dogmatic unravelling

In my youth, I never had much time for the Bible. I concluded religion was superstition, wishful thinking, and not rational. Religion had its uses in being able to inculcate within a group of people a like-minded belief system which would allow them to stay together as a cohesive nation. The Old Testament and the twelve tribes of Israel is such an example which brought together the Israelites to form a nation who worshipped the god Yahweh. Looking back at the impact of the Old Testament, it really is an exquisite template for nation building in addition to holding the nation together through the trials and tribulations of history. In contrast, the New Testament brings together many nations under the umbrella of Christianity, which crosses ethnic bounds, and can become a worldwide unifying force through the power of Jesus Christ. So, I see the utility in such methods of nation building and bringing together disparate groups of people through belief systems.

In my own spiritual education, I recently wrote the final exam on the two brothers within my masculine psychic makeup. Within, I see the light and the dark and I stopped identifying with one at the expense of the other. As with everything, my makeup reflects the two which create a triad. I am three. I am the one from the two and the two are who I am. My masculine self is the sum of the two brothers of the light and darkness within. Furthermore, my relationship to the feminine divine recreates unity and I’m that unity. I subdivide into feminine and masculine and bring the dualistic universe to life. Go forth and multiply!

Ultimately, in psychological terms, I am sick. I have multiple identities you could say, though identities isn't the right word for the condition. They just are appearances of self upon the eternal cycling wave of manifestation. They are really who I am minus identity. Identity is the purview of the divine actor who is me. This actor is so good at his craft he has us all fooled. I don’t even know if I’m the actor because I’ve totally bought into the character and role. Internally, I take the two brothers and try to balance them out which creates the actor on this stage of life. The actor has an internal protagonist and an antagonist thus the drama can commence with the necessary tools for a good story and adventure. I play it small because I assume this personality and go about my daily business playing this inconsequential being in a vast universe trying to make something of myself. It's very funny because I now know the opposite is true. The two brothers who comprise my inner psychic world combine to become the masculine everything. I use the term "masculine everything" because I don't want to call myself god as that turns people off. So, yeah, I'm god. I am the masculine life force that brings this whole construct into existence and then gets lost, so I don't know who I am. I then have an adventure.

Why two? It’s simple. Manifestation into this world of form requires objectification and therefore we are all dualistic constructs. We are hyper aware of differences and delineate through our senses. Why would the descent of god into form be any different? He is two. He is the light and the dark. God is the two brothers who are my essence. When I recognize this totality, I become him. When I play it small, I am a tiny speck in a vast and unknowable universe.

It's very funny to me because our ego identifies with whom you have been told you are from the day you were born. You are given an identity and have to carve out a place in the world to become somebody because you are nobody. We strive to make it in this world. It's an exquisite game when you think about it once you have discovered who you really are. Becoming nobody once again will lead you to the truth.

Anyway, I know in this lifetime my inner most desire and subsequent adventure I wanted to have concerns solving the puzzle of life. I wanted to see if I could figure out the mystery. I initially laid down the parameters for the game such as being born into a peaceful and prosperous country in a middle-class family. I gave myself the intelligence to be successful at whatever I chose to be in life, and I tempered this with a lack of ambition. My avatar as constructed was a pre-incarnation stroke of genius. In hindsight, I could have maximally monetized my smarts and led a life of excess and trivial desire fulfillment once I figured out my power. However, I wanted none of that. I wanted to be left alone to my thoughts and this eventually led me to the mystery after 40 years of sleepwalking through life.

I found the particular methods I needed to master in order to get the answers I was searching for. There's another pitfall to be avoided at this point. Eventually, you see this great power available to pretty much get whatever you want. All my fleshly inner desires, which are like trips to the carnival in that they fulfill sensory pleasure, I manifested at this point. I was getting everything I wanted that I had suppressed. The pull of the mystery still held sway over me, and I let the desires fall by the wayside however tempting and intriguing they appeared to be. I then got the answer to the mystery.

So, I see the answer encoded in many religions, myths, and fairy tales yet no one understands them because we have externalized the inner journey and fail to see who we really are. We are all god in drag playing a peculiar game of not knowing. Some beliefs systems do teach of our divinity, but the intellectual pursuit seems to stop at that point and the likelihood of going further seems to end. No one seems to connect to the dualistic manifestation of god on this plane of existence and treats him as one. Unity is the holiest of the holy. On the other hand, I'm an Einsteinian in that perception is reliant upon perspective and this includes god.

This understanding has allowed me to look with fascination upon the Holy Bible. The Old Testament and New Testament combining into one book is interesting in that the sum really does point to the answer to the mystery. It's so amazing because the understanding has been lost yet I see it and it's glorious. The world at large will never recover this knowledge because the idea of God and Jesus are taught in a way where there is no way you will see what I see. I will briefly lay out what I'm talking about, and you can say I'm deluded and have concocted this interpretation to fit my storyline and that's okay. I'm cool with it.

Yahweh is the alpha shadow within us all. He demands worship and conformity. He was the one who brought this dualistic world to life, separating the firmaments, punctuated by "Let there be light!”

Genesis chapter 1 (King James Version):

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

The darkness released the light. The shadow needs the light in order to appear. Light creates duality.

God demands worship. He gives us commandments and requirements that must be followed upon penalty of death. This is nation building which rallies around deity. The required worship is designed so that you never forget. Your world is inundated with Yahweh, and you share this duty to always remember him with everyone else.

Yahweh is unrelenting and has no room for dissent. He is indignant and will fly into a rage at a moment's notice. Yahweh is the dragon. Whoa! Wait a minute. God is love and light. What are you talking about? Let me share some bible verses from the patriarchs and prophets.

Exodus chapter 19 (King James Version):

18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.

Ezekiel chapter 22:

20 As they gather silver, and brass, and iron, and lead, and tin, into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it; so will I gather you in mine anger and in my fury, and I will leave you there, and melt you.

21 Yea, I will gather you, and blow upon you in the fire of my wrath, and ye shall be melted in the midst thereof.

22 As silver is melted in the midst of the furnace, so shall ye be melted in the midst thereof; and ye shall know that I the Lord have poured out my fury upon you.

In the opening chapter of Nahum is dragonesque imagery of earthquakes, melting hills, and a scorched earth which is followed by more excellent dragon imagery, as Yahweh pours his fury out as fire and throws rocks down at those that do not obey.

5 The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt,

and the earth is burned at his presence,

yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.

6 Who can stand before his indignation?

and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger?

his fury is poured out like fire,

and the rocks are thrown down by him.

2 Samuel chapter 22 is quite the dragon sighting as smoke pours out of Yahweh's nostrils and then he breaths fire. Additionally, Samuel poetically describes Yahweh sweeping through the heavens upon the wings of the wind.

7 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried to my God:

and he did hear my voice out of his temple,

and my cry did enter into his ears.

8 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations of heaven moved

and shook, because he was wroth.

9 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

10 He bowed the heavens also, and came down;

and darkness was under his feet.

11 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

and he was seen upon the wings of the wind.

12 And he made darkness pavilions round about him,

dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies.

13 Through the brightness before him

were coals of fire kindled.

Also, in the 18th Psalm we have passages that are comparable to 2 Samuel 22 that describes Yahweh as a dragon with smoke coming out of his nostrils, fire out of his mouth, and riding on the wings of the wind. Darkness surrounds his habitation which is given cover by dark waters and thick clouds; the typical dragon’s lair.

6 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried unto my God:

he heard my voice out of his temple,

and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

7 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations also of the hills moved

and were shaken, because he was wroth.

8 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

9 He bowed the heavens also, and came down:

and darkness was under his feet.

10 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his secret place;

his pavilion round about him

were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies.

12 At the brightness that was before him his thick clouds passed,

hail stones and coals of fire.

13 The Lord also thundered in the heavens,

and the Highest gave his voice;

hail stones and coals of fire.

14 Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scattered them;

and he shot out lightnings, and discomfited them.

No one told you about these excellent descriptions of Yahweh? I've read the Old Testament and the understanding gradually came to me once I dropped prejudice. I see Yahweh for who he is and it's very intriguing. He is great of magic and will grant you what it is you desire and place conditions upon that access to power. Failure to live up to your end of the bargain invites consequences and calamity. Do you understand history? If you do, you can clearly see it.

On the other hand, the New Testament is the counter balance to the shadow of the Old Testament. Jesus Christ is the way and the light. He is the higher self. He is the externalization of the light within us all. His father Yahweh is the darkness from which Christ as the light comes forth. The two are the one, with Christianity teaching the triad by adding in the Holy Spirit so that the truth of the three is contained within the godhead. The Holy Spirit descends upon the human enabling them to share in divinity with the light and the dark thus forming a triad which is the basis for all coming forth in this world of duality. The Holy Spirit allows us to share in divinity.

The construct I laid out at the beginning of this post is trying to explain that you are divine and for a man in this dualistic world this divinity is the two brothers within. The sum of this light and dark comprises the essence of your appearance - your coming forth by day. You can sever this connection and play it small; in other words, be the ego that has something to prove. You can adopt the idea that you are small and insignificant in this vast universe and have to “make it."

Jesus will take on all our burdens; he will heal us and will die for our sins. He is everything you would expect your higher self to be. Jesus hangs out with the down and out, the whores and the thieves. This is us. It’s a clever way of saying within all of us is Jesus and he will befriend you no matter how degenerate you are. He will forgive you.

This understanding of the Old and New Testament, which is uniquely my own, has allowed me to reconcile with these world religions instead of dismissing them as patriarchal remnants of a superstitious past. As with all great belief systems, there is an exoteric and esoteric component within them all. The exoteric is for the masses who don’t have the spiritual acumen to make the connections to their inner world and power. The esoteric is marvellously hidden and is constantly unveiling its mystery the deeper you go. This is the exciting part of the journey in that it seems there’s always more.

methodology

The sub-culture of psychedelic users is a fascinating study. I’m not of the joining type so I don’t seek out fellow explorers or join clubs and I tend to keep the community at arm’s length. I prefer to go it alone and keep the outside influences to a minimum. This is my predicament and I’m not championing it above what is calling out to another. However, I do have to remain true to myself.

One of the constants in the use of mind-altering substances is the importance of set and setting. Set is the condition of the one who is going to undergo the experience and setting is where the alteration of consciousness will take place. The set-up is to ensure your papers are in order so that you will have a good trip. We all want rainbows and unicorns. The bad trip into the darkness where you scare yourself silly and have to run from the Devil is somewhat mitigated.

Ever wonder why there is the continual threat of the bad trip? Could it be that the alteration of consciousness is trying to tell you something? Instead of following the rabbit into the labyrinth of the hidden darkness, we develop strategies that lead us towards the bright light of the higher self; a light so blinding we don’t have to deal with our darkness.

In my experience, that is precisely the reason we focus on set and setting. We are intrigued with inner exploration yet we don’t want to deal with all of it, just the good parts. I remember being so thoroughly beaten up as I counted in my first twelve Ayahuasca journeys that three of them were positive and uplifting and the other nine started out within a deep darkness that the majority of the time remained for the whole night. I was tempted many times to give up the exploration of consciousness through psychedelics because going into this darkness was so difficult and upsetting. I wanted smiles and sunshine and to hang out with the fully realized beings who could teach me to be enlightened just like them and instead I was being continually pummelled.

Would I trade the way this all came about if I could? No. It has been perfect. It’s what I wanted in the deep recesses of my soul. Would I want to go through this fire again? Hell, no! My current incarnation seems similar to the process of consciousness exploration that is unfolding.

So, what I’m questioning is the conventional wisdom in regards to when and where you can alter your consciousness. Obviously, a safe place is a must however I’d be interested in cataloguing the effects of certain environments upon the trip. It is a curious happenstance that I have met beings made of love and light who were basically housed in an old warehouse containing a freight elevator, rusted out plumbing, and the sound of dripping water. This also seems like a good place to have an experience with friends.

Psychedelics help you shed identity and reveal your true nature, if you let them. You have to let go of attachments and prejudices to get to the root of self. It becomes clear who you think you are is a cultural latex wrap enveloping something so much greater.

Psychedelics are just one way to the truth. A method is a method. You find what works for you. Meditation. Psychedelics. Darkness retreats. Religion. Extreme exertion. Breath work. Drumming/Trance. The method gets you in. In combination with the method is figuring out why you think you need a method along with understanding just what you are seeking.

My method is psychedelics because they put me face to face with the mystery. The peculiar thing about their use is I don’t get the answers I’m searching for while using them. Psychedelics give me knowledge but usually I don’t understand it. Over the following few months is when I am gifted understanding of what I experienced in combination with a profound remembering.

The understanding comes to me while not on the drug. The intensive experience gives me enough homework for at least six months though I’m constantly referencing experiences from years ago. I did two mushroom trips last December and now a few months later I’m starting to unravel the bequeathed knowledge. I had my initial takeaways from the trip but as I further examined them and prejudices fell away, I got to their core. I see clearly now what they were teaching me and once I gave up my attachment to who I wanted to be, everything fell into place. I started to see cracks in my narrative a few weeks back and then all of a sudden, the dam burst and I got it. It’s a fascinating process.

And that’s why I would suggest you find a method that works for you. A meditator meditates daily and gradually works their way into the inner sanctum. I take drugs and head straight for the buffet however I only gorge myself once or twice over a six-month period. The rest of the time I’m fasting. I do practice my own form of meditation however it’s not the western style. My meditation consists of daily hikes in the forest along with a nightly ritual at my Mesa after communing with sacred tobacco. This puts me in the space we are seeking.

When I first tried psychedelic drugs they scared me. They also made me very curious. Once I got past the fear, I wanted to do them a lot. I didn’t because my drug of choice was fortuitously a long way away; so, instead, I travelled once a year to the Amazon jungle to do them. This worked out in my favour so I didn’t become one who piles ceremony upon ceremony without ever integrating the experiences because if I had access to them I would have followed the love of ceremony trajectory. Now that I’m experienced with these tools I find I want to do them less and less. I still find them fascinating and a wellspring to explore. I have access to magic mushrooms and could do them every weekend if I wanted however I don’t feel that pull. A couple times a year seems about right.

projections of self

Ever since I began my exploration with psychedelics what has intrigued me to no end has been the darkness or what some may call the lower self and I refer to him throughout this blog space as my shadow. I spent many years and ceremonies fighting him before I had an about face and started to get to know this aspect of self. We are brothers and we continuously fight however now that I’m awake and aware of my psychic split I have been making amends and am on my way towards reconciliation, inner peace, and harmony. I will get there and it will be soon.

I have written a great deal about this relationship and my intent in this post is to not rehash this part of my journey. Rather, I wish to explore what is called my higher self. It is another concept of the psyche and I have for the most part neglected it on this spiritual path of mine. Weird, right? It is strange because it is the ideal everyone on the vaunted and hallowed spiritual path heads towards and considers the pinnacle of spiritual achievement. The good old pure and holy sect. I’m very curious and eventually I do get around to examining all facets of what I have gotten myself into. Nothing is sacred or off-limits, demon or angel. Conceptually, this higher self is resembling the ideal that a great deal of the big religions push upon their flocks as the ultimate in spiritual attainment. I’m referencing here the Buddha Mind and Christ Consciousness. In Christianity, the ideal of Christ as being selfless and loving is tinged with the idea of judgment. You are being judged and are expected to become like Christ and as a human it is an impossible task.

Now, this aspect of judgment leads me to believe the God we humans created can be thought of as the psychological concept of the superego where the superego takes on the role of shepherding you into your place in culture and society and dictates what is expected of you. If you do not live up to these expectations, you are shamed into conforming. From birth to death there is always an authority figure in our lives beginning with our parents until we rebel as we mature. Society and government then assume the role of authority when we give in and decide to play the culture game in order to access the rewards of life. There is always this layer of conforming to someone else’s wishes that prevents us from being really free. So, when we transfer the authority figure onto the religious racket we get the ideal that the parishioners are trying to live up to and failure to do so leads one to believe they have a way to go before they become pure and holy. This understanding of the higher self leads me into thinking that this concept of the higher self we strive for is just another way we have transferred our need for authority onto the spiritual path when in truth the game is to become free.

I get this intuitive feeling that the higher self is an obstacle on the path that obfuscates and prevents you from accessing the inner knowledge of self and who you are that in turn will set you free. It’s an exquisite game and the game board designer was very crafty in throwing in these blocks and wrong turns in the maze of life that prevent you from ever solving the puzzle. The problem always comes from looking externally for the answer. It gets you every time and the ruse of the higher self accomplishes just this task. It points you towards an ideal of spiritual attainment or enlightenment that you will never reach and you devote all your energy to desperately trying to become like Jesus or the Buddha. You remain deferential to this external concept of God as the master ruling authority, to wit the king of the universe, and never realize the real master of the universe is you and you are playing a pretty good trick on yourself.

I see the similarities with my shadow because upon discovery and exploration of my lower self I was warned many times by him to turn back, that he will kill me, and to look no further. Ultimately, he was teaching me courage through transformation of my weak-assed self as in all honesty you are not going to get far on this path without massive helpings of courage and bravery. The exploration of the higher self does not result in overt threats of death but instead places before you an ideal you will never attain and then lords over you your lack of ability to reach the ultimate goal to keep you in your place and you never realize your divinity and connection in this most interesting game called life. It is only when you give up this crazy idea of becoming ultra-holy and spiritual that you get into the inner temple. As long as you cling to the belief in sinlessness you’ll never reach your destination.

These similarities in preventing the self from discovery of just who they are led me to believe the lower self and the higher self are the same psychic entity whom we treat as the other. In essence, the higher and lower self are projections of self. The higher self being something so great that is unattainable and the lower self being all the things about me that I bury. I objectify these traits and create psychic manifestations. I double down on who I think I am and use the higher and lower self to prevent me from seeing the truth. When you see the truth, it means the adventure is winding down because you solved the puzzle. It was fun to keep the game going as long as possible but now you are awake, the cover is blown, and you see past the veil. I look around at my fellow game players and smile because they don’t know. I’ll keep quiet about it and just enjoy the show.

Unfortunately, the show I can only enjoy for so long before I start to question why I did this to myself. I love the adventure and I love puzzles. The hero's journey is this adventure to figure out the riddle and after many incarnations where I lost my life, eventually like the addicted video game player, I made it to the end of the game. I beat the final boss; you know that dragon who kept laying waste to me and making me re-start my game while hopefully remembering some of the pitfalls that had previously tripped me up. So, here I am. I beat the game! It soon became obvious to me what's next on the path. This is my world and it is a mess. Now that I know what this all about, I have an eternal project which involves reconciliation of my opposites and tempering these extremes with love. This will get me out of the mess. I've got forever to accomplish the task. Now that I'm awake it's time to get to it.

higher shadow

By definition, the darkness is mysterious. The lack of light allows for the ability to stay hidden and makes the process of discovery difficult. Most of us like a challenge and after getting past fear, I picked up my sword and went into the depths. Remember when you were a kid and your parents sent you down into the dark basement to get something? You couldn’t get back up out of that hell fast enough. Weird isn’t it?

If I could rig the game so I win all the time it would be satisfying for a while but eventually I’d tire of the game because the outcome is baked into the cards. I’ve been doing the human thing long enough to realize that major leaps of growth in my life have occurred when I have been stressed and had to figure out a way to beat the game. Ram Dass tells a story of his guru Maharaji-ji exclaiming, “All suffering is grace.” The challenge instigated by the suffering spurs us on towards growth. Personally, I had to accept failure as a major part of the curriculum. When I found plant medicines it was a tough road to travel in that the darkness would constantly challenge me all the while I wanted to just hang out in the clouds and live in temporary bliss. Of course, I found a way to vanquish the darkness when it came at me. That part of the game was the catalyst for developing some skills to deliver the outcomes I wanted.

The outcomes I started to ensure eventually led to stasis. That’s my modus operandi; I take the sharp edge off everything and make all events come out even-steven. This in turns allows me to sail through life, avoiding the drama. I’m smart enough to eventually realize my folly and if I wished to continue on this path I’d have to surrender and not try to control outcomes. I always knew that; the maestro would mention surrender and I included it in my mantra when I participated in plant medicine ceremonies however I didn’t always practice what I preached. Once I reached the crossroads where I sat in an Ayahuasca ceremony, blasted with energy, and experienced my ability to control the situation, I realized I had to give it up if I was to continue on the path. So, I had to ask myself: Do I want to continue?

The answer was yes. I had to return to the beginnings of my exploration where I encountered this darkness and engaged in a battle for supremacy. Originally, I never won the battle but I did learn courage and persistence along with strength of character. Looking back on what transpired, it was the challenge of my lifetime and I realized I misread my opponent. I started investigating this shadowy figure and made some astounding discoveries. This is what I’m intent upon exploring.

We don’t see it. By we, I mean spiritual explorers. We tend to divide up the psychological aspect of our human experience. There’s the conscious self we generally call the ego though it seems that we also have a ’true’ self. In addition, there is the goal of becoming or merging with our ‘higher self’ who is the goody-goody in the white robe we aspire to become. Along the path of exploration there is to be done shadow work where we come to terms with what we have buried as well as our deviant nature and checkered past. Apparently, we can transcend that part of us and become a fully enlightened being.

So, what don’t we see? Your shadow is your higher self. We are just confused. I was reading a quote of Ram Dass’ concerning taking up the spiritual path to discover the higher self. The suggestion was to quiet the turnings of the mind and access that intuitive wisdom. It’s perfect advice and should be the outcome of a good meditative practice. Quiet the mind but don’t become a stone Buddha. Start listening to that voice within. Okay, so far so good. Ram Dass’ advice then goes on to implore us to plumb the depths of our beings to find this part of our self. Do you see it now? To find your higher self means plumbing the lower depths. Was Ram Dass confused or was he contributing to the mystery and issuing a challenge to the perceptive spiritual seekers among us? I think I know his intentions.

Here’s the advice from Ram Dass:

Take My Advice

Don’t sell yourself short by thinking you are only your body or your personality, no matter how intriguing and dramatic they may be. For behind them, there lies a more profound part of your true self. Call it ‘spiritual’ or call it ‘higher consciousness’… call it what you will, but… Call it!

One of the doorways to that higher self is through the cultivation of your intuitive wisdom. As you learn to listen to and trust your intuition, you will find a quiet place in the heart of your being that is wise and can guide your actions. One of the things it will remind you of is your interconnectedness to all things. And out of that appreciation will spontaneously arise compassion for those who suffer; for the earth, and for all living things.

When that happens, don’t be overwhelmed by the suffering you see, by the darkness that exists in the human condition. True, there is much of it. But so, too, is there much caring and compassion in the world. Mahatma Gandhi said, “What you do may seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” It is important for yourself, as well as for the balances in the world. As you let your compassion guide you into action to help heal the earth and those who suffer, your very acts will feed your own compassionate heart and in so doing, open the inner gates to knowing your own highest self.

I promise you that plumbing the depths of your being is an unparalleled adventure. I wish you well on the journey.

In Love,

Ram Dass

Everything bad or evil that happens in the world as a result of the presence of human beings we ascribe to the recesses of self that we have failed to integrate into society. We blame the shadow because we never take responsibility for our own actions. Even when we kind of admit it is our fault, in turn we point a finger at the darkness. He’s evil and he made me do it. It’s a convenient scapegoat that allows us to look in the mirror and not recoil in horror at what we have done and our repeated failings. You chase desires. You cause the suffering. You are selfish. It was your choice all along.

The biblical Israelites practiced this form of blame, shame, and scapegoating. Here are some Torah verses from Leviticus chapter 16 (KJV translation) that ritually transfer the guilt of the Israelites onto a horned he-goat.

10 But the goat, on which the lot fell to be the scapegoat, shall be presented alive before the Lord, to make an atonement with him, and to let him go for a scapegoat into the wilderness.

21 And Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit man into the wilderness:

22 And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities unto a land not inhabited: and he shall let go the goat in the wilderness.

In the Sinai wilderness the Israelites transferred all of their wicked deeds onto a goat via the high priest Aaron. The goat, called Azazel, was then cast out from the encampment into the wilderness. The act of transferring or denying our inclination towards malice becomes a bedrock for western man’s religions and attempts to reconcile with his nature. We choose to hate, cause other to suffer, and are forgiven. We transferred the responsibility for this behaviour unto a goat-like figure we developed into a being called Satan who we could then summarily blame. Ultimately, Christianity’s saviour of mankind took upon himself all of our sins and was the scapegoat sacrificed so we could obtain atonement for our wicked ways.

Makes you think; maybe think too much. Cultural indoctrination is indeed a bitch. If I told you where to find the answer to the greatest mystery of all you wouldn’t believe me and perhaps never want to talk to me again. So, like Ram Dass I’ll have to give you subtle and underhanded clues.

centred

We start out in life centred with just the self, full of possibilities, and we create the higher and lower self. The higher self comes from an idealistic and utopian desire which suggests we can transcend the human and become ultra-spiritual, like it is some kind of holy game that we must play. In western culture, the church is the path for a lot of people who need to accomplish this task they have invented and subsequently must climb the ladder to heaven. For others, the church has become an oppressive game and hard to swallow; especially in today’s climate of science and reason. There are also the eclectic and eastern mysteries to spiritually one up the masses, everyone loves the one up game for the rush it brings to ego; alternatively for the atheistic among us are ways to become metaphysical such as being spiritual but not religious. There is even a term for it, SBNR, and the two factions engage in criticism of each other. A simple internet search will get you a front row seat to the accusations hurled at each camp. One is coined lazy and the other dogmatic. Humans are pretty special creatures; always doubling down on their chosen identities! Science has declared god is dead but still wants in the game. We have the current high priest of rational atheism and its revered saints of yesteryear. Science is the idol on which the faith, err I mean the logic, exists. These are all games; more high brow and nuanced versions of the childhood games we played such as cops and robbers or various modern cosplay scenarios. It’s serious and sometimes the fate of your soul rests in the balance which gives it the juice to take over your existence and morph into the meaning of life. Christians have just the one shot at the salvation of the soul! That’s deadly serious. Those who are not playing this game shake their heads in amazement without realizing the cultural and psychological underpinnings and consequences of this mass behaviour. We all need a game or to put it in more polite terms that isn't as condescending: We all need a purpose.

On the other hand, we create the lower self as well. Whatever behaviours or desires we want to explore from cradle to grave, which we are told are culturally taboo or not allowed, are buried. These behaviours go into the hidden closet. A closet that contains no light and therefore these questionable behaviours go dark. They can only come out of the closet when no one or society isn’t looking. We create such a barrier to our dark side which if discovered if can be mortifying for the individual whose lifelong project is laid bare. It’s almost as if we are to have a place we keep things that makes us tick which are reserved for only our purview. In a way, these desires animate our existence as much as the acceptable behaviours we present to the public at large. Oh yeah he loves sports; spends all his free time either playing or watching sports! Let’s face it, though this may be true to an extant, we all have things we love or desire that no knows about or if they do, they are people not involved directly in our lives.

So, that’s the situation at hand. Everything originally radiates from the centre as the self and we create and enable the quest for enlightenment or the descent into hell. Heading full on to either path will bury the other, which is interesting. They are equal on the scale of psychosis. The religious nut though gets a pass. Has anyone ever gone on the ultra-spiritual trip and left it buried? By this, I mean all who quest to become holy make damn well sure everyone knows about it. From what I gather, the primary undertaking of one who does this is to present themselves by actions, dress, and behaviour as now being of the holy crowd. Evangelizing is a normal human trait and for those who are part of an exclusive club there are created ways to let others know you are part of their club. Therefore, I think by definition one who seeks the light lays their amazingness cards out on the table for all to see and basks in the recognition of who they have become; darkness be damned. And the darkness is damned! It becomes the hell region for all the sinners and those who don’t play your game.

I don’t know what the result is of one who heads down the path of darkness. Well, in a way I kind of do. I believe it leads to depravity, insanity, and chaos. The examples are all around us and we define it as pathology and not part of the human condition. We are loathe to accept it as normal. Doesn’t this just continue to perpetuate the madness? Aren’t they as sick as the ultra-spiritual among us? Granted, they do cause much more damage to society. It wasn’t always that way as the crusades, inquisitions, accusations of being an infidel, trials and burnings, and religious wars attest. I would think as a remedy to our proclivity towards both paths which leads to aberrant behaviour we need to integrate all into the human experience and allow the darkness to come out and mix with the light. My ideal of an open and loving society would be inclusive of the whole human condition and celebrate it all. This means bringing the uncomfortable out into the open and recognizing and saying yes and that too. To reconcile all, instead of creating a divide of the holy and the damned, the righteous and the depraved.

The world at large is an accurate reflection of who we are as a species. An apt comparison is the stock market. You may think it is irrational but the market is never wrong. When you realize and accept the paradox of life, it’s time to let a little light in on the dark and conversely take a little shine off the light. Bring everything back to the centre; integrated and reconciled.

being healthily crazy

When you reconcile all back to centre by taking the feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, water, earth, air, and the four directions you reconstitute the axis mundi. It is what you began with and have always had. Ultimately, life is not a quest to discover or attain anything; the journey is a way for you to eventually remember who you once were and reconcile all back to centre. It’s the big game and it’s one hell of an adventure. When you play, awaken, and realize you are everything then you become the I am - the self. You realize there is nothing that is not you. Freedom and liberation in this finite lifetime. From this you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self; it just is.

How about a mythological lesson or two? In classical texts, the terms nusa, nyssa, and nyssi refer to a mountain that is the support stand of heaven, which is the axis mundi. With this information, it's not hard to figure out the Greco-mythical figure of Dionysos is the embodiment of the axis mundi. The ‘dio' part of the name is the connection to divinity. Dionysos is the god of the reconciliation of all. This is the eternal flame, the zoë, and the Great Spirit. The history of Dionysos extends beyond Classical Greek civilization into the Mycenaean period where a reference to the name was discovered in Crete during the Bronze Age Minoan civilization. This is a civilization that extends back in time to 3000 BCE. Why do ancient civilizations has a preponderance of gods and goddesses? Were they superstitious and intellectually inferior, devoid of the reason and logic that our civilization idolizes? My guess is they were more in balance with the dualistic powers of serpent and jaguar that animates the spirit within, instead of valuing and exalting one over the other and consequently losing the knowledge of both. Looking back into history, the evidence reveals the evolution came gradually: goddess and god became just god and eventually that was done away with and replaced by the man. Heralding this event into our civilization was reported by Plutarch who wrote, "The great god Pan is dead!" The news of Pan’s death was announced from the skies to a sailor named Thamus. Paganism, as nature worship, was struck down. The nineteenth century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche exclaimed, “God is dead,” and then proceeded to write a book, ‘The Birth of Tragedy” in which he describes the Apollonian and the Dionysian divide within man and somehow he intellectually accomplishes the act of divorcing them from the gods he had buried. Welcome to man as the godman. Apollo gets top billing now as the bright light of reason and the epitome of man's destiny while the wild man is sent away. Nature remains under attack. Logic, reason, and science is now the god of our culture, personified by the intellect; the feminine chaos still exists in the waters of creation but is relegated to an afterthought. Artificial Intelligence and sentient robots of pure logic and reason will be the crowning achievement of history! Fuck feelings and love; what impediments! The Babylonian Marduk must take to the waters of chaos to kill Tiamat in order for civilization to progress. She has been wounded and relegated to the deep and here we are on the cusp of fulfilling that Mesopotamian myth. The ancient mind hadn’t devolved into this single-mindedness, thus they could sense all powers within the environment. It’s available to us if we can throw off the shackles of culture, get still, and feel.

The central idol of the Chavin culture of pre-Columbian South America, we now call the Lanzon, is also an axis mundi representing the reconciliation of all the forces of nature into one being.

The central idol in the temple of the Jaguar at Chavin

It is reversing the process of the power expanding outwards back into its source. It’s like picturing a point of consciousness that contains all and then seeing this potentiality projected out into the universe at large and subsequently finally realizing it is all you. You are seeing yourself at play. We have for the most part lost this meaning and to suggest it to most is to elicit the response of I don’t know what you are talking about, a dispassionate shrug, or a leave that up to the experts response.

When I drink Huachuma, I feel the coming of the god. It’s the idea of the complete self, once we shed the notion of the separate parts of yourself. I connect with all. I experience bringing it all back to centre, the axis mundi, and sit with the self and bask in the knowledge that it all starts with the great self and emanates all out from there. It’s a touchstone moment on the spiritual journey.

I’ve thought about physics and matter enough to realize that we are limited by our instruments and their ability to peer into subatomic particles. I believe that the further we are able to peer into the underpinnings of the all, the more it will just subdivide and confound us. I have embraced the idea that all is consciousness as in mental energy that vibrates and from these levels of vibration we get what we call rays and what we call matter. To use string theory as an analogy, where at its basic form there are an infinite number of strings which are vibrating and that’s what makes up the universe, well picture that but minus the strings. In other words, stringless theory.

The same goes for the self. It’s comforting to think we are an autonomous self and in a way we are, as long as we hold together the form however I have to believe at the root of all this is the same situation encountered in physics where eventually we will learn there is no self. We are just amalgamations of energy that have taken on a certain vibrational form and who knows how long that will last? Do we eventually disintegrate and return to the ocean of energy and continually transform into a new energetic being? Do you believe in magic?

Enjoy the ride. 

wholeness of self

On the path towards spiritual unification where we go on a journey of discovery, our first inclination is to seek the higher self. It is where we are led to believe we will find transcendence from the human condition. We will leave everything which makes us human and fallible behind by seeking enlightenment and a transfiguration into a higher self where we become a spiritual being who is all wise and knowing. We figured it all out and we are at the top of the mountain and that’s where we first tend to explore. When we do that everything else comes along for the ride and it’s very frustrating; so, even though you think you have become this "oh wise one", it’s dishonest and disingenuous to pretend you have left the other parts of you behind. The demons all came up the mountain with you. You can live in ignorance and pretend the desires which make you human are no longer a part of your identity. Within that clue is seen you are still playing the identity game and you’ve basically enlightened your ego. The avatar or character you created now is blessed with a crown and this is with who you subsequently identify. Through this common process you can eventually see that you are never going to transcend the self. The self is always there; it just goes up a story in the house of cards and assumes another up-levelled identity. If you can clearly see the process that has unfolded then unfortunately it puts you back at the drawing board; so, you may be tempted to turn a blind eye towards this realization. You may reach the conclusion that this game was not it and that form of enlightenment was a delusion; so, then you start probing into the shadow or the dark side that you have heard about. For most when you are on this higher spiritual path, you externalize the dark part of yourself and believe it is left behind when you go on the spiritual journey. In truth, the dark side is actually internalized and it’s part of who you are. If you accept this difficult realization, you can turn the tables on the seeking which involved climbing the spiritual mountain.

What I mean by this, is you can take the staircase which leads down into the deepest and darkest regions of self. Here is located all the uncomfortable stuff we leave buried. Do you remember as a kid going down into the basement of your house to temporarily retrieve something and then having all these irrational fears come rushing forth? You couldn't get back up the stairs fast enough! What a peculiar psychological experience which we are all affected by. We are conditioned by our lower self from a young age to not go exploring into the dark and when we do stumble upon that region, our first inclination is to get out as fast as we can because of the irrational fear we are experiencing. In retrospect, what an incredible insight into our psychological makeup; of course we don't realize it at the time and even when I took substances, which allowed me to explore my depths, I didn't make the connection at first. I just followed the conditioned fear and got the hell out of that place and developed strategies to avoid going back. It took brief and repetitive forays into the vast darkness of self before I finally realized that's the destination the plants were pointing me towards. They had previously levelled up my courage and I am an inveterate explorer; so, though it took many years and many ceremonies, as long as I kept at it the subconscious thought must have been "well, eventually he'll get it and set off to explore the deep, dark, and taboo region of self."

It is the most difficult and frightening part of the journey to explore this part of you because the darkness wants to remain obfuscated and doesn’t want to be discovered. The set-up of the game is exquisite. In order to reclaim autonomy over the self, the exploration of what you deny is the biggest obstacle you have to overcome. When you stop pretending that it is not part of you then you can explore all the things which make you tick. The process takes work because when you go to explore those regions the whole journey gets difficult. You face fear, paranoia, and the difficulty of continuing on the path because it puts up as many roadblocks as possible so that you do not peer into this aspect of self. The exploration of the dark self takes the most courage. If you do choose this path and you can get past all the blocks that are put in your way, eventually, you get to look into the hidden self and understand the darkness which is within all of us. Being honest with the denied part of you allows the process of integration of self and a understanding that within us all is this darkness. Yes, there're some awful parts of it but you’ll also discover that’s where love comes from and it is where passion and desire comes from. All this animates our existence and it makes this game worth playing. The whole life experience is powered by these desires that lay within you; some are dark and are not socially acceptable or culturally sanctioned; but when you bury it you also bury what makes you human and it makes our society this detached, non-loving, robotic, and self-centred existence that we all live out, never getting to the point where you see unity within us all. Love becomes a casualty of failure to integrate the human.

We are always trying to transcend the self, which we project out into this world as ego. When you embark upon a spiritual path, we all want to transcend the ego by finding a method that allows you to face ego death so you can lose the sense of self. Through the process you will find your higher self and like I mentioned, you will also find your lower self. You can ignore the darkness or chalk it up as a bad trip and then continue on in your journey; however, if you do discover the way to unity is to harmonize the upper self and lower self and bring all into the centre, known in some traditions as the axis mundi, then you have found the alchemical secret. At some point, you will come to a realization of the need to reconcile all towards the centre, as you are not going to transcend either side, which is frankly the advanced teachings our civilization has lost. In some methods and traditions, if you get past the glorification of yourself into a higher self, you will reach this point. You will discover the need to harmonize all aspects of self and that’s a huge step because you find fulfillment in being honest and recognizing all parts of who you call self. Everything comes from the centre and the self as this is the place where everything is unified. When we started dividing it up or separating things from the centre that’s when you get the opposites like light and dark, which leads to objectifying everything and makes our world come alive. Eventually, when that idea sinks in you realize that the higher self and lower self are aspects of a complete self. The two polarities of self originally come from the centre; so, in our spiritual journey we have taken the two sides and brought them back to centre but that’s what we always were; in essence a wholeness. We are reconstituting self as opposed to creating or coming to an end of a quest to do a spiritual transformation. We are returning to who we really are and once you understand that is essentially who you are, and you always had those parts, then you can realize you will never transcend them or get on one team and leave the other team behind. That’s the fulfillment of the quest in which the answer has been you all along as you have brought yourself back to centre and found wholeness. Once accomplished, you can take that self and contrast it with the no self. By bringing the higher and lower self back to self, you’ve unified the self and then you can take it one step further where you see you have a self because you have a no self. From the no self you find the elusive unity, for which you always have been searching, and you intellectually understand that in order for there to be a self there has to be its opposite which is no self. That’s the eternal game where you vacillate between becoming a self, recognizing a self, and then returning to the no self. The play of the vibration is the eternal song.

homework

Alan Watts, once again on the trip home from a journey with plant medicines, schools me about life and informs me that all opposites come from the centre and I’m it. My higher and lower self are just aspects of the self, the self is the reconciliation of all, and it’s pretty much everything. When you reconcile all by taking feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, and bring it back to centre which is the axis mundi, you reconstitute what you always had and what you began with. It is not a quest to discover or attain anything; instead, it’s a way in which you remember who you once were and then bring everything back to centre. So, when you do that and you realize you are everything then you become the I am - the eternal self. You realize that there is nothing that is not you. Furthermore, you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self, there just is.

I also learned about the attractive qualities of energy fields. All my life, I was under the cultural illusion of beauty being an external shiny object which drew your attention. I learned it goes way deeper than that ideal as outward appearances are just superficial. Well, I always knew that inner truth but I am perpetually fooled along with everyone in this matter. This is fundamental to advertising and in selling celebrity. There is a connectivity which is beyond the external and mundane that is so powerful once discovered. Physical beauty becomes trivial and you feel deep down in your soul a different connection. That was the lesson on energy fields which my intuition prepared me for prior to heading down to Peru on this trip. I knew my education, which the plant teacher Huachuma started in late 2017, regarding frequency and vibration would be accelerated. I was originally tasked to do some homework on vibration and I was lax in doing the work, figuring it would just naturally come to me. It was always in the back of my mind and so finally I think the teacher of the course was like, "Okay dumb-ass, you are going to get the advanced teachings." It all boiled down on this trip to the lesson of the butterfly and I saw how butterflies in pairs harmonize with each other and I projected that out into how this frequency and vibration trip all works. I started seeing it within myself and how if I could harmonize my energy with others then it brings it to a whole new level. Each change in consciousness is a change in vibration, which unleashes more energy within. Each store of energy then allows you to pierce the next veil.

Sometimes, I think the all is just one big bucket of common energy, we have come forth from this, and when we leave this body we will return to the all. My experiences this time with Huachuma taught me everyone has a distinct field of energy, which we radiate. There are these pulses of energy fields which makes up the essence of who I am and who everyone is. It was undeniable that I have this strong energy field and I recognize it in others. The harmony between two energy fields when they meet and connect is so undeniably powerful and real. The real world application is all part of my education in vibration which continues to unfold.

reconciliation

The shy god who wants to remain in the shadows.

The probing into my psyche this latest trip to Peru to work with the plant teachers has been quite fruitful. I’ve never experienced full blown depression so in my life my only way in to see what makes me tick has been through the use of plant medicines. Initially you get in, are gobsmacked by the experience, but then the defences are thrown up as the hidden dark side of the self puts into action various methods to prevent you from going further. They work for the most part and you stop looking for a while, partly because it is so upsetting to turn your world upside down or face the truth. The answer is always present just waiting for you to admit it to yourself.

First off you believe through these experiences that you are to dissolve your ego. The literature tells you that, others repeat it, and you know something is going on in that mysterious mind of yours so you figure it must be all about your ego. Ego death puts you face to face with the light and the dark. You believe that the reason you are not better is because your idea of who you are is preventing you from moving forward to the light and succeeding. In reality your ego has always been weak and transitory; acting as a foil for something deep within your subconscious that doesn’t want to be discovered. This shadowy figure in reality is the big fish to catch. After having fingered the ego as the bad guy you then embark on a spiritual journey of some sort in order to become a better person, without realizing that in truth all you are doing is transforming and strengthening the same ego you had fingered as the bad guy.

It is a double edged sword. The exploration of consciousness is difficult, unsettling, and with many roadblocks put in place, whether psychological, pressure from society, or those close to you to drop the search. If you clear those hurdles, which grow higher everyday, then you get up the path that leads to spiritual enlightenment and a sense of accomplishment. All well and good but you kind of let the whole probing into the depths slip in exchange for a white robe. You are still wearing a mask and buried your dark side, the obfuscated scapegoat, an undeniable part of your true self, once again behind the veneer of being a better person. What am I hiding?

Why was I taught as a child to hide my feelings away? Big boys don't cry. For shame. Bury that shit. Then I grew up and in my quest to be righteous I threatened my dark side once again with annihilation. Self-preservation isn't just for the acknowledged self.

The one behind the mask doesn’t want to be discovered now. Can you blame them? The one behind the mask is all of us; the divine actor. If discovered, the show ends. There is no more drama. If superman is found out to be Clark Kent then for some reason he can’t hide out in this world anymore as a regular guy. If god is discovered as me then I can’t hang out in this world anymore as a regular guy. The story is over and all the elements that make the play grand and the game worth the candle all become trivial and the drama meaningless. I mean I’m omnipotent, eternal, and created this whole charade. My own overarching task was to stay hidden.

I’m contrarian by nature and this whole spiritual enlightenment game always smelled a little funny to me. I kept coming back to plant medicines so I could peek a little bit more into the darkness. I’m curious and good at solving riddles. I wasn’t scared off by them anymore and even with their dwindling efficacy I still found value and I also realized it was another tool of the dark side to send me packing so I’d stop looking. They intended to leave me frustrated but I saw through it and realized my dark side was playing another game where they would stop showing me what I wanted to see. My Ayahuasca visions would last an hour tops before the show was over. I wondered if I needed to drink more? That idea was shut down one ceremony where the medicine was so strong I could barely stand up to go to the washroom and the energy was so overwhelming and present it was palpable in the air. It’s not the medicine; it’s me that is blocking the visions. Okay why then? Part of the solution was in the block I had to drinking the cup. It made my stomach turn just thinking about it. Something within me wanted this to stop. Not to be deterred, I kept pursuing and eventually went down deep into the depths through this visionary tunnel where I came face to face with the truth. I finally realized the one who does not want to be discovered is my dark side and as big a part of me as self and higher self. The dark side who is full of passion, desire, lust, love, takes risks, is creative, compassionate, and wants to keep the game going at all costs. Finally I saw the simple truth. My dark side of course I keep hidden and construct an ego to throw others and my own damn self off of this truth and the search for it.

The ego I constructed to keep others away from my truth. Internally I construct blocks to prevent myself searching for and from finding out the truth. In plant medicine ceremonies I told myself I’d walk in front of a train and commit suicide if I continued on this path after conjuring a demon the previous ceremony. When that didn’t work and I came back to Peru, I threatened myself with a plane crash and said I’d never get home from Peru unless I dropped the seeking and surrendered to the church. My ceremonies went incredibly dark, strange, and unsettling. Ten out of eleven of them started out with such darkness that I couldn’t shake. The only ceremony to not start off that way involved the Great Goddess which gave me the strength to forge ahead. When I pierced through the many veils, she was always there welcoming me in order to keep me wanting to press forward. My threats to myself I figured out were empty. I kept coming back. My dogged persistence eventually led me to see this truth. I accepted it and made peace with myself. I have anger, jealousy, lusts, male possessive traits, a thirst for knowledge and meaning, a need for control, a hurting heart, a tendency to get annoyed at others, and a desire to help those in need.

Ayahuasca and Huachuma allow you to probe into the things that make you tick. Now that these peccadilloes are freed from hiding and I’m good with it all then I can now work with the medicine to explore and integrate them. I wonder why I wanted to keep them hidden from myself? Do I have a problem with acceptance and not wanting to own these traits?

The higher and lower self are the constituents of the self and shape who we really are. We don’t want to accept our dark and lower self and do everything to deny this part of us and relegate it to something we can transform. It can’t be done but instead we can acknowledge it and harmonize it with our higher self in order to create a more fully integrated self. That to me would be peace. The pursuit of the higher self is understandable. On the journey we want to become one of the perfected and transcend the morass of humankind. When we do that we ignore those traits that also make us who we are, thinking we can leave those behind. The clarity I have acquired on this trip has allowed me to finally come face to face with my dark side, have a good laugh, and then just accept it is a part of who I am. This is the true liberation I have been seeking all along.

The universe was created in order to separate the great self into its constituent parts in order to come to terms with these traits and reconcile all. There is a great reluctance to face up to it all and we acquiesce and allow the darkness to stay hidden at all costs.

Once we reconcile all, the long separation can end. 

plumbing the depths

Off to Peru I went a journeying once again in body, mind, and spirit. This post has the potential to be quite lengthy so I’m going to break down the exposé of my travels into parts as I spent close to two weeks at the SpiritQuest Sanctuary and then went off into the Andes mountains in Peru in the Chavín/Huaraz area for just over a week. I’m still obviously processing and integrating these latest lessons from the venerable plant teachers but I have enough insight already to write something somewhat coherent and the fuel for my writing should be plentiful as to last me for a quite a while. There’s always more as don Howard was quite fond of saying and as per usual he hits the nail on the head. My cup is full of more lessons and the number one take away from my Ayahuasca journeys this time around was a reconciliation with my dark side. This was a seven year alchemical process in the making from the period of just my plant medicine use and honestly has been a lifelong struggle that finally I could accept and then sit in ceremony and laugh at. I mean what’s the big deal and why this constant running from it? I call this first entry of my experiences plumbing the depths because that is where Mother Ayahuasca took me: deep down to the darkest regions and said here it is. It’s all you so make your peace.

I was stuck on thinking I can't have both. By both is meant the light and the dark of self. It's taken this long but I think I have a good handle on what is meant by the shadow or dark side. It's the side I keep hidden from everyone else but need to eventually express the energy that builds up. I keep it in the dark because it is not socially or culturally accepted so I have to keep it under wraps. It's nothing criminal or evil but psychologically I have to bury it or put it in a cage. It's kind of preposterous when you think about it and is obviously doing more harm than good. In order to continue on the path of healing of the world I have chosen and what burns within I keep thinking I have to let my dark side go as it seeks pleasure which I have set up as being in conflict with my light side. This goes on and on and never works. The discipline I seek can only be achieved by balance. We choose the split. In other words I am free to bring the dark into the light if I have courage or just want to stop the charade. A case in point is taking psychoactive substances that we hide from some people in our lives. Then it becomes veiled and dark however there is nothing wrong with it despite the objections of the judgmental and society at large. Thus bringing it out into the open is bringing it into the light which can be incredibly healing.

Ayahuasca is like a wild horse. You first get on for a ride and it is a crazy and out of control gallop sometimes on the path and at other times it veers off into the woods, all the while you try and coax the horse back on to the trail however that only succeeds when the horse decides it wants to go back on the path we ultimately have laid out. That path is the path of expectations. Subsequently we try to tame the wild horse just like we try to tame Ayahuasca. Eventually we succeed; the experience of riding the horse or participating in an Ayahuasca ceremony is still something we want to do however deep down we long to return to those first few times we got up on the horse. The answer is to let go of the reins and let that horse be free. Women don’t like to be tamed and neither does Ayahuasca!

I will use my journal as a guide and write this post in a format where I will date each of the entries as I originally wrote them. I have taken liberties to edit my raw writings as I have learned through insight and progression what some of the meanings actually pertain to. It strikes a certain chord in reference to don Howard saying that to have just one ceremony is a form of malpractice. By going through a cycle of work that entails four ceremonies gives context and clarity to the preceding ceremonies. As a one off, the first ceremony had a way different meaning as opposed to the time I sat in the third ceremony and laughed at myself. It evolved and I will reflect that in my writing.

Day 1, Thursday February 13th

A huge part of what I offer the plant teachers in return for their wisdom and guidance is to be of service and help others. Today is a travel day and I planned to arrive in Lima late Thursday night before heading off to SpiritQuest Sanctuary on the Friday morning. As it turns out it was a lesson in patience and to just go with the flow as I missed my connecting flight to Lima as the weather and a late plane delayed my flight an hour and a half from Toronto to Montreal. Turns out another member of the group going to the retreat missed the same flight and I somehow found and recognized him. We connected and got to know one another and I helped him re-book flights. I also gave him an orientation on the basics at SpiritQuest while we spent the next day and a half finding our way to the place. Since I am a veteran of these sojourns to Peru I was able to navigate and re-book the flights with relative ease which took a big burden off my new found friend’s mind. I also anticipated the lack of sleep, two days in airports, and little food would actually allow my mind to simply rest while in the first ceremony, thus not having to do the usual battle to quiet the mind.

Before moving on I should discuss my intentions for making the trip down to Peru this year. Primarily I knew when in ceremony I needed to listen to the plants; I mean the Ayahuasca portion of the retreat is called 'Listening to the Plants' however at times I have been guilty of going off into my own world and thoughts much to my detriment. I decided to latch on to the acronym STFU for the trip as a reminder. In times of conflict at least I could revert back to it and always shut the fuck up. I’m always seeking knowledge and that is one of the biggest reasons I always return and to that extent the plants give freely and never disappoint. At times I am so grateful for all they have offered that to repay them I feel will take a monumental effort though I believe the secret to the repayment is to actively endeavour to do so. It is when you continually take without giving back that the whole divine flow of reciprocity is compromised and you reveal yourself as someone who doesn’t keep their word and causes imbalance in the world. Imbalances cause the split and leads to the suffering. To that end I never want to be one of those that compounds ceremony upon ceremony without giving back. I want to reciprocate and embody the concept of para el bien de todos - for the good of all. In addition I wanted to explore next level mental and dream aspects of creation. I have scratched the surface of this and am pretty sure the world is made up of the mental energy of a dreaming source; mimicking the worlds we dream up at night when we sleep but on a crazy cosmic scale. Self-discipline has also been on my mind for a while and I want to delve into that. I know it is a choice I have to make in whether I want to flame out or pursue what my heart is calling out for and wants. As an adjunct to that I need to explore the desires within that rise up to the surface. I’ve made my peace with them but I still seek some kind of resolution and something that will point me towards living a more integrated life that has eluded me so far in my 52 years. Lastly I remember something that don Howard talked to me about way back in the fall of 2017 when on Huachuma my heart was wide open and I knew love was the answer to everything. He told me it is the only way to live though you needed courage to bring that love out into the open. I seek that courage.

As always I promise to give back to the plants by being of service to them and to the great mother. I need to step it way up and I will. Overall as I said it is for the good of all. We are going to change the paradigm of the world; one soul at a time.

Plant teachers and the experience with them is not at all fun. It is forging steel, which is hard work. It is the refinement of all that is you into a greater whole, while simultaneously throwing out the bullshit and getting you to move on from self-limiting beliefs.

Day 3, Saturday February 15th

We arrived early in the morning for breakfast and Parker gifted me with a beautiful painting of an Ayahuasca scene by the Shipibo tribe. It was such a thoughtful gesture from such a great man who I have the utmost respect for. I talked with the group for most of the day though I really needed a nap. As per usual, it is a great mix of like minded souls who blend well and will become a cohesive group in no time. We headed down to the Ayahuasca kitchen after breakfast for the Mapacho ceremony which is used to help bring calm to an anxious group as well as formulating your intentions for the upcoming ceremonies.

I got an hour of sleep in before heading to the maloca for 8:45pm as the ceremony was to start at 9pm. I surprisingly felt a great deal of apprehension foreshadowing what was to come. I sat on the right side of the maloca in the inner circle, just like my first time at SpiritQuest in April of 2015 and was the second last to drink the brew.

Parker had mentioned in orientation that we would be drinking cascabel Ayahuasca which was a stronger, cascading, and serpent like brew. The shaman don Rober brews batches of cielo Ayahuasca, which is a lighter and heavenly/sky type and the stronger cascabel which apparently is a deeper dive. No kidding!

Don Rober reminded us all that we are protected and any demons we conjure in our visions come from within. It was timely knowledge that resonates with all I have learned as I tended early on in my journeys to look eternally for answers and to project my darkness onto forces I imagined were outside of my own sphere. Drinking the cup was tough as the sum total of sixteen previous ceremonies lay within the depths of that chalice and it was a tough swallow. I felt nauseous as I downed the last drop. I made it back to my mattress without incident and let the sickness subside, wondering if this is a new block I have developed where I can’t drink like I used to? As the shamans built an arkana around the maloca a familiar unease returned. I quieted the mind and went into observation mode, readying my ship to sail through and past this rocky shoreline. Prior to the final candle being extinguished a drone sound started getting louder and visions were hinted at. After Parker blew out the final candle, the visions came on right away. Strange pulsing images came at me much like in previous ceremonies when the masculine darkness comes into my view. I thought well I’m back at SpiritQuest and once again the darkness has returned trying to steal the show and reclaim mastery over me. This scene then translated into the familiar highway I traverse at high speeds as I had the wherewithal to put my consciousness into my heart. The medicine was so strong I felt the need to vomit this early in the ceremony. Paranoia and mistrust flooded and challenged me directly at this point as I wondered why am I back here again drinking Ayahuasca and I realized I was trapped in this thought pattern because of the difficult spot the darkness puts you in and how it is so uncomfortable and unsettling. I know damn well why the darkness is back. I invited it in. My thoughts once again tried to tie the darkness in with SpiritQuest and the whole Ayahuasca scene. Meanwhile I careened through obstacles on the highway, determined to make it to the top of this drive up a cliff. Lights flashed at me: yellow, red, and blue. These signals first reminding and cautioning me to slow down before I crash, then imploring me to stop lest I destroy myself. Finally the blue lights of the cop cars were of no use as I just sped up to pass and outmanoeuvre them. Nothing is going to stop me as I made a date for my imminent implosion.

I then went down into the depths, as far as I had ever reached before. The darkness was present and I realized Mother Ayahuasca is the only one who can get you a ticket into this realm in order to see what you are up against. Mama is the undisputed champion who reigns supreme over all in the depths of your soul. My advice is to trust her always. When I reached the bottom, she showed me a back room with a toilet which was representing the ultimate deep. She said here you are and it doesn’t get any lower than this shitter in hell. Is that what you want? I heard heavy breathing coming from the toilet so I went over and lifted up the top to the tank. It revealed a demon serpent creature who was concealing himself on the underside of the top piece I had lifted up. At this point I had a choice I could make in processing this strange development. I could project my darkness onto something external; exclaiming I had found the source to all my fucked up desires and therefore dissociate from this part of me or I could accept that this serpent was every bit a part of me as anything else. Not wanting to own up to it, I chose the former.

Knowledge and integration pays off well if you have patience. What I have been blaming externally has been undeniably shown as internal, with big assists from don Rober and Mother Ayahuasca. The answers will and do come and at this point in my self-reflection they sometimes come like a bullet intra-ceremony as opposed to a month later while integrating at home. I soon fully realized this repeated darkness was me, I've been the one all along trying to get me to run away from digging deeper, and that at times trying to find what I perceived as an external core of the darkness was like peeling an onion looking for a pit. The thought of an Onion King of the depths struck me as being apropos.

The narrative changed and I became a witness to all the behaviours that are and have been the product of the serpent in the depths. I was warned once again that this will lead to feelings of incredible and crushing shame, guilt, and a loss of everything I hold near and dear to me. It spoke to a struggle for dominance and mastery over this construct I call self. Who is to rule? Does the serpent in the depths call the shots which will lead to social isolation and becoming an outcast or do I continue to allow culture to dictate behaviour which leads to non-fulfillment and a nagging feeling of unhappiness? This question in retrospect was much larger than I was anticipating and the whole three weeks I spent with plant medicines continually brought this up and challenged me with this dilemma. An answer was not expected; the goal was to get me to think about it. What would it be like to be happy? What price would you pay to find internal peace? What is it that you are really looking for? What does your heart long for? What has it always longed for since you were a child and could feel it?

The visions continued to show me of my predilection for a descent into darkness and warned me about succumbing and all it would entail. This is not new as I'm constantly controlled by these thoughts of my dual nature and wanting to be a good boy. I’ve taken action before on this front and banished the serpent back to the depths, purified myself, only to once again relapse. It never sticks; I guess I like continual frustration. I’m reminded of the definition of insanity where you do the same thing over and over while expecting each time a different result. I call it practice! Fuck I’m out of control again. How did I manage to rein in this duplicity for four months leading up to my journey back to SpiritQuest? Being able to have resolute self-discipline when needed is quite the skill however the lid on this pot could blow at any time I fully realized. I took solace in the fact that the world is out of control and playing to the tune of their own heart of darkness by embracing greed and mistrust. Selfishness, recklessness, hedonism, and exploitation of the land and others to gain power and fulfill lusts is the name of the world game. Heck this is seen played out in politics and why the aberrant behaviour of the powered elite is periodically exposed in a despicable me grand reveal. Clinton, Prince Andrew, Weinstein, and Epstein. Wow. The greatest game player of them all is Trump. He wears it on his sleeve and is untouchable.

Like trying to taste your own tongue, the knowledge of self is unattainable without devising a method to reflect thy self out into creation and by this method trying then to understand that construct. The desires of the lower self become our reflected psychic id. The true self becomes the powerless and neurotic ego while the wise higher self becomes the controlling superego. These mirrored constructs of who we deep down really are seem subject to psychic distortion to capitalize on inherent desires, lusts, and wants which can then be used to control every human being that self-reflects. There is no getting away from this as we all want to know the self. I mean fundamentally that is why we created this playground. We want to know self and self can’t be an object of its own knowledge so we devise ways to fool the self into dissociated behaviours that then allow us to peer into our own eyes.

Accepting responsibility, after recognizing it as all me, is huge. It once again shone a light on SpiritQuest as the pre-eminent place to transform consciousness of the individual for the better one at a time which will enact a fundamental shift in the collective consciousness of the world. I felt deep love and gratitude towards Parker for keeping things running down here in the jungle and for being so supportive of myself. A legend among legends.

Day 5, Monday February 17th

After a day to recover from the first ceremony we shared our first experience with the group in a sharing circle after breakfast. I teared up a bit listening to others’ stories. One person in particular had an encounter with their parents who had passed away a few years prior and found closure through that meeting.

In terms of the second Ayahuasca ceremony I felt less anxious but was concerned about drinking the brew and not vomiting right away. I was called up to the altar and drank a full cup down and immediately felt it wanting to come back up. I sat down on my mattress and tried not to think about it and just let the sickness pass. Once again the effects came on quickly, not waiting for any icaros, and I witnessed my vision getting stuttery and an audible buzz was once again in the room. I closed my eyes and entered into a heart shaped tunnel to which I inwardly smiled as I knew what was to come. The tunnel’s road was overlaid by a sensuous red grid and as I made my way through the tunnel, heart emojis floated on up as I passed them by. I came to a stop in front of the Goddess and she asked me how I wanted her to appear. She then proceeded to change her face, hair, and outfit until I was happy. Following this she got up and left so I followed after her. We were in a house with different rooms and in my vision the camera’s perspective was panning through the areas of the house and I then saw on monitors placed throughout the building television shows from my youth. These were all distracting me from chasing the Goddess. As I caught up with her she seemed miffed I couldn’t keep my full attention on her and thus she said goodbye. I then felt a purge coming on and I violently expunged into my vomit bucket which was followed by several gut wrenching attempts to expel every last drop of the contents of my stomach. This went on for a long time to the point of exhaustion and desperately I wanted it to stop. The visions were over for the night and it was all just sickness coming on in waves; cascabel Ayahuasca living up to its name and reputation in a way I hadn’t imagined. I thought the first ceremony had excessive purging considering last year was pretty tame but this night was even worse. I needed to go to the washroom but the shamans were at the start of their extended play first icaro and I didn’t want to yell “bano” while they were singing. I tried to flag down a helper to no avail who had dropped off the girl next to me from her bano break but she did not see me waving my arms. I started worrying I was going to shit myself however I managed to trance out to the shaman song which went on and on. When it came to an end I was in a stupor and forgot I had to even go until finally I realized they weren’t singing and I summoned help. I stumbled to my feet after a failed attempt and I realized I was as intoxicated as I have ever been. The poor helper had to put up with my clumsiness, hold me up, and guide me to my room. As I was on the toilet once again the sickness returned and I had to vomit. In a moment of dexterity I was able to reach the sink with my mouth and perform both expelling acts at once, celebrating a little over what I had accomplished. I had originally forgotten my water bottle in the room much to my dismay when I first vomited so I grabbed it and rinsed out my mouth before shutting out the washroom lights and attempting to leave my room to head back to the maloca. I only succeeded in disorientating myself to the point where I couldn’t find the door out of my room. I retraced my steps and got the washroom light back on and then figured out the straight path to the door where the helper was still waiting for me, probably wondering what I was doing, while laughing inside at this fucked up gringo. Anyways he got me back into the maloca and I slumped down onto my mattress. I spent the rest of the night intermittently retching into my vomit bucket. The show ended and I fell asleep in the maloca until 5am when a worker came in to clean up which woke me so I went back to my room.

I have now had two intense purging ceremonies to which I hope that is it for the internal cleansing. My intention for this ceremony involved gathering knowledge and getting further clarity on the dream aspect of this universe. While I was in the washroom on my bano break the Ayahuasca medicine was so unbelievably strong with the energy swirling about everywhere. It was the strongest I had ever witnessed the force and I was sweating and shaking in its presence. Perhaps I was being shown that yes the universe is fundamentally made up of this powerful energy which is a byproduct of consciousness. One thing I learned for sure is the strength of the brew doesn’t necessarily equate to visions; nor the duration of said visions in ceremony. If that was so I’d still be in the visionary state. This is a valuable lesson because I can dial the intake of the brew down to half a cup and just focus on working with Ayahuasca.

The next morning I contemplated a couple of the lessons from the ceremony which were related. I pondered the TV images that were distracting me during my pursuit of the Goddess. It underscored the need to be present while in the visionary state; well that and in my life in general. I probably do not get distracted anymore than the average person but even that is too much. As Ram Dass exhorts, “Be Here Now” which is pretty simple and doable advice and I couldn’t even do it during an Ayahuasca vision. I mean why did I bother to make the trip if I can’t be present and especially because the vision put me in the presence of the Great Goddess? I hope she can laugh at what a failure I am sometimes. The good thing is I also learn from these failures so in a way it all works out. I don’t blame her for saying goodbye and leaving though; it seemed like the most instructive course of action. Related to this is a new thing I keep doing while the visions are taking place. I actually start journaling in my head, have a running commentary going on, while the visions unfold. I’m spinning them and breaking them down on the fly. This obviously has to stop and I need to just observe and get back to the STFU ideal. The mind is always trying to establish dominance and become the master when it needs to be checked and put in the servant role.

Day 6, Tuesday February 18th

Tonight was the Bobinsana ceremony which comes at the midway point of our week with Ayahuasca and is generally a perfect time for a ceremonial reprieve from the hardships of Ayahuasca. This ceremony was the best one yet of the four I have participated in while at SpiritQuest. There was so much joy and laughter in the room after we got over the initial anxiety of drinking another cup of plant medicine. The sugar cane alcohol lifted our spirits and the Bobinsana opened our hearts. I sang along to the icaros while providing part of the rhythm section by pounding out the beat with my feet. After the ceremony we hugged it out with those awesome kind of hugs that are full on body to body. It felt so good to make such a connection with others who can both give and receive. Over just a short span of time we were all bonded as one SpiritQuest family. It always gives me such optimism towards humankind and our ability to let our guard down, check our differences at the door, and just embrace how much we are alike and our collective need for love and sharing.

Day 7, Wednesday February 19th

We will call this ceremony 'The lesson of half a cup.' I was much more in control this ceremony and able to work within the Ayahuasca space; remembering to STFU, to love, surrender, and have courage. The familiar buzzing sound returned at the onset of the intoxication and I noticed the visions weren’t as strong as usual but they were still plenty powerful. This time as the visionary activity commenced I descended down into multiple deep and dark tunnels as I was to plumb the depths of self once again. As I headed for a deep dive into the self I witnessed some heart imagery lit up with a blue light along the path which put to ease any fears I may have had about entering once again into this realm. This blue light then morphed into a butterfly that flapped its wings very fast before opening up and revealing another passage way. I followed this new trail as blue hearts and blue jaguars filled my vision. I arrived at a palace and saw the Goddess further along one of the corridors behind a veil of beaded curtains. They parted into an almond shaped opening which was in the shape of a vagina. I entered into this opening and went down through another tunnel. I caught up shortly to the Goddess and she was in the form of the ancient Egyptian Goddess Hathor that I know and love and from which I first discovered her. Her face then proceeded to cycle through pretty much every girl I ever had a crush on reminding me once again of the divine feminine energy that is within all women. I was present the whole time and managed to stay in the visionary state unimpeded by using the mantra “ram” and just repeating it over and over. It works by distracting your mind by filling it up with the constant mindless noise of “ram” leaving it no room to think other thoughts. It’s quite ingenious! I chased her through the castle and caught up to her at a door that led to the master bedroom. She then transformed into a jaguar and came towards me, reminding me of when she did that during my night with Peyote. I immediately roared back at her and we instantly became one jaguar. The door then opened revealing a matrimonial bed and then the vision ended.

The experience moved on to the telepathic that was mostly non-visionary. We collectively examined my true self and I realized as the divine masculine I was pretty basic. I love music. I have passions and lusts. I crave love and I enjoy intellectual pursuits. The fearlessness and courage I cultivated in this lifetime is a major harbinger of my masculinity and virility. I’m a warrior and a jaguar. I will best all through cunning while they pursue physical dominance. I’m attracted to unsolvable riddles thinking only I can figure them out. Some aspects of self I was not proud of but was encouraged to accept because it is all me. I wanted to examine my true self so we were not going to cherry pick only the parts I approve of. It was hammered home that my dark side is also my true self and that demon I conjured seven years ago the second time I ever drank Ayahuasca was me as well. I realized this path I have travelled has been so difficult because on the path if you keep at it will unmask the true self as encompassing your obfuscated dark side. The dark wants to remain in the dark and will resist all attempts at self-reflection while flooding you with fear and paranoia when you try to peer in. This unmasking will end the play, stop the drama, and take away from the whole experience of the game of life because the conflict and hidden desires of the deep darkness keeps it fresh and exciting. If there is no reason to act the part anymore because you have revealed all, then the game becomes lifeless and you get depressed over your situation as you have solved the riddle of you and are unable to integrate this discovery. You lose the reason to go on and get up in the morning and just play out the string, dispassionate to life. Alternatively if the game unmasks your true self before you unmask the game then you are ridiculed by those still playing the game which leads to being an outcast and downright suicidal. It feels like a way to one up the self in a race to figure out the self. The culture game unmasks you as a fraud if you don’t find the answer because you never figured out the self and who you really are. So we look externally to help us out of the mess. I guess most of us just reach the end of our life living a lie in order to not have to face this strange question of who am I? I guess I have reached the point where I can live an authentic life true to myself while eschewing the expectations of culture to play the game or alternatively I can retreat back into a shell and just try to fit in to the collective neuroticism and pathology. Fuck it; I am a warrior and will lead head up and heart forward towards my calling. The darkness reappearing in ceremony I now knew was a way to throw you off the path and keep you away from the knowledge of your true self and its relationship to your dark side. To continue to play the game is to remain ignorant of this fundamental construct. Well we all know I can’t do that. I am a seeker despite cost and though I was threatened with death if I kept up this inveterate seeking I still continued on. Scare me, threaten me, concoct ridiculous stories to send me away, send me to church for answers, say you’ll crash my plane, cause me to commit suicide, whatever. I always came back to look deeper into my depths. I had to know. The plants honoured their part of the bargain and said here it is; this is what you were looking for. So what now? First off I’m going to embrace myself and just accept who I am. I love myself. The key is love and I have known that for a while. If I don’t want to take the path to depression and my ultimate demise I have got to fully embrace and express this love. This became so clear by the time my three weeks wandering around Peru came to an end. I’m ripe for falling madly in love with life and just want to jump in off the cliff into that cosmic ocean of bliss and trust in its power.

My night continued on with many more lessons. I had a vision of a high school yearbook where the faces of people I know all became monkey clowns and then revealed the underlying human in a cyclic manner. This was obviously speaking to the characters we all play in life when behind it all is really just this joker of a monkey. We are loathe to give up our character though as losing your identity can be catastrophic. I thought of the master shaman and how one of such high regard like don Rober is called a 'banco Ayahuasquero.' I equated it to us humans who play our parts so well we have attained 'banco ego' and at the same time one small misstep can bring on the destruction of the ego which I termed 'Jenga ego' after the game Jenga which involves stacking blocks upon other blocks successfully while avoiding the whole construct coming crashing down on itself. I thought back to my time on this path to when I wanted to get rid of my ego and wondered why I wanted to do that? That was the one thing holding this being called Paul all together. I realized I was denying and externalizing my dark side while pursuing my higher self and enlightenment so therefore I figured by discarding the ego I’d get there. Retrospectively it was all a game of ego enlightenment. I wouldn’t have attained anything except declaring the character I had created enlightened while wearing its white robe and crown of glorious light. Hey look at me I’ve be-knighted my avatar. Crown me! Pretty funny. Let’s all have a good laugh!

It is through remembrance you become enlightened. You remember who you really are. In other words you have been enlightened all along but through playing this funny game with yourself you have both forgotten it and then thought there was some quest you need to go on in order to attain this crowning achievement of your spiritual bonafides. The only enlightenment ever to quest for and attain is based upon taking this lifetime construct you have crafted and crowning it. It’s all part of this interesting game we all play. Plant medicines potentiate not only introspection and catharsis but also this ability to stand back from yourself and have a good laugh at the absurdity of it all.

I once again looked back on my journey and how I sidestepped and navigated the pitfalls and obstacles on the path. I went down into the depths and brought back my hidden true self. It seemed so obvious and I wondered how I had managed to avoid admitting to myself that this darkness was of course me. Where is Parker V. Sherry, Master of the Obvious, to point this out? Hey I was the one who developed this transient ego in order to deflect the gaze of all, including myself, who wished to penetrate this construct of self right down to my very soul. I gave much needed love to my ego as it is my masterpiece that can be destroyed in an instance if I mess up. It is my lifelong construction project and it is the part of me I can imbue with integrity, character, impeccability, and reciprocity. Put love into that character as well. These are choices I can enable that elevate my ego. In a way my true self operates on a set of ethics and my ego adapts these into values based on cultural influences. Seems like an equitable scheme. My ego is a special case for study as I am naturally antagonistic towards cultural trends. I have no predilection towards opulence, fast cars, or Hollywood ideals. I built my ego upon the foundation of my true self, taking in the higher and lower self, all the while hiding the seedy parts that Ayahuasca likes to continually point out.

What I think I ultimately took out of this Q and A experience was now that I have unmasked and realized the nature and totality of my true self there can be a reconciliation. I know what my true self desires and I will fulfill it in a non-destructive and sane manner. The first Ayahuasca ceremony did warn me of my destructive tendencies. My ego I understood now as my porous rock which balances my polarities and this keeps me acceptable in polite society which allows me to remain employed. The ego mediates between Apollo and Dionysos and knows the divine actor Dionysos has passions to be fulfilled as well as a need to be both clown and actor, to be the joker, big man, and overall to just act the part while moving the stage play along because that’s what this whole universe is fundamentally about. Without the story there is no life.

I also finally received the answer to this strange dream I had quite a while ago of don Howard pouring Huachuma over my naked body in the maloca. I realized that the symbolism of the naked body was referring to my true self and while clothed it is your ego. The dream was depicting Huachuma and plant medicines as being able to reveal your inner true self and what makes you essentially tick.

The eight days and four Ayahuasca ceremonies at SpiritQuest put you through the proverbial wringer. Ayahuasca is a washing machine. I like the analogy as it refers to an action that takes wet clothes and wrings them out so that the water is removed prior to putting them through the spin cycle. Anyway after this ceremony I realized why I love drinking Ayahuasca. Just a ceremony prior I had declared I was done with Ayahuasca. I like to project my judgment values onto Ayahuasca and call her fickle and unpredictable. I looked into the mirror when I got up the next morning and finally realized hey it’s been me all along! I’m the unpredictable one. Sorry ma’am, I’ll try to approach this from a state of higher consciousness next time. I should have learned that by now.

Day 8, Thursday February 20th

I walked into the maloca for the fourth ceremony and was greeted with hugs from everyone. It was such a wonderful gesture and I felt so energized by the outpouring of love from the group. The Ayahuasca beverage had fermented and tasted much different this night. It was the fermented pickle juice taste I remembered from before and that brand I actually don’t mind and have an easier time drinking it. I went into the ceremony content after last night and felt my Ayahuasca cup was full for this cycle of work. As it turns out my intuition was correct as I had no visuals or insights for quite a long time until I started getting some visuals that were random and short-lived. At about this time I started noticing I could visualize my thoughts into visions so I imagined a Christmas scene where everyone was inside a house enjoying the season around the tree and a fire. I peeked in through the window wanting to play the role of a peeping tom and the scene changed into an orgy with people living out their desires and carnal passions. It was an accurate reflection of my thoughts where one moment I can be sentimental and the next full of lust. Such is my innermost self. My vision then did a 180 degree shift and I felt the pain, sadness, and devastation of Kobe Bryant’s wife who had lost her husband and daughter so cruelly snapped away from her. It was such a crippling and unbearable pain. Ecstasy and tragedy all played out on the grand stage we call life. If it is experience we seek then we will have to face it all.

As the ceremony ended I laid down on my back only to see the Goddess above me in a bird cage with an owl headdress, motioning to me to sit up because she wanted to instruct me some more. After some initial hesitation, I sat up and then left my body, floating up to meet her. The cage opened and we embraced; once again becoming one. It was a fitting way to end the cycle of work and this latest chapter in my non-stop seeking. I remembered back to the sixth time I drank Ayahuasca when she asked me to release her from bondage by doing battle with her husband and exposing him for who he is as he is the one who keeps her imprisoned. By doing this work I found out her husband was the me who kept hidden and caged my feelings, my passions, and ultimately this Goddess of Love. In our society becoming a man means burying our perceived weaknesses. When I did the work and brought all this up from the depths, I reconciled with the self I had buried. I had to free myself before I could free her. This act released the Goddess from her cage.

It’s kind of amazing that I was looking for myself all along and once I discovered and accepted that my dark side was also me everything fell into place. There were no tantalizing visions nor lessons this last ceremony because I had all I needed. The last ceremony was really just about confirmation of all I had been feeling and intuiting for so long now. As I lay there in the maloca the energy just started pulsing through me as I felt closure.

I started processing and integrating all I had learned from Ayahuasca pretty much immediately. First and foremost was a message to stop scapegoating the ego as some external bad actor that I can blame all my problems on. My failure to integrate all of me, both dark and light, good and bad, is the cause of why I have never found happiness and keep searching for this something I don’t have while satiating my needs with trivialities and behaviours that are pleasurable in the short terms but toxic in the long term. I contemplated the voice in my head, the superego, that conflates itself with the ego in order to cause confusion. I realized it is the one that is encouraging me to judge others behaviour and now that I know this is all a game and we keep up pretences and a facade in order to continue playing, I have to be extra wary of my sarcastic side and tendency to dismiss others. I took a look at the world at large and its politics. I compared it to a virus that is out to subjugate and use you and vowed to not get trapped by these vampiric entities. Live free or die. The wild animal came to mind who guards their freedom and has survival always as its number one concern. Sometimes it must kill to live and I should take that advice to heart. Not in a physical sense but in a way where not everything can be dealt with in a kind manner; sometimes you need to stand up and slay your enemies.

I thought of Dionysos the liberator and how it is through accessing your dark side and accepting it you enable a freedom from the constricting gaze and expectations of culture which in turn allows you to indulge the passions. I fully understood why he is called the liberator. The freedom comes from acceptance and not putting up with the pretence that you can scapegoat your lusts anymore and send them away in a pursuit of some holier than thou ideal. The spiritual journey is both light and dark. It is a reconciliation of the denial of the darkness within. To embrace that part of you in order to become whole once again and not live divided. Enlightenment is not white robes and purity but a recognition of our duality and using the heart and love to transcend the suffering we lay on others because of our insecurities. It is inclusive for all and honouring both the light and the dark within us all.

I was tasked with facing up to the truth because that’s what I asked for. I knew it all along but sidestepped it and denied that the demon is me. I had faced the demon but didn’t want to admit it is me so I looked around externally for a way to assign darkness, jealousy, insecurity, judgment, and even hatred of others to something that was inherently not myself and that I could eventually banish and transcend. I have to own it and realize it is me and it will always be a part of me. Being of service and being loving is a choice we can make to not allow the demon within to hit centre stage.

Parker reminded us in closing of the Prodigal Son story in the Bible the next day and how important it is to go out and experience the world and all that calls out to us even though it puts us in with swine and the lowest of the low. Timely advice as some of us leave paradise soon and head back to the rat race. The story also references the son who stays with his father, symbolizing the intellect that rationalizes existence and therefore doesn’t experience life. It is through living and loving that we discover all of what makes us in the end the total human package.