warrior

Why do the lessons of Ayahuasca begin in full on classes months before I go drink again? I understand the integration period and the importance of continuing with the lessons received from the previous round of work. I understood where I was on the path of becoming a fully realized human being and knew I was avoiding a full on trip into the darkness of self. I had become brave enough to take brief forays into it and peek below, somewhat satisfying my curiosity, however I’d never fully gone back as I’d leave a lifeline that would get me out of the labyrinth and I was still guarded a bit. The time has come to revisit the horrors of my original forays into the world of plant medicines now equipped with knowledge and understanding. I set my intention for my next journey hopefully in 2021 to explore further the nether regions of self. As always happens, the preparation for in-person class comes fast and furious.

Jaguar training school is run by the darkness that lies within to train the human to release the jaguar out into the world. The darkness is not malicious; I know that now. It is relentless and can be perceived as malicious but understand it is tough love, so tough it can be deadly to enter into its advanced teachings. The teaching methods of the darkness are unique, somewhat cruel, and the training wheels are off in that it can kill. To forge steel is a heavy process and there will be casualties along the way. This isn’t for everyone; in fact I’d reserve it only for a select few. You will be exposed to everything that makes you tick and it will be intensified. You will be in a fight for your life as you confront everything. You will curse the darkness and try to bury it within again. Nothing is off the table in terms of outcomes. If you want to run - run. If you want to become an alcoholic to numb the pain and escape - drink. If you want to castrate yourself to escape desire - cut. If you want to run towards comfort - eat to obesity and numb the mind on culture and social media. There are no requirements to continue on the path and many ways off. I don’t know about you but I was never comfortable with failure. I was extremely uncomfortable however with the darkness that lies within.

Over a year before I drank Ayahuasca for the first time I wrote a poem about the darkness I perceived bent on destroying me.

I wanted to get rid of it and was at the point in my life where the crossroads of existence became centre stage. I was primed to start climbing the mountain towards enlightenment in order to receive my holy robes and be declared a winner of the game of life. I started searching for the meaning of life and wanted to transcend the human. It’s an exercise in frustration and I constantly was interrupted by the darkness within, always at my side, laughing at me and my fellow humans for their folly. I found plant medicines and went off in search of transcendence that way as a shortcut to my beatitude. My second time drinking Ayahuasca I was punched in the gut. The resulting beat down and paranoia chased me back home to live out life a cowering mess. I had a choice in whether I wanted to accept defeat or get up off the mat and fight. In reality, I had no choice if I wanted to live life fully. If I didn’t want to fight back I’d have to find a way to numb consciousness. Eventually, step by step, with the help of the feminine divine I battled back. I got pretty good at it and was able to right the ship and continue the journey. The darkness was still lying in wait; however it was abated while I figured out my plan of action.

I went back to the jungle to confront the darkness. I was scared and sat in the first ceremony prior to drinking wondering why I was back and going through this? I wanted to run again. Little did I know this mountain of a man was sitting beside me to my right, smoking away on mapacho, who would help me on this path with his encouragement and positivity. It was help that was huge and beyond anything I could ever payback. I was immediately confronted by the demon. I stood my ground that night and earned respect. In a way, the darkness accepted me as his student that night though I wasn’t aware I had enrolled.

I have subsequently been challenged with being strong, brave, courageous, and standing up for myself in both ceremony and in life. I have definitely not received straight As. I mean who really could? This is serious and difficult life lessons. My third visit to the jungle and successfully navigating the treacherous waters resulted in my transformation into a jaguar. Ultimately, the darkness is teaching you to become a warrior and invite you into the order of the jaguar. I got my spots for my courage. I faced the darkness and then was charged by a jaguar. I stood toe to toe with that jaguar and he became me. What a rush. It’s something I’ll cherish forever and a graduation planned out to perfection. That’s why don Howard coined the sanctuary SpiritQuest.

School was by no means finished. Higher education beckoned. I demonstrated I had the fortitude to be successful though I still had a lot of work to do. The darkness flooded me with all the desires and behaviours that were holding me back; so much so it was overwhelming at times. I cursed the darkness, wondering when it would ever stop? I wanted to be a shining example for everyone. I knew love was the ultimate answer. I could project that but lying within was still my humanness. How do I get past that? It’s lying within and making me a liar.

To become a warrior is hard work. Strength of steel comes from being battle-tested in life’s foundry and facing one’s own demise. Gladiators aren’t anointed and coddled or issued certificates acknowledging their bravery. It’s strange that I didn’t realize this seven years ago. I defined the darkness as being an adversary instead of being a teacher. The greatest teacher I have ever known. Without the darkness I could not lay claim to the following:

Courage

Bravery

Strength, not being weak

Standing up for myself

Confidence

Fortitude

Resolve

Rising to the Challenge

These attributes are the domain of the darkness that lies within with an assist from the heart. This is what the teacher wants to teach you. It is a difficult path and he will stalk and kill you if you do not transform. He will dig down deep into your soul and pull all that shit up and make you confront it. He will imbue it with power and have it relentlessly stalk you. I slowly passed each test and was left with one more to go. I remember the night it happened last month. I finally broke free of the spell of culture and tasted complete freedom. I knew it immediately. This battle was over. I am a warrior. I now wait to return to the jungle to see what’s next. As don Howard would say, “There’s always more."

Onward ho! The journey continues towards becoming an adept of the darkness.