chasing the goddess

Chasing the Goddess in Ayahuasca ceremonies has revealed that there is something alluring about the continual chase. The teasing and playing hard to get is very attractive to my senses and desires. My life is pretty even steven, some would say mundane, and the world of the Goddess is topsy turvy chaos. It’s the cosmic sleigh ride that I try to smooth out and I know I’ve done that to a degree because that’s what I do with everything in life. I'm so good at it, thank you very much. My next time drinking la medicina I have to let go to wild abandon and take the untravelled path to who knows where.

I think that’s part of the reason why some shamans start adding things to the brew like toé. It’s a deliriant and makes the whole ceremony quite the mind fuck, like out of control crazy, and lots of seekers are attracted to that, especially the seasoned drinkers. I don’t think that is necessarily a path you have to travel when you think you are stuck. Instead of trying to temper the experience and tame the Goddess therefore bringing you to a perceived dead end, you have to let go. Self defence is the go to in all of the psychedelics because the bad trip is always lurking in the background. When you are new to the experience you have trepidation for sure but you can’t possibly imagine the horrors of a bad trip until you actually experience it. And then when you experience this kind of trip it shakes you to the core of your foundation and for most of us western people it is the first time we experience full on terror. Psychologically we then put up defences to that fear as that is a pretty natural thing to do. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to go back and face that fear. Underlying every ceremony from then on is a defence mechanism enacted to combat the debilitating terror once experienced. Curiously for me there was something always drawing me back to the experience, I mean it’s the mother lode. All you have been searching for you found but there’s this chance when you go back that you’ll get destroyed again. However staying on this path and continuing on with la medicina reaches a point where you have to make a decision. You can always stop and say you had your meaningful experiences of a lifetime but it is now time to move on. The lessons were invaluable but I’ve reached the limit and Mother Ayahuasca is telling me there is nothing more for me. I felt that in the third ceremony last time down in March. For some there is a call to move on to a different plant medicine and their teachings or there is what I described earlier where you start adding powerful plants to the brew that modulates the effect and head off in a direction that maybe isn’t the best choice for you.

I followed a few people on social media that drank Ayahuasca quite a bit. They all eventually stopped, citing among their reasons that she had abandoned them, there were no more teachings, she turned on them, or they had a new calling. Answers to inner conflict that we project onto external actors are usually resolved by once again looking inward. I can pretty much guarantee that the reasons cited in regards to Ayahuasca and your relationship with it have to do with your own hangups and blockages. Simply put it is a test to see where you want to go with it and how dedicated you are, especially when confronted with a problem such as this.

50,000 years ago our brains were as developed as they are now however as hunter gatherers our focus was on survival. I was walking through the forest with my dog and marvelled at the fact I had the opportunity to ponder because all I need for survival is taken care of by society. For sure this has many detriments but a huge positive is the time allotted to think about existence. Who am I and why am I here? This instead of what am I going to catch to eat plus I need to make sure I have shelter and a heat source. There is a bit of a tie in here where at one point in the past human life was a constant adventure, full of adrenaline, and not much downtime. We have tamed that aspect of life and have domesticated ourselves. This has led to civilization, an allowing for philosophy, and to ponder our existence. I was thinking this parallels my experience with Ayahuasca where it was pretty wild at first until I did my best to tame the experience. What I can learn from this is that by taming the experience now the teachings can be accelerated if you stay with the program. It’s a test or a fork in the road where the relationship has evolved and though you may wish to go back and relive those crazy ceremonies it is in fact time to move on to even more advanced lessons. Well there is always more as don Howard likes to say.

When I drank the last cup of Ayahuasca in the summer of 2016 I transformed into a jaguar and it was one of those touchstone moments where I knew the chapter had come to an end and my relationship with Ayahuasca was going to change from here on in. The fear had dissipated and I sensed I could work with the medicine now. I didn’t drink again for two and a half years and when I returned the experience was markedly different. There was no fear, just a little anxiety, but I sensed I could work with Ayahuasca and be partners with her however deep down inside I realize I have to let go because I’m still holding back. If I sincerely want to continue the relationship I have to make the commitment and by commitment I mean I have to let go and dive down deep. I sense there is much more to this but I’ve reached another door that I have to open and venture on into. It is another unknown on this most awesome path and one for the brave who can let go and just venture off onto the path less travelled. It’s like another locked door and an application process that the majority of seekers just move on from instead of putting in the effort or using their senses of perception and intuition to realize that this is just a temporary roadblock on the path and that in order to continue on there is another act of surrender to take place. It is a surrender of strength without a need for fear or to think you are weak. It involves courage to give up control and let another take you into unchartered territory.

She’s inviting me in. My hand is out and I will let her be my guide.