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Desires we all have and left unchecked they will motivate and control your actions. Eventually, you will become a puppet and slave to desire; it's built into the system, system being culture. For the player of the game of life, they are a challenge beyond compare and for those with the foresight to see it, a teaching tool. Master your desires, lest they master you. They will amp up the game to what you desire and always require more. If you wish to increase the stakes and face your destruction, then it’s game on! Ultimately, the best way to learn is to face adversity and the optimal way to grow is to head into the darkness of self. Living at the top of the mountain, bathed in light, is a great experience for sure but in the end it will make you soft. Renunciation and asceticism are a cop-out. I know, I tried it and found out those desires you tried to run from were always waiting for when you fell. It’s no fun knowing deep down you are a hypocrite. There was no transcendence of my own bad self; instead I just put off the inevitable reckoning. What a difficult struggle and psychological predicament. I couldn’t shake the demons though I wanted desperately to rid myself of this curse. What to do? The frustration was beyond anything I had ever faced.

The darkness always gets its turn; the desires of life always return. They follow the timeless pulsation of life, so be ready for it, study it, and when the time comes you become the master instead of the puppet. Facing your desires is the greatest teaching tool because you realize it’s life and death. Seriously, think about it. Examine your desires and the pull they have on you and how if you fall prey to them they will drag you down into the dumpster and kill you or alternatively to realize desires of power and wealth you will have to step on others and stomp them out to reach that goal. I won’t give you an example here but just let you sit with this idea. Think of your greatest desires and play them out to where they are leading you and what it will entail. The greatest teacher has to raise the stakes. You can deny this is the case for only so long until the day comes when the last step is before you. Will you snap out of the hypnosis or double down?

Chasing desires are a form of hypnosis in that when you break free of them and become the master you look back and realize your behaviour was being influenced by a pull that was not exactly rational, not to say that actions always have to be rational. Culture leads you towards desire fulfillment but also makes you suppress natural desires. You essentially become a puppet of culture and some play the fame and fortune game it pulls us towards. Our gastronomic fantasies are waiting to be fulfilled and will entrap those with a predilection towards mouth pleasure. Alcohol is available to bewitch those easily addicted to escapism. The seedy side and outcasts of society exists to feed the suppressed sexual and pharmacological desires.

In relation to desires, I was meditating upon purpose again. Fundamentally, there is no purpose or meaning to existence. It just is. There is nothing you need to do; nor do you need to save yourself. You are eternal and will continue on in the journey. Don’t worry about annihilation. However something still nags at me. You see, I have incarnated and I am faced by these challenges. I need to overcome these desires or perish. It’s a peculiar situation related to where life on earth currently stands. As a species, we have solved a lot of the food and shelter problems as long as you participate in culture therefore there is ample time to ponder purpose and chase desire. I still look within and wonder: I could be better; I could level up and master my humanity. A good parallel is my employment. I have mastered it. I know it and nobody has to tell me I have. There is no doubt. Imagine transferring that mastery to life? I know the scope is much larger but it is a lifelong project and really what else do I have to do? Why not?

I have taken note that we all have wants, needs, and desires, no exceptions, and I know personally I have been a slave to my desires. A lot of times, it’s all or nothing. I could drink a cup of coffee in no time flat. A bottle of beer used to disappear fast. Buy a big chocolate bar or a big bag of chips and within no time I’d eat the whole thing. I could discipline myself to make these occasions treats, however once involved there would be a head first dive into the situation. I always held back a bit from the temptation of going full on into hedonism. Was it shame, health concerns, or my own way of keeping things fresh and balanced while holding back something to look forward too?

Another thing I’ve noticed is the need for always more. One bottle of beer isn’t enough. I stopped drinking over seven years ago because I realized where that was headed and if I ever wanted to accomplish anything in my life I’d have to give up the stultifying effects of alcohol. It wasn’t hard to do and I had no desire to go back to that lifestyle. With other desires and habits, I see the same demand of more to feed the demon or fetishize the pleasure. We humans are so easily hypnotized into behaviours. We are weak.

My spiritual journey of over a decade has been pretty rewarding. Facing fear head on was huge and coming out victorious is pretty special, especially when I was faced with being a coward and being stomped out. I’m a jaguar, a warrior, I have courage, and I’m not weak. I know it deep down in my soul. I have strength and will take on all. I feel like I’ve been through the fires of incarnation in a process to forge steel. If anything, that has been the purpose of my life. Transcending limiting behaviours and growing into the ultimate jaguar warrior has been a goal. Albeit an unconscious goal at first that takes a lifetime but here I am post middle age knowing I’m on that path. 

The most challenging teacher as the catalyst for this transformation has been the darkness that lies within. The Hindus in their chakra system of Rāja yoga, call it the base Muladhara chakra and it's where you will find the great Sri Ganesha.

The power from this base chakra is what animates our existence and is in the bowels of our being, with a connection to excretions. When I went to Peru early this year and drank Ayahuasca, the first ceremony took me deep into my darkness. The vision was one of a toilet and the depths of this hell. What a direct metaphor! I’m constantly amazed at the visions and their meanings which gives me months, and years, of a challenge to unravel the symbolism, teachings, and relationship to my journey. The teacher has put me to the test and challenged me to go deeper into my addictions, taunted me, threatened me with death, and hounded me with my desires. As long as the ganas, Hindu desire demons, controlled me the spiritual beatings would continue. It took me a long time to get the upper hand on all of it. It was a relentless battle, full of constant failure but when I finally won I pretty much knew it immediately. It’s that intuitive knowledge of mastery I related earlier about work. 

Another name for the great Ganesha is Ganapati, which basically means lord of desire. Ganesha is the master. He appears with his fat and satiated belly and a bowl of sweets, reminding you of desires and our western seven deadly sins. He is the master of the ganas and they are desires placed in your path to teach you. The renunciate, sitting atop the mountain in his asceticism, has fled from them thinking he can run out the clock on desire. This school of life involves mastery and it’s a serious game. You must master your desires it you want to become the ultimate warrior.

I have had a massive realization concerning the darkness I have dealt with all my life and the darkness I have faced when I have altered my consciousness. At first, I feared this realm and the entity that inhabited it. I ran from it. I returned and I faced up to it. I was threatened, challenged, avoided it, watched it come back, and realized I could never transcend it. Most importantly, I kept at it. Once I had the courage, I became curious and inquisitive. I have been relentless, though a little guarded. Anyways, I am at the point where I finally realized something amazing. It’s a huge test of strength and courage. Fear will constantly challenge you and get you if you are weak. It will run you into the ground and turn you into a cowering mess and even try to kill you. It’s definitely not something for the timid. I get it now. On this path, most come to a fork in the road: Stop and take the path back to safety and give up the seeking or head right to the light, climb the spiritual mountain, and become holy and righteous, though somewhat intolerable. Nobody sees the hidden path on the left or they pay no mind to it. It’s dark, uninspired, unpaved, and full of obstacles. Keep going where the path heads into the dark and carve out the path no one dares to tread, or if they do they get lost or seduced by power. I’ve been there, survived, and I know the darkness within respects me because I have courage, resolve, and I see it for what it is. It’s the ultimate challenge and it’s where you will find the greatest source of available inner fortitude and strength. It’s unassailable. I stand at the ready to claim my inheritance. The last hurdle in my way, bent on destroying me, I have defeated. I’m ready now.

If there can be ascertained a purpose to life then this has to be it; well in the case of my coming forth in this incarnation as a member of the masculine polarity. I finally mastered my desires before they decimated me. It was a helluva battle. I feel so strong right now. I can’t rest on my laurels or accomplishments. I’m heading into that darkness and exploring. You see no one has ever done this. Those who touch and engage in a dalliance with the darkness are the insane and depraved. I’ve declined the offers of power and defeated the onslaught of the army of my own making. I’m unencumbered, free, and taking notes.

Suicide, insanity, depravity, and paranoia. Going into the darkness of one’s self is pretty much up there with having a cage match with a shark in an underwater arena. And you have no scuba gear. You are going to get knocked around, bloody and beaten. Sometimes we foolishly venture into the ring and other times life beats us down into the depths of despair from which we can’t escape. The all-encasing suffocating despair is deadly. What I’m trying to say is the darkness either kills or psychologically alters you forever. I fall into the fool category and I saw it and I ran. It profoundly affected me psychologically to the point where I had to fight back and then muster the courage to face it once again. Something though happened along the path and I discarded the fear. I was still gun shy though about the whole return. Eventually after levelling up to embrace the jaguar and become a warrior, I traced this stunning evolution of self back to the darkness. I understood it was the master teacher. This readies the student to now go further.

Our western concept of a demon involves thinking it is evil. It represents those behaviours and desires that haunt you. The devil made me do it. Desire led me to this behaviour. It’s an antagonist and adversary bent upon your destruction. Look at it another way and find the truth. These evil spirits are your greatest teachers. So great they will kill you if you ultimately fail the course. Best to drop out than continue on this path.

Go into the darkness, embrace the riddle, as here the mystery lies. You can't bypass the darkness. Running from fear, owns you.

In the battle with the adversary within, at one point he offers the shortcut to power. Most will take it; it’s the easy way. Power acquired this way has consequence. Giving into desires and accepting unearned power reveals instantly you aren’t worthy. It’s a device used by the master teacher to discover your true intentions. Power will only not corrupt when wielded by someone who has attained self-mastery and will not give in to the temptation to use the power to fulfill desire.

It’s warrior training school to transform you from being weak into a forged block of strong steel. The darkness within can become your ultimate ally and source of unmatched inner strength and fortitude. The only catch is it doesn’t suffer weaklings. You will be put to the test and want to run and hide. He will keep coming for you, especially once challenged. It’s the fight of your life. You can back down and go cower in the corner and hope he doesn’t come for you and end it. If you can muster the courage and stand up for yourself, take the punches, and fight back you’ll earn respect. It’s not over. Forging steel is tough work. The jaguar comes to check out its prey and see if you are willing to fight. You’ll still think of ways to transcend the darkness, give it up, and become pure and holy. Fair enough but that was your chance. Hardly anyone makes it this far as something sidetracks or gets you. If you keep going eventually you’ll realize it. You can never transcend the darkness but you can harmonize it with the light. Only then do you get let in on the secret. A vast reservoir of strength and power lies in the darkness.

The fight of my life is over; I’m through to the other side. My weaknesses I have moved passed. I can navigate my inner word now with impunity and am free to explore this gift.

I’m not sure I can teach this to others. It’s hard to recommend, embrace, or explore something that can kill you. That’s better left to individual choice. Counsel can be offered and hints provided of what lies within however everyone has to make their own choice whether they want to pursue it. The pitfalls are too serious to take responsibility for someone’s choice. And I think the only way through is by yourself. I’ll can lend you a flashlight.