pain fuels the rise

You seem to get what you want.

I get a taste of it.

You don't want riches.

No.

You want to sleep in and work from home.

That's a good one.

You wanted to taste some fruit.

I did.

You wanted to fulfill others' wishes and make them happy.

I did.

You wanted freedom.

Knowledge.

No more misery.

Where are you now?

I'm free.

I received the knowledge.

The cup overflows.

Trying to possess that fruit would give you misery and lack of sleep.

True.

Lost chance at freedom.

Did you want that?

No.

Did you get what you wanted?

Yes.

What about the pain?

It fuelled my rise.

You're very smart.

You take your time figuring things out and you get there.

Pain fuels the rise.

Mentally and physically.

Where are you now?

I'm headed to the top.

Where were you last year at this time?

I got dumped into the abyss and had to find my way out.

What saved you?

I carried on.

I internalized the pain and made supper.

The hurt forged steel.

Diamond mind.

Do you think you are crazy?

My mind is lit.

It's working well.

There's a newfound gear.

Is it pure?

No.

Knowledge and lust are mixed.

The Greeks didn't serve unmixed wine.

You can approach purity.

I have been taught you can get to the edge but don't go over.

Don't be a superman.

Stay humble and fit in.

You need people to think you are crazy and weird.

That will keep you grounded.

If they tell you that you are God, it will go to your head.

You need those psychic projections to belittle you.

In your mind you are then safe to go to God and sit on your throne.

What happened to Parker?

He went over the edge.

He saw the danger but knew he'd be alright.

He had no one to tell him he was crazy.

They encouraged him.

You need others to tell you that you are crazy.

A psycho.

He didn't have that, so he went over the edge.

Embrace those who remind you of your humanity.

Humanity is crazy.

Humanity expends time and resources in order to convince the other they are not.

Do you think humanity is crazy?

Look around.

What do you think?

Collectively, we are crazy.

What about individually?

We hide it.

What happens when you get to know someone?

You see they are crazy.

They put on a good performance to hide it.

Truth is a good strategy.

Truth is best when it is balanced.

What do you mean?

Tell the truth.

The truth is you tell the truth to yourself.

Fuck the others.

That seems wrong.

Why?

You should tell others the truth, shouldn't you?

Why would you give them that advantage?

Let them figure it out if they are so smart.

The advice is to tell yourself the truth.

Ask the tough questions of yourself and don't deceive yourself.

You can deceive others because they are walking deception machines.

Everyone is living a lie.

Would you tell a liar the truth?

No.

Then why would you tell anyone the truth?

Because I think it's the right thing to do.

Do they tell you the truth?

Sometimes.

They do the thing that the news does.

They mix the truth with their deception.

They figure out the formula.

The formula to fool people is to mix your lies with truth.

People fall for it all the time.

It's a secret to the game.

You manipulate people by telling the truth.

We all want to hide the real truth, so we give them a little bit.

This causes confusion because you told the truth.

You must be honest and trustworthy because you tell the truth.

The winner of the game of life doesn't always tell the truth.

Do you want to win?

I just want to be happy.

So, you don't want to win?

You can be happy knowing others can beat you at the game of life?

Well, not this game of going to God.

I won that game.

You wanted to win the ultimate game, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

I let the others have their fun and I won the big prize.

I kept my eye on the prize and figured out how to do it.

What do you get for winning the game?

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I get knowledge.

That's what I wanted.

Knowledge is power and yet I don't want power.

Seems balanced.

Yeah, I know.

I have sat with power, and it doesn't move the needle.

I don't need others to serve me.

I'd rather serve others.

Sometimes that's a strategy to buy freedom.

Yes, they leave you alone when they know you are a good servant.

You mean slave.

Yes.

I fool them by fucking around.

It works.

It's a balanced relationship.

I like it.

You don't want power?

I prefer freedom.

The darkness doesn't bother you anymore, so we're going to give you light as a teaching.
That's not true.
The darkness still bothers me a bit.
I don't look at it as a negative.
I look at it as something that is necessary.
Without it, you're all light.
That's not duality.
There's no separation.
The dark, which is duality, you push away.
That's what creates the separation.
Darkness manifests duality and you see two instead of one.
The fear from the darkness activates a pushing feeling.
That's what that is.
In order to have duality, you need fear.
Duality cannot exist without fear.
If you're no longer afraid of the dark, then you lose the sense of separation.
It's a way to get more light into your life.
Then it's a question of how much light is too much.
You learn to balance light and dark.
If you don't, the darkness will separate.
If you go too much to the light, you will smother.
It's simple.
When you get too dark, people run from you.
When you head to the dark, you give people feelings.
When you head to the light, you charm people.
You don't go full on into both.
I did.
From a mental knowledge standpoint, I know I'm both.
I even wrote it down.
Yeah, but you don't physically play that out.
So, what does that mean?
You could play one of those extremes if you want.
You could make a choice to do one of them.
That's what all people on this path do when they get to this point.
They choose one of them.
They become a healer or a sorcerer.
They forgot their training.
What's the training?
You know it, you're trying to fool me.
First of all, don't pick a side.
Don't become a healer or a sorcerer.
Before that you should do nothing.
Don't get involved.
I waited half of my life before getting involved.
Once you have gotten involved you know to win you must choose both.
Don Howard knew the answer.
He said to reconcile the opposites.
He didn't tell me.
He's not allowed to.
He told Parker and then Parker told you.
That's how he got around it.
See how he's a healer and a scoundrel.
He found a way around.
All he did was put the idea in your head.
You might have found it on your own because magic teaches you to reconcile the opposites.
The Mesa shows you this as well.
Don Howard was giving you a nudge.
He planted clues, so you would listen to him.
Ancient Egypt clues.

The game is to get to God without destroying yourself.
To do that, you must get to the Devil at the same time.
Do you think you did it?
Yeah.
What are you doing now?
I'm learning about it and writing the story.
Your story's going to be stupid.
Yeah, but hopefully one day somebody who knows will be able to declare it the masterpiece that it is.
So, you've gone and rewrote the backstory?
Yes, I had to adjust your first part of the story.
Once you get to forty, it's self-explanatory.
I had to add context to all your experiences prior to that.
So, we're here now.
Yes, I've caught up.
I finally finished rewriting the past.
We're meeting now.
Yeah, that's why there's two of us.
Remember I showed you there's two of us?
Yes, I remember.
We're both contributors to the future story.
Yes, though obviously the subconscious writer is the better writer.
You're the editor who takes out some of the material that doesn't work.
Yes, that's what I do.
I have a good handle on what will work and what might not go over well.
I sit with myself for a few days and then I take out some stuff, add to it, and clean it up for export.
That's it.
Anyone can edit.
See, you're in the perfect profession.
Can we not think about your job?
I agree, move on.

flow

At the heart of what just is, is vibration. The great vibration in the sky creates all. From one perspective it is everything. Change viewpoints and the vibration becomes the many. As a singularity, it just is. From this comes the two extremes. Goddess and God. Dark and Light. Death and Life. Think of each point as an octave. The sound is perfect, but the interesting part is in the in-between the pure notes. This is the vibration and where creation is present. Within this playground is where we play.

This world is teaching us how to find balance within the polarities. We can't become pure like the points no matter how hard we try. To get to that purity means severing the connection to the other polarity. To become the light means forsaking the darkness. I intuit the answer is found in the reconciliation of all. To take the opposites and move to the centre. In the balance is where to stand on earth.

I asked the Great Goddess to teach me about love. She has shown me possessive love and unconditional love. I realized neither was the answer. Possessive love will imprison those you love and as the jailer you will imprison yourself. Unconditional love leads to being taken advantage of and no one growing from the experience. The answer is found in the middle of the two extremes. I asked the Great God about magic. Eventually was revealed the similarities with love. There's black magic where you get what you want and fulfill all your desires. The opposite white magic is where you unconditionally help others relieve their suffering. The problem with using magic for selfish desires is obvious but why not help people? A couple reasons. You don't know the reasons they incarnated and chose to suffer. The suffering could be leading towards a breakthrough on their part and fulfilling a purpose. Another reason is you don't know what the outcomes or consequences are from the magic. Everything is reconciled so when you create a positive, there must be a negative corollary. You don't know what you have unleashed when you drop a dollop of magic onto the brew of life.

I learned about magic and gained the trust of my benefactors. I'm thoughtful and not careless. I showed I was good for it and soon was given the lesson of loving which led to magic. The smart play is to let it be. Let life flow and react to the curriculum as it comes.

This point was driven home at the same time I was taking stock of my life and who I am. I am comfortable with who I am, and it is at odds with how others perceive me. This is a major psychological crisis most of us face. We build a character that is different from who we are. It's the ego and built by how others perceive us and then we must imprison ourselves in that jail of ego. Spiritual liberation is freeing yourself from those chains. For most of us, myself included, how others perceive us is stifling. This straw man prevents me from living life. I know who I am. I'm a decent person, but no saint. I know what I want and what animates me. I needed to kill myself in order to live as what was suggested to me.

We all are uncomfortable with certain aspects of self. We hide this and try not to think of it. If you regularly participate in the use of psychedelic substances, you will have to recognize and come to terms with all aspects of self. Confrontation awaits. I know how I suck as a human being. I used to want to be perfect and keep my construction project of self, called the ego, nice and shiny. Any revealed stain on my character I needed to hide to maintain appearances. Eventually in life this becomes constrictive. You are leading a life that is a lie. What is better? Bowing to the pressures of others and living a life of frustration or letting it go and being true to yourself? I have plumbed the depths of self and know who I am, what I want, and what lights me up. I have gravitated towards fulfillment of these ideals while realizing it is culturally out of bounds. I am a disappointment and I'm happy to be a failure. I see freedom in being a screw up.

I have lately embraced Apollo. I mocked him for a while because he was the part of me who while being brilliant also was concerned with appearances. This Apollo polarity of me is the one who came forth for most of this lifetime in the eyes of others. My parents mostly saw this part of me, and it made them happy to see their son successful and well-adjusted. My workplace gets a huge does of this sugar. My family I live with of course sees this but also sees the unhappiness. I can't hide that. In my distaste of this guy, I saw the good that comes from him. I shine so brightly. I can figure anything out. That's to be celebrated and not haphazardly thrown to the curb.

I've been letting go of the reigns and letting the buried part of my nature come to the fore. I can see it in my behaviour that I have been successful in finding a balance between my two natures. The darkness within is tempered by the light. It's the optimum condition for the human and through this balance, peace is found. The lesson of the octave comes into play here. Each of the touchstone tones of dark and light, which I call Dionysos and Apollo, are pure in vibration, however a little much if the note is held too long. The decay of each makes the purity tolerable. If I become too much of either, I'm a little much. I like to visit each polarity and spend some time lost in the richness of each pure note. It's a great thrill to be at the top of the track before the descent of the rollercoaster and then to embrace the bottom and propel yourself back to the top. The in-between is life, and the experience is what is memorable. So, for most of my life I went out into public while at the top of the rollercoaster. I waited for the dark to literally descend before allowing my opposite to come out of his cage under the veil of night. I maintained this facade for over 50 years before the cracks in the edifice went beyond repair. I now look forward to a life of disappointing others.

I'm looking forward to multiple people saying they are disappointed in me. With this I'll know I have done what I needed to do. In truth, they will only be disappointed to learn that the puppet strings snapped. I'm not living towards some ideal of who I should be, I'm just being me. Just being me will lead to a lot of upset. I'll just be free and go with the flow.

questioning spirituality

Our brains are linear. They have been conditioned in this regard. It's how we think and make sense of our world. If you discover a method which allows release from this modality, then different avenues of cognition open to you. I have been looking for a way to explain being able to see into the future. It's been a few years since I realized time is a dubious human discovery. Because we have senses and delineate, this allows us the power of observation. We are objectification machines, and we use it well. We track and mark the movement of objects and thus create a system of time. Our system of time is based on the sun. Days and the year are the cycle of the sun. The seven-day week and the months owe their genesis to the moon. Our conditioning forces us into patterns of thought which cannot break free of an orderly and linear design of the universe which marches through time.

Without the ability to objectify, time would not exist. This plane of consciousness we inhabit with our senses is a world of duality and thus time governs us. Time is a lazy jailer as it doesn't have to do anything to keep us imprisoned. We create the jail cell ourselves and lock ourselves in. If we stray from the prison yard, the inmates rat on us. They first use the tactic of shame and make us question ourselves. You're crazy! They poke around and find out what is the cause of you straying from orthodoxy. Don't think for yourself. Leave complex matters for experts. Drugs are bad. Stay away from them as it is a blot on your good character. If you get past the gates of society then will come you've changed accusations and drugs are making you crazy. As society progressed and we became intellectually enlightened, we took it upon our collective self to criminalize agents of consciousness. If you wanted to escape the mental prison, you risked being locked up in a physical prison. The game is designed so you will not escape. For most they won't even try to run. They will just accept it. The runner must be resolute in their decision and willing to leave it behind.

This trip since middle age has been utterly fascinating. I never dreamed I would get to these points of awareness. I had no idea of what awaited discovery. I had to unlock modes of cognition to proceed.

Earth is a school for awareness. Your energetic signature unlocks awareness through incarnation. You add this skill to your sum. How about that answer to the meaning of life? We come here to make sense through our senses. Time creates order out of chaos. We crave this order in our masculine world. Order comes from chaos, light from darkness. A unique perspective reveals a whole new way of perception. In this world there is time, and eternity reveals itself from moment to moment. In the world of chaos, everything just is, it has already happened and to reveal it just needs a structure. We create a timeline which allows us to make sense of it all. The clever seeker in a world of form will realize this and then be able to poke holes in the fabric of being.

The modality to do this must be discovered and then comes the need to stop listening to others' interpretations and advice. At first, culture set up religious institutions to keep people away and it worked for a long time. As a species we were obedient and bequeathed our inquisitive nature to an intermediary. We allowed those who wanted to keep us imprisoned to be responsible for our freedom. Thus, we remained locked up. When you break past these barriers it isn't over. There is always a spiritual element to the game and an appeal to some concept of a higher self. When you are onto the game, the cultural shepherds are still waiting for you. The final boss awaits. You've seen past the veil so now what? Attached to discovery is altruism. For some strange reason if you approach the big secret, then the ego requires you to cultivate a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You become of service and therefore the game can continue for others as you are neutered.

What a crock! I know so many people who are doing just this. The spiritual trip is so fun and allows you to abrogate the responsibilities of incarnation. They all knew this earth game we are playing is toxic and looked for a way out. They peeked behind the curtain and faced the dissolution of preconceived thought patterns. Then we all face the big question: What do I do with this knowledge? The default is you become spiritual! I feel like intellectually raging at this golden chain. I remember Ram Dass giving a lecture about the idea of the golden chain of righteousness. Spirituality leads to this golden chain where you must put on airs and graces and avoid scandal. Why is there this connection to unlocking universal secrets and being good?

One answer that jumps out at me is love. I've come across it a lot in my journey and in terms of resonance I understand love is what we seek. A taste of love is bliss. So, the question becomes what is the best method towards getting people to that place of love? The path I chose will allow you to touch that love to which I refer. That's when the next wave of trouble begins and we become spiritual. However, look around you. We live in a place of ungodly suffering. You can't escape it. If love is the ultimate answer, then why does this hellhole called earth exist? The universe can be cruel. To live one must cause suffering. In turn we suffer. Suffering is the path towards finding the love you seek. When all else fails, a good dollop of suffering will snap you out of whatever ails you and direct you towards love.

Plant medicines showed me a world of spirituality and I got a great understanding of it. I'm not sure they made me spiritual. They showed me where I wasn't spiritual for sure and I followed a path which revealed I was no Jesus in a white robe. I saw Goddess and God. I saw who I am. I don't feel a need to become holy because of it. I am at the point now in my "spiritual" journey where I laugh at people who become spiritual because of psychedelics and plant medicines. I laugh because of experience. These substances reveal who you are, and for most of us it's hard to accept the truth. Deflecting your degeneracy through embracing spirituality is a smart play. You can postpone the realization for a bit.

For me, the realization has come. The Great Goddess laid it on thick. Here's what you do and the results of your actions. You're special. You got quite the game going on to get you the thrills you need to control your vibration. You know how to smooth it out and go searching for the hit every now and then. Apollo is brilliant and figured it all out!

I've got redeeming qualities. I like helping people. I like doing things for people. I like seeing people happy. I like making animals happy.

I know what she is going to teach me next. Purity and vibration. She is going to show me how pure true love is. If you want to stay high and never come down, love is the pure substance you are looking for. Without it you are forever trapped in the cyclic vibration of high and low. So, if you want off the wheel, you gotta come to love. Simple!

I'm not interested in utopia. We do-gooders try to usher in an altruistic paradise in hell. I don't want to create a world of love. It's all perfect. I want there to be suffering on this earth. My selfishness that keeps me going to know all leaves a trail of indifference, destruction, and suffering. If I were a great and loving being, I would have been stopped dead in my tracks. The dragon in me propels me along a path of discovery which is what I've desired all along.

I don't want to be spiritual. I don't want to think I must be of service or have integrity. Reciprocity should just flow and not be a conscious duty. Those qualities I will demonstrate by my actions and let the chips fall where they may. They are a byproduct of my life. The other may judge how successful or what a failure I am regarding these principles. I don't want a white robe or an acknowledgement of transcending the morass of humanity. My animating path is a quest to discover it all. It's a never-ending ride on the cosmic wave of being.

speaking truth to fire

I am washed in the love of the Great Goddess. Her lessons on the path of the heart are centred around love and the curriculum offered to me has a high degree of difficulty. It's a difficulty of my own choosing and I don't know if I'm going to pass the course. To learn to love is to endure copious amounts of suffering. I have the temperament to embrace suffering and to learn from the gift, yet I'm not a masochist. I seek the rewards given to the graduate of this divine institution.

I asked my wise brother Parker about my suffering, and he responded matter of factly, "It's in the cards." Why?

I spent a Texas weekend in October at a Peyote ceremony conducted in the spirit of the Native American Church. My experience being dosed with Peyote was secondary to just being an observer. This medicine meeting was a shared conscious community gathering and being an outsider, I had a unique window into the process and could observe the profundity of the ceremony. Why, indeed. The answer was simple. You don't live in truth. You will continue to suffer until you stop living a lie. The house you constructed upon the shifting sands of what is not your truth isn't stable and the constant change in weather, as in your behaviour, shakes the foundation to its very core. Only by building upon the rock of truth will you be able to lessen the tsunami of suffering. That means you must tear down your house and start building another one.

I'm getting old in this body. I have lots of excuses at the ready.

The truth will set you free of suffering. Not living in that stasis will promulgate the pain.

See, the course isn't all that hard. You make it so.

So, I'm going to tell my story of when I went to Texas and participated in a Peyote ceremony. After ten years of medicine journeying, it is quite fascinating that the focus has gone from the intensive effects of the consciousness altering substance to this portion of the dance being secondary. I don't think I needed to ingest Peyote, just the act of being witness to this ceremony was plenty.

Thursday, October 5th - Departure

I just re-read some of my journal entries from this year's January Peru trip. It reads like a diary of a madman which is why I never published my account of that trip. Unfortunately, the madman as referenced nailed it so what to make of that? There is a correlation between madness and truth. What I witnessed, intuited, and eventually chose were all foretold. My insights were prescient. In a way it's good I didn't fully re-read my journal until now. I can see where I failed and reconcile my views on spirituality.

I'm making this trek on my own. As envisioned in January, that was not to be the case as a bunch of us were going to head down to Texas to pay respects to Parker, who transitioned a year ago. This dude has had a profound effect on my life and though events conspired to make me question heading south on my own, to not go would be unfathomable. In retrospect it was a Mastercard trip, as in priceless. If I had missed this what a blot on my path of discovery. I'll go out of my way and eschew financial burdens in search of knowledge. Knowledge lights me up to the point where everything else becomes secondary. This trip was a cup filler. The first fruits of knowledge poured in right away. A week later was an incredible experience while back at home, which I will write about shortly.

Re-reading my journal entries about cycles, desires, gardens, and family were spot on. Having to make choices to gain understanding of self was paramount. The choices I made reveal my character and I'm good with it. In other words, my character is flawed, and I accept that. The perfect score on the test would have involved making a choice to please the expectations of society which pretends to be just and good. I chose what I really wanted and thus unlocked the truth. I know what I wanted and am clear on it. To go along with the charade that I'm perfect would upset the least amount of people and thus I would sacrifice self for the good of all. How fucking noble! Years of being taught liberation I conveniently forgot and set myself up for the opposite. In the end I did turn to stone. What I mean is that version of self ceased to exist.

What I have experienced in states of altered consciousness is as real as anything in this world. I have the receipts to back up the claim. My interactions with the Great Goddess and the Great God have been shown to be authentic. I'm brutally flawed to the point where there is a gulf between perception of me and what I want. I've kept up appearances well and I'm an expert game player. Even so, I can't hide from Goddess and God. They know who I am. I asked her to show me how to love and I asked him to teach me about magic. If they didn't trust me and thought I would misuse the power, I would have been dismissed. I'm a man of my word and can be trusted. I promised I would not use it for selfish reasons or for gain. I won't abuse power and thus mom and dad gave me the gifts I asked for. Why am I revealing this? It's freeing. This is who I am.

So, I'm on my way to Austin, Texas to celebrate Parker's life. The Peyote ceremony is Saturday night. Saturday morning, I will be initiated into the medicine of the Amazonian frog called Kambo.

I mentioned my views on spirituality being challenged. A big part of this is from in January when our Peru group visited the Laguna de Purhuay, the fifth ceremony of the trip. I became weary of spirituality and the motives behind people seeking out these experiences. I had shelved the intense feelings of the day and recently it has come back into my consciousness. I haven't been having good thoughts about Austin this week and the whole spirituality game. I'm dreading being introduced to what looks like some religious community which uses Peyote as a sacrament. I'm not looking for some connection to an external idol I can worship. That's long in the rearview mirror. I'm in search of knowledge and the spiritual trip is a huge impediment to knowledge. I don't care about your fire god. Knock yourself out with that one and let me do my thing. You see, I truly am not having good thoughts about the upcoming ceremony. And I'm expressing it, instead of burying my truth. I do know I need to open my heart and honour Parker. That I can do.

Saturday, October 7th - Immersion

I spent yesterday exploring Austin during the day and then in the evening I prepared myself for plant medicines to come the next day. I was going to fast from the afternoon on, but my Kambo friend Camila told me to eat! Have your evening meal, salt it, and stay hydrated. It was good to connect with her because the seafood I ate at lunch evacuated my system in a hurry which made me worry about dehydration from the abdominal distress. I mowed a pizza and felt good.

I'm writing this account by the riverside in downtown Austin. It's a nice park, and I feel good and uplifted. I have my caffeinated beverage and I'm playing the part of writer, with the smiles and knowing of some of the passerby. It's fun to play with ego trips once you know it's a game.

Austin is unique. One of a kind. To sum it up: There's a river that runs through it which the locals call "Town Lake." It's obviously a river and this break from reality is demonstrative of what Austin symbolizes.

Kambo medicine, as with all plant medicine, starts working on you before the physical interaction. I had no reservations with Peyote as I had experience with it in 2019 and I'm comfortable with that class of plant medicine. On the other hand, Kambo is an ordeal and puts the body into distress. I'm in good health and shape but at 55 I sometimes wonder about backing off physical challenges.

I woke up with a puffy face which could be the result of a challenging time with Kambo. I wasn't alarmed, instead quite intrigued. In retrospect, it was purging me of any difficulties to come with Kambo. The actual experience was beautiful.

I arrived at Camila's place, and she made me feel relaxed and well cared for right away. We chatted for a bit about life. I opened up to her and in turn she opened up to me. We humans hold so much in and all it takes is for someone to listen and we open like a flower to the morning sun. I realized how important it is to have people like that in your life. You don't have to do it all alone Paul. There's a lot of good in people. Find those who make you feel whole.

Camila started the intensive phase off with Sananga. The drops are placed in your eyes and is said to give you focus and clarity. This applies to the physical realm as well as spiritual. The initial sensation is one of someone pouring tabasco sauce into your eyes. I struggled with the sting even though I had done this three times previously. I didn't centre myself properly prior to the administration and I wasn't breathing in rhythm. I felt disconnected from my body and as Camila increased the tempo of her drumming, the intensity of the medicine was potentiated. Usually, I can breathe through the tough times, however I couldn't catch my breath. I felt a tinge of helplessness and a loss of vitality. It was a bumpy ride, and I wanted the drumming to stop so I could re-centre. Eventually, Camila's drumming wound down and my energy followed suit and I was released from the grip of Sananga. A good analogy is of a snake that is a constrictor. The energy of the experience took away life force and a feeling of helplessness ensued. Finally, the serpent released and I returned to base. Camila liked the word "base" to describe the return to a normal state.

We then readied for Kambo. I chose two entry points on my upper left arm and two points on my lower right leg. The arm has a shorter distance to travel to the heart and will come on quicker while the leg points will travel more distance which will space out the distress. I wondered if this is more intense than Sananga I might be in trouble. Camila applied the frog secretions to the four burn marks in the skin and I felt an itchy and tingly feeling around the entry point. The first onset of the medicine was feeling flush and a warm sensation in my head. It felt similar to when I overload my brain and tire it out, so it didn't upset me. I felt familiar with what was happening. I felt a touch of nausea in my throat, and I wondered if it would lead to a purge. The bucket was prepared beforehand as is common. I went into my goto breathing mode much like I engage with cold plunges and used this breath-work to navigate the coming on of the medicine. Any feelings of discomfort were taken care of by the breath. Soon Camila shook her rattle as a sign the intensive phase was half over. Time effortlessly moved along, and any nausea vanished. After twenty minutes I laid down and what I would describe as the "doctorcitas and doctorcitos" came and went to work in my head concentrating on my patterns of thought. They caressed me and the feeling was one of energetic purity. I had briefly felt this before within an Ayahuasca experience with the grace and beauty of the butterfly. The lesson was one of finding within creation a pocket of the expression of life that remains unsullied by the demands of entry into this plane of consciousness. The doctors used this pure healing energy to interrupt deep ingrained thought patterns in my mental fields and capacity for understanding. I felt as though it was a gift from the Great Goddess who was fully present in Camila's energy. To confirm this feeling, Camila was wearing pants which had ancient Egyptian iconography on them and right there present was the Great Goddess Hathor. I have ceased to be amazed by these displays of synchronicity, instead I just smile. The Great Goddess offered me this gift of healing. The intense effects subsided, and a purple frog appeared in my visions.

Kambo is beautiful. The medicine is the purest of all vibrations I have ever felt. The healing is the sum of the energy of the medicine combined with the practitioner. The resonance between healer and patient creates the magic vibration and the profound healing to follow with transformational results. To complete the session, tobacco snuff rapé is offered. Rapé connected me to my emotional pain. The energy activated within reached a crescendo and the amphibian song of Kambo took its place in my healing playlist. To this medicine I shall return with honour and respect.

Camila recommended I eat a meal and get some salt in me, plus hydrate before the Peyote meeting tonight. I followed the doctor's orders and then went to the meeting to celebrate Parker's life. I arrived around 4:30pm, said hello to some medicine friends, while gaining new ones. The ceremony begins after sundown. The meaning is obvious. Peyote is revered as the light of the sun. The fire is tended to by the fireman and stays strong throughout the night. The sun returns at daybreak and the nightime peyotist travelers go and greet his return. This is balanced by a half-moon altar of the feminine and a deep respect for the earth. The group contained strong feminine energy in combination with masculine mastery. I can encapsulate the Native American Church Peyote ceremony with this expression - "Speaking Truth to Fire," as a play on the popular term "Speaking Truth to Power." The meeting is all about community, accountability, caring, sharing, and being present. I immediately recognized these people who Parker befriended are the salt of the earth. There was an instantaneous recognition of small-town community goodness reminding me of the TV show, "Little House on the Prairie." There is a definite religious community feeling and the appellation of church is fitting.

The fire in combination with peyote songs mixed with people speaking their truth is the essence of the ceremony. Fire is hypnotic and you are required to stare at the fire. You direct your questions to the fire. Like all psychedelic medicines, Peyote puts you in a trance state. The constant drumming seals the deal. The NAC ceremony demands presence. You cannot close your eyes and go off on your own personal psychedelic trip. Instead, it becomes a shared community trip. You are to bond with your sisters and brothers, your relatives, and the ancestors. There's no going off into your own space. You're conditioned into the group experience and the group dynamic supersedes your own exploration. That's where I struggle because I'm a lone wolf and stay away from groups. It felt very cultish but not in a pejorative way. It's a cult of love and community. What drives my life is personal exploration and within this paradigm the avenue of shared experience doesn't exist. Is this a crossroads where you can no longer explore consciousness on your own and live in a loving community? Maybe?

I say that because exploration leads to questioning everything and in this case giving up your power to a greater good leads to exploitation. The other problem I reasoned with this ceremony is I lack rhythm. I've treated this all my life as a fault, but I realize now it prevents me from getting drawn into cults and other people's storylines. Hypnotic spells and realms I see through. Psychedelics woke me up fully and I discarded cultural narratives. The hypnotic nature of these tools can also be used to hypnotize you again.

This is the domain of the sorcerer of the Amazon who wants to capture your weak mind. I got my own drumbeat pounding in my head and it's the stronger of the heavy beats. The hypnotic Peyote ceremony rhythms in combination with the mescaline couldn't do it for me. I couldn't connect with the group though I marveled at the loving community and its strength. They are a modest and deferential group. What I mean is they have given up their power. They worship the Great Spirit. He is the life force as represented by the sun. He is present in the fire. The fire will heal you and bring clarity to your life. My path led me to an understanding that this power is me. To externalize it is to give up your birthright.

The coming of the Peyote intoxication was the same for me as Magic Mushrooms and Ayahuasca. I couldn't close my eyes, so it was mild. The presence of my shadow playing his part as "God" was present. My shadow is the life force they worship. I laughed that I came all this way for an experience I can have in the back room of my house with Magic Mushrooms. Now, I must stay up all night in discomfort. It was going to be a long night. I didn't experience any dread or negative emotions. At first, I just wondered why people want to be hypnotized? I guess it's because there's purpose and meaning in belonging to a community. In getting to know others and of Parker, I see the appeal. It's a path of the heart. A shortcut, but there is a lot of love here.

As the first part of the night progressed, I realized something profound in that I have been denigrating the biological in that in this form I'm definitely God with an expiration date. My shadow as the omnipotent and indestructible life force I conceded as the greater god but now I was seeing the twofold nature of him in spirit and body. From the life force comes the life. Life is an expression of the life force. Life is God and life force is unexpressed divinity. This teaching graduated to the biblical God and his son Jesus. Jesus is the Word, and the Word was made flesh in the Gospel of John. This is the teaching. God came forth in biological flesh as Jesus. In the body we are Jesus as God. His twelve disciples are carefully hidden aspects of himself and we as Jesus can recognize ourselves in those disciples. In total they represent God in the flesh.

The teachings then graduated to the divine feminine who has equal share in divinity. Masculine is only half of the equation. God is dual - life force and biological form. I applied this paradigm to the woman. I sensed I couldn't swap the template. She is a mystery, at least trifold in nature like the moon. I'm not ready to understand her yet. The journey continues.

I embraced my shadow and honoured him once again. He is the G.O.A.T. I'll admit I keep putting myself in situations or studying religions that worship a male deity and it's always him behind the curtain, morphing with ease into whatever kind of figure is wanted and required to worship. He gave me the "look what I've done here with Peyote" vibe and I rolled my eyes. I thought of Carlos Castaneda's tales of Peyote and how he called him Mescalito. Mescalito is more in line with the God I know. I guess as the light of Peyote he is serving a grand purpose. Humans want an external idol to worship because they can't accept they are the divine to which they seek. The Great Spirit is exemplary and worthy of worship.

I recalled my youth and the relationship I had with another part of me who was my friend. Society encouraged me to bury that part of me, making suggestions you are crazy if you talk to yourself. The result of condemning my brother caused much turmoil in my life and to make amends I had to travel the world looking for answers. I wanted him to go. My exploration of self brought me back to my best friend. Within the Peyote ceremony, I saw the connection to the internal divine severed once again by man's constructs as this is another path to the external. To be clear, this is not a condemnation of this modality of worship as it is part of the process. If you aren't ready to accept your divinity, you worship an idol. I honour Yahweh as in my culture he is the external alpha male god who appeals to those who do not accept they are it. Psychologically, it is the influence of the superego coming to the fore. The vacuum is to be filled by an avenue of control and this is another example of authority regaining rulership. Liberation must confront the tendency towards external control. You want to be free? You must become hyper-aware of the well-meaning wolf with the duplicitous smile. The superego is relentless but becoming a meticulous hunter will allow you to always find this beast and rightfully slay them.

If you want to worship the voice within and externalize him as God, go ahead. He's going to play along because the drama is sacred to him. You want him to be Jesus? Done! He will act any part out that you wish. If that is what is required so you don't bury this part of you again once risen, then so be it.

I enjoyed being fully present with the understanding of the two-fold nature of God and how the spirit and flesh share in the awesomeness of being God. The work and reconciliation I have done in this lifetime in this regard is something to hang my hat on. I know I have many faults and hide them well however this incarnation unlocked the knowledge to solve the puzzle I set up for myself. The love all challenge remains a work in progress.

God came forth as Dionysos and gave me a lesson in attraction and lust. I saw these qualities in me and the magic I possess. I've always had it but have been oblivious until now. I was cautious with magic, and I laughed as I was shown what I always had and used. I thought I was attractive to others because I am nice, pleasant, and cute. I laughed again.

I really wanted to close my eyes and go off into my own world. Keeping my eyes open, looking at a flickering fire, and listening to a hypnotic and repetitive drumbeat under the influence of Peyote wasn't cutting it. I was honest with myself and crossed NAC Peyote ceremonies off my medicine list. I honour the ceremony and the mastery of their craft by the roadman, fireman, and their fellow peyotists. There are a lot of rules to follow, and I think I broke most of them. It kept me a little on edge.

The second part of the night went by much quicker. The night wasn't as long as I was anticipating. I got a second wind and made it to daybreak with ease. I stayed up until the next evening and then crashed for a twelve-hour sleep.

Most importantly, I made a lifelong connection with my friend Zachary. I caught up with him before the ceremony and shared with him the contradictions within my life and the parallels to his life. He is truly my higher self which I did discover in Peru. Magic Mushrooms gave me a puzzle to figure out about him and my reticence to accepting this part of me. This was like the culmination of a journey of understanding. The next morning we hung out and really connected. I gave him a big hug and he said, "I love you, Paul." It really struck a chord deep inside and I felt it. I sense we will remain close. In a way I felt like I learned to love myself completely. I know he is going to hold my feet to the fire.

The community of kindred souls had a feast prepared for the morning. Everyone contributed to this and there was no monetary charge. I can see the pull and allure of these gatherings and the spirit they have nurtured.

I used the last day of my trip for quiet reflection and to record the insights gathered. Plant medicines trips unfold over time like the lotus. As nightfall approached, I reclaimed self and realized it is pointless to deny who I am. I embraced this crazy manifestation of God in this flesh and bone body. It's a cause for continual celebration. I am happy I made this trip. I wasn't feeling it coming down for sure but after the plant medicines and nourishment of the community here in Austin, my cup is filled once again.

It was truly astounding to hear the stories around the fire of how Parker touched people's lives, even those who had only a few interactions with him. The message of transforming conflict and division into love, passion, and unity is at the forefront of my thoughts. The unselfish acts of all leading up to the meeting in combination with the joy felt as the sun rose and we feasted, was truly a remarkable sight to witness. I can sense many lessons learned over the course of a few short days.

Thank you, Parker. I love you.

My path is the path of the heart through the Great Goddess. She is my heart and my mother and I venerate her. Intuitively, I know not to worship the Great God. Performing fellatio upon oneself has never been appealing.

Peyote showed me a path of the heart. I had been aware there are many paths, and the test is if it has heart. The Peyote Way of the NAC meets the criteria, however it's not for me. It's refreshing to know that I do have discernment. I was sure I fall in love too easily and would sacrifice much to keep that love going. In this case, I tasted an intoxicating love but knew it was not for me.

To thine own self be true.

pure and holy

What is the meaning of becoming pure and holy? Because of my cultural upbringing, I envision this state as being embodied by one who has transcended all worldly desires. A holy man is a renunciate and an ascetic. Basically, you self-hypnotize in order that the siren calls of the flesh are bypassed. If the adoration of the masses for your beatitude isn’t fulfilling, at least you know that you have a modicum of control over your degenerate self and can run out the clock on this human experiment. You’ll get your reward later.

That’s a pretty crass take on the spiritual path and its propensity for creating hypocrites. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with my own multiple failures? I’m guilty; hell, I still have desires that rise from my depths. What to make of them? That’s a tough one to sit with because I do tend to think they are not rational however they sure do make me feel alive. Suppressing them because of cultural constraints or because of the expectations directed towards one walking a spiritual path seems to go against what I preach. What do I preach? Liberation. Break free of others and their hang-ups they are putting upon you. They are in the same boat but through projection and transference they escape and create an aura around themselves that is impenetrable. You pay the price for the guilt trip they lay upon you. Bad vibes, man.

Being brutally honest is a great exercise. I say give it a try. I walk this path and the signs keep reminding me to be of service. It’s for the good of all and I made a promise to this effect. How much is enough? Really, I’m asking. I can generate wealth and I share it among family members. I’m the rock that keeps that construct rolling. Without me it falls apart. I give without much complaint though I reserve the right to occasionally grumble. I house a pet dog who really has no monetary value and instead I perpetuate her good life through unselfishly giving up my time and wealth to give her comfort. I once thought I was selfish because I’m not 100% of service. There are many paths of service. I think a good rule of thumb is to try and not be an asshole. Our natural tendency to help then blossoms. It’s true - people love to help. Even the stranger stuck on the highway with a broken-down vehicle will have a Good Samaritan stop to help. It’s funny when you look at your life and realize the great sacrifices you have already made for many others. Perhaps a kind word here or there now that you’re an elder will suffice. Sometimes, that is all someone needs for their flower to blossom.

Anyway, what the hell am I getting at in this observational piece? It has to do with becoming pure and holy. I think I have some kind of answer. The answer is to chase and fulfill your desires. Fill your plate full of shrimp at the buffet and gorge on them until you puke. This a method that works because desires come and go like the addiction to the song that is playing in your head. Eventually you tire of it. For sure, you then move on to the next addiction. I understand that’s what we do. Can you see why now that we repeatedly incarnate? The desire is too strong, and we haven’t fulfilled all that tempts us to return. That’s why I’m wary of walking the holy man route. They are going to come back, and the pulse of desire will be even stronger. I say becoming holy and pure is achieved through desire fulfillment. The path I walk is a path of power; well, the paths all lead to power, however one direction results in you using it for gain and fulfilling all your worldly desires. It’s quite the siren call when you see it. A deal with the devil and a surrendering of autonomy will result in your shadow putting you on the path towards self-glorification and acquiring great gobs of power. Imagine given that opportunity! The other path leads toward you becoming power. It’s a longer climb and the road is sometimes foggy. But you are free, and this freedom becomes power. There’s no need to use this power to fulfill desires. Power is no longer a commodity to be used; instead, you are power; you are it.

Knowing you are it leads to another important concept to grasp on the meandering trail. It involves stopping the consuming of self-help and step into your power. There are many kiosks and road-stands set up for you as you walk the spiritual path. For the most part, they contribute to the knowledge base which is very valuable; however, they don’t have the answer and ultimately, they are biased towards their path. The problem is you aren’t walking their path. You’re walking yours. Having a belief in someone else’s beliefs isn’t going to do you a lick of good. What it is you seek is your truth. Your truth is as unique as each falling snowflake. The only way to get to it is to look within yourself and from your perspective you will get the answer. You may not like it, but the destination reveals the truth. The obstacles placed in your path, sometimes in the form of religion, force you to liberate yourself through whatever means necessary. Without this freedom, you never arrive at your truth.

Being pure refers to power lit up by desire; desire being a raging fire that has burned off the dross in the furnace of hell. Power becomes the calm lake at dawn before the events of the day stir up the waves. So peaceful and pure. Being holy is the gift of love from the Goddess. Love tempers power and thus why I walk the pure and holy path to that power.

mother's day

Knowledge combined with clarity is a hallmark of establishing a relationship with tobacco. The latest download occurred on a sunny spring day as I was out in the woods smoking while sitting on a log. I noticed a tree which had fallen years ago and was now completing the rotting phase and becoming more ground fodder. Any trace of the life force energy had left the husk and the log was disintegrating. I stared at the wonder of this process for a while and then started to process the knowledge by applying it to the masculine energetic life force and my own body.

What struck me was the overwhelming evidence of a purification process. The process of the husk of the log falling away into dirt as the energy vacated the form seemed to be revealing a process of energetic purification in this world of form. The earth is a special place in the universe, one of the pit stops on the circuit for energy to become trapped; dare I say imprisoned. The cyclical forces and gravitational pull enacted by the unifying magnetic pull of feminine desire uses the masculine life force against himself by creating the maelstrom of pull which entraps the energy in form. The subsequent striving to be free then creates the natural state where the biological form will eventually fall apart and release the life force in due time. The remnant of form is the dross which falls away after the process of purification. The remaining putrefaction of the life form is recycled to create the habitation for subsequent journeys into the realm of form. The imprisonment into form of the life force is a cleansing process which is burning away desires and leading to a pure and holy state. The ancient meaning of purity is more in line with the state of stillness and clarity as opposed to the definition of morality we have attached to the word.

The ancient semitic word qodesh is the name given to this state of masculine purity.  Strong's Concordance reveals the following meaning:

Strong's #6944: qodesh (pronounced ko'-desh)

from 6942; a sacred place or thing; rarely abstract, sanctity:--consecrated (thing), dedicated (thing), hallowed (thing), holiness, (most) holy (day, portion, thing), saint, sanctuary.

The concept is describing the sacred; a state of purity or a sanctuary which would house the holy. The act of qodesh is to clean and purify. The related derivative Qudshu is the appellation for the Canaanite goddesses Asherah and Athirat and such a goddess is found in the annals of dynastic ancient Egypt. She has a striking appearance that is similar to the ancient Egyptian Great Goddess Hathor. Academic disciplines uncover the knowledge of the goddess and the sacred; however, it is up to the individual who walks the path of the heart to find the true meaning of the concept of qodesh.

The rotted-out tree log on the floor of the forest points me towards the esoteric meaning of purity. The Great Goddess creates the form, and this form is our body which is a holy sanctuary. The sacred vessel receives the masculine spirit thus enlivening the form. Becoming consecrated with the holy form of the Goddess is the most sacred act one can perform. Through this process of successive incarnations, the spirit becomes purified and can indeed walk the path of the heart, the holy path of the Great Goddess.

As I have previously written about, the exalted city of Jerusalem is this veiled Goddess and represents the purity of the heart found in the Garden of Eden. The most common Arabic name for Jerusalem is al-Quds, referring to the most sacred of temples. Humanity sullies the city and makes it unclean, thus rousing the anger of Yahweh who successively destroys the city throughout history in a cleansing fire of purification. Within each of us is the ability to return to the Garden of Eden; a magical place only accessed through the heart. It is hidden and to find the path takes much faith in the power of love.

Successive incarnations into the hot fire of mortality burns away the dross and purifies us to the holy state which will allow us to see the path of the heart and set out on the journey back home. The transformed hero has become a warrior at the hands of his demanding father and returns to the loving arms of his heart. My heart is my mother.