noble! Years of being taught liberation I conveniently forgot and set myself up for the opposite. In the end I did turn to stone. What I mean is that version of self ceased to exist.

What I have experienced in states of altered consciousness is as real as anything in this world. I have the receipts to back up the claim. My interactions with the Great Goddess and the Great God have been shown to be authentic. I'm brutally flawed to the point where there is a gulf between perception of me and what I want. I've kept up appearances well and I'm an expert game player. Even so, I can't hide from Goddess and God. They know who I am. I asked her to show me how to love and I asked him to teach me about magic. If they didn't trust me and thought I would misuse the power, I would have been dismissed. I'm a man of my word and can be trusted. I promised I would not use it for selfish reasons or for gain. I won't abuse power and thus mom and dad gave me the gifts I asked for. Why am I revealing this? It's freeing. This is who I am.

So, I'm on my way to Austin, Texas to celebrate Parker's life. The Peyote ceremony is Saturday night. Saturday morning, I will be initiated into the medicine of the Amazonian frog called Kambo.

I mentioned my views on spirituality being challenged. A big part of this is from in January when our Peru group visited the Laguna de Purhuay, the fifth ceremony of the trip. I became weary of spirituality and the motives behind people seeking out these experiences. I had shelved the intense feelings of the day and recently it has come back into my consciousness. I haven't been having good thoughts about Austin this week and the whole spirituality game. I'm dreading being introduced to what looks like some religious community which uses Peyote as a sacrament. I'm not looking for some connection to an external idol I can worship. That's long in the rearview mirror. I'm in search of knowledge and the spiritual trip is a huge impediment to knowledge. I don't care about your fire god. Knock yourself out with that one and let me do my thing. You see, I truly am not having good thoughts about the upcoming ceremony. And I'm expressing it, instead of burying my truth. I do know I need to open my heart and honour Parker. That I can do.

Saturday, October 7th - Immersion

I spent yesterday exploring Austin during the day and then in the evening I prepared myself for plant medicines to come the next day. I was going to fast from the afternoon on, but my Kambo friend Camila told me to eat! Have your evening meal, salt it, and stay hydrated. It was good to connect with her because the seafood I ate at lunch evacuated my system in a hurry which made me worry about dehydration from the abdominal distress. I mowed a pizza and felt good.

I'm writing this account by the riverside in downtown Austin. It's a nice park, and I feel good and uplifted. I have my caffeinated beverage and I'm playing the part of writer, with the smiles and knowing of some of the passerby. It's fun to play with ego trips once you know it's a game.

Austin is unique. One of a kind. To sum it up: There's a river that runs through it which the locals call "Town Lake." It's obviously a river and this break from reality is demonstrative of what Austin symbolizes.

Kambo medicine, as with all plant medicine, starts working on you before the physical interaction. I had no reservations with Peyote as I had experience with it in 2019 and I'm comfortable with that class of plant medicine. On the other hand, Kambo is an ordeal and puts the body into distress. I'm in good health and shape but at 55 I sometimes wonder about backing off physical challenges.

I woke up with a puffy face which could be the result of a challenging time with Kambo. I wasn't alarmed, instead quite intrigued. In retrospect, it was purging me of any difficulties to come with Kambo. The actual experience was beautiful.

I arrived at Camila's place, and she made me feel relaxed and well cared for right away. We chatted for a bit about life. I opened up to her and in turn she opened up to me. We humans hold so much in and all it takes is for someone to listen and we open like a flower to the morning sun. I realized how important it is to have people like that in your life. You don't have to do it all alone Paul. There's a lot of good in people. Find those who make you feel whole.

Camila started the intensive phase off with Sananga. The drops are placed in your eyes and is said to give you focus and clarity. This applies to the physical realm as well as spiritual. The initial sensation is one of someone pouring tabasco sauce into your eyes. I struggled with the sting even though I had done this three times previously. I didn't centre myself properly prior to the administration and I wasn't breathing in rhythm. I felt disconnected from my body and as Camila increased the tempo of her drumming, the intensity of the medicine was potentiated. Usually, I can breathe through the tough times, however I couldn't catch my breath. I felt a tinge of helplessness and a loss of vitality. It was a bumpy ride, and I wanted the drumming to stop so I could re-centre. Eventually, Camila's drumming wound down and my energy followed suit and I was released from the grip of Sananga. A good analogy is of a snake that is a constrictor. The energy of the experience took away life force and a feeling of helplessness ensued. Finally, the serpent released and I returned to base. Camila liked the word "base" to describe the return to a normal state.

We then readied for Kambo. I chose two entry points on my upper left arm and two points on my lower right leg. The arm has a shorter distance to travel to the heart and will come on quicker while the leg points will travel more distance which will space out the distress. I wondered if this is more intense than Sananga I might be in trouble. Camila applied the frog secretions to the four burn marks in the skin and I felt an itchy and tingly feeling around the entry point. The first onset of the medicine was feeling flush and a warm sensation in my head. It felt similar to when I overload my brain and tire it out, so it didn't upset me. I felt familiar with what was happening. I felt a touch of nausea in my throat, and I wondered if it would lead to a purge. The bucket was prepared beforehand as is common. I went into my goto breathing mode much like I engage with cold plunges and used this breath-work to navigate the coming on of the medicine. Any feelings of discomfort were taken care of by the breath. Soon Camila shook her rattle as a sign the intensive phase was half over. Time effortlessly moved along, and any nausea vanished. After twenty minutes I laid down and what I would describe as the "doctorcitas and doctorcitos" came and went to work in my head concentrating on my patterns of thought. They caressed me and the feeling was one of energetic purity. I had briefly felt this before within an Ayahuasca experience with the grace and beauty of the butterfly. The lesson was one of finding within creation a pocket of the expression of life that remains unsullied by the demands of entry into this plane of consciousness. The doctors used this pure healing energy to interrupt deep ingrained thought patterns in my mental fields and capacity for understanding. I felt as though it was a gift from the Great Goddess who was fully present in Camila's energy. To confirm this feeling, Camila was wearing pants which had ancient Egyptian iconography on them and right there present was the Great Goddess Hathor. I have ceased to be amazed by these displays of synchronicity, instead I just smile. The Great Goddess offered me this gift of healing. The intense effects subsided, and a purple frog appeared in my visions.

Kambo is beautiful. The medicine is the purest of all vibrations I have ever felt. The healing is the sum of the energy of the medicine combined with the practitioner. The resonance between healer and patient creates the magic vibration and the profound healing to follow with transformational results. To complete the session, tobacco snuff rapé is offered. Rapé connected me to my emotional pain. The energy activated within reached a crescendo and the amphibian song of Kambo took its place in my healing playlist. To this medicine I shall return with honour and respect.

Camila recommended I eat a meal and get some salt in me, plus hydrate before the Peyote meeting tonight. I followed the doctor's orders and then went to the meeting to celebrate Parker's life. I arrived around 4:30pm, said hello to some medicine friends, while gaining new ones. The ceremony begins after sundown. The meaning is obvious. Peyote is revered as the light of the sun. The fire is tended to by the fireman and stays strong throughout the night. The sun returns at daybreak and the nightime peyotist travelers go and greet his return. This is balanced by a half-moon altar of the feminine and a deep respect for the earth. The group contained strong feminine energy in combination with masculine mastery. I can encapsulate the Native American Church Peyote ceremony with this expression - "Speaking Truth to Fire," as a play on the popular term "Speaking Truth to Power." The meeting is all about community, accountability, caring, sharing, and being present. I immediately recognized these people who Parker befriended are the salt of the earth. There was an instantaneous recognition of small-town community goodness reminding me of the TV show, "Little House on the Prairie." There is a definite religious community feeling and the appellation of church is fitting.

The fire in combination with peyote songs mixed with people speaking their truth is the essence of the ceremony. Fire is hypnotic and you are required to stare at the fire. You direct your questions to the fire. Like all psychedelic medicines, Peyote puts you in a trance state. The constant drumming seals the deal. The NAC ceremony demands presence. You cannot close your eyes and go off on your own personal psychedelic trip. Instead, it becomes a shared community trip. You are to bond with your sisters and brothers, your relatives, and the ancestors. There's no going off into your own space. You're conditioned into the group experience and the group dynamic supersedes your own exploration. That's where I struggle because I'm a lone wolf and stay away from groups. It felt very cultish but not in a pejorative way. It's a cult of love and community. What drives my life is personal exploration and within this paradigm the avenue of shared experience doesn't exist. Is this a crossroads where you can no longer explore consciousness on your own and live in a loving community? Maybe?

I say that because exploration leads to questioning everything and in this case giving up your power to a greater good leads to exploitation. The other problem I reasoned with this ceremony is I lack rhythm. I've treated this all my life as a fault, but I realize now it prevents me from getting drawn into cults and other people's storylines. Hypnotic spells and realms I see through. Psychedelics woke me up fully and I discarded cultural narratives. The hypnotic nature of these tools can also be used to hypnotize you again.

This is the domain of the sorcerer of the Amazon who wants to capture your weak mind. I got my own drumbeat pounding in my head and it's the stronger of the heavy beats. The hypnotic Peyote ceremony rhythms in combination with the mescaline couldn't do it for me. I couldn't connect with the group though I marveled at the loving community and its strength. They are a modest and deferential group. What I mean is they have given up their power. They worship the Great Spirit. He is the life force as represented by the sun. He is present in the fire. The fire will heal you and bring clarity to your life. My path led me to an understanding that this power is me. To externalize it is to give up your birthright.

The coming of the Peyote intoxication was the same for me as Magic Mushrooms and Ayahuasca. I couldn't close my eyes, so it was mild. The presence of my shadow playing his part as "God" was present. My shadow is the life force they worship. I laughed that I came all this way for an experience I can have in the back room of my house with Magic Mushrooms. Now, I must stay up all night in discomfort. It was going to be a long night. I didn't experience any dread or negative emotions. At first, I just wondered why people want to be hypnotized? I guess it's because there's purpose and meaning in belonging to a community. In getting to know others and of Parker, I see the appeal. It's a path of the heart. A shortcut, but there is a lot of love here.

As the first part of the night progressed, I realized something profound in that I have been denigrating the biological in that in this form I'm definitely God with an expiration date. My shadow as the omnipotent and indestructible life force I conceded as the greater god but now I was seeing the twofold nature of him in spirit and body. From the life force comes the life. Life is an expression of the life force. Life is God and life force is unexpressed divinity. This teaching graduated to the biblical God and his son Jesus. Jesus is the Word, and the Word was made flesh in the Gospel of John. This is the teaching. God came forth in biological flesh as Jesus. In the body we are Jesus as God. His twelve disciples are carefully hidden aspects of himself and we as Jesus can recognize ourselves in those disciples. In total they represent God in the flesh.

The teachings then graduated to the divine feminine who has equal share in divinity. Masculine is only half of the equation. God is dual - life force and biological form. I applied this paradigm to the woman. I sensed I couldn't swap the template. She is a mystery, at least trifold in nature like the moon. I'm not ready to understand her yet. The journey continues.

I embraced my shadow and honoured him once again. He is the G.O.A.T. I'll admit I keep putting myself in situations or studying religions that worship a male deity and it's always him behind the curtain, morphing with ease into whatever kind of figure is wanted and required to worship. He gave me the "look what I've done here with Peyote" vibe and I rolled my eyes. I thought of Carlos Castaneda's tales of Peyote and how he called him Mescalito. Mescalito is more in line with the God I know. I guess as the light of Peyote he is serving a grand purpose. Humans want an external idol to worship because they can't accept they are the divine to which they seek. The Great Spirit is exemplary and worthy of worship.

I recalled my youth and the relationship I had with another part of me who was my friend. Society encouraged me to bury that part of me, making suggestions you are crazy if you talk to yourself. The result of condemning my brother caused much turmoil in my life and to make amends I had to travel the world looking for answers. I wanted him to go. My exploration of self brought me back to my best friend. Within the Peyote ceremony, I saw the connection to the internal divine severed once again by man's constructs as this is another path to the external. To be clear, this is not a condemnation of this modality of worship as it is part of the process. If you aren't ready to accept your divinity, you worship an idol. I honour Yahweh as in my culture he is the external alpha male god who appeals to those who do not accept they are it. Psychologically, it is the influence of the superego coming to the fore. The vacuum is to be filled by an avenue of control and this is another example of authority regaining rulership. Liberation must confront the tendency towards external control. You want to be free? You must become hyper-aware of the well-meaning wolf with the duplicitous smile. The superego is relentless but becoming a meticulous hunter will allow you to always find this beast and rightfully slay them.

If you want to worship the voice within and externalize him as God, go ahead. He's going to play along because the drama is sacred to him. You want him to be Jesus? Done! He will act any part out that you wish. If that is what is required so you don't bury this part of you again once risen, then so be it.

I enjoyed being fully present with the understanding of the two-fold nature of God and how the spirit and flesh share in the awesomeness of being God. The work and reconciliation I have done in this lifetime in this regard is something to hang my hat on. I know I have many faults and hide them well however this incarnation unlocked the knowledge to solve the puzzle I set up for myself. The love all challenge remains a work in progress.

God came forth as Dionysos and gave me a lesson in attraction and lust. I saw these qualities in me and the magic I possess. I've always had it but have been oblivious until now. I was cautious with magic, and I laughed as I was shown what I always had and used. I thought I was attractive to others because I am nice, pleasant, and cute. I laughed again.

I really wanted to close my eyes and go off into my own world. Keeping my eyes open, looking at a flickering fire, and listening to a hypnotic and repetitive drumbeat under the influence of Peyote wasn't cutting it. I was honest with myself and crossed NAC Peyote ceremonies off my medicine list. I honour the ceremony and the mastery of their craft by the roadman, fireman, and their fellow peyotists. There are a lot of rules to follow, and I think I broke most of them. It kept me a little on edge.

The second part of the night went by much quicker. The night wasn't as long as I was anticipating. I got a second wind and made it to daybreak with ease. I stayed up until the next evening and then crashed for a twelve-hour sleep.

Most importantly, I made a lifelong connection with my friend Zachary. I caught up with him before the ceremony and shared with him the contradictions within my life and the parallels to his life. He is truly my higher self which I did discover in Peru. Magic Mushrooms gave me a puzzle to figure out about him and my reticence to accepting this part of me. This was like the culmination of a journey of understanding. The next morning we hung out and really connected. I gave him a big hug and he said, "I love you, Paul." It really struck a chord deep inside and I felt it. I sense we will remain close. In a way I felt like I learned to love myself completely. I know he is going to hold my feet to the fire.

The community of kindred souls had a feast prepared for the morning. Everyone contributed to this and there was no monetary charge. I can see the pull and allure of these gatherings and the spirit they have nurtured.

I used the last day of my trip for quiet reflection and to record the insights gathered. Plant medicines trips unfold over time like the lotus. As nightfall approached, I reclaimed self and realized it is pointless to deny who I am. I embraced this crazy manifestation of God in this flesh and bone body. It's a cause for continual celebration. I am happy I made this trip. I wasn't feeling it coming down for sure but after the plant medicines and nourishment of the community here in Austin, my cup is filled once again.

It was truly astounding to hear the stories around the fire of how Parker touched people's lives, even those who had only a few interactions with him. The message of transforming conflict and division into love, passion, and unity is at the forefront of my thoughts. The unselfish acts of all leading up to the meeting in combination with the joy felt as the sun rose and we feasted, was truly a remarkable sight to witness. I can sense many lessons learned over the course of a few short days.

Thank you, Parker. I love you.

My path is the path of the heart through the Great Goddess. She is my heart and my mother and I venerate her. Intuitively, I know not to worship the Great God. Performing fellatio upon oneself has never been appealing.

Peyote showed me a path of the heart. I had been aware there are many paths, and the test is if it has heart. The Peyote Way of the NAC meets the criteria, however it's not for me. It's refreshing to know that I do have discernment. I was sure I fall in love too easily and would sacrifice much to keep that love going. In this case, I tasted an intoxicating love but knew it was not for me.

To thine own self be true.

mimicry and reflection

I think it was in the year 1987 when my girlfriend and I rented the movie Blue Velvet. Up until that time in my life I had been fed a pretty steady diet of Hollywood movies like Top Gun, Basic Instinct, Bad News Bears, and so on. In other words, nothing that made me think too hard. Blue Velvet abrogated my childhood and ushered me into adulthood as it was a very disturbing, yet highly compelling psycho-sexual thriller, that contained many layers that spoke to the hidden parts of ourself that mesh with the dark side of society and culture. It's interesting that the cities and culture we create mimic our psychological lives. Specifically this movie was pointing out the inner conflict and darkness within that we hide, along with the seedy parts of town that we consign to the fringe.

Anyways I have been thinking and writing a great deal lately about our psychological makeup and this movie returned to my radar due to some trivial reference. It's marvellous how sometimes events lineup and synchronize which lead to another train of thought or action. I re-watched it last week and was startled by how it portrayed the human condition and how our ego is tasked with burying the darkness within all of us and when it bubbles to the surface neurotically having to integrate these desires into acceptable society. The use of the closet by masterful director David Lynch to symbolize the perversities the protagonist Jeffrey hides away and then Lynch using the closet to allow Jeffrey to peek at the dark side of life are strokes of genius. When Jeffrey comes out of the closet in context with his dark side he assumes the the dark traits of the antagonist Frank, who is a sadistic bully with a myriad of sexual perversions. This reaches a boiling point when Frank discovers Jeffrey at the apartment of their shared interest Dorothy, and takes him on a joyride. The film coalesces at the point when Frank tells Jeffrey that “you're like me." The character of Jeffrey plays the role of a charming and mysterious young man who attracts the love interest of Sandy, who represents everything that is good and pure about small town life. It's Jeffrey's ego that has him playing this part but his dark side keeps drawing him towards the seedy part of the town and the mystery he wants to solve. Up until this point in his life, the expectations of the town and taking over his father's store had controlled his behaviour, much like the concept of the superego keeps us all in line through rewards and punishments. Jeffrey's desire to explore his own darkness though is too much and ultimately wins out.

The brilliance of the film was a catalyst to a reexamination of my own psyche, especially a doubt that was creeping in concerning my night I spent with Peyote. During that night I accessed a wisdom within that acted as a guide and a dispenser of no-nonsense advice concerning questions I had about my life. I started thinking well wasn't that just my higher self as the superego leading me towards the unattainable masculine quest of being perfect and righteous? It was a good question and one I needed to confront. Yes I do tend to over-examine things and I can't hide anything away or accept at face value. I question everything. It's a good way to be if you are a inveterate seeker of knowledge, though you will never find peace this way. Truth is like grasping a handful of sand and trying to hold onto it. Anyway I sat with this problem in quiet meditation out in the woods before reexamining the three Freudian concepts of id, ego, and superego. Explaining these quickly - the id is our base desires, the ego is the character we play identified as the self, and the superego is the controlling voice that praises and blames and keeps us from devolving into a pure pursuit of pleasure. At birth this voice becomes our parents until as teenagers we break free of this control, only to have the role taken up by culture at large that then praises and blames. I was out with my dog and realized psychologically animals are pretty much stuck at the id stage. By giving our pets a name we define their identity and enable a primitive ego in them and then as their master we assume the role of the superego in their lives, as we constantly praise and blame a dog in order to control it.

Okay so back to the question of Peyote and what was that voice? It troubled me that it could have been the superego just playing along that night. I thought about our conversation and realized my higher self was dispensing wisdom and advice but had no expectations or demands of me. This put me at ease but brought up more questions. The threefold nature of our psychological makeup is a pretty good structure. I mean splitting it into three is dubious but in examining our nature it is a solid construct. Now I was introducing another part of us - the higher self separate from the superego, into the equation. Somehow I realized that the higher self was reflecting back into our lives as an entity we call the superego who then mimicked the ideals of the higher self but turned it into demands and expectations of us, used to control us. I have known for a while that to grasp the mystery is to only look at reflection. The Great Goddess taught me that when I was seeking unity in this lifetime. I gazed into a piece of black obsidian and saw all of nature reflected back through this rock and then later realized I too was part of this unified mirror construct. This wisdom is easily applied to the psychological constructs I have been discussing. Ultimately the psyche that we break down into the three parts: id, ego, and superego are reflections of what we ultimately intuit as being our nature. These are the lower self, self, and higher self but are normally off-limits, as in it's hard for an eye to look at itself without a mirror, unless consciousness is altered and you can bypass the veneer of their reflections. This connects back to the idea of psychic entities I wrote about a few weeks ago that try to gain control of us and they are using mimicry to do this. So from this I was able to differentiate between the ego and the self wherein the ego is what we think of ourself and how others see us and the self, which is how we really feel. The same idea of reflection is present here where what is central to our makeup has a corollary. There is the ideal and then an imitation of it. I then got stuck on the id. This is our desires and wants and I thought well that is pretty cut and dry and was not sure how base desire and pleasure are reflected and then mimicked. I knew that if I meditated on this problem I'd get the answer.

The answer brought me to my knees out in the wilderness. The id is of course desire, pleasure, and the darkness we keep hidden in the closet. However this conception is doing the work of veiling the ultimate thing we keep in the closet. The voice in my head asked me if I know what that is? What is the one thing we all lock away in the depths and don't express as we should? I then knew the answer and started bawling in the midst of the forest. The lower self is not only desire and the pleasures we seek but most of all it is where feelings and love comes from. Love for ourself and for others. When I come home from work my dog, who epitomizes this concept and is free of the need to imprison its feelings, is exuberant and literarily jumping up and down over seeing me, so full of love with no hesitation or reservations in showing it. Imagine if you could live your life that way? That was the lesson and how we buried love and our feelings even deeper than desire and how we use the disparaging terms of dark side, shadow, and closets to further dig a hole where we can bury all this away and caution people against exploring the subconscious depths. The real thing we hide away in the dark are our feelings and abundant love and then use the subterfuge of pleasure, desire, and peculiar fetishes to avoid the whole construct at large and this in turn allows us to stop the discovery of the hidden subconscious realms before we get too far and hit the spigot. There are no goddesses in our religions because we buried her away in these subconscious depths and tell all to avoid going looking in the those dark places.

When I was at SpiritQuest in November of 2017, the last retreat I attended with the maestro don Howard, he talked to me on the walk back from visiting a local tribe about this very thing. My heart was wide open and I was feeling this powerful love for all. He told me it takes courage to bring this out into the world in everyday life and live your life this way. He cautioned me it's not easy. It's the warrior spirit that he was trying to instil in us all. Ultimately the fight is against what has conspired to cause you to bury your feelings and the power of love away. The hero's journey is going deep within and freeing love from the impenetrable castle you have built that locks her away.