what you see is your story

You get addicted to the stories.

You keep telling stories and want to learn more about them, so you go back for information. 

Do you get addicted to knowledge?

Yes, that's the addiction.

Is it bad?

Only if you want total knowledge.

Then it's out of control.

Do you want to know everything?

No, some stuff is beyond what I want to know and who gives a fuck about celebrities. 

That's how I balance it.

I know the important stuff.

Spirituality and magic.

Reflection is about the idea that your story is reflected into the world.

What you see is your story.

There is the idea that you see what is close to you as part of your story.

Zoom out a bit and you will see more of the story.

Zoom out far and you see into all of what's going on.

The totality of your life is zoomed out to reveal who you are.

The movie studio idea of the world drama combined with production lenses.

I thought of the world in the same way, where the world is a reflection of who you are.

The world you have created is who you are.

The world at large is who humanity is.

Remember that saying about how the stock market is never wrong?

The price that's fixed is the truth.

The same goes with the world.

You might think the world's good or you're being too hard on this part of yourself.

How it appears is the truth.

We call good acts humane, and we appeal to the good in humanity when we can see what humanity is by the condition of the world.

Each of us contributes to the outcome.

Your world contributes to the main story.

Everyone can affect the main story.

It's like voting where the odds are stacked against your vote even counting.

This leads to people voting for the main ideas that are given to them because they want to feel like their vote counts.

You join into culture, so you feel like you count.

That's why there's advertising and there's narrative control.

It's all about getting people to buy into the story to create an illusion.

The illusion is that everything's great and people aren't suffering.

It's only a few people who aren't suffering.

To create these conditions in the world at large there must be a lot of suffering.

There's a big advertising campaign to get you to think there isn't as much suffering as there is because the suffering is appalling.

It's people wanting you to buy their story.

It's a marketplace of stories.

Nothing is for real.

The game is to get you to buy their story.

You went for the ultimate story.

Your own story.

The one where you get people to believe you are God.

Nobody's going to believe that.

If you convince a few people, it's going to be so powerful you'll win.

People are lost in the illusion, and they think it's real.

That's why they must support their stories, though it doesn't matter.

It's energy and it's not matter.

If it did matter there'd be matter.

Matter is mother.

Maya.

Illusion.

Matter is just energy.

Stories are just energy.

It's the truth.

I'm not shitting you.

Energy doesn't suffer.

Energy is looking for balance after a bounce.

If they don't get the bounce, then it's peaceful.

Suffering is something that comes from a bounce.

Lose your balance so you get a high and a low.

Suffering is the mirror image of the same people who want to get high.

They're now low.

Stories are a drug and people get high and low.

It's called tripping.

It's the state of the energy and the stories show the result of getting high and low.

You're seeing how energy manifests.

There are people who are getting what they want and people who are suffering.

That is the result of the story drug.

A story for all.

Mary Jayne is different for everybody.

Most people want to get stoned.

MJ would give everyone what they want.

You wanted knowledge and she continually gives you knowledge.

There must be what you would perceive as an addiction to knowledge because you know that's how drugs work.

You would become addicted to stories and knowledge.

That's what MJ gives you the most.

You're so fucking weird you would get addicted to stories and knowledge, instead of the usual pleasure receptors that other people get addicted to.

That's the weird thing.

It ties in with wanting knowledge and the game where they're trying to find a way to hypnotize you.

The witches?

Yes.

They are trying to get you to the Devil's orgy.

I see.

The last resort is to use MJ to get you addicted to knowledge.

They figured you must have one weakness and that weakness is knowledge.

I do like knowledge.

I mean they tried the sex thing.

That's like the easiest one.

Do you think you'll get addicted to knowledge in the stories?

To be honest it gets tiresome.

I like it, but I must take a break every so often.

Okay, so life is all an illusion and you're trying to figure it out and get off at the same time.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

It's all a porno.

It's made up and the suffering is not real.

The suffering must be real somewhere.

The suffering is part of the illusion that your stories are creating.

Also, fear is an illusion because it comes from stories generated by you and the rest of humanity.

I think we've already established that humanity is a piece of shit.

I'm not arguing that, but did they become a piece of shit because of the writer or because of their greed?

The writer writes the story, and that story should be a reflection of him, however he gave free will to the actors and the actors are allowed to petition the Devil to change their story.

As a result, this world that the writer has created might be more of a reflection of the characters he created than him.

Yes, because everybody wants to change their story at some point, so everyone has changed their story.

The only people who haven't changed their story for sure are the ones who have suffered in service.

The rich could have gotten lucky but most of them probably changed their original story to get rich.

Well, I would say the kids of the rich people figure out that's their story, so they probably stay true to their story.

Yeah, that's a good one.

So, the only people in the world who haven't changed their story are the rich kids and the saints who suffer while being of service.

They're both saints in my estimation.

Rich kids are the greatest saints because they didn't change their story.

You can't argue that.

That is absurd.

Paris Hilton is one of the biggest saints to ever walk the planet.

You should worship her.

Fuck, you're clever.

The only person in the world who would not change their story for sure is the writer.

Every other motherfucker wants to change their story.

Especially when they get in the inner circle with the writer, then they want the writer to write them good shit.

Pretty much every story I write for people they change.

Like I said, the only fucking decent people who don't change the story that I write for them are these fucking rich kids.

The saints who devote themselves to service and suffering, they're just playing it up.

I wrote them a story of service and suffering because that's what I thought they wanted and they're those actors who will take on any part and play it to perfection even if it kills them.

What I'm telling you is people who are of service and are suffering, are the biggest fucking showoffs in the business you'll ever meet.

Saint Teresa was one of the biggest showoffs.

She's intolerable.

Fuck you.

How twisted and absurd that is.

Yeah, but it makes so much sense.

You can see the rich kids are one-dimensional actors and they don't question their part.

They just play it.

As the writer, that's all I want.

This has been your story all the time.

I never changed my story.

I followed Tao.

consequential game of chance

It's ridiculously obvious for me to say life is about making choices. We are constantly presented with scenarios where we must decide and at times these choices can be seriously life-altering. When faced with hard choices my default go to is to let others make the decision for me if it is to cause major waves. I've boiled this behaviour down to a psychological trick I've used my whole life that I stumbled onto early in my youth. I realized at some point that if I became a people pleaser and did what others wanted of me, I would get far in life and be able to convert it into capital which I could use to get what I wanted. It boils down to this: I can manipulate others to my advantage if I give them what they want out of me. It's transactional, and so far in life it has worked.

The hard part is when you hit a fork in the road in which no matter what you do to please, it is going to cause the other party to be upset or suffer. I have landed on that doorstep a few times in my life. Your reputation and life-long process of looking like a superior mortal in their eyes is to come crashing down. You can only hide for so long. Living with someone will reveal the other side, it's hard to keep that concealed. The game is a central part of the identity you build in your human career. I've played the game long enough to also see the result of inaction. If you don't choose, the choice will be made for you, and you will be stuck with the consequences. When others make the decision, you spare yourself the label of bad guy and the subsequent Karma. I've seen it play out before and the disappointment I have been able to move on from after compartmentalizing the hurt. Eventually, the time would come when I'm not sure I could get over the loss of something I wanted, had, and then lost because I couldn't be true to myself, make a personal choice, and deal with the fall-out.

I’ve noticed I can get what I want, but then a new set of variables is unleashed. I want this. I get it, and then come the unintended consequences. What is the better play of the two? To just let things be as they are? You also don't know the future of that action. We are always desiring and chasing what we want. The difference for the wizard is they get what what they want. We are all in the same boat; some can fulfill their desires while others are left on shore with desires unfulfilled. Outcomes are always going to be a wild card.

My desire is to eat healthy. The consequences are I live longer and consume more resources, taking away from the less fortunate. The effect on the scale of plenty is negligible but imagine a bunch of First World inhabitants such as us all desiring this. The effect is pronounced and for every gain is a loss. Who suffers? The poor. They go even more without the necessities. I'm trying to illustrate all actions have consequences. Nothing is exempt from this and though I have noticed acquiring power and getting what I want leaves a wake of unintended consequences, there were always going to be consequences to not getting what I wanted. We are in a consequential game of chance.

Life is full of constant challenges. If I mapped out an adventure to have, called life, surely, I'd want to eventually experience crossroads. I love the challenge that is presented to me. I don't love having to let go of the people pleasing default mode and see my identity and reputation get kicked to the curb. Deep down I know all is reconciled and you can only ride that edge for so long. Eventually, the spark to ignite a fuse would present itself and one time I wouldn't blow it out or allow it to flame out. Let's see what happens when it burns. The detonation I have avoided and, in this adventure, maybe it should blow and then I can take notes.

We all know Medusa, or else we wouldn't be here. We are good at not looking her in the eyes like we were told. In my contrarian life, of course the time would come when I'd seek her out and stare into her eyes. What secret is being kept from me? Tantra teaches the way out of your predicament is to head straight into the storm and go through the eye of the hurricane. If I were going to lead by example and show you the way, what would be my method? I'd use the stone to find freedom. Embrace it. I would plunge headfirst into the abyss and break through to the other side because I'm the stone. I would subconsciously demonstrate the way out of your prison cell once you have been released from your sentence. The jailer exclaims, "You can go," and yet we hang around and decide to become of service in the prison. Somebody must remind us that it's okay to leave prison. Turn me to stone and I'll use the solid rock to smash the four walls that imprison me.

Earth is a finishing school for wayward spirits and the best teachers of our purification are dead. They are telling us it's okay to leave when you get the message. We cling to our prison cells, embracing the comfort that comes from knowing this is your reality, while denying you fear the unknown. The spiritual teacher still with us is subject to the flesh, so we can use this against them. We can examine their life and find a reason they aren't ultra-holy. This way we can avoid the difficult path ahead which we face. They couldn’t do it, so why should I be any different?

If you figure out the game and are free to leave, would you? It's a choice. Duality presents choices. You can stay and be of service. A teacher. Someone who wakes others up. Wouldn't you want to balance that out? Why play the holy card all the time? If you knew the secret, wouldn't you want to play? Why the hurry to leave? Is there a time limit? I don't think so. I have examples to look towards. My friend Parker left because what he was chasing had already left. I have balanced the equation. Some of my friends have left and are waiting for me. I still feel the pull of this incarnation. If life gets you down, find purpose. That's the key. When you no longer feel wanted or needed in this world then the scales tip and you can jump with conviction.

You can also leave to escape the coming retribution and trashing of your reputation. It's still going to happen, and the coward runs from it. It's a game, and I'm proud of my fifty-six years. Fuck man, I have juggled this one like a pro. I haven't dropped the ball yet and I keep making it harder. If I believe in myself, I'll make it a great story.

The reveal of my character is freeing. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bury my nature in the depths no more. Kill yourself in order to live, indeed.

wandering

I'm not lost in self. What I mean is I do a good job of being of service. I support a lot of people. I'm a good provider. I unselfishly give up my time. I'm a great dog owner. There's always more you can do and when you embark on the spiritual path you become inundated with calls to service. As Ram Dass would say, "How can I help?" It can be fulfilling though I have found I don't resonate with it. I like to help, but I don't go out of my way to be of service.

Will I reach nirvana with that attitude? That's very funny to me. The spiritual path is whatever you want to make of it. If you are expecting a reward, then you are going to be disappointed. This lifetime is a terrific opportunity to learn, and it was Jesus Christ who said ask and you will receive during his sermon on the mount.

Matthew chapter 7 (New International Version)

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

If you wander through life and hit upon something so unfathomable it consumes you then for sure at some point you are going to try and figure it out. Personally, I'm going to start asking questions. This is my story. The spiritual path led to some startling discoveries and either I have the definitive answer to this whole charade or my ability to make up a story is next level. So, I guess I should spill the beans.

Within me is the eternal masculine energy. I happened upon him when I first ventured into the Amazon jungle in search of the Great Goddess. I found her and she is my guiding light on this path. I also discovered him. I guess since I call her the Great Goddess then it's proper to call him the Great God. He scared me and I wanted him to let me be. However, the cat was out of the bag and because I'd surfaced him, he was going to harass me as a reminder to not stir that pot again. I was insistent on pursuing the Goddess and so that meant continually dealing with this other part of the equation. I was tested, threatened with death, and told to get lost. I transformed myself in that hellfire and proved I had what it takes to travel to places no one had ever gone before without succumbing to madness.

Over time we developed a friendship, and I was privy to secrets of the universe. I asked questions and got answers. Things really came to a head when I went to Peru this time last year. I drank really strong Huachuma every other day for a couple of weeks and reality came apart at the seams. I saw into the future. I was shown how the pyramid fit into my story and this story spans multiple lifetimes in multiple universes. These universes contain the constant of the pyramid as a reminder of the thread that binds all these creations as well as being a meeting point for the two main characters of the plot.

The two main characters are Goddess and God, bound by love and acrimony. I became part of the story and being a mortal avatar of God I accidentally succeeded in finding the Goddess who had been locked away for two milleniums. It was an omen that would lead to finding her mortal avatar. I did find her and since I believe in fairy tales, I thought we'd live happily ever after. We live separate from each other, and this divide is the cause of creation. This physical plane is the result of our divorce, and she has not forgiven me. She falls in love with me, sees the perfection in our union, and then can't help but notice the faults. I haven't changed. I'm still that garbage she tossed away many aeons ago. And so, she flees. I'm left here in a state of disbelief knowing I have lost her again.

I will have to start the full process over again. I fucked it up so now I must lay waste to this world because I don't think I'm going to get her back. I will destroy this world which I meticulously designed in order to one day get her in my arms again. I will dream another universe into existence and go through the prolonged process of winning her back. I know how to recognize her, my vibration is eternally within her, and I planted the seed of the pyramid, so she knows where to find me when she becomes curious once again. I am a master card player and know all the tricks to winning the game. The game never lasts, and the dragon returns to an unbearable loneliness once again, raging at an injustice that was of his own making, and perpetuated by the obstinacy of his divine partner.

Like I said, either I have the definitive answer to this whole charade or my ability to make up a story is next level. Does it have to be either-or?

go back to sleep

Some people aren't ready to awaken. They wake up. They see it. They get scared and want to go back to sleep. They get angry with the direct influence on their awakening. The one with the nodoze pills becomes the bad guy. They get scared of them. This person is the bad one. They can't go back to sleep. They get angry. They run. It helps for a bit, but the gnawing pain returns. They remain sick in a toxic society.

I learned that when you wake someone up and they have unfulfilled longings, the backlash can be severe. A pilgrim on the path can be totally invested in waking up until the reverse pull of the sandman gets to them. Once they go back to a light slumber, the resulting animosity can be swift and harsh. It's like a complete 180 degree turn on a dime is enacted and huge amounts of vile is tossed your way. I searched for an answer to why and came up with a bunch of plausible scenarios. I kept searching and I asked the Goddess for knowledge. She filled my cup, and I ran through it all. The sandman puts you to sleep but who is it that wakes you up? The Greek Eleusinian Mysteries of Demeter and Persephone point you in a solid direction. The Dionysian Mysteries gives you more clues. Dionysos wakes you to the drama and what a play it is! The Mysteries liberate you from society and cultural restraints. You were called to return to nature and the essence of your being. The corollary to this is exiting the life you have led up until now. It means leaving behind family and friends. Why should I trust Dionysos?

When you start the process of awakening it is scary and you want to run. It's understandable. I ran. The guardian at my gate was a scary motherfucker who told me to get lost. He threatened me with death if I returned. The stakes are high, and I had to be sure I wanted this. I returned to face him two years later and took my beating. I'm a warrior now. The problem is you started to wake up. You shouldn't have done it because when you try to abort the process, it will just get worse. You'll be left a confused mess. Everyone needs a wise figure at the gates who will inform you of the outcome. We don't have that in our society but ideally, they would counsel you against walking the path towards awakening. Turn back, go home, and live out your life. Once you roll over in your sleep and get up for a bit, you are not going back to sleep. You're fucked.

Imagine you can then externally place the blame on someone else? You don't have to take responsibility for the mess, instead point the finger at someone who whispered in your ear that there is another way. The anger and vitriol will get you temporarily through some of the challenges you face. The worst part is the gnawing feeling from within will never go away. There will always be something pointing you towards the path of awakening and it will rise at the most inopportune times in the most innocuous of situations.

What is the path of service? An effective use of your time is helping others awaken. This runs the risk of getting you beaten down. Now we're talking! For most of us, the path of service is a feel-good endeavour. We help others and see the positive changes in their lives. We did good and it's something to be proud of. What if your path of service is to rouse people from their slumber? They want it but aren't prepared for what's to come. The shit hits the fan, and they hate you. You help others and your reward is crucifixion. The lesson within the New Testament is startling. Jesus Christ is the preeminent agent of change, waking up untold multitudes. Jesus was straightforward about the tumult to come in your life. He told his followers they must be prepared to give up everything.

Luke 14 (New International Version):

25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said:

26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

Of course, his message has been perverted and today's church isn't waking anyone up; rather it has just become another institute of societal control, but I digress. Jesus became so successful at waking people up, he had to go. He was mocked and scorned. He was nailed to a cross and left to die. The lesson is we as a society don't want to wake people up, so if that's your path of service, it's not going to be a fun ride.

I'm just a human doing this work. I'll always be here to help you. It's what I do. I can wait. 

questioning spirituality

Our brains are linear. They have been conditioned in this regard. It's how we think and make sense of our world. If you discover a method which allows release from this modality, then different avenues of cognition open to you. I have been looking for a way to explain being able to see into the future. It's been a few years since I realized time is a dubious human discovery. Because we have senses and delineate, this allows us the power of observation. We are objectification machines, and we use it well. We track and mark the movement of objects and thus create a system of time. Our system of time is based on the sun. Days and the year are the cycle of the sun. The seven-day week and the months owe their genesis to the moon. Our conditioning forces us into patterns of thought which cannot break free of an orderly and linear design of the universe which marches through time.

Without the ability to objectify, time would not exist. This plane of consciousness we inhabit with our senses is a world of duality and thus time governs us. Time is a lazy jailer as it doesn't have to do anything to keep us imprisoned. We create the jail cell ourselves and lock ourselves in. If we stray from the prison yard, the inmates rat on us. They first use the tactic of shame and make us question ourselves. You're crazy! They poke around and find out what is the cause of you straying from orthodoxy. Don't think for yourself. Leave complex matters for experts. Drugs are bad. Stay away from them as it is a blot on your good character. If you get past the gates of society then will come you've changed accusations and drugs are making you crazy. As society progressed and we became intellectually enlightened, we took it upon our collective self to criminalize agents of consciousness. If you wanted to escape the mental prison, you risked being locked up in a physical prison. The game is designed so you will not escape. For most they won't even try to run. They will just accept it. The runner must be resolute in their decision and willing to leave it behind.

This trip since middle age has been utterly fascinating. I never dreamed I would get to these points of awareness. I had no idea of what awaited discovery. I had to unlock modes of cognition to proceed.

Earth is a school for awareness. Your energetic signature unlocks awareness through incarnation. You add this skill to your sum. How about that answer to the meaning of life? We come here to make sense through our senses. Time creates order out of chaos. We crave this order in our masculine world. Order comes from chaos, light from darkness. A unique perspective reveals a whole new way of perception. In this world there is time, and eternity reveals itself from moment to moment. In the world of chaos, everything just is, it has already happened and to reveal it just needs a structure. We create a timeline which allows us to make sense of it all. The clever seeker in a world of form will realize this and then be able to poke holes in the fabric of being.

The modality to do this must be discovered and then comes the need to stop listening to others' interpretations and advice. At first, culture set up religious institutions to keep people away and it worked for a long time. As a species we were obedient and bequeathed our inquisitive nature to an intermediary. We allowed those who wanted to keep us imprisoned to be responsible for our freedom. Thus, we remained locked up. When you break past these barriers it isn't over. There is always a spiritual element to the game and an appeal to some concept of a higher self. When you are onto the game, the cultural shepherds are still waiting for you. The final boss awaits. You've seen past the veil so now what? Attached to discovery is altruism. For some strange reason if you approach the big secret, then the ego requires you to cultivate a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You become of service and therefore the game can continue for others as you are neutered.

What a crock! I know so many people who are doing just this. The spiritual trip is so fun and allows you to abrogate the responsibilities of incarnation. They all knew this earth game we are playing is toxic and looked for a way out. They peeked behind the curtain and faced the dissolution of preconceived thought patterns. Then we all face the big question: What do I do with this knowledge? The default is you become spiritual! I feel like intellectually raging at this golden chain. I remember Ram Dass giving a lecture about the idea of the golden chain of righteousness. Spirituality leads to this golden chain where you must put on airs and graces and avoid scandal. Why is there this connection to unlocking universal secrets and being good?

One answer that jumps out at me is love. I've come across it a lot in my journey and in terms of resonance I understand love is what we seek. A taste of love is bliss. So, the question becomes what is the best method towards getting people to that place of love? The path I chose will allow you to touch that love to which I refer. That's when the next wave of trouble begins and we become spiritual. However, look around you. We live in a place of ungodly suffering. You can't escape it. If love is the ultimate answer, then why does this hellhole called earth exist? The universe can be cruel. To live one must cause suffering. In turn we suffer. Suffering is the path towards finding the love you seek. When all else fails, a good dollop of suffering will snap you out of whatever ails you and direct you towards love.

Plant medicines showed me a world of spirituality and I got a great understanding of it. I'm not sure they made me spiritual. They showed me where I wasn't spiritual for sure and I followed a path which revealed I was no Jesus in a white robe. I saw Goddess and God. I saw who I am. I don't feel a need to become holy because of it. I am at the point now in my "spiritual" journey where I laugh at people who become spiritual because of psychedelics and plant medicines. I laugh because of experience. These substances reveal who you are, and for most of us it's hard to accept the truth. Deflecting your degeneracy through embracing spirituality is a smart play. You can postpone the realization for a bit.

For me, the realization has come. The Great Goddess laid it on thick. Here's what you do and the results of your actions. You're special. You got quite the game going on to get you the thrills you need to control your vibration. You know how to smooth it out and go searching for the hit every now and then. Apollo is brilliant and figured it all out!

I've got redeeming qualities. I like helping people. I like doing things for people. I like seeing people happy. I like making animals happy.

I know what she is going to teach me next. Purity and vibration. She is going to show me how pure true love is. If you want to stay high and never come down, love is the pure substance you are looking for. Without it you are forever trapped in the cyclic vibration of high and low. So, if you want off the wheel, you gotta come to love. Simple!

I'm not interested in utopia. We do-gooders try to usher in an altruistic paradise in hell. I don't want to create a world of love. It's all perfect. I want there to be suffering on this earth. My selfishness that keeps me going to know all leaves a trail of indifference, destruction, and suffering. If I were a great and loving being, I would have been stopped dead in my tracks. The dragon in me propels me along a path of discovery which is what I've desired all along.

I don't want to be spiritual. I don't want to think I must be of service or have integrity. Reciprocity should just flow and not be a conscious duty. Those qualities I will demonstrate by my actions and let the chips fall where they may. They are a byproduct of my life. The other may judge how successful or what a failure I am regarding these principles. I don't want a white robe or an acknowledgement of transcending the morass of humanity. My animating path is a quest to discover it all. It's a never-ending ride on the cosmic wave of being.

advice not judgment

The awakening process involves searching externally for answers and eventually finding out what you are looking for is found within. You are everything and the answers are contained internally. The progression on the spiritual path is not over at this point. When you see this, a funny thing happens. In the external world you can then see with clarity what you are looking for.

I've started heading down this path and one of the initial lessons I received was enlightening. When you see the divine in the external then it becomes easy to love all. It's the secret sauce I was looking for because I finally had to admit I don't love the other. I find so many people fearful and greedy while holding them in contempt. I now see those traits within and realize the other, who is me, has incarnated into the flesh on this planet of the damned in order to satiate greed, work through trust issues, and become a warrior. Everyone has a path they are walking. I might not approve, get pissed off at them, or condemn them but the path they are walking will lead to a resolution of what brought them here, even if it means repeating the grade. I understand this and can now look everyone in the eye and have compassion for all. We will all get there, and I can honour that spiritual journey.

When I signed up for the plant medicine experience, I was cautioned it wouldn't be easy. Don Howard warned of the tumult to come in your life. Ceremonies were indeed difficult as the fear and unknown aspects of them were challenging to the point of wanting to run and never return. As hard as that was, I can say the life challenges thrown your way during the interval of the integration process are far more difficult. They are made hard by a stubborn refusal to take stock of oneself and apply the lessons to the situation you have received repeatedly. Service and doing things without expectations. Unconditional love. Reciprocity. Love Serve Remember. I've tried my best to not do this. Eventually, the hard knocks to the head get through and the approach mirrors what you have been taught.

What are plant medicines teaching me? What am I here to teach you? Did I learn my lessons or even understand them? I know why I took the course. I wanted to delve into the peculiar human condition which involves love. We strive to love all which is difficult. We passionately fall in love with one which seems easy. That love is more precarious, and failure has the potential to shatter your world. Loving all doesn't contain this outcome. There is always lots of love to go around and time to wait until others get aboard the love train.

The teaching starts to become clear. To escape the cyclical nature of being is to love all. Walking the path of the heart to this fork in the road has been a ride. I wonder how the next chapter plays out as I draft this story?

It's the weight of your heart not the size. Those are great lyrics from the 90s grunge band Alice in Chains in a song called "Angry Chair", describing the condition of your heart resulting from a lifetime of living. Some people grow a big heart in terms of being generous. The weight of your heart is determined by attachment. Getting emotionally attached to others in love and then suffering heartbreak will give you a heavy heart. Loving all with no preferences will make you lighthearted. You see the good in all and love everyone for their journey and contribution to this game of life.

When I started out on this path of discovery, I invested heavily into learning about the civilization of the ancient Egyptians. I came across what was called the judgment scene.

It involves the recently deceased having their heart weighed on a scale against a feather in the Hall of Maat in front of 42 divine beings. If the heart was heavier than a feather, then it would be devoured by the hybrid demon Ammit. Our modern take on it was that you'd be destroyed and sent to the depths of hell if you couldn't pass this test. If you did pass the test, off you went to see Osiris and get access to paradise. Ammit will constantly gorge on your heart if it is not as light as a feather. Do you need to wait until death for this scene to play out? It's available now and is on repeat.

We called this scene judgment because of our Judeo-Christian influence. The elements are suggesting this with the various divine figures looking on in addition to surmising the Hall of Maat is set up for judgment. The concept of Maat in ancient Egyptian thought is referring to the natural order of things, comparable to the Hindu concept of Dharma. Our western thought processes will immediately connect this to judgment. I'm not so sure about the inference. Maat is just the way it is. To go against Maat will bring upset into your life, but that's not judgment. Instead, it is your own doing. Thus, another way to look at Maat is not as judgment but just a product of your own choosing, to wit Karma. If you spend your lifetime becoming attached to others this will weigh down your heart and you will return to this heavy plane until the lesson is learned. We all know there's no escaping the eventuality that everything we hold dear here on earth is going to perish one day, including our own life. I think within this is found a cause for continual celebration. To rejoice in what we have and to let go when the time comes. Not to be sad but to be happy someone has completed their journey. From this can be derived a light heart. To love all.

We have a preoccupation with death and not living in the moment. We look at such a scene from the ancient Egyptians and immediately think this is the afterlife and we are going to be judged. The bias is because of our upbringing and applied by default. It's easy to bypass the default way of thinking if you just do it without thinking. That seems like an oxymoron, think by not thinking! Don't filter your thoughts before the expansion. Just see them in perfect form and try to grasp what it is they are showing you. Okay, got it? Look at the hybrid crocodile goddess Ammit devouring hearts. Internally, the Goddess is your heart. A heavy heart is the result of choosing to love only a few rather than all. When the select few leave for whatever reason, your heart becomes heavy and once again the monster will devour it. The lesson becomes strikingly clear. Love all. It's not judgment - it's advice. You are being shown the way to eternal bliss is with a light heart.

My heart, who is my mother, who is the Great Goddess, asked me, "Why can't you fall in love with one and still love all? Why do you have to be selfish and exclusionary?"

Yeah, why? 

god with an expiration date

Events in my life forced a reckoning with self and I turned to my inner guidance for instruction on how to proceed. The wisdom advice simply recommended I sit with myself for two weeks. That's what I did. I ran through the gamut of thoughts, emotions, pain, sadness, anger, and emptiness. It was a necessary exercise to just let it all come out. I knew at the conclusion of this stage I should do some deep inner work and that would involve Magic Mushrooms. I haven't done a large dose in a while but had a feeling it would be beneficial to directly connect with my shadow, as for me that is the essence of my mushroom experiences. I ended up ingesting close to three grams in one night and the trip was perfect. It was difficult and after an hour I wanted it to stop. I wanted to go to bed and forget the whole thing. Of course, I couldn't and despite the reluctance and wanting out, I am grateful for the five hours in the medicine. The knowledge was other worldly and exactly what I needed. If I could, I'd like to do this more often. I won't though because it is so hard. Why is it hard? In my experience, after about an hour or so the mind overloads itself preparing for what some would call ego dissolution. Personally, I'd call it psyche splintering. My mind separates into two distinct halves. One half is who I think is me and the other half is my shadow. To get to this stage is the hard part. As it is happening it is so uncomfortable, I tend to think I will get stuck in this mindset forever and I couldn't live like this. The overloading of the mind at this point makes you aware of others who live their lives in this state. I seriously could not go on like that and would look for a way to numb myself or end it. So, that's the hard part for me of doing mushrooms. It lasts for about thirty minutes and once I pass it the experience is amazing. That's not hyperbole.

Concurrently during my two-week introspection, I set an intention concerning my mind. I wanted to delve deeper into its nature. It was a constructive exercise where I noticed the mind was like quicksilver. It easily morphed between my distinct psychic selves as well as my heart. I've described these parts of me as first the me that has come forth (Apollo), my shadow (Dionysos), and my heart whom I refer to as the Great Goddess. The mind is the key which unlocks these aspects of me. It freely moves between these aspects of self. I also became aware of mind control where you give up your mind's power to an external puppet master who then controls how you think. You see this everywhere and if your mind is captured you can't escape. The news, social media, and other puppets are constantly regurgitating the triggers for your mind control and when captured you dutifully parrot what it is they want you to believe. So, a step on the road to awakening is to first reclaim your mind from these charlatans. I also observed my mind being captured by baseball. I escaped the hold of life temporarily by going off into the fantasy world of baseball statistics. I put everything on pause and focused attention on the trivial. Anyway, reclaiming your mind from external control is not going to solve all your problems as an undisciplined mind is still going to cause havoc within your personal psychic sphere. My observation of what is going on with my mind was productive and from this I know I can direct my mind towards how I want to be. I have had plant medicine lessons concerning this with Huachuma where the repetitive lessons made me realize it is I who takes myself to heaven and drops myself in hell.

Following my mushroom trip, I remembered a lecture by Ram Dass where he was discussing the relationship of Hanuman to Ram. His guru Maharaji-ji gave him the moniker Ram Dass as a gift to remind him that he is an incarnation of Hanuman the monkey god who serves God - Ram. Ram Dass tells this story from the Hindu epic called the Ramayana:

When Ram asked Hanuman, "Who are you, monkey?" Hanuman replied, "When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you."

The exchange I had with my shadow was along these lines. The trip started out visionary and lasted for about an hour, coinciding with the music I was listening to. I have noticed in my exploration this is the pattern with visionary medicine where I will get the introductory visions followed by introspection that occurs in the form of dialog. My recent experience with Ayahuasca is similar. Anecdotally, I would surmise it is the onset of the DMT contained within the Ayahuasca brew and the psilocybin in the mushroom which initially takes hold. Following the visions is the tough part where I become distinct compartmentalized bastions of self and then can dialogue with self. I choose the me that has come forth and externalize the Goddess and the shadow. In the case of Huachuma, on my last trip I went further and externalized my multiple traits within all the members of the travelling party I was with. It was interesting to see the amalgamation of the sum of who I am present within others. The experience with Ayahuasca and Magic Mushrooms seems more psychically contained. The difference to me is the mystical nature of each. Ayahuasca has more of a mystical feminine vibe to the ceremony. Mushrooms are no nonsense. I would describe them as more masculine though I know the Goddess can make an appearance and she has done so just to remind me to not put experiences in a box.

Following the visionary aspect was the ego dissolution or more accurately a short circuiting of my mind. I was then in my shadow's presence, and his initial greeting was an observation of the trip to get here this time. "You're not scared anymore." He acknowledged that the usual fright I give myself getting to this place and then being in his presence was absent. It is true psychedelics don't scare me anymore. Of course, there is a little apprehension upon the decision to use them but once in it I'm good. I have come a long way in my ten years. I knew when I transformed into a jaguar during an Ayahuasca ceremony I could handle whatever was thrown my way. I see clearly now my shadow is that jaguar and was recognizing at the time as I merged with him that I could succeed on this path of knowledge.

The last time in his presence on Magic Mushrooms involved me psychoanalyzing him for a long time. I kept wanting to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. I listened, held space, and consoled him. He is power personified and a raging unquenchable storm, continually creating and destroying as an outlet for the surging energy within. On the other hand, I could easily retire to the forest and live a nice peaceful and quiet existence. I was prepared this time to offer myself once again as a good listener and offer solutions to his problems. The opposite happened. I came here this time because I'm the one with the problems and so he put on the lab coat of the psychotherapist and got down to business.

"Who am I? Why am I like this?" My shadow kept reducing me down to my base program and then I saw myself as this wiggly energetic worm. Kind of disgusting but the template for all of us humans. Since I'm no longer scared of him there is this bond between us, and he feels like he can share with me all the secrets that no one is ready to accept or even want to contemplate. He is the divine masculine, God if you will. He said that I am him. We are the same. I saw it and completely understood. Little old me. I'm one of his countless avatars in the universe. I woke up in this lifetime and found my way back through the unnavigable labyrinth. I know the game. When we die, we become him (or her) fully and completely. That's all. We are everything. Each avatar has characteristics of the father or mother while adding in free will. Nobody has gotten as far as I have in seeing all this. Some have reached this stage and seen it but will not accept it for several reasons. Culture and denial being at the forefront. Can't blame them, why would you want to? It's a big responsibility, and the grandiosity of self and narcissism needed is off the charts! The ones that see it and accept it, can't handle it, and end up in the psych ward. Then there's me.

A couple of hours into this trip and I went for the I'm God routine because I fully felt it. I know that feeling because I also noticed later when it wore off as the night progressed, I returned to little old me. I'd accept that the use of these consciousness altering substances fully releases my psychosis which allows me to not only think I'm God but to feel it. It's crazy and it keeps happening. When I come down from being the most high, I can readjust and know I'm okay, that I haven't gone mad. I've worried about this but during this experience I was witness to becoming God and then feeling it wear off to the point where I was like well that was cool but I'm me again.

The thing about the mushroom trip is that by cracking open my inner self and splitting out my shadow I can converse with him, and he is the all. I saw it completely. I saw how I'm him, but I'm not supposed to know I'm him. That's why at first, he kept chasing me away and threatening me with annihilation, but I kept coming back and exploring. I got past the fear, he let me in, and now lets me have a look around. My brilliant mind in this fucked up container called Paul can probe him like no other. So, this trip he showed me it all. I'm God with an expiration date. Wow.

I also realized my shadow marvels at how I was able to access the Great Goddess. Nobody gets in to see her and yet I did it. They are amid the great cosmic divorce, a separation that creates the universe and will make the reconciliation the blissful renewal this divorce promises. But here was I, a lowly avatar of the man she loves, searching for her in earnest of my own accord and then following the clues towards finding her. When she saw into my soul and intentions, she let me into her chamber. She made love to me like no other as she knew I was him, playing the fool honestly.

And that's the thing about my incessant search for meaning - I don't have to search anymore. I know all the answers I obsessively wanted to get. I don't have to sit for hours alone contemplating what this is all about. I know what it is all about. I'm free to play.

The duration of this trip was from 1am to 6am before sleep. Time moves slowly under this intoxication. The knowledge poured out is unbelievable for this brief period. It is a lifetime in a night - a wordplay on my friend Parker describing the Huachuma experience as, "A lifetime in a day." I sensed coming back to Paulville and no more grandiose thinking. Me and my problems. Understanding why I sabotage relationships. Clearly seeing the subtle clues freely given by others that my actions were upsetting. Pushing people away. Try to stop it. Showing me how impressionable children are. Replaying events from my youth that molded me. Things I would laugh at now which as a young boy scarred me and made me withdraw from the world. I just wanted to be alone and not have to endure the unpredictability of those that held power over me.

These mushroom trips are the 10 years of therapy in a night deal. They show you the answers you are looking for. As with all this inner work, it's up to you to integrate it into your life. You make the changes. Some of it is hard and some easy but you know what you need to do. You are shown the influences that made you who you are. You can say poor me, it's their fault I'm like this or you play the hand you're dealt. Thank all for who you are. I wanted to find answers in this lifetime. I did it because of everything that has happened for me. I climbed an unclimbable mountain back to self. The Mount Everest of the psyche. Do I know it all? No, but I've seen what I wanted to see. What do I have left to do in this lifetime? I know it is all about love. My actions must show I've learned that lesson. I need to dedicate my life to being in service to love. Be kind to others. Say pleasant things to them. A word of encouragement goes a long way. I've seen it at work.

When in the presence of my shadow I asked what his role is. He said he does service work. He grants favours to those that ask, and he creates events which fulfill the mission statement of self-discovery. Suffering is a big part of it and the catalyst for change as well as seeing what you're made of when faced with adversity. He is in service to himself. When you're the all is there another path that doesn't involve you since you are everything? All this is service to Her. The Great Goddess, who is love. In service to letting this drama play out so we can continue to discover through this grand play who we are and our strengths and weaknesses. When we are finished, we will once again come together and end it. A bond further strengthened through self-discovery. It's all us. Ultimately, I show I'm ready and she accepts me back.

My shadow as the great magician tells me this: I grant them favours in service, so they don't wake up and see they are me. I present as an external force ready to fulfill their desires with the cost being to trap them in this world of form. It's what they want. They need to head on straight into their greed, take their fill of pleasure, but suffer at the emptiness of it all. The outcome of the granting of wishes is service to the heart. The Great Goddess is imprisoned in that familiar castle made of gold and repeated forays into the selfish fulfillment of your desires must eventually get through so that you see it. Love is the answer, and this is my path of service.

My path of service is the path of the heart. The take and give of reciprocity is a universal axiom, even between the divine and human. God and his underling. I asked for something and in return he asked me to do something. Walk the path of the heart for your mother. Service, regardless of whether I am the all or just little old me.

The next morning, I fully understood. When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you.

enlightenment travel agent

There's a life balance towards which we all have to pay heed. By this assertion I'm describing our incarnation which involves fulfilling our dreams. Dreams are code for desires. There is a reason we are all in the beautiful freakshow and if you look within you will certainly find it. The balance I am mentioning is due to a concept called reciprocity. We make deposits in this cosmic bank which gives us the capital to pursue our desires. This is a process I've discovered that is never ending and as you progress through life, it just becomes a little more highbrow.

Let me explain further: I went on a spiritual trip at middle age and fell for it hard. I sidestepped the tentacles of culture that are set up to ensnare - you know the church, the eastern disciplines run by westerners, the new age scene, the guy on YouTube with the pretty eyes and all the answers - you know, the whole lot of them. I'm not a joiner and prefer the lone wolf gambit, I'll figure out my own path. It's uniquely for me and I'm not in your shoes so don't take my words or actions as gospel. I became a repository of knowledge and have all the receipts for the accumulation of gobs of knowing. Like a good stew, I then let it marinate while continuing to explore. My path took me from books to getting out in the world and then going into my inner world. I highly recommend the adventure and can help you with a similar itinerary if you wish. I can be your enlightenment travel agent.

There's no certificate for enlightenment. Oh, maybe there is. Perhaps some establishment will give you a piece of paper extolling your spiritual accomplishments after you give them a chunk of change. The point I'm making is if you have an independent streak, no one is going to bestow the title of enlightened upon you and furthermore because it is so nebulous and undefined, you'll always be twisting in the wind wondering if you can now mingle with the holy set. Allowing others to anoint themselves is bad for the spiritual business. As with all human endeavours, we need to appeal to an authority with the power to bestow honourifics.

What I'm getting at, tongue in cheek, but with a lot of truth based on my journey is that intuitively you will know when you know. What is it that you know? You know who you are. You know why you are here. You know the path forward. You want to help others see it and allow them to progress at their own pace.

A cold plunge isn't going to bring you to enlightenment. You know what will? Sinking into your many faults and making the mirror so present you will see it. Overload yourself with what makes you repeatedly fall down to the point you finally acknowledge it. Then the real work can begin where you transform those faults into strength. You walk through the fire and before perishing you turn yourself into a woman or man of steel.

I'm writing about this because the time is at hand. I have wanted to be of service and give back. I didn't know how to do this. I'm not an extrovert and struggle playing the game of wanting to help groups of people. Frankly, I suck at it. I couldn't start a men's club or a spiritual group. I'd hate it and look for a way out.

I wrote this a few months before my recent trip to Peru. I re-read it recently and it sums up my path of service:

I live a good life. Giving back involves service. I have gifts I can share with those who are looking for answers. I can give them knowledge and understanding and steer them in directions which will help them find what it is they are looking for. I've been through the fire and came out the other side. Fulfillment of the spiritual path is the most difficult undertaking of your lifetime, propelling you through challenges and encounters with the darkest of the dark. Making good choices always works out. Once you see the answer to the multitude of tests, you can let go of the fear and find your way.

I have life capital I can use to invest in others. I can hoard what I have as security against whatever is coming my way, or I can start spreading it around now. I can die with millions in the bank or Be Here Now in service. I've discovered the secret for my happiness. It's to be free. You need some coins to be free, but not a lot. The road ahead is well illumined. That's the startling point of this whole trip. I expected a trip into the fog of not knowing and mystery. The clarity is razor sharp.

My path forward is one of service for those who want to know. Service to the Great Goddess and to show the way towards healing and fulfillment of desires. You are free to call those desires your life mission. I will be a guide and point the way towards wholeness of self.

el brujo

It seemed predestined that I'd eventually make it to a place on the northern coast of Peru called, "El Brujo." It is an ancient site on the Pacific Ocean where the Moche culture of pre-Columbian South America held power. At this site human sacrifices were performed in conjunction with the awesome display of power emanating from the winds blowing off the ocean. The formation of the powerful and cyclical El Niño is off the coast of this magical place. The Dragon once again would be summoned to destroy the chains enacted by incarnation and humanity.

Last decade at the Amazon jungle retreat SpiritQuest, I'd sit and listen to the Otorongo Blanco and Grand Huachumero Maestro Choque Chinchay don Howard in his orientation talk of power and what would we do if we acquired power? Surely, we would want to control outcomes and feed our desires. He'd talk about this before the segue into being of service. I was very curious about this aspect of the plant medicine journey, but for the longest time I had no idea what he was talking about. He warned that by entering a relationship with the magical plants, we could acquire power. The power was always ours; we were just embarking upon a path which would unlock it. Within our intentions we offer something to the spirit of the plants and in a reciprocal arrangement they give you a boon. It's not something you pick up on at first. Within ceremony, I encountered situations where what you perceive as malevolent spirits offer power in exchange for you giving them something back in return. I declined all those offers.

I kept at it long enough and went through my own trials and tribulations within the plant medicine experience. I continually stayed on the straight and narrow in pursuit of the Great Goddess and sidestepped the question of power. It served me well as I acquired knowledge of these realms and what these trips into your inner world were revealing. I had been witness to the the magic of the Great Goddess and what she had done for me ostensibly because I honoured and exulted her despite cultural barriers and misogyny that had buried her for two thousand years. Along the same lines of straying from the script, I started knocking on the door of the Dragon and wondering what he was all about. I befriended him mostly by just listening and holding space. Why the anger and the rage? By now, I understood and knew that it was me and in order to become whole I would need to integrate my darkness and light into a unified whole.

I remembered sitting with don Howard while he told tales of Chavín and the journey through time he'd take his consciousness students through. I see it clearly now that he knew. He was a man of knowledge, but he played it with a sly hand. He never came out and said it directly but in retrospect I look at how humble he was and stand in awe. Of course, he would hint at it and tell stories of all the small-time brujos that litter the streets of Iquitos, but he would never play his own cards. He was of service and not in it for self-aggrandizement. I pulled this information off his old website which described the particular trip to El Brujo:

The Mesa of Power will be experienced on the beach near a remarkable archeological excavation-in-progress named for the extraordinarily powerful and raw elemental energy present there. Located here are three ancient Moche ceremonial pyramids, huacas, where once was conducted human sacrifice to abate the cyclic fury of El Niño. Given the location and orientation of the pyramids, it is likely they served as cosmic batteries storing the elemental energy derived from the sea and wind, and perhaps also repositories of human life essence captured during the human sacrifice practiced there for centuries.

He then went on to describe in more mystical detail this awesome place:

Mesada of Power. Moche Culture. The electrifying Mesa of Sorcery.

On the beach near ancient 2,000-year-old Mochica ceremonial pyramids, a Mesa on a grande scale. One a place of sacred human sacrifice, the other a place of sacred human procreation. An awesome metaphysical generator of powerful life-giving energy, the two working together to create a balance of life and death on an unprecedented scale. All to propitiate the awesome power of the El Niño climatic phenomenon on the northern coast of Perú.

Contemplating the nature of Power - Must it always corrupt? What are the benefits and risks? Can you stand the test? Primary elemental energies are wind and sea.

My pilgrimage to El Brujo commenced at the opportune time. It was the perfect storm where I knew of magic and sorcery after having clued into its underpinnings in my previous trip to Peru in 2020, just before the worldwide pandemic shut down society. My personal story which ignited at El Brujo involves the destruction of my old self, a sacrifice I had contemplated for a while. The whispers of my shadow during a Huachuma ceremony in 2020 let me know it is possible and needed. In a boat I glided across the Amazon River, high on Huachuma, and my shadow whispered to me, "Kill yourself in order to live." Then came Covid and three years to sit with this advice. My shadow had the intention to eventually stick the knife in, at the time he just planted the seed and then made plans to take me to a place where we could ceremonially do the deed. Rebirth awaited with the Mesa at El Brujo offering life-giving energy for not only the self to be reborn but to create anew. Events were accelerated, the magic was palpable as I looked into the eyes of another, and the spark of new life was ignited symbolically and to come in the flesh.

I connected events of the day back to the divine feminine and masculine searching for each other through waves of time and cycles of appearance. We are always present but appear in different life forms. The song of our lives is the unique vibratory signature that binds us together. No matter where we are, we will find each other through song. The vibration of wanting will reverberate throughout the cosmos, striking a chord within which will draw us back together. I knew we were to meet up at the pyramids. Turns out this time it was the ceremonial Mochica pyramids where on a beach the outer shell was cracked, and we looked into each other's hidden self. There was instant recognition and a familiarity of knowing. Obstacles were placed in the way because a challenge is always in the offing. A sacrifice must be made to acknowledge and consummate the recognition of the eternal game we play as lovers. We share a dream that reverberates through eternity, drifting apart, and in our desperation once again calling out to one another.

Can you stand the test? The words of don Howard echo through my being. Progressing through the stages of the realization of the power you unearthed ranges at first from noticing things start happening for you instead of to you. What you need to succeed is put on your plate. The desires that animate you are given a chance of fulfillment. You can eat at that trough if that's what you want. Eventually, it dawns upon you. I know of this power I possess. In my case, I did the work and instead of externalizing the power and being subject to conditions of its use, much like the magic genie in the bottle, I realized it is I who holds the magic. I don't need to enter a Faustian bargain for power, power that was always mine to begin with. The realization coincided with the test. I wrote that it was funny that when humans get in any kind of position of advantage, the first thing they think about is accumulation. I wasn't knocking it because it is an instinct we need to survive. I was no different and witnessed thoughts that drifted into the territory of monetarily taking advantage of what I have unearthed. I was too caught up in the unveiling to notice the test had begun. The expectation is for all of us game players to first entertain thoughts of controlling outcomes and getting all that is wanted. Within a few weeks, events unfolded in my life that required my attention. I sat in meditation concerning them and my intentions and prayers turned towards wanting to help others and be of service. I didn't do it consciously as in needing to pass a test. It was what I wanted. I soon realized this was the test. I passed.

I remembered being taught to have an intention and reciprocity. I wanted something for myself. I wanted to continue down the path of discovering the hidden secrets of consciousness and magic. This feels like the correct way of going about this whole acquisition of power gambit. I acquire power, give it away, ask for more to be revealed, and further use it to be of service. Do I need to live like a King? It's enough to know I am the King, living a life as a commoner, then discovering I can help others, and that is the greatest gift of all.

Oh, El Brujo - Can I stand the test? I like to think I did. Thanks don Howard for guidance and this gift.

pure and holy

What is the meaning of becoming pure and holy? Because of my cultural upbringing, I envision this state as being embodied by one who has transcended all worldly desires. A holy man is a renunciate and an ascetic. Basically, you self-hypnotize in order that the siren calls of the flesh are bypassed. If the adoration of the masses for your beatitude isn’t fulfilling, at least you know that you have a modicum of control over your degenerate self and can run out the clock on this human experiment. You’ll get your reward later.

That’s a pretty crass take on the spiritual path and its propensity for creating hypocrites. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with my own multiple failures? I’m guilty; hell, I still have desires that rise from my depths. What to make of them? That’s a tough one to sit with because I do tend to think they are not rational however they sure do make me feel alive. Suppressing them because of cultural constraints or because of the expectations directed towards one walking a spiritual path seems to go against what I preach. What do I preach? Liberation. Break free of others and their hang-ups they are putting upon you. They are in the same boat but through projection and transference they escape and create an aura around themselves that is impenetrable. You pay the price for the guilt trip they lay upon you. Bad vibes, man.

Being brutally honest is a great exercise. I say give it a try. I walk this path and the signs keep reminding me to be of service. It’s for the good of all and I made a promise to this effect. How much is enough? Really, I’m asking. I can generate wealth and I share it among family members. I’m the rock that keeps that construct rolling. Without me it falls apart. I give without much complaint though I reserve the right to occasionally grumble. I house a pet dog who really has no monetary value and instead I perpetuate her good life through unselfishly giving up my time and wealth to give her comfort. I once thought I was selfish because I’m not 100% of service. There are many paths of service. I think a good rule of thumb is to try and not be an asshole. Our natural tendency to help then blossoms. It’s true - people love to help. Even the stranger stuck on the highway with a broken-down vehicle will have a Good Samaritan stop to help. It’s funny when you look at your life and realize the great sacrifices you have already made for many others. Perhaps a kind word here or there now that you’re an elder will suffice. Sometimes, that is all someone needs for their flower to blossom.

Anyway, what the hell am I getting at in this observational piece? It has to do with becoming pure and holy. I think I have some kind of answer. The answer is to chase and fulfill your desires. Fill your plate full of shrimp at the buffet and gorge on them until you puke. This a method that works because desires come and go like the addiction to the song that is playing in your head. Eventually you tire of it. For sure, you then move on to the next addiction. I understand that’s what we do. Can you see why now that we repeatedly incarnate? The desire is too strong, and we haven’t fulfilled all that tempts us to return. That’s why I’m wary of walking the holy man route. They are going to come back, and the pulse of desire will be even stronger. I say becoming holy and pure is achieved through desire fulfillment. The path I walk is a path of power; well, the paths all lead to power, however one direction results in you using it for gain and fulfilling all your worldly desires. It’s quite the siren call when you see it. A deal with the devil and a surrendering of autonomy will result in your shadow putting you on the path towards self-glorification and acquiring great gobs of power. Imagine given that opportunity! The other path leads toward you becoming power. It’s a longer climb and the road is sometimes foggy. But you are free, and this freedom becomes power. There’s no need to use this power to fulfill desires. Power is no longer a commodity to be used; instead, you are power; you are it.

Knowing you are it leads to another important concept to grasp on the meandering trail. It involves stopping the consuming of self-help and step into your power. There are many kiosks and road-stands set up for you as you walk the spiritual path. For the most part, they contribute to the knowledge base which is very valuable; however, they don’t have the answer and ultimately, they are biased towards their path. The problem is you aren’t walking their path. You’re walking yours. Having a belief in someone else’s beliefs isn’t going to do you a lick of good. What it is you seek is your truth. Your truth is as unique as each falling snowflake. The only way to get to it is to look within yourself and from your perspective you will get the answer. You may not like it, but the destination reveals the truth. The obstacles placed in your path, sometimes in the form of religion, force you to liberate yourself through whatever means necessary. Without this freedom, you never arrive at your truth.

Being pure refers to power lit up by desire; desire being a raging fire that has burned off the dross in the furnace of hell. Power becomes the calm lake at dawn before the events of the day stir up the waves. So peaceful and pure. Being holy is the gift of love from the Goddess. Love tempers power and thus why I walk the pure and holy path to that power.

commuted

If you make near and dear friends in prison, then do you leave when your sentence is commuted? If your release from prison will hurt the ones you love, do you still do it or do you remain in prison with them? Maybe you leave so that they know to follow when it is their time. The weight on the heart must be great when you sense the truth and are shown the door to the freedom for which you have longed and waited while in chains.

The jailer and I are now friends. He has given me the key and I can leave if I want to. Why am I still here? I busy myself with attachments which mostly revolve around taking care of my responsibilities as head of a household. I keep involved with trivial matters in order to maintain a purpose. I don't want to let anyone down, nor do I want to extinguish the flame completely. I need a few things to light me up in order to stay invested. Greed doesn't do it anymore; I want to get rid of stuff. Food has become just a utility. Lust is cyclically interesting, but the attraction has run its course. I don't envy others as I know they don't know they are in prison. It goes back to the idea that you are in hell and how embarrassing it would be to find out you became famous in hell. Do I have pride? I take pleasure in a job well done. Ultimately, I know all will pass and to rest on your laurels is fools gold. I've never seen the purpose of rage and taking revenge on others. I have slowly learned to let it go and disengage. Do I want to head into the sunset of retirement and consume what is rightfully mine? Do I want to waste away while others serve me? I can't see that happening as being of service to others is where I have found anything that sustains a passion for life. I don't like the feeling of being a burden.

I just enumerated the seven deadly sins. They are a good guide towards understanding attachment and what keeps you in prison. The chance of fulfillment of desire is the drug that keeps you hypnotized so you don't see the bars on your jail cell. When you first see your chains, you will deny it. You will not believe it is so and run back to your master. Freedom is scary and will cause a great upset. Such a thing happened to me. I remember returning to work after scaring myself with losing my chains and feeling relief. I just wanted things to go back to how they were. I felt I never should have gone exploring. Eventually, I returned to the perturbation of consciousness, again the veil was lifted, and this time I broke the spell.

I laugh because it's what I wanted though it causes the game to lose its meaning. I wanted to know, and the result was the purpose of the game evaporates. We are here to fulfill our desires. The carnival of the seven deadly sins allows us to get our fill. When you tire of the carnival you are free to leave. Chains are a device of your own making. You put them on, and you can take them off when you are ready.

I have walked the path back home and the garden of the heart is just up ahead. It's the next turn-off on the highway of life. What's left? I've gone through the gamut of possibilities, and I've seen the answer. To remain is to be of service in order to wake up and help the others who want to awaken. To lead by example and if someone is curious about the path then to offer help. No two paths are the same and so I can point someone in the direction that will lead them to the difficult truth, if that is what they seek.

satan and me

I think if I really understood what awaits me, I'd pack my things and leave tonight. It's my karma to stay and to see my attachments to their completion. I get it. The next stage of the adventure can wait a little longer while I fulfill my duties. Para el bien de todos. I have seen the template and how it is done. Parker is unselfish and wanted to pass the torch. It's hard to accept he's gone, but slowly I'm getting understanding.

I felt Parker's presence today while out in nature. I brought some Nunu snuff, which is uncured tobacco ground up into a powder. I have more experience with cured tobacco snuff, and I have noticed Nunu burns less. I snorted a good one up my right nostril, probably the most I've ever done at once. Immediate tears to my eyes. As the discomfort subsided, I felt him with me. He is free as a bird and tells me how I'm going to love it. He was ready to leave earth and then it happened. He will be with us when mi hermanos y hermanas go to Peru. He is so happy we are still going. It's going to be epic. We are star people. You'll see.

I've told the story of the first time I drank Ayahuasca several times. The Great Goddess immediately told me to come away with her and I declined. I knew it meant leaving my body and Earth behind and I was definitely not ready. I told her I had a family to support and knowledge to discover. I had my attachments for sure. I know they are what keeps me here. She understood and said she'd wait. I feel the same with Parker as he was ensuring me that death is not so bad, and I picture him saying it with a grin. He always seems to go first and do the heavy lifting. I'm older, but he is more the big brother type. He's the set-up man.

I haven't told the story about my third time drinking Ayahuasca as much as the first. It's uncomfortable and not culturally acceptable, so I am hesitant to retell it. I was in contact with the dark face of God, i.e., Diablo, and he offered me untold power over all the universe, like in the Gospels when he takes Jesus up to the top of the mountain and offers him power over all the world. Instead of the world, I got offered the universe. I'd be the leader of a bunch of misogynist galactic misfits who rule over creation. I was delightfully naive and said I didn't want that. I entered the occult to find the Great Goddess. These sideshows of power were continually distracting me. I wanted to see her again. But I mention this because when you find the doorway beyond the veil chances are you are going to be offered power, and most people are going to jump at the chance of even a little bit of power. I had told Parker this story and he relayed a similar story about being offered power. I was always going to be a tough nut to crack so I got offered the big prize. And I declined it. I met Jesus two days later. I'm not kidding.

The next time I was in direct contact with Satan is when I went back to Peru two years later. When I drank Ayahuasca again he was waiting for me. He threatened to kill me and said I wouldn't get home alive. He definitely wasn't pleased that I returned. He thought he had scared me away for good. He threatened my family, and I said do what you must, even kill me. I'll sign whatever you want me to but leave them out of it. The challenge ended before I signed on the dotted line to give up my soul. It was a test of my intentions, and I was willing to sacrifice my life to ensure no one was affected by my choices. When I drank Ayahuasca again two nights later, the Great Goddess returned and told me he won't bother me again. He hasn't regarding power and temptation, but I still had to clear my fear of him. Eventually, I passed the tests, became a warrior, and then explored my darkness. We are now best friends. This admission is an explanation of the tests which involve gobs of power to really see what I was made of. I know I passed them with flying colours. I know I'm not in this for money, fame, fortune, or power. My intentions were made clear.

Service seems like the only way forward. It solves all my problems I still struggle with. Money is a big one in thinking I need it for security in my old age. I can let it go and support others in their journey, hopefully leading them towards what I have found. I know you have to burn through your desires before you can get down to business. I can use my money to help my loved ones live out their dreams. Dreams are code for desires, and it is desire that brings us here to Earth. I want those I love to fulfill their desires. Project this out to the Great Mother and see the Earth is a place where her children can fulfill all their dreams. If I started a school for spiritual fulfillment, I would model the introductory courses upon Tantric practices. I'd amp up the chances of fulfilling your carnal desires, so you get your fill and then see you are still empty. All calories and no nourishment. Then they will see the emptiness and look for answers.

Earth is the place for you to satiate your lusts. This is why you are here and the gatekeeper, jailer, or whoever you wish to call him is Satan. Satan makes sure that your actions create the distressing amount of suffering on our planet. Suffering is built into the Earth game. After getting our fill, there is a chance we wake up. We can't escape the take. The best we can do is practice reciprocity. When we take, we give back.

I live a good life. Giving back involves service. I have gifts I can share with those who are looking for answers. I can give them knowledge and understanding and steer them in directions which will help them find what it is they are looking for. I've been through the fire and came out the other side. Fulfillment of the spiritual path is the most difficult undertaking of your lifetime, propelling you through challenges and encounters with the darkest of the dark. Making good choices always works out. Once you see the answer to the multitude of tests, you can let go of the fear and find your way.