amnesia

Amnesia is like suffering in that it is a catalyst for change. If you knew of your past lives and how you continually re-appear, then your outlook would change. The clock that is ticking away on your mortality would become less urgent. As it is, I have a limited lifespan which I must use to find answers I seek or desires I want to fulfill. Not knowing is the impetus for playing the game and solving the riddle of my existence.

What would I do if I knew? I'd be content and less motivated. I'd look at others with a sense of pity as I saw them running around in a state of anxiety, denying the face of death that stares them down. The hit of the anxiety of my mortality is a shot of adrenaline and makes me a seeker of answers. The pendulum of life is swinging towards the end, so I know I must keep going before the sands of time runs out. I've made it this far and have discovered way more than I thought possible. Now that I have all this experiential knowledge and understanding, I'm not content. I want to keep going.

In examining my own life, its peculiarities, and what gets me up in the morning, I have noticed the rush. Some people crave a physical rush through mountain climbing, sports, exerting themselves, and subjecting themselves to feats of endurance such as ice baths. I get it and understand the endorphins which are released when the mountain is climbed. I like to put myself in situations where there is a chance of things going side-ways and flirting with disaster. The thrill is intoxicating in the moment until the spell is broken and then I wonder why I do it? Ha! Why feed the beast?

Well, you can live a life of denial and wonder about Mr. Hyde all your life because damn it, I'm Dr. Jekyll. I wonder how much psychological damage we inflict on ourselves due to not integrating the good and the bad; the dark and the light? We all do it and social media amplifies the gambit as we polish up our personas. There are websites that allow you to conceal your identity and embrace your other side. Those give you an outlet for your depravity and desires. Embrace it - that's who you are. You spend so much time feeding a false sense of self that integration becomes impossible because you are repulsed by what you see in the mirror. It's a tough challenge, especially if you are on the love and light train.

Waking up to the acceptance of who you are is tough. I'm a good person, but like everyone else I'm conflicted. I wear a robe of light while sometimes I like to head to the basement and let loose. It's a slow process towards acceptance of who you are. I worry the embracing of my true nature will prevent me from some reward when the game ends. It's like I think I can hide from the universal overlords who I really am; like they won't already know. That's preposterous. Who are we fooling? We are fooling ourselves. Everybody has their own internal shit to battle with. There is insecurity manifesting as clinging and a need for attaching to nodes of power. We have lustful desires returning on the regular. What about gluttonous delights waiting to be fulfilled? How about righteous anger and the need to punish the unworthy? We all got something, and when we look back at our incarnation, we will have a good laugh with our fellow game players. What were you trying to hide from the other?

Chances are it's why we incarnated in the first place. Desire is a major clue and the wants demand fulfillment. We are in a state of amnesia regarding who we are, and our previous go rounds on the wheel of fortune, yet the clues remain within. The discovery awaits the honest seeker who can then put the puzzle together.