pain first

Simulation and fantasy baseball lessons.

If you don't play, you can't be disappointed.

Embrace disappointment if you play.

Cherish it as part of the game.

Without it, there is no game.

Welcome it.

When you acquire power, you rig the game in your favour.

You become a tyrant.

That's what people are doing.

Climbing the ladder.

Getting to the top and rigging the game so they win.

They play a game that is cruel.

It is a game which stops the game.

We seem to all play that one.

What's the answer?

Celebrate a loss.

It's part of the game.

Looking back, what do you think of all your losses?

It's a win.

Why?

I won the game I was looking to win.

What was it?

Get to God, or some kind of spiritual game I was playing.

You aren't sure.

I was up to something.

Those losses gave me the win.

If you win all the time, you won't win the big game.

The advice is to play, not win.

Play keeps the story going.

Winning ends it.

What about a loss?

It ends the game and motivates you.

The worst thing for play is to win.

You stop playing.

What do you think of the game?

I kept playing after I got to God.

People leave after that step.

You get to that place and it's game over.

Yes, but now I'm God and I know I'm not all that special.

I wanted to figure out the game.

I didn't care much for getting to God.

I want to play.

Like I said, I'm happy now.

I feel like playing.

I figured out how to cook my favourite meals.

I know how to have fun.

I like playing spiritual games.

Knowledge and writing.

I'd like someone to play with.

Dion is great.

Others get scared of me.

You are a little much.

Yeah, I know.

It's hard to play with others.

You must avoid the pitfalls and traps.

Why?

They want to beat you.

So, interactions are games.

Yes.

Family is supposed to be a safe space except the two at the head hooked up.

That means it's a game, however it is supposed to be a place of refuge.

You overthink everything with Mary Jayne.

It's the balance to her stoning you.

She addicts you to her stoning, so what she does is you play a game where you overthink everything and then crash out to being stoned.

You love being stoned, so at the outset of the trip your mind crashes out, and you enter the blissful state you were craving.

When she loses her hold on you then you start getting anxious because you can no longer crash your mind out.

Is that what happens to some who think MJ turned on them?

Yes, they could no longer get stoned, and their minds raced.

They must take a break.

They go back to MJ because they healed their mind to the effect they can be stoned once again.

Now, I know you want to examine your relationship with MJ.

Yes, I don't get stoned therefore my mind is in overdrive.

How do you feel about that?

It's great.

You seek out the opposite effect of MJ.

Yes, she is a teacher.

If you were stoned by MJ, you wouldn't like it.

Correct.

Well, if you ever get to that point, then you know you are addicted.

I don't think that will happen.

Why?

My mind won't crash out.

I know it could if I took more.

That's what people are doing.

They take a dose which can short circuit their mind.

They get to that place of happiness and joy.

Exactly.

That's the addiction.

Then they feel free to do what gives them pleasure.

I see that.

Thus, the comment about how strong your mind is.

You don't get stoned.

Hypnotized.

I saw that with Ayahuasca where she was very hypnotic; however, I wouldn't fall under her spell.

Why not?

Whatever the dose is, I didn't get there.

Huachuma was similar where I had a big dose over and over, and I did at times get to a place of cosmic love for all.

I remember those feelings.

It wouldn't last.

Do you think Huachuma came the closest to getting you in a state of permanent bliss?

Yes, I'd say so.

What stopped you?

My mind.

It's too strong.

I know I could take more MJ and be fine, however I have found the doses which are teaching and that's the reason for my use of MJ.

Isn't that addiction?

It could be.

I see that I return for knowledge.

I also return for stories and my friends.

I also like the heightened feelings and awareness.

Isn't that addiction?

Sure.

I mean because you like something, does that make it an addiction?

If so, you can't avoid it.

I think you need to clarify what an addiction is.

Something you feel powerless to stop.

Is it because it's bad for you?

Not necessarily, it could be good or pleasurable.

What about balance?

That would be part of the addiction where you are aware of the boomerang, however you still do it.

You would return to the addiction even though you know of the toxic boomerang.

Is that part of the definition of addiction?

An addiction is something you are powerless to stop even though you are aware of the consequences which can be positive or negative.

Addiction is an awareness of balance and still doing it.

Is that why some people will get addicted to something destructive?

Yes, say a drug they know will cause them pain.

They will do it for the pleasure.

The opposite is at work, and it seems to be the same thing.

Yes, you'd drink alcohol for the pleasure even though you know you will suffer for your choice.

Isn't that the mechanism for drugs?

Yes, however some people want pain.

Why?

To reap the benefits.

Remember we discussed BDSM and how you receive pain first.

It's because the lasting memory in that case is pleasure when it's over.

The reward is at the end.

So, you're saying the smart choice is to take the pain first.

If you feel you must make a choice.

So, don't play?

No, that's boring.

So, do play?

Yes.

Don't you make a choice for pain first then?

No, you don't make the choice.

Your playmate does.

How does this work with MJ in that she will stone you or make your mind race?

You let her make the choice.

She doesn't stone me.

That's not from a lack of trying.

Got it.

What about you?

I am present.

So, I'm not addicted to her?

You are playing.

That's how you play.

You let the other choose and you will win.

If you don't want the game to end, then don't run up the score but know you can win if you want.

You win by going with the flow.

Same with MJ where you go for a walk and don't force the issue.

When you force the issue, you are vying for control over the game.

Trying to get control over the game will eventually cause pain because once you get control, you will direct the adventure to what you want.

Obviously, you want to win the game, so that's why you seek control to get the outcome you desire.

I'm telling you that is how you lose.

You let your opponent take power because they will make a mess of it.

They will choose to take advantage of power and not realize the coming boomerang.

Is this how I keep winning in life?

Yes, you go with the flow and don't seek power.

By doing this it is recognized you are power.

Power does not seek power.

Power has no need for power.

Why would power need power?

What would power do with power?

Give it away.

When you give it away, you get it back.

You can't hang onto it.

All who seek power wish to then hang onto it and therefore lose it.

You give it away, and it returns.

ambrosia

Hang out on the edge of lust.

The feeling is indescribable.

The most intense one yet.

Then it got a little bit ruined.

Because you like the ruin.

You like a little bit of pain.

We have it all for you here at lust's bend.

The cyclical farce of the spiritual trip leads back to the sexual.

To sit in bliss and rapture is to taste the ambrosia of the gods.

To be divine and watch the drama of Dionysos unfold with your cup of lust in hand offered freely by the Great Goddess.

I now understand meditation so you can observe the pleasure.

The spiritual man eventually folds in on himself, back to a state of primal bliss, with not a care in the world.

I sense the shortcuts to a taste of bliss through narcotics are meant to tempt and destroy.

The natural way to this realm of ecstasy seems to be the goal of the spiritual trip that is well hidden from view.

With narcotics, the siren call leads to your demise.

I know the way in with stories.

Maybe a good story is the ultimate drug?

It's a combination of the divine feminine and masculine.

The feminine has the lust drug and the masculine writes the story.

Together, they are what you are looking for.

I see why the adepts ran away up the mountains and became hermits.

The holy sect wanted to go into rapture for as long as possible.

The distractions of civilization will constantly bring you out of the state of pleasure, so you find a place on a mountain where you can be alone for weeks at a time.

It makes sense now.

We think they are in communion with the divine.

They are spiritual jerk offs.

It is a state of bliss.

It is a state of indescribable pleasure.

It is communion with the divine that is highly sexual and that conflicts with my notions of the divine.

I must let my preconceived ideas fall away.

My stories take me there and then I must let them go and stop the play, so I can just sit with pleasure.

The tempting aspect is finding the story that does it for you, takes you to the edge, and then you wonder, is this the story I will act out in my life?

Can I then get double the pleasure?

From this you see pathology, fetishes, and the unexplainable explained, though I'm not sure the victim of lust is aware of what's going on.

I have awareness.

I see how powerful this lust drug is.

You were supposed to be spiritual, and you ended up sexual.

It's because they're both the same.

If you take the spiritual path full circle, it becomes sexual.

it was always tantra

Little clues always present to me situations which help me to see into the game of suffering. So, here’s the teaching: I play a fantasy baseball game and my team is pretty good. However, when adversity strikes and I’m losing, it gives me a frustrating feeling that I don’t like, especially in the morning if I wake up to failure or bad news. What is interesting is that the failure and bad news for my team is the opposite for my opponent. It’s such a great example of how the suffering in the world works. In order for someone to prosper, someone else has to feel the effects of not getting what they want. If I stop playing these games of one-upmanship then I can bring everything back to net-zero. No pleasure and no pain. The question becomes is that what I want? I get the feeling I/we wouldn’t have manifested if that’s what I/we want. This plane of consciousness is physical duality and it attracts because of the chance for great rewards in a most interesting game. It’s the greatest carnival that has ever existed. It’s the ultimate casino giving you the opportunity to beat the games of chance or perhaps you can use your skills to get ahead and profit off of the suffering of others. They are fair game because they chose to play as well. We are here because we want to be here and experience sensuous duality.

It works similarly with projecting an image of yourself. If someone notices you then chances are they want to become you, possess you, or emulate your life; or alternatively not end up down in the dumps like you if you are depressed or economically disadvantaged. To bask in your awesomeness means taking personal power from someone else. Hey, check out my life, don’t you wish you were me? I have to create an aura of suffering in order to pedestalize myself.

This segues into the next question: What is the reason behind taking a vow of poverty? Why do all the great religious avatars turn away from materialism? In the progression of thought as you come to realize the inescapability of suffering being intertwined with rewards and pleasure, at some point you are faced with a decision that in order to not cause any more suffering would mean essentially that you would no longer seek gain. Poverty is the expression of that sentiment demonstrating you want to escape the game. Knowing that to acquire finite material goods takes away from others, you vow to not participate in activities that will materially enrich you. It's quite the quandary when you realize that the world you have incarnated into demands reconciliation. There’s no escaping this duality of pain and gain.

I didn’t know about this eventual understanding when I embarked upon the spiritual path. I could have sworn my journey would lead me to love, light, and transcendence of my condition. Instead, I get to face the harsh truth of existence. However, I think it’s what I ultimately wanted. I wanted to know. I wonder how liberation can alleviate the pain I see in the world and in the future? Can I take solace in that those who suffer and are feeling this pain is because they haven’t been liberated, think they need more, and haven't accepted the finiteness of the game we are all playing? Is the way out of any predicament you find yourself in thus to not get attached to outcomes that are the result of what you have been told is success? Within your little corner of the earth can anyone just create a life that is simple and fulfilling? Travel is very enlightening in this regard. Comparing your situation to others seems to be where the problems begin and the want to acquire as much material wealth as possible causes the continual suffering. Suffering to yourself and others.

Why is there suffering? Duality and the need to reconcile all acts. I was born into this particular dualistic plane of consciousness with specific senses that will allow me to sink into my desires. The enchantments and addictions are never ending. I constantly seek novelty and another hit of pleasure. If I fully want to go into my desires there are avenues of drugs and like-minded lustful people to satisfy my cravings. It was I who wanted this and so into the world of suffering I incarnated because in order to experience pleasure there has to be the reciprocal pain, so, yes I understand how it works. We all come into this world to experience and be lit up by desire. And even so, we still find present universal love. Sure, we can pervert it and use it to sink further into our desire quest but it is always around as a shining light to help us out of the morass.

Moderation seems to allow you to function in this peculiar world. Let’s be honest, I want the biggest thrill possible. I want to ride that roller-coaster of emotions and experience the highest high. I don’t want the lowest low but I can’t escape it in order to get that high. Moderation also seems to be a way to live in denial of why I incarnated in the first place. I don’t think you’ll get an award or rewards for your exemplary moderation. So, what’s the way to win this game? What’s the way out? I think it’s understanding the relationship between happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain, which leads to an understanding of reconciliation and reciprocity. If you are going to take, you give. Instead of living with moderation where you only take a good amount of food instead of the whole pie, you play net-zero where with each meal taken is given back an exchange of energy. Of course, as a linear thinking man I’d want to micro-manage the exchange and create a scalable system that enforces reciprocity. Ultimately, I think it defeats the purpose. Awareness should get the ball rolling, the opening of your heart will provide the impetus, and a natural desire to give back would be the result.

So, I’m subsequently thinking about planes of consciousness and how it all exists here in the now, everything is with me right here in the middle, but the senses I have been gifted with create my particular world. Psychedelics give you the key to unlock and access a hidden sense perception beyond our ordinary physical senses. The eternal and imperishable beings of love and light I met in an altered state aren’t in some far-off magical land but are here right now with me. I just don’t perceive them with my limited senses. The senses I have are the senses I desired in order that I could fulfill my desires and remain ignorant of planes of consciousness that would prevent me from satiating my many and varied appetites. I wanted to go deep into my lusts and figure out the why and the result of chasing them. Conceptually, I get it! Physically, in this carnival, I long for more cotton candy and another ride on the roller coaster. I don’t know when I’ll give it up or even if I can? I’m aware and I laugh at my predicament. I can watch others fall for the same traps. Hell, of course they do. We all stood in line waiting for a body to inhabit in order to take another ride. Then we create rules to frustrate ourselves. Why not just open it up and make it a free for all? Go right into your desires. I know why - it’s because you’ll infringe on someone else's trip and that’s a no-no. Also, you have to be on the lookout for the control freaks who get their jollies from controlling others. They gravitate towards politics and seek power. These people really suck.

This challenge is unfair. I’m a pulsing bastion of desire. I burn through them only to be confronted and lit up by more. I take the immediate pleasure and try to delay the consequences for as long as possible. Ha ha! I always have to reconcile the pleasure chase! Do I stand back and say, “Nah I’m not doing that; I know the outcome. I’ve been down this road before.” I did that during an Ayahuasca journey. I was repeatedly offered women for my pleasure and I declined. Instead, I said I’m going to stand back and watch it all unfold. Perhaps that me was helping me out. Dionysos teaches the same lesson. Stand back and observe the madness, even join back into the clown world but don’t get trapped and you won’t if you see through the game. Life is a game of enchantment and spells, moving from one to the other, always in search of more novelty, another mountain to climb, until you tire of it. Have I tired of it? I’m getting there. What do I desire? More knowledge I can transmute into understanding. Is that really a desire? Probably. I can’t escape.

Energy that pulses ostensibly with desire is what gives life. When desire wanes, you have death and a rest in peace getting ready for the next adventure. Life is desire and the games we play are a check on eternal boredom. This plane of consciousness is sacred and the grand carnival we all take a turn at. We don’t go every day, however, a trip once a summer is good. When it gets out of hand it leads towards destruction. If I can destroy myself I won’t have to face the ups and downs of that roller-coaster again in this lifetime. I keep forgetting how painful it is and lineup for the next ride and the thrill of it all.

There is a strange split in the pleasure/pain dichotomy in that the pain lasts way longer than the pleasure. In order to keep the pleasure going demands resources, while the pain is free. When regret sinks in we use attachment to dull its effects. The pull for pleasure is so strong we take the risk and live with the consequences. We are an impulsive species always living for the thrill of the moment and having to pay for it later. This behaviour is a clue into our makeup and of course why we are here in the physical world craving the gratification of sensual pleasures available in this meat carnival. It has to be the explanation why each and every one of us are here therefore you can look into everyone’s eyes and say, “You dirty rotten scoundrel. I know why you are here! You’re in search of pleasure just like I am and want to get your fill before departing once again. What an interesting game and character you’re playing so I don’t see through it! How degenerate and disgusting we all really are." Ha ha! There’s nothing to do but laugh and tip your cap to the master dramatist Dionysos.

The reality of it all is I’m in the physical plane with a bunch of degenerates. We were all attracted by the bright lights of the incarnation because we haven’t totally gorged on our sensual fill yet. It’s like the circus that comes to town once a year with the rides and games of chance. It’s exciting and against our better judgment we head off to the centre of town to join in the fun with everyone else. We fill up on cotton candy and the dodgy rides make us a little queasy. A candy apple later and we have a stomach ache. We empty our pockets on games of chance even though we knew it was a losing proposition. We end the day by watching the circus freaks. How macabre.

Incarnating into this world where you have to eat others to survive is also macabre. There’s no getting around it either! It’s part of the game rules we agreed to. We try and skirt the issue by only eating plants with the caveat the vegetarian is likely to become ultra-spiritual, do western yoga, and realize the intelligence of plants thus confronted once again by having to eat fellow sentient beings.

I create a persona to try and hide the fact I’ve incarnated into the sensuous world as a satyr, seeking pleasure, and trying to moderate the pain. I join outfits that paint me as a respectable member of human society, misdirection I suppose, and if the realization of my hedonism gets to me I might just join the church which promises to forgive and save me from the inner guilt that I like pleasure and rewards. It’s all too funny. Why do I care that my motivation is pleasure and think I’m being judged for it by others who can play a similar game of obfuscation of why they are truly here in this strange world? It’s been a long time coming to finally accept this paradigm. I think I did realize it at some point when I tried to escape my predicament. I tried the ascetic life; I stopped eating meat; and I dropped the consumption of alcohol. I didn’t go around posting social media blurbs about my newfound awesomeness however I was quite proud of the straw house of purity I created until the big bad wolf came around and blew the walls down.

How truly bizarre this world is especially now that I can look into the eyes of my fellow incarnated souls in this carnival and know deep down their motivation for being here. It truly is what we wanted and the universe always fulfills what we want. I guess the advice is to be careful what you wish for because as beings of desire you will get what you want. We all wanted this opportunity; the game rules were given to us with no guarantees. No one really likes a game with a predetermined outcome so there had to be an element of chance; the possibility you may end up in a war-torn shithole you had to crawl out of. I got a pretty good roll of the celestial dice and ended up a white, middle class male in the best country on earth! I’ve done well with it and figured out the game. Time to give some of it back and be of service. The Great Goddess teaches me about being true of speech and action. There is something to be said about the saying that the truth shall set you free. Eventually, when you look into her mirror enough times, you drop the act, and see it. It’s liberating to understand, with the corollary I don’t have to beat myself up anymore for my failures that are only inadequacies because of culture. I’m just here getting my fill of desire in this physical world designed to make it all happen, just for you. Enough trips to the carnival and I see it; it was bound to happen.

Bon Appétit!

This was a long post intended to reconcile desire. I now fully understand sexual desire leads to creating new forms, which is the weaving together of energetic patters, and that is the fundamental nature of Tantra. Without the root desire to enable the creation of form, the desire inherent in all energetic being would have no playground in which to fulfill, well, their desires.