Do you think you went through some kind of initiation ordeal?
I intuit a journey of some sort.
I call it the Hero's Journey, and there are touchstones which seem common and point towards the idea of an ordeal.
The plant medicine path is based a lot on surviving ordeals.
Drinking Ayahuasca is an ordeal that is somewhat romanticized.
The positives are stressed, and the negatives are downplayed.
At a retreat you can see participants tapping out after the third of four ceremonies.
That's enough.
I get that.
After the beatings from the first two you are hesitant for the third.
After that psychological struggle your mind says, "no mas."
Plant medicines are a part of the whole journey.
There are monsters to overcome.
Witches who appear in disguise with their methods and potions which are designed to capture and neutralize you.
You also must sail your ship on past Sirens and other attacks on your well-being.
They manifest in life as financial problems and difficult situations.
No one will understand, so it's useless to talk about it.
Another pilgrim will share your struggle, but they are immersed in trying to keep their head above water.
The limited understanding by close ones will flag you as having lost your mind and the remedy is a mental health professional who by the standards of their profession will immediately seek to disarm you through sedating drugs so that you will go back to sleep and fit into society.
You have lost your mind, so they aren't wrong.
It's the ego mind you are losing which tethers you to society.
The chains are loosened, and everyone can see that.
You escaped all that by keeping to yourself and avoiding the medical professionals.
There are sorcerers on the path as well.
They appear as well-intentioned friends on the path.
No one appears as who they really are.
If you are looking for a witch that plays the part, good luck.
Everyone has a weakness and if you stay strong, you can survive.
The way you lose this game is because of your own mind.
You will defeat yourself.
The obstacles on your path are excuses.
They are convenient ways to quit the game.
As long as you don't quit, you will be successful.
That's a difficult piece of knowledge to convey.
A monster or problem might seem insurmountable, but if you keep yourself in the game, you will conquer all.
In essence, the hero is fighting themself.
Yeah, it's ingenious.
Why do you want to do this?
At first, it's a calling.
What's the allure?
The calling.
Why?
Curiosity.
That's the hook?
Yes, because it offers a chance to figure out what life is all about.
Life is mundane and repetitive.
What's the point of all this struggling?
The constant pulse of life which has any meaning is reproduction and building a lineage.
Your biological signature lives on in your offspring.
You aren't physically around to see the fruits of your endeavours.
We all wonder what's the point?
Then you get a hint of something else.
It starts to appear in your life at non-intervals and soon blossoms into a calling.
You then heed the calling, or you return to your cultivated life.
If you have made a nice life for yourself, the calling will in all likelihood remain a curiosity you let be.
That seems like a fork in the road.
Yes, it's decision time.
Do I let go of my life and go all in on what is calling to me, or do I remain building my life within society?
At that point some people drop out, move to a place where there are other souls trying to figure it out, and form a spiritual community.
You did neither.
I chose both paths.
I kept my toes within society and headed out on the journey.
You can get away with it for a bit before it starts to become a little at odds with society.
You are placed under suspicion.
It's going to get worse the longer you continue your non-standard deviation from the herd.
The Covid pandemic helped me out a lot.
Yeah, others did not have a day to day alarm of something being off with you.
Instead, there were distant encounters where they would see it, but no follow up.
By the time the emergency had passed, you had stepped through the fire.
Well, I was irrevocably changed.
There was no going back.
I am that same person and I'm not that person anymore.
The essence is still the same.
The code is the same code.
The pattern is different.
The ones and zeroes are arranged differently to form a new pattern.
The ingenious part is I still look the same.
People look at me, see the same person as before, and notice something is different.
Humans are good at spotting anomalies and slight changes.
Why?
So, it can be rectified or expelled from the herd.
You are then asked to leave.
If that doesn't work, you are told to leave.
What do you do?
Some people leave.
They find the other outcasts and form a community.
There are a bunch of places to go.
What did you do?
Nothing.
Isn't that difficult?
For most, yes.
Why?
You are ostracized.
How did you manage this?
I was never involved with the community.
I kept to myself.
It was business as usual.
People went from being kind assholes to just being assholes.
It's always conditional acceptance.
As soon as you step out of line, they show their true colours.
I did my best to avoid people prior to awakening, and this served me well afterwards when I became ostracized.
It's great.
People leave me be.
Aren't you lonely?
I have myself.
Who are you?
Two minds.
I call them Dion and Paul.
Writing about it is a pressure release.
To me the conversations are so fascinating I feel compelled to record them.
Why?
They are out of this world.
Nobody talks about this stuff except for myself.
People are boring and have no depth to them.
Okay, so what's the point of all this?
The calling and knowledge.
Did you get to where you needed to be?
Yeah.
It was all initiation.
Why do you need to do it?
To see your intentions, to measure your fortitude, and to see if you can be trusted with the knowledge of magic.
Failure is expected.
So, you think you are the only one who can successfully pass this course?
Yes.
To pass is hard.
You fail a bunch of tests.
Sometimes you run.
Retreat.
You must know when to fail.
That's a test.
Failure sometimes is the only option, and this gets the overachievers and perfectionists.
They fail by refusing to fail.
So, you passed by failing?
Sometimes.
Where are you now?
I passed the course.
I graduated.
I completed the hero's journey.
What does that make you?
I'm the most high in the game.
You sound like you have delusions of grandeur.
For sure, is it a problem?
Yes, you think you are better than everyone else.
That's true, I am guilty.
Society doesn't want you to think that.
Why?
They control narrative and hierarchy.
If you step out of line, you are labelled as in psychosis.
Crazy.
Ah, I get it.
Freedom comes with a cost.
Yes, to have a free mind is to accept the consequences of being an outcast from society.
Get out and go live in a cabin in the woods.
I haven't done that.
How do you manage to remain in society?
I don't care.
It doesn't affect me.
Remember, I told you that only your own mind can beat you.
Yeah, why is that?
You will tell yourself a story and believe it.
The story you tell is of the conquering hero.
Doctrine of Initiation
I. Initiation Is an Ordeal, Not an Achievement
Initiation is not something you earn; it is something you survive.
It is recognized only after the fact, when a sequence of ordeals reveals a coherent pattern.
The ordeal is not romantic.
The ordeal exhausts, confuses, isolates, and tests endurance rather than strength.
II. The Ordeal Attacks the Ego, Not the Body
What is lost is not sanity but the ego mind—the structure that binds identity to social consensus.
To outside observers, this loss appears as madness.
From within, it appears as loosened chains.
Both interpretations are partially correct.
III. The Monsters Are Internalized
The adversaries of initiation do not appear as dragons or demons.
They appear as:
- temptation
- distraction
- dependency
- exhaustion
- self-doubt
- convenient reasons to quit
The hero is not fighting the world.
The hero is fighting their own mind’s desire to stop.
IV. Failure Is Part of the Test
Success is not achieved by never failing.
Success is achieved by knowing when to fail.
Those who refuse to fail—perfectionists and overachievers—often fail the hardest.
Sometimes retreat, delay, or doing nothing is the correct move.
V. The Fork in the Road Is Real
At some point, the initiate faces a decision:
- abandon ordinary life and disappear into a spiritual subculture
- or reject the calling and remain fully within society
A third path exists but is unstable:
keeping one foot in society while walking the initiatory path
This path invites suspicion and eventual ostracism.
VI. Survival Requires Non-Reactivity
The initiate survives not by confrontation but by restraint:
- avoiding escalation
- avoiding explanation
- avoiding performance
Silence, solitude, and ordinary routine become protective structures.
VII. The Change Is Irreversible but Invisible
After initiation, the individual is:
- the same person
- and not the same person
The internal pattern has changed, but the external appearance has not.
Others sense the difference instinctively and attempt to correct or expel it.
VIII. Solitude Is Not Loneliness
Isolation is not the absence of connection.
It is the absence of distortion.
When the initiate is no longer mirrored accurately by society, they become their own reference point.
IX. The Final Trap Is Grandiosity
The most dangerous story is not persecution or madness.
It is the story of the conquering hero.
Believing you have “won” the journey ends the journey—and collapses the integration.
The only true defeat comes from believing you have finished.
X. The Journey Completes Only by Continuing
Initiation does not end in transcendence.
It ends in return.
Chop wood.
Carry water.
Live quietly.
The work is complete only insofar as it never truly ends.
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