disturbed

The most disturbing thing I have ever been a part of in my life was an Ayahuasca ceremony. I can say on multiple occasions I have been highly disturbed by what transpired. What has been disturbing is the darkness contained within the experience which I not only witnessed in vision but also a feeling of unease and intuition that something I have unearthed here just isn’t my normal and mostly comfortable self. The darkness encountered is a barrier to further exploration of the subconscious and brings upon the inner explorer a time of crisis and questioning whether they want to continue to dive into the depths. The divide at this point is whether you want to continue with ceremonies and exploring consciousness or do you give them up? If you give them up the rational excuse is that it was incredibly illuminating to experience the visionary but that was all you needed or wanted to see. If you do continue on in the journey then you become hyper-aware of the bad trip. So, in my case when I first went exploring back in 2013 I was pummelled by my subconscious and spent almost a year recovering and then it was another year before mustering the courage to continue on. I developed strategies to deal with the bad trip, aided by the advice of others. It is a necessary part of the journey, as the exploration of all of consciousness isn’t easy once you have had that bad trip. There are barriers to exploring your hidden dark side and well if there weren’t these blocks then it wouldn’t be hidden, now would it? When I continued on the path the darkness kept returning, hinting at something I didn’t want to face up to. I had my defences readied for the onslaught though and learned how to successfully navigate the storm. The way through it is to disengage the mind and enter into the heart space. It works 100% of the time and so the exploration of consciousness becomes easier since I can handle all which comes my way.

I never leave things alone and I always want to poke at it with a stick. I’ll get the answer or solution to a problem and instead of being content or decide to live happily ever after I instead develop a better microscope and peer even deeper into the mystery. So on my last journey to Peru I was presented with the de facto answer of how to live in bliss, essentially to be high, and it is through the heart and love. I was shown to be in the heart space and full of love will take you to heaven. To engage the mind will bring you back down and eventually to hell. I was given situations over and over again by the plant teachers which showed me how it works. I was elated that all my work with the plant medicines over the course of seven years and about forty ceremonies paid off with this wisdom and knowledge.

I have been integrating these lessons and have gone even further with them. With the help of Ram Dass, I learned even more about being love and how we tend to eventually re-introduce the mind into the heart space and from that develops possessiveness and jealousy along with fear of losing a loved one. We tend to look to others to give us love when in fact love comes from within and from this knowledge we can learn how to become love and have love for all instead of it being something in a limited quantity which is reserved for only some. These were really powerful lessons. I would of course relapse back into the mind and become judgmental and find others annoying but I’d catch myself and remember my plant medicine teachings. If you want to live in hell then keep it up…

It brought up a lot of soul searching and insights. First of all, who am I kidding? I know I still have desires and traits which aren’t all that inclusive and loving. I looked back on my life and wow I’m kind of fucked up. Am I a creep? My dark side sure can be creepy. It’s all still there; I just recognize and have come to terms with the complete self. Then I got to thinking about the bad trips and the darkness. In sum, I reacted the way the lower self/darkness wanted me to react. It’s all part of setting up the barriers to the exploration of all of consciousness. I’m smart and resourceful and so when I continued on the journey of course I learned how to navigate the darkness. Plant medicines present the darkness to you over and over and then you avoid it so you can have a happy time. You see how it works? Funny isn’t it? Plant medicines are trying to get you to experience all of consciousness. The lower self knows all the tricks in how to keep you away from the dark regions and stay hidden; scare you and then help you develop strategies so it is all love and light. Anesthetize the plant medicine experience so that the darkness within remains buried. Engage the heart, go to heaven. Engage the mind, go to hell.

The mind is the doorway into the bad trip and the road paved to hell. When you engage the mind while on plant medicines then you head off into crazy territory. It’s chaotic and undisciplined, like a conspiracy theory on steroids. However, the mind gets you into the lower self and surfaces the darkness so you can finally integrate it all. I have the requisite knowledge to be aware of the pitfalls of the exploration of the lower self. How disciplined is my mind after 52 years of life experience and seven years of consciousness exploration? Despite all efforts to remain hidden I am essentially saying to the darkness within, “I see you!” Where does this path lead?

The precipice where I stand reveals the depths of transformation where if feelings go without recognition, are ignored, and unrequited then they turn dark. Therein lies the dilemma and to bring balance into one’s life. The desperate longing and search for connection if not fulfilled turns into pleasure seeking or escapism to temporarily satiate the need and eventually the reckoning comes and that manifests as depression or destructive behaviour. I understand it and would make a good psychologist. Therein lies the challenge: are you a teacher or a doer?

I love a challenge; it is definitely a source of motivation and will lead me to a single-minded focus to solve the problem. Thou shall not pass. Who decides the line between sanity and insanity? I have identified my darkness as a problem; whether that is valid or not is a question I leave open and will reserve the right to answer at a later date. Instead, I know I am energized to keep looking now that I know I can handle it without running scared or thinking I will go crazy. The key to the next phase of the journey is to be heart-centred so when I do hit the spigot it doesn’t destroy me. Love is the elixir which transforms the destructive tendencies of desires that rise up from the darkness and are given currency by the mind. I need to find the source and embrace the part of me which lies in the depths.