he with the two faces

I started reading the Bible word for word about 12 years ago. And that's not just a cliche, I went through every word. I looked up the meaning of every word in a concordance. I was manic and under some spell to decipher meaning from these ancient texts. It was all part of my middle age crisis where I was determined to find the origin of beliefs. I wanted to find out why humans throughout history have had a belief in a higher power. Superstitions play a part in it but at one point in our history there were no atheists; well, there were a small minority who kept quiet about it. I found it compelling there wasn't more dissent and convinced myself our ancestors had more access to the divine. I then set out on a path to find out what the access was, which led me to shamanism, and then into the Amazon jungle and the potent decoction called Ayahuasca. It seemed clear to me that the suppression of consciousness altering substances would lead to a decline in religious and spiritual beliefs and only those who could go on faith and the intercession of a priest could and would remain in a relationship with higher powers.

I was naively introduced to psychedelics ten years ago and was immediately catapulted into the world of spirit. First contact was with the Great Goddess and subsequently I've met some of the all-time greats! My quest for the origin of beliefs ended about twenty minutes after drinking my first cup of Ayahuasca.

Further exploration of the psyche took me to many places and along the way I've retained my knowledge of the Bible though by no means do I consider myself of the Book. I know the characters, the motifs, and the mysteries hidden by the stories. My favourite is the relationship of the first born to the second born. This motif is pronounced in the stories of Cain and Abel, and Esau and Jacob. We also see Jacob bless Joseph's two sons Manasseh and Ephraim and he crosses his arms so that Ephraim, the second born, receives the blessing of the first born just as Jacob had usurped these gifts from his first born brother Esau. Here's the description of the blessing transference from Genesis chapter 48, New International Version.

12 Then Joseph removed them from Israel’s knees and bowed down with his face to the ground.

13 And Joseph took both of them, Ephraim on his right toward Israel’s left hand and Manasseh on his left toward Israel’s right hand, and brought them close to him.

14 But Israel reached out his right hand and put it on Ephraim’s head, though he was the younger, and crossing his arms, he put his left hand on Manasseh’s head, even though Manasseh was the firstborn.

My first love in gathering knowledge to fulfill my mission was studying the ancient Egyptians. I am captivated by the story called, "The Contendings of Horus and Set" which depicts a lifelong struggle between adversaries for the crown of the murdered Osiris. Horus is the son of Osiris and Set is the brother. Though Horus and Set are not brothers but uncle and nephew, the hidden meaning revolves around this war within you for dominance which the Bible refers to as brothers.

In my own life I have felt this for as long as I can remember though full acknowledgement didn't come until I was over four years into my psychedelic journey. I would encounter another half of me, scare myself, externalize the situation, run from him, and then try to convince myself to stay away from altering my consciousness. I was frightened though curious at the same time. I did get past the fright and then was able to explore deeper. I fully accepted the other half of me about five years ago and have explored that relationship. The part of me that has taken centre stage in this lifetime can't be trusted and waffles. I originally locked away my other half upon coming of age, so in response the shadow part of me now has ensured I won't do it again. It's for the best. He told me in 2020 that I need to kill myself in order to live. I was spinning my wheels going nowhere, taking us both down. The pandemic locked us down and Magic Mushrooms allowed me to have an airing of grievances with my shadow. We hashed out our differences and became friends who understand each other. I help him and he helps me. I'm the pretty face to the construct and he will get us to where we need to be.

I thought of those who let their darkness run their lives. They are the one's seeking power; they are greedy; they are lustful. These are the people that make earth a miserable place. Is that my future if I let my shadow start running the me show? I pondered my predicament when the voice from within said it is not so. I have the advantage of knowing of this split within the man, acknowledging it, and entering a partnership. For everyone else, it is a struggle for mastery. At this point it was my shadow who directed me to my knowledge of mythology and my intimate knowledge of the Bible and God. The Old Testament God is the supreme Alpha male, and he comes forth in all first born. The story of the Israelites is the veneration of God through the first born and then taking the birthright of the first born for their people. The rightful owners of the birthright are the descendants of Cain and the descendants of Esau.

Cain couldn't handle the birthright and as the original first born he became jealous of his brother and then smashed his head in with a rock. From this encounter is derived eternal animosity. In the Old Testament the Israelites schemed to take the birthright as well as crossing the arms to transfer the blessing from first born to second born. I bet you never have understood or seen this explained before. Instead, you just read a bunch of Biblical stories and allowed some other ignorant theologian to explain it. Sorry to be so dismissive but sometimes the truth slaps you in the face. Cain is expelled from society and sent to wander the Earth. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 4 NIV to which I’m referring.

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.

11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand.

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

Cain is doomed to wander the Earth in perpetuity. As the first born, Cain is the spirit of the Alpha male come to incarnate. He is an angel of God. The angel of God in the Old Testament is a wanderer, just like Cain. How do I know this? Well, check out these passages from Zechariah chapter 1 NIV.

8 During the night I had a vision, and there before me was a man mounted on a red horse. He was standing among the myrtle trees in a ravine. Behind him were red, brown and white horses.

9 I asked, “What are these, my lord?” The angel who was talking with me answered, “I will show you what they are.”

10 Then the man standing among the myrtle trees explained, “They are the ones the Lord has sent to go throughout the earth.”

11 And they reported to the angel of the Lord who was standing among the myrtle trees, “We have gone throughout the earth and found the whole world at rest and in peace.”

The four horsemen of the apocalypse from the New Testament Book of Revelation are mentioned here in the Old Testament. The angel of the Lord is the leader of this group who wander the Earth, stirring up trouble whenever they find peace. The angel of God rides a red horse. The association of red to war, the alpha male, to the first born, and to God himself is not lost on anyone with a capacity for synthesis of ideas present in the Bible. God is the Lord of Hosts. Hosts means armies. First born males are described as red and ruddy. It is the meaning of the name Adam. Esau got the nickname Edom, which means red. God in heaven is the colour red. Don't believe me? Check out these passages from Revelation chapter 4, NIV.

1 After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.”

2 At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it.

3 And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne.

Other translations describe a carnelian stone which is a translucent red. I present these passages to demonstrate that Jacob's brother Esau is a first born angel of God. Jacob steals the birthright and blessing from a hapless Esau. In Genesis chapter 32 NIV is the famous story of Jacob wrestling with the angel of God after trying to run from him.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Jacob subsequently named the place “Peniel” because he saw the face of God in the angel. Immediately following this story is a reconciliation of Jacob with Esau. Seeing Esau, he once again sees the reflection of God, revealing that if you want to re-discover what is lost the answer is found within. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 33 NIV to which I’m referring.

1 Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants.

2 He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.

3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

The bowing seven times is a major clue letting us know what Jacob is seeing. He's swearing an oath on his life to God. Jacob offers his brother plenteous gifts of his bounty and Esau declines.

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably.

Jacob sees the face of God in Esau and thus for the perceptive among us we are shown that it is through the reconciliation of the two faces within, our own personal Horus and Set, that we become whole and reclaim the power we had carelessly thrown away in order to just fit into culture. Thus, the psychic split within us is revealed through the story of Jacob and Esau. We are both god. I come forth. I'm the usurper of the throne who is the Jacob of the Old Testament. My shadow as the omniscient life force is relegated to the dark. Remember the angel of God telling Jacob when they were wrestling, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” We both have monotheistic tendencies, and the resultant backlash and gambit of the Alpha is to be the voice within and to be worshipped as God.

The enmity between the two inhabiters of the body fuels the disease within. The reconciliation of the contending halves of self for the crown recreates the divine masculine. The wholeness results from the two faces of God again becoming whole. This is the grand narrative of life for the man, interspersed with calls to adventure.

inner truth

Religion is the objectification of spirituality. It is making the esoteric exoteric, by projecting out from your inner life the inner sanctum which is unique to your story. Every conscious being is responsible for creating a universe. My world is different than yours, and we agree on what we witness through language and definition. The energetic impulse from the dreamer crosses each avatar's boundary. We can interact within each other's dream and create a new dream, called offspring, by merging into one and reproducing.

Our inner lives are similar in experience, much like the outer life. The concepts of love, light, the divine feminine and masculine are common to all because they are what we are. Also similar are the experiences of the darkness and demons which seek to control our behaviour. Because of the overlap, the ability to create a religion, name the cast of characters, and ascribe attributes to them based upon cultural norms and expectations, becomes an exercise that is highly probable to succeed. Human beings are given validation of what it is we all intuit.

Where we get lost is in the ceding of our inner truth to an authority which expects us to conform to a canon of acceptable beliefs. This is because my truth is different from yours. My location on the spiritual path is at a different point in the journey from yours. My life lesson plan is different from yours. We have divergent karma and to feed everyone from the same bowl is not fulfilling the potential of each incarnation. We seek answers and often don't know where to turn, so we look towards the spiritual authorities in culture. The hard part is turning inwards to find the answers you seek. You hold all the answers and if you ask, you will unveil them to yourself.

The role of belief in the game is paramount, but it is not belief in an external projection. The belief is in yourself. I'm telling you that only you know why you are here and within you have the answers to what it is you are looking for. As hard as it may be, you are responsible for your spiritual progress. The true teacher of the path will direct you to go inwards, that is all. Though you will find the answer within, it doesn't mean you are left to a life of isolation. Find the others on the path and celebrate the uniqueness of the journey you are all on together.

I am intimately aware and acquainted with my inner spiritual world. At first, it was all new and fantastic, so I externalized these characters. This has the consequence of inculcating fear. After you exhaust that trip and either run from yourself or stand up to yourself, you reach the turning point. You are either defeated or become a first-class warrior. The warrior gets past the fear and starts to explore which reveals the truth. It's all you.

Religions are containers for spiritual truths. They bring the mystery to life and as humans we take the knowledge and shape it in order to get an advantage over the easily led sheep. At the core is found what it is we seek. It's up to you to use your wisdom to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Other people's fantastical consciousness journey stories are a trap. They wow you with embellishments of what they experience in the psychedelic space and you're like, "I wanna go there! I wanna have that experience!" This takes you away from your personal story. There's nothing like your story and if you stick with it, you will discover the big secret. All of us are sidetracked by the bombast of the other, and we lose sight of our own path. We become attentive and captured by the pull of the other, who mostly cloaks their intention in a blanket of service that shields a desire for followers and a perverse need to monetize the human experience.

It's smaller scale co-opting that is also performed by religious institutes. The human experience will demand you confront your mortality and the guardians of culture know you will start to awaken. At the ready here in the West is the Church. When the time comes, the doors are open and welcome you into the fold. The original awakening that brought you to the doorstep is short-circuited. There's a canon of beliefs you must accept, and the priest becomes the go between in matters regarding the divine. So many blindly fall for this even though they were the original priest who had the contact with something divine.

The positive aspect of all these distractions is to prevent the final awakening. When enough of us awaken we will reach a tipping point. The tipping point is we collectively awake from this long and strange dream and the world ends. You can see the signs already, can't you? The coming destruction is upon us because it's the manifestation of energy on a higher consciousness plane simply of God waking up. You are God. It would be conspiratorial of me to suggest there're many in this realm that are working hard to prevent God from waking up. When you walk your own path in your consciousness journey you reach the door which when you open it will reveal the secret. We are all on our own personal journey of awakening which leads to this door. In the labyrinth of the damned, the detours and sideshows are aplenty. You can travel through them in order to become acquainted with them but chalk them up as learning experiences. Retrace your steps and find faith in your inner guidance. Follow your unique path to the end and find the centre of centres.

The light has been brought and I have come forth by day. I have awakened within my dream and see this as a world of my creation. To take the last step, fully awaken, and get out of bed, means the destruction of the universe. It is Shiva completing the Rudra Tandava dance of destruction. Falling asleep created the world and awakening destroys it. The caretakers of the world scurry about devising ways to keep the dream going. How do we keep God distracted so this whole edifice does not blow up? The eventuality is that it will, but in the meantime the dam is patched in a desperate attempt to hold back the flood waters. Yeah, I'll play along for a bit longer, but it's too late. I can't go back to sleep, so I'm just going to lie in bed for a bit before I get up.

educated

It sure doesn’t seem like a long time and to have made a commitment of this length would have been a non-starter to begin with. I’m talking about my awakening. It started just shy of my 40th birthday in late 2007. The reason I know this is Google search history! I started poking around the internet in 2007 for answers. I decided to take my superior logic and reasoning atheistic brain that was supremely confident in its ability to eventually figure out any problem presented to it and apply my gifts towards a perplexing human phenomenon which was: Why do we believe in these non-rational god beings and ultimately, what is the origin of beliefs? It’s been quite the trip. I started with something close to me, which is Christianity, and progressed through world religions before delving into what we know about ancient belief systems. I became fascinated with ancient Egypt and saw it as one of the bedrocks of what has passed on into our modern-day religions. I was soon obsessed and learned all I could before serendipitously being gifted with an opportunity to spend ten days exploring Egypt in 2009. I took the opportunity and further increased my obsession to the point where I could formulate my own coherent reason why people and societies had the beliefs they do which had to do with observation of nature, natural phenomenon, the stars, and the mystery of death. However, something still bugged me. Why would you waste valuable resources and human capital on constructing soaring and unfathomable pyramids and majestic temples? Well, maybe a few of these structures, however they are everywhere! And they are confounding to a modern such as myself. There has to be more to this equation. They had to know and therefore I had to know. Eventually, I figured out they were altering their consciousness through drugs, ecstatic dance, and ritual. Off I went in search of a modality that would allow me to do the same. I discovered shamanism and I found where it is still practised today in the Amazon basin. After close to five years searching for the origin of beliefs, I drank a cup of Ayahuasca and within twenty minutes I had the answer directly in front of me.

And so began the second phase of my education.

 

I know exactly why I made the original decision to go down into the Amazon jungle and drink plant medicines. I was chasing the Goddess I came across in my obsession with ancient Egypt and I was quite confident that by altering my consciousness I could get into contact with her. It turns out I was correct in my intuitive assumptions which is important because along this path you will face many twists and turns and you have to sort out fact from fiction. The need to do this discernment stems from the mind’s ability to spin a narrative. It is important at times to take a step back and try to piece it all together which means eliminating spin. This means separating what you hope and want to believe from what has repeatedly happened and the direction it is leading you. When I first went down into the jungle, I also had a secondary intention which was to confront the darkness that lay within my being. As I traverse this long and winding road, I can always return to these original two intentions and find the answers to why this journey has transpired in the way it has gone down.

 

Recently, I have been asking myself what possessed me to continue on with this journey, especially after the original beatdown I endured from my shadow the second time I drank Ayahuasca. Within the first two plant medicine ceremonies, the game was on. First, I met the mysterious and captivating Goddess and subsequently I was pummelled by the darkness that lay within. It was so severe and unnerving it made me panic and endure much paranoia, including hearing a voice afterwards for days. I returned home shell-shocked, wondering what happened? I fully admit to a defeat in that battle and I could have given up on the quest. It took me a while but I eventually did get up off the mat and made a return for round two. I took the blows and persevered, eventually to the point where I did get the upper hand and it opened up so many avenues of exploration on this most magnificent journey. Still, I have been trying to understand just exactly why I did choose to continue after my shadow made it clear to stand down and go away, lest I face the consequences and a gruesome outcome.

 

One of the reasons I continued was that to be in the presence of the Goddess was the most intoxicating moment of my life. It was enough of an otherworldly encounter I’d risk everything to get back into her company. Taking that chance allowed me to once again face up to my demons and I remember clearly the night I stood my ground and got through the blows coming at me in all directions. It was a fantastic feeling of exhilaration and relief when I survived the night and something definitely shifted within me which eventually led to acquiring an unbelievable amount of courage. Looking back, I was never one to accept defeat, as temporary failure would just make me double my efforts to figure out the game. It is clear that’s what I did however naive that may well be.

 

Armed with this strength and courage I set off to explore, all the while transforming within ceremony into a jaguar and being lovingly wrapped in the embrace of a giant green boa constrictor. I have been preparing for the third phase for a few years now. I have a feeling it isn’t going to be easy but I’m as ready as I will ever be. I’m going into the darkness without a flashlight or a rope to get out. It calls out to me and I will answer the call. Just like I intuitively knew I could get into contact with the Goddess in this lifetime, I know I can stand before my shadow, tall and proud. A student eternally grateful for the transformation in this incarnation through a process that would break most. I know he’s my teacher and all this he has done to make me a warrior. Others are not so lucky. Culture has conspired to make this journey and meeting pretty much near impossible. Nobody dares do this or approach the darkness. In 21st century earth life, it is now summarily hidden and forbidden. Onward ho! I kind of know I’m going back to Peru as soon as I can. Just recently the owl appeared to me three times to signal it is time for the next step. Yesterday kind of sealed it; this pandemic notwithstanding. So, I was returning from a walk in the nighttime woods with my dog and the owl was waiting for me. Always an omen, this one was perched atop a pine tree and multiple loud hoots came at me. It sees the energy emanating from me and said, “I see you.” I thought about it; I know the owl is connected to death. My focus is liberation and the advice I got from my peculiar shadowy friend last time down was he told me to kill myself in order to live. I think that will be my motto for the next adventure. The omen of the owl lets me know I can see into this darkness with clarity and that I’m ready to undertake this journey.

 

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. This John Lennon lyric from the Beatles’ song ‘I am the Walrus’ describes my current understanding of my shadow. We really are one but currently live split due to the situation where I, conscious me, took the part of me not sanctioned by the cultural super ego and buried it in the shadows henceforth I call him my shadow. He’s my unconscious me. By rejecting this part of me, I tossed away a lot of power and instead I am a puppet controlled by culture and others, who basically want to use me for their personal gain. Thus, the shadow teaches liberation because if you break free of the hold culture and of other’s expectations of you then you can reclaim that power.

 

I’ve invited the shadow back into my life. I can do that because I went on a path of discovery and I know exactly who he is and therefore can directly address him with the knowledge that yes I know who you are and in addition I’m not scared. I won’t run or lock you away again. He’s taught me a couple huge lessons in the last couple of months. First of all, I don’t need to seek power because I am power. I just need to reclaim it. Secondly, my goal of shedding desire I can never achieve and transcend because power is desire and you are desire. You can't transcend what fundamentally you are. I went through the process of the reductionism of self until I was left with a biological form that upon severing of the umbilical cord tasted a freedom for a very short period of time until I was named and subsequently brought up within my culture. So, I wonder who was that little guy? I found out he was once again the coming forth of desire after the mother and father got together to complete a sex act that was driven by desire. Cupid shot his arrow and then appeared in human form shortly thereafter. Most of Eros I bury and he becomes the shadow. What I don’t toss into the darkness is sanctioned by culture and become my drives as in a drive to succeed in this perverse game of life we all play. What does the winner get? All the toys? A mouth full of escargot and expensive liquor? How about you figure out it’s not how you play the game instead you know it’s a game and even go further and know that you created the game. Then you hold in your hand all the power and win the championship. Or, you just leave it at that and watch the game unfold while re-entering back into the game. There will be a definite reduction in stress, anxiety, and depression.

 

I have always been a contrarian and have been able to see beyond limiting cultural beliefs and how they direct your thinking into silos. It’s because of this default mode that I was able to see my shadow friend for whom he really is. We are conditioned throughout life to avoid the darkness and dare not explore it. The figure of a great and scary devil is presented to us so we stay away. Did we do this our self or is our shadow complicit in this conspiracy? Based on my journey, I’d hazard a guess the darkness contributes to this situation. It becomes a path travelled only by a few and then further whittling down this group it becomes a select gathering. The seduction of power will make the group go its separate ways. I can taste the power; sometimes I feel it in my hands. I did not seek it out therefore I’m still standing. I know it’s mine. For coming this far you could say it’s a reward. However, I’ve learned my lessons well and I know with power comes the temptation to control and my intentions revolve around liberation. In order to be free, you let it be.