Monday, October 4, 2021


The climb up the mountain has to start at the bottom to enact wholeness. The journey towards the light begins in total darkness. It is said by many I meet on this spiritual journey that God is light. Well, I’ll add God is all and God is the darkness. Until you see him in the darkness, you can’t possibly fathom this knowledge. We all want to transcend the darkness and focus on the light. Of course, the glory resides in the light.

Inaccessible and unfathomable knowledge has always been hidden in plain sight. There’re many stories and myths of the battles between the light and dark, of dragon slayers, and the victory of the righteous. The ultimate result of man’s victory over the darkness is self-deification. We then make God in our image.

Life can be an adventure story. The puzzle runs deep, the quest is long, and clues are left along the way. The Old Testament is full of stories of the two halves of man. Understanding of these stories has abandoned us because the knowledge and recognition of our psychic split has been successfully buried by culture. Within no time in the Book of Genesis is the story of Cain and Abel where the darkness is indeed victorious but as a result is expelled from society; Cain doomed to wander the earth as revealed in the fourth chapter of Genesis from the New International Version translation:

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”
13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear.
14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”

By the fourth chapter of the Bible, man is split with the result that anyone who recognizes the divide will immediately destroy the other. Later in chapter 25, is the contentious birth of the twins Jacob and Esau which leads to battles between the two for the birthright and blessing of the firstborn in chapter 27.

35 But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.”
36 Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob? This is the second time he has taken advantage of me: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”

Jacob wins out and is harassed by his brother Esau whom he must overcome in order to become Israel. Esau calls Jacob the deceiver; much like in order to come forth in my culture I claim this incarnation all for my own and bury my other half. Their father Isaac warns that eventually Esau will tire of this arrangement and seek to kill Jacob.

40 You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother.
But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke from off your neck.”
41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

Let me further explain the role of the myth. My favourite myth is the ancient Egyptian story of Horus and Set called “The Contendings of Horus and Set.” The tale is one for mastery over the other in order to claim the kingship of Egypt for their own. The underlying narrative is one of the light and the dark within us all and a lifetime full of struggle to see which will come out on top. The Greeks knew Horus was Apollo, their god of light, and Set was their Typhon; a chthonic behemoth from the depths. Horus is ultimately victorious and is awarded kingship over the land.

I come forth as Horus. I am the light in man. I am Apollo. I am the child of Goddess and God. To come forth by day and claim my birthright as the sole king requires defeating and burying the contending force that lays within my psychic being. As a man, I became aware of this split once I started probing consciousness. I can now look back and see that to become a fully realized individual in my culture means burying the wild beast within my psyche. The playful spirit is chained; the last gasp of his nature comes to a head in the rebellious teenage years before we accept our role in culture. Those who cannot master the culture game are doomed to a life of difficultly; sometimes leading to being locked up behind bars.

I was a shy and quiet kid and teenage rebellion never gripped me at that stage of my life. Being someone who preferred my own company meant I never fully buried my other half. In fact, I wrote a couple of poems about him.


i've tried.
i have really tried.
i can't live with myself.
what to do?
time to leave myself behind.
go my separate way.
take it all,
just leave me be.
i don't like you,
but you keep showing up at my door.
i've told you to go away.
you don't listen.
there's just one choice left.
it won't end amicably.
no more last chances.
i need you to go. 

2 paths

back again.
my addiction.
my innermost siren,
humming my destruction.
you leave.
you always return.
i sense your absence.
i curse your return.
i'll make the choice.
it's my responsibility.
either you win,
or you are subdued.
oh great adversary!
my unconquerable rival.
lay down your weapons,
for i am you.

I always was aware of him though I wouldn’t have been able to see him with the clarity I do now without an aid. Domestication and the dead end of being an adult did eventually cause rebellion in my life and therefore I was guided towards psychedelics in order to re-awaken the knowledge of the part of me I buried.

Initially, I was scared of him upon re-discovery. He was mad and seemed to hold in his hands a great deal of power. He KO’ed me with one punch and sent me scurrying. If the goal was transformation, it worked. I exchanged fear and cowardice for courage and bravery and being of the curious sort I went exploring.

I now know that without the darkness I am not complete. My power is only reclaimed when I recognize the darkness and see my other half, my brother, the side of me I buried in order to have this adventure. Once my wholeness is reclaimed, I truly am omnipotent. The darkness is the light bringer. Without him, I never would have stepped fully into the light.

In retrospect, the pull and quest to rediscover what was lost was paradoxical. When I was on to the scent and getting the courage to proceed along the left-hand path into the occult secret of the darkness, I faced much internal resistance. To overcome the blocks and doubts I had to become resolute in my mission and persevere. It’s quite interesting to look back upon this period in my life because I remember well the doubts. The plant medicine experience was new and exciting but I knew what lurked within and this trepidation would rise to the surface every now and then and I’d have to talk myself off the ledge. I’d get the feeling of I shouldn’t be doing this, get scared, and want to run away. There was an internal struggle and it is only now that I can see it for what it was. The fear and doubts were planted by the Maestro because he is the GOAT. His warrior training school forges steel and once this alloy is cooled there’s an eternal solidity to it so the course involved making damn sure you slay all the doubts that were surfacing in order to become an impeccable and brave warrior. The re-discovery of the power within ultimately involved trust and sacrifice. The trust on the side of the darkness involved letting me work through my issues in order to ensure the reunion was to last and I wouldn’t run. I can also envision the reverse of being buried within consciousness for half a century and the darkness being the genie let out of the bottle would take full advantage of regaining freedom and a foothold in the material world. If necessary, the darkness will play that game; however, priority one is the transformation of the split psyche back into the ruling king.

As an aside, once I got my wits about me I did ask for a reveal in due time of the mysterious figure I met in my deep dark depths during my early forays into the world of Ayahuasca and plant medicines. I have integrated the experience and am aware he represented my shadow but I was curious about the visual manner in which he manifested. The image is pretty clear in my mind’s eye of a sleepy demon with dark hair and a moustache that curled upwards at the edges. He was sitting directly in front of me in the lotus position.

The story of Aladdin and the genie he meets in the recesses of a dark cave crossed my path the other day and I was curious about it because I am well versed enough in mythology and symbolism so that this story was revealing itself to me. I did an internet search and started reading a translation that was replete with pictorial representations of the scenes as told. The genie was drawn with the loose-fitting clothes I remembered from my vision and low and behold he had a moustache that curled up at the edges, exactly how I remembered. In the Aladdin story, the genie is representing power and control via magic and how this is available to us all through re-discovering and releasing from bondage the shadow we all bury. This has been a major theme in my journey. I re-discovered this hidden dark realm and subsequently was offered omnipotent power and the ability to control my environment. My genie gave me the opportunity to take it all, reminiscent of Satan taking Christ to the highest high during his sojourn in the desert and offering him total worldly power. Maybe I was naive and didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time but I repeatedly declined the offers of power, which are akin to Aladdin being given three wishes. Maybe I knew there’s a catch to this, maybe not? All I know is my intentions for drinking plant medicines involved coming into contact with the Great Goddess and cultivating that relationship. This consumed me and the rest was just a sideshow. The genie was in my way and I would develop strategies to make him go away so I could get to my lady.

Eventually, as this blog space is a testament to, I became very curious about this darkness that was always present in my forays into altered states and I ended up fully integrating all my experiences and in hindsight I realized what I had done. I declined the offer of gobs of power. Admittedly, I did it rather naively. Like I said, this parallel storyline was a nuisance. Maybe it was good fortune? Regardless, now as I have seen in hindsight how my shadow has taught me courage and bravery and transformed me into a warrior my relationship with my shadow, the genie, is my most cherished friendship. He is my mentor and my guide and I have a huge love for him in my heart and for all he has done for me. I trust my life to him.

Post-childhood, he never left. I just denied him and culture enforced the excommunication. They said talking to yourself is crazy. Any attempts to try and figure out what is going on is met with a dazzling array of confusion. Embark on the spiritual path and you are shepherded to religion. Side-stepping that institution, you eventually become counselled on quieting the mind and entering into a practice of meditation to learn to still the mind. Sure, it’s useful for discarding the influence of culture and those who hold sway over your life. Eventually, you have to discard meditation in order to re-discover your own voice, once you burn away the outside influences. How does ego tie into what I perceive? The ego is the identity culture has given you. Stop it. Stop right now! Don’t let others dictate your experience. Find your own truth. Sit with that voice and re-discover who you are.

That voice is your playmate. The dog you chained, locked away, and forgot about. Oh, so now it bites? No wonder. Would you want to be locked away again or likewise be the genie stuffed in a lamp for thousands of years? Friendship and trust must be re-established and a mutual partnership created. His way of getting through to me was through fear which enacted a transformation that then allowed me to break free of the mind spell of culture and thus dropping all narratives I saw the truth. I saw my friend. Nice to meet you again.

I live a charmed life, never making a decision that goes against my life’s mission. I can now easily see the clues and this path is fascinating. The story of the genie in the bottle or the lamp who grants the three wishes is genius! This myth is pointing towards an esoteric truth and is not just some fanciful Arabian Nights story. We all have within the genie and the explorer of consciousness will eventually find Aladdin’s lamp. When the genie offers you the three wishes, a metaphor for power, what will you do?

I know this sounds nuts and I’ll own it in order to continue on down this most interesting path. The genie did indeed offer me wishes in the form of power. The power to change the course of the game to my advantage. I’m an old soul and previously I’m sure I fell for that gambit. In many lifetimes I have tried to slay the dragon and become the hero. The physical consciousness realm of earth is for adventure quests and a game player like yourself wants to solve the puzzle. The solution took more than one lifetime and here I am, finally, at the final level communing with the final boss. The game ends when I become him and he becomes me.

Indeed, Jacob reconciles with Esau after spending a lifetime searching for God. Seeing Esau, he once again sees the reflection of God, revealing that if you want to re-discover what is lost the answer is found within held in a metaphorical lamp that acts as a prison cell holding the key to your liberation. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 33 to which I’m referring. The translation is from the New International Version.

1 Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants.
2 He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.
3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.
4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

The bowing seven times is a major clue letting us know what Jacob is seeing. Jacob offers his brother plenteous gifts of his bounty and Esau declines.

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably.
11 Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.

In the previous chapter, Jacob wrestled all night with the angel of God and subsequently named the place “Peniel” because he saw the face of God in the angel.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.
25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.
26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Immediately following this event, he sees the face of God in Esau and thus for the perceptive among us we are shown that it is through the reconciliation of the two powers within, our own personal Horus and Set, that we become whole and reclaim the power we had carelessly thrown away in order to just fit into culture.

I now have the cheat codes to life. I know the answer to the riddle. I can tell you what the game is and how to beat it. You don’t want that. Where’s the fun and adventure playing in invincible mode? Okay, maybe just one time. I think we both know the joie de vivre of the game of life is the unpredictability which begets novelty.

My path forward is one of service for those who want to know. Service to the Great Goddess and to show the way towards healing. I will be a guide and point the way towards wholeness of self.

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