self analysis

In terms of behaviours I have a question. I want to be left alone a lot. It's a tiring effort to be in others' company. I have caught my ego mind fantasizing about being left alone as well. In contrast, I like being around animals. I connect with the heart while alone in nature or sitting on the deck smoking mapacho and these moments are my favourite times. In trying to understand this behaviour I realize a few things: first of all, in terms of ego it is a struggle to connect with others in terms of personalities. Many traits in others I find turn me off and make me want to avoid them because they are either tiring to deal with, drain my own energy, or I don't want to listen to another ego babble on about themselves and the edifice they have created. I'm also guilty of similar behaviour and the creating and careful crafting of a personality. I have sculpted mine, so it's shrouded in a little bit of mystery, the “what's he up to?” I tend to keep to myself because I know I don't want to hear about others' drama, so I recognize that few want to hear my story or of this me I have built. And what a marvelous edifice it is! I've figured it all out and will lay claim to that distinction. That's a big ego boost! I know I haven't figured it all out and I remain enthralled by discovery but part of me, the ego, wants to lay claim to this, advertise it, and participate in an act of self-aggrandizement. It's another big reason to strip away the sense of self and be left with just the feminine and masculine polarities and a blank slate. By losing the sense of self I can avoid falling into the ego trap. There's nothing real to attach to the label of spiritual.

Back to the behaviour of wanting to be alone. A great deal of this when I was growing up was because my mind was utterly fascinating. It was smart, inventive, and good company. I recognize a lot of that was part of a developing ego mind as I would over-analyze and judge everything but also, I had a healthy intellectual mind and enjoyed exercising that part of me on my terms. Meditation always seemed strange to me because I thought why would I want to turn off my mind; it's my everything! I built up a sense of trust with my mind and I didn't realize its inherent duality. At some point the mind, whom you now trust, leads you into behaviours which benefit it and allows this splinter of self to control and subvert who you are. A little bit at a time, it's very crafty, and then it demands increasingly more. At this point you don't know why you are behaving this way and since you have always trusted the mind it can't be the mind. Until one day you explore this aspect, and it is unmasked. It really will stop at nothing to enslave you to its desires. Always remain vigilant. So, was this behaviour and desire to be alone which continues to this day a product of the ego mind?

2023 edit: My original thoughts said yes. I blamed the ego mind for all my problems until I discovered this psychic part of who I am was a weak puppet subject to the control of something which presented as the greater force. It was not until I outed the other and saw how culture and society turns you into a sheep that I was able to figure out the puzzle. My exploration of self denigrated the ego and placed blame at his doorstep. This was necessary to confirm how the Goddess informed me of the many layers of deception we fall for in trying to unravel the mystery of self. What I thought was the ego influencing my behaviour was the superego, which is an amalgamation of external pressures that I sublimated into a psychic entity which had control over my behaviour. This became a great scapegoat as I had a place to lay blame for why I was not perfect. The answer is understanding the dualistic self and the drive to fulfill desires. You cede control to the part of you who will fulfill those wants and they craft the subterfuge so you can get away with it.

I think the ego capitalized on it. I never would have discovered my heart without going through all this. Being attracted to this behaviour was steering me towards a lifetime of quiet contemplation which would lead me to the heart. It does seem risky though because of the aggrandizement of ego by constantly living in the head space unawares of the danger but at least it was tempered by not needing to be a big ego; instead, it was a smug and superior ego. Little did I know the ego was being played. The superego was trying to destroy me because I would not use my power to dominate others and I get the sense to lay claim to that victory would be something of a fantastic accomplishment for it. It came close I must say, and I stopped it at a critical juncture. When I finally caught wind of the game, it was very difficult to extricate myself from its dominance and it played havoc on my mind. Even still in psychedelic journeys it would offer me untold power, a chance to be part of the conquering of the universe, and anything I wanted along with frothing threats to kill me if I did not give into it. My heart as the Goddess, warned me during one inner voyage that this power would stop at nothing and would create fantastic deceptions to learn the secrets of the divine mind. It was not until I learned to quiet the mind completely that I was able to bypass its grasp and dig down deep into my soul. I'm in a good place now.

True self analysis leads to the discovery of no self. I can strip myself right down of everything I think is me and be left with a meat shell which is sustained by instinctual needs to prolong physical survival. All the rest of this edifice I call me are behaviours I have chosen to attach to this mental and physical construct. When your instincts badger you to be fulfilled - hunger, sleep, sex drive, survival - your intellectual mind is reduced or switched off in order to get out of the way. It is a mechanism used to ensure survival of the corporeal body and looking at the big picture, the species in general. This presents an opportunity for external control of the ego mind to dominate the mind set while the instincts are front and centre. The much-used axiom about men thinking with their genitals as opposed to their head is very appropriate. Instead of approaching the sex drive from an instinctual basis, it becomes hijacked by control of the ego mind and is led down strange paths of fetishism, almost looking for the next and greatest “high” which can be achieved. Since the ego mind has carved out a piece of the brilliant mind for itself, it uses this to its advantage and concocts all kind of schemes in the pursuit of a perverse hedonistic pleasure. There is nothing inherently wrong with seeking pleasure but there seems again that the controller of the ego mind is using it to achieve ends which are nefarious. The superego seems to take great delight into leading the human into perdition and it is very patient at doing this if need be. When it is allowed to be dominant this results in behaviours where people seek power without care for others, they become controlling, there's no compassion, along the same line the food intake can reach unhealthy levels, the sex drive is perverted, resulting in all kinds of deviant behaviours and in some these behaviours are taken to the extreme - sadistic serial killers, sex crimes, grand obesity, eating disorders. These are all outcomes of a weakened ego mind which is then parasitic. Looking at the use of alcohol it removes inhibitions - it loosens you up. The grip of the mind is eased at first and the intoxication relaxes you. Upon further use, the controller takes over and latent behaviours inherent to desire fulfillment come forth such as anger and pleasure seeking outside normal boundaries, plus language filters are removed concerning topics not normally discussed. To some this is the true personality manifesting however I disagree. They are products of the ego mind that are allowed to come forth due to the use of these intoxicants. It is important to see what is being done to you to control you and steal your light. If this capture is not successful, society takes a perverse pleasure in destroying you. The capture of the ego mind is a killer. If the parasitic force cannot get its way, and this is the path of power, it will start killing if necessary and will not stop at killing the host if necessary. From this it is possible to conclude the superego is a parasitic entity on the lookout for a host and can survive the material death of the host, much like consciousness survives physical death as well. This is purely speculative, but the evidence points in this direction and is worth pursuing intellectually.