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Monday, April 20, 2026

pariah


Another good word of the day.
Pariah.
Someone who is despised, rejected, and friendless.
I'm not despised.
Well, you are working on that.
You aren't despised because you are a mystery.
Total transparency would help the cause.
Hurt it?
Depends on goals.
Then the word of the day can be ostracized.
What would happen then?
That would be so much happiness you'd explode.
I think that's hyperbole, but I get it.
Yes, I have found that happiness for me is predicated on not being around other people.
That seems to be the genesis of it.
Throughout my life I found ways to be alone.
Even at work I'd try to hide in a room away from others.
You liked the company of a few people.
Getting married and having kids has led to happiness.
True, however, they aren't the reason.
Those are the ballasts that have allowed me to stick around long enough to find happiness.
So, that's it - a game of longevity?
I think so.
I don't think it is a hard and fast rule or requirement.
I think if we are honest with ourselves, we do know what will make us happy.
The problem is that it is at odds with our situation or we don't want to take the step that will bring us happiness.
Why not?
You will disappoint other people.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
What defines your happiness?
How would you label it?
Being left alone.
Reducing obligations.
Searching for meaning and answers.
Doing my own thing.
Exploring my mind.
Working from home.
Not having to go out into public.
Having a forest to walk in.
Knowing how to cook my favourite foods.
Writing.
Mary Jayne and Tobacco.
Good sleep and naps.
A decent amount of spending money but not being rich.
Helping other people from a distance.
That's the alchemical mixture that discovered my personal happiness.
That would make someone else sad.
They'd want to mix with other people and family.
I know that.
Some people don't want to be left alone.
I sort of get that.
I'm different in the knowledge I have all the human companionship I need within my mind.
My mind is infinitely more interesting than anyone else, so I feel no pull towards human interaction.
I do know the one thing my elixir lacks is a companion, and that's a dog.
A dog is the crowning of my happiness vibe.
Why is that?
A friend.
There's something about friendship.
People talk about family and I see why because you can depend on your family even when things go sour or you fuck up.
You mean your biological family.
Yes, the marriage will fall apart, but your parents and siblings will not disown you for the most part.
Yeah, you are stuck with them.
It's an interesting set up for sure.
A friend is someone you like having around.
That's the reason I have no human friends.
I don't like people around me.
I do like dogs.
They don't demand of me what will annoy me.
Why don't you examine that relationship?
Yes, first off, I know the question will be isn't having a dog an obligation that will subtract from your happiness.
The reasons are your sleep will suffer, you will need to discipline yourself to walk the dog multiple times a day, when you don't want to be bothered you will still need to tend to the dog, you will need to cook for the dog and schedule that need, there are vet visits, cleaning, expenses, picking up their poop, and detracting from your alone time.
Furthermore, you can't disappear into the woods for as long as you do now.
Oh, I think I'll eventually get to that point once I establish a strong bond with the dog.
I'm not too put out by that.
I'll figure it out.
Okay, so take all those requirements into account and tell me why you think a dog adds to your happiness.
They are very appreciative.
They bond with you and love you.
Friendship in that regard is transcendence.
What do you mean?
It's beyond what you put into it.
Then it is not balanced.
Correct, the disturbance and annoyance brings great happiness.
Why?
Balance.
But it's not.
Happiness is a result of your efforts.
Ah.
You find the formula.
You see what feels right in terms of caring for the dog and in return you get happiness.
If you do nothing for the dog, you get nothing in return.
That's the law of do nothing.
Your world seems complicated.
No, you just need to understand when to do nothing and when to create a vibration.
With a dog, I create a vibration which will lead to happiness.
Shouldn't you do nothing?
No, you need to walk and feed the dog at minimum.
Just feed it actually.
Right.
The do nothing axiom would only work in terms of not getting a dog.
However, you miss out on friendship.
Friendship is the crown jewel in life upon happiness.
Not only are you the most high, but you will be the most happy.
That seems even better.
Yes, in terms of playing a game, that's it.
No one reaches this level.
Wow, I'm pretty special.
You sure are, padre.
Is getting a dog part of the game?
It's in the game.
It's not required.
The beauty of the game is that nothing is required.
You don't need to do anything.
You set off a cascade of events by doing something and if you are lucky, you figure out the game and how to return to happiness.
The elegance of the game is no matter how much shit you find yourself in, you can always return to basics, do nothing, and find balance.
Then proceed in the game again.
Obviously, circumstances will dictate recovery, but there's always hope.
Then you fuck up again before you find what it is you are looking for.
Why?
The carnival is distracting.
You need to get off the midway and find peace.
I'm saying you can find happiness at any interval within the game of life.
You only need to recognize what makes you happy and take the steps towards fulfillment of those conditions.
That can be painful.
Yes.
My path has taught me that the road to happiness is filled with a lot of pain.
Pain you will not understand, but a pain that is freeing.
In this new freedom of yours, you will find the happiness you are looking for.
What's next?
You get protective of your happiness.
Why?
People will come to destroy it.
Why?
They don't want you to be happy.
Why?
Envy.
They want your happiness.
What do you do?
Shut up about it.
Yeah, but you are posting about it.
No one reads it.
No one really knows I'm this happy.
Why not?
There's no way you can be happy.
Why not?
You don't have the markers of success in this world.
You aren't rich and successful.
Are rich people happy?
Materially they continually purchase happiness.
They get hits of dopamine from material possessions and wealth.
Nothing lasting.
What do you think of rich people?
They are neurotic and unhappy.
They are rich though.
They spend all their time being rich.
What does that mean?
Making appearances.
Mixing with others who are in the same situation.
Competing for top dog of who is the most wealthy.
Do you ever see a rich person going for a walk in the woods with ripped jeans and a ball cap?
No.
Why not?
It's not the brand.
If you are rich, you can't be alone and find peace.
Ever seen a rich person who is at peace?
No way.
They didn't become rich through peaceful coexistence.
They did something and will need to always be doing something.
Then they worry they will lose their wealth.
They become preoccupied with finding ways to preserve their riches.
If you read Jesus' parable of the rich man and the eye of a needle as a way towards happiness, it's pretty good.
"Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
In this case the kingdom of God is happiness.
Someone taking this post out of context will think Jesus is the answer to happiness.
If that makes you happy, then go for it.
Do you think religion makes you happy?
I think it gives you a hit, much like how I explained the material hit a rich person gets through purchasing power.
Religion gives you a spiritual hit.
Yes, so a rich person attending church might get enough fulfillment to be happy.
That's an interesting take.
What do you think?
It's fleeting.
Why?
They are both crutches which you rely on.
Left to yourself, the happiness vanishes.
Ah, I see.
External vs internal happiness.
You got it.
Internal you find anywhere.
You aren't dependent on anyone else.
Sure, but you need conditions to be met.
Of course.
Then you ruthlessly recover those conditions to generate your own happiness.
Don't rely on others for happiness.
It will not last.

Monday, April 13, 2026

sets and props

The Goddess says I'm a misogynist.
Are you?
I don't think so.
Are you working on it?
No, it's getting worse.
Your misogyny?
Yeah.
So, you are a misogynist.
She thinks so.
Do you think so?
No, I love women.
They are great for the story.
Without them, this story would suck.
How?
One dimensional.
Just men all trying to be the alpha.
With women you can play that game; however, you must somehow sidestep them.
What do you mean?
They come to drain, poison, and kill you.
Isn't that misogyny?
No, it's the story.
So, the story is misogyny.
Not all of it.
Just some of it.
So, you admit it.
No, it's the perception.
You mean belief.
Yes.
Well, isn't belief the major factor in the story and not truth?
Yes.
So, the truth is there is no misogyny.
Correct.
The belief is there is.
What do you believe?
You mean in terms of the truth or beliefs?
Yes, what do you believe?
That's a funny paradox.
Yeah, either you believe in the truth, or you don't believe in the truth.
What do you believe?
I guess I don't believe in the truth.
Exactly.
The truth is just a belief.
It's an illusion.
Isn't belief an illusion?
Why?
Because you believe in beliefs.
That's true.
So, beliefs are a product of beliefs.
Yes.
That's absurd.
So is this story.
What is an illusion?
A story or a belief.
When the carnival is called an illusion, that's what it means.
It's a story.
I knew that.
Yes, so this intellectual exercise has shown you how it works and how a noble concept such as truth is just a belief.
Yeah, but you can argue that physics is really real.
Yes, they are the sets and props.
All stories have them.
Well, not the ones purely in mind.
Correct.
Are the stories in the mind real?
Sort of.
So, they have sets and props?
No, they are illusions.
Same with a dream.
The sets and props in a dream are illusions.


How do you know this is not a dream?
You don't.
We think it's real.
Why?
Because we all share the same sets and props.
That's the same in a dream.
I see that.
Do you question the sets and props in a dream?
Definitely not.
It's background.
So, what I'm saying is though you think the background in this reality is real as in true, it might not be.
What do you believe?
I believe they are real.
Why?
The ground would collapse.
Reality would go boom.
Why?
The story would fall apart.
I can see why the story must remain cohesive then.
Yes, if we all started questioning it, then it would blow up.
Is that what happens?
Yes, the end of the age.
Peak absurdity.
Like Idiocracy?
Precisely.
What question am I dodging with this tangent?
I forget.
Hang on.
I think it's where you are a misogynist?
I don't believe it.
The perception is you are.
So, I'm at odds with perception.
Yes.
Isn't perception the consensus belief?
Correct.
It's not true then.
Truth is a belief.
The belief is that you are a misogynist.
I'm not.
I'm just saying.
Well, the truth sucks then.
Exactly.
Stick with beliefs.
Have a strong belief system and that's all the armour you need.

Monday, April 6, 2026

paradise lost

As you get older and know what you like, then happiness is possible.
I think you have always realized what you value; however, the pressure to conform has prevented you from fulfilling your desires.
A lot of times your desires are pretty simple and mundane, such as wanting to be left alone, so you can sit in a back room and write or go for a walk in the woods by yourself.
Yeah, it doesn't take much.
Being part of the community or feeling the need to be social, rips that away from you.
I know it's strange.
Obligations subtract from happiness.
Family obligations are the number one culprit.
Casual friends and acquaintances you can skip out on.
Work is more difficult; however, you get vacation and sick days to look forward to as an escape.
You learn that you need to perform a function to unlock rewards in society which you can trade for happiness.
Nobody does.
Yeah, they just make it worse.
They trade their rewards for more obligations.
They might get a week abroad at a resort and that's about it.
That's their only escape for the year.
Most people don't even realize it.
They are too hypnotized by the culture game, making appearances, and trying to get ahead.
I just want to be left alone.

What do you think about love?
It's a belief.
Ram Dass teaches a mantra to hypnotize you into that belief.
"I am loving awareness."
It's really good.
Why?
Because it isn't necessarily real.
It's a belief.
If you want to believe in something, believe in belief.
Not love.
Yeah, but love is what some spiritual traditions teach.
Yes, it's a good hit of dopamine and keeps the spiritual community together.
The community is the bond and love is the glue.
It's a game.
What about other love?
Who do you love?
Well, you are supposed to love your family.
Why?
Happenstance.
Expectation.
They provide for you.
Take care of you.
That's part of the whole caring scene where you need a network of people to care about you and in return you provide support.
It's conditional.
Isn't family support and love unconditional?
It can seem that way.
So, you don't think it is?
I think it is the top level of the conditional support reciprocal arrangement.
So, it's reciprocal.
Yeah.
You give and take.
That's life.
Why do you believe in unconditional love?
I don't know; it sounds high and mighty.
You have found it.
It's friendship.
It's uncaring love.
It fits into your religion of Paul.
So, you rank love below belief and trust?
I don't think it is part of that group.
Why not?
Belief gives meaning to this story that has no meaning.
You manufacture beliefs.
Trust is a very hard game to win.
There is a game of power you can play.
You must trust the other.
Why?
You give them your power, and they give it back to you.
If you don't trust them, they will keep it.
Why?
You lack trust.
They can't trust you.
I see how that works.
So, those are the two biggies.
Is there a third?
Yeah, it's okay to cheat if you don't get caught.
Why?
Nobody knows except you.
Doesn't that violate trust?
No, you don't get caught.
The understanding is that nobody is really trustworthy.
So, it's all a fool.
Sort of.
You still share power.
If you can be trusted to share power, the other stuff doesn't matter.
So, love isn't part of this?
What is love?
A feeling.
Why do you have that feeling of love?
It's something to do with being selfish where you can take the self-important need to care for yourself and transfer it onto another.
That's not bad.
It's part of the teachings of Ram Dass where he told you that you put your love in someone else.
You take your heart and give it to another so you can worship it.
You are worshipping the concept of love and not the other person.
You can take it back from them.
Withdraw your love.
That sounds a little cold.
Something to think about.

I got right to the edge of the worst decision of my life.
That was your rock cliff to jump off.
It was a mental cliff.
How did you survive?
I did nothing and it went away.
I sit here years later in the forest having a smoke.
Funny how life turns out.


That path led to perdition, and you escaped by doing nothing.
It was painful.
The correct path of nothing can sometimes lead to temporary pain.
In the long run, it's a winner.
You are happy and at peace.
Yeah, it's nice.
You got what you were looking for.
If you go against the teachings of the Tao, you will not find what you are looking for.
Do you see how impossible it is?
Yeah, we are programmed to do something.
That leads you on a path to not necessarily destruction but unfulfillment of the reasons you incarnated.
You could even be happy.
Well, you'd be happy as long as you remain ignorant of what could have been.
It will always gnaw away at you as you fulfill the latest obligations you have trapped yourself in.
You know you have the answers.
There's nothing gnawing away at you.
It's the opposite where you are fulfilled.
If this was it, would you be fulfilled?
Yeah, I found what I was looking for.
What do you think?
It's pretty funny.
Amazing.
Do you think people will believe you when you tell them about it?
No.
Why?
They are serious.
Everything is serious.
Life is serious.
It ends in a wooden box that you try to delay as long as possible.
When they bury you, it doesn't seem serious anymore.
We make it serious.
You need to be saved.
Prepare for your afterlife.
What's the worst thing you can do?
Prepare for your afterlife.
Why?
You will take it seriously.
When you drop the body, don't do anything.
Everyone does something.
Yeah, they head for the white light.
What's the white light?
Heaven or similar.
Isn't that where they want to go?
Yes.
Then why avoid it?
It's not what they think.
Why not?
It's a dreadful place.
Full of rules and non-stop worship of God.
They don't like the alternative, so they choose that one.
What about the paradise of the Elysium fields?
It's a perfect place of bliss and happiness.
What have you been taught about that?
It's utopia.
Nothing happens.
Why?
You are hypnotized into a state of bliss.
Sounds nice.
How did you feel before awakening?
I knew something was off.
It gnaws away at you until you embark on an adventure to figure it out.
Exactly.
Paradise is populated by people trying to figure it out.
Aren't they blissed out?
No, they awaken in paradise.
Kind of like Adam and Eve?
Yeah, they were given paradise.
Eve ate a metaphorical apple and awakened.
So, Eve was the first to awaken.
Yes, and then she woke up Adam.
Once awakened paradise was lost.
Well, what about now when people awaken?
Paradise was already lost.
That awakening allows you to see there is more than the daily toil of earthly existence.
You see a purpose.
What's the purpose?
A higher calling.
What is it?
Paradise.
You are trying to return to paradise.
Sounds like the Old Testament story of the Israelites returning to the land of milk and honey.
Yeah, that's it.
They want to go back to sleep.
Milk and honey is a euphemism for bliss.
This is good bible study.
So, the process is awakening and then trying to go back to sleep.
Yes, religion and spirituality puts you back to sleep.
Join up with one of these groups and off you go.
Nighty, night.
That's where the second awakening as described in the canons of Paulism comes in.
Right.
The second awakening is that you see the trap of spiritual outfits.
It doesn't even matter if you avoid the culturally approved church and join some spiritual misfits.
The goal is to put you back to sleep.
So, there are three awakenings.
Yes, three.
Of course.
We don't experience the first.
That was Eve and then Adam.
We are born into that world.
We can then spiritually awaken.
If that happens, it is required by society that you immediately join something and go back to sleep.
Why?
You are a menace.
Yes, that's me.
I didn't join anything.
I did nothing.
Then I hit the third awakening.
Yes, the third awakening is the big one.
You see the carnival in all its strangeness.
Has anyone ever been here?
They got to the gate.
What happened?
They became the religion they avoided.
Larger than life.
Huge ego.
They are the ones who establish new movements.
Like Paulism?
Precisely.
That's what happens to someone who gets this far.
What's the result?
The power corrupts them.
Why?
Followers and a sense of self-importance.
They take it seriously.
They go back to sleep in their feeling of self-importance.
They forget it is just a ride at the carnival.
Do you think you will ever do that?
No.
Why not?
I don't take it seriously.
It's real though.
Yeah, but it's a carnival.
You can't take a carnival seriously.
Why?
It's no longer fun.
It would close down.
What do these people do then because they have seen the absurdity of it?
They forget about it.
If you forget it is a carnival, you go back to sleep.
Why?
You take it seriously.
Seriousness puts you back to sleep.
Or milk and honey.
Got it.
Women put you to sleep as well.
Yeah, have you ever seen a mother with her newborn?
That's the main thing they do.
Rock the baby to sleep after milk.
They do that with everyone.
They are agents of the Goddess at her carnival, making sure you remain asleep.
If you start to wake up, she puts you back to sleep.
Why does she do that?
You will leave the carnival.
Why?
No one stays at a carnival they wake up in and treat seriously.
So, that's the deal?
It's the expectation.
The only way to wake up, see the carnival, and remain is to not take it seriously.
Yeah, so she will always try to either put you to sleep or get you to leave.
Or both.
Exactly.
What should I do?
Nothing.
Will that work?
Yes.
Why?
If you don't participate in her games, then you can't get hypnotized.
She can't force you to leave.
Why not?
How would she do that?
Make my life difficult.
What's the answer?
Do nothing.