paths of meaning

I’m exhibit ‘A’ in regards to the dangers of psychedelic drug use. Everything in this blog space I have written from 2013 and on is tinged with the results of taking these drugs. You should sit down and read it all; some crazy stuff! Time to put a lid back on these substances for sure! I’m just fooling with ya. If you are interested in opening your mind, expanding consciousness, delving deep into your fundamental makeup, learning that love is all that matters, or engaging in an affair with nature, then possibly these agents of consciousness might be for you.

From a personal standpoint, I declare the plant medicine path the greatest life course available to a human being looking to get at the root of what this all means. Your results may differ and you may find a more serene path towards what it is you spiritually seek. I was so ensconced in my logic and reason that I needed the heavy dose in order to ‘see.' We all come at it from different backgrounds and experiences, ensuring that a similar outcome for all cannot be baked into the cards however I do know that you will gain much knowledge of self and the world at large. What you subsequently do with that knowledge and the path you pursue is your choice.

 

Taking substances that alter your consciousness is not looked upon favourably by society. Agents of consciousness are repressed and banned out of fear. The fear is that it will alter the way we perceive reality and change the way we think about how a society should operate. It’s true; they will do exactly that by freeing you from the hold culture has upon your thinking and actions, especially the power and control games. Society and its culture need you to play their game or it doesn’t work. Every society exists by sending out a narrow vibe that we all lock to in order to be like-minded and share values and customs. This in turn allows us to create extended tribes that become nations. We are subsequently duty bound to our group. Being like-minded breaks down your natural pull towards independence and you become easier to herd and control. Culture has established the canon of available and acceptable mind spaces we have the ability to traverse and has validated the fully awake, focused, alert, and problem-solving state as the ideal. Dreaming is dismissed as frivolous, the psychedelic experience is considered deviant, the day dreamer is scorned, and silent contemplation, reflection, and thought are looked upon with suspicion. Trivialities of pop-culture are presented to us in order to prevent any further inquiry. Culture is a non-stop attempt at distraction that largely succeeds. Acting outside the norms leads to being sent to a psychiatrist to figure out why you aren’t fitting in. In extreme cases, you get locked up in prison or a mental institution. The majority, who play within the bounds of the accepted frequency, are shielded from the crazies who are trying to tell them something. In order for society to have staying power, it must control access to any agent of introspection and change.

 

One way to suppress these substances is to demonize and assign psychedelics to the forces of darkness. I have heard the talk about the chemicals and how some view them as demonic, some say they will make you go crazy, some say they foster escapism from the realities of life, some say it gives you a false sense of enlightenment, and so on. I’ll agree and say there is validity to all those concerns. Crazy by whose standards? Isn’t it crazy to live out your life following the same dull and lifeless routine over and over again? Isn’t existence more than that modality? I’ll admit I’m very interested in the demonic aspect of them. The second time I altered my consciousness, I had the proverbial bad trip. It scared me beyond my foundations and it was dark. I met a demon hidden deep within my being. I totally concur these substances can lead to the demonic; in other words, they can help you confront your demons. What you do with that opportunity is your business. Most will run, hide, and deny it. That is also the intention of the darkness within because it is one of the first tests to reveal your intentions and subsequent fortitude. At some point, anyone who takes a psychedelic is going to scare the shit out of themselves. It’s a given. The choice usually becomes do I give up the agents of consciousness or continue on and embrace strategies that lead to the high of love and light? With the high comes the low. When you alter your consciousness, especially as a beginner, you roll the dice on where you are headed. With experience, you can mitigate the lows and develop strategies that allow you to move past the darkness within. Eventually, you regress the experience to the mean; in other words, the crazy days of exploration are over. Due to the implementation of strategies used to control the experience, the exploration of consciousness will be severely curtailed. Chasing the temporary high will work and you can further bury the darkness and the opportunity you had for confrontation and learning. I’ll admit to a little bit of that behaviour though I was always cognizant of and harangued by this demon and the darkness. It became obvious that surrender was the option to take if the course was to continue.

 

I exhausted the path towards love and light. I know the answer is love. The teacher of inclusion explained it very well and it is my duty to project that out into my life. You can’t live within ceremony for the rest of your life. Eventually comes graduation and you are sent out into the world. But school was so much fun! If you want to continue on this life journey then the master’s degree involves self-mastery. Self-mastery is the domain of the darkness and the hold your desire demons have on you. Your deepest, darkest adversary is your greatest teacher. Make of this what you will but I’m telling you straight out, no punches held back, and giving you the truth. I didn’t initially write or talk much about this part of my experience because I wasn’t comfortable with it. I wasn’t sure if it was just me? Eventually, I accepted the darkness instead of trying to vanquish it. Thus, began a transformation of my relationship with the demon within.

 

When I learned that love is the answer, I knew I didn’t have to keep searching anymore. There was no doubt about it and I knew that knowledge was just a sideshow at this point and the only thing that mattered was love. Knowing this, I decided I wanted to continue on in my journey aboard this ship of fools that has no destination and as far as I can tell it never ends. Acquiring knowledge gets me out of bed in the morning. I know the sequence: Acquire objective knowledge, synthesize the information, and get understanding. Like a flower, subjective intuitive wisdom blossoms. So, I have kept at it and have gone farther along on this path. The plant medicines schooled me and let me know I have to completely surrender if I’m going to get anything out of the experience. It was clear I could navigate the experience however steering my ship away from the abyss meant I’d never find out what’s in the abyss. If you keep searching, eventually the dark caverns of self beckon and you have to make a choice: Do I explore or sail on past, missing out on something available to me? As this realization has come to me, I look back now on a few recent Ayahuasca ceremonies with a little regret because nothing really happened. One of them, the energy load was the strongest I’ve ever felt but there were limited visions. Ayahuasca delivered a potent message. Eventually, I always get the message. Do you want to let go and dive deep or just be content with always being in control? It was clear that if I did not let go then the ship will stay in port.

 

The last Ayahuasca vision of February 2020 was the Goddess in a cage. The cage opened and I flew up to greet her. Over half a year later I know exactly what she was showing me. Let her be free and she will take me to what it is I seek. She has shown me visions of her being held prisoner in a castle made of gold and shut up in a bird cage. From these situations, she has implored me to take up my sword and defeat her husband who imprisons her. After much soul searching, I came to realize I am that man; the hero and the villain. She armed me with the tools and inner fortitude needed to defeat the monster of my own making. For maximum efficacy, she needs to be free. I wasn’t ready until now for the next step with Ayahuasca. It involves a complete surrender and letting go. Past scars were still holding me back. I had walked up to the precipice of the deep and dark cavern and I peered in. I saw the darkness but didn’t want to jump. I know I’m going back and I’m going to jump.

 

Within the depths of self, I found the monster of my own making. He was me and I manifested him in altered states as a demon. After taking up my sword and battling him to a draw, I finally realized I had created the whole situation. I buried him and in turn he locked up the Goddess. I realized my inner life had played out just like the exterior life we lead. I rebelled from my parents, moved out of home, and went my own way. I broke free of my father’s grasp and my mother’s smothering. I demonized his controlling nature and caged the spirit of my mother. The bravery, courage, and wisdom of masculine archetypes I eschewed while the unconditional love of the mother I rejected. She was always waiting for me to return and my eternal father was waiting to teach his son to become a warrior at any cost. To gain my freedom, I imprisoned those who gave me life. It’s time to rectify the whole situation. It really does all start with liberation.

 

I understand this is all hard to accept or even believe. Personally, I avoided for seven years the reconciliation of this knowledge I had unearthed in my depths. If I want to free myself on this path, I have to go into the meaning of all I have been given access to and to not deny anymore the darkness, what it has revealed to me, and what it teaches me.