he with the two faces

I started reading the Bible word for word about 12 years ago. And that's not just a cliche, I went through every word. I looked up the meaning of every word in a concordance. I was manic and under some spell to decipher meaning from these ancient texts. It was all part of my middle age crisis where I was determined to find the origin of beliefs. I wanted to find out why humans throughout history have had a belief in a higher power. Superstitions play a part in it but at one point in our history there were no atheists; well, there were a small minority who kept quiet about it. I found it compelling there wasn't more dissent and convinced myself our ancestors had more access to the divine. I then set out on a path to find out what the access was, which led me to shamanism, and then into the Amazon jungle and the potent decoction called Ayahuasca. It seemed clear to me that the suppression of consciousness altering substances would lead to a decline in religious and spiritual beliefs and only those who could go on faith and the intercession of a priest could and would remain in a relationship with higher powers.

I was naively introduced to psychedelics ten years ago and was immediately catapulted into the world of spirit. First contact was with the Great Goddess and subsequently I've met some of the all-time greats! My quest for the origin of beliefs ended about twenty minutes after drinking my first cup of Ayahuasca.

Further exploration of the psyche took me to many places and along the way I've retained my knowledge of the Bible though by no means do I consider myself of the Book. I know the characters, the motifs, and the mysteries hidden by the stories. My favourite is the relationship of the first born to the second born. This motif is pronounced in the stories of Cain and Abel, and Esau and Jacob. We also see Jacob bless Joseph's two sons Manasseh and Ephraim and he crosses his arms so that Ephraim, the second born, receives the blessing of the first born just as Jacob had usurped these gifts from his first born brother Esau. Here's the description of the blessing transference from Genesis chapter 48, New International Version.

12 Then Joseph removed them from Israel’s knees and bowed down with his face to the ground.

13 And Joseph took both of them, Ephraim on his right toward Israel’s left hand and Manasseh on his left toward Israel’s right hand, and brought them close to him.

14 But Israel reached out his right hand and put it on Ephraim’s head, though he was the younger, and crossing his arms, he put his left hand on Manasseh’s head, even though Manasseh was the firstborn.

My first love in gathering knowledge to fulfill my mission was studying the ancient Egyptians. I am captivated by the story called, "The Contendings of Horus and Set" which depicts a lifelong struggle between adversaries for the crown of the murdered Osiris. Horus is the son of Osiris and Set is the brother. Though Horus and Set are not brothers but uncle and nephew, the hidden meaning revolves around this war within you for dominance which the Bible refers to as brothers.

In my own life I have felt this for as long as I can remember though full acknowledgement didn't come until I was over four years into my psychedelic journey. I would encounter another half of me, scare myself, externalize the situation, run from him, and then try to convince myself to stay away from altering my consciousness. I was frightened though curious at the same time. I did get past the fright and then was able to explore deeper. I fully accepted the other half of me about five years ago and have explored that relationship. The part of me that has taken centre stage in this lifetime can't be trusted and waffles. I originally locked away my other half upon coming of age, so in response the shadow part of me now has ensured I won't do it again. It's for the best. He told me in 2020 that I need to kill myself in order to live. I was spinning my wheels going nowhere, taking us both down. The pandemic locked us down and Magic Mushrooms allowed me to have an airing of grievances with my shadow. We hashed out our differences and became friends who understand each other. I help him and he helps me. I'm the pretty face to the construct and he will get us to where we need to be.

I thought of those who let their darkness run their lives. They are the one's seeking power; they are greedy; they are lustful. These are the people that make earth a miserable place. Is that my future if I let my shadow start running the me show? I pondered my predicament when the voice from within said it is not so. I have the advantage of knowing of this split within the man, acknowledging it, and entering a partnership. For everyone else, it is a struggle for mastery. At this point it was my shadow who directed me to my knowledge of mythology and my intimate knowledge of the Bible and God. The Old Testament God is the supreme Alpha male, and he comes forth in all first born. The story of the Israelites is the veneration of God through the first born and then taking the birthright of the first born for their people. The rightful owners of the birthright are the descendants of Cain and the descendants of Esau.

Cain couldn't handle the birthright and as the original first born he became jealous of his brother and then smashed his head in with a rock. From this encounter is derived eternal animosity. In the Old Testament the Israelites schemed to take the birthright as well as crossing the arms to transfer the blessing from first born to second born. I bet you never have understood or seen this explained before. Instead, you just read a bunch of Biblical stories and allowed some other ignorant theologian to explain it. Sorry to be so dismissive but sometimes the truth slaps you in the face. Cain is expelled from society and sent to wander the Earth. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 4 NIV to which I’m referring.

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.

11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand.

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

Cain is doomed to wander the Earth in perpetuity. As the first born, Cain is the spirit of the Alpha male come to incarnate. He is an angel of God. The angel of God in the Old Testament is a wanderer, just like Cain. How do I know this? Well, check out these passages from Zechariah chapter 1 NIV.

8 During the night I had a vision, and there before me was a man mounted on a red horse. He was standing among the myrtle trees in a ravine. Behind him were red, brown and white horses.

9 I asked, “What are these, my lord?” The angel who was talking with me answered, “I will show you what they are.”

10 Then the man standing among the myrtle trees explained, “They are the ones the Lord has sent to go throughout the earth.”

11 And they reported to the angel of the Lord who was standing among the myrtle trees, “We have gone throughout the earth and found the whole world at rest and in peace.”

The four horsemen of the apocalypse from the New Testament Book of Revelation are mentioned here in the Old Testament. The angel of the Lord is the leader of this group who wander the Earth, stirring up trouble whenever they find peace. The angel of God rides a red horse. The association of red to war, the alpha male, to the first born, and to God himself is not lost on anyone with a capacity for synthesis of ideas present in the Bible. God is the Lord of Hosts. Hosts means armies. First born males are described as red and ruddy. It is the meaning of the name Adam. Esau got the nickname Edom, which means red. God in heaven is the colour red. Don't believe me? Check out these passages from Revelation chapter 4, NIV.

1 After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.”

2 At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it.

3 And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne.

Other translations describe a carnelian stone which is a translucent red. I present these passages to demonstrate that Jacob's brother Esau is a first born angel of God. Jacob steals the birthright and blessing from a hapless Esau. In Genesis chapter 32 NIV is the famous story of Jacob wrestling with the angel of God after trying to run from him.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Jacob subsequently named the place “Peniel” because he saw the face of God in the angel. Immediately following this story is a reconciliation of Jacob with Esau. Seeing Esau, he once again sees the reflection of God, revealing that if you want to re-discover what is lost the answer is found within. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 33 NIV to which I’m referring.

1 Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants.

2 He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.

3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

The bowing seven times is a major clue letting us know what Jacob is seeing. He's swearing an oath on his life to God. Jacob offers his brother plenteous gifts of his bounty and Esau declines.

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably.

Jacob sees the face of God in Esau and thus for the perceptive among us we are shown that it is through the reconciliation of the two faces within, our own personal Horus and Set, that we become whole and reclaim the power we had carelessly thrown away in order to just fit into culture. Thus, the psychic split within us is revealed through the story of Jacob and Esau. We are both god. I come forth. I'm the usurper of the throne who is the Jacob of the Old Testament. My shadow as the omniscient life force is relegated to the dark. Remember the angel of God telling Jacob when they were wrestling, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” We both have monotheistic tendencies, and the resultant backlash and gambit of the Alpha is to be the voice within and to be worshipped as God.

The enmity between the two inhabiters of the body fuels the disease within. The reconciliation of the contending halves of self for the crown recreates the divine masculine. The wholeness results from the two faces of God again becoming whole. This is the grand narrative of life for the man, interspersed with calls to adventure.

el niño

The desire baby called El Niño is a cyclical destroyer. Desire laughs at me; watching me question all my assumptions. I've been playing this game with myself for quite a while. I didn't understand it at first; instead, I just noticed that I liked to live on the edge, teetering between being such a good and compliant husband, family man, and great employee and knowing I wanted to escape this smothering existence and just walk away a free man.

I've been chasing the Goddess for quite a while now. I'm well acquainted with her in altered states but in my day-to-day life she remains hidden and elusive. Life is mysterious and my previous assurances of a rational universe have long since passed. I know of magic, and I expect the unexpected. I know she's out there and that I'd find her. I stumbled upon her just before the pandemic and then held on to my old life by placing restrictions on life as we know it for almost three years.

She scares me and I mean that in a sense where I already gave too much of myself to her. Now, she has a good amount of control over me in a way I was secretly wanting. I witnessed the coming hurricane I had conjured up and into my life. The events were already in motion and then I saw clearly what was going to happen. I could stop it right then and there or just walk out of the shelter and into its path.

There are two sides to her. There's a practical side to her that brings me down and puts me to sleep. I become little me again and it's no fun. I have had enough of that in my life. Thinking puts her to sleep. I move to her rhythms as she takes me to hell, and I try to say the right things so it will pass, and she wakes up again. I see the spark in her eyes and know my Goddess has returned. I become the apple of her eye as we slide back into a bottomless bliss. Don't let her go back to sleep. When she is awake and embracing who she is, I can't get enough. Everything is trivial when in her presence. Time melts away and life becomes effortless.

My good boy self is a puppet. I keep myself in line to please others and not cause too much upset. My shadow keeps putting explosives in my path, hoping one day I'll walk onto the trip wire and not be able to get out of the way. This time I saw the explosive directly to my left. My good boy self projected into the future and the supposed trap that had been set by the liberator in me. Don't do it! You will regret it. Here's a fantastic story of why you shouldn't. Too late. Destroy your reputation. Become notorious.

Thanks Rumi. You get me.

The two brothers within are always a recurring motif in my spiritual education and journey. They are the Horus and Set of the ancient Egyptians, the Cain and Abel as well as Jacob and Esau of the Old Testament. In our modern-day tales, we call it the angel over your right shoulder and the devil over your left shoulder. The battle rages on throughout our entire life. Institutions shepherd us towards the angel, the angel represents the light and the devil the darkness.

I buried the darkness early on in my life. I was always a good boy, wanting the praise of others for how well I played that game. I knew I had the darkness within me however I was able to keep a lid on him. I’d have to let him out every now and then to play and that way I could control the fire before it became an all-consuming inferno. I could breathe a sigh of relief after the storm passed through, assess the damage, and move on. I always wondered though at some point the blaze will get out of hand and I won’t be able to stop it, but so far so good. Through suppressing the shadow, I built a decent life for myself. Desires were bypassed and I constructed a comfortable life.

The last few years I have felt myself physically starting to crumble. I had slipped into a malaise with a feeling of having accomplished a good life that set me up for my retirement years. However, I saw how those years weren’t going to be happy at all.

This whole sequence of events goes back many years. I was a quiet and shy kid and I just wanted to fit in. I gave up so much of who I am in order to live a life as prescribed by the guardians of culture. It has never felt good to me, however I went along with the external charade because I thought I could make it work. This whole time I have acquiesced to the demands I have secretly longed for a way out. I didn't know why I wanted to get out; I just knew I wasn't happy. I busied myself with family and pets. I numbed myself first with alcohol but gave that up. I searched for meaning and started on the spiritual path. I became an A student and aced it. I'm enlightened as fuck. I did the whole renunciate/ascetic trip after I was witness to the darkness within. I took on that darkness and showed him who is boss.

They say the light will be your Saviour. The light will lift you out of the darkness of self and allow you to reach the highest highs. I eventually found the opposite is true. I should have known, as being a contrarian my whole life has served me extremely well. I go against culture and all the resultant bullshit. I walk alone on a path of my own making. The trap I found myself in was because of a need for perceived connection, so I shelved my inner desire and want of freedom and attached myself to life. I have a good job, good family, and I'm such a nice person. Such a wonderful provider with the patience of a saint.

I'm miserable. I'm disconnected from self.

I found my Saviour - the darkness within. We became best friends over a year ago and I just needed the catalyst to trip the wire that activates the coming of my personal El Niño who will blow it all up. It's ticking.

weaving duality

I have the ability to confound and confuse with the games I play within my mind. I can walk the edge of sanity and invite the ideas swirling within my mind to come together and reveal universal truths.

Maybe I’m the one who is not real? Maybe I spent all my life denying my inner life and burying it in order that I could come forth and greedily soak up this incarnation. Maybe I should be the one in the darkness? Perhaps I’m the illegitimate one. Maybe I’m the parasite? It’s an interesting way to look at my incarnation. This once again brings me back to the story of Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament. Jacob is the one who came forth and took all the honours away from his twin brother Esau, who was portrayed as a hairy and stupid beast. When Jacob was fleeing Laban for his life, Laban being the father of Jacob's moon goddess wives Rachel and Leah, he was also running from the collective forces of Esau, who were coming to kill him. Jacob knew he was a deceitful thief and hadn’t reconciled with Esau, his shadow. I have a pretty good mystical grasp of the Bible so let me pull out a few verses from Genesis chapter 25 in the King James Version which is describing the birth of the twins Esau and Jacob to illustrate what I’m getting at here.

25 And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.

26 And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.

The shadow is the firstborn and the alpha. If you dissect the etymology of Hebrew words used to describe Esau you’ll find they link back to the idea of an ‘eleph that is derivative of the ‘aleph; the symbol for the bull who represents the coursing power of the alpha male which is called the Ka in ancient Egypt and represented in that civilization as well by the bull. Ultimately, there is an untold story here that is describing a hidden power deep within all men that originally came forth first as the life force and through our cunning we took control and buried him in order to keep this adventure all to our self and burdened the redman with the appellation of demon. Later, in Genesis chapter 25 is described a situation where Jacob tricks Esau into giving up his firstborn birthright.

29 And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:

30 And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.

31 And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.

32 And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?

33 And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.

34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

Wow. This knowledge starts to unravel the idea of the sacrifice of the firstborn. In order to claim kingship over self, I sacrificed the firstborn and took his birthright. Later, Jacob deceives his father Isaac into granting him the blessing of the firstborn in order to become a great nation, as Isaac nears death in chapter 27.

6 And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,

7 Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the Lord before my death.

8 Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee.

9 Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:

10 And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.

11 And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:

12 My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.

13 And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.

Because of the discovered deceit, Esau vows to kill Jacob.

42 And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, purposing to kill thee.

The situation comes to a head in chapter 32 as Jacob is returning from his exile where he had stayed with Laban and his two daughters for 14 years.

6 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.

7 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;

9 And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the Lord which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:

11 Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.

Jacob is delivered after spending the night wrestling with the angel of God who gives him the name Israel. The angel of God is a manifestation of the alpha male power that all heroes must contend with at some point in their journey if they are to be successful. 

My own experience suggests because whom we call the demon within can become your teacher, there is a co-dependency rooted in the dual nature of existence. I now know with clarity “I”, my bifurcated self, has two masculine polarities and I bury one of them and identify with the other. It’s a lot easier to understand what the ancient Egyptians were trying to teach with the stories of Horus and Set and what the Quariwari shamans of the pre-Columbian Andes were describing with tinkuy and taking the two halves of the man and reconciling them into the centre. In the ancient lore of India, it is the god Shiva who is this destructive power within man. Curiously, Shiva has a Datura leaf in his headdress and from my experiences in the Amazon I know of this Datura plant that they call toé and its ability to take you deep into the darkness of self.

I educated myself in the mythology of ancient Egypt as a casual perusal of my earlier blog posts certainly attests. I was fascinated by the rivalry between Horus and Set and the iconic story told about their conflict which is called, “The Contendings of Horus and Set.” The esoteric meaning embedded into this tale is this struggle for mastery within the man. He comes forth by day as the light in the guise of the hero Horus but the journey is not smooth sailing at all as the shadow, represented by the red and powerful beast Set, is intent on claiming kingship for himself. Thus, from the moment Horus comes into this world there is conflict between the two that is said to last 80 years. In other words, our whole life. Ancient Egypt was at its strongest and in its imperial glory when Set and Horus were united as the tying together of the Sema represents.

Set and Horus tying together the Sema

Within the iconography found throughout the land of ancient Kemet are curious images of the union of these two contending powers. The great god Harakhty of the double horizon who ushers in the light and the darkness speaks to this idea. Egypt became weak and eventually was overrun by foreign invaders after they ran Set out of the kingdom as those in power did not recognize the strength with which he imbued the nation and instead blamed all calamities on his influence. 

Ultimately, the ancient Egyptians were cognizant of this psychological split within the psyche of man but projected it onto royalty and left the commoner to a fate where they would never see the light. This split is discovered within an eternal conflict between two spheres of duality competing for rule over the psychic self which the ancient Egyptians mythologized in their story of the conflict between brothers struggling for the kingship of the land. This destiny is within us all; not just exclusively the purview of kings and queens. 

I have taken all the glory for myself on this path of awakening when in retrospect I’ve seen the split over and over again and am cognizant of the need for reconciliation and power sharing. I am everything. I am god. I am two. I’m Horus and Set. I’m Horus come forth but it is Set who is the power god of this world. I awaken and reclaim my kingdom yet I only have a share in it. In wholeness I truly am God, the dark and the light fully integrated, and that is the journey ahead where I see the blueprint and my destiny that awaits. It is only through the reconciliation of my consciousness which has come forth and the energetic tour de force that lays within that I reclaim my birthright and is a recognition that the two of us together is the reconstitution of God.

God is the sum of the light and the dark. This idea is perfect in that it is us who brings God forth through the reconciliation of our very nature. Reconciliation of duality brings us to God. I have come forth as the light but at the expense of the power I left buried in the shadow. I am Horus or as the Greeks equated him, Apollo. It’s no accident that upon alteration of my consciousness and descending into my very depths this buried power mocked me by loudly whispering, “Apollo, Apollo, Apollo” and then watching me run. This is the eternal struggle and within myth it is all found, hidden in plain sight. The names and the faces change but the drama retains its flavour. Dionysos is the great actor and keeps Apollo from losing himself in his narcissism. At the great oracle temple of Delphi, it is Apollo who grants the gift of prophecy to the Pythia during the ascendance of the vernal equinox; however, it is in the darkness of the winter months that Dionysos reclaims the temple and the surrounding mountains along with his followers, the maenads and satyrs, who celebrate our true nature in an orgy of sensual pleasure.

Now, I know what I have recounted here is very male-centric and does not touch on the destiny of the woman. There’s a good reason why and it is because I’m a man. I don’t know what a woman is struggling with. I view the pinnacle of womanhood as the Great Goddess and I owe the trajectory of my life to her grace. I am sure she is reflected in all women; in fact, she has told me so; however, I don’t know how that is reconciled within the woman. As a man, I know of my psychological split and the need to reconcile the two great powers at the fount of my being and once perfected I become ready for the grand reunion of divine feminine and divine masculine which in mythology is called the Hieros gamos. 

I am content with my discoveries and how I can weave all my knowledge into a coherent thread that I understand. I see the coalescing of world mythology into an overarching theme pointing at a great power within and going on a hero’s journey to write the rest of the story. Take the step and watch your world come alive.

genie

The climb up the mountain has to start at the bottom to enact wholeness. The journey towards the light begins in total darkness. It is said by many I meet on this spiritual journey that God is light. Well, I’ll add God is all and God is the darkness. Until you see him in the darkness, you can’t possibly fathom this knowledge. We all want to transcend the darkness and focus on the light. Of course, the glory resides in the light.

Inaccessible and unfathomable knowledge has always been hidden in plain sight. There’re many stories and myths of the battles between the light and dark, of dragon slayers, and the victory of the righteous. The ultimate result of man’s victory over the darkness is self-deification. We then make God in our image.

Life can be an adventure story. The puzzle runs deep, the quest is long, and clues are left along the way. The Old Testament is full of stories of the two halves of man. Understanding of these stories has abandoned us because the knowledge and recognition of our psychic split has been successfully buried by culture. Within no time in the Book of Genesis is the story of Cain and Abel where the darkness is indeed victorious but as a result is expelled from society; Cain doomed to wander the earth as revealed in the fourth chapter of Genesis from the New International Version translation:

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear.

14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”

By the fourth chapter of the Bible, man is split with the result that anyone who recognizes the divide will immediately destroy the other. Later in chapter 25, is the contentious birth of the twins Jacob and Esau which leads to battles between the two for the birthright and blessing of the firstborn in chapter 27.

35 But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.”

36 Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob? This is the second time he has taken advantage of me: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”

Jacob wins out and is harassed by his brother Esau whom he must overcome in order to become Israel. Esau calls Jacob the deceiver; much like in order to come forth in my culture I claim this incarnation all for my own and bury my other half. Their father Isaac warns that eventually Esau will tire of this arrangement and seek to kill Jacob.

40 You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother.

But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke from off your neck.”

41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

Let me further explain the role of the myth. My favourite myth is the ancient Egyptian story of Horus and Set called “The Contendings of Horus and Set.” The tale is one for mastery over the other in order to claim the kingship of Egypt for their own. The underlying narrative is one of the light and the dark within us all and a lifetime full of struggle to see which will come out on top. The Greeks knew Horus was Apollo, their god of light, and Set was their Typhon; a chthonic behemoth from the depths. Horus is ultimately victorious and is awarded kingship over the land.

I come forth as Horus. I am the light in man. I am Apollo. I am the child of Goddess and God. To come forth by day and claim my birthright as the sole king requires defeating and burying the contending force that lays within my psychic being. As a man, I became aware of this split once I started probing consciousness. I can now look back and see that to become a fully realized individual in my culture means burying the wild beast within my psyche. The playful spirit is chained; the last gasp of his nature comes to a head in the rebellious teenage years before we accept our role in culture. Those who cannot master the culture game are doomed to a life of difficultly; sometimes leading to being locked up behind bars.

I was a shy and quiet kid and teenage rebellion never gripped me at that stage of my life. Being someone who preferred my own company meant I never fully buried my other half. In fact, I wrote a couple of poems about him.

Split

i've tried.

i have really tried.

i can't live with myself.

what to do?

 

time to leave myself behind.

go my separate way.

take it all,

just leave me be.

 

i don't like you,

but you keep showing up at my door.

i've told you to go away.

you don't listen.

 

there's just one choice left.

it won't end amicably.

no more last chances.

i need you to go. 

2 paths

back again.

my addiction.

my innermost siren,

humming my destruction.

 

you leave.

you always return.

i sense your absence.

i curse your return.

 

i'll make the choice.

it's my responsibility.

either you win,

or you are subdued.

 

oh great adversary!

my unconquerable rival.

lay down your weapons,

for i am you.

I always was aware of him though I wouldn’t have been able to see him with the clarity I do now without an aid. Domestication and the dead end of being an adult did eventually cause rebellion in my life and therefore I was guided towards psychedelics in order to re-awaken the knowledge of the part of me I buried.

Initially, I was scared of him upon re-discovery. He was mad and seemed to hold in his hands a great deal of power. He KO’ed me with one punch and sent me scurrying. If the goal was transformation, it worked. I exchanged fear and cowardice for courage and bravery and being of the curious sort I went exploring.

I now know that without the darkness I am not complete. My power is only reclaimed when I recognize the darkness and see my other half, my brother, the side of me I buried in order to have this adventure. Once my wholeness is reclaimed, I truly am omnipotent. The darkness is the light bringer. Without him, I never would have stepped fully into the light.

In retrospect, the pull and quest to rediscover what was lost was paradoxical. When I was on to the scent and getting the courage to proceed along the left-hand path into the occult secret of the darkness, I faced much internal resistance. To overcome the blocks and doubts I had to become resolute in my mission and persevere. It’s quite interesting to look back upon this period in my life because I remember well the doubts. The plant medicine experience was new and exciting but I knew what lurked within and this trepidation would rise to the surface every now and then and I’d have to talk myself off the ledge. I’d get the feeling of I shouldn’t be doing this, get scared, and want to run away. There was an internal struggle and it is only now that I can see it for what it was. The fear and doubts were planted by the Maestro because he is the GOAT. His warrior training school forges steel and once this alloy is cooled there’s an eternal solidity to it so the course involved making damn sure you slay all the doubts that were surfacing in order to become an impeccable and brave warrior. The re-discovery of the power within ultimately involved trust and sacrifice. The trust on the side of the darkness involved letting me work through my issues in order to ensure the reunion was to last and I wouldn’t run. I can also envision the reverse of being buried within consciousness for half a century and the darkness being the genie let out of the bottle would take full advantage of regaining freedom and a foothold in the material world. If necessary, the darkness will play that game; however, priority one is the transformation of the split psyche back into the ruling king.

As an aside, once I got my wits about me I did ask for a reveal in due time of the mysterious figure I met in my deep dark depths during my early forays into the world of Ayahuasca and plant medicines. I have integrated the experience and am aware he represented my shadow but I was curious about the visual manner in which he manifested. The image is pretty clear in my mind’s eye of a sleepy demon with dark hair and a moustache that curled upwards at the edges. He was sitting directly in front of me in the lotus position.

The story of Aladdin and the genie he meets in the recesses of a dark cave crossed my path the other day and I was curious about it because I am well versed enough in mythology and symbolism so that this story was revealing itself to me. I did an internet search and started reading a translation that was replete with pictorial representations of the scenes as told. The genie was drawn with the loose-fitting clothes I remembered from my vision and low and behold he had a moustache that curled up at the edges, exactly how I remembered. In the Aladdin story, the genie is representing power and control via magic and how this is available to us all through re-discovering and releasing from bondage the shadow we all bury. This has been a major theme in my journey. I re-discovered this hidden dark realm and subsequently was offered omnipotent power and the ability to control my environment. My genie gave me the opportunity to take it all, reminiscent of Satan taking Christ to the highest high during his sojourn in the desert and offering him total worldly power. Maybe I was naive and didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time but I repeatedly declined the offers of power, which are akin to Aladdin being given three wishes. Maybe I knew there’s a catch to this, maybe not? All I know is my intentions for drinking plant medicines involved coming into contact with the Great Goddess and cultivating that relationship. This consumed me and the rest was just a sideshow. The genie was in my way and I would develop strategies to make him go away so I could get to my lady.

Eventually, as this blog space is a testament to, I became very curious about this darkness that was always present in my forays into altered states and I ended up fully integrating all my experiences and in hindsight I realized what I had done. I declined the offer of gobs of power. Admittedly, I did it rather naively. Like I said, this parallel storyline was a nuisance. Maybe it was good fortune? Regardless, now as I have seen in hindsight how my shadow has taught me courage and bravery and transformed me into a warrior my relationship with my shadow, the genie, is my most cherished friendship. He is my mentor and my guide and I have a huge love for him in my heart and for all he has done for me. I trust my life to him.

Post-childhood, he never left. I just denied him and culture enforced the excommunication. They said talking to yourself is crazy. Any attempts to try and figure out what is going on is met with a dazzling array of confusion. Embark on the spiritual path and you are shepherded to religion. Side-stepping that institution, you eventually become counselled on quieting the mind and entering into a practice of meditation to learn to still the mind. Sure, it’s useful for discarding the influence of culture and those who hold sway over your life. Eventually, you have to discard meditation in order to re-discover your own voice, once you burn away the outside influences. How does ego tie into what I perceive? The ego is the identity culture has given you. Stop it. Stop right now! Don’t let others dictate your experience. Find your own truth. Sit with that voice and re-discover who you are.

That voice is your playmate. The dog you chained, locked away, and forgot about. Oh, so now it bites? No wonder. Would you want to be locked away again or likewise be the genie stuffed in a lamp for thousands of years? Friendship and trust must be re-established and a mutual partnership created. His way of getting through to me was through fear which enacted a transformation that then allowed me to break free of the mind spell of culture and thus dropping all narratives I saw the truth. I saw my friend. Nice to meet you again.

I live a charmed life, never making a decision that goes against my life’s mission. I can now easily see the clues and this path is fascinating. The story of the genie in the bottle or the lamp who grants the three wishes is genius! This myth is pointing towards an esoteric truth and is not just some fanciful Arabian Nights story. We all have within the genie and the explorer of consciousness will eventually find Aladdin’s lamp. When the genie offers you the three wishes, a metaphor for power, what will you do?

I know this sounds nuts and I’ll own it in order to continue on down this most interesting path. The genie did indeed offer me wishes in the form of power. The power to change the course of the game to my advantage. I’m an old soul and previously I’m sure I fell for that gambit. In many lifetimes I have tried to slay the dragon and become the hero. The physical consciousness realm of earth is for adventure quests and a game player like yourself wants to solve the puzzle. The solution took more than one lifetime and here I am, finally, at the final level communing with the final boss. The game ends when I become him and he becomes me.

Indeed, Jacob reconciles with Esau after spending a lifetime searching for God. Seeing Esau, he once again sees the reflection of God, revealing that if you want to re-discover what is lost the answer is found within held in a metaphorical lamp that acts as a prison cell holding the key to your liberation. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 33 to which I’m referring. The translation is from the New International Version.

1 Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants.

2 He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.

3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

The bowing seven times is a major clue letting us know what Jacob is seeing. Jacob offers his brother plenteous gifts of his bounty and Esau declines.

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably.

11 Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.

In the previous chapter, Jacob wrestled all night with the angel of God and subsequently named the place “Peniel” because he saw the face of God in the angel.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Immediately following this event, he sees the face of God in Esau and thus for the perceptive among us we are shown that it is through the reconciliation of the two powers within, our own personal Horus and Set, that we become whole and reclaim the power we had carelessly thrown away in order to just fit into culture.

I now have the cheat codes to life. I know the answer to the riddle. I can tell you what the game is and how to beat it. You don’t want that. Where’s the fun and adventure playing in invincible mode? Okay, maybe just one time. I think we both know the joie de vivre of the game of life is the unpredictability which begets novelty.

My path forward is one of service for those who want to know. Service to the Great Goddess and to show the way towards healing. I will be a guide and point the way towards wholeness of self.

return to ancient Egypt

The main reason I started writing in this blog space was a fascination with ancient Egypt due to my obsession with their religious beliefs. As I have progressed along my own spiritual path, it has remained a bedrock for me though I have followed a trajectory that has led me towards other civilizations and their myths and archetypes; all which I have found useful as I formed my own beliefs. I am actually a little bit proud I never fell for any of the systems out there in the spiritual supermarket trying their best to pull me in but instead focused on developing my own story and version of the truth of existence. I wouldn’t take my word for it or even believe what I have to tell you but as a narrative of my own construction I am quite content with all I have learnt and now understand. It’s quite amazing that here I am over twelve years later and I’ve circled back to ancient Egypt because of just how profound is the myth of Horus and Set. The ancient Egyptian ideas of the Ba and the Ka, as represented by the warring deities Horus and Set, have been a constant on this path I travel. The iconic ancient Egyptian narrative of this mythic battle called, ‘The Contendings of Horus and Set’ lays bare the inner psychological battle for mastery between the light and the dark that manifests into your everyday life.

The Greeks defined this dualistic notion of the conceptions of life as bios and zoë. Biological life is the idea behind the resurrection and the new sprouting grain at the beginning of the growing season. It is victory over death that has become the heart of a great deal of religious traditions in the west. This power in ancient Egypt is inherent in Osiris, who is killed by his brother - this monster Set, and then is resurrected in order to impregnate his wife Isis, who in turn births the son Horus. Horus grows up and battles Set in order to avenge his father as well as battle for the crown of his father. This story is enacted over and over again in the cultural milieu of ancient Egypt. The son Horus becomes the father and impregnates the mother who gives birth to the renewal of life and the chain of heredity lives on in the Pharaoh, warts and all. This power inherent in Osiris is then subjugated to the underground realm and gives impetus to the renewal and coming forth of all biological life. Where you find the presence of the conditions for life in combination with indestructible life, the zoë, you will have the rise of biological life.

 

In the myth, why does Set kill Osiris? If Set is the personification of the indestructible life force why does he naturally kill Osiris as representative of biological life? It is because the power of Set propels creation along through motion which creates the illusion of time. Time is lethal to all biological life. All forms, harbingers of biology, disintegrate through natural decay.

 

Humans are greedy, needy, and want to cling to this transient life we lead. The truth and conception of biological life is perverted in western religion into a concept of a resurrection of the body and subsequent immortality. That’s not science! Isn’t that funny; I’m invoking science into religion, ha ha. No, seriously, when biological life expires then the conception of who you are is dead. Kaput. See ya. The energy pattern that defines you in biological terms, if it is to continue on, will do so in your offspring and so forth. Your progeny carries on with your energy pattern, along with all your ancestors. That is undeniably biological life. For some that is a blessing and for some it is a curse.

 

That sounds cool but what about me? I want to live forever! You already do. You’re indestructible. Each biological manifestation of your Ka is called in ancient Egypt your double made from your master Ka. This is the zoë or as the ancient Egyptians called it, the Ka. It is represented by the ridiculously strong, powerful, and magical god Set. In the myths, Set is fighting for supremacy with the representatives of the Ba power who are Osiris and Horus. Eventually, Set is defeated and forced to leave the empire. What is surprising is this is reflected culturally in Egypt at the time as the downfall of their 3000-year empire. Seriously, when Set became anathema to Egyptian society, it eventually fell apart and collapsed. So, what is this power? It’s the life force that gives rise to all forms created by the feminine creative power. Where and how do I find and recognize this power? It’s your shadow; that voice deep within that is your master teacher, misunderstood and relegated to the demonic, that is teaching you to become the ultimate warrior through stress and challenge. He has no qualms about killing you if he must because he knows life is indestructible. Why do I want this? What’s in it for me? You want to live forever, right? This is your vehicle to enable that. Your shadow, the master teacher, is your boat that will sail you on into eternity and beyond. That’s right you can live on in perpetuity in two modalities: through bios and zoë. The ancient Egyptians even recognized this combination and called it the Akh.

 

It is a luminous being; today we would recognize it as a concept of enlightenment. What is being shown in this iconography is the merging of bios and zoë into a new power. From my standpoint, it looks like a conception of how to achieve conscious eternal life. The reason I say that is it seems that biological life is conscious but perishable. Indestructible life, the zoë, is subconscious and uses biological life to gain a foothold into consciousness. In the advanced thinking of the spiritual masters of ancient Egypt, they seem to have envisioned a vehicle that combines the two.

 

It presents to me with an interesting conception of the word enlightenment that we throw around nowadays. If you’re awake, preach love, and declare we are all one that usually gets you into the E-club though some celebrity and followers help back up your claim. Sorry about my sarcasm here. Anyways, I’m intrigued by this conception of enlightenment that my spiritual journey and probing into understanding what life is all about has unearthed. What do I know? It took me a while to admit it but I’m fully comfortable with the demon within; I’m bipolar and I have progressed in my journey from being scared and wanting to get rid of him into understanding he is my master teacher who means well in a very peculiar way. He’s transforming me into the ultimate warrior. So, I can see now that if we are to combine into this luminous being, he needs to forge steel out of the raw material I gave him to work with.

 

A favourite intellectual game of mine is to challenge prejudices and hierarchies. The life force is dominant and biological life cannot exist without this power. Because of this knowledge, my natural inclination is to believe that the king is the life force. Shouldn’t Set be one up on both Osiris and Horus in the ancient Egyptian pantheon because he is not subject to death? Not so fast… The life force is indestructible power however to come forth as self-aware it requires the manifestation of biological life. This is how the energy expresses itself and because the energy is a pulse, biological life by nature repeatedly comes and goes into consciousness. Biological life coming forth thus births two entries into conscious form: The bios and the zoë, imagined in ancient Egypt as the brothers Osiris and Set. To play the game they need each other. Without each other they are but potential. This is one of my favourite images from ancient Egypt, found in the Papyrus Jumilhac, because it explains so much. The bull depicted here is the life force as Set and this powerful animal is carrying Osiris as biological life. The two are exoterically opposed but secretly in the esoteric mystery, they need each other. In the far left panel is the son Horus with his father Osiris to his left, inert on a bier. Horus stands on a hippopotamus with his spear in dominant fashion. The hippo represents Set. The image is reminding us how we use the life force to give rise to our biological form and then subjugate and bury this power henceforth why I found it buried within the shadow. The middle frame shows Osiris without his phallus; the phallus being the representative of the masculine life force power.

Indulge me if you will because I want to show you how this myth is my story and it’s your story.

 

The masculine voice that talks to you when altering your consciousness is your shadow; it’s the hidden and indestructible zoë. The nature of psychedelics that is among the most frightening experiences within this human existence, at least for me, is the ability to access the darkness that lies within. There’s nothing to prepare you for it; nor can I try and explain or teach you how to approach this aspect of self. We all will react differently as a first timer. The game is on. It’s a game that can last years if the initial foray is not game over for you. Running from the fear is totally understandable. Fighting back is heroic. Understanding what is going on is next level. Suffice to say, this entity is your master teacher. Do with this information what you will. Approach with caution.

 

Some of my early Ayahuasca visions and encounters make a lot of sense now almost eight years later. My first foray into the unknown was an encounter with the sacred feminine who wanted me to come away with her. I understand it now as motherly instinct to protect; knowing that what I was going up against could kill me so she wanted to shield me from this situation. When I protested and said I was not done with my earthly incarnation and voyage, she offered me a cloak of protection against my enemies and told me I could call on her at any time. I didn’t know what she meant or why she was offering these items. The second ceremony I quickly learned why as the darkness came and steamrolled me. It was the worst night of my life; a thorough beat down. The third ceremony, the masculine voice came again and showed me paths: Paths to power and a path out of this predicament where I would just drop the idea of plant medicines. I declined the path to power and ran home where I mulled my options. I like adventure and I like knowledge. The fear activated within counselled me to drop the plant medicine path; my inner fortitude beckoned me to continue.

 

I enlisted the help of the Goddess and got up off the mat. Slowly, I regained my composure and set off to once again engage the subconscious. On came the attacks; the fits of panic and doubt; and the thoughts to stay away from the experience. I returned and I battled. Once I got a leg up, was a vision where the Goddess told me to take up my sword and go after this darkness. She then revealed this darkness was her husband and he kept her locked away in this castle made of gold. I made plans to defeat this enemy, eventually concluding the enemy was a part of me. I also couldn’t understand why she married this guy in the first place? I think there was a Star Wars moment in here somewhere where I realized the darkness was my father and I came to defeat him. I kept developing my new-found strength and soon within a ceremony I transformed into a jaguar, thus revealing that within me was now the recognition and available power of the life force along with my biological life. One of the most important concepts I learned on this path to power was to open the heart and run everything through the heart. This is paramount and without these lessons power will destroy you.

 

From this point forward in time, I had mastered fear and a four-year period ensued where I developed an amazing clarity of this game. The culmination occurred in the last few months where I put all the pieces together; added it all up and realized this darkness within, the shadow, is the master teacher and the holder of a vast reservoir of power available to me if I so choose to take it. The master teacher gives lessons in becoming a man, a warrior, and is a fount of wisdom. As I said earlier in this piece, it is through biological life that the zoë manifests. It is through my vessel that the master can transmit his traits. He does it through jaguar training school. If you choose to enrol, it can become a game of life and death and there are no training wheels to be offered. I can’t recommend it because it can be deadly.

 

It is hard to accept what I have learned on this path I chose. I became a man of knowledge and this knowledge can be a little unnerving and hard to both acquire and come to terms with. Cultural indoctrination runs deep and the natural inclination is to deny what you are being shown. My run in with my buried shadow, a man stomped out by culture, I never expected to turn out this way. He was a bad man who scared the shit out of me. I was shocked to learn of his identity and to learn of his methods for teaching me to become a warrior. To be like the master.

 

So, that my friends is the journey where the Ka, as the life force, uses the Ba for the manifestation into consciousness of its power. The relationship is symbiotic and necessary in order for actualization of the potential that lies within the life force. It’s why as a teacher this power is relentless and accepts only mastery. Who you may think is your greatest enemy could be in fact your greatest teacher. A previously unfathomable outcome is now within reach.

 

I returned to the teachings of the sages of ancient Egypt from a time long ago because as the knowledge turns into understanding I have come to realize that what they taught is what I have independently verified. The myths of Horus of Set and their constant fighting mirrors my own internal struggle and recently I was able to separate it out into the bipolar nature of my being that were in essence my biological life and the universal life force behind life which the Greeks called bios and zoë and from a masculine point of view are the Greek Apollo and Dionysos. What the masters of ancient Egypt taught was you can harmonize these two into one called an Akh. I haven’t reached that point and I can’t verify if it is true however I have no reason to not believe them because what they have taught up until now on my path has been remarkably the real deal, if you can understand metaphor and throw off cultural misconceptions. When I researched this concept of Akh further, I came across the identification of the bird to which it was most likely referring and that bird is a heron. Observing a heron in the wild you will notice its call is a penetrating, “ack, ack, ack.” I’ve heard it before and I have commented to myself it sounds like a dinosaur. Anyway, as my understanding increases the omens take form. Around the pond where I walk the dog at night, a heron has taken up residence, calls out in the night time sky, “ack, ack, ack,” and glides to its nest over top of me. Of course it does, I thought to myself. I’m on the verge of its secret.

 

The butterfly comes forth from the caterpillar in this lifetime. It is interesting to project this transformation out among say many lifetimes and think about our own lives. If you view our energetic form as constructed as eternal then reincarnation into different biological containers becomes a plausible idea. What would be the purpose behind reincarnation? For fun and adventure? Possibly. Desire? That’s a big one. Or are they all elements of the game and the game is transformation along the lines of the example set by the butterfly. Eventually, we will transform our biological impetus in combination with the eternal life force that powers us up into the shining radiant entity called the Akh. Perhaps this is all fanciful speculation but I do know the butterfly is the most common symbol I come across when I access altered states of consciousness. Its behaviour must be pointing me towards something I can figure out the more knowledge I synthesize on this incredible journey.

spiritual mountains

In ancient Egyptian mythology the mummified Osiris is representing time as eternal duration called djet, essentially no time. The void. Our minds think of this as a dark and desolate existence due to the use of the english word void. It would be better described as a unity. Osiris is the creative masculine power that quickens the feminine darkness from which light comes forth and this illumination is the first cause of separation. The life force of Osiris was then snuffed out by his created opposite; his brother Set who was intent on claiming kingship over creation. Osiris' wife Isis magically restores his virility, allowing Osiris to impregnate her.

Osiris magically restored from temple of Seti I at Abydos

From this union is produced a son, Horus.

Isis nursing Horus from ROM Toronto, Canada

Set harasses Isis and chases her throughout the land to try and kill Horus. Isis eventually settles in the northern delta region and hides in the marshes away from Set and receives help from the Great Goddess Hathor to keep Horus hidden. Horus grows up to avenge his father's death against his uncle Set. Osiris is now a lower world figure because of his assassination. He is a flicker of light present in the darkness. Horus is a middle world figure who has to come of age to play the hero, defeat the villain, and climb the mountain. This is his journey, and his journey alone, which is demonstrated in his beheading of his mother Isis in a fit of rage after she interfered in his battles with Set. Horus receives healing help from Hathor during the arduous climb after Set accosts and blinds him. The blinding of Horus is a metaphor for being so focused on the climb up the hill you forget what got you to this place to begin with. Successfully climbing the mountain means he has defeated his enemies, reclaimed Kingship as well as the white crown called the Hedjet, and he gets the girl. The girl is the Great Goddess Hathor.

The race up the mountain between Horus and Set to be the most high is a metaphor for the contendings of the two halves of the mind for dominance and a quest for the masculine idea of enlightenment, depicted in ancient Egypt as the white crown of Osiris.

Osiris' Hedjet white crown 

Esoterically, this denotes the Kingship of self; exoterically, the myth conveyed a battle for the Kingship of Egypt, and ultimately the winner becomes a ruler ready to lead others on in their journey up the mountain. There's a chance, as you are about to summit, that you will discover the mind's desire to become enlightened is an egoistic construct. There's also a good chance you won't discover this. The pinnacle of spiritual attainment will be reached.

I am aware of a couple things in regards to the answer I am seeking. The most important is Love. Love will be the key that unlocks all. The route on my journey involving Love goes through the Goddess and there is no avoiding this. It presents to the seeker the fount of universal power, a chaotic and wild power that will be your doom. I think many have tried and all were routed because they approached the power with less than pure intentions. So, eventually this path was buried and forgotten and in its place the masculine ego continued seeking and developed hyper-masculine methods of completing the hero's journey, thinking they could get in the back door and access this power.

Attributes of masculine spiritual paths include asceticism, subjugation of the feminine, cultivating a state of no desire, a disengagement from the world, righteousness, and rewards. There is a masculine spiritual problem that manifests as misogyny. Why is it a subconscious problem within the masculine mind? I think it has to do with the hero's journey. We are on this innate quest and at every turn the feminine presence has the potential to derail it. Passion, pleasure, marriage, family, and sirens all take us away from completing the journey, so then we live out our life feeling trapped, pass away, and return for another go around on the wheel of incarnation. Men feel women want to ensnare but again I don’t think they do it consciously when they enchant, hypnotize, and make you forget why you are here. The conundrum is that in order to complete the hero's journey you have to go through the feminine and you have to master the power that comes from her. I have the knowledge I need to complete the hero’s journey and it involves taking this power and moving it into the heart and radiating it out from that centre. The only problem is that power first manifests in the genitals. Power manifesting sexually is so strong and there is this desire for it to be satiated. Then you follow that path and it traps you once again because of all the consequences involved in the careless use of this power. Has anyone ever got past this point? But maybe the problem is with the hero’s journey and it is necessary? Is it just a fool's errand?

Mysterious power I can name but to its essence I remain in shadow. If you wish to worship something this would be it however She asks no worship. She shows you Love and what you do with this knowledge is your freedom of choice. To become fully realized is to raise your vibration and become light. The masculine within is forever striving to move forward in the journey and reach its destiny. As we separate from the mother of all, we acquire self-awareness and along with this the lack of knowledge of who we are leads us into delusion. The delusion, which is a result of ignorance, manifests in the belief that the character we are playing is a separate entity, alone in the universe. The masculine within loses itself on the climb to the top of the mountain and to reach the top of the mountain becomes a much more arduous climb than imagined. The climb is difficult to begin with without the added obstacle of dealing with questions of identity. The ascent becomes sidetracked with the steadfast belief in self and the subsequent need to aggrandize self or wallow in self-pity. The climb can only continue once there is a reconciliation with the sacred feminine.

From an overall perspective, the journey from dark to light is far from a magical trip following the yellow brick road. First of all, there's a dragon that accompanies the seeker on this journey up the mountain. Freed from the chains that bind him to the darkness, the dragon has his own agenda once granted freedom. As what I will call the "higher self" becomes self-aware in this world, the dragon doubles down on this awareness and causes the higher self to think he is a separate being, alone in the universe. The higher self buys into this and is manipulated by this construct of ego layered onto self via the dragon. Many are lost in a world of self-aggrandizement or self-pity oblivious to their true origins and the journey stalls without the intuitive knowledge that there is something more. Some seekers are content with allowing others to be their guide and succumb to the temptation of a belief in someone else's beliefs. Getting past these hurdles and forging on into the unknown will lead to a direct encounter with the dragon and without sufficient courage you will run from this harrowing experience. This flight from the beast can either lead you into the trap he has prepared for you or you will end the journey once and for all and return to your unfulfilled life. If perchance you can muster the courage, throw off the fear, get off the mat, and continue on you will be rewarded. The worst is over; the dragon will continue his attacks but you will grow stronger and eventually subdue this bastard. Help is available for you. Just look for it and ask for it. Then get up that mountain!

At the top of the mountain I will become one with my heart. I carry her now; she is but a child entrusted into my care. I am like a clueless father tasked with raising a daughter I know nothing about. This is the part of the journey I must accomplish on my own in order to transform my heart and soul into one.

So you reach the the top and what is waiting for you? You are enlightened! You are now the most high! What an accomplishment? Another great egoistic achievement. Another lesson. I’m going to climb down the mountain now and just go back to Love. My Goddess awaits my return. I will meet her halfway once again in the middle world, rule over my world, and return to her world at physical death.

call to adventure

The call to adventure beckons once again. I have gone into Egypt to recover the knowledge of the Great Goddesses of the past and then came multiple trips descending into the Lower Water World of the Amazon to snatch the pearl from the dragon at the behest of the aforementioned Goddess. My friend Ganesha closed the path back down into the Water World and has steered me in the direction of the Upper World to ascend into the mountains.

Sri Ganesha

I was well aware the Middle World of the earth where I spend the majority of my time is for all intents and purposes ego world. It's all about the individual self and constructing identity. Adventure called to a place I could go to find the higher self. I would find this elusive character and bring him back to the ego world and the quest would be satiated for I am jaguar and I traverse the three worlds. I knew the next step after the Upper World is ultimately death and a physical release from this world into the next, though using past experience as a guide high adventures awaits. Anyway that's the plan.

I'd heard a particular Alan Watts lecture a few times that describes the elusiveness of the ego. It's a well told comparative story where the police respond to a robbery at a residence and the ego as the perp simply escapes up to the higher floor. The gist is the higher self you seek is of the same essence as your ego. You think you can transcend the ego but in actuality you can't because it is a generated feedback attachment of your own making and it fluidly morphs into the higher self and hangs out at the higher level subtly infecting that aspect of your psyche which eventually manifests in your presentation to the world as being an 'enlightened' being; the pioneering psychologist Carl Jung coined this process inflation. This recent listening to the metaphor somehow triggered within the understanding of the interconnectedness of the ego and the higher self. The catalyst was I thought the opposite must be true then - the higher self must be able to descend down to the main floor where the ego makes its home and hang out there. This moment of clarity hit me while I was in the kitchen preparing the evening meal and it stopped me in my tracks. Aha that's it, the higher self I seek I already know very well, he has just been playing along in a game of hide and seek in this great drama all the while. I had a chuckle over that. I've known for a while the seeking I have been obsessed with, which has taken me afar, will lead back to the self but this time it felt really ridiculous. I get on airplanes and fly around the world just so I can find what was me all along! It's preposterous but it's the only way. Practically what a real waste of effort and money but in the end this part of the journey is priceless. I must continue to persist in my folly in order to complete the quest.

The Roman god Mercury and his element's elusive liquid nature with mysterious alchemical properties became illuminated as an apt symbol describing the fluidity that occurs between these two natures of self.

Mercurius

I meditated on this later in the evening to discern the relationship between the ego and the higher self and the role wisdom plays in mediating between the two. The brain is a physical model of universal consciousness to a proportional scale in order to localize it and in the human brain nature achieved the greatest expression of this project. This mechanical model of consciousness generates self centeredness because consciousness innately projects the idea it is the all so naturally when consciousness is generated via the workings of the brain and you become aware of other entities you truly believe in your uniqueness and separate self. This perception leads to self awareness as you compare yourself to other conscious beings and also self reflection from individuated consciousness existing within universal consciousness and the byproduct of these processes is the formation of ego; the ego being the psychic centre of the generated consciousness we access and experience. Lost within this structure is the ability to reconnect with universal consciousness. We are utterly lost within the universe of our own making and it is suggesting we did this on purpose in order to peer in a detached manner into the all. Universal consciousness tricks sentient aspects of itself into believing they are outside of the all in order to look in upon itself; this relationship is illusory but is essential for universal self knowledge. It would have to be understood by the originators of this construct that there would always be shards of consciousness that would eventually see through this ruse. Whether awakening from the dream or snapping out of the hypnosis is the goal of this game is debatable. At what point would the all be satisfied in an inquiry into its fundamental nature? I tend to believe it is a win win situation where the realization of the separate self of their true origin despite heavy odds of it happening, elevates all forms of consciousness to greater heights and reveals an insight into the nature of consciousness that yes it will seek and aspire to greatness despite the traps and detours encountered along the way.

In the world I currently find myself in I will never completely transcend the relationship between ego and the higher self but will only get glimpses of which I have previously attained. Through the use of cactus juice (Huachuma) I fully realized how essential Love is to the process of elevating your consciousness from self centered ego awareness to cosmic oneness - experiencing the light within; a kinship with all life; the Goddess telling me your it; sitting in a boat on the Amazon river fully connected to the all which was this Love I cannot put into words; and there was the moment sitting in the Maloca in the jungle where I became disassociated with identity along with a vision of a closet full of suits, representing identities, which were available for me to try on and assume whatever personality I wished. I already know what I'm seeking on my next adventure so it feels like I seek confirmation of something metaphysical I have now grasped on an intellectual basis and in fleeting transcendental moments. I will fluidly transcend ego self and become the cosmic higher self I am sure of but it is lacking without the heart. There's a reason I had to recover the heart (I called it the pearl earlier in this post) because without the heart the journey stalls. You have to go down, down, down into the depths of darkness to save the princess and establish the relationship between the heart and the conscious self once again in an union that will propel you soaring into the clouds.

A word about wisdom to end this post. The Roman god Mercury is an expression of the Greek god of wisdom Hermes and the roots of this deity travel down into ancient Egypt to their wisdom god Thoth (Djehuty through transliteration of the hieroglyphics).

Thoth from Book of the Dead of Amen-em-hat

Thoth mediates between the warring brothers in the story of the Contendings of Horus and Set. Thoth acts as both scribe and messenger, can perform great feats of magic, and is depicted at times as a baboon as well as an ibis stork. The baboon is of the earthly Middle World but can reach the limits of the sky while swinging through the trees while the ibis is of the airy Upper World but can descend down into the earth and also spends time fishing in the watery Lower World. What I'm describing here is the fluidity that Thoth as wisdom generates to enhance his ability to seamlessly bridge the divide between the metaphysical worlds that encompass the sum total of our psyches. His mysterious and elusive nature allows us to freely move between being self conscious and an enveloping all persuasive consciousness with ease which we can recognize as distinct modes of cognition. It is through worldly experience and the trials of life that this wisdom is attained and finally allows you to profoundly see what is going on. Wisdom comes in a flash and it is very mysterious. You can't bottle it up and contain it so the element of mercury is used to try to describe it as it can easily change shape and mould itself to be present where and when required. The Greeks incorporated an element of a trickster into their conception of Hermes. This is because we tend to over think situations and then start to second guess ourselves leading to confusion. As well by this time in humankind's evolution the Greeks had become aware of the inherent ability to use abstract language, language a gift originally from the gods based on pictograms, to hypnotize and deceive. Hermes is also a very phallic masculine god which delineates him from the intuitional wisdom of the feminine that is very well described in Greek as Pistis Sophia which translated is ‘faith in wisdom’ and from the translation you can derive the intended meaning being essentially intuition from wisdom. To sum up in order to come to terms with the higher self you need the help of Thoth, who is the bridge and the ladder and he will lead you to your destination and once discovered then you will always know.