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Thursday, January 5, 2017

self analysis

In terms of behaviours I have a question. I want to be left alone a lot. It's a tiring effort to be in others' company. I have caught my ego mind fantasizing about being left alone as well. In contrast, I like being around animals. I connect with the heart while alone in nature or sitting on the deck smoking mapacho and these moments are my favourite times. In trying to understand this behaviour I realize a few things: first of all in terms of ego I find it is a struggle to connect with others in terms of personalities. Many traits in others I find turn me off and make me want to avoid them because they are either tiring to deal with, drain my own energy, or I don't want to listen to another ego babble on about themselves and the edifice they have created. I'm also guilty of similar behaviour and the creating and careful crafting of a personality. I have sculpted mine so it's shrouded in a little bit of mystery, the “what's he up to?” game and I tend to keep to myself because I know I don't want to hear about others' drama so I recognize that in reality not many want to hear my story or of this me I have built. And what a marvellous edifice it is! I've figured it all out and will lay claim to that distinction. That's a pretty big ego boost! Okay I know I haven't figured it all out and I remain enthralled by discovery but part of me, the ego, wants to lay claim to this, advertise it, and participate in an act of self aggrandizement. It's another big reason to strip away the sense of self and be left with just the feminine and masculine polarities and a blank slate. By losing the sense of self I can avoid falling into the ego trap. There's nothing real then to attach the label of spiritual to. But back to the behaviour of wanting to be alone. A great deal of this when I was growing up was because my mind was utterly fascinating. It was smart, inventive, and good company. I recognize a lot of that was part of a developing ego mind as I would over analyze and judge everything but also I had a healthy intellectual mind and enjoyed exercising that part of me as well, on my terms. Meditation always seemed strange to me because I thought why would I want to turn off my mind; it's my everything! I built up a sense of trust with my mind and I didn't realize its inherent duality. At some point the ego mind, whom you now trust, leads you into behaviours that benefit it and allows it to control and subvert your mind. A little bit at a time, it's very crafty, and then it demands more and more. At this point you don't know why you are behaving this way and since you have always trusted the mind it can't possibly be the mind. Until one day you explore this aspect and it is unmasked. It really will stop at nothing to enslave you to its desires. Always remain vigilant. So was this behaviour and desire to be alone that continues to this day a product of the ego mind? I think it capitalized on it. I never would have discovered my heart without going through all this. So being attracted to this behaviour was steering me towards a lifetime of quiet contemplation that would lead me to the heart. It does seem risky though because of the aggrandizement of ego by constantly living in the head space unawares of the danger but at least it was tempered by not needing to be a big ego, instead it was a smug and superior ego. Little did I know the ego was playing a game as well. It was trying to destroy me because I would not use my power to dominate others and I get the sense to lay claim to that victory would be something of a fantastic accomplishment for it. It came pretty close I must say and it is almost like I stopped it at a critical juncture. And when I finally caught wind of it, it was very difficult to extricate myself from its dominance and it played havoc on my mind. Even still in psychedelic journeys it would offer me untold power, a chance to be part of the conquering of the universe, and anything I wanted along with frothing threats to kill me if I did not give into it. My heart as the Goddess, warned me during one inner voyage that this power would stop at nothing and would create fantastic deceptions to learn the secrets of the divine mind. It was not until I learned to quiet the mind completely that I was able to bypass its grasp and dig down deep into my soul. I'm in a good place now.

True self analysis leads to the discovery of no self. I can strip myself right down of everything I think is me and be left with a meat shell that is sustained by instinctual needs to prolong physical survival. All the rest of this edifice I call me are behaviours I have chosen to attach to this mental and physical construct. When your instincts badger you to be fulfilled - hunger, sleep, sex drive, survival - your intellectual mind is reduced or switched off in order to get out of the way. It is a mechanism used to ensure survival of the corporeal body and looking at the big picture the species in general. This presents an opportunity for the ego mind to dominate the mind set while the instincts are front and centre. The much used axiom about men thinking with their genitals as opposed to their head is very appropriate. Instead of approaching the sex drive from an instinctual basis it becomes hijacked by the ego mind and is led down strange paths of fetishism, almost looking for the next and greatest 'high' that can be achieved. Since the ego mind has carved out a piece of the brilliant mind for itself it uses this to its advantage and concocts all kind of schemes in the pursuit of a perverse hedonistic pleasure. There is nothing inherently wrong with seeking pleasure but there seems again that the ego mind is using it to achieve ends which are nefarious. The ego mind seems to take great delight into leading the human into perdition and it is very patient at doing this if need be. When the ego is allowed to be dominant it results in behaviours where people seek power without care for others, they become controlling, there's no compassion, along the same line the food intake can reach unhealthy levels, the sex drive is perverted, resulting in all kinds of deviant behaviours and in some these behaviours are taken to the extreme - sadistic serial killers, sex crimes, grand obesity, eating disorders. These are all outcomes of the ego mind which is essentially parasitic. Looking at the use of alcohol it removes inhibitions - it loosens you up. The grip of the mind is eased at first and the intoxication relaxes you. Upon further use the ego mind takes over and latent behaviours inherent to the ego take over such as anger and pleasure seeking outside normal boundaries, plus language filters are removed concerning topics not normally discussed. To some this is the true personality manifesting however I disagree. They are products of the ego mind that are allowed to come forth due to the use of these intoxicants. It is important to see what the ego is trying to do to you, to control you, and steal your light. If it is not successful it takes a perverse pleasure in destroying you. The ego mind is a killer; if it cannot get its way, and this is the path of power, it will start killing if need be and will not stop at killing the host if necessary. From this it is possible to conclude the ego is a parasitic entity on the look out for a host and can survive the material death of the host, much like consciousness survives physical death as well. This is purely speculative but the evidence points in this direction and is worth intellectually pursuing.