everyone is your crush

Let the dark side out for a walk as it’s the only way to peer in to the workings and underpinnings of self. When I’m on the pure and righteous path, insights into my darkness are pretty piss poor. My intuition and thought cisterns are filled in the coming days after a dalliance with the dark. This is nothing to be afraid of and I’m not preaching hedonism as love comes from this buried region as well. Let love out of the cage; all forms of it. It’s very instructive. It’s pretty delicious to get a crush on someone. I love that feeling of surrender to cupid’s arrow and just enjoying the intoxicating feeling that washes over you in the presence of your muse. That is until the mind takes over and makes it a problem. The projecting into the future, the uncertainty of whether this love will go unrequited, then the eventual nesting instinct, and the need to possess. Thoughts turn to jealousy and needing to control the behaviour of others. What a shit show this whole feeling devolved into! How do we not get trapped in this nightmare? Love all, serve all, and create no sorrow. Everyone is your crush.

Can I do that? Love all and treat everyone as the beloved? What a challenge that is. I mean if you want a lifelong project bequeathed to you by inveterate seeking then here you go. Give up selfish love for the love of all. Wow! What a predicament I find myself in.

Ram Dass talks about learning to love all and transcending the paradigm of loving only one at a time. I’m a long way away from finding fulfillment that way. I know exactly what he is talking about though as I don’t think our maturity level is at the point where romantically we can handle loving unconditionally. Relationships always end up involving possessiveness and jealousy which pull you away from the original feeling of love generated from the heart. To transcend this is to love all. To taste love is to want more. The feeling is roused from being with others but comes from within. I know what he is saying.

A path of the heart is through plant medicines. With their teachings, no matter who you are, you will glimpse this love that is pervasive within the universe. You will feel it and when you do you will reach a stage where the door to your heart has been pried open. It might take a while to unlock but eventually if you keep it up and you are with a practitioner that is skilled in doing this, then that door to love will be opened and you are going to experience bliss that comes from the heart when you start to love others and yourself. It’s not new to us because in our younger years we probably did at one point experience an open heart however culture and life happens and for a lot of us we shut down the heart as part of a self-preservation mode, or you just get tired of being hurt, and so you encase your heart because you don’t want to feel that hurt anymore. There’s a level of maturity, and I’m not at that point, however I can see it now where when you love someone it is not unconditional so we introduce the mind into our feelings of love and then that’s when we get possessive and jealous. There are all these factors that go into this love we feel and it is the ultimate teacher where we just get so bogged down into the other issues like is that person going to continue to love us or do they really love us and we start questioning it. Even through love we still bring ourselves into this hell world and ultimately it’s not what love is supposed to do so there has to be another way or an answer to the question: how do I not get trapped in this?

Before I went down on this latest trip, I started listening to a bunch of Ram Dass’ lectures and the content of them I found compelling but obviously some of them you hear what he is talking about but you don’t relate it to your own experiences until you re-experience those feelings. I am so appreciative of Huachumita for giving me the opportunity to experience what had been lost and pretty much forgotten. To feel and be enchanted once again by life and to taste the deliciousness of connection. In Peru all those feelings came up and then when I returned home and listened to Ram Dass again, it was like holy shit he is talking about what I’m going through and the big lesson I got from one of his lectures was that you are love and love comes from within and is not something externally that you find. You may use a catalyst; whether it is a person, nature, or animals and they are the key that unlocks the love that is already in you. Once understood, you realize I can be this walking conduit for love and I don’t have to rely on someone else to constantly give me that juice or look for something that is going to activate this within me; I just need to cultivate it within myself. Instead of just loving one at a time and becoming trapped by that and needing them to activate the love within, the mature destination on the path of the heart is to realize that you are that love and to love everybody instead of just the one and trying to possess that one. I can’t say I’m there yet but at least I understand what he was saying and I see that is the way forward, no matter how much I want to experience that possessive love again. I know from my life history that possessive love never works out. It’s almost like the lesson the Goddess has been trying to teach me all along where our separation is because I wanted to possess her and I can get close but I never can fully have her for my own and she knows that if she gives in and I give in to the desire to possess then the flame dies out and the long separation begins once again.

You don’t find love externally; it’s in your heart. You are looking for those who can help you activate what you already have. We get addicted to others because we haven’t learned this lesson and think we can only find love through external means. Affirm to yourself that you are love.