rear-view mirror crossroads

Do desires follow your energetic pattern through to the next adventure? Is that your karmic predicament? Is that what we have the chance to do in life: Attain self-mastery and control over the demons? The demons who are teachers.

There is a need to take an honest look at yourself. To see if you are in balance and are integrating what you have learned. This evaluation has to have no mercy. Do you have the requisite discipline? Why have you foregone the need to play? Why so serious? Ultimately, what is your intention? There’s no need to wait for ceremony to set an intention. Set an intention in consensus reality. 

I have tried to blame my shadow for all of my life's failings. These failings are my lack of self-mastery and getting caught up in and addicted to desires. Desires that take away my freedom and further bury me into cultural servitude. I know they can be bad for me so normally I can practice restraint while I have temporary mastery over myself. When I lose that control, I zone out into another consciousness that is focused upon a single-minded fulfilment of desire. I blame this other consciousness on my shadow but come to think of it he is just observing my actions. As Ram Dass would say, the observer is just peacefully sitting in non-judgment saying, "Eating pizza again." It’s the weakness of Apollo that is being witnessed and the subsequent all too human projection of blame on something external or a convenient scapegoat. The human race has never been good at accepting responsibility for its actions. The following reflection upon my actions leads to self-doubt and judgment of the self when I'm honest with the reality of the situation.

Desire lights me up, makes me feel good and high, and then comes the low. The teacher within tells me you cannot transcend desire. Desire comes, you choose whether to fulfill it or not, and you move on. It will come again in due time or you will invite it back. The invitation is the addiction, especially if you know it's not good for you.

Ultimately, are we felled by our own desires as a check upon what we create? Is it a failsafe activated when our construct starts to oppress? The way out of life is to chase desires which will destroy all.

You are always being tested. Little ones here and there you flunk and learn from. We all have that big one, undoubtedly related to one of the seven deadly sins. It’s that mind spell that keeps fucking us up and you need something to help snap out of it. Psychedelics can help. Ultimately, it’s not the drug but what it reveals within. Psychedelics are not the only route but to quantify what can help you get out of the trap is impossible. It’s random happenstance and in the end, you can just pray for help and hope it comes. Christians call it grace.

Are you ready? Look within and make the commitment if you are. No more weakness or vacillating between forging steel and chasing desires. If it’s time then grab the ring and let’s get to it. If you aren’t ready and self-discipline is still a problem, continue flopping like a fish out of water. I have the keys to self-mastery and I know what it takes. Everything becomes a choice as opposed to an addiction. I was at the crossroads. The path was open and I either took it or it would fall by the wayside, hoping maybe someday it will present another opportunity for me to take that road. Yeah, I know, time’s running out. In other words, I have to do it now because it’s now or never. I don't want to lead a desperate life of non-fulfillment. I stayed on this difficult path when I could have run because I didn’t want to wake up an old man full of regrets. I feel the same way now. I have to do this and it has to happen now. I took up the challenge.

I do know my shadow is never going to give up on me even if he has to kill me. That’s the rub; I want to do it in this lifetime. I’ve come this far and I don’t want to have to take on another incarnation and once again struggle to reach this point. What are the odds? Onward ho!

paths of meaning

I’m exhibit ‘A’ in regards to the dangers of psychedelic drug use. Everything in this blog space I have written from 2013 and on is tinged with the results of taking these drugs. You should sit down and read it all; some crazy stuff! Time to put a lid back on these substances for sure! I’m just fooling with ya. If you are interested in opening your mind, expanding consciousness, delving deep into your fundamental makeup, learning that love is all that matters, or engaging in an affair with nature, then possibly these agents of consciousness might be for you.

From a personal standpoint, I declare the plant medicine path the greatest life course available to a human being looking to get at the root of what this all means. Your results may differ and you may find a more serene path towards what it is you spiritually seek. I was so ensconced in my logic and reason that I needed the heavy dose in order to ‘see.' We all come at it from different backgrounds and experiences, ensuring that a similar outcome for all cannot be baked into the cards however I do know that you will gain much knowledge of self and the world at large. What you subsequently do with that knowledge and the path you pursue is your choice.

 

Taking substances that alter your consciousness is not looked upon favourably by society. Agents of consciousness are repressed and banned out of fear. The fear is that it will alter the way we perceive reality and change the way we think about how a society should operate. It’s true; they will do exactly that by freeing you from the hold culture has upon your thinking and actions, especially the power and control games. Society and its culture need you to play their game or it doesn’t work. Every society exists by sending out a narrow vibe that we all lock to in order to be like-minded and share values and customs. This in turn allows us to create extended tribes that become nations. We are subsequently duty bound to our group. Being like-minded breaks down your natural pull towards independence and you become easier to herd and control. Culture has established the canon of available and acceptable mind spaces we have the ability to traverse and has validated the fully awake, focused, alert, and problem-solving state as the ideal. Dreaming is dismissed as frivolous, the psychedelic experience is considered deviant, the day dreamer is scorned, and silent contemplation, reflection, and thought are looked upon with suspicion. Trivialities of pop-culture are presented to us in order to prevent any further inquiry. Culture is a non-stop attempt at distraction that largely succeeds. Acting outside the norms leads to being sent to a psychiatrist to figure out why you aren’t fitting in. In extreme cases, you get locked up in prison or a mental institution. The majority, who play within the bounds of the accepted frequency, are shielded from the crazies who are trying to tell them something. In order for society to have staying power, it must control access to any agent of introspection and change.

 

One way to suppress these substances is to demonize and assign psychedelics to the forces of darkness. I have heard the talk about the chemicals and how some view them as demonic, some say they will make you go crazy, some say they foster escapism from the realities of life, some say it gives you a false sense of enlightenment, and so on. I’ll agree and say there is validity to all those concerns. Crazy by whose standards? Isn’t it crazy to live out your life following the same dull and lifeless routine over and over again? Isn’t existence more than that modality? I’ll admit I’m very interested in the demonic aspect of them. The second time I altered my consciousness, I had the proverbial bad trip. It scared me beyond my foundations and it was dark. I met a demon hidden deep within my being. I totally concur these substances can lead to the demonic; in other words, they can help you confront your demons. What you do with that opportunity is your business. Most will run, hide, and deny it. That is also the intention of the darkness within because it is one of the first tests to reveal your intentions and subsequent fortitude. At some point, anyone who takes a psychedelic is going to scare the shit out of themselves. It’s a given. The choice usually becomes do I give up the agents of consciousness or continue on and embrace strategies that lead to the high of love and light? With the high comes the low. When you alter your consciousness, especially as a beginner, you roll the dice on where you are headed. With experience, you can mitigate the lows and develop strategies that allow you to move past the darkness within. Eventually, you regress the experience to the mean; in other words, the crazy days of exploration are over. Due to the implementation of strategies used to control the experience, the exploration of consciousness will be severely curtailed. Chasing the temporary high will work and you can further bury the darkness and the opportunity you had for confrontation and learning. I’ll admit to a little bit of that behaviour though I was always cognizant of and harangued by this demon and the darkness. It became obvious that surrender was the option to take if the course was to continue.

 

I exhausted the path towards love and light. I know the answer is love. The teacher of inclusion explained it very well and it is my duty to project that out into my life. You can’t live within ceremony for the rest of your life. Eventually comes graduation and you are sent out into the world. But school was so much fun! If you want to continue on this life journey then the master’s degree involves self-mastery. Self-mastery is the domain of the darkness and the hold your desire demons have on you. Your deepest, darkest adversary is your greatest teacher. Make of this what you will but I’m telling you straight out, no punches held back, and giving you the truth. I didn’t initially write or talk much about this part of my experience because I wasn’t comfortable with it. I wasn’t sure if it was just me? Eventually, I accepted the darkness instead of trying to vanquish it. Thus, began a transformation of my relationship with the demon within.

 

When I learned that love is the answer, I knew I didn’t have to keep searching anymore. There was no doubt about it and I knew that knowledge was just a sideshow at this point and the only thing that mattered was love. Knowing this, I decided I wanted to continue on in my journey aboard this ship of fools that has no destination and as far as I can tell it never ends. Acquiring knowledge gets me out of bed in the morning. I know the sequence: Acquire objective knowledge, synthesize the information, and get understanding. Like a flower, subjective intuitive wisdom blossoms. So, I have kept at it and have gone farther along on this path. The plant medicines schooled me and let me know I have to completely surrender if I’m going to get anything out of the experience. It was clear I could navigate the experience however steering my ship away from the abyss meant I’d never find out what’s in the abyss. If you keep searching, eventually the dark caverns of self beckon and you have to make a choice: Do I explore or sail on past, missing out on something available to me? As this realization has come to me, I look back now on a few recent Ayahuasca ceremonies with a little regret because nothing really happened. One of them, the energy load was the strongest I’ve ever felt but there were limited visions. Ayahuasca delivered a potent message. Eventually, I always get the message. Do you want to let go and dive deep or just be content with always being in control? It was clear that if I did not let go then the ship will stay in port.

 

The last Ayahuasca vision of February 2020 was the Goddess in a cage. The cage opened and I flew up to greet her. Over half a year later I know exactly what she was showing me. Let her be free and she will take me to what it is I seek. She has shown me visions of her being held prisoner in a castle made of gold and shut up in a bird cage. From these situations, she has implored me to take up my sword and defeat her husband who imprisons her. After much soul searching, I came to realize I am that man; the hero and the villain. She armed me with the tools and inner fortitude needed to defeat the monster of my own making. For maximum efficacy, she needs to be free. I wasn’t ready until now for the next step with Ayahuasca. It involves a complete surrender and letting go. Past scars were still holding me back. I had walked up to the precipice of the deep and dark cavern and I peered in. I saw the darkness but didn’t want to jump. I know I’m going back and I’m going to jump.

 

Within the depths of self, I found the monster of my own making. He was me and I manifested him in altered states as a demon. After taking up my sword and battling him to a draw, I finally realized I had created the whole situation. I buried him and in turn he locked up the Goddess. I realized my inner life had played out just like the exterior life we lead. I rebelled from my parents, moved out of home, and went my own way. I broke free of my father’s grasp and my mother’s smothering. I demonized his controlling nature and caged the spirit of my mother. The bravery, courage, and wisdom of masculine archetypes I eschewed while the unconditional love of the mother I rejected. She was always waiting for me to return and my eternal father was waiting to teach his son to become a warrior at any cost. To gain my freedom, I imprisoned those who gave me life. It’s time to rectify the whole situation. It really does all start with liberation.

 

I understand this is all hard to accept or even believe. Personally, I avoided for seven years the reconciliation of this knowledge I had unearthed in my depths. If I want to free myself on this path, I have to go into the meaning of all I have been given access to and to not deny anymore the darkness, what it has revealed to me, and what it teaches me.

hypocrite

If you do not want to be a spiritual hypocrite, you need to get your act together before you start projecting and preaching your light. The crash and self-loathing will come hard if you don’t. It’s okay, we all have our moments where we are pieces of shit. We all have our needs, wants, and desires. If you do not master your desires, they will forever harangue you and influence your behaviour. They will present at the most inopportune times. The spiritual path blueprint, if I were to draw one up, starts at going into the darkness and the depths of your being.

No one wants to do that, we all of course head for the light. I wouldn’t say it’s a shortcut but it is a shiny object on the spiritual path which attracts us like a magnet. Being holy is a way to be successful in life as it’s the same life game we always play, just transferred onto the spiritual path. Eventually, we plant medicine users all get a taste of the darkness and call it the bad trip, therefore we develop strategies to avoid a repeat of that journey. Some of us get good at it and others tap out. The result of this behaviour is that we anesthetize the whole experience. Love and light baby!

Plant medicine experiences present the extremes which encompass the love and bliss of an exalted state and the hauntingly dreadful darkness of self. So here’s the thing: The darkness is present for a reason. It’s demanding reconciliation. It offers shortcuts out and this easy power is taken at your own peril because you never end up mastering the darkness; instead you become its puppet. I now have hindsight and I know I made all the decisions one would expect except these ones: I kept my freedom, never took the darkness up on offers of power, nor did I play the holy man game. Being free allowed me to eventually explore this darkness and subsequently I went through its ringer of tests and came out the other side. I know in 2008 I started poking around at the meaning of life and in 2013 I started perturbing consciousness. It’s only now in 2020 that I can say I’ve risen from the depths of self. I have finally mastered self. If I could go back in time that’s what I’d tell myself back in 2008. Master your own inner desires because until you do that you will be a slave to them and it will constantly set you back and for some it will destroy you. That’s the thing about your demons; if you follow them they will end you or make you a monster however they are ultimately teachers. Otherworldly teachers whom we demonize! It’s a bad rap as shouldn’t teachings have dire consequences in order to enable supreme efficacy? If you fail in our society, it’s met by a shoulder shrug, a pat on the head, and a try to do better next time. How about if you fail you lose everything and face death? That’s pretty motivating. The darkness as a teacher is the most demanding and worthwhile teacher I have ever encountered. I misread him for the longest time and treated him as a mortal adversary. In a way, it’s true. He would have destroyed my life or even killed me if I failed and I would have cursed him for this result. Many times he came for me, forced me to do better, to search for answers, until finally I got it.

The spiritual path, when engaged, leads immediately to a pursuit of the light. We strive to become good and shed the selfish behaviours of our past. With the wave of our spiritual wand, all of the dubious traits of our former persona vanishes. With plant medicines it actually does happen. It all vanishes and we go on the trip. We feel good about what we have embarked on and we are radiating our new found enlightenment. When we return home we still have it and we let others know. And then it starts to wear off and we are challenged by our old habits and avenues of misfortune which leads back to the darkness and desires. A taste of the light is intoxicating however to live in that state permanently requires some deep shadow work. There is a need for self-mastery and without it, the cycle of despair will continue forever. High and low. Elation and self-loathing. Light and dark.

We end up hiding our darkness within our new found spirituality, hoping that we can contain it this way. Turning towards the light allows us a reprieve from all those desires we used to chase and we go all in on the spiritual trip. Eventually, they will come back even stronger; they aren’t going anywhere. The only way out is through. Heading towards the light without first integrating the darkness is a fool’s errand. Do not suppress nor try to defeat desire or one up darkness. Instead, the answer is to master the self.

class

Desires we all have and left unchecked they will motivate and control your actions. Eventually, you will become a puppet and slave to desire; it's built into the system, system being culture. For the player of the game of life, they are a challenge beyond compare and for those with the foresight to see it, a teaching tool. Master your desires, lest they master you. They will amp up the game to what you desire and always require more. If you wish to increase the stakes and face your destruction, then it’s game on! Ultimately, the best way to learn is to face adversity and the optimal way to grow is to head into the darkness of self. Living at the top of the mountain, bathed in light, is a great experience for sure but in the end it will make you soft. Renunciation and asceticism are a cop-out. I know, I tried it and found out those desires you tried to run from were always waiting for when you fell. It’s no fun knowing deep down you are a hypocrite. There was no transcendence of my own bad self; instead I just put off the inevitable reckoning. What a difficult struggle and psychological predicament. I couldn’t shake the demons though I wanted desperately to rid myself of this curse. What to do? The frustration was beyond anything I had ever faced.

The darkness always gets its turn; the desires of life always return. They follow the timeless pulsation of life, so be ready for it, study it, and when the time comes you become the master instead of the puppet. Facing your desires is the greatest teaching tool because you realize it’s life and death. Seriously, think about it. Examine your desires and the pull they have on you and how if you fall prey to them they will drag you down into the dumpster and kill you or alternatively to realize desires of power and wealth you will have to step on others and stomp them out to reach that goal. I won’t give you an example here but just let you sit with this idea. Think of your greatest desires and play them out to where they are leading you and what it will entail. The greatest teacher has to raise the stakes. You can deny this is the case for only so long until the day comes when the last step is before you. Will you snap out of the hypnosis or double down?

Chasing desires are a form of hypnosis in that when you break free of them and become the master you look back and realize your behaviour was being influenced by a pull that was not exactly rational, not to say that actions always have to be rational. Culture leads you towards desire fulfillment but also makes you suppress natural desires. You essentially become a puppet of culture and some play the fame and fortune game it pulls us towards. Our gastronomic fantasies are waiting to be fulfilled and will entrap those with a predilection towards mouth pleasure. Alcohol is available to bewitch those easily addicted to escapism. The seedy side and outcasts of society exists to feed the suppressed sexual and pharmacological desires.

In relation to desires, I was meditating upon purpose again. Fundamentally, there is no purpose or meaning to existence. It just is. There is nothing you need to do; nor do you need to save yourself. You are eternal and will continue on in the journey. Don’t worry about annihilation. However something still nags at me. You see, I have incarnated and I am faced by these challenges. I need to overcome these desires or perish. It’s a peculiar situation related to where life on earth currently stands. As a species, we have solved a lot of the food and shelter problems as long as you participate in culture therefore there is ample time to ponder purpose and chase desire. I still look within and wonder: I could be better; I could level up and master my humanity. A good parallel is my employment. I have mastered it. I know it and nobody has to tell me I have. There is no doubt. Imagine transferring that mastery to life? I know the scope is much larger but it is a lifelong project and really what else do I have to do? Why not?

I have taken note that we all have wants, needs, and desires, no exceptions, and I know personally I have been a slave to my desires. A lot of times, it’s all or nothing. I could drink a cup of coffee in no time flat. A bottle of beer used to disappear fast. Buy a big chocolate bar or a big bag of chips and within no time I’d eat the whole thing. I could discipline myself to make these occasions treats, however once involved there would be a head first dive into the situation. I always held back a bit from the temptation of going full on into hedonism. Was it shame, health concerns, or my own way of keeping things fresh and balanced while holding back something to look forward to?

Another thing I’ve noticed is the need for always more. One bottle of beer isn’t enough. I stopped drinking over seven years ago because I realized where that was headed and if I ever wanted to accomplish anything in my life I’d have to give up the stultifying effects of alcohol. It wasn’t hard to do and I had no desire to go back to that lifestyle. With other desires and habits, I see the same demand of more to feed the demon or fetishize the pleasure. We humans are so easily hypnotized into behaviours. We are weak.

My spiritual journey of over a decade has been pretty rewarding. Facing fear head on was huge and coming out victorious is pretty special, especially when I was faced with being a coward and being stomped out. I’m a jaguar, a warrior, I have courage, and I’m not weak. I know it deep down in my soul. I have strength and will take on all. I feel like I’ve been through the fires of incarnation in a process to forge steel. If anything, that has been the purpose of my life. Transcending limiting behaviours and growing into the ultimate jaguar warrior has been a goal. Albeit an unconscious goal at first that takes a lifetime but here I am post middle age knowing I’m on that path. 

The most challenging teacher as the catalyst for this transformation has been the darkness that lies within. The Hindus in their chakra system of Rāja yoga, call it the base Muladhara chakra and it's where you will find the great Sri Ganesha.

The power from this base chakra is what animates our existence and is in the bowels of our being, with a connection to excretions. When I went to Peru early this year and drank Ayahuasca, the first ceremony took me deep into my darkness. The vision was one of a toilet and the depths of this hell. What a direct metaphor! I’m constantly amazed at the visions and their meanings which gives me months, and years, of a challenge to unravel the symbolism, teachings, and relationship to my journey. The teacher has put me to the test and challenged me to go deeper into my addictions, taunted me, threatened me with death, and hounded me with my desires. As long as the ganas, Hindu desire demons, controlled me the spiritual beatings would continue. It took me a long time to get the upper hand on all of it. It was a relentless battle, full of constant failure but when I finally won I pretty much knew it immediately. It’s that intuitive knowledge of mastery I related earlier about work. 

Another name for the great Ganesha is Ganapati, which basically means lord of desire. Ganesha is the master. He appears with his fat and satiated belly and a bowl of sweets, reminding you of desires and our western seven deadly sins. He is the master of the ganas and they are desires placed in your path to teach you. The renunciate, sitting atop the mountain in his asceticism, has fled from them thinking he can run out the clock on desire. This school of life involves mastery and it’s a serious game. You must master your desires it you want to become the ultimate warrior.

I have had a massive realization concerning the darkness I have dealt with all my life and the darkness I have faced when I have altered my consciousness. At first, I feared this realm and the entity that inhabited it. I ran from it. I returned and I faced up to it. I was threatened, challenged, avoided it, watched it come back, and realized I could never transcend it. Most importantly, I kept at it. Once I had the courage, I became curious and inquisitive. I have been relentless, though a little guarded. Anyways, I am at the point where I finally realized something amazing. It’s a huge test of strength and courage. Fear will constantly challenge you and get you if you are weak. It will run you into the ground and turn you into a cowering mess and even try to kill you. It’s definitely not something for the timid. I get it now. On this path, most come to a fork in the road: Stop and take the path back to safety and give up the seeking or head right to the light, climb the spiritual mountain, and become holy and righteous, though somewhat intolerable. Nobody sees the hidden path on the left or they pay no mind to it. It’s dark, uninspired, unpaved, and full of obstacles. Keep going where the path heads into the dark and carve out the path no one dares to tread, or if they do they get lost or seduced by power. I’ve been there, survived, and I know the darkness within respects me because I have courage, resolve, and I see it for what it is. It’s the ultimate challenge and it’s where you will find the greatest source of available inner fortitude and strength. It’s unassailable. I stand at the ready to claim my inheritance. The last hurdle in my way, bent on destroying me, I have defeated. I’m ready now.

If there can be ascertained a purpose to life then this has to be it; well in the case of my coming forth in this incarnation as a member of the masculine polarity. I finally mastered my desires before they decimated me. It was a helluva battle. I feel so strong right now. I can’t rest on my laurels or accomplishments. I’m heading into that darkness and exploring. You see no one has ever done this. Those who touch and engage in a dalliance with the darkness are the insane and depraved. I’ve declined the offers of power and defeated the onslaught of the army of my own making. I’m unencumbered, free, and taking notes.

Suicide, insanity, depravity, and paranoia. Going into the darkness of one’s self is pretty much up there with having a cage match with a shark in an underwater arena. And you have no scuba gear. You are going to get knocked around, bloody and beaten. Sometimes we foolishly venture into the ring and other times life beats us down into the depths of despair from which we can’t escape. The all-encasing suffocating despair is deadly. What I’m trying to say is the darkness either kills or psychologically alters you forever. I fall into the fool category and I saw it and I ran. It profoundly affected me psychologically to the point where I had to fight back and then muster the courage to face it once again. Something though happened along the path and I discarded the fear. I was still gun shy though about the whole return. Eventually after levelling up to embrace the jaguar and become a warrior, I traced this stunning evolution of self back to the darkness. I understood it was the master teacher. This readies the student to now go further.

Our western concept of a demon involves thinking it is evil. It represents those behaviours and desires that haunt you. The devil made me do it. Desire led me to this behaviour. It’s an antagonist and adversary bent upon your destruction. Look at it another way and find the truth. These evil spirits are your greatest teachers. So great they will kill you if you ultimately fail the course. Best to drop out than continue on this path.

Go into the darkness, embrace the riddle, as here the mystery lies. You can't bypass the darkness. Running from fear, owns you.

In the battle with the adversary within, at one point he offers the shortcut to power. Most will take it; it’s the easy way. Power acquired this way has consequence. Giving into desires and accepting unearned power reveals instantly you aren’t worthy. It’s a device used by the master teacher to discover your true intentions. Power will only not corrupt when wielded by someone who has attained self-mastery and will not give in to the temptation to use the power to fulfill desire.

It’s warrior training school to transform you from being weak into a forged block of strong steel. The darkness within can become your ultimate ally and source of unmatched inner strength and fortitude. The only catch is it doesn’t suffer weaklings. You will be put to the test and want to run and hide. He will keep coming for you, especially once challenged. It’s the fight of your life. You can back down and go cower in the corner and hope he doesn’t come for you and end it. If you can muster the courage and stand up for yourself, take the punches, and fight back you’ll earn respect. It’s not over. Forging steel is tough work. The jaguar comes to check out its prey and see if you are willing to fight. You’ll still think of ways to transcend the darkness, give it up, and become pure and holy. Fair enough but that was your chance. Hardly anyone makes it this far as something sidetracks or gets you. If you keep going eventually you’ll realize it. You can never transcend the darkness but you can harmonize it with the light. Only then do you get let in on the secret. A vast reservoir of strength and power lies in the darkness.

The fight of my life is over; I’m through to the other side. My weaknesses I have moved passed. I can navigate my inner word now with impunity and am free to explore this gift.

I’m not sure I can teach this to others. It’s hard to recommend, embrace, or explore something that can kill you. That’s better left to individual choice. Counsel can be offered and hints provided of what lies within however everyone has to make their own choice whether they want to pursue it. The pitfalls are too serious to take responsibility for someone’s choice. And I think the only way through is by yourself. I’ll can lend you a flashlight.