why am i here?

I asked the question, "Why am I here?" to the ether a few weeks back. I did it partly in jest, as I figured there must be a reason why I incarnated into a human body in this particular place called earth. I get answers to the questions I pose. I have walked the knowledge path and I am satiated. In fact, the Great Goddess told me upon our initial meeting via Ayahuasca that I could ask her any question and she would give me the answer. I have not abused the privilege and she has been true to her word. I fulfilled my end of the agreement as well, promising to write a book based upon what she revealed to me.

So, why am I here? I asked that question because I have realized earth is a hell of our collective making. I wondered what I did to deserve such a punishment? I do get answers, so it was hardly surprising that as I was sitting at my desk, I had this epiphany in regards to my current situation.

I am in hell because I created this place in order to transform. The separation from my other half, the Great Goddess who is my heart, kept pushing further and further apart and in my desperation, I created a realm where the suffering due to the lack of heart would force me to seek out love as the only way out of the hell realm I created. The darkness within went about conjuring this world to enact the suffering needed to transform my stubborn self.

Therefore, I can now be at peace with suffering. Suffering is indeed grace because it leads you to the path of the heart after you have exhausted all avenues which you think will save you. It’s built into the system that eventually you will find what it is you are looking for if you keep at it long enough.

The suffering is real, alas temporary. You conjured this world, you created the suffering, and you forgot you are the greatest of all magicians. Your magical power is so astounding that you fooled even yourself into thinking you were powerless, and that magic doesn’t exist. And here you are! The joke is on you. Every birth keeps the illusion going and every death lifts the veil a little more.

How desperate were you that you did this to yourself? How much did you calculate it would cost in order to get back into the hands of the Great Goddess, who has her own magical power as well, and that power is the power of love. Love is the great healer. When one speaks of healing the greatest of this healing power is through love.

How could I do such a thing as to create a world of suffering? My magic mushroom trips gave me the answer. I created world after world thanks to the mushroom in conjunction with the dream plants tobacco and mugwort. I sat in my big comfy chair with psilocybin and conjured new world after new world. Later that night, I was in dialogue with my shadow who showed me the mass suffering in the world; suffering he created. I knew he was me and I couldn’t fathom why I created so much suffering.

Six months after the latest psychedelic sojourn, and I know suffering is part of the grand illusion designed to get me home.

So, back to my latest musing. Of course, I was sitting outside on my deck smoking Mapacho tobacco when the realization of my incarnation hit. It was a progression along logical lines. The catalyst was abortion because of the raging political divide currently being experienced by the country directly south of mine. There is always a debate over when life begins, with some taking the stance that life begins at conception. I subscribe to the philosophical meanderings of one 20th century wiseman who went by the name Alan Watts. Alan mused that life begins with the twinkle in the eyes of the two parties about to engage in an act which will produce offspring. The twinkle is desire; otherwise known in ancient times as Eros or the fat baby with the arrow in Roman mythology whom we know as Cupid. The anthropomorphism of desire by the ancients is quite ingenious and the iconography of a baby with love arrows is pretty spot on.

Going by this model, I connected to the idea that I am the manifestation of desire. The power of desire is so intense that desire can actually appear in the flesh. Now, you might think I'm nuts, but I don't know; have you ever felt intense desire? It's an intoxicating drug which will make you do many irrational and nutty things! It's a small leap to say this power is magic and will find a way to come forth. Okay, if you are going to read on then you probably agree with me a little bit.

The lessons of the life course I am enrolled in coalesce at this point. The root cause of suffering is desire. Not getting what you want causes suffering. Getting what you want causes others to suffer and in turn you suffer because it is in time and will pass. Ever notice the world is defined by suffering? An interesting thing I've noticed is that suffering is the impetus towards transformation. When everything is going your way, you bask in the pleasure and get fat and lazy. The downturn in fortune causes you to act. The hurricane coming your way forces you to find shelter.

And there is the answer I was looking for. Why am i here? Well, because I am desire. I am propelled by desire to incarnate, and desire causes suffering. Henceforth, the world I help create is a world of suffering because my nature is desire. I have wondered why I am in this hell. What did I do to deserve to be sent to hell? Turns out I'm full of desire and therefore I created hell to live out my desires. I intuit it's a cycle and after I get my fill of the carnival, I will let go of the attachments and return to floating on a cloud, possibly playing a harp until I feel that familiar twinge of desire and take on form again in order to quench my lusts. I also sense I'll be trapped in desire fulfillment if I do not let go of its attachments while in form. Many ancients counselled that it's the weight of your heart, not the size which will allow you to free yourself from the hold of this consciousness plane that propels you to go round and round in a constant cycle of appearances.

weighing of the heart against a feather at the great hall of ma'at

I must think they were correct. The heart has to let go of attachment in order to love all. The heart will drown in a sea of misery without wings. Love, serve, remember and don't get attached. Realize the suffering is perfect. Do what you can to help with the knowledge suffering will transform the sufferer and lead them to the path they seek. It's why they did this trip in the first place.

Lust and greed are twins in this world of desire. We are the manifestation of desire; so, yes, it makes sense we are all greedy scoundrels looking to get our fill. We learn to play the game well and hide our rapaciousness. We put lipstick on our inner pig and play the game of life. When nobody is looking, we gorge at the trough of fulfillment of our sins, kinks, and wants. It's who we are. It's okay. I have got these lusts as well and I can play my game with ease and grace. I'm a mystic and by nature am a star at concealing my actions. Such a mystery I have created. Behind it all, and behind every single one of us who has incarnated is desire. Don't let them fool you. The world is a world of suffering because desire creates suffering, but the power was too strong. We had to do it. We had to roll the dice one more time because maybe this time I'll get all I want.

Maybe I did get what I wanted? Through desire, I have learned how to get off the wheel which desires propels in perpetuity.

The path of the heart is a most interesting journey. The answers and solutions to life's predicaments have always been freely offered as well as being known. You just had to find balance and in turn discover what you always knew.

Since I now know the secrets of desires and the manifestation of your desire, it would seem I have no excuses and must turn my desire towards the heart. Instead of desire causing suffering, I will elevate the heart and love by turning desire inwards towards love.