friendship

Dogs play games with each other.

They do and it's simple to see.

They are less complicated than our human games.

They are great companions.

You don't need much in terms of a companion.

We complicate things and say you have to be open, sharing, and discuss things with your partner.

The best relationships I've had have been with a dog.

They were simple relationships.

Companions that get along.

Go for a walk, share a meal, and hang out.

That's the perfect relationship.

We have a whole industry of counselors telling us there's more to a relationship.

All marriage counselors do is complicate an easy thing.

You can figure out what complicates things.

A sexual relationship.

Expectations of family.

A dog naturally fits into the family and is a friend.

So, the best relationships are friends, not family, and not sexual.

That is correct.

The family and sexual aspects fuck it up.

The sexual part of our relationships creates an imbalance especially for the man who is convinced by society he must pay for sex.

Society overtly and subversively tells a man that he has to pay for sex.

In a marriage he must provide in exchange for sex.

A woman is conditioned to believe she is owed for the use of her body.

The downside is when she is no longer desirable sexually, she becomes worthless in our culture.

The family is the same thing as you owe them.

The family is everybody's insurance policy when all else fails.

That relationship will bail you out and take your side.

It's part of the family compact.

A friend is not family, so there's no expectations.

If you want to become friends, you just do it.

There's no pressure.

There's no contract between friends.

You choose to be friends.

There's always family obligations.

If you don't fulfil them, you're an outcast.

A family will drain you of time and energy.

With friends, there's none of that.

It's equally split.

When the Goddess is a friend then she can be with you and be separated.

The answer to the separation problem is friendship.

Not being friends is total separation.

Entering into a sexual relationship will keep the cycle going.

What cycle?

Union and separation.

So, what is better?

Do you want to continue the cycle, or do you want to be friends forever?

So, the meaning of life for me can be boiled down into the question of what do I want from a relationship with the Goddess?

Yes, do you want to be lovers and haters, or do you want to be friends?

Can I be both?

That's the problem.

When you hate each other, you still care.

That causes the divorce.

If you are friends, you will hate each other.

If you're not friends, you don't care, and you have a sexual relationship it will work.

That's a tough call.

The expectation is some kind of caring in the relationship.

Yeah, this is a tough one, eh?

How do you create the perfect union?

Let's recap.

First, you understand not to care.

Second, you see that friendship is the ultimate ideal.

The problem is being friends with somebody you have a sexual relationship with will cause you to care about them.

Then you will lose the friendship when things go bad.

Friendship had little conditions attached to it except when you add sex to it.

You can't run from it.

You must deal with the sexual part, and it will end the friendship.

The flow will take you to the cessation of sexual attraction.

The flow will make you lose interest.

Everybody changes over time and anyone who tells you differently is a fool.

This is a pickle.

Well, if it's the flow, then you would go with it.

The story involves union and separation.

That's the story.

This story is in and out.

It's a very simple porno.

This whole story of mine is based on in and out.

I'm in the Goddess then I'm out of the Goddess.

You've created a whole story in your head based on this sophomore nonsense.

That's funny.

The best wisdom I can give you is that if you're friends, you're not going to cum.

Maybe a little teasing if you're lucky but that won't be enough.

You will look for someone else.

If you are friends, you'll look for different partners even though you know they're the one.

That's going to cause more problems.

Your friendship will dissolve.

Being friends will make it worse.

I'm just saying being friends goes against the story.

The story is in and out.

If you haven't been paying attention, that is union and separation of Goddess and God.

For some reason, I think there's three reasons.

The first reason is not caring, and the second is a lesson about friendship.

I saw the arguments on both sides.

I saw how friendship was the best relationship, but I also saw how the flow would go against friendship.

The perfect relationship would go against the flow.

Why is that?

It's because friendship goes against the flow, but it's a perfect balance.

So, can you find perfect balance in this world?

Yes.

That perfect balance is not Tao.

It's the exact opposite.

Explain that.

Why does friendship work?

You must make an effort.

Oh, I know.

You can establish a non-Tao relationship and then within that relationship practice doing nothing except for the basics.

A dog shows you that a good relationship involves going for a walk, sharing a meal, hanging out, and finding a place to sleep.

You can establish in this world things that are perfect and not based on Tao as long as you practice Tao.

Yes, this world is not Tao.

I think you know that.

You can balance this world by practicing Tao.

This world is the opposite of Tao.

The writer is definitely not Tao, but by practicing Tao he redeemed himself.

I balanced out, I don't know about redemption.

Okay, well, that doesn't answer the Goddess question.

Yes, it does.

You can't be friends with her.

If you are friends with the Goddess, the cycle will not continue.

The cycle will stop.

What is the cycle?

The coming and going of everything in existence.

You know the old in and out.

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Yes, I thank you.

You taught me this already.

This is working.

This is where it gets confusing.

If the cycle continues, that's the in and out, and it's going to lead to a big explosion.

The big explosion is the end of this world.

If you are friends with the Goddess, nothing's going to happen.

There's no spark.

This world would go on forever.

If you want to live forever, coming and going in this world, then be friends.

If you want a new world, don't be friends.

So, I can't be both?

If I choose both, the cycle will continue.

The only way it will not continue is if you choose to be friends with no in and out possibility.

That's funny.

No, wait a minute.

If I choose not to be friends, the cycle stops as well?

Yes, choosing either stops the cycle.

If you aren't her friend, there are definitely no in and out privileges.

Remember, you don't choose.

Choosing to be friends or not friends doesn't work.

You are being taught balance.

Did I feel this one?

No, you must think about it.

You couldn't come up with the answer based on what you know.

You had to think about it.

The answer is to either do nothing or to do both.

Doing both will keep the cycle moving.

What if I do nothing?

It's confusing and the cycle keeps moving.

The flow is obviously to keep the cycle moving for now.

The flow will predict and produce the future.

You see the results of choosing a side.

It will give you an idea of choosing both sides and not choosing.

When I look, I see the cycle continues.

The cycle creates something new.

Yeah, it would be a new manifestation.

Continuing without a new manifestation, what does that mean?

There's no reincarnation.

If you choose a side, there's no recall of reincarnation.

It's on repeat and there is no recall.

Sounds like hell.

Not choosing or choosing both and you come back to a new world knowing who you are.

It's the secret handshake.

Tao is for the chosen.

The chosen Tao comes back.

The Goddess and her cycle keep Tao moving.

Balance is the key.

I knew that.

Does anybody know this?

What do you think?

No.

That's why I am who I am.

You know the secret about coming and going.

In and out.

Yeah, don't make a choice.

The people who want to live forever make the mistake of choosing to live forever.

I'm going to live forever without making a choice until it all blows.

Yeah, until the orgasm.

You can be part of it.

Thanks.

You're going to feel it.

When is that?

Tell me when you're on edge.

How are you feeling?

It was strong yesterday.

Lust I mean.

When there's more lust and greed in the world then you can see it getting ready to blow.

When you are zoomed out to that level, yes.

Why is it going to blow?

It's the juggler.

The stories get too much, and he loses control.

The writer stopped being able to balance stories.

He said fuck it, and let it spiral out of control.

Duality spun out of control and blows up.

Yes, that's how you end the story with the big one.

What was the other option?

End and balance all the stories.

Get the writer to stop writing stories.

Do you mean where they cut my dick off?

I think that's the same thing.

If they do that nothing's going to happen.

You must end the story with a bang.

You can't let them live happily ever after.

Happily ever after is non-duality.

The big bang continues duality.

The stories all become one and then it bangs into the infinite again.

The stories all came together and there was no room left.

It was a blinding white light which simulated non-duality.

Existence was all stories, and no one could see any individual stories.

That's what non-duality is.

It's infinite stories.

Duality is infinite stories separated.

What is the state that's real?

It depends on perspective.

They're both true.

It's where you are in the story.

Are you in the duality part or the non-duality part?

Clearly, I'm in the duality part.

When you're in non-duality you don't know you know.

I think you must be in duality which gives you a physical and mental form in order to know you know.

You're going to confuse time, so remember you're doing both right now.

You've chosen an eighty-year vessel in duality.

You're also observing yourself.

Who is observing me?

Your non-dual self because they are somewhere else.

They are all.

They collect information about you that they already knew.

The trick is to get it to you in duality.

They give you knowledge of who you are.

Who are they?

You're subconscious.

They know you best and they know Tao because they're in Tao.

You, on the other hand, are off on some adventure.

I seem to be having the time of my life.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

I've been off on some tangents.

I went back to the not caring and friendship questions from the start.

That was a tricky one because when you play out friendship, you can create a container and practice Tao within that space.

I think it also teaches you that the first principle is always to not care.

The second point is about friendship.

Is there a third?

No, but bros before hoes works.

We can put that one in stone.

That would cause problems.

The whore is going to fuck with his head.

Yeah, that's why you have his back.

You know my subconscious is a little misogynistic.

So, a truth teller is a misogynist?

Yes.

To fuck someone, you need them to be a little bit of a friend.

Oh, you can do those ones where it's a one off.

Those are riskier.

That's true, if you have a relationship with somebody then they're not going to cut out your kidney.

Yeah, it's why you do the friends thing.

You need a little bit of that.

There're friends, then there are good friends, you get too friendly with somebody then something happens and it ends.

You never want to get too friendly with a friend.

You'll get fucked in the end.

You can look at it the other way non-sexual where you got to be friends with your dog and then it ended.

It's a different energy.

Friendship will end.

It could end in the other direction.

The best is to enjoy them while they're here and let them go when it's time.

You're making me cry again.

That's the best friend.

Let them go when it's time.

Unconditional love and best friends.

A best friend would also know when to let you go and give you space.

There's a difference between good friends and best friends.

The good friend relationship is trying.

The best friend doesn't try.

You don't want to be somebody's brother.

You want to be their friend.

Isn't the opposite true?

No, I think it's more complicated.

There are so many variables, which is good, because it means you'll never figure everything out.

Yeah, I'm balanced.

It's all going to work until the stories get cluttered, you say fuck it, and then it just blows.

Until then, you're good.

The world is out of control right now and it's absurd.

Yes, you know you're getting to that point.

I don't think I'm there yet.

No, you're just starting to feel it.

Once you get to that point where you feel it, there is no stopping.

What are we talking about?

It's the meaning of life.

To answer the question about the third principle, it’s this:
First is don’t care.
Second is friendship is the best relationship.
Adding sex to friendship ruins the friendship.
The cycle of union and separation of Goddess and God is put into motion.
Eros is the third principle.
It’s lust.
The in and out births Eros.
Eros is the reason for everything.

good guy

The war in Ukraine has driven one point home to me that coincides with my psychedelic experiences. I want to identify with the good guy; so, in my inner journeys, I become the light and objectify my shadow as the other. I claim the moral high ground and deny responsibility for the darkness in the world. I did it often enough so that eventually the realization that I'm both the good guy and the bad guy whacked me over the head like the blunt force trauma of a hammer.

When I consume mainstream corporate news, I am told the same thing. We in the west are the good guys and the Russians are the bad guys. The other is designated the “evil empire.” The language used is simple and makes me laugh. Professional people in suits, holding positions of power within the cultural west, constantly use the term "good guys" and call Russian leader Putin the "bad guy" or they position the conflict as good versus evil. Those old enough will remember 43rd US President Dubya and his "evil-doers" phrase, spewed forth in an acquired southern drawl. A cursory look at western behaviour over the last two decades clearly contradicts this narrative but the presentation is so simple and compelling, thus speaks to us directly because we all want to believe it. I'm the good guy. I kept doing this during psychic exploration. Eventually, I had to give it up in order to understand who I am. The same challenge awaits the west.

I didn't want to accept responsibility for the horrible acts I support, perpetrate, and unleash upon the world. I stand back and say, "That's not me. I'm not dropping bombs or purposely starving non-compliant nations." In order to live a life of economic dominance, we privileged countries need third world countries to enslave and pillage of their natural resources. If we participate, the affluence trickles down to us in western society while the elites directly enrich themselves through graft and corruption of their vassal states.

What you desire is what you will manifest. For some, the deepest of their desires are buried far down into the subconscious. If you are suffering, ask yourself why? If you find yourself in a war-torn shithole there may be a reason for it and it begins with self. The journey inwards will reveal it is you who makes the world come alive. You are responsible. You are the magician. Eventually, you will have to accept you are also the bad guy or the lesson plan will grind to a halt. We all identify with the good guy, or we are striving to become just like Christ. We further bury our darkness without integrating all back into a wholeness.

So, on the road to becoming reconciled there may come a point when you welcome your brother back on to the throne of self and stop objectifying him as the other. Perhaps you will then have a dream which will reveal to you the secret of all secrets. What you desire is the impetus behind all that manifests in the world. From my perspective, all events that occur in the world timeline are a product of my desire system and what I wish to have come about. The world is divided into have and have nots because I wanted to live a life of having, but not too much that would draw attention. I needed to not be too immersed into fulfilling all desires lest I totally forget why I’m here. The spiritual path would be hard to justify if I were rich. I mean there is that passage in the New Testament about the rich man and the eye of a needle. Here’s the passage from the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 19 (King James Version):

23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

When I first discovered my shadow and objectified him, he scared me. He appeared to me because it was what I wished for. I wanted to find out why I had this dark side to me, and I wanted to reach some sort of closure. I thought I could get rid of my darkness and become ultra-holy. I mean that’s the achiever part of the spiritual path. What a journey this has been. He has taught me so much. After he scared the shit out of me and I ran, eventually I returned. I laid down some ground rules where the coming tribulation would not affect my family. He threatened me with death on this voyage and I accepted that as an outcome.

Fast forward to the next phase of the lesson plan and I see the pandemic is of my own making. My shadow is the expert weaver who takes this world event and applies it to my teachings. He can take disparate human journeys and create a world where the events that are transpiring all line up and have meaning for us as a way to correspond to what it is we ultimately desire. For most of the world, the virus is another random threat on the road of life trying to inculcate a sense of urgency concerning the mortal coil but for me it is a major lesson on the path towards self-awareness of who I am. This is what I wanted. It’s my innermost desire. I wanted to figure out the mystery of life. The isolation forced me to reconcile all my lessons and discover the truth about myself. Without the full-stop I would have continued on the path of consciousness exploration without a total full integration of all I had been shown. When I was ready, he introduced the sacred mushroom and made me quite aware of my psychic split. From this standpoint I had to then figure out the rest of the story and drop my prejudice. My prejudice was continuing to objectify him as the other and the bad guy. Once I saw through my refusal to accept what is, I got the answer I was looking for. I clearly saw it is I who brings this world to life. The power is in my hands.

I have had some good teachers on this path. The maestro don Howard warned me of this power though at the time I didn't know what he was really talking about. Yeah, power corrupts, I know. I have heard the stories and warnings. I've read books by Carlos Castaneda where he tells tall tales about his run in with this power. Sure, it's mostly fiction but it is grounded in truth.

Indeed, it is I your humble writer, who is not really real. The identity I cloak myself in is a sham. I’m playing it small, not wanting to bring attention to myself or admit I hold all the cards in my hands. I am the light, and I am the darkness. I’m the good guy and the bad guy. I am a saint and a scoundrel. Charitable and a thief. This facade of self is the vehicle I chose to reconcile the two brothers within who constitute my essence and this life project is a build that is ultimately focused on finding common ground. There is to be a meeting in the middle, in the heart space of acceptance and love.

When you drop your small ball identity and see through the veil of self you discover two. The prism refracts into objects of self. Being free, the project of discovery allows you to integrate the two back into the one. You will find out who you really are.

Let me further explain: I have come forth as masculine and I see two within my psychic split. I drop the identity of this lonely and helpless dude, reconcile my power, and discover I am the divine masculine power. The process is similar for the feminine. She reconciles with her origin and discovers she is the divine feminine. The process of letting go of objectification then allows the two powers to enter into a state of union once again. The sacred marriage constitutes just what is. The sexual union of the two merges all back into totality. The sacred triad of the two into one.

Can this union last forever? I think we all know the answer. The two will birth the next iteration of creation.

A great gift is the gift of motion. What defines creation is a state of cyclic coming and going. Definitions and objectification fall away because transformation is the name of the game. On and on it goes. I salute you, dear reader, and what you have put into motion.

creation and destruction

The child that is the result of the union of the feminine and masculine powers and the subsequent Big Bang is the key to finding our way back home. The child is the universe and contains within their being a little bit of mom and a little bit of dad. The universe is the result when two divine forces meet and harmonize. It is an interesting mind experiment to consider the implications of this way of thinking of existence. In our world we propagate life through the coming together of woman and man and therefore this fundamental truth we can project out into the nature of existence with as much confidence as is possible. Therefore the birth of our universe is the same result and why I refer to it as a child. What is striking to me though is that energy is the underpinnings of all of this and it forms patterns. Our universe is the result of the two polarities coming together that create a new form. Creation seems to be as fundamentally a part of universal nature as anything I can imagine. When I look around I see constant creation and destruction; in other words life and death. Our core loves to create and then eventually form disintegrates. The divine feminine and masculine create form and this form supports an infinite amount of new life forms until like everything it meets its eventual dissolution.

We are headed towards destruction. That is baked into the game because it is a cycle of creation and destruction. The nuanced realization though is that we can mitigate the destruction. We don’t have to head on full boar into the maelstrom. Destruction is necessary for creation. As the masculine destroyer I tear apart forms and allow for the sublime act of creation. Without the destroyer nothing is created. It’s a hard one to accept. Another way to look at it is the garden analogy. Every so often you have to prune the plants and clear out the deadwood in order to create more space for other energy patterns to grow. On a larger scale the same is at work.

If we don’t wake up within the dream then for the most part we head full on towards destruction. Waking up within the dream compromises the study of behaviour but seems necessary in order to love all. Therefore we do need consciousness as a remedy to suffering. We do need to awaken as many as possible. Within all forms of creation we need to be aware of our origin, unity, and inclusiveness. If we remain isolated and look at everything through a prism of separation then it doesn’t work. It leads to a world of hatred, scarcity, and strife. How fast we head towards destroying ourselves is based upon how much love and inclusiveness we let into the paradigm. Make no mistake, the world will eventually end as the sun heads towards its inevitable supernova and therein lies the challenge. Can we make it that far or will we destroy ourselves in short order? The smart money is on us destroying ourselves first.

Through destruction, the energy is transformed into something else spectacular that experiences consciousness in a new regard. We have become so immune to our situation. Every moment we spend on earth should be accompanied with a gasp of incredulity and an exclamation of WOW! Instead we think no big deal and move along in search of novelty, lest boredom envelops us. Paging Dr. Huachumon.

My character and being I call Paul is finite and ever changing. What is behind this life form is that energy and it is common to us all and where we find unity. That energy you feel is the tie that binds. It is the connection between all of us and how we can communicate and make a connection with others using an universal language. If you can connect with others, even for a split second, you will feel that cosmic love. Feeling that cosmic love will transform you and others around you. Love has an infinite capacity to go viral. It's a worthwhile goal.

So all that are reading this at this moment are a pattern of energy that is in a state of decay and eventually dissolution, as it is the natural order. It is the created body that is subject to the coming destruction as the energy that powers it is so strong and is in harmony with the total power of the universe and will remain a part of this creation until the universal pattern dissolves back into the whole. And then at some point it will start all over again. In terms of finding our way back home that is what you need to understand. This is our home and our playground. Mom and dad are always around. They created this world for us. We have all eternity to play. When it’s time to come home they will let us know.

Are they the only parents? That’s a good question. Are there multiple universes that have been created; all a part of the union of feminine and masculine? What is the ultimate origin? Is there a master feminine and masculine power that everything is derivative of or is it a collection of different vibrations that has no master? It leads philosophically into the same idea as searching for a god particle that underlies creation and not being able to find a master particle. Instead everything is just a pulse or vibration. I wonder if that is how ultimately everything functions where there is no boss but just decentralization of liberated energetic forms? Freedom, as in free will, underlies all. Attempts to control energetic flow results in blockages and then finally the dam breaks or there is a monumental explosion. Harmony is obtained by free flow. 

Who is ultimately dominant? The feminine creator or the masculine destroyer? Is the outcome always destruction? Is that the natural order of things and the fuel behind the eternal vibration? The wise one within says you can’t have one without the other and in finding that truth you discover beauty. 

goddess ganesha and me

The universe is the dream of the fully realized union of the sacred feminine and sacred masculine. A dream is the reflection of one’s psyche, the reflection refracting into infinity and beyond. The child is that psyche and is the dream. The child is the universe. Our journey is to take us back home where the family reunites.

Dammit we are so philosophical as a species! How frustrating is this to the cosmic dreamer? Reflecting the psyche into their dream they created the universe. It's a giant simulation designed to come to terms with all their accumulated baggage. Instead of focusing solely on coming to terms with what troubles them, alas a great majority of the time is spent in contemplation of who we are and why are we here? How funny is that? We are so introspective we go straight for the ultimate question. I just wanted to figure out why am I such a dick with a predilection towards destruction and instead I'm left with existential questions about the fundamental underpinnings and purpose of life. I can't escape it and I have to know. Next massive dream I have to be clear to all that it is a dream, enjoy yourself, but please come to terms with hatred and strife and why can't I just love myself?

I had such an amazing dream the other night; well it was amazing in that it revealed something I had been curious about. So here is what happened: I fell asleep on the couch and woke up around 3 am. My dog wanted to go out so I let her out and left the door open enough so that when she wanted to come in she could just nudge the door open. While I waited for her, I fell back asleep on the couch and started dreaming. My dreaming led me to the climax of the dream where I stood by a door and there was a sudden announcement: “now the door is going to open.” I immediately woke up and on cue my dog came in from outside through the door. Fascinating. Utterly fascinating. I have suspected for a while that my subconscious is all knowing, transcends time, and takes over once I put the local body to sleep. This proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt as it was purposely revealed to me in this connection of the dream to reality. I have had situations in the past that hinted at this where the dream would awaken me just as my alarm was to go off by telling me that the alarm was going to go off. Similarly on multiple occasions during the waking hours I have had situations where complete strangers would know my name or comment on an internal struggle they had no knowledge of; this hinting at a connection that goes deeper than our conscious knowledge.

On June 15th I had quite the strange experience. I published a blog post where I ruminated upon my divinity and in conjunction with that I accepted the corollary where I am also the adversary. So I went to the washroom at work in the afternoon and as I entered into the location, on the speakers was playing the chorus to an INXS song called “Devil Inside.” These coincidences are more regular than to be expected. I laughed at what was going on however soon I started to wonder: The subconscious power that plans everything out, unbeknownst to us collectively, is once again showing itself to be tangible. These coincidences have to be common to all in order to pull this off. It is a hidden power that is behind all action, directing it in a way that keeps the story moving along. It’s very strange but this has happened enough over the course of my life that I can now with confidence at least suspect something is going on behind the scenes. My dreams and coincidences are suggesting that this universal subconscious knows I’m awake and on to it. I want to peg it as a masculine power because I’m also aware of the feminine Goddess power that I have been in contact with now for many years. My soul mate is love and also I describe her as Sophia  - the wisdom and understanding available if I ask or feed her knowledge. I’m currently figuring out the next steps. Do I want to use my connection to this power or is that a road fraught with too much risk? Is the power too much and I should just acknowledge it, use the clarity of knowing there is this power, and continue on my path towards what? What am I heading towards? I’ve never really defined that; instead I just sail onwards gathering up knowledge and experience which has led me to this point.

My plant medicine journeys have been at times a continual battle to peer into this darkness; the hidden subconscious that barricades the doors of perception. It works to deflect, scare you away, and sends you on a path of pure and holy righteousness to become enlightened just so you will stop seeking to peer into the darkness. I have wondered what is hidden down there? It’s omnipotence. It’s power. It’s the essence of our divinity. When I dream I become god. In life when you finally wake up and discover this is a dream, and there is a power that exerts control over the direction of the dream, then you are the Buddha. You are then awake within the dream. Life as you experience it becomes a lucid dream. I get now why we aren’t allowed access and are scared off and sent on a path towards faux ego enlightenment.

In my plant medicine journeys when I finally got past the stone blocks the darkness was inserting along my path on the road to becoming awake and embracing the jaguar of no fear and sublime courage, waiting to welcome and acknowledge me was the elephant headed one. I knew enough to realize it was Ganesha from the lore of the Indian subcontinent but I didn’t know much about him. After his appearance, the Goddess came to me in celebration as well. It was quite the night as I finally learned how to navigate the darkness. Up to that point I had been persistent yet frustrated by the constant fear and loathing of the experience. I really don’t know why I persisted and kept coming back to ceremony. I think it had to do with chasing the Goddess. There was always the chance I’d see her so inward I would return. Once I mastered the technique then I could sail on towards whatever siren song undertow pulled me towards knowing full well I could sail away and escape if need be. I have the confidence and am planning my next voyage into the darkness. I am starting to peer into and see some strange things in the dark, not in the least the power to control one's own destiny and depending upon perspective, the destiny of the world.

After first meeting Ganesha and returning home I noticed in my life how things were being moved out of my path both figuratively and literally. The funniest example was the walking path where I walk the dog. It had become overrun with fallen trees and debris. Curiously town workers showed up with wheelbarrows and chain saws and cleared the path. Maybe you don’t think that is out of the ordinary? Well the path is in the woods and no one else uses it. The following summer I had to evict a tenant from my basement and had a court date which was stressing me out. Ganesha came to me in a dream the night before the date and assured me it was all going to work out. Sure enough it did. I have been called even-steven because everything always works out for me. On my recent trip to the Amazon I had another peculiar meet up with Ganesha. There is this tribe that sells their artwork called the Shipibo that visits us at the sanctuary. There is a lot of Ayahuasca themed tapestries depicted with flowing energy in a style that is iconic to their tribe. I was perusing the collection they brought with them, not intending to purchase anything and low and behold I came across one of Ganesha! What the? I mean they are two oceans and the other side of the world away from India and the promulgation of Ganesha. Obviously it was a sign meant exclusively for me, so of course I had to have it.

I’m four months into my latest integration and all that I have mentioned about power and the subconscious is what I have been coming to terms with. I hung my tapestry at work and I often wear a pullover that has an image of Ganesha on the front. I finally added it up and realized the subconscious force that stirs the pot, that removes obstacles from the path and sometimes places them on it that I have discovered has as one of their names Ganesha. I’m sometimes slow on the uptake of seeing what has been staring me in the face. The masculine power I intuit is Ganesha. I’m adding it all up now. The Goddess, Ganesha, and me. I’m god, my co-actress is the goddess, and Ganesha is the reflection of the psyche into the universe who is directing this play. I'm the actor who now has the ear of the director.

So the unfathomable darkness of self, the area that is off-limits is where the director of the play hangs out, who is always creating obstacles or removing them in order to keep the play moving along and remaining interesting. I am the actor in this play and having fooled myself into thinking it is real also denied myself access to the underpinnings of the drama. The director controls the urges that makes us irrational and seek power or to collect items to own because of jealousy others may get them. We seek to win this game either through the pastime of collecting power and wealth, acquiring intellectual mastery and achieving recognition, and when all that is unfulfilling we turn to the spiritual climb. We never think to look at what drives all this behaviour? There must be a certain satisfaction on your deathbed that yes I played the game and beat it somehow! Does that give you currency to play again and give it another go? Put me in another ridiculous situation where I have to eat other beings to survive and see if I can win? Do you ever tire of winning? Is that our fatal conceit that instead of winning we have to elevate all through love but we are not predisposed to do that and we have to cast off the shackles of success and spread our common humanity and decency around the world. This is kind of funny in a way. I know of this power and the temptation is to rig the game, become successful, and live out my life of ease and then I’ll do it again because I know deep down whatever situation I get put in I will eventually figure it out and beat the game. Obviously I’ll increase the challenge in order to make it worthwhile but I know now I’ll always figure it out. I’m good at the puzzles. I stand on the precipice of laying my cards on the table. Sure it is going to be grand to bask in the knowledge of beating the game but what to do with the power? The maestro taught service and reciprocity; I of course never thought I’d get to a place where I could really make a difference but instead live a meagre life of influence, pissing words into the wind, and affecting the lives of maybe a handful. 

Was I finally ready to get the confirmation? It had become clear that nothing is working concerning throwing me off this path. I keep coming back and looking behind the curtain. When I first peered in about seven years ago with Ayahuasca, it was the most disturbing, creepy, and weird experience. I tried to run from it and was threatened with death if I ever looked again. I heard voices for days and worried about my sanity. Back home from this nightmare I had fits of unease, panic attacks, and then occurred over the duration of five consecutive nights a situation where I’d awake at the exact same time every night and have this feeling of fear and an encompassing darkness overwhelm me before I reached out to the Goddess to help me. I eventually returned to Peru and the plants and kept at it all the while wondering why I always would be greeted by this darkness? It’s because what I really wanted to find out was this mystery and plant medicines are both very good at revealing the inner self and the darkness we hide. The holy and righteous climb up the mountain was just a sideshow. We develop strategies to bypass the darkness so we can enter into the state of bliss. Deep down we know the darkness is still there. The subsequent use of Vilca was a good reminder of both polarities as I faced a struggle to reconcile the darkness in order to attain the light.

I had asked the question when I got back from Peru this year: Why do I keep looking? Just this week I wondered what am I hiding? It didn’t take long to get the answer. That seems to be part of the equation where I have to get to the point where I can formulate and ask the question. Then the answer is provided.

Of course the dream is the modality used to divulge the information I was seeking. I sit here now with confirmation of the divinity within, the accessible power, and the ability to know all and transcend our conception of time. Cool. I’m going to need a few days to sit with this one. 

the evolution of god

Culture is a bitch. I learned in English literature class in high school that every good story needed an antagonist. After all, it’s hard to go on a hero’s journey without one. I learned from seeking answers to vexing spiritual questions that the answer to all is found within after your external journey has become exhausted. It was strange that I couldn’t see that until I looked everywhere except within for answers. Our life is a drama; I’d also take game for an answer. It would suck if everything were a constant and all was provided for. Some stability is needed in order to allow progression; I mean if I am constantly on the hunt for food and needing protection, then I couldn’t very well sit here at my computer and ruminate upon the nature of existence. So, eventually you conclude that you and everyone else are god and living out this funny existence. Or at least that’s the conclusion I reached. We are the psychic manifestation, to wit the avatars of consciousness splintered, of the dreaming mind at large. This mind being a reconciliation of all who then self reflects through expressing the energy into what we have labelled the universe in our search for understanding. So far, so good. However, English lit class said this would get boring without an adversary. Luckily within, it is this darkness who challenges and harangues us. When first confronted with it, myself being exhibit "A", I ran from it and then processed the experience as a bad trip and an external enemy. I curiously returned to take another look and the darkness was always with me; I couldn’t bypass it. After exhausting avenues of blame for this stain upon my holy self, I finally realized that I was indeed the darkness. Once I grokked this truth, I could peer even more into the underpinnings of self. Hmmm... there’s a lot of hate, desires, lusts, perversions, greed, possessiveness, and jealousy buried down there. Conversely, a whole lotta love. All elements utilized to keep the story moving along. All plot devices for when the drama gets stale.

I was elated to learn I was god. It’s quite the trip you know, especially when everyone else is ignorant of their divine status. Being able to play this role while others are still lost, is the root of monotheism. That’s a good business model to dupe the plebs and get power, fame, and fortune. But I digress. What I mean by culture is a bitch is the realization you are god leads to the crossroads. As a seeker you have a choice to stop and say, "Cool, I’m god" and all is going to work out and I’ll play this role, advisably in a quiet manner lest the whispers of your insanity start. Conversely, you may keep seeking on the path to an unattainable knowledge of self. As I have explained before, I stay aboard that ship of fools. I kept at it and the next step in the evolution of god then presented itself. In order to play the part of god and really make it stick, I need an adversary. A tempter to throw me off my holy path and one who no one can transcend despite appearances and assurances that they are now enlightened and have moved beyond the human.

Yeah, so here’s the thing. As god, I’m also the devil. Far out stuff to keep the game afoot. It’s tough to accept because of cultural indoctrination. This realization still gives me the creeps. I mean the devil? Come on, that dude is really scary, and I’m him? Can I be that guy? The indoctrination goes so deep I am loathe to admit it. Seriously, though I don’t want to accept that culture still plays a role in my seeking, I deep down know it does. I know it because I have reached the stage where I must fully accept I am the adversary who tempts in order to fulfill the role of keeping this game going. The game is set up to learn knowledge of self. If you are the all how do you seek outside psychiatric help when you learn of your pathology? Well, you can’t. The only way to do it is to divide up all your neuroses into aspects of self and then give yourself amnesia. Then through challenge and stress you may learn what it is you are really made of, what you suck at, and then work on moving past that block or at least admitting to it.

It goes back to the union of the divine feminine and masculine and how we are currently separated. Divorce makes up the manifest universe and through this playground we are seeking knowledge and understanding of self so that when we do finally recombine into a harmonious whole, we can drop the acrimony. The long separation began due to this inability to get along and so we went our separate ways. Who would give in first to longing? I lost that bet though in my ignorance I did win the first round. Once I discovered who she was then I longed to hold and possess her once more. She is on to that possession game though. Isn’t that the reason for the separation? From a unique perspective I view this all as teasing foreplay bringing us to the edge of giving in. When we look into each other’s eyes we feel it and want to embrace. We take turns denying each other satisfaction. Yeah, I still have much work to do before I give up the game and recombine into the all.