love is freedom

At my Mesa last night, I finally understood Ram Dass' mantra, "I am loving awareness."

Oh yeah, do tell.

Well, since you asked, it is about becoming a conduit for love.

Why is that necessary?

I noticed that love doesn't really exist, or it seems to be rare in this world.

People go around saying they love each other, but the truth is they are using each other.

It sounds crass, but I deduced that the love we refer to is a structure built upon a network of caring for each other.

Now, I know this sounds kind of crazy, so bear with me.

Caring is necessary in order to get others to love you.

The default state is to not care about other people, however, when you practice this, it turns out no one will care about you.

This leads to a lack of love in your life because our concept of love involves caring.

The twisted part of this love is that it is selfish because you only care for other people in order to receive a care package in return.

The motivating factor in caring about other people is that you want something from them.

What you want is for them to care about you.

Why don't you just play that game?

I can't.

Why not?

It's a lie.

Why?

I don't care about others.

Well, then no one will care about you.

I asked the Great Goddess a long time ago about unconditional love.

I don't think we are ready to know about unconditional love.

Why?

No one practices it.

Unconditional love is loving though you don't care.

There are no conditions.

Do you see that anywhere?

No.

Can you love someone even if they hurt you?

That's tough.

A dog loves you when you feed and walk them.

You love your dogs for their companionship.

It's conditional.

If you fed your dog and then it took off, would you still love your dog?

I'd care about their wellbeing and keep feeding them.

Yeah, you'd care.

I already don't care enough in my life.

How is that working out for you?

It's the secret sauce to life.

Don't care and do nothing.

Yes, but it leads to a lack of love and no friends.

I see that.

I don't feel used.

I don't have anyone I can call on in a time of need.

You are a special case.

You don't even use free government services or work benefits.

Why don't you?

It's a master slave relationship.

So, you want to be the master like with your dogs?

No.

I want them to be free.

I never treated my dogs that way in terms of being their master.

I let Brindle roam.

She was free to do whatever she wanted.

I had to keep Luna on a leash or corralled around the house because she was nuts.

In the woods, I let her run.

I took her every day into the woods and just let her loose.

I remember when I first did it and let her free.

She loved it.

So, you can see it, right?

Love is freedom.

Freedom is an unconditional gift.

You can do whatever you want with it.

There are no attachments.

In this lesson plan, where have you learned there are no attachments?

In Hell.

If you have a lot of attachments, you end up in Hell.

Why?

You burn them in the fire.

That's what the fires of Hell are for.

You throw all your worldly attachments into the fire, and you are free.

No one is attached to going to Hell.

Everyone is attached to going to Heaven.

It's very funny.

You shed your worldly attachments and ascend to Heaven, the biggest attachment on the go.

Okay, you nutter, you are saying in Hell is where you find freedom and will discover how to love unconditionally.

Yes, it's a shit show in Hell because no one cares and is doing whatever they want.

That extreme doesn't work.

So, you can't love unconditionally because it leads to a hellscape?

It appears to be so.

However, if you wish to learn to love unconditionally, Hell is a great place to start.

I think there is merit to that suggestion, however I'm trying to find unconditional love on earth.

There is only one way.

What's the way?

I am loving awareness.

You love everything you are aware of.

The best part of the mantra is you repeat it over and over again and you don't know what it is, but it sounds like a good thing.

When you are ready, you get the lesson.

It's a difficult lesson.

It's a lonely life if you don't care.

Do you think you can love unconditionally?

Yes.

Why do you think that?

Because I couldn't have had this adventure without everyone else.

Without them, there is no adventure.

So, the condition is you need them to have this adventure?

No, I didn't ask them.

No one here on earth is here because of a condition.

We all showed up on this voyage of the damned out of our own free will.

We had freedom and we chose this earth adventure.

I can love all because they are part of my adventure though they had no intention of helping me out.

You are one clever motherfucker.

therapy

Nobody does anything for me.

Part of that is by design.

You don't like it.

Yes, but I have noticed no one does anything for me.

Name one thing someone does for you?

I can't.

It's why people like you around.

You don't ask for anything.

You don't want anything from them.

You give and get nothing in return.

Isn't that out of balance?

No, they are both extremes and thus balance.

Do you want something in return?

Maybe once in a while.

An acknowledgement.

It's not love, it's transactional.

Are you loving?

No.

Do you feel love returned?

No.

If you were more loving, you would get more in return.

What does that entail?

You are giving.

Money and time.

People want you to show up.

Why?

They want to know you care.

Do people care?

They want others to care about them.

They must care for others, or no one will care for them.

It's reciprocal.

So, they don't love each other, it's a practical thing to have a community of friends and family for when you need them.

Yes, and they call on you.

Oh.

You thought people just loved each other.

Yes.

You thought you lacked that ability.

You lack the ability to ask others for stuff.

Well, thanks doctor.

So, love doesn't exist?

It does, but it's rare.

Romantic love is everywhere, but we know that is toxic.

Unconditional love is not expecting something in return.

Human relationships involve expecting something in return.

I thought I was incapable of love, and it turns out I just don't ask people to do stuff for me.

That's why you don't fit in.

The herd wants you to go.

I've noticed.

What are you going to do?

Ignore them.

Why?

They are unreasonable.

They want you to join their group so they can ask you to do stuff.

Conform to their wishes.

I see that.

It's not going to happen.

Why?

I don't like people in general.

I like dogs.

You feed and walk them, and they love you.

It's simple.

Dogs know how to give back.

Humans don't.

They will look for an advantage.

The things no friends really want to do are outsourced.

Yes, to Uber and all those things that you pay for a service.

Humans do stuff if they get paid.

It motivates them.

This community thing is trying to get people to do stuff for free.

The ones who are big in the community will look to take advantage of it.

They will get you to do stuff and try to profit off it.

Like politicians?

Yes.

It's a pyramid scheme where you give to the ones at the top.

Sometimes I play therapist for my other half.

Without asking.

I just do it.

I know when it's needed.

People need friends.

Why?

They need people at their funeral.

Wedding.

That's how they cash in at death.

They see how many they can get to their funeral.

Your dad said they need to rent an arena for his funeral.

Fuck, I can see this as a major motivating factor for a lot of people.

You're worried about death and you manifest that worry by trying to get as many people to come to your funeral as possible.

You think you will be remembered and get eternal life that way.

What about you?

I'm on a path where no one will come to my funeral except maybe my kids.

Why?

I don't care and I don't obsess over death.

I wanted to figure it out.

I did.

It's all good.

I'm just playing along.

I feel better after talking this one through.

Vilca was your ticket to ride.

I was so high that day I did not need that.

I can see no Peyote, Mushrooms, Ayahuasca, or Vilca ever again.

I could see Huachuma.

Shouldn't I have had these love discussions with Ayahuasca?

No, that medicine is nuts.

Monster women are crazy.

Why did you expect Ayahuasca to be different?

Mary Jayne is crazy.

Yeah, she has a split personality.

I love it.

I like her.

MJ changed like to love.

I love her crazy.

MJ is showing you your split.

She's good at it.

Well, she is both Mary and Jayne.

She brings the two out of you.

That's why people get scared of you.

I can see that.

I haven't changed.

The other half of me isn't quiet anymore.

They liked the old you.

Shut up and fall in line.

Right.

I played the game.

I can't go on a plant medicine retreat.

I just go in the woods, and it is incredible.

You love her, don't you?

You love Mary.

And Jayne.

I like both.

You were on your way to Hell.

It was going to happen, but I got out of it.

This time it's different.

I'm the Devil and I know it.

The monster would be taking the Devil home.

Then I thought maybe that's how they get rid of you.

They send you back to Hell.

Don't I have the keys?

Yes.

Peter has the keys to Heaven.

He works for me at the Catholic Church.

That actually works.

Yes, Jesus looked at Peter and said, "Get behind me Satan."

You're wasting your time; you should have become a biblical scholar.

No doubt.

The monster sends you to Hell, but you have the keys to that portal.

I have the Heaven keys as well.

Peter looks after them.

You can't lock me in Hell.

That's wishful thinking in Revelation.

Where are they going to banish me?

I don't know.

Lake of Fire?

That's my home.

It's like banishing Odysseus to Ithaca.

You make a good point.

It's stupid.

You have the keys to both portals.

Yes.

I opened them up last Peru trip.

I didn't know.

You didn't see me.

They were trying to get you out through the portal before you woke up and figured it out.

Now, it's too late.

You are saying I can go through the portals if I want.

Yes.

The monster takes you to Hell and you can laugh at her.

Yes, you have the keys.

You wouldn't worry about it.

Would I go to Hell?

No, you are having too much fun here.

When it stops being fun then you can go to Hell.

No, I'll go to Dog Heaven.

So, the monster can't take me to Hell.

No.

You must choose.

You must choose a portal.

I know not to choose.

I have the keys.

Yeah, it's don't choose, and they both stay open.

If you choose, they close.

They are trying to close them.

They want to get you in one and then close it.

Clearly Heaven wasn't working.

They tried Hell.

They want to get rid of you.

You're death.

You keep death's door open.

It's Heaven or Hell.

Got it.

You opened the Gates of Hell.

I opened Heaven's Gate as well.

They want to lock you away.

Like in Revelation?

Yeah.

Cool.

If they lock you up, people will get eternal life in New Jerusalem.

Right.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

They call you a murderer because you are death.

They say nasty things about you.

Yes, because I have the power.

They want it.

I don't use it.

I let people choose their own destiny unless they ask me to change the story.

I will do that for them.

Some were headed to Heaven, and they wanted to switch it up to Hell.

That's why they asked me.

They ask God when they are on the other path.

Someone on the path to God doesn't ask God to save them.

They want a shepherd.

You don't buy all this 100%.

It's pretty good though.

Very believable.

You could just be a nut thinking up all this stuff and seeing parallels and coincidences in the real world.

Yeah.

What's more believable?

These stories.

I'm not all in.

Nope.

It helps.

This would drive people crazy.

I see that.

They want to confirm this preposterous stuff and when they try, or mention it, they get strange looks from people who aren't awake.

They question their sanity.

Sometimes it's so real.

That tips you over the edge.

What's your secret?

I believe it and laugh about it.

Peter figured out the game.

I put him at the gate to Heaven.

I can put Paul at the gate to Hell.

He's an apostate.

That's clever.

Or the Devil's representative is at Heaven and God's is at Hell.

That tracks and makes you question it.

Or the apostates see Paul and trust him.

Yeah.

Clever.

They see a Lake of Fire but still trust him.

Fuck.

Catholics see Peter and Protestants see Paul.

They choose.

Death just wants you to choose.

The monster took you to the portal of Hell.

Don Howard to Heaven.

You saw both.

Here you are.

Most jump at the opportunity to go to Heaven.

Bad choices lead you to Hell.

You get one last choice if you can get that far.

Edge and don't choose.

Same thing with Heaven.

Avoided the gate and Vilca.

You know how you avoided it?

The monster.

Yep.

They brought you down from that high.

Peter sees the game because he thought he was getting Heaven but he got Hell.

It didn't work out.

So, that's the secret.

Peter tricks you into thinking you are getting into Heaven?

No, it's your illusion.

Deep down you would have known the answer.

Peter knew what he was signing up for, but he thought it would be Heaven, or that he could make it Heaven.

He fooled himself.

Peter stands at the gate of Heaven as a symbol that you are fooling yourself.

Isn't Heaven nice?

That's what you are told.

What do you see about Heaven?

You worship a narcissist and serve him in perpetuity.

The Bible tells you so.

Why do people fall for it?

They don't want to go to Hell.

They don't realize how fun it is.

So, if you were going to choose one or the other you are saying you should choose Hell.

If you feel obligated to make a choice.

Won't you suffer in Hell?

Aren't you suffering now?

Good point.

Do you think it will get worse?

More of the same.

At least you have some fun.

In Heaven, it's dreadful all the time.

You just worship God day and night.

That sounds like Hell.

Do you get free time?

Yes.

They play the harp, and you must pretend you like it.

Can you masturbate in Heaven?

No.

Can you in Hell?

As much as you want.

Well, why would you choose Heaven?

Peer pressure.

I'm not going to choose either.

Then you will suffer here on Earth.

Well, the Devil I know, right?

It has its strengths.

What about when I die and must choose?

Dog Heaven.

anxiety

Anxiety is crazy.
It's the control and lack of it which will make you crazy.
It's why dictatorships end in disaster.
They get power and they go crazy.
It doesn't matter who you are, that level of control will make you crazy.
Anxious people seek to control their environment and then that wanting of control will make them go crazy.
Depressed people aren't usually crazy.
It's the anxious people who go crazy.
The vibration is out of control.
So, I'm not crazy?
You're good.
You seem crazy to those others who are crazy.
You used to have anxiety when you were younger.
It caused upset, especially in the stomach, and then a worried feeling where you wanted to get it under control.
I remember it.
How did you solve it?
I stopped caring.
The way to prevent anxiety is to stop caring.
If you don't care about something it won't bother you.
Anxiety bothers you.
If you learn not to care, anxiety won't bother you.
Therapists give anxiety patients strategies to cope.
There is an easy solution to the problem.
Just don't care.
It's the magic formula.
That's how you did it.
You stopped caring.
That's how you deal with all your financial problems, relationships, and deadlines.
Pretty much everything.
Is the company going under?
You know, I might care the day it happens because I'll have to get another job, but until then I don't care.
It's like last year where I knew shit was coming but I didn't do anything.
I didn't care until I had to.
The other people end up caring, so they end up doing something.
I just float downstream.
They couldn't believe I took it that far.
I didn't care.
That will be on my gravesite tombstone.
I thought you wanted to be cremated?
Whatever, I don't care.
This strategy prevents anxiety and puts you in the flow.

How's this for psychology?
If the ones who seek control can't get control, they will censor.
Then comes the ban.
They will get rid of the problem.
See how that fits into your life?
Why did the witch get rid of you?
She couldn't control you.
There was nothing wrong with your performance.
Your performance was great.
Yes, thanks Jack.
She couldn't control you.
She's a control freak and you're out of control.
You just pretend that you can be controlled.
It's a fool.

We only love people we care about, and we don't love people we don't care about.
If you love people you don't care about, it's unconditional love.
When you care, you end up suffering.
I learned that last year.
I still wanted to be friends afterwards.
It's because I didn't care.

If you have a mindset of caring and anxiety, how would you understand somebody who doesn't have that mindset?
Do they hate you if you don't care?
They get really pissed off.
Doesn't it damage your heart?
Yes.
You know they want to drag you into their world.
They want to take you into the abyss.
You let them go and see if they return.

The vampire people are feeding off you.
The drain takes away my anxiety.
You let them take a bite, they get anxious, and you feel peace.
That is what you do.

Just as thirst is instructing you to hydrate, anxiety teaches you to slow down.
Take a mental break.
It pushes back against being too high and re-centres you.
Your body will teach you about dosage and passage.
Ingesting Mary Jayne will give you a short-term gain because she is a choice.
The word gain is fluid.
It is an alteration.
The hit of anxiety is the body getting you to slow down.
Mary Jayne will go higher, and your body's balancing mechanism puts the brakes on her.
That's how it works.
The body naturally is an equilibrium machine so to follow the flow and be in a harmonious state listen to your body.
The body will tell you what you need to do and know.
Eventually, stasis leads to no choice.
If you are in perfect balance, you never make a choice.
Being out of balance forces you to make choices to try and balance the initial domino.
Choices can have either effect.
Remember, balance wins the game.
Assess where you are in balance and out of balance and make a choice or no choice to get that domino balanced.
You are spiritually balanced.
This means you make no choices spiritually and you will remain in balance.
Is your life a mess?
Yes and no.
It is a mess but it's a perfect mess.
What to do?
It's a balanced life though quite weird.
It's quite the performance.
Bravo.
The audience will eventually tire of this magic trick but for now it's impressive.
Thank You.
*Bows*

your way

Your way is uniquely your way.

No one else can take you there.

Following someone else's way will lead you to their way.

It's not your way.

Find your way.

Your way will lead you to a surprising conclusion.

If you want to find out who you are, it's the only way.

The story is simple.

It's nonsense.

It's duality.

It's on and off.

It's a porno.

In and out.

Dark and light.

That's it.

You complicate it because you think the story should have meaning and purpose.

You can create meaning within the story.

The story is stupid.

It's a story of two.

You need two to make a story.

You need a third to create and watch the story.

You need a fourth.

Who is the fourth?

The audience.

You don't need them.

Technically, you don't.

You kind of do.

Why?

They will inform you if your story is any good.

They give you, the writer, the energy to keep writing the story.

Without the audience you would do nothing.

There would be no story.

So, to recap you need a writer and two actors.

Plus, you need an audience to watch the story.

That sums up creation.

The two come together and create life.

The new life is another story.

We generate stories.

Stories have a duration and then they expire.

As long as we keep creating stories, the universe will continue.

How do we create stories?

You are taught that in grade school.

On the street we call it fucking.

Who are the two?

Mother and son.

They are one, they separate and become two.

Everything is derivative from those two.

In Christian terms, it's Mary and Jesus.

Mary is threefold in the New Testament.

Sister, friend, mother.

Mary Magdalene is his friend.

Yeah, friend, right.

Didn't Jesus kiss her on the lips?

The commentators say he transferred his wisdom with that gesture.

In truth, it's because he was giving it to her.

I see.

It's simple.

They are everything.

Who are you?

I'm the distant writer.

I'm a few hours away.

You see, I got involved with these two while they were one, and I separated them into two.

I thought you said this was simple.

Now, you are telling me that in order to start the story you had to get involved with two who are one?

I had to separate them to start the story.

Non-duality into duality.

I had to do something.

If I did nothing, nothing would have happened.

What did you do?

I had sex with the Goddess.

So, you created the Goddess in your story and then banged her?

It's called the big bang.

Thematically it's a porno, so that's how I opened the story.

You got involved right away and then left?

Yes, in order to let the story unfold.

It's my story.

Eventually, at the end of the story, I get back with the Goddess.

There's a 15-billion-year separation between us.

That seems like a long time.

It's not for a lack of trying.

I'm persistent.

I want to get back with her, but she is wary of me.

Why?

Because I'm writing the story.

This is my story.

I can't hide my story.

She sees it.

Isn't she honoured?

Yes, but the actions of men treat women as second-class citizens.

How can you honour women and treat them like we do?

Is this a love story?

I've had 15-billion-years to think and write about it.

Is that long enough?

I love her.

She frustrates me.

Yeah, you get pissed off at her and then you separate.

You don't love her unconditionally.

You attach conditions to your love.

She must be a certain way, or you will fall out of love.

Why can't you just love her for who she is?

I don't know why.

I've had 15-billion-years to think of a reason.

Are you going to wait another 15-billion-years or are you going to stop trying to change her?

I'll think about it.

That's all you do.

You think about it.

It's been 15-billion-years, and you haven't made a decision.

It's funny, right?

marriage

The ritual in the forest taught me that sometimes it's better to go ahead and do something, and then while you're doing it think of the next steps.
Jump into something and figure it out along the way.

If you wait to jump, it will pass you by.

I think it's showing me that you're always doing something.

The ritual is me doing something and making decisions on which way to go.

I make the decisions on which way to go after I start doing it.

That's juggling.

That's life.

It's not like you would map juggling out.

If you think about juggling you can't do it, you drop everything.

You juggle and keep figuring it out while you're doing it.

If you stop to figure out how you juggle, you will fail.

You've already known that you're constantly making decisions and then you must juggle them.

The big decisions you don't make.

You make the little decisions.

The big decisions are hard to juggle.

They are the ones that you drop.

When you juggle the little decisions, then it looks like you're a master juggler.

It means you're not dumb enough to take on huge life challenges.

You leave that for the flow.

It's the best strategy.

Don't make those decisions, or if you do, do it half-assed.

Like marriage.

Parenting.

I think doing it half-assed should work out.

It might take a while, but I think it's the best thing to do.

It all depends on what you want to get as a result.

A lot of it boils down to do you want to be successful or do you want to be happy?

You can't be both.

I wanted to be happy.

I am happy.

I sometimes think I'm not.

It's because of my feelings, but sometimes I think there's no way I can be happy because of the damage I have done.

Society tells me that I have many failings.

I do, but I think I make the people around me happy.

They don't want to see it and they want to blame me for their failings.

However, I've made everybody happy.

I gave people what they wanted.

I didn't get what I wanted.

That makes me happy because I know the results of getting what I want.

I would have been miserable.

Success would have brought on misery.

Failure has brought you happiness.

Holy fuck, this wisdom.

When I look back at possible relationships with people, I can't envision any of them working out.

Even your own marriage?

It's worked out, but it kind of doesn't work.

It's in perfect balance.

You don't like each other, but nobody cares.

Most people grow to dislike each other, and they care.

That causes divorce.

When you grow to dislike somebody and you don't care, then it's easy to stick around.

All marriages end in people not liking each other.

Women will tell you that and try to blame you when we all know it's going to happen.

Tao.

I know this is leading to the great cosmic divorce with the Goddess.

I'm being taught that it's understandable you're divorced because you grew to dislike each other while you cared about each other.

If you didn't care about each other, you would stay together.

What's the best solution?

It's Tao.

You don't care and you do nothing.

You will protest, but in my lifetime, I see the marriages that work are the ones where they stay away from being in each other's space.

That's a marriage in Tao.

If you must work at it, it won't work.

The flow of every marriage leads you to dislike your partner.

The answer to that problem is to not care.

You care too much and then you separate.

Passion leads to separation.

The act of caring leads eventually to divorce.

When both people don't care about each other, it leads to a perfect union.

Holy fuck.

You have the perfect marriage.

You figured it out.

No one believes that.

You should become a marriage counselor.

You can answer all the questions honestly.

Well, what about the couples that are still together, and they seem happy after years of matrimony?

One of the parties is hypnotized.

Or one mutually exerts control over the relationship.

You know those ones where the husband complains about being nagged but he secretly wants that.

He wants to be a child and thinks his wife is his mother.

That's weird.

It works for them.

You think Oedipus is fringe.

Marriage gives you a base to play your games.

It steadies you out.

Without it, you would have been destroyed.

It's a counterweight.

You don't go all in because of that.

You have a fallback when the game gets out of control.

You see, every time the game would come to the end of the game, or a chapter, or a level, you always had a place to go.

You would resume what was going on before the latest chapter.

I think I'm a player.

Yeah, you're in the top game.

It's like that whole reality drama thing.

You're the best player.

Yeah, for sure.

You don't win all the time.

You win most of the time.

The times you lose, it's like you let them win.

It's how you fool them into thinking they can win.

Everybody loves games.

She doesn't even like me though I figured out that might be the secret to success.

If you don't care about someone you'll stick together because it doesn't mean anything.

Nobody will care.

I thought the reason for the universe was a porno, now you're telling me it's because of the great cosmic divorce?

They do tie together.

The meaning in the porno you are searching for is why you and the Great Goddess are separated.

I've learned the answer over the last couple of days.

The answer is because we care.

That's kind of nice.

The way to stay together is to not care.

What is the ideal then, should I care or not care?

If I care, then non-duality becomes duality because the two separate.

If I don't care, which is Tao, then existence is all together which is non-duality.

To be in Tao, which is balance, is to not care.

If I care about the Goddess, then that's not Tao.

You are not hypnotized if you care about her.

Remember balance is hypnotism.

Non-duality is hypnotism.

I think I want both.

You would want Tao and then you would want to become a juggler in duality and try to balance all the stories.

The secret to staying together with somebody in this realm is to not care.

Can you not care and still have fun?

Why not?

Can you not care and still love?

Isn't love caring?

Is unconditional love, caring?

No, unconditional love is not caring.

Unconditional love is not caring about what somebody does and just loving them.

You just got schooled in unconditional love.

It's all about not caring.

People think the kind of love where you care for somebody is unconditional.

That love has the most conditions.

Why is that?

Because you're invested and there's a transaction.

What if you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart?

Your heart is the condition.

The only way to practice unconditional love is to not care.

The answer is very simple.

It's very hard to understand.

You have muddied the waters.

I don't know if it's better to care or not care?

It's best that way.

Knowledge was waiting for you to not care so you could understand the knowledge.

When you don't care, you're not invested in it, and you don't have bias.

The knowledge comes easier and it's pure.

If you care, you'll twist the knowledge into what you want.

If you don't care, then the odds are better you'll understand.

So, caring is twisted?

Caring causes distortions.

I can definitely see that.

The twisted writer causes distortions in Tao.

Trying to make it work in a relationship is what causes divorce.

The natural flow will cause repulsion.

Trying to force it by caring about it will cause divorce.

Not caring will allow two to remain together.

Caring will buy you time.

Caring is a magic trick.

You must learn when to use it.

Okay, you're brilliant.

You're way smarter than me.

I am you.

intentions

My intention: Walk the path of the heart. Whoa. It just hit me hard. That's what I'm doing. This sucks. The course puts you through the wringer. "Teach me to love." Okay, you asked for it.

The serpent as the Goddess takes her place at the top of the tapestry encircling the jaguar.

She is in her divine and exalted place. The pinnacle of the spiritual path is the path of the heart. After completing the various grades and assignments you enter into the last phase of the journey. The path of the heart. It sounds like bliss and a reward for the long climb. I was ready to open my heart and love all. Bring it on.

I went to Peru in January to drink a lot of Huachuma and let my heart shine. My beatitude awaited as I completed a ten-year plant medicine odyssey in addition to fulfilling a quest I started at middle-age. I've got the knowledge. I have understanding and a little bit of wisdom. I answered the questions about existence. The wisdom lessons said I'll never have all the answers nor will the seeking end - there's always more. The burning questions were answered, and I turned towards my heart. The Goddess was the catalyst for my plant medicine experiences and she is the one who made me come back for more, especially when times get tough, I was scared, and wanted to run far away.

My perception of the path of the heart and reality were at odds. This course is the toughest of them all, but it turns out I was predestined for a tough time because I don't know how to love. This deficiency meant starting from the bottom and re-experiencing the mistakes from my youth which had the result of locking away my heart. I had to go through the process once again and all the old feelings of despair returned. My go to was to lock her away. My heart was breaking, and I couldn't go through the pain. I soon realized that wasn't what I had been taught. My plant medicine journeys allowed me to release my heart from the castle made of gold; a castle my alter-ego the Dragon had constructed and locked her away in. My seeking and plant medicine use was a multi-year project to free her and here I was at the first sign of love trauma ready to lock her up. I got past this lesson, maybe a D+ as I wanted to imprison my heart, but I knew better.

So, I had to face a familiar heartbreak and despair. I had to project into the future a life without the one I had fallen in love with. I had to contemplate loss and how I'd never get back with her. I spent the nights longing. Why can't she remember how good we are together and come back to me? Why did her feelings change? What did I do? I hate this. This emptiness is killing me.

I forgot I was walking the path of the heart. I was walking the path of personal sorrow and seeing the collapse of my world. When I finally accepted the loss, I stood at my Mesa, and she looked at me and reminded me I'm walking the path of the heart. This is what I asked for and I was getting it. It's the toughest course. You're a good student Paul. You are going to do well, though you will fail parts of this course. Remember, this is what you asked for. The next night is when I looked at the serpent jaguar tapestry and saw her over all. She's the best and allows you to lock her away as part of the teaching. To the aspiring student she then sends you off to slay the dragon so you can make the discovery you are the dragon. You are the one who imprisons her. She sacrifices self to teach you. I've got this far and now see it. Why did you lock me away Paul?

I cried. I did it because my love is possessive. I need you and will do anything to hold on to you. You will leave me because I'm not good enough, so I must imprison you. By making myself jailer I also imprison myself. I create a mess out of everything because I don't know what love is. I think I do, yet my actions prove otherwise. One taste of you and I will spend the rest of my days trying to get back with you. You showed me this clearly during my first ever Ayahuasca experience. I didn't understand it at the time, but I see it completely now.

Teach me to love Goddess.

Love must flow freely and without conditions. If love is tied to conditions, it's not true love. Do you see it? You may think it is love but it will spoil and wither on the vine. It won't last because conditions will change. The lessons affect us all and how you get the lesson is dependent on your circumstance. You chose to be a man this time and so you get to see it from this perspective. If you chose woman, then you will see how attaching conditions to love you in exchange for security is indeed a vexing problem to overcome.

As my previous life course concluded I was told to kill myself in order to live. The rub was I didn't know how to live. The pandemic hit and I was given three years grace to ready myself for the destruction of my life. When life resumed, I dutifully followed the path that was laid out for me and saw my destruction was nearing. Events unfolded, and this external force ignited the wick upon a bomb that would go off. This time there was no way out. The story of my life arced towards freeing myself of my lifetime of self-inflicted chains. The freedom from my mediocre life was waiting for me and I walked to the edge of the cliff. Everything fell apart in my world before I jumped. Instead of liberation, I retreated to a world of hurt and then was witness to an external world that was grappling with change and destruction. I sat with my misery and felt the pain envelope me. My sentence was two months until I found the answers I was searching for after I slowly let things go. The Goddess proactively instructs in the path of the heart course, and she was waiting for me to get over myself. She looked into my eyes and asked if I was now ready.

I see it. My shadow closed the last course by telling me to kill myself in order to live. As with all divine advice, I didn't understand it at first. I thought it meant to blow it all up and walk away free. This rallying call was preparing me to walk the path of the heart. Myself is the one who builds the prison. My fear of losing others and feeling the pain of heartbreak and loss causes me to imprison my heart. As the jailer, I cage myself because someone must watch her. I had to do this one more time, see it play out, and then understand why it happens. Killing myself means letting go of possessiveness. In order to be free I must let others be free and not create dependencies.

I have received the lesson loud and clear. The Great Goddess - my heart and my mother - is the teacher of the most important class that you will need to graduate from the University of Higher Consciousness. I've enrolled and got my ass kicked first semester. I'm a good student, not a quitter, and I know I will continue on, all the better, for the lessons learned from the ultimate school of hard knocks. 

liberation and love

What is unconditional love? Is the path towards liberation a result of love or is liberation needed in order to love unconditionally? Is suffering love? Is desire love? Are death and despair forms of love? By these questions I’m trying to get at the root of existence and why is there what we perceive as negative outcomes. In order to love unconditionally, you must remove the conditions affecting love. That seems pretty straightforward from a intellectual point of view. The way to shed conditions is to stop ceding control of your life to external influences which includes culture and those who surround you, as well as losing yourself continually to internal desires. Only through self-mastery will you ever be able to love without conditions and it is an interesting thought experiment to see how this works. Think of your worst enemy and how they can in a flash destroy your life. If you can find it in your heart to forgive them then this is unconditional love. From this situation you can make sense of the following:

In this strange world we live in where we eat other sentient beings to survive and can suffer from debilitating bouts of anxiety and depression, is it all created as a supreme act of love? Is the master teacher, who will kill you if you can’t rise out of the morass of the deep dark depths, doing this as an act of supreme unconditional love in order that you will be liberated and subsequently can experience unconditional love? I thought this was preposterous. I have realized my teacher is forging steel and it’s a process that is tough love but once my thought progression suggested this is the ultimate form of love, I had trouble accepting it. The teacher’s idea of unconditional love involved threatening my well-being and very existence? Love involves death and suffering? Love involves allowing people to sink so deep into their despair they perish? It’s hard to let go of presumptions we hold dear that enable us to cling to our worldview.

 

Yes, it’s true. The way out towards liberation of the spirit is to continually hammer this home. Chase desires and be beholden to culture and you will suffer endlessly in the cycle of metaphorical eternal damnation come to fruition as a hell of your own making. Incarnation is on repeat and the situation keeps resolving with the same result. Snake eyes! Don’t you eventually want to try something different? Isn’t the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over again with the same outcome? Isn’t that what we are doing? We keep re-creating the hell. To help you out of this trap, the master teacher offers some non-ordinary and harsh methods. It’s a hard path to follow unless there’s some motivation to do so such as self-actualization through liberation. You can run, you can hide, or you can choose to numb consciousness at this juncture. Always wanting control, once again we lose sight of the way out.

 

The master teacher must know the worst outcome for existence is to not have your freedom and therefore he relentlessly pushes the need for liberation. He forces me to continually confront my demons. Avoidance and abstinence are not an option. Okay, so think about it - how do you become a master teacher? It’s certainly not through book work and theory but instead experience. This being undeniably true, I realized my teacher knows the outcome of a path where you are controlled by external influences. He teaches how you must sometimes fall on your own sword to win your freedom. In order to re-create unity within this universe of separation, there must be freedom where unconditionally all come together to create wholeness. This solution of liberation must be the answer; my teacher has played it out to its end and knows this is the final answer. In response to this knowledge, his teachings become the ultimate course in self-destruction where first you take back yourself from others and once you hold this freedom in your hand, you then destroy the concept of self in order to find unity.

 

As a father would you not want to teach your son the same lesson? The father, my teacher, is the spirit of the masculine divine. I am of that spirit incarnated within the form provided by my mother, the feminine divine. Pretty much every parent wants what is best for their children and wants them to surpass the heights they experienced. There is nothing greater than these two and the gift they have bestowed upon each and every one of us is the ability to play within these conscious biological forms. My father teaches me how to master this ability; to forge a steel so impenetrable by the pitfalls of biological life. What is the steel? It’s the union of feminine biological life with that of the spirit of eternal energy as defined by the masculine polarity within existence.

 

You are eternal and therefore you can do this. You can face up to the hardest of hardships and make it through. Temporary setbacks, including death, are part of the course. The clock ticks for us all; we will eventually run out that clock if something else doesn’t get us first. Look at it as opportunity. The result is to become greater than the gods. No kidding.

 

Our incarnation of energetic form upon earth is an opportunity to sign up for the master class. Free will is in play, so it’s not necessary to take the class, however it’s an opportunity I’d recommend embracing. Eventually, if you want off the hamster wheel, is a need to sign up and embrace the curriculum. Not coming to terms with all the suffering in the universe is a form of avoidance. We turn away because it’s easiest to create our own bubble and place reality on the fringe of civilization.

 

To be free, one has to accept suffering. A big reason why we chase power and control is our attempts to control outcomes so we don’t suffer. Biologically, we eventually reach the end and can longer control what is happening to our life form as we head towards death. This downhill ride is full of suffering and is the one act common to pretty much all of us who get that far. So, using this example you can see why we all seek control and power and enter into societal constructs where we give up our individual freedoms and power in exchange for collective power. This makes us feel safe and secure though in reality the government abuses that power to obtain more power and sometimes engages in acts that send your sons and daughters off to war which isn’t safe at all but is sold to us as necessary. We have bought so far into the cultural line that we acquiesce to its wishes. From these examples you can see how if you are liberated you lose all these social protections; you lose access to easily available food and shelter; no healthcare and you lose access to a comfortable retirement that will make sure you get the care you need as you slip into feebleness. This freedom thing is a tough sell. I add up all the dollars in my account and wonder if I can become free but still have the finances to pull it off. I’m not sure I’m getting the lesson? On the other hand, I don’t want to be homeless. It’s quite the dilemma though who said homelessness and poverty are conditions of freedom. Can you engage the system and then exit when you don’t need it anymore? At this stage of my life I’m not wanting to run out the clock. I don’t want to work up until retirement age and then putt around the house until I die.

 

All suffering is grace. Read that line again. All suffering is grace. Get out of here; that’s not right! We need to relieve suffering, don’t we? Relieving suffering is ideal but the suffering itself is grace. Suffering leads to exploration of one’s condition. Being cold forces us to seek heat. Living in darkness rouses within us the impetus to seek the light. This exploration leads towards liberation as one gets to understand the why of the suffering. We may have an idea of how much suffering is considered humane; the master teacher may disagree and give you what you need and not what you want.

 

So, is all the suffering a form of unconditional love? From all I’ve learned I’d have to answer yes. Tough love and hurting those you love in order to free them is the supreme act of unconditional love.

everyone is your crush

Let the dark side out for a walk as it’s the only way to peer in to the workings and underpinnings of self. When I’m on the pure and righteous path, insights into my darkness are pretty piss poor. My intuition and thought cisterns are filled in the coming days after a dalliance with the dark. This is nothing to be afraid of and I’m not preaching hedonism as love comes from this buried region as well. Let love out of the cage; all forms of it. It’s very instructive. It’s pretty delicious to get a crush on someone. I love that feeling of surrender to cupid’s arrow and just enjoying the intoxicating feeling that washes over you in the presence of your muse. That is until the mind takes over and makes it a problem. The projecting into the future, the uncertainty of whether this love will go unrequited, then the eventual nesting instinct, and the need to possess. Thoughts turn to jealousy and needing to control the behaviour of others. What a shit show this whole feeling devolved into! How do we not get trapped in this nightmare? Love all, serve all, and create no sorrow. Everyone is your crush.

Can I do that? Love all and treat everyone as the beloved? What a challenge that is. I mean if you want a lifelong project bequeathed to you by inveterate seeking then here you go. Give up selfish love for the love of all. Wow! What a predicament I find myself in.

Ram Dass talks about learning to love all and transcending the paradigm of loving only one at a time. I’m a long way away from finding fulfillment that way. I know exactly what he is talking about though as I don’t think our maturity level is at the point where romantically we can handle loving unconditionally. Relationships always end up involving possessiveness and jealousy which pull you away from the original feeling of love generated from the heart. To transcend this is to love all. To taste love is to want more. The feeling is roused from being with others but comes from within. I know what he is saying.

A path of the heart is through plant medicines. With their teachings, no matter who you are, you will glimpse this love that is pervasive within the universe. You will feel it and when you do you will reach a stage where the door to your heart has been pried open. It might take a while to unlock but eventually if you keep it up and you are with a practitioner that is skilled in doing this, then that door to love will be opened and you are going to experience bliss that comes from the heart when you start to love others and yourself. It’s not new to us because in our younger years we probably did at one point experience an open heart however culture and life happens and for a lot of us we shut down the heart as part of a self-preservation mode, or you just get tired of being hurt, and so you encase your heart because you don’t want to feel that hurt anymore. There’s a level of maturity, and I’m not at that point, however I can see it now where when you love someone it is not unconditional so we introduce the mind into our feelings of love and then that’s when we get possessive and jealous. There are all these factors that go into this love we feel and it is the ultimate teacher where we just get so bogged down into the other issues like is that person going to continue to love us or do they really love us and we start questioning it. Even through love we still bring ourselves into this hell world and ultimately it’s not what love is supposed to do so there has to be another way or an answer to the question: how do I not get trapped in this?

Before I went down on this latest trip, I started listening to a bunch of Ram Dass’ lectures and the content of them I found compelling but obviously some of them you hear what he is talking about but you don’t relate it to your own experiences until you re-experience those feelings. I am so appreciative of Huachumita for giving me the opportunity to experience what had been lost and pretty much forgotten. To feel and be enchanted once again by life and to taste the deliciousness of connection. In Peru all those feelings came up and then when I returned home and listened to Ram Dass again, it was like holy shit he is talking about what I’m going through and the big lesson I got from one of his lectures was that you are love and love comes from within and is not something externally that you find. You may use a catalyst; whether it is a person, nature, or animals and they are the key that unlocks the love that is already in you. Once understood, you realize I can be this walking conduit for love and I don’t have to rely on someone else to constantly give me that juice or look for something that is going to activate this within me; I just need to cultivate it within myself. Instead of just loving one at a time and becoming trapped by that and needing them to activate the love within, the mature destination on the path of the heart is to realize that you are that love and to love everybody instead of just the one and trying to possess that one. I can’t say I’m there yet but at least I understand what he was saying and I see that is the way forward, no matter how much I want to experience that possessive love again. I know from my life history that possessive love never works out. It’s almost like the lesson the Goddess has been trying to teach me all along where our separation is because I wanted to possess her and I can get close but I never can fully have her for my own and she knows that if she gives in and I give in to the desire to possess then the flame dies out and the long separation begins once again.

You don’t find love externally; it’s in your heart. You are looking for those who can help you activate what you already have. We get addicted to others because we haven’t learned this lesson and think we can only find love through external means. Affirm to yourself that you are love.