kill thyself

Hamlet said the question is: "To be or not to be." My teacher says the question is whether you will, “Kill yourself in order to live." That is the real question Horatio. The master teacher suggested this course of action to me. At this stage in my consciousness journey, I knew what he was talking about. I didn’t take it literally as I might have when I first embraced divine knowledge on this strange voyage; instead, I knew it was metaphor. In order to be free, I need to lose my identity. I cling to my identity, and it drives my behaviour, which in turn allows culture and those close to me to influence my actions because I do not want to let down or deviate from the expectations of my persona that have been created. The teacher stresses to me all the time that if it is liberation I truly seek, I have to let go of the self I have jointly created.

I think we have it wrong. Having a fixed identity is what I’m talking about as identity is the backbone of culture. During a Huachuma ceremony a few years back, I experienced a dissociation with this fixed identity of self, and I was shown a closet full of different suits I could wear. In other words, the vision was revealing I could become or play the part of several different roles available but I, as well as everyone else, always get up in the morning and put on the same damn suit! That was six years ago. My shadow has presented this scenario a number of times; I am not dense so I do get it, but the teaching can get lost in the confusion of life. By this assertion I mean I do finally understand that if I want to be totally free, as in liberated, I have to let go of my identity and in essence kill myself to live. I’ve tasted the fruits of liberation and it’s bliss but I’m hesitant to go all the way because projecting into the future a world without my fixed identity looks like hardship and more suffering. No one said being free is glamorous and it’s undeniably true. I’ve mentioned this before, but I walked past a homeless man and the voice inside me whispered, “He’s free.” Yeah, he is. I’m not sure I’d make that trade though.

What I have come to realize after seeking answers is that you don’t have to identify with identity. Identity is a noun and nouns are dead things. This universe is a verb; it is constantly transforming and defined by motion. The Tao Te Ching teaches us of the watercourse way and to be in harmony with the Tao is to just let things flow. Applying this teaching to the problem of identity and liberation is stunning. In essence, identity is not intended to be fixed but left to transform with the watercourse. When a certain behaviour or predicament no longer serves you, just let it go and have it fall away. Transform like the butterfly. Looking at it from the long game we already do this to a degree. What identified me as a child no longer interests me. My collection of hockey and baseball cards has been gathering dust for about 25 years now! Day to day we can’t see that we do naturally evolve identity, just as we grow our hair, and if we could see it this act would give us permission to just let it go. For sure, it upsets those around you who depend on you being stable in order to add stability to their lives but like a noxious weed this behaviour chokes out your growth. Your evolving identity will eventually be used against you, and you will be labelled an old person and sent to an internment camp or should I say seniors' residence to wait your turn to die.

There’s a line in the movie Fight Club that reminds us, "It’s only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything." This speaks towards becoming liberated and being told by my teacher to "kill yourself in order to live." Everything you lay claim to, as in attachments, will weigh you down and enslave you to a life dictated by culture. Therefore, you must give it all up and face the destruction of self and the subsequent pain and suffering in order to struggle and create something new. This obviously brings up another question in as men we seem to be locked into this endless struggle to create and destroy but are we not just spinning the hamster wheel? If I destroy the self not of my own making and become liberated, why would I want to create something new that will just devolve into another edifice of control and enslavement? Is what we always return to is the need for autonomy and freedom? If I don’t try to organize my life and to a greater degree society what is the natural flow of things?

Having an identity is playing it small. You become an actor in the play on the grand stage of life but in truth you are much more. To lose your identity is to be that much closer to a realization of who you really are. With plant medicines and psychedelic drugs, the experience sometimes takes you to a mind state called ego death where you find this unity and realize we are all one and this one has many roles to play. Granted ego death isn’t fun and the subsequent paranoia might put a damper upon this realization of bliss but if you do it multiple times, you’ll get used to it. The takeaway from this experience is you are it and knowing all is one means you are that one. You made it happen. This is the road the master teacher is pointing you towards which involves discarding identity to find freedom. To stick a knife in your identity is a major leap of faith. He’s telling me if I give up my ego self, I’ll reclaim knowledge of who I truly am and will in essence become once again the writer and director of the play. I entered my drama and fulfilled my part. I also created a hidden and shady character I now call the master teacher and put him off-limits to all and then spent a lifetime seeking him out. A mythical dragon of sorts. He is an oracle used to confirm my folly and grant me the light to see the doorway out of this story. It’s been quite the ride and a pretty good novel that is reaching its climax.

projections of self

Ever since I began my exploration with psychedelics what has intrigued me to no end has been the darkness or what some may call the lower self and I refer to him throughout this blog space as my shadow. I spent many years and ceremonies fighting him before I had an about face and started to get to know this aspect of self. We are brothers and we continuously fight however now that I’m awake and aware of my psychic split I have been making amends and am on my way towards reconciliation, inner peace, and harmony. I will get there and it will be soon.

I have written a great deal about this relationship and my intent in this post is to not rehash this part of my journey. Rather, I wish to explore what is called my higher self. It is another concept of the psyche and I have for the most part neglected it on this spiritual path of mine. Weird, right? It is strange because it is the ideal everyone on the vaunted and hallowed spiritual path heads towards and considers the pinnacle of spiritual achievement. The good old pure and holy sect. I’m very curious and eventually I do get around to examining all facets of what I have gotten myself into. Nothing is sacred or off-limits, demon or angel. Conceptually, this higher self is resembling the ideal that a great deal of the big religions push upon their flocks as the ultimate in spiritual attainment. I’m referencing here the Buddha Mind and Christ Consciousness. In Christianity, the ideal of Christ as being selfless and loving is tinged with the idea of judgment. You are being judged and are expected to become like Christ and as a human it is an impossible task.

Now, this aspect of judgment leads me to believe the God we humans created can be thought of as the psychological concept of the superego where the superego takes on the role of shepherding you into your place in culture and society and dictates what is expected of you. If you do not live up to these expectations, you are shamed into conforming. From birth to death there is always an authority figure in our lives beginning with our parents until we rebel as we mature. Society and government then assume the role of authority when we give in and decide to play the culture game in order to access the rewards of life. There is always this layer of conforming to someone else’s wishes that prevents us from being really free. So, when we transfer the authority figure onto the religious racket we get the ideal that the parishioners are trying to live up to and failure to do so leads one to believe they have a way to go before they become pure and holy. This understanding of the higher self leads me into thinking that this concept of the higher self we strive for is just another way we have transferred our need for authority onto the spiritual path when in truth the game is to become free.

I get this intuitive feeling that the higher self is an obstacle on the path that obfuscates and prevents you from accessing the inner knowledge of self and who you are that in turn will set you free. It’s an exquisite game and the game board designer was very crafty in throwing in these blocks and wrong turns in the maze of life that prevent you from ever solving the puzzle. The problem always comes from looking externally for the answer. It gets you every time and the ruse of the higher self accomplishes just this task. It points you towards an ideal of spiritual attainment or enlightenment that you will never reach and you devote all your energy to desperately trying to become like Jesus or the Buddha. You remain deferential to this external concept of God as the master ruling authority, to wit the king of the universe, and never realize the real master of the universe is you and you are playing a pretty good trick on yourself.

I see the similarities with my shadow because upon discovery and exploration of my lower self I was warned many times by him to turn back, that he will kill me, and to look no further. Ultimately, he was teaching me courage through transformation of my weak-assed self as in all honesty you are not going to get far on this path without massive helpings of courage and bravery. The exploration of the higher self does not result in overt threats of death but instead places before you an ideal you will never attain and then lords over you your lack of ability to reach the ultimate goal to keep you in your place and you never realize your divinity and connection in this most interesting game called life. It is only when you give up this crazy idea of becoming ultra-holy and spiritual that you get into the inner temple. As long as you cling to the belief in sinlessness you’ll never reach your destination.

These similarities in preventing the self from discovery of just who they are led me to believe the lower self and the higher self are the same psychic entity whom we treat as the other. In essence, the higher and lower self are projections of self. The higher self being something so great that is unattainable and the lower self being all the things about me that I bury. I objectify these traits and create psychic manifestations. I double down on who I think I am and use the higher and lower self to prevent me from seeing the truth. When you see the truth, it means the adventure is winding down because you solved the puzzle. It was fun to keep the game going as long as possible but now you are awake, the cover is blown, and you see past the veil. I look around at my fellow game players and smile because they don’t know. I’ll keep quiet about it and just enjoy the show.

Unfortunately, the show I can only enjoy for so long before I start to question why I did this to myself. I love the adventure and I love puzzles. The hero's journey is this adventure to figure out the riddle and after many incarnations where I lost my life, eventually like the addicted video game player, I made it to the end of the game. I beat the final boss; you know that dragon who kept laying waste to me and making me re-start my game while hopefully remembering some of the pitfalls that had previously tripped me up. So, here I am. I beat the game! It soon became obvious to me what's next on the path. This is my world and it is a mess. Now that I know what this all about, I have an eternal project which involves reconciliation of my opposites and tempering these extremes with love. This will get me out of the mess. I've got forever to accomplish the task. Now that I'm awake it's time to get to it.

god is unknowable

Did you know God is unknowable? Just when you are spiritually on the cusp of knowing your chosen idol, the guardians of religiosity will drop the hammer on you. Silly you, God is unknowable! He is far off, unfathomable, and unreachable. Christians thus point to Jesus as a way to get to the father. I have written this before and I’ll say it again because it is provocative and loses me followers: Jesus is an avatar for the weak. If you get a hint of whom this God is, the descriptions in the Old Testament of patriarchs approaching him with fear and trembling are accurate. Moses telling the Israelites on the mountain at Sinai in Exodus 19 (King James Version) to not climb the mountain to the abode of God or they will perish is good advice.

16 And it came to pass on the third day in the morning, that there were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of the trumpet exceeding loud; so that all the people that was in the camp trembled.
18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.
21 And the Lord said unto Moses, Go down, charge the people, lest they break through unto the Lord to gaze, and many of them perish.

Coming into direct contact with God will send you scurrying for cover. Who dares to approach and survive the encounter? Not many, that’s for sure. The fright, panic, and subsequent harassment will confound, confuse, and cause you great upset. Pay heed to the advice of cowards and keep him afar and unknowable. If you are going to do it despite this caution, I’d suggest first practice the ability to enter into a state of meditation that allows you to quiet the mind and re-centre. If not, it will be game over in a hurry.

I’m here to help; so, I’ll give you the advice you need however you’ll forget it when you are in the eye of the storm and the fight or flight response kicks in. After you run, depending upon cultural background long haired Jesus may appear, smiling and inviting you to become his follower. Maybe you’ll dream of him and confirm to yourself he is the way and the light.

Jesus stops you in your tracks. He is a roadblock on your path to discovering what is available to you. Thank Jesus and move along.

The unknowable, unreachable, and unfathomable God that is off-limits is you. This whole construct is you as God trying to get to know thyself so you trick yourself into thinking you aren’t who you are and then make many iterations of self in order to be able to self-reflect by looking at the behaviour of others. Everyone is like a mirror and through creating this world you get an idea of what you are made of. The trick is to make sure no one wakes up to the ruse or the experiment is compromised. If enough wake up then the illusion is compromised.

There is an unpleasant side-effect to waking up. As the creator, the suffering of the world you cause and it’s your responsibility. It’s clear. I’m aghast at all the suffering in the world but my actions reveal otherwise. I participate in an economic system that divides the world up into haves and have nots and I make sure I monetize my gifts so I get a piece of the pie and live in modest comfort, never at a lack for food and shelter. I do all this knowing that for the extra I take someone goes without. I use motor vehicles to travel distances each and every day knowing full well I am contributing to the pollution of the world. I heat my home with natural gas that has pipelines leaking poison into our water supply. I support companies that are exploitative like Apple, Amazon, and the like. I invest in the Nasdaq which is home to some of the greediest and power-hungry companies upon the planet. The conditions on earth are all my fault. If we want systemic change, platitudes will not suffice; instead, you have to live the life you point towards. It’s pretty simple. Protests and demonstrations of rage are like pissing into the wind; it’s the easy way out. Become the change you want to see in the world.

That is the answer to the puzzling question that is always posed: If there is an all-loving god then why did he create and allow the suffering? Why does he allow it to continue? Why does he allow the innocent child to get stricken with cancer? This is the world you created. A world of duality that reconciles pleasure and pain and for everyone who hoards resources there are many that have nothing in order to even it out. Everything is reconciled. The cost is suffering. The answer lies at your feet. This is the world that you as God have created. That’s a tough swallow. As long as there is suffering the universe will continue on. Can you see it? Suffering creates our world. Until there is a grand reconciliation, this world of form will remain as a reminder of who you are and the work to be done on self. Love is the way out. To end the suffering, open your heart.

God is unknowable because you can’t see yourself. The invention of the mirror was a boon for narcissists. Similarly, the ingenious device of the one becoming the many acts as a proverbial mirror so you and I as God can psychoanalyse and understand our self. We made the impossible task of self-knowledge a reality through our cunning and ability to hypnotize self into not knowing who we are. Those who start to wake up and question this construct are few and thus the charade can continue merrily along. We can remain in the experiment and observe the actions of others and see how we react once we know. That’s a lot of responsibility to take on; it was probably better when I didn’t know.

If I want a loving universe then I should practice unabashed love. As it stands, the universe is a reflection of me. The suffering, greed, and environmental destruction reflects my attitude and malaise towards them. That’s pretty heavy. This whole construct was a step in the direction of healing and an admission to the Goddess that her path of the heart was always the way. It’s hard for a man to admit he is wrong, especially to his eternal wife. Contrition through self-reflection of my true nature sure hits like a heavy feather.

my education (you are the tree)

I was sitting on the deck with my friend Mapacho when he challenged me to define enlightenment. The request caught me off guard because I have written about it and figured I had already answered the question. Enlightenment is waking up and realizing we are all one from the same source. While walking the strange path of this journey, many will reveal this secret and let you in on this knowledge. In a way, it’s almost cliché to the point where I laugh because enlightenment is such a letdown. I’d envision enlightenment as getting my white robe amidst a big celebration involving the bestowment of my honours in a grand ceremony! I suppose you could always play the part: wear a white dress, cultivate a relationship with beads, bathe irregularly, and not cut your hair. In truth, you just get it. Of course, we are one and completely interdependent upon everything else.

It’s a long road from knowledge to understanding. Acquiring knowledge activates this curious response where you have to tell everyone about what you know. The wise shuts the fuck up, lest he or she play the fool. Understanding is a way off, with the pitfall the innate human ability to become a storyteller; the act of storytelling stains the knowledge and prevents the full understanding of what has been revealed to you.

You see, I conceptually understood this spiritual attainment and was also shown the unity of all by the Great Goddess. Three years back, I stared into my piece of black obsidian and noticed in the reflection I couldn’t separate myself from the background. It was a simple yet powerful lesson. I got it at that moment and felt my inseparability from everything. I had asked her to give me the gift of this no self as I wanted to directly experience it. Wherever I was or looked, I was a part of the whole construct. It was so powerful to understand.

So, three years later I'm on my deck smoking away and looking at the spring time blossoming trees when I felt something profound. Not only am I a part of the whole which included the tree but I am the tree. All is energy and the energy is a continuous flow. It’s one organic system. At that moment, I realized every energetic construct I have objectified is in fact all just one organism. I looked at the tree and knew the tree is me. In essence, I let go of the self I had been clinging to in my understanding of enlightenment. I went from an ecological interdependence line of thinking to just realizing everything is the continuous manifestation of the same energy that enlivens all of us. The divine feminine and masculine doing their dance of life.

Another way to understand this is the process where daytime turns into night due to motion. Motion gives us something to measure and we call it time. We think there are distinct days and construct a calendar to mark off the passage of time. Critically examining this phenomenon, you see the division of what just is into days and nights is just a construct. Measurements lead towards objectification and is the maya that keeps us spellbound into thinking we are separate.

It’s the desire to be separate beings that creates the illusion we are autonomous. By convincing ourselves of our personal story, we create the narrative of self. We go on adventures and get a glimpse of what it’s like to be king; well, at least king over oneself. The holy man of the philosophy of non-dualism sees through the ruse, eschews desire, and subsequently fulfills his desire to collapse back into the void. The energetic potential of the void, like an atom waiting to be split, awaits the spark in order to come forth once again in an infinitesimal orgy of energetic points of light, all representative of the non-dual source. The desire for liberation is so strong it wills the energy to rise and the need to prolong the dualistic illusion for as long as possible ferments the sense perception that selectively makes us aware of our surroundings allowing this grand charade to continue. The awareness leads to consciousness, we know we know, and once cultivated we begin to see through our own facade. And here we are.

A major catalyst for the revelation that the tree is me was I had been talking to someone who had an interest in Buddhism and they had mentioned compassion in the context that it was something they could not make happen. Frankly speaking, they did not like some people and felt no compassion for them and couldn’t ever see having any of that love for them. I listened but did not provide an answer. I internally thought that if you understand we are all one then I think that makes compassion for all easier. However, lest I be branded a hypocrite, I kept quiet as it is something I struggle with as well. Fast forward an hour later and I’m sitting on my deck smoking coming to the realization that not only are we all sisters and brothers but there is no inherent separation. Sure, we are in forms that our sense perception awareness can delineate - hey that’s quite the superpower however fundamentally we are all of and are the same energetic flow. Boundaries are constructs we conjure; the energy free flows within and without us, bringing to life one entity we have labelled the universe. How could you not have compassion for all with this understanding?

hell has a gate

It was 2017 when I turned 50 that I completed the holy climb up the mountain and discovered love is the answer. It was the fifth year of my involvement with plant medicines and I knew after that trip I didn’t have to search anymore. I could be content with what I had discovered. I saw the unity within us all and that the elixir to make us come together is love. There was no certificate handed out denoting my enlightenment; however, I was aware I had the answer. At any rate, the caretakers and bestower of enlightenment frown upon the shortcut of drug use to obtain the status. It’s best to sit in meditation for a quarter century, pay obeisance to the guru, sweep up at the ashram, and hope the twin graces of wisdom and understanding descend upon you. See, even after all I have been through, I maintain my wit and sarcasm.

The importance of completing the climb up the mountain to the light is reflected in the second phase of my journey. I had a bit of a pause but decided I wanted to continue on. I’d seen the light but onwards I set sail for adventures unbeknownst to me. Really, I decided to continue on rudderless and see where this journey would take me. I guess if I really thought about it, of course I would have realized after the light once again the destination is the dark. My ship headed back into the dark. The waters were relatively calm as I headed down the river Styx towards Hades. I’m currently at the gates of hell and I know the password. I guess I’ll see you on the other side.

Become the light? Become the darkness. Becoming the light is avoidance of the darkness. The path up the mountain to become a renunciate and a holy man is the pathological outcome of all the expectations placed upon you by culture. It’s another way to reach the top of the ladder of success. Instead of the financial power game, you went for the spiritual game and now await the praise of your peers for your exemplary holiness. What a fucking crock. Just let it go already. Becoming the darkness allows you to turn towards the light and reconcile all. The masculine strives for the light. He is born in darkness; the darkness of the feminine. He takes the light of reason and discovery and creates this world of separate objects. He builds and subsequently destroys. The feminine is darkness. Within the cavern, she births new light from the non-differentiated chaos which is her essence. She is unity and love; it is light that separates and brings an end to her clinging and longing to hold her family together. The masculine spirit wants to explore and be free.

The masculine is the proprietor of the conditions which create duality and the self. The self is created by seeing differences in the environment and our fellow sentient beings. A difference is a condition. We create reality in that we can see differences or we can choose to see it all as one connected organism. To not see conditions is to just see all as is. To act unconditionally in a world you choose to see with differences is impossible; however, the striving towards this game of unconditionality is a non-starter without objectification. Unconditional love is based upon duality and can only be attempted because of the power of the masculine. The relationship of the two divine powers is contentious but ultimately, they need each other.

Nobody will find the answer because no one dares to tread the spiritual path into the basement of the soul. That’s left for the insane and the marginalized. Culture does not approve. The spiritual path is not populated by those who seek liberation from culture. Instead, they culturalize spirituality. They preach unity within the bounds of accepted dogma. I understand I have to go it alone and maintain my independence. This has to always be at the forefront of my seeking. Noted American libertarian Henry David Thoreau said, “Wherever you may seek solitude, men will ferret you out and compel you to belong to their desperate company of odd fellows.” These others desperately want you to join their enterprise in order to justify its existence. It’s a narrow path to walk in order to maintain autonomy over one’s spiritual path yet gain support in the way of friends. Life is tough without it. Recent events and the disappointment inherent in humanity has emboldened my thinking and resolve. I can count on myself, my inner guides, and as Ringo so eloquently states in Sergeant Pepper’s: “A little help from my friends."

man of steel

On Tuesday December 29th, 2020 I finally made an agreement with my shadow to start in earnest the process of forging steel. It will be the coming together of my conscious awareness with his power, strength, and magical abilities of transformation. My spiritual path has been going on for over twelve years; so, the process really isn’t starting but let’s just say it will be next level. On the path I travel, I hear a lot about levelling up and self-improvement. In the movie Fight Club, Tyler Durden’s shadow calls self-improvement masturbation. You know, he’s right because the trick in my case is to destroy the sense of self fostered throughout my life and embark upon a new construction project. Self-improvement will just perpetuate the shaky foundation upon which identity rests. In other words, on this journey you are trying to destroy the concept of cultural identity which manifests in our notion of ego. To improve that facade is counterproductive on the quest towards knowledge of self.

So, why and how am I finally going to stick to this agreement? Good question because of my backsliding history. I’m internally famous for making resolutions and fantastically sticking to them for various periods of time. I got my shadow’s attention and proved my worth when I kept an impossible intention of being a renunciate for two years and eight months. No one saw that coming! I know my shadow was aghast and astounded by my force of will and had to change his opinion of me. Up until then, he just saw an intelligent dude who was weak sauce. My shadow recognized my inner strength and crowned me because of it. He has subsequently let me figure out my path of transformation and how I wished to proceed. It’s been four years or so since then. I’ve figured it out. I know of my shadow’s presence and his intentions and I’m clear in my intentions. I’ve repeatedly tried to get my act together and can do well for a few months at a time but I always crash like an addict who can’t help himself. My shadow has seen it before and it is probably quite funny except for the fact I’m not getting any younger. In other words, it’s time to get this project moving because I’m past being able to say I’m just north of 50. In essence, he’s told me that in order to forge steel none of the constituent alloys that go into its making can be weak. He says this while directly addressing me. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link and the inference is I’m the questionable link.

Part of the process is giving up identity to which I have lately written about ad nauseam in this blog space. I’ve experimented with it as I make my life a bit of a mystery to those around me plus I changed my online name a few years back and raised some eyebrows. It’s a process, with the idea being to start giving it up little by little and stop identifying with your past, your successes and failures, how you make a living, your style, well pretty much everything you hang your hat on. I know to be in the world requires an identity. To access my money and security I need that identity, so dropping an A-bomb on this part of me is not currently in the cards.

As I’m writing this I just remembered something I haven’t thought about in a long time. When I first encountered my shadow in a plant medicine ceremony almost eight years ago, I experienced the symbolic loss of identity. I became paranoid in ceremony that my passport and credit cards were being stolen and I’d be stuck in the jungle without any money and any means of identifying myself! Holy shit, he started on me right away though I didn’t know what was up. I remember at the time being freaked out by this scenario and the prospect of losing my identity. Later that dreadful evening, this scenario played out all based on my identity where if people discovered what a true low-life I was then all the respect and trust I had earned from them would be gone in a flash. I was being shown how attached I was to identity though I didn’t know it at the time. I just thought yes, I’ll be a good boy and maintain my facade. Re-reading my account of that original encounter is fascinating. My shadow took my life that was bound to identity and flipped it around as metaphor in a story where it was the jungle that was to enslave me. I’d be trapped in service to who knows who eating tasteless food and doing menial work, never to escape because they control everything. I was so paralyzed with fear I couldn’t see it as metaphor though obviously the visions and thoughts were slyly referencing the world at large and not some rickety jungle camp! It is funny how we initially interpret visions and then with context we see them completely different. Now, I realize the answer being provided to me was let go of identity and be free. Don’t be reliant upon others to shape who you are and force you to remain a prisoner of their making. I did chalk this horrifying experience up to ego death via psychedelic substance ingestion, which was what happened. It was the worst night of my life and scarred me for quite some time. Curiously, the mental beatdown and upheaval is the major reason for my transformation as it stands today and why I’m writing this as a pretty content human being about to enter in a new phase of his peculiar transformation into who knows what but I assure you it will be glorious!

I have experienced a similar loss of identity with subsequent use of plant medicines, though not as catastrophic as the first one. With Huachuma, I sat in the Mesa just prior to inhaling the sacred Vilca and experienced a dissociation with whom I was. I had a dream like vision in which I entered into a closet full of suits, which I knew were various identities I could wear. I was shown I always pick the same suit even though the choices were multiple. Vilca in turn has revealed to me my fundamental nature of being composed of light energy that can radiate love. If that’s the template to follow, and I think it is, then I’m down with it. The steel being forged will produce a radiant light, pulsing through the energetic spectrum, welcoming those who seek out this transformation. Sounds pretty cool. In this biological lifetime? I don’t know. I guess the question is: Are my psychedelic experiences trivial or do they reveal questions and answers of past, present, and future? Look, I’m a pretty intelligent and rational guy. If I thought it was nonsense I’d stop. This blog space isn’t advertised or monetized. I’m not trying to enchant you into taking plant medicines but instead this is just a sounding board for my experiences. The continuing path I am travelling is a commitment; not only financially but it is hard work at times to progress on the path. Like any student, you don’t have to do the reading or studying. You can just party the whole time, get wowed by trivial kaleidoscopic visions, and let it all fall by the wayside when you tire of it. I get it; I want to chase desires as well and get that hit of pleasure and transient fulfilment it brings before dealing with the low. However, I do sense something amazing along this path and I’ve seen it; I’ve interacted with it; I’ve been instructed and guided by it. I’m ultimately curious and will do what I can to proceed.

I wrote this mind dump this morning because of the dream I had last night. Some dreams resonate with me so deeply that I have little trouble remembering them in the morning after I wake up. As you no doubt know, most are transient and slip through conscious grasping much like thoughts do as I get older. I record into my phone, or write down a great deal of my original thoughts now, in order to expand on them later because if I don’t I will forget them. Anyway, to get back to the dream it was simply this: I dreamt I got laid off from my job. It was quite unnerving losing a big part of my identity and source of financial stability. I know why I dreamt it. It all goes back to the agreement I made with my shadow and he’s forcing me to come to terms with shedding identity. Eight years later the class in identity resumes in earnest! Little by little I lose myself until I can cut the cord.

hypocrite

If you do not want to be a spiritual hypocrite, you need to get your act together before you start projecting and preaching your light. The crash and self-loathing will come hard if you don’t. It’s okay, we all have our moments where we are pieces of shit. We all have our needs, wants, and desires. If you do not master your desires, they will forever harangue you and influence your behaviour. They will present at the most inopportune times. The spiritual path blueprint, if I were to draw one up, starts at going into the darkness and the depths of your being.

No one wants to do that, we all of course head for the light. I wouldn’t say it’s a shortcut but it is a shiny object on the spiritual path which attracts us like a magnet. Being holy is a way to be successful in life as it’s the same life game we always play, just transferred onto the spiritual path. Eventually, we plant medicine users all get a taste of the darkness and call it the bad trip, therefore we develop strategies to avoid a repeat of that journey. Some of us get good at it and others tap out. The result of this behaviour is that we anesthetize the whole experience. Love and light baby!

Plant medicine experiences present the extremes which encompass the love and bliss of an exalted state and the hauntingly dreadful darkness of self. So here’s the thing: The darkness is present for a reason. It’s demanding reconciliation. It offers shortcuts out and this easy power is taken at your own peril because you never end up mastering the darkness; instead you become its puppet. I now have hindsight and I know I made all the decisions one would expect except these ones: I kept my freedom, never took the darkness up on offers of power, nor did I play the holy man game. Being free allowed me to eventually explore this darkness and subsequently I went through its ringer of tests and came out the other side. I know in 2008 I started poking around at the meaning of life and in 2013 I started perturbing consciousness. It’s only now in 2020 that I can say I’ve risen from the depths of self. I have finally mastered self. If I could go back in time that’s what I’d tell myself back in 2008. Master your own inner desires because until you do that you will be a slave to them and it will constantly set you back and for some it will destroy you. That’s the thing about your demons; if you follow them they will end you or make you a monster however they are ultimately teachers. Otherworldly teachers whom we demonize! It’s a bad rap as shouldn’t teachings have dire consequences in order to enable supreme efficacy? If you fail in our society, it’s met by a shoulder shrug, a pat on the head, and a try to do better next time. How about if you fail you lose everything and face death? That’s pretty motivating. The darkness as a teacher is the most demanding and worthwhile teacher I have ever encountered. I misread him for the longest time and treated him as a mortal adversary. In a way, it’s true. He would have destroyed my life or even killed me if I failed and I would have cursed him for this result. Many times he came for me, forced me to do better, to search for answers, until finally I got it.

The spiritual path, when engaged, leads immediately to a pursuit of the light. We strive to become good and shed the selfish behaviours of our past. With the wave of our spiritual wand, all of the dubious traits of our former persona vanishes. With plant medicines it actually does happen. It all vanishes and we go on the trip. We feel good about what we have embarked on and we are radiating our new found enlightenment. When we return home we still have it and we let others know. And then it starts to wear off and we are challenged by our old habits and avenues of misfortune which leads back to the darkness and desires. A taste of the light is intoxicating however to live in that state permanently requires some deep shadow work. There is a need for self-mastery and without it, the cycle of despair will continue forever. High and low. Elation and self-loathing. Light and dark.

We end up hiding our darkness within our new found spirituality, hoping that we can contain it this way. Turning towards the light allows us a reprieve from all those desires we used to chase and we go all in on the spiritual trip. Eventually, they will come back even stronger; they aren’t going anywhere. The only way out is through. Heading towards the light without first integrating the darkness is a fool’s errand. Do not suppress nor try to defeat desire or one up darkness. Instead, the answer is to master the self.

centred

We start out in life centred with just the self, full of possibilities, and we create the higher and lower self. The higher self comes from an idealistic and utopian desire which suggests we can transcend the human and become ultra-spiritual, like it is some kind of holy game that we must play. In western culture, the church is the path for a lot of people who need to accomplish this task they have invented and subsequently must climb the ladder to heaven. For others, the church has become an oppressive game and hard to swallow; especially in today’s climate of science and reason. There are also the eclectic and eastern mysteries to spiritually one up the masses, everyone loves the one up game for the rush it brings to ego; alternatively for the atheistic among us are ways to become metaphysical such as being spiritual but not religious. There is even a term for it, SBNR, and the two factions engage in criticism of each other. A simple internet search will get you a front row seat to the accusations hurled at each camp. One is coined lazy and the other dogmatic. Humans are pretty special creatures; always doubling down on their chosen identities! Science has declared god is dead but still wants in the game. We have the current high priest of rational atheism and its revered saints of yesteryear. Science is the idol on which the faith, err I mean the logic, exists. These are all games; more high brow and nuanced versions of the childhood games we played such as cops and robbers or various modern cosplay scenarios. It’s serious and sometimes the fate of your soul rests in the balance which gives it the juice to take over your existence and morph into the meaning of life. Christians have just the one shot at the salvation of the soul! That’s deadly serious. Those who are not playing this game shake their heads in amazement without realizing the cultural and psychological underpinnings and consequences of this mass behaviour. We all need a game or to put it in more polite terms that isn't as condescending: We all need a purpose.

On the other hand, we create the lower self as well. Whatever behaviours or desires we want to explore from cradle to grave, which we are told are culturally taboo or not allowed, are buried. These behaviours go into the hidden closet. A closet that contains no light and therefore these questionable behaviours go dark. They can only come out of the closet when no one or society isn’t looking. We create such a barrier to our dark side which if discovered if can be mortifying for the individual whose lifelong project is laid bare. It’s almost as if we are to have a place we keep things that makes us tick which are reserved for only our purview. In a way, these desires animate our existence as much as the acceptable behaviours we present to the public at large. Oh yeah he loves sports; spends all his free time either playing or watching sports! Let’s face it, though this may be true to an extant, we all have things we love or desire that no knows about or if they do, they are people not involved directly in our lives.

So, that’s the situation at hand. Everything originally radiates from the centre as the self and we create and enable the quest for enlightenment or the descent into hell. Heading full on to either path will bury the other, which is interesting. They are equal on the scale of psychosis. The religious nut though gets a pass. Has anyone ever gone on the ultra-spiritual trip and left it buried? By this, I mean all who quest to become holy make damn well sure everyone knows about it. From what I gather, the primary undertaking of one who does this is to present themselves by actions, dress, and behaviour as now being of the holy crowd. Evangelizing is a normal human trait and for those who are part of an exclusive club there are created ways to let others know you are part of their club. Therefore, I think by definition one who seeks the light lays their amazingness cards out on the table for all to see and basks in the recognition of who they have become; darkness be damned. And the darkness is damned! It becomes the hell region for all the sinners and those who don’t play your game.

I don’t know what the result is of one who heads down the path of darkness. Well, in a way I kind of do. I believe it leads to depravity, insanity, and chaos. The examples are all around us and we define it as pathology and not part of the human condition. We are loathe to accept it as normal. Doesn’t this just continue to perpetuate the madness? Aren’t they as sick as the ultra-spiritual among us? Granted, they do cause much more damage to society. It wasn’t always that way as the crusades, inquisitions, accusations of being an infidel, trials and burnings, and religious wars attest. I would think as a remedy to our proclivity towards both paths which leads to aberrant behaviour we need to integrate all into the human experience and allow the darkness to come out and mix with the light. My ideal of an open and loving society would be inclusive of the whole human condition and celebrate it all. This means bringing the uncomfortable out into the open and recognizing and saying yes and that too. To reconcile all, instead of creating a divide of the holy and the damned, the righteous and the depraved.

The world at large is an accurate reflection of who we are as a species. An apt comparison is the stock market. You may think it is irrational but the market is never wrong. When you realize and accept the paradox of life, it’s time to let a little light in on the dark and conversely take a little shine off the light. Bring everything back to the centre; integrated and reconciled.

being healthily crazy

When you reconcile all back to centre by taking the feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, water, earth, air, and the four directions you reconstitute the axis mundi. It is what you began with and have always had. Ultimately, life is not a quest to discover or attain anything; the journey is a way for you to eventually remember who you once were and reconcile all back to centre. It’s the big game and it’s one hell of an adventure. When you play, awaken, and realize you are everything then you become the I am - the self. You realize there is nothing that is not you. Freedom and liberation in this finite lifetime. From this you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self; it just is.

How about a mythological lesson or two? In classical texts, the terms nusa, nyssa, and nyssi refer to a mountain that is the support stand of heaven, which is the axis mundi. With this information, it's not hard to figure out the Greco-mythical figure of Dionysos is the embodiment of the axis mundi. The ‘dio' part of the name is the connection to divinity. Dionysos is the god of the reconciliation of all. This is the eternal flame, the zoë, and the Great Spirit. The history of Dionysos extends beyond Classical Greek civilization into the Mycenaean period where a reference to the name was discovered in Crete during the Bronze Age Minoan civilization. This is a civilization that extends back in time to 3000 BCE. Why do ancient civilizations has a preponderance of gods and goddesses? Were they superstitious and intellectually inferior, devoid of the reason and logic that our civilization idolizes? My guess is they were more in balance with the dualistic powers of serpent and jaguar that animates the spirit within, instead of valuing and exalting one over the other and consequently losing the knowledge of both. Looking back into history, the evidence reveals the evolution came gradually: goddess and god became just god and eventually that was done away with and replaced by the man. Heralding this event into our civilization was reported by Plutarch who wrote, "The great god Pan is dead!" The news of Pan’s death was announced from the skies to a sailor named Thamus. Paganism, as nature worship, was struck down. The nineteenth century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche exclaimed, “God is dead,” and then proceeded to write a book, ‘The Birth of Tragedy” in which he describes the Apollonian and the Dionysian divide within man and somehow he intellectually accomplishes the act of divorcing them from the gods he had buried. Welcome to man as the godman. Apollo gets top billing now as the bright light of reason and the epitome of man's destiny while the wild man is sent away. Nature remains under attack. Logic, reason, and science is now the god of our culture, personified by the intellect; the feminine chaos still exists in the waters of creation but is relegated to an afterthought. Artificial Intelligence and sentient robots of pure logic and reason will be the crowning achievement of history! Fuck feelings and love; what impediments! The Babylonian Marduk must take to the waters of chaos to kill Tiamat in order for civilization to progress. She has been wounded and relegated to the deep and here we are on the cusp of fulfilling that Mesopotamian myth. The ancient mind hadn’t devolved into this single-mindedness, thus they could sense all powers within the environment. It’s available to us if we can throw off the shackles of culture, get still, and feel.

The central idol of the Chavin culture of pre-Columbian South America, we now call the Lanzon, is also an axis mundi representing the reconciliation of all the forces of nature into one being.

The central idol in the temple of the Jaguar at Chavin

It is reversing the process of the power expanding outwards back into its source. It’s like picturing a point of consciousness that contains all and then seeing this potentiality projected out into the universe at large and subsequently finally realizing it is all you. You are seeing yourself at play. We have for the most part lost this meaning and to suggest it to most is to elicit the response of I don’t know what you are talking about, a dispassionate shrug, or a leave that up to the experts response.

When I drink Huachuma, I feel the coming of the god. It’s the idea of the complete self, once we shed the notion of the separate parts of yourself. I connect with all. I experience bringing it all back to centre, the axis mundi, and sit with the self and bask in the knowledge that it all starts with the great self and emanates all out from there. It’s a touchstone moment on the spiritual journey.

I’ve thought about physics and matter enough to realize that we are limited by our instruments and their ability to peer into subatomic particles. I believe that the further we are able to peer into the underpinnings of the all, the more it will just subdivide and confound us. I have embraced the idea that all is consciousness as in mental energy that vibrates and from these levels of vibration we get what we call rays and what we call matter. To use string theory as an analogy, where at its basic form there are an infinite number of strings which are vibrating and that’s what makes up the universe, well picture that but minus the strings. In other words, stringless theory.

The same goes for the self. It’s comforting to think we are an autonomous self and in a way we are, as long as we hold together the form however I have to believe at the root of all this is the same situation encountered in physics where eventually we will learn there is no self. We are just amalgamations of energy that have taken on a certain vibrational form and who knows how long that will last? Do we eventually disintegrate and return to the ocean of energy and continually transform into a new energetic being? Do you believe in magic?

Enjoy the ride. 

harmonic entanglement

The harmonization of the feminine and masculine on a cosmic level is the same template as found here on earth. In other words, it is a random occurrence and two patterns meet and fall in love which seems to me to be a word that can be used to describe harmony. Energy patterns meet and harmonize thus creating offspring. In the cosmic model, the offspring is the universe. In this conception, there are as many universes as there are divine couplings and each set of parents gives their children the free will to grow up and become a reflection of their divine parents. Parents are tempted to guide their child in their development but ultimately let them grow and prosper on their own as this allows for growth and understanding of self; self being consciousness.

I now have two conceptions of the origin of the universe. The other one is a model where a cosmic harmony of feminine and masculine polarities dream the universe into existence and this reality is defined as the splinters of consciousness which have the illusion of independence from the whole. The way each distinct consciousness acts helps psychoanalyze the whole so the great self can understand self better. My two concepts share the similarity in which there is a connection between the divine feminine and masculine and from this is produced the universe as either the divine child or a dream. Both models contain the sum of the feminine and masculine. The child conception recognizes our fundamental unity while the dream accentuates our separateness while encouraging one to wake up from the dream and realize unity.

Why do I love something? Well, because it gives me a good feeling; a feeling of connection, of compassion, of pleasure, of safety. There is a feeling of well-being associated with pangs of love. It also amps up feelings of separation when what you love is not with you and a longing to be in their presence. It’s leading me to realize that love is energetic harmony; whatever form that may take. We are all probably familiar with the romantic kind which is a strong vibration which is very addictive; like a drug including the requisite withdrawal symptoms. It’s instructive to sit with the remembrance of that feeling and try to deconstruct it from a rational point of view. An example which will help understand the idea of harmonic entanglement is the modern pop song. These songs emit vibrational patterns which hook the listener. The hypnotic pull is strong and creates the desire for more. We are addicted to novelty and experiencing this feeling again and again. It is natural that over the course of a lifetime you fall frequently in and out of this love. The kick experienced with each harmonic entanglement, though somewhat familiar, is a new mountain to climb. Taking what I know about energy, thanks to plant medicine and their teachings, I can extrapolate the feeling of love into the heightened energetic state experienced with Huachuma and draw some pretty amazing conclusions.

The harmonic entanglement of disparate energy patterns, as seen through the lens of the great cactus, produces visions of rainbow fireworks and orgasmic sensations throughout the whole body. You can find this connection with others, through nature, and through finding peace and love with your own damn self, in essence bringing all together within the sum of the feminine and masculine. There is a lot of truth to the saying that to fix the world first fix yourself and part of that process is self-love and finding this self-love is discovering your hidden soulmate and having a torrid love affair with self. Once you reconcile within, then you can project that love out into the world and light up humanity.

What a wonderful teaching the plants have given me. It is definitely a course and their knowledge is not something that is discovered with just a couple weeks of class. It is on-going; including copious amounts of homework. My maestro and human teacher don Howard explained that he considered it malpractice to offer just one Ayahuasca session; rather he recommended a cycle of work over the course of a week which involved from three to five ceremonies. Having just the one ceremony would lead more towards confusion, as what the plants teach is revealed over the course of time and the initial ceremony may be a session for purification or to get you thinking about something which is then revealed in a later ceremony, making the lessons more powerful and long lasting. I also think don Howard was holding back a little bit as well. Since he was also running a business, it might be perceived as being a little crass if he told everyone they should come back year after year to continue on with the plants. I have no affiliation with any retreat centre so I’ll just say it as I see it. Also understand that I’ve been blessed to find a place which enables the seeking and understanding to continue, minus any drama or questions of motive. It might not be the case for everyone; perhaps I’m just looking at this from my own personal lens but I think the maximum benefit out of a relationship with plant teachers spans the course of years and multiple cycles of work. I say that with understanding my own personal motivations as an inveterate seeker of knowledge and understanding. Within a cycle of work you may find love and ultimately that is all you need. I needed six cycles of work with them to start to piece together the energetic connections I feel. I’ve always felt the energy but didn’t understand it. I was challenged after my fourth cycle of work to figure it out. Two cycles later and I’m going to write an exam on this one and score pretty high. 

the evolution of god

Culture is a bitch. I learned in English literature class in high school that every good story needed an antagonist. After all, it’s hard to go on a hero’s journey without one. I learned from seeking answers to vexing spiritual questions that the answer to all is found within after your external journey has become exhausted. It was strange that I couldn’t see that until I looked everywhere except within for answers. Our life is a drama; I’d also take game for an answer. It would suck if everything were a constant and all was provided for. Some stability is needed in order to allow progression; I mean if I am constantly on the hunt for food and needing protection, then I couldn’t very well sit here at my computer and ruminate upon the nature of existence. So, eventually you conclude that you and everyone else are god and living out this funny existence. Or at least that’s the conclusion I reached. We are the psychic manifestation, to wit the avatars of consciousness splintered, of the dreaming mind at large. This mind being a reconciliation of all who then self reflects through expressing the energy into what we have labelled the universe in our search for understanding. So far, so good. However, English lit class said this would get boring without an adversary. Luckily within, it is this darkness who challenges and harangues us. When first confronted with it, myself being exhibit "A", I ran from it and then processed the experience as a bad trip and an external enemy. I curiously returned to take another look and the darkness was always with me; I couldn’t bypass it. After exhausting avenues of blame for this stain upon my holy self, I finally realized that I was indeed the darkness. Once I grokked this truth, I could peer even more into the underpinnings of self. Hmmm... there’s a lot of hate, desires, lusts, perversions, greed, possessiveness, and jealousy buried down there. Conversely, a whole lotta love. All elements utilized to keep the story moving along. All plot devices for when the drama gets stale.

I was elated to learn I was god. It’s quite the trip you know, especially when everyone else is ignorant of their divine status. Being able to play this role while others are still lost, is the root of monotheism. That’s a good business model to dupe the plebs and get power, fame, and fortune. But I digress. What I mean by culture is a bitch is the realization you are god leads to the crossroads. As a seeker you have a choice to stop and say, "Cool, I’m god" and all is going to work out and I’ll play this role, advisably in a quiet manner lest the whispers of your insanity start. Conversely, you may keep seeking on the path to an unattainable knowledge of self. As I have explained before, I stay aboard that ship of fools. I kept at it and the next step in the evolution of god then presented itself. In order to play the part of god and really make it stick, I need an adversary. A tempter to throw me off my holy path and one who no one can transcend despite appearances and assurances that they are now enlightened and have moved beyond the human.

Yeah, so here’s the thing. As god, I’m also the devil. Far out stuff to keep the game afoot. It’s tough to accept because of cultural indoctrination. This realization still gives me the creeps. I mean the devil? Come on, that dude is really scary, and I’m him? Can I be that guy? The indoctrination goes so deep I am loathe to admit it. Seriously, though I don’t want to accept that culture still plays a role in my seeking, I deep down know it does. I know it because I have reached the stage where I must fully accept I am the adversary who tempts in order to fulfill the role of keeping this game going. The game is set up to learn knowledge of self. If you are the all how do you seek outside psychiatric help when you learn of your pathology? Well, you can’t. The only way to do it is to divide up all your neuroses into aspects of self and then give yourself amnesia. Then through challenge and stress you may learn what it is you are really made of, what you suck at, and then work on moving past that block or at least admitting to it.

It goes back to the union of the divine feminine and masculine and how we are currently separated. Divorce makes up the manifest universe and through this playground we are seeking knowledge and understanding of self so that when we do finally recombine into a harmonious whole, we can drop the acrimony. The long separation began due to this inability to get along and so we went our separate ways. Who would give in first to longing? I lost that bet though in my ignorance I did win the first round. Once I discovered who she was then I longed to hold and possess her once more. She is on to that possession game though. Isn’t that the reason for the separation? From a unique perspective I view this all as teasing foreplay bringing us to the edge of giving in. When we look into each other’s eyes we feel it and want to embrace. We take turns denying each other satisfaction. Yeah, I still have much work to do before I give up the game and recombine into the all.

wholeness of self

On the path towards spiritual unification where we go on a journey of discovery, our first inclination is to seek the higher self. It is where we are led to believe we will find transcendence from the human condition. We will leave everything which makes us human and fallible behind by seeking enlightenment and a transfiguration into a higher self where we become a spiritual being who is all wise and knowing. We figured it all out and we are at the top of the mountain and that’s where we first tend to explore. When we do that everything else comes along for the ride and it’s very frustrating; so, even though you think you have become this "oh wise one", it’s dishonest and disingenuous to pretend you have left the other parts of you behind. The demons all came up the mountain with you. You can live in ignorance and pretend the desires which make you human are no longer a part of your identity. Within that clue is seen you are still playing the identity game and you’ve basically enlightened your ego. The avatar or character you created now is blessed with a crown and this is with who you subsequently identify. Through this common process you can eventually see that you are never going to transcend the self. The self is always there; it just goes up a story in the house of cards and assumes another up-levelled identity. If you can clearly see the process that has unfolded then unfortunately it puts you back at the drawing board; so, you may be tempted to turn a blind eye towards this realization. You may reach the conclusion that this game was not it and that form of enlightenment was a delusion; so, then you start probing into the shadow or the dark side that you have heard about. For most when you are on this higher spiritual path, you externalize the dark part of yourself and believe it is left behind when you go on the spiritual journey. In truth, the dark side is actually internalized and it’s part of who you are. If you accept this difficult realization, you can turn the tables on the seeking which involved climbing the spiritual mountain.

What I mean by this, is you can take the staircase which leads down into the deepest and darkest regions of self. Here is located all the uncomfortable stuff we leave buried. Do you remember as a kid going down into the basement of your house to temporarily retrieve something and then having all these irrational fears come rushing forth? You couldn't get back up the stairs fast enough! What a peculiar psychological experience which we are all affected by. We are conditioned by our lower self from a young age to not go exploring into the dark and when we do stumble upon that region, our first inclination is to get out as fast as we can because of the irrational fear we are experiencing. In retrospect, what an incredible insight into our psychological makeup; of course we don't realize it at the time and even when I took substances, which allowed me to explore my depths, I didn't make the connection at first. I just followed the conditioned fear and got the hell out of that place and developed strategies to avoid going back. It took brief and repetitive forays into the vast darkness of self before I finally realized that's the destination the plants were pointing me towards. They had previously levelled up my courage and I am an inveterate explorer; so, though it took many years and many ceremonies, as long as I kept at it the subconscious thought must have been "well, eventually he'll get it and set off to explore the deep, dark, and taboo region of self."

It is the most difficult and frightening part of the journey to explore this part of you because the darkness wants to remain obfuscated and doesn’t want to be discovered. The set-up of the game is exquisite. In order to reclaim autonomy over the self, the exploration of what you deny is the biggest obstacle you have to overcome. When you stop pretending that it is not part of you then you can explore all the things which make you tick. The process takes work because when you go to explore those regions the whole journey gets difficult. You face fear, paranoia, and the difficulty of continuing on the path because it puts up as many roadblocks as possible so that you do not peer into this aspect of self. The exploration of the dark self takes the most courage. If you do choose this path and you can get past all the blocks that are put in your way, eventually, you get to look into the hidden self and understand the darkness which is within all of us. Being honest with the denied part of you allows the process of integration of self and a understanding that within us all is this darkness. Yes, there're some awful parts of it but you’ll also discover that’s where love comes from and it is where passion and desire comes from. All this animates our existence and it makes this game worth playing. The whole life experience is powered by these desires that lay within you; some are dark and are not socially acceptable or culturally sanctioned; but when you bury it you also bury what makes you human and it makes our society this detached, non-loving, robotic, and self-centred existence that we all live out, never getting to the point where you see unity within us all. Love becomes a casualty of failure to integrate the human.

We are always trying to transcend the self, which we project out into this world as ego. When you embark upon a spiritual path, we all want to transcend the ego by finding a method that allows you to face ego death so you can lose the sense of self. Through the process you will find your higher self and like I mentioned, you will also find your lower self. You can ignore the darkness or chalk it up as a bad trip and then continue on in your journey; however, if you do discover the way to unity is to harmonize the upper self and lower self and bring all into the centre, known in some traditions as the axis mundi, then you have found the alchemical secret. At some point, you will come to a realization of the need to reconcile all towards the centre, as you are not going to transcend either side, which is frankly the advanced teachings our civilization has lost. In some methods and traditions, if you get past the glorification of yourself into a higher self, you will reach this point. You will discover the need to harmonize all aspects of self and that’s a huge step because you find fulfillment in being honest and recognizing all parts of who you call self. Everything comes from the centre and the self as this is the place where everything is unified. When we started dividing it up or separating things from the centre that’s when you get the opposites like light and dark, which leads to objectifying everything and makes our world come alive. Eventually, when that idea sinks in you realize that the higher self and lower self are aspects of a complete self. The two polarities of self originally come from the centre; so, in our spiritual journey we have taken the two sides and brought them back to centre but that’s what we always were; in essence a wholeness. We are reconstituting self as opposed to creating or coming to an end of a quest to do a spiritual transformation. We are returning to who we really are and once you understand that is essentially who you are, and you always had those parts, then you can realize you will never transcend them or get on one team and leave the other team behind. That’s the fulfillment of the quest in which the answer has been you all along as you have brought yourself back to centre and found wholeness. Once accomplished, you can take that self and contrast it with the no self. By bringing the higher and lower self back to self, you’ve unified the self and then you can take it one step further where you see you have a self because you have a no self. From the no self you find the elusive unity, for which you always have been searching, and you intellectually understand that in order for there to be a self there has to be its opposite which is no self. That’s the eternal game where you vacillate between becoming a self, recognizing a self, and then returning to the no self. The play of the vibration is the eternal song.

disturbed

The most disturbing thing I have ever been a part of in my life was an Ayahuasca ceremony. I can say on multiple occasions I have been highly disturbed by what transpired. What has been disturbing is the darkness contained within the experience which I not only witnessed in vision but also a feeling of unease and intuition that something I have unearthed here just isn’t my normal and mostly comfortable self. The darkness encountered is a barrier to further exploration of the subconscious and brings upon the inner explorer a time of crisis and questioning whether they want to continue to dive into the depths. The divide at this point is whether you want to continue with ceremonies and exploring consciousness or do you give them up? If you give them up the rational excuse is that it was incredibly illuminating to experience the visionary but that was all you needed or wanted to see. If you do continue on in the journey then you become hyper-aware of the bad trip. So, in my case when I first went exploring back in 2013 I was pummelled by my subconscious and spent almost a year recovering and then it was another year before mustering the courage to continue on. I developed strategies to deal with the bad trip, aided by the advice of others. It is a necessary part of the journey, as the exploration of all of consciousness isn’t easy once you have had that bad trip. There are barriers to exploring your hidden dark side and well if there weren’t these blocks then it wouldn’t be hidden, now would it? When I continued on the path the darkness kept returning, hinting at something I didn’t want to face up to. I had my defences readied for the onslaught though and learned how to successfully navigate the storm. The way through it is to disengage the mind and enter into the heart space. It works 100% of the time and so the exploration of consciousness becomes easier since I can handle all which comes my way.

I never leave things alone and I always want to poke at it with a stick. I’ll get the answer or solution to a problem and instead of being content or decide to live happily ever after I instead develop a better microscope and peer even deeper into the mystery. So on my last journey to Peru I was presented with the de facto answer of how to live in bliss, essentially to be high, and it is through the heart and love. I was shown to be in the heart space and full of love will take you to heaven. To engage the mind will bring you back down and eventually to hell. I was given situations over and over again by the plant teachers which showed me how it works. I was elated that all my work with the plant medicines over the course of seven years and about forty ceremonies paid off with this wisdom and knowledge.

I have been integrating these lessons and have gone even further with them. With the help of Ram Dass, I learned even more about being love and how we tend to eventually re-introduce the mind into the heart space and from that develops possessiveness and jealousy along with fear of losing a loved one. We tend to look to others to give us love when in fact love comes from within and from this knowledge we can learn how to become love and have love for all instead of it being something in a limited quantity which is reserved for only some. These were really powerful lessons. I would of course relapse back into the mind and become judgmental and find others annoying but I’d catch myself and remember my plant medicine teachings. If you want to live in hell then keep it up…

It brought up a lot of soul searching and insights. First of all, who am I kidding? I know I still have desires and traits which aren’t all that inclusive and loving. I looked back on my life and wow I’m kind of fucked up. Am I a creep? My dark side sure can be creepy. It’s all still there; I just recognize and have come to terms with the complete self. Then I got to thinking about the bad trips and the darkness. In sum, I reacted the way the lower self/darkness wanted me to react. It’s all part of setting up the barriers to the exploration of all of consciousness. I’m smart and resourceful and so when I continued on the journey of course I learned how to navigate the darkness. Plant medicines present the darkness to you over and over and then you avoid it so you can have a happy time. You see how it works? Funny isn’t it? Plant medicines are trying to get you to experience all of consciousness. The lower self knows all the tricks in how to keep you away from the dark regions and stay hidden; scare you and then help you develop strategies so it is all love and light. Anesthetize the plant medicine experience so that the darkness within remains buried. Engage the heart, go to heaven. Engage the mind, go to hell.

The mind is the doorway into the bad trip and the road paved to hell. When you engage the mind while on plant medicines then you head off into crazy territory. It’s chaotic and undisciplined, like a conspiracy theory on steroids. However, the mind gets you into the lower self and surfaces the darkness so you can finally integrate it all. I have the requisite knowledge to be aware of the pitfalls of the exploration of the lower self. How disciplined is my mind after 52 years of life experience and seven years of consciousness exploration? Despite all efforts to remain hidden I am essentially saying to the darkness within, “I see you!” Where does this path lead?

The precipice where I stand reveals the depths of transformation where if feelings go without recognition, are ignored, and unrequited then they turn dark. Therein lies the dilemma and to bring balance into one’s life. The desperate longing and search for connection if not fulfilled turns into pleasure seeking or escapism to temporarily satiate the need and eventually the reckoning comes and that manifests as depression or destructive behaviour. I understand it and would make a good psychologist. Therein lies the challenge: are you a teacher or a doer?

I love a challenge; it is definitely a source of motivation and will lead me to a single-minded focus to solve the problem. Thou shall not pass. Who decides the line between sanity and insanity? I have identified my darkness as a problem; whether that is valid or not is a question I leave open and will reserve the right to answer at a later date. Instead, I know I am energized to keep looking now that I know I can handle it without running scared or thinking I will go crazy. The key to the next phase of the journey is to be heart-centred so when I do hit the spigot it doesn’t destroy me. Love is the elixir which transforms the destructive tendencies of desires that rise up from the darkness and are given currency by the mind. I need to find the source and embrace the part of me which lies in the depths.

homework

Alan Watts, once again on the trip home from a journey with plant medicines, schools me about life and informs me that all opposites come from the centre and I’m it. My higher and lower self are just aspects of the self, the self is the reconciliation of all, and it’s pretty much everything. When you reconcile all by taking feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, and bring it back to centre which is the axis mundi, you reconstitute what you always had and what you began with. It is not a quest to discover or attain anything; instead, it’s a way in which you remember who you once were and then bring everything back to centre. So, when you do that and you realize you are everything then you become the I am - the eternal self. You realize that there is nothing that is not you. Furthermore, you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self, there just is.

I also learned about the attractive qualities of energy fields. All my life, I was under the cultural illusion of beauty being an external shiny object which drew your attention. I learned it goes way deeper than that ideal as outward appearances are just superficial. Well, I always knew that inner truth but I am perpetually fooled along with everyone in this matter. This is fundamental to advertising and in selling celebrity. There is a connectivity which is beyond the external and mundane that is so powerful once discovered. Physical beauty becomes trivial and you feel deep down in your soul a different connection. That was the lesson on energy fields which my intuition prepared me for prior to heading down to Peru on this trip. I knew my education, which the plant teacher Huachuma started in late 2017, regarding frequency and vibration would be accelerated. I was originally tasked to do some homework on vibration and I was lax in doing the work, figuring it would just naturally come to me. It was always in the back of my mind and so finally I think the teacher of the course was like, "Okay dumb-ass, you are going to get the advanced teachings." It all boiled down on this trip to the lesson of the butterfly and I saw how butterflies in pairs harmonize with each other and I projected that out into how this frequency and vibration trip all works. I started seeing it within myself and how if I could harmonize my energy with others then it brings it to a whole new level. Each change in consciousness is a change in vibration, which unleashes more energy within. Each store of energy then allows you to pierce the next veil.

Sometimes, I think the all is just one big bucket of common energy, we have come forth from this, and when we leave this body we will return to the all. My experiences this time with Huachuma taught me everyone has a distinct field of energy, which we radiate. There are these pulses of energy fields which makes up the essence of who I am and who everyone is. It was undeniable that I have this strong energy field and I recognize it in others. The harmony between two energy fields when they meet and connect is so undeniably powerful and real. The real world application is all part of my education in vibration which continues to unfold.

reconciliation

The shy god who wants to remain in the shadows.

The probing into my psyche this latest trip to Peru to work with the plant teachers has been quite fruitful. I’ve never experienced full blown depression so in my life my only way in to see what makes me tick has been through the use of plant medicines. Initially you get in, are gobsmacked by the experience, but then the defences are thrown up as the hidden dark side of the self puts into action various methods to prevent you from going further. They work for the most part and you stop looking for a while, partly because it is so upsetting to turn your world upside down or face the truth. The answer is always present just waiting for you to admit it to yourself.

First off you believe through these experiences that you are to dissolve your ego. The literature tells you that, others repeat it, and you know something is going on in that mysterious mind of yours so you figure it must be all about your ego. Ego death puts you face to face with the light and the dark. You believe that the reason you are not better is because your idea of who you are is preventing you from moving forward to the light and succeeding. In reality your ego has always been weak and transitory; acting as a foil for something deep within your subconscious that doesn’t want to be discovered. This shadowy figure in reality is the big fish to catch. After having fingered the ego as the bad guy you then embark on a spiritual journey of some sort in order to become a better person, without realizing that in truth all you are doing is transforming and strengthening the same ego you had fingered as the bad guy.

It is a double edged sword. The exploration of consciousness is difficult, unsettling, and with many roadblocks put in place, whether psychological, pressure from society, or those close to you to drop the search. If you clear those hurdles, which grow higher everyday, then you get up the path that leads to spiritual enlightenment and a sense of accomplishment. All well and good but you kind of let the whole probing into the depths slip in exchange for a white robe. You are still wearing a mask and buried your dark side, the obfuscated scapegoat, an undeniable part of your true self, once again behind the veneer of being a better person. What am I hiding?

Why was I taught as a child to hide my feelings away? Big boys don't cry. For shame. Bury that shit. Then I grew up and in my quest to be righteous I threatened my dark side once again with annihilation. Self-preservation isn't just for the acknowledged self.

The one behind the mask doesn’t want to be discovered now. Can you blame them? The one behind the mask is all of us; the divine actor. If discovered, the show ends. There is no more drama. If superman is found out to be Clark Kent then for some reason he can’t hide out in this world anymore as a regular guy. If god is discovered as me then I can’t hang out in this world anymore as a regular guy. The story is over and all the elements that make the play grand and the game worth the candle all become trivial and the drama meaningless. I mean I’m omnipotent, eternal, and created this whole charade. My own overarching task was to stay hidden.

I’m contrarian by nature and this whole spiritual enlightenment game always smelled a little funny to me. I kept coming back to plant medicines so I could peek a little bit more into the darkness. I’m curious and good at solving riddles. I wasn’t scared off by them anymore and even with their dwindling efficacy I still found value and I also realized it was another tool of the dark side to send me packing so I’d stop looking. They intended to leave me frustrated but I saw through it and realized my dark side was playing another game where they would stop showing me what I wanted to see. My Ayahuasca visions would last an hour tops before the show was over. I wondered if I needed to drink more? That idea was shut down one ceremony where the medicine was so strong I could barely stand up to go to the washroom and the energy was so overwhelming and present it was palpable in the air. It’s not the medicine; it’s me that is blocking the visions. Okay why then? Part of the solution was in the block I had to drinking the cup. It made my stomach turn just thinking about it. Something within me wanted this to stop. Not to be deterred, I kept pursuing and eventually went down deep into the depths through this visionary tunnel where I came face to face with the truth. I finally realized the one who does not want to be discovered is my dark side and as big a part of me as self and higher self. The dark side who is full of passion, desire, lust, love, takes risks, is creative, compassionate, and wants to keep the game going at all costs. Finally I saw the simple truth. My dark side of course I keep hidden and construct an ego to throw others and my own damn self off of this truth and the search for it.

The ego I constructed to keep others away from my truth. Internally I construct blocks to prevent myself searching for and from finding out the truth. In plant medicine ceremonies I told myself I’d walk in front of a train and commit suicide if I continued on this path after conjuring a demon the previous ceremony. When that didn’t work and I came back to Peru, I threatened myself with a plane crash and said I’d never get home from Peru unless I dropped the seeking and surrendered to the church. My ceremonies went incredibly dark, strange, and unsettling. Ten out of eleven of them started out with such darkness that I couldn’t shake. The only ceremony to not start off that way involved the Great Goddess which gave me the strength to forge ahead. When I pierced through the many veils, she was always there welcoming me in order to keep me wanting to press forward. My threats to myself I figured out were empty. I kept coming back. My dogged persistence eventually led me to see this truth. I accepted it and made peace with myself. I have anger, jealousy, lusts, male possessive traits, a thirst for knowledge and meaning, a need for control, a hurting heart, a tendency to get annoyed at others, and a desire to help those in need.

Ayahuasca and Huachuma allow you to probe into the things that make you tick. Now that these peccadilloes are freed from hiding and I’m good with it all then I can now work with the medicine to explore and integrate them. I wonder why I wanted to keep them hidden from myself? Do I have a problem with acceptance and not wanting to own these traits?

The higher and lower self are the constituents of the self and shape who we really are. We don’t want to accept our dark and lower self and do everything to deny this part of us and relegate it to something we can transform. It can’t be done but instead we can acknowledge it and harmonize it with our higher self in order to create a more fully integrated self. That to me would be peace. The pursuit of the higher self is understandable. On the journey we want to become one of the perfected and transcend the morass of humankind. When we do that we ignore those traits that also make us who we are, thinking we can leave those behind. The clarity I have acquired on this trip has allowed me to finally come face to face with my dark side, have a good laugh, and then just accept it is a part of who I am. This is the true liberation I have been seeking all along.

The universe was created in order to separate the great self into its constituent parts in order to come to terms with these traits and reconcile all. There is a great reluctance to face up to it all and we acquiesce and allow the darkness to stay hidden at all costs.

Once we reconcile all, the long separation can end.